Jokes and things that made you laugh.

[Janstevie]

A Doctor answers some hard Questions:

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually.. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NO LISTEN! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

[Janstevie]

What Bra sizes really mean:

(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there...
{C} Can't Complain!...
{D} Dang!...
{DD} Double dang!.....
{E} Enormous!....
{F} Fake...
{G} Get a Reduction...
{H} Help me, I've fallen
And I can't get up!...


They forgot the German bra.
Holtzemfromfloppen

[Janstevie]

>Subject: Nag! Nag! Nag!
>

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing
day,
trying to get a stay of execution for a client James Wright, who was due to
be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the
governor had apparently failed and he was feeling worn out and
depressed.

As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on
him about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" And on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured
himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub
pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks. While he was in the bathroom, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all.
Finally, realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs
to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door,she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear-end as he was bent over naked drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around and screamed, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP

[Janstevie]

Old Father O'Malley was strolling through the church grounds one sunny summer evening, when he came upon a little frog sitting by a tree.
"My Lord," he said, picking it up: "You're the saddest, most forlorn-looking frog I've ever seen. I only wish you could speak, so that you might tell me your troubles."
The frog replied, "Actually, I can. You see, I was once a choirboy in this very parish. One day I offended a passing Gypsy, and she put a curse on me that turned me into a talking frog.
""Incredible!" said Father O'Malley. "Is there anything I might do to help you?"
"Actually yes, there is. The Gypsy said that if I can find somebody to take me home and let me sleep in their bed, the curse will be lifted and I'll be back to normal."
"Well," said Father O'Malley, "the good Lord teaches us to be charitable. I think I can manage that."
So Father O'Malley picked up the little frog and put it in his pocket.
That night he placed it gently on the pillow beside him and drifted off into a long, dreamy sleep.
When he awoke the next morning, the frog had turned back into a choirboy, just as it had said it would.

And that, M’lud, is the case for the defense...

[Janstevie]

I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them. Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

[asphaltcowboi]

ok so someone to the sticker off my dogs new squeeky toy and stuck it on the back of my sweat shirt.. had to have been there for at least a week and i wear it all the time.. found it last night.. it says:
"squeeeze me i squeek"
not cool but hadda snicker!

[asphaltcowboi]

AvfaFM2gfhY

[Legendryder]

Bob. He makes me laugh everyday. This morning I was sitting at my desk drinking coffee trying to wake up. From behind me I hear these noises. Squeeks and whimpers. I turn my head and the lump in the covers is moving. Bob is chasing something in his sleep. Punk.

[scootebaby]

saw this on a facebook status---"strap on spelled backwards is no parts..oh the irony" i couldnt help but chuckle

[Random]

"How do you catch a unque rabbit?"

"you neek up on it..."


It makes me giggle every time I hear it....

[lipstixgal]

Bob. He makes me laugh everyday. This morning I was sitting at my desk drinking coffee trying to wake up. From behind me I hear these noises. Squeeks and whimpers. I turn my head and the lump in the covers is moving. Bob is chasing something in his sleep. Punk.

You're dog is so cute and funny too. My dog twirls when she's happy round and round she goes its cute and funny too. My other dog is funny but when he was younger used to do funny things now that he is older he has mellowed out. But yes the animals can do funny things.

[Janstevie]

An old but gold...............................

Dear Son,
Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well.
You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Irish family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery.
Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle.

Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial!

Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.
I'm sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.
I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days. Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.
We had a letter from the under-taker. He said if the last payment on your Grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Your loving Mum

P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.

[Miami]

"How do you catch a unque rabbit?"

"you neek up on it..."


It makes me giggle every time I hear it....


You know the WHOLE joke? It goes, how do you catch a tame rabbit? U neek up on it.

And how do you catch a UNIQUE rabbit? Tame way, you neek up on it!

[Random]

You know the WHOLE joke? It goes, how do you catch a tame rabbit? U neek up on it.

And how do you catch a UNIQUE rabbit? Tame way, you neek up on it!


Grin...

I had forgotten the rest...

Thank you...

Someone told me that joke once up on a time when I was in a full, all out, no holds bar rage, ranting session..... It deflated and derailed me in two seconds...

I love that joke..

[scootebaby]

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

[sharonsuburbia]

AvfaFM2gfhY

i nrealy peed - thanks!!!! :jester:

[Janstevie]

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.

Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

Cop says "For god’s sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"

[lipstixgal]

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

That's funny did the laxative work during the night?? It really shouldn't have it usually takes about 8 hours!!

[scootebaby]

That's funny did the laxative work during the night?? It really shouldn't have it usually takes about 8 hours!!


[COLOR="Black"]uh they were fast acting :|/COLOR]

[lipstixgal]

[COLOR="Black"]uh they were fast acting :|/COLOR]

So I'm guessing that you woke up and went to the bathroom in time I hope!!

[JustJo]

So I'm guessing that you woke up and went to the bathroom in time I hope!!

:|

KTwnwbG9YLE

[lipstixgal]

:|

KTwnwbG9YLE

By the face :| you mad Jo I guess not!! I can't believe that a laxative would act so fast at night and a sleeping pill combined too but I guess anything can happen..

[JustJo]

By the face :| you mad Jo I guess not!! I can't believe that a laxative would act so fast at night and a sleeping pill combined too but I guess anything can happen..

No...actually I was trying to tell you that it was a joke :|

[Admin]

Hey Folks,

We are getting several reported posts from this thread about the content of the "jokes" here.

It is STILL against the TOS to post "jokes" that are racially insensitive, culturally insensitive, -phobic, grossly sexist, etc. Just because it's a joke doesnt mean that it gets a pass on the -isms.

Please keep it clean and accessible to everyone on this site.

Thanks,
Admin

[weatherboi]

How many racists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None...racists don't like being enlightened.

[WolfyOne]

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it.
What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
What have you got there, dear?
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."

[girl_dee]

democrats think the glass is have full
republicans think they OWN the glass.

[WolfyOne]

Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.

"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"

"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.

"I think you're bad luck."

[WolfyOne]

Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a doberman. The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you." The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle. Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?" The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate." "Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says. The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this. The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced. "I'll take him," he says. When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This little thing, a watch dog? No way." Harold says, "But this dog knows karate." "Karate," she yells. "Karate my ass!" ...

[always2late]

A man walks into a bar and sees the most beautiful woman he's ever seen in his life. He approaches her and asks if he can buy her a drink. She replies "OK, but it won't do you any good." He gets her the drink and walks away. A little while later, he comes back and asks if he can buy her another drink. She replies "Fine, but it won't do you any good." He gets her the drink and they talk for a bit. Then he invites her to see his apartment. She replies "Sure, but it STILL won't do you any good!" When they get to the apartment he turns to her and says "You are the most beautiful, amazing woman I've ever met. I want you for my wife." "OH that's different," she replies "send her in!"

[MsTinkerbelly]

If you are 40, or older, you might think this is hilarious!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways… yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!

And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were luckily, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!


See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before!

Regards,
The Over 40 Crowd

[Janstevie]

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bath. One of them was washing her private parts and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched the patient "down there."
They tried it again and sure enough, there was sizable movement on the monitor.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined. No pulse, no heart rate, nothing.
The nurses ran back into the room. "What happened?"
The husband said, "I'm not sure, she just started to choke.

[rlin]

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable fidelity practices when suddenly, the woman reaches over and slices off the mans penis and angrily tosses it out the window of the car.

Driving behind the car is a pickup truck with a man and his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him. All of the sudden, the penis smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what in the heck was that ?!?"

Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."

The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute, she says. "Sure had a big dick."

[Glenn]

I went to Italy for the holidays with another butch who said she knew a lot of people there. As we were walking around the Vatican, one of the guards shouted, "Jo, it is you isn't it?" Jo said the friend offered to show us around the private apartments, and to arrange a special audience with the Pope. I laughed and said "Jo, now you've gone too far. Your full of s*** . Im going back to the hotel." So I walked out and there was huge crowd waiting for the Pope to come onto the balcony. Then, I heard them all suddenly fall silent and slowly start muttering in Italian. So I asked a woman standing next to me, "What are they saying?" Then she pointed to the balcony and said, "Look up there! Who is that person standing on the balcony with Jo? Do you know?"

[Janstevie]

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the Ford F-150 when I turned into the driveway.

Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me. I was coming home and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but the Ford F-150 fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your Ferrari. I missed our bikes.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me.
You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife. xxx


Oh, PS: YOUR GIRLFRIEND PHONED.

[afixer]

me standing outside this morning after work warming up several co-workers cars in our sub freezing weather talking to a gaggle of women when one of my co-workers sends me a text that says...


flirt!

[Janstevie]

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the
responsibility to marry the perfect woman so
they could produce beautiful children beyond compare

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning,
gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the farmer,
asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married,
so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit,
not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one
of the other girls;so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit,
not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl
to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away.Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was
the ugliest baby you can imagine. He
rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing
could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer,
"She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...
pregnant when you met her."

[Starbuck]

Little Johnny come down for breakfast one morning but hadn't done his chores yet. His mother asked him, "have you done your chores yet?" Johnny replied, "no". His mother promptly told Johnny "you know you can't have breakfast until your chores are done." This upset Johnny. So off he went to do his chores. When he fed the chickens, Johnny kicked a chicken. When he slopped the pigs, he kicked a pig. When he milked the cow, he kicked the cow. Now after chores, Johnny was very hungry and he was looking forward to some eggs, bacon, and some cereal. But when it came time for breakfast, all he got was some dry cereal! "Mom, why is do I only get dry cereal?" Johnny asked. Johnny's mom replied, "I saw you kick the chicken, so no eggs for a week; I saw you kick the pig, so no bacon for a week; and I saw you kick the cow, so no milk for a week." About that time Johnny's dad came down stairs for breakfast, mumbling, and kicked the cat. Johnny looked at his mom and smiled and said, "you want me to tell him or do you want to?"

[Janstevie]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a
problem.
I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest inquired.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots, Which I have taught to pray and
read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house,
and
we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,
and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . .
that phrase . ... In no time.'

Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot
and exclaimed, 'Put the beads away Frank. Our prayers have been
answered!'

[Janstevie]

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT.....I'M GETTING A FAX!!

[Janstevie]

The Mistress


A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Lexus's in the garage not to mention the yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim ?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies

[Rook]

Beverly Hills Cop:
Inspector Douglas Todd: You mind telling me where the fuck you come off going undercover without authorization from me? What the fuck is this all about? You wanna play some fucking bullshit cowboy cop? Go do it in somebody else's precinct!
Axel Foley: Don't you wanna hear my side of the story?
Inspector Douglas Todd: What's your fucking side of the story?
Axel Foley: Let's hear your side of the story.
Inspector Douglas Todd: Axel, I'm not takin' anymore of this shit from you. You know how much this little stunt of yours is gonna cost this city?
Axel Foley: I don't think cost is the issue here, sir. I think the issue should be my blatant disregard for proper procedure.
Inspector Douglas Todd: You damn right, wise ass! The mayor called the Chief, the Chief called the Deputy Chief, the Deputy Chief just chewed my ass out! You see I don't have any bit of it left, don't you? Where in the fuck did you get a truckload of cigarettes from anyway?
Axel Foley: From the Dearborn Hijacking.
Inspector Douglas Todd: From the Dearborn Hijacking? That fucking bust went down last week! That truck is supposed to be in the damn pound!
Inspector Douglas Todd: Listen Axel, no more of these set ups, you understand? You're a good cop, and you got great potential, but you don't know every fucking thing. And I'm tired of taking the heat for your ass. One more time and you're out on the street. Do you understand me?
Axel Foley: Look, Boss, let me tell...
Inspector Douglas Todd: [emphatically] Do you understand me?
Axel Foley: Yeah, I understand.... Boss....? The Chief ain't chew it all out. You still got a little ass there.
Inspector Douglas Todd: Don't fuck with me Axel ! Not now ! Go on. Go home.

Dutch:

Dutch: Excuse me, I understand what you were saying to Natalie was personal. Well, I'm involved with her now so this is personal too; you hurt her and I'll hit you so fucking hard your dog will bleed, okay?
-------------------
Doyle: We have a very big problem here.
Dutch: I suppose we do. I have a problem because I told your mother I'd pick you up. And you have a problem because the last guy that punched me has a dent in his forehead the size of my pinky ring...and he dribbles when he smiles.
----------
Doyle: I don't hate my mother. For the record!
Dutch: Kiss my ass for the record!
----------
Dutch: [Doyle & Dutch are in a restaurant and Doyle claims he can kick Dutch's butt] Well, I won't cop to that, but I will say this. There's one thing I can do that you can't...
Doyle: [smug grin] Oh yeah? What?
Dutch: ...I can pay for my breakfast.


Soul Men:
mau2jDjzZnQ&feature=related

[Janstevie]

Two men were out playing golf when a funeral procession went past. One of the men took off his cap and bowed his head until the cortege passed. The other man said, "That was a decent gesture." The man replied, "It was the least I could do. She was a damned good wife to me."

[Guy]

A horse walks into a bar.
Bartender asks, why the long face? :superfunny:

[rlin]

this string walks into a bar... hes all tangled up in the middle and his ends are just wakked outta shape...
he pulls up a stool and orders a beer...
bartender says "sorry guy... but we dont serve string in here..."
string says"... but... im not a string!"
bartender gives him the once over and asks "oh... youre not a string eh??"
string says... "nope... im a frayed knot!!"

[Janstevie]

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And
patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll
beat him to death.

[Janstevie]

GOLFER AT THE DENTIST

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry.
I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf,
so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb.
I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it!
We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already...
I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man
asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him..

[Janstevie]

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day; he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the Bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom.

'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...

Suddenly the father shouted....


‘ Ok Ok Ok I'll do the f****** dishes’!!!

[Starbuck]

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room. Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

Daisy asked, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said as she pulled a box from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"

"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"

http://dl5.glitter-graphics.net/pub/1778/1778245toyqjnlptj.gif (http://www.glitter-graphics.com)

[Janstevie]

http://www.orschlurch.de/2011/01/19/animal-channel-ausser-rand-und-band-2/


This is brilliant.. MUST HAVE SOUND ON

[rlin]

(https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1387831419)
‎"A unionized employee, a Tea Party member & a corporate CEO are sitting at a table. In the middle is a plate with a dozen cookies on it. The CEO reaches out & takes 11 of the cookies, then says to the Tea Party member "look out for that union guy, he wants a piece of your cookie."

[WolfyOne]

I saw this on my FB wall and thought I'd share here

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"Well,he said,"we fill up a bath, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup & a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub, "Oh, I understand," I said."A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger."No" he said.A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?

[Jesse]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their Tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo shit. It tells me someone stole the tent'.

[Janstevie]

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.


His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.


The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,


'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book..

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

[Tcountry]

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

'Wait just a moment!'
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,

'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'



You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'

'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'

[Tcountry]

You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the
meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's
roommate, Jennifer, was.

Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian
and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than
met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must
be thinking, but I assure you! Jennifer and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver
gravy ladle.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be
sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mom:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm
not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact
remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian"

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that
read:

"Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Jennifer,! I'm not saying that
you "do not" sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if
Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy
ladle by now.
Love, Mom"

LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!!

[Sweet_Amor_Taino]

Hercules is my baby boy and he is just like a child. The things he does some times is enough to shake my head and ask who is the boss here?.

Yesterday I locked him out of my room to go online for a while and when I open the door Oh BOY, He was laying on the couch with a guilty look on his face and the paper towels were every where in big and little pieces I mean every where. I just stood there and all I could say to myself was. " I guess he showed me not to do that again" I told him he was a Bad Boy !! But I could see that was his way of showing me how piss he was for me putting him out of the room. Seriously I will not do that again.. Now who is the boss?? LOL

[Sweet_Amor_Taino]

My hercules is my baby boy and he is just like a child. The things he does some times is enough to shake your head and ask who is the boss here?.

Yesterday I locked him out of my room to go online for a while and when I open the door Oh BOY, He was laying on the couch with a guilty look on his face and the paper towels were every where in big and little pieces I mean every where. I just stood there and all I could say to myself was. " I guess he showed me not to do that again" I told him he was a Bad Boy !! but I could see he was showing me how piss he was for me putting him out of the room. Seriously I will not do that again.. Now who is the boss?? LOL

[Tcountry]

So sorry...it came from a relative and I didn't pick through them...thanks for deleting! :)

[Guy]

A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, Are all of those kids yours? He replied, No. I work for a condom company and these are customer complaints.

[Guy]

A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. They were discussing how they should celebrate their big evening when the wife decided she would cook a big dinner for her husband. The husband liked the idea and suggested having dinner the same way as their wedding night, eating at the dinner table naked and his wife agreed.

Later that night at the table the wife said, Honey, my nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago.

The husband replied, That’s because they’re sitting in your soup.

[Janstevie]

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

[Guy]

One day in the cafeteria line Joe says to Mike " My elbow hurts like crazy . Guess I better go see a doctor "

" Listen you don't have to spend that kind of money " Mike says.

"There 's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell whats wrong and what to do about it . It takes 10 seconds and costs $10 and is a lot cheaper "

So Joe goes to Costco puts in $10 and his urine sample . Ten seconds later it ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow, soak your arm in warm water avoid heavy activity..It will improve in two weeks . thank you for shopping at Costco.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe thought he could fool the computer .

He mixes some tap water, a stool sample from his dog,urine sample from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe goes back to Costco , puts in the $10 , pours in his concoction and waits for the results .

The computer prints the following:

1.Your tapwater is too hard . Get a water softener (aisle9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo (Asile 7)
3.Your daughter has a cocaine habit . Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant .Twins .Not yours..Get a lawyer .
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself ,your elbow will never get any better .


Thank you for shopping at Costco .

[WolfyOne]

~A Cup of Tea ~

One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set'
as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea
and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.

My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a
cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mom waited, and
sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy;
and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to
you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"

[Janstevie]

My girlfriends got a stalker, well she does'nt know she's my girlfriend yet.

[tiggs]

A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. They were discussing how they should celebrate their big evening when the wife decided she would cook a big dinner for her husband. The husband liked the idea and suggested having dinner the same way as their wedding night, eating at the dinner table naked and his wife agreed.

Later that night at the table the wife said, Honey, my nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago.

The husband replied, That’s because they’re sitting in your soup.

I sent this joke to my wonderfully funny Husbutch, Hys reply:

i guess that would be ok cuz the napkin wouldnt be the only thing laying limp on his lap

Got to love a good laugh!

[Starbuck]

Two dyslexics walk into a bank and yell, "air in the hands mother stickers, this is a fuck up!"

[Janstevie]

Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says ” how do you know”? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

[Tommi]

Question to a friend.
If a girl texts you a lot, and jokes around with you and teases you, does it mean she likes you?
There's a girl I like, and she texts me once every day, or once every other day. She's always joking around, and when we hang out, she flirts a LOT. But she acts like that around everyone, not just me. Do you think there's a chance she likes me?
Answer
Maybe Dude!
Question
And she never sends mass texts to me, because my phone tells me when people do, so I feel kinda special ;). She just sent me her picture. :tease:WoW.

Answer
Hey Dude , I just got this picture :tease:....uh oh

[Glenn]

Sometimes I just make myself laugh at my own jokes.I just made this one up.
The fairest femme in all the land was Rapunzel or so it goes..She was sought after by many chivilrous butches via telephone and email, but her homophobe family always kept her locked in their castle, and the neighbors only saw her pretty face from afar. Finially,One day, a courageous butch made it to Rapunzel's place and yelled, "Rapunzel Hey Yo! Look at me, I'm just your type!" Then, THUD! Suddenly, in a flash, our hero was squashed and could'nt breathe or move! Then Rapunzel screamed, "OH SHYT! I was so excited, I lost my balance, and and my tits went down instead of my hair ! Somehow, our prince survived the tit-fall, she let down her drawbridge, and they live happily ever after.

[Janstevie]

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

[princessbelle]

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

OMG...i needed that.

Good one. LOL

[Guy]

I went to buy some camouflage cargo shorts the other day but I couldn't find any

[hpychick]

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHH

I went to buy some camouflage cargo shorts the other day but I couldn't find any

[hpychick]

http://www.summitaviationblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/FAAshirt.jpg

[lionpaw]

One day in the cafeteria line Joe says to Mike " My elbow hurts like crazy . Guess I better go see a doctor "

" Listen you don't have to spend that kind of money " Mike says.

"There 's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell whats wrong and what to do about it . It takes 10 seconds and costs $10 and is a lot cheaper "

So Joe goes to Costco puts in $10 and his urine sample . Ten seconds later it ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow, soak your arm in warm water avoid heavy activity..It will improve in two weeks . thank you for shopping at Costco.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe thought he could fool the computer .

He mixes some tap water, a stool sample from his dog,urine sample from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe goes back to Costco , puts in the $10 , pours in his concoction and waits for the results .

The computer prints the following:

1.Your tapwater is too hard . Get a water softener (aisle9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo (Asile 7)
3.Your daughter has a cocaine habit . Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant .Twins .Not yours..Get a lawyer .
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself ,your elbow will never get any better .


Thank you for shopping at Costco .


Ohhh!....This is such a good one that I am going to have to pass it on....Rofl...:)

[~BluEydFemme~]

There are 3 guys in a boat. One guy says "Hey, I bet I can get out and walk across the water".
The two other guys are like "yeah right!" So the guy gets out and walks across the water to land.
The second guy turns and says to the third "Well I bet I can do that too!"
The third guy goes "Yeah right. Ain't no way in hell."
So the second guy gets up and walks across the water to land.
Now the third guy is baffled. He yells "Hey, how did y'all do that?"
"Just get out and walk!" say the the two on land.
So the guy gets up, steps overboard, and sinks right to the bottom.
The two guys on land look at each other and one says "Hey, think we should have told him where the stepping stones were?"

[Guy]

Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.

Oh My, that sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.

Is it common?

It's not unusual

[Janstevie]

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

[Guy]

Bless me Father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.

The priest asks, Is that you, little Joey Pagano?

Yes, Father, it is.

And who was the girl you were with?
I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?
I cannot say, says Joey
Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?
I'll never tell
Was it Nina Capelli?
I'm sorry, but I cannot name her Father
Was it Cathy Piriano?
My lips are sealed.
Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?
Please, Father, I cannot tell you.

The priest sighs in frustration. You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, What'd you get?

I got four months vacation and five good leads!

[Guy]

So I was on my way home - I was sorta out in the country, and as I am driving I see the start of advertising signs for the upcoming fruit/veg stand

Plant City Strawberries

Sweet Corn

Big Ass Tomatoes :blink:

[Gemme]

So I was on my way home - I was sorta out in the country, and as I am driving I see the start of advertising signs for the upcoming fruit/veg stand

Plant City Strawberries

Sweet Corn

Big Ass Tomatoes :blink:

Those are my favorite kind! Ask Ebon; I specifically look for them when we get produce. :)

[Guy]

Hi Gemme

So your saying Big Ass Tomatoes are a specific kind of tomato?



Those are my favorite kind! Ask Ebon; I specifically look for them when we get produce. :)

[Gemme]

Hi Gemme

So your saying Big Ass Tomatoes are a specific kind of tomato?

:giggle:

No, it's not a specific brand. I was being facetious. I just always say that I'm looking for some big ass tomatoes.

*grin*

Why get the little ones when big ones are available?

[Guy]

LOL ok, just clarifying, since everything is bigger in Texas, that maybe you had some kind of funky new tomatoes.

[JustJo]

Used to love eating at Dinosaur BBQ in Syracuse when we lived there....but it was always a little tricky at business lunches when what I really wanted to order was the "Big Ass Pork Plate."

Image hell....it was worth the momentary :| look that followed from co-workers.

[Gemme]

LOL ok, just clarifying, since everything is bigger in Texas, that maybe you had some kind of funky new tomatoes.

phuTtJdF1og

[Guy]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, sits down and orders a drink. Shortly after, the monkey starts jumping all over the place and acting crazy. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them… grabs some sliced limes and eats them… then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, Did you see what your monkey just did? No, what? says the guy. He just ate the cue ball off my pool table – whole! says the bartender. Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, he eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ball and other things he ate. He the finishes his drink, pays the bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he’s back at the same bar again, monkey by his side as usual. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. Did you see what your monkey did? What this time? asks the patron. Well, he stuck a cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it! says the barkeeper.
Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first.

[Guy]

So theres a guy drowning in water, and a boat comes by and says do u need help, and the guy says no thank you, God will help me

so then he's still drowning, and another boat comes by and says do u need help, and the guy says no thank you, God will help me

so the man dies

goes to heaven

and asks God, why didn't u help me

and God says....

i sent TWO big boats u dummy

[Stud_puppy1991]

How can you tell if a lesbian is butch? She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons. I love that joke.:hangloose::hangloose::jester::cigar2:

[Janstevie]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.



(Hardly seems worth it.)






If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.


(Now that's more like it!)






The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.


(O.M.G.!)






A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.


(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)






A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)


(I'm still not over the pig.)






Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.


(Don't try this at home ; maybe at work.)






The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.


(Honey, I'm home . What the...?)






The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.


(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)






The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.


(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)






Some lions mate over 50 times a day.


(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)






Butterflies taste with their feet.


(Something I always wanted to know.)






The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.


(Hmmmmmm.......)






Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.


(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)






Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.


(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)










A cat's urine glows under a black light.


(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)






An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.


(I know some people like that.)






Starfish have no brains.


(I know some people like that, too.)






Polar bears are left-handed.


(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)






Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.


(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)























=

[Guy]

Why did the tomato blush?

He saw the salad dressing :rofl:

[Fancy]

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-gLRzhcFBaT4/Td0CBjbdwkI/AAAAAAAAAag/GaFOJPKfpD8/s1600/drumstick.jpg

[Janstevie]

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins

on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !


It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic

bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will

mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of

compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.


If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members

of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes

in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is

deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.


The male penguins then gather in a circle

around the fresh grave and sing:


"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."


"Then they kick him in the ice hole."

[Tcountry]

A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus do?' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, naturally..... I assumed you had stolen the car."

[Guy]

Yeah, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today. They left a little note on the windshield, It said parking fine

that was nice of them

[Janstevie]

I’m cle’a[ni.ng m'y' ke]yb36oa;rd.

[Janstevie]

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

[Guy]

What kind of snack do little monkeys have with their milk?

Chocolate chimp cookies.

[tapu]

When diet and exercise fail...?

Diet and exercise don't fail! Ask your doctor if getting up off your ass is right for you!

[tapu]

* Knock, knock.

> Who's there?

* Control freak! OK now you say 'control freak who'!

[hpychick]

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.

The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.

"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes," nodded the Monkey.
"What else?" asked the officer.
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth, sucking inward quickly.

"They were smoking marijuana too?" said the officer.
"Yes," nodded the Monkey.
"What else?" queried the officer.
The monkey motioned with his fingers...

"Having sex!. They were having sex, too!?" asked the astounded officer.
"Yes," nodded the monkey.
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and having sex before they wrecked?"
"Yes," the Monkey nodded.
"What were you doing during all this?" asked the Officer.
"Driving," motioned the monkey.

http://www.funny-potato.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/monkey-car.gif

[tapu]

Descartes was having dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter came up and asked, "Will you have dessert?"

Descartes said, "Oh, I think not." And poof! He disappeared!

[Linus]

From a friend of mine..

Greek Philosophy --- As pertinent today as 399 BC !!

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?" The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.


It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife!

[tapu]

How do hipsters say Hi?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

You don't already know?

[dixie]

How do hipsters say Hi?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

You don't already know?

http://cdn.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/1299547935925_1896327.png

[Janstevie]

A 75 Year Old Lady rings her local NHS hospital and this conversation follows:

'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'Do you know which ward she is in?'

'Yes, ward P, room 2B'

'I'll just put you through to the nurse station.'

'Hello, ward P, how can I help?'

'I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'I'll just check her notes. . . yes, I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's condition has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.'

'Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!'

'You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?'

'No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you f**k all in here

[WolfyOne]

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 40:
Begin with a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags. Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand . (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

[Janstevie]

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-
lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at two in the morning

[jelli]

A husband reads a book: "You are the man of your house" So he
storms to his wife and announced - "From now on you need to know I'm the man of the house. My word is LAW. You WILL cook & clean for me.You WILL go upstairs & give me the kind of sex I want. After, you WILL draw me a bath, wash my back & massage my feet. Oh, & guess who's going to dress me & comb my hair in the morning?.. . The wife replied "A friggen funeral director would be my 1st guess!!"

[asphaltcowboi]

The Gay Cowboy...

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

[Janstevie]

Do you know someone who is alive today simply because you can't afford a hitman?

[WolfyOne]

Donald Duck's on a dirty weekend, calls reception & asks for condoms.
Receptionist says shall I put them on your bill?
"Don't be thuckin thupid I'd thuffocate!"

[Guy]

On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.

(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy)

[Guy]

I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if the seal is broken." So I opened the box and sure enough.

[deb_U_taunt]

A teacher gave her kids lifesavers. The children began to identify the flavors by the colors - red/cherry, yellow/lemon, green/lime, orange.. Finally the teacher gave them all Honey lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste. She said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father." One little girl looked up in horror, spat her lifesaver out and yelled, "Oh my God, they're assholes!" The teacher had to leave the room.

[JoSchmooze]

Watching The Closer last night and seeing Capt Rader
fire off her bean bag shotgun at a suspect.....
And then complaining that even though she got the guy
right between the eyes, saying it was a lucky shot...
"the recoil on these things are atrocious"!!

I almost fell outta my recliner I was laughing so hard!

[Miss Scarlett]

Watching The Closer last night and seeing Capt Rader
fire off her bean bag shotgun at a suspect.....
And then complaining that even though she got the guy
right between the eyes, saying it was a lucky shot...
"the recoil on these things are atrocious"!!

I almost fell outta my recliner I was laughing so hard!


OMG...me too! And the deadpan way she delivered that line too!

[bigbutchmistie]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and preceded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either

[Janstevie]

Is a balanced diet a cake in each hand?

[tapu]

Saw a shirt last night at Newbury Comics that said:

I like you.
You die last.


I Need That Shirt.

[Tawse]

someone posted this as a fb status... made me lol for real:


Repost This If Someone Is Alive Today Because You Can't Afford A Hitman!

[sanee66]

YouTube - Laughing Old Man at Comedy Barn.mp4 - YouTube


i laughed til i cried

[Janstevie]

I would just like to share an experience with you all, and it has to do with drinking and driving.
As you know some of us have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd party over the years.
Well, I for one have done something about it: Last night I was out for a few drinks with some mates and had way too many glasses of the good old white wine.
Knowing full well I was wasted, I did something I've never done before. I took a bus home.
I arrived home safely and without incident which was a real surprise, since I had never driven a bus before!!

[Guy]

Watching VH1 and the classic SNL skit with Janet Jackson about cork soakers. Made me crack up!

[Tommi]

http://i410.photobucket.com/albums/pp190/FindStuff2/Funny/Funny%20Gifs/monorail_cat_zoom.gif

[Janstevie]

"inside me, There's a thin women trying to get out........But i can usually shut the cow up with chocolate."

[Scorp]

Holding up a lottery ticket, a husband says to his wife."What would you do if I won the lottery?"

She says..."I would take half, then leave you."

"Excellent", he replies...."I won 12 bucks. Here's $6, now get out."

[tapu]

Well-known and oft-told Mainer Joke:


You goin' to Bangor tonight?

Bangor? I hardly know 'er!

[DapperButch]

Well-known and oft-told Mainer Joke:


You goin' to Bangor tonight?

Bangor? I hardly know 'er!

You're a dork.

A funny dork.

[AtLast]

From time to time, I pop into this thread to get a laugh or two. I think it is a fun thread- except there are some jokes about size and weight that I find offensive. And the site covers sizism as against its TOS.

Sometimes we don't recognize that "fat" jokes can hurt people deeply. One of the things I was amazed with while I went through a period of my life in which I was obese was that people will just make comments about weight without any thought at all.

The other thing that bothers me about this is that many people that deal with weight issues have some very serious and life threatening eating disorders and I feel that fat jokes are just another way to divert attention away from serious thought about something that can be seriously impacting someone's life.

This was hard for me to post in some ways as having some threads that are for joking around is a good thing and I honestly doubt that anyone that has posted a joke involving weight is really meaning to be cruel in any way. I just think this is something to have sensitivity to.

[Venus007]

A photon goes on vacation, when she gets to the hotel the clerk says, "Ma'am, may I help you with your bags" she says "No, thanks, I'm traveling light".

[Janstevie]

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers . . . .
..so I did . . . . she's 21 and her name's Angela.


My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the
60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking - And then I saw her face . . . .


Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. The locals were
shouting paedophile and other names at me just because my girlfriend
is 21 and I'm 50.
It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary!


My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a
couple of Swan Vesta matches.....his little face lit up when he tried to
walk.

[Janstevie]

Having a smoking section in a restaurant is a little like having a peeing section in a pool.

[Rook]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/s320x320/313449_2488569579725_1417274427_32841394_142762797 8_n.jpg

:praying:

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/s320x320/308213_1867709227259_1676936873_1391041_213428957_ n.jpg

:blink:

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/s320x320/318490_259941614044729_100000866780019_750967_1458 341487_n.jpg

:bolt:

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/s320x320/303920_259982370707320_100000866780019_751077_1462 612610_n.jpg

:superfunny:

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/s320x320/301043_197998023606673_127583850648091_470932_8595 29950_n.jpg

:wtf:

[Bella~Vita]

DO you fart in bed? IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU. THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS. THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR. EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT. THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE CHRISTMAS DAY MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS, NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS, AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER. SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.. SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD. ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'. 'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE. 'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED. BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN! :fart: LMAO

[clay]

now THAT was freaking hilarious!! GOOD one, Kat!!! I'm laughing so hard, I am almost peeing my pants....thanks..I NEEDED this!DO you fart in bed? IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU. THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS. THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR. EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT. THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE CHRISTMAS DAY MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS, NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS, AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER. SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.. SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD. ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'. 'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE. 'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED. BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN! :fart: LMAO

[Bella~Vita]

Clay isn't that a hoot? I saw it on the internet and just had to post it. I was ROTFL myself till I cried... glad I could make you laugh !

[clay]

hey Kat...I am STILL laughing so hard....and yes, it was a hoot! Too freaking funny. I will NEVER look at giblets in the same light again, when making giblet gravy for Thanksgiving dinner...lmao...and will probably die laughing then, as well.Clay isn't that a hoot? I saw it on the internet and just had to post it. I was ROTFL myself till I cried... glad I could make you laugh !

[Janny]

A nude woman staring in the bedroom mirror says to her husband, "I feel absolutely horrible. I feel so fat and ugly! Please pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Well, your eyesight is damn near perfect." :^)

[Fancy]

http://a4.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/s320x320/314753_252496131460114_244088568967537_738747_1580 031222_n.jpg

[Fancy]

http://static.themetapicture.com/media/funny-cat-vs-dog-emotions-face.jpg

[Amber2010]

A young man decided to join the Army…
Three days later he was back home and his mother asked “Why did you decide not to stay in?”
He looked at his mother and says….
The First day I was given a comb and then they went and shaved all of my hair off…
The Second day I was given a toothbrush and they pulled eight of my teeth…
The third day they gave me a jock strap… I was not waiting... Over the wall I went!!!

[tapu]

A woman, just turned 40, admired herself in the bedroom mirror, saying, "I think I look better now than I did at 30."

And her husband, standing behind her, said, "REALLY??"



(Repeat from my blog--sorry. Janny's joke reminded me. This one is a "true story.")

[Bella~Vita]

Where's Clay? I have another sick joke for you ..

THE DEAD COW LECTURE

First-year students at the Auburn Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body."

For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.

[Novelafemme]

DO you fart in bed? IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU. THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS. THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR. EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT. THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE CHRISTMAS DAY MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS, NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS, AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER. SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.. SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD. ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'. 'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE. 'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED. BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN! :fart: LMAO


OMG!!! I think I scared the folks around me at work I laughed so loud :D

[clay]

OMG! You are sick I tell ya, sick..BUT I LOVE it...thanks..guess being a nurse, I am NOT swayed by anything like this..I see my lil buddy a2l liked it, too...GMTA eh girl..lmaoWhere's Clay? I have another sick joke for you ..

THE DEAD COW LECTURE

First-year students at the Auburn Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body."

For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.

[Bella~Vita]

OMG! You are sick I tell ya, sick..BUT I LOVE it...thanks..guess being a nurse, I am NOT swayed by anything like this..I see my lil buddy a2l liked it, too...GMTA eh girl..lmao


Well I was in medical also so I know all too well ... lmao.. I worked geriatrics and I got some storys ... lol

[Janstevie]

Marriage is a horserace ... listen carefully.


http://youtu.be/YRJF7QULUbE

[LaneyDoll]

Where's Clay? I have another sick joke for you ..

THE DEAD COW LECTURE

First-year students at the Auburn Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body."

For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.

As an Alabama fan, I have to love, love, love this one!!!

:sparklyheart:

[Bella~Vita]

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.

WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID
..... WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT ..... I'M GETTING A
FAX!!

[tapu]

I just posted a funny story on my BLOG! Not that I'm trying to drum up readers or anything.... See below for link. :o

[Bella~Vita]

From the mouth of Betty White ..... she's a hoot!

Why do people say 'grow some balls' ? Balls are weak & sensitive ! If you really want to get tough, grow a 'vagina' . Those things take a pounding ! :|

- Betty White - This is for Clay

[Bella~Vita]

There was this woman who had bags under her eyes and wanted to get them removed so she could look younger so she went to a plastic surgeon. She tells the doctor I cant get rid of these bags please help me. The doctor says he is gonna try and new experimental technique on her. He will put a crank in the back of her head and when she sees bags under her eyes she's supposed to crank it and the bags will go away. So she gets this crank put in her head and leaves. It works and works for a while until one day she cant get rid of these bags under her eyes. She cranks and cranks as hard as she can but they just wont go away. So she goes to the doctor. She says to the doctor: "Doctor, this was working for a while, but I cant seem to get rid of these bags under my eyes." The doctor replies: "Lady those aren't bags... those are your tits!" All she had to say was, "Now that would explain why I have this goatee."

[Bella~Vita]

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk. "I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive", she said. "Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?" "$50.00?? For a Frog??" asked the woman. The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It gives blow jobs." Well, the woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so, she thought his was a heck of a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy, and she'd never
have to do that again. The woman decided to buy the frog. She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, her husband was a bit skeptical, but said for sure he'd try it out that night. The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give another blow job. About two in the morning, she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on. When she got to the kitchen she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies, looking through cookbooks. "What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" asked the woman. The husband looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here."

[Bella~Vita]

A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger tits'. The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months'. 'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks the girlfriend.
'Well it worked for your ass' says the boyfriend. :|

[Bella~Vita]

This is a must see. But make sure you go to the bathroom first I wouldn't want you to pee your pantz. Warning: do NOT have food or drink in your mouth while watching.






http://www.bitoffun.com/video_vault/sexy-talent-amy-g.htm

:|

[clay]

OMG! RotflmaopmpThis is a must see. But make sure you go to the bathroom first I wouldn't want you to pee your pantz. Warning: do NOT have food or drink in your mouth while watching.






http://www.bitoffun.com/video_vault/sexy-talent-amy-g.htm

:|

[Bella~Vita]

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her partner... She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope too."

"That's nuts," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a cute 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot..

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"

:jester:

[Janstevie]

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? "Me neither".

[clay]

ME: Do you know the difference between sex & salad?
HER: No.
ME: Want to go out tonight

[DamonK]

OMG! You are sick I tell ya, sick..BUT I LOVE it...thanks..guess being a nurse, I am NOT swayed by anything like this..I see my lil buddy a2l liked it, too...GMTA eh girl..lmao

I always get volunteered or volunteer myself to help with all the gross stuff my nurses need to do at work. Its fascinating, yet sometimes sickening.

That story about the cow.....omfg lmao

[Guy]

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."

[tiggs]

A friend sent me this via e-mail today:

"Why do people say "grow some balls"? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding"
― Betty White

[Janstevie]

From a Dog's Diary



8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


From a Cat's Diary

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre
little dangling objects.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt
to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.
Bastards.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try
this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and
seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with
the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My
captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so
he is safe. For now... Will keep you posted.

[tiggs]

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you.

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

[CockyDude]

What food makes women lose their desire for sex?
Wedding cake.

[CockyDude]

An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband "Just think honey, we've been married 50 years." "Yes", he replies, "50 years ago we were sitting at this table having breakfast and we were probably naked as jaybirds." "Well", she snickers, "should we get naked for old time's sake?" So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know", the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago." "I'm not surprised", replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal."

[Janstevie]

I got a new stick deodorant today, the instructions said, remove cap and push up bottom. I can hardly walk, but whenever i fart the room smells lovely.

[CockyDude]

So Tommy & Johnny are in class & the teacher tells them they will be talking about "privates" tomorrow. The girls are to ask their mothers about vaginas & the boys are to talk to their dads about penis'.
Walking home that day Tommy asks Johnny if he knows what a penis is. "No" Johnny says, "But I'll ask my father tonight.". After dinner that evening Johnny asks his dad; "Dad do you know what a penis is?" "Yes son" said the dad. "Come into the bathroom with me." The dad pulls down his pants and says "Thisis iYes I could. ;-)s a penis Johnny, and a perfect penis I might add." The next morning Johnny & Tommy are walking to school. Tommy asks Johnny "Did you find out what a penis is?" Johnny replies "Yes I did. Here, let's go behind these bushes." Johnny then drops his pants, points and says "This is a penis and if it was just 2 inches shorter it'd be perfect."

[NJFemmie]

http://a1.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/s320x320/304018_278751822147572_191103547579067_949809_1787 519925_n.jpg

[Guy]

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He'd been employed there for years when he came home one day and told his wife he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife, terribly concerned, suggested that he see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill refused , he'd be too embarrassed, and vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

So a few weeks later, Bill came home one day , His wife knew something was seriously wrong. My God, Bill, what's wrong? she asked. Bill looked at her. Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?
Oh Bill, you didn't, she moaned, horrified.
Yes, I did
My God, Bill, what happened?
I got fired.
No, Bill, I mean what happened with the pickle slicer?
Oh, she got fired too.

[Bella~Vita]

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives,
they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able
to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the
husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as
he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a
piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is
driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR
stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up.'

[tapu]

I may already have posted this in another thread. I can't remember. I post so many things. But this fills me with laughter so I'll post it here. (No one's keeping track, right? Except DapperButch?)


If you want to know what it's like to have a third child, imagine that you're drowning and someone hands you a third child.

[CockyDude]

One afternoon mama is making a pot of chili. She reaches into the cabinet for some seasonings and a box of BBs falls out, into the pot. She panics then realizes, hell they're BBs. They should sink to the bottom. No harm. So dinnertime arrives, everyone is happy with the chili and mama figures no problems. About an hour after dinner her husband says, "Honey I just went to the bathroom & peed a BB.". She replies "Yes I know. You ate a BB. It's not gonna kill you. You'll be fine. Another 20 minutes goes by and her daughter comes crying into the kitchen. "Mommy, Mommy, I just went potty and a BB came out." It's okay honey" mom says. "You'll be fine." another 30 minutes goes by and her son comes running into the kitchen. "Mom, mom you'll never guess what happened." I know, I know" mom replies. "you went potty and peed a BB.,". "No" says the son. "I was in the barn jerkin off and I shot the dog."

[Stud_puppy1991]

Two old lesbians are doing it on a park bench. One lesbian says " Take your glasses off, you're scratching my leg." The other one says, "Put your glasses back on, you're licking the bench."

[LeftWriteFemme]

http://thebeautybrains.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/snail-300x188.jpg

[CockyDude]

Sex is now classified as a misdemeanor; the more you miss, the meaner you get.

[CockyDude]

If a man is alone in the forest and has a thought, is he still wrong?

[Miss July]

If a man is alone in the forest and has a thought, is he still wrong?

YESSSSS
(That was a given)

[Janstevie]

Beer is proof that god loves us and wants us to be happy.

[Janstevie]

How Smart is Your Right Foot?

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind, and you will keep
trying at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot, but
you can't.

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor
and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your
right hand. Your foot will change direction.

I told you so .....And there's nothing you can do about it

[Gemme]

How Smart is Your Right Foot?

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind, and you will keep
trying at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot, but
you can't.

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor
and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your
right hand. Your foot will change direction.

I told you so .....And there's nothing you can do about it

That's fun!

I got Ebon with this. :)

[kannon]

Twilight is a story about a girl who has to choose between beastiality or nechrophilia!

[Fancy]

http://profile.ak.fbcdn.net/hprofile-ak-snc4/50512_298129283600_5774903_n.jpg

[Novelafemme]

http://pic100.picturetrail.com/VOL1103/13419303/23939298/399569573.jpg


I know I am going straight to hell for this, but it made me laugh so hard I peed a little. :)

<in case you don't get it...look for jesus> ;)

[Janstevie]

How To Cook A Turkey:

First, buy the turkey and a bottle of vodka. Pour yourself a glass of vodka and put the turkey in the oven. Take another 2 drinks of vodka, and set the degree at 375 ovens. Have 3 more vodka of drink and turn the oven on. Take 4 of vodka drinky and turk the bastey. Stick a turkey in the thermometer, and glass yourself a pour of vodka. Bake the vodka for 4 hours, take the oven out of the turkey, and floor the turkey up off the pick. Pour yourself another glass of turkey. Now just tet the sable, and turk the carvey.

[TheDreadPirateRoberts]

one of the kids randomly making a comment...well fact... about monkeys ...

[clay]

Hmmmm now THAT was funny! Esp. in lieu of a recent conversation AND visual I had with someone recently...gives a whole new meaning to "one hot box"....jus' sayin'...How To Cook A Turkey:

First, buy the turkey and a bottle of vodka. Pour yourself a glass of vodka and put the turkey in the oven. Take another 2 drinks of vodka, and set the degree at 375 ovens. Have 3 more vodka of drink and turn the oven on. Take 4 of vodka drinky and turk the bastey. Stick a turkey in the thermometer, and glass yourself a pour of vodka. Bake the vodka for 4 hours, take the oven out of the turkey, and floor the turkey up off the pick. Pour yourself another glass of turkey. Now just tet the sable, and turk the carvey.

[Janstevie]

It all began with an iPhone...
March, was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?

I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

Our daughter's birthday was in August, so we got her an iPod Touch.

My wife celebrated her birthday in September, so I got her an iRon.

It was around then that the fight started...

I dont remember much, just a lot of shouting from my wife..... iWash, iCook, and iClean.

I should be out of the hospital next week!!
iHurt.













..

[Rook]

http://i265.photobucket.com/albums/ii214/amor_en_silencio_77/00.jpg

T7v9k36y_4w

[Honey]

Q: How can you tell the difference btw an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

A: By the taste

[Novelafemme]

http://pic100.picturetrail.com/VOL1103/13419303/23939298/400395487.jpg

Dear Buddha - I want to have your peace...
your wisdom, your serenity, your divine nature... your acorn hat!
Love,
Squirrel

[Janstevie]

Some days it's not even worth chewing through the restraints.

[adorable]

http://i1152.photobucket.com/albums/p488/Anglilbadgirl/Morganfreeman.jpg

[Janstevie]

Happy Valentine everyone,
Tonight will be just like last year, Romantic meal for one, wine for 4.

[Janstevie]

Came home one day early in December to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone. What sort of sick person does that to someone's Advent calendar.?

[~BluEydFemme~]

If Peter Piper picked a peck of Pickled Peppers,
A peck of Pickled Pepper Peter Piper picked....
If Peter Piper picked a peck of Pickled Peppers,
How many Pickled Peppers did Peter Piper Pick???
:moonstars:

[Janstevie]

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 survivors; Jim, Tom and Susie.
They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.
She felt having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.
It was tragic, but Jim and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Jim and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.
Well, a couple more years went by and Jim and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
So, they buried Susie.

[theoddz]

First, let me say that I adore history. I read as much as I can about all of it. I just love it!!! :awww:

I was reading an article online today about Queen Victoria and Prince Albert. The article was written by Julian Fellowes, the author of the screenplay for the movie, "The Young Victoria", which first came out about three years ago. One of the historical facts that this movie aimed at bringing out was the fact that Queen Victoria had a wonderful sense and appreciation for humor, particularly during the earlier years of her life and during the happy years of her marriage to Prince Albert. We don't commonly associate our image of Queen Victoria as much other than the depressed, dour, straightlaced monarch who is pictured later in her life wearing black and living in near seclusion after the death of her husband, Prince Albert. When Victoria was young, she loved to laugh and had a wonderful sense of humor. The article contains this brief passage about something that happened during a dinner attended by Queen Victoria:

"An occasion at Windsor Castle reveals her immense sense of humour. It came during a formal dinner when she was seated next to a frightfully deaf naval admiral who was talking about his ship.

During a lull in the conversation, she asked, 'And how is your sister?' The admiral, who had misheard the question and was unaware of the change of topic, replied, 'Well ma'am, I'm thinking of taking her out of the water this summer, turning her over and giving her bottom a good scrape.'

Victoria laughed so much that there were tears streaming down her face, which reduced the rest of the table to fits of laughter as well. Eventually, she had to punch herself in the leg to control herself."

This kind of stuff tickles me. :superfunny:

Gotta love history. :winky:

The entire article is here: linkyloo (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1156046/Queen-passion-Silk-stockings-chandelier-shaking-arguments--secrets-young-Victoria-Albert.html)

~Theo~ :bouquet:

[WolfyOne]

The train was quite crowded, so a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?' The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired. She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!' This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!' An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.'

[Janstevie]

"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don’t think I can eat eight.'"

[Janstevie]

Kids are like farts. You don’t mind your own, but other peoples are unbearable.

[Janstevie]

Whenever i feel like exercise i lie down until the feeling passes

[Janstevie]

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.

[Janstevie]

My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard

[Janstevie]

A REAL man is a woman's best friend, he will never let her down.
He will comfort her after a bad day at work. He will inspire her to
do things she never thought she could do. He will enable her to
express her deepest emotion's. He will enable her to be confident,
sexy, seductive, invincible, err....no wait, Sorry, i am thinking of
WINE..it's wine that does all that stuff.
Sorry Never mind.....

[Janstevie]

ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked OK for a 61 year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she Probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever Had a Sportsman's Double.
'What's that?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said, 'No,' - excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.

I went back to her place.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?' ..........

[TimilDeeps]

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.
-- Steven Wright

[Janstevie]

Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:

"Windows frozen."


Husband texts back:

"pour some lukewarm water over it."



Wife texts back:

"computer completely stuffed now."

[Janstevie]

A repair shop:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

[Tony]

A wife treats hubby to a lap dance club for his birthday. At the club the doorman says "Hi Jim. How you doing?" The wife asks how he knows him. "Oh honey, we play softball together."
Bartender says "The usual, Jim?". Hubby says "Now before you say anything, he's on my dart league."
A lap dancer says "You crave the special again Jim?"
The wife storms out dragging Jim behind her and jumps into a taxi. Driver says "Hey Jimmy boy, you picked up an ugly one this time."

Jim's funeral is Sunday.

[Tony]

An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband "Just think honey, we've been married 50 years." "Yes", he replies, "50 years ago we were sitting at this table having breakfast and we were probably naked as jaybirds." "Well", she snickers, "should we get naked for old time's sake?" So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know", the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago." "I'm not surprised", replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal."

[Janstevie]

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silently as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "£5,000 for a male brain, and£200 for a female brain..."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,

"Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used."

[Tony]

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked OK for a 61 year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.
'What's that?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said, 'No,' - excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.

I went back to her place.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?' ..........

[snowbunny]

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked OK for a 61 year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.
'What's that?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said, 'No,' - excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.

I went back to her place.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?' ..........


Ohhh Yuck!!

[Tony]

Ohhh Yuck!!

Lol. Yea, not quite what I had in mind.

[Tony]

Hey Tony --

We discussed these in the moderator forum and we feel like a lot of your "Humor" is very negatively slanted towards women. Please be more careful and thoughtful about what you post.

Thanks,
June (Moderator)

Sorry, I just saw this. I can assure you there was no malice. But I will be more careful & sensitive. Although, I'll probably have to reach deep for the sensitive part. Lol. But reach I will.

[TimilDeeps]

I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. (Steven Wright)

[TimilDeeps]

I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough... (Brian Kiley)

[TimilDeeps]

guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door.
He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch.
He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"

[LeftWriteFemme]

I love this....rumor has it that this is the song that got him fired from the math department at Harvard

EDeRYmB4t6Q

[WolfyOne]

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of MOUNT & DO

[Janstevie]

Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

[Janstevie]

Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded...

[Dance-with-me]

Required watching for any parent. I'm still laughing.

TnpTcrtsN3U

[Gemme]

Required watching for any parent. I'm still laughing.

TnpTcrtsN3U

Ohmygoodness.

:blink:

[Duchess]

xHKTE75dgE4

[lusciouskiwi]

Z4Y4keqTV6w

[Janstevie]

When i was little my dad had me convinced that the Ice Cream van only played music when it was sold out.
Well played dad, well played.

[Janstevie]

I've always wanted to go into an elevator full of strangers and say " I suppose you're wondering why i've gathered you all here today"

[Janstevie]

Now Seniors have their own texting codes:

* ATD- At the Doctor's

* BFF - Best Friends Funeral

* BTW- Bring the Wheelchair

* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

* CBM- Covered by Medicare

* CUATSC- See You at the Senior Citizens

* DWI- Driving While Incontinent

* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

* GGPBL- Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

* GHA - Got Heartburn Again

* LMDO- Laughing My Dentures Out

* LOL- Living on Lipitor

* * TOT- Texting on Toilet

*


Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)

[Janstevie]

Dear Algebra,
Please stop asking us to find your X, she's never coming back and dont ask Y.

[Janstevie]

There are two words in a person's life that will open lots of doors for them - Push and Pull.

[Smiling]

3 men walked into a bar. The 4th one ducked.

lol

[Janstevie]

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

[Janstevie]

My doctor asked if any members of my family suffered from insanity, i said no we all seem to enjoy it.

[Janstevie]

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with
an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your
ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over
there.....", as he pointed out a distant location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded, saying, " Mister, I have the
authority of the Federal Government with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge
and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go
wherever I wish.... on ANY land!! No questions asked or
answers given!! Have I made myself clear...... do you understand???"


The rancher nodded politely, apoligised and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up
and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the
rancher's enormous Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it
seemed likely that the officer would be gruesomely gored before he reached safety. The man was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at
the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge........ show him your BADGE!!!





.

[Duchess]

My lesbian neighbors bought me a Rolex for Christmas...

I guess they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.:tease:

[Janstevie]

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that your ex-partner is really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

[macele]

there were these 3 rabbits. put, put put, and put put put. well put got sick. so put put and put put put took put to the doctor. o it was awful, put died. put put and put put put grieved some kind of terrible. not too long after put died, put put got sick. so put put put took put put to the doctor. put put put was hopping and screaming all over that clinic! and he told the doctor, "please doctor please! don't let put put die! i've already got one put in the grave!"

[Janstevie]

DO NOT READ THE NEXT SENTENCE.

You little rebel. I like you.

[AnnRkey]

The fact that its bring your child to work day. Seeing as I have no kids, I found it quite entertaining myself and some older widow/spinster types are the only ones sitting doing work still instead of taking pics with Smokey the Bear, carrying Animal Balloons, and eating cake. LOL!

[Janstevie]

I couldn't believe my dad had been stealing from his job as a road worker,
although saying that, all the signs were there.

[Janstevie]

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Lexus's in the garage not to mention the yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim ?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.

[Janstevie]

I dont want to brag or make anyone jealous but ... i can still fit into the earrings i wore in high school.

[Janstevie]

My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"

Being the kind hearted man that I am, I thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her."

So we walked past it again.

[Janstevie]

'I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.

[Janstevie]

'I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.

[Scots_On_The_Rocks]

Things I have said to my doc:

"Round IS a shape so shut up!"

"Yeah, about that exercise thing...you see my thighs would rub together creating friction that would catch my underwear on fire, and seeing how that would be considered as arson, insurance don't cover that, so no, I won't be exercising any time soon."