PDA

View Full Version : Dating "non single" people


WheelieStrong
12-22-2010, 10:50 AM
Ok so the guy i'm so very in love with is not single, but he sees his bf regularly, does not live with him.. (w)

My Head says run an don't stop running.
My Heart says i don't care, i love him, this is definitely love and the rest will work itself out.

i chat to his mum regularly too so he's not hiding me or anything. :)

But my reason for this post isn't him, it's me (mostly)..

i really am in love (yes i'm a fool!) we talk every night, text all day, (and not just about sex lol) and he's coming over to spend new year with me, so even with the few issues i have, i am not debating my current relationship.

However..

I "always" (like 90% of the time) want or fall for people i can't have, can't physically be with or are "non single"

i already worry a lot about quite litterally everything i can seem to find anything to worry about, so i keep trying not to worry about this.

i know this makes me a bad guy, but what's going on???

My first ever relationship was with a married woman but to be fair to myself, i do need to say, she let me beleive she was free and single, let me fall for her then told me she was married with two kiddies.. Talk about starting as you mean to go on.

Peach
12-23-2010, 06:16 PM
A relationship that starts in cheating, ends in cheating, at least thats how *I* feel. If this guys other partner knows about you, and is ok with you seeing each other, fine. But if they DONT know then respect the relationship and stay out of it.

princessbelle
12-23-2010, 06:36 PM
I sure am not an expert by any means. But, you post asking for advice/opinions so here is mine:

Follow your head. Sounds like real committment (an observation, not a judgement) is maybe an issue by wanting someone you can't have. That may be what YOU want and need. But, what about them and what you are doing to their lives/lovers?

Stay clear, don't pass go, don't keep stirring the pot......for everyone's sake.
It smells "trouble".


Perhaps, one day, a relationship will come along that is free and clear and open and honest for EVERYONE involved. You may be ready at that point. Then, in my humble opinion, call it "love".

Just my .2.

Good luck to you.

atomiczombie
12-23-2010, 07:44 PM
It seems pretty dysfunctional to date/fall in love with people who are committed to someone else. Maybe it's you who aren't available, and you just want something without any real chance of a relationship, have you thought of that? If so, then just date poly people who have primaries, or just date single people with the understanding that it won't go anywhere. Doing what you are doing now is just asking for a shit load of drama. Drop him. That's my .02

Soft*Silver
12-23-2010, 07:54 PM
I have been the woman at home, waiting for her man to leave his mistress.

it sucks. Its the worst imaginable pain. And I still bear emotional scars from it.

I am not emotionally available because of this so I am staying out of relationships. I would rather be alone on my own than lonely in a bad relationship, and I wont do to some other person what was done to me. I wont take someone else's partner.

take what you want from my post. Or take nothing. You are the only one who will determine if you will hear wisdom or act on your own design...

Blade
12-23-2010, 09:55 PM
I heard that! Great observation and great advice!

A relationship that starts in cheating, ends in cheating, at least thats how *I* feel. If this guys other partner knows about you, and is ok with you seeing each other, fine. But if they DONT know then respect the relationship and stay out of it.

DomnNC
12-24-2010, 01:59 AM
If all parties involved know of each other then so be it, but if they don't, shame for shame.

Put the shoes on your feet, would you want someone sneaking around behind your back with your boyfriend?

Lastly, it appears you are protecting yourself, ie, what are you so afraid of that you can't go out and cultivate your own relationship with someone who is single? What are you afraid of? Perhaps a little therapy would be in order to figure that out. That would be time more wisely spent than interfering in an established relationship. Just my thoughts.

WheelieStrong
12-24-2010, 09:58 AM
hi, thank you for all your replies, i beleive every single one of you have made good points!

I guess my ex has a lot to do with this too.. We still live together (she is also my paid care staff) although we haven't been a couple for many years, some friends beleive she is the reason i seem to attract or be attracted to non single folk, one example i was given is, my friend beleived if i went for a non single person, they couldn't (apparently) expect me to change my living situation etc.

i know for sure my ex is the reason i posted here instead of talking to an in the flesh person.. i know for sure that even though she likes the chap i am seeing, she is so obviously jealous (which i don't understand).. i don't want to talk to her about this, which normally i would cause all my friends are online..

But that would be rubbing her nose in the situation, right?

And i worry about telling her anything less than flattering about my situation as she already has the power to make my life a living hell!!!

i don't want her to have anything to use against this chap!

i am trying to get therapy, just waiting to hear back from the relivent people

Deborah
12-24-2010, 10:10 AM
You obviously realize this isnt acceptable or attractive behavior or you wouldnt have posted....if you are unable to afford therapy or want to try another route...look into Codependents Anonymous, free meetings and can go or do online just about anytime...there may be some self esteem issues or other things that cause you to choose these types of relationships....just a sugestion

citybutch
12-24-2010, 10:14 AM
I think you just answered your own question.

hi, thank you for all your replies, i beleive every single one of you have made good points!

I guess my ex has a lot to do with this too.. We still live together (she is also my paid care staff) although we haven't been a couple for many years, some friends beleive she is the reason i seem to attract or be attracted to non single folk, one example i was given is, my friend beleived if i went for a non single person, they couldn't (apparently) expect me to change my living situation etc.

i know for sure my ex is the reason i posted here instead of talking to an in the flesh person.. i know for sure that even though she likes the chap i am seeing, she is so obviously jealous (which i don't understand).. i don't want to talk to her about this, which normally i would cause all my friends are online..

But that would be rubbing her nose in the situation, right?

And i worry about telling her anything less than flattering about my situation as she already has the power to make my life a living hell!!!

i don't want her to have anything to use against this chap!

i am trying to get therapy, just waiting to hear back from the relivent people

Sachita
12-24-2010, 11:27 AM
I'm pretty open-minded and monogamy doesnt work for some people. Deception is a whole other matter and in situations where it is present it brews the worse krama of all. Someone is going to get hurt bad. As citybutch said, "you answered your own question." In my experience ex's complicate things but it sounds like its complicated enough without that.

If a person cheats they will do it again imo

Ebon
12-24-2010, 11:31 AM
If he's cheating with you emotionally or physically and you guys get together he's going to do the same thing to you. You will become her. I know you probably won't listen but you should stay away. What begins in chaos ends in chaos. I feel bad for his girl that is just not cool.

Daywalker
12-24-2010, 12:20 PM
Funny, you know yourself so well...yet you don't.
:thinking:


Ever watched TV shows where someone sticks their hand in a Gators mouth?

And you think, why would they do that?
Then, they get bit.
:seeingstars:
The next week, there they are sticking their
hand in the Gators mouth again.
:|

And you say to yourself...why in thee hell are they
still doing that when they know they gonna get bit?
:seconddoh:

Marinate on that one for a while.

:coffee:

Oh, and Merry Groovy Holidays.

:grinch:

:daywalker:

The_Lady_Snow
12-24-2010, 12:36 PM
Happy Holidays!

Good luck figuring out if you want to be cheating, a cheater or whatever happens as long as you can look in the mirror at yourself and be ok then I say go for it. It's all shady from this standpoint, but in reality you are going to do what you want and where your desires and lusts take you. In the end it's about being able to look in that mirror and say, I live right, I can walk with my head held proud and I sleep well at night.

Invictus
12-24-2010, 01:21 PM
To put my humble opinion on your situation briefly...
Are you out of your mind?

To expand upon my thoughts further...

First, your "ex" is your caregiver. The line between personal and professional relationship seems to be only one of the issues involved. An "ex" as an employee is never comfortable for anyone.

Second...thats what you are, second in someone's life. If you are willing to settle for 2nd place so be it. Remember though, that 2nd place is 1st loser.

WheelieStrong
12-24-2010, 01:21 PM
In the end it's about being able to look in that mirror and say, I live right, I can walk with my head held proud and I sleep well at night.

Not to sound all dramatic or anything, i mean this from within my heart..
i don't remember ever being proud to be me, and sleeping at night is a major issue.

i just worry i'm never going to be a good person, no matter what!

T-Rex
12-24-2010, 01:28 PM
Hey all --

I'm going to ask that we keep this thread really low-key. If you find yourself tempted to post something snarky, please turn the computer off and walk away.

Why? Because we're all pretty busy today and tomorrow and if things blow up, I'm likely to get cranky and start sending people to the "Spa" and deal with it later.

Wheelie -- Keep in mind, this is a pretty big topic to discuss and its likely a lot of folks are going to disagree with you.

As a fellow member and someone who cares, I do hope you can get some counseling so you feel better overall about yourself. Sometimes its a long, hard journey for a lot of us.

I wish you all peace and as many light-up nativity camels as you can carry without getting caught.

June (Moderator voice)

WheelieStrong
12-24-2010, 01:34 PM
June, i'm not going to be upset with others for their oppinnions, i asked for them, you take the rough with the smooth.

But that's exactly why this is good place to ask about stuff more veiws/oppinnions and less chance of direct bias (i hope)

Thank you

WheelieStrong
12-24-2010, 01:37 PM
Invictus i aggree with every word, she is not my ex because i want it that way, nor is she my care because i want it.

idealy i'd like someone for myself, and for me to be theirs but it just never happenned.

The_Lady_Snow
12-24-2010, 01:52 PM
Not to sound all dramatic or anything, i mean this from within my heart..
i don't remember ever being proud to be me, and sleeping at night is a major issue.

i just worry i'm never going to be a good person, no matter what!


If it doesn't bother you then keep doing what you are doing, we can only hope for the best for you. Sincerely good luck on whatever you choose.

Bella~Vita
12-24-2010, 02:09 PM
Love is within ones self, begin there and stay true to yourself. It seems you already know this situation is not healthy. I wish you happiness and love in your life. Perhaps then you will find what you want . Good luck !

DomnNC
12-24-2010, 02:16 PM
Invictus i aggree with every word, she is not my ex because i want it that way, nor is she my care because i want it.

idealy i'd like someone for myself, and for me to be theirs but it just never happenned.

Wheelie, is there some chance you can reconcile with your ex since you said her being your ex was not what you wanted? I dunno, just sounds like there are a lot of unresolved issues between the two of you especially if she gets jealous if you see someone else. What about couples counseling? Even if you don't resolve things to get back together perhaps you can resolve things to the point that both of you can go ahead and live your lives without fear of recrimination from each other. Just a thought.

I do wish you the best in your choices and you can be a good person, anyone can. Just by you making this post and asking for opinions and being willing to deal with what's handed to you says that you have it in you to be a good person.

I wish you a most wonderful Christmas!

weatherboi
12-24-2010, 02:25 PM
hi folks!!! Happy holidays!!!

i have read thru this thread and am guessing the partner doesn't know you are in the picture. So I am basing my response on this.

i am wondering what the impact on trust issues amoungst peers we create from these kinds of situations in our queer culture. people more than once and I also have been third party witness to enough shady online and real time behavior that i wonder these kinds of things. i mean what if the other guy was potentially a candidate to be a really great friend? What kinda friend bridges are destroyed by feeding into these behaviors?

Random
12-24-2010, 03:14 PM
What do you get from the relationship? What does he get from the relationship? Why can't he open up his primary relationship? Do you want him full time? does he want you full time?

There is absolutly nothing wrong with being a secondary, if that's what you really want... But settling on being second, just because that is the only way you can have the person in your life isn't that good a deal...


Can you find out if him having an open relationship is even on the table?


My thoughts are... Only do what you are willing to pay for... What are the costs?

If you are willing to pay the price.. You have weighed all the sides and found that you still want what you want and are willing to permantly alter someone for your needs to be met (because anyone who has been cheated on knows.. It permanantly alters who you are) then own it... Say, this is who I am... What I want is what matters...

If you are not wanting to be that person, then stop.. Don't be that person... That simple... You know what is going to happen if you continue on this road, someones world is going to be destroyed. Doesn't matter that you didn't mean it to happen, or that you feel bad about it.... You still do it, so own it...

Like Snow said... Don't do anything that doesn't let you look yourself in the eye or makes it hard for you to sleep at night... It's that simple...

morningstar55
12-24-2010, 03:45 PM
you say your always seem to go after ones .. that you cant have??
well once and IF you get this one to committ to you.......and only you.
you will lose interest...... yes???
and chase some other attached person...... cuz its someone you cant have .
thrill is gone.
and plus its cheating.

atomiczombie
12-24-2010, 04:05 PM
Not to sound all dramatic or anything, i mean this from within my heart..
i don't remember ever being proud to be me, and sleeping at night is a major issue.

i just worry i'm never going to be a good person, no matter what!

Then stop what you are doing. Being a good person is not complicated. It is very straightforward. Just do what deep down you know is the right thing to do. You may not like it, in fact it may really piss you off, having to think of someone else's interests before your own. But when it comes right down to it, you will be miserable doing the wrong thing too. You obviously are now. There are places you can go to get counseling on a sliding scale, so you don't have to pay the full price.

If you want to feel better about yourself, just make the right decisions and do what you need to do to make your life better. It just comes down to making a simple choice - do what is right or continue doing what you are doing. You have the total power and responsibility to make this choice. Not making a choice is making a choice too, by the way. Good luck and Merry Christmas!

JustJo
12-24-2010, 04:22 PM
Hi Wheelie,

For me, there's nothing wrong with loving someone who isn't available, but there is something wrong with acting on it. If you're talking and texting all the time (and if any of it is about sex...even tho you laughed about "not all about sex"), then you're acting on it. They are already emotionally cheating on their partner...and you're the other player in that triangle.

Again, just for me, that's never okay.

An open or poly arrangment is a very different thing. If everyone knows and everyone is okay with it, then carry on and much joy to you all. It doesn't sound like that's what's happening here though. And cheating...whether it's physical or emotional...erodes trust in a big, big way. For me, that trust never comes back...and without the trust, there's no chance for the relationship.

On the other subject....about always being interested in "not available" people...I have done this. The problem was in myself, and in my core belief that I didn't deserve a "real" relationship. I wouldn't have expressed it that way then, but that's what was going on. Counseling helped, writing helped, talking at length with a trusted friend helped...and I still struggled with it for a long, long time. I know where that came from for me now....but I would guess that it's different for everyone. What I know for sure....those "relationships" were incredibly damaging to me...and they made my problem worse, not better. I had to do the work first...then I had a chance for a real relationship.

Best of luck to you. :rrose:

Gemme
12-24-2010, 05:28 PM
hi, thank you for all your replies, i beleive every single one of you have made good points!

I guess my ex has a lot to do with this too.. We still live together (she is also my paid care staff) although we haven't been a couple for many years, some friends beleive she is the reason i seem to attract or be attracted to non single folk, one example i was given is, my friend beleived if i went for a non single person, they couldn't (apparently) expect me to change my living situation etc.

i know for sure my ex is the reason i posted here instead of talking to an in the flesh person.. i know for sure that even though she likes the chap i am seeing, she is so obviously jealous (which i don't understand).. i don't want to talk to her about this, which normally i would cause all my friends are online..

But that would be rubbing her nose in the situation, right?

And i worry about telling her anything less than flattering about my situation as she already has the power to make my life a living hell!!!

i don't want her to have anything to use against this chap!

i am trying to get therapy, just waiting to hear back from the relivent people

To put my humble opinion on your situation briefly...
Are you out of your mind?

To expand upon my thoughts further...

First, your "ex" is your caregiver. The line between personal and professional relationship seems to be only one of the issues involved. An "ex" as an employee is never comfortable for anyone.

Second...thats what you are, second in someone's life. If you are willing to settle for 2nd place so be it. Remember though, that 2nd place is 1st loser.

Hi, Wheelie and happy holidays.

Like Invictus, I'm shaking my head at your primary caregiver being an ex, especially with her (forgive me if the pronoun is not correct) showing signs of jealousy at your interest in another. It's a VERY unhealthy place for you to be, much less bringing anyone else into the picture.

I do understand that you are differently abled and do require care by another. Why does that person have to be your ex? What are you getting out of it? Free room and board? Is s/he working for free or next to nothing? You've got to weigh the benefit of having your ex do this for you with the other aspects of your life and the potential for disaster (which may be around the corner).

I'm not going to waggle my finger at you about hooking up with someone who is not available. Plenty of folks have covered that point very succinctly and it feels to me as if you understand that the potential for emotional damage to all parties is high. Just think about this while you mull the rest of the responses over in your head: what does each person involved get out of this? The boy, the boy's partner, you, your ex and anyone else involved. That's a lot of lives to be toying with so I understand the weight on your shoulders.

May the holidays and New Year bring you some much needed clarity.

Jesse
12-24-2010, 05:41 PM
My advise is simple. Do be careful with your decisions, karma has an uncanny way of kicking one squarely in the ass. Good luck and Happy Holidays.

Soft*Silver
12-24-2010, 06:53 PM
Hey Wheelie..what I am worried about has nothing to do with the chap you are seeing.

I am worried about the suggestion you made that your caregiver could make your life miserable...

to me, that smacks of the potential for abuse. And maybe some has already happened.

I remember working in a domestic violence shelter and intervening with a woman who was in a wheelchair who was being abused by her caretaker, who was also her boyfriend, who was the one who was stepping out on her.

The potential for abuse between you and your ex is there or you wouldnt have said that.

Maybe you are picking people who arent available because you FEAR picking someone who you could openly fall in love with.

I think therapy is in order...I also think you need to find a new caretaker, hun. Your life isnt going to be your own and that relationship is never going to end enough for you to move onto a real relationship until thats done...


you are in my prayers....

Martina
12-24-2010, 10:19 PM
and you just want something without any real chance of a relationship, have you thought of that? If so, then just date poly people who have primaries, or just date single people with the understanding that it won't go anywhere

i am poly, and i see people who have primaries, and these are real relationships that definitely go somewhere. Intimacy is as intense as it is in any relationship. Committment is just as real.

theoddz
12-25-2010, 08:39 AM
Wheelie, I don't think I can really add anything much to what's already been offered here by so many others. I do want to say one thing to reinforce my idea on this situation.

There used to be a dyke bar in Jacksonville, FL, that was owned and run by a very wise older Butch named "Jo". She had owned that bar for many,many years and she packed a .38 Special in the back waistband of her jeans. Jo always knew as much about what was going on out in the parking lot as she did about what was going on inside the bar.

Over the cash register was a sign that said, "A wise monkey never monkies with another monkey's monkey". I've never forgotten that in all these years. Jo died so many years ago and that bar no longer stands, but that little sign of hers contained some of the best advice that anyone has ever given me. Good luck and think carefully before making a potentially disastrous decision. People have gotten shot over things like this.

Theo :bouquet:

SouthernStud
12-25-2010, 09:01 AM
Been there, done that...am currently in same situation with my "gf" but she claims to only still be with her daughters father for their daughter...that im the ine shes in love with. HOWEVER...im her best kept secret short of the few trusted friends we share. Im hidden from her family, HER friends, her coworkers...and even the one that does know about us,she denies that we have been together the past 4months..soon to be 5months. She " is waiting for the appropriate time" to end the 11yr relationship with her daughters father. They are NOT married. In fact hes never even asked her to marry him in 11yrs. The question is...Will there ever be an appropriate time for her to leave? My thought is no cuz theres never a "good" time to break up,unless its an abusive relationship. I no longer consider it a relationship between us cuz of the fact she still sleeps with him on the occassion she cant avoid it any longer and he raises hell cuz she wont. Im her first..yes i flipped her real quick! Be careful with ur heart...like me,it may not end the way we want things to be. I can fully sympathize and empathize with u here. I know exactly what ur going through!!! Do what u feel is best...no matter how hard it may be...i will be making the same step very soon! Much love to ya

Billy
12-25-2010, 09:08 AM
Would you like this to be done to you ....
It doesn't matter if he tell his mom or anyone else , it's wrong and it's cheating , very simple :) But your a big girl and you make your own choices , I think you are setting yourself up for a heart break , just sayin

Kobi
12-25-2010, 09:44 AM
Kobi is thinking of buying everyone a copy of the book
(not the movie) He's Just Not That Into You.

The premise is simple, if someone is into you, they
will show it with their actions - not their words.

If you are not sure, if you have to rationalize behavior,
if you have to make excuses, they are not that into you.

The question is, do you want to waste time, energy, and emotion
on someone who is conflicted, ambivalent, and unavailable, OR
do you want to focus your energy, time, and emotions into
finding the one who IS into you and who IS available?

Arwen
12-25-2010, 10:05 AM
What he does with someone else, he will do with you. I don't share at all so I wouldn't be near this situation. I say respect yourself and walk away.

I've done some things where I co-opted my own sense of self-respect. Told myself it didn't matter. Well, years later, it still matters.

You are better than someone's second thought, Wheelie. You deserve more than being the one who waits. You deserve all of his attention or he deserves none of yours.

It's hard when you love someone, but you need to love you more. Hugs.

Bottom line for me? It's better to be alone than to be forgotten.

Sachita
12-25-2010, 10:21 AM
Betrayal is an awful thing. The love of my life, or so I thought betrayed me cheating and it deeply wounded me. Today you gotta jump through major hoops to get and keep my attention. I don't care how hot or horny someone makes me if they are unable to give me complete devotion, only have eyes for me, treat me like I'm the only girl then I won't be interested. I have standards and these standards won't allow what he's doing to you. Someone else might be more open- after all you don't really have a commitment and it seems to some degree you're both encumbered but as with almost any relationship someone invests faster and deeper.

I had a situation not long ago where someone caught my interest. They were recently single after a long relationship. I decided to investigate but take it really slow. There was a part of me that wanted to leap and to be honest my lust motor was full throttle. lol But there was no way in hell I was going to get hung up in drama nor settle for less then what I deserve. Soon into the exchange I learn that although broken up there's still an ex lingering in the background AND I then hear a confession that the EX ended it because HY cheated. Hy completed admitted it and said it was a mistake.

BYE BYE BABY GOODBYE - deal breaker

I don't hang with liars and cheaters even friends. I damn sure wouldn't commit to them or fuck them.

Sachita
12-25-2010, 10:25 AM
i am poly, and i see people who have primaries, and these are real relationships that definitely go somewhere. Intimacy is as intense as it is in any relationship. Committment is just as real.

I think that people that are poly are perhaps more committed in a sense. Looking at boundaries and good communication is essential. It is in any relationship but I've noticed that poly people really "get it".

I would be poly for sure if I didn't need to be the center of the universe! lol I couldnt share because its all about ME! Try as I may that always takes over any analytical thinking. lol

Arwen
12-25-2010, 11:08 AM
Wowwow. Are you still taking your meds?:confused: I am a self-imposed, egoless, celibate, who could care less who is cheating on me and with whom, because there is nothing I need from anyone. I have primary and secondary co-dependents and am able to care for both without all this drama. In fact, I'd take on a few more if I knew they could handle me lol.

Was this meant to be rude by asking if Wheelie Strong was taking his meds? I'm asking because I found it rude, but perhaps there is underlying information that I don't have.Or are you the BF?

Confused.

Glenn
12-25-2010, 11:20 AM
I deleted my post because I knew it was rude. I'm sorry Wheelie and folks.

Was this meant to be rude by asking if Wheelie Strong was taking his meds? I'm asking because I found it rude, but perhaps there is underlying information that I don't have.Or are you the BF?

Confused.

Arwen
12-25-2010, 11:28 AM
I deleted my post because I knew it was rude. I'm sorry Wheelie and folks.

Thank you. I know we all fly off the handle sometimes. I've had my fair share of them.

adorable
12-27-2010, 04:44 AM
OMG OMG!!!!!

Emotional unavailabilty is my FAVORITE thing in the whole world. It MUST be!!!!! No matter what I do, in a room full of 10,000 emotionally available people and ONE, just ONE person with either another relationship going, unresolved mama issues or just a general inability to connect in a meaningful human level - I won't just want to date them - I will want to MARRY THEM!

Why? This is a question I have asked myself over and over and over...It's kind of like eating Big Mac's. Sure they're bad for you, but they are oh so tasty!!! And just one nibble isn't going to hurt! Except that it does. And in relationships with unavailable people, it hurts a lot.

One of the things that I realized about me was that, in chosing people who weren't available, I saved myself from having to truly connect or commit at a meaningful level. Instead I could stay in that "Oh, I will get them to love me!" phase for eternity. A sick part of me enjoys that game.

So there are some relationships that I have learned to stop before they start. Right off the bat, because I have been down these roads before and they are some of the easier red flags to spot...if they are currently involved in a relationship - if they are still hung up on a relationship that is supposed to be over - if they have a history of cheating or abuse - if they have ever been to prison - if they are currently using any form of cocaine - if they are prescribed psychiatric medication and don't take it....
(I ask the questions and listen to the answers. I don't pretend that I am the exception anymore.) I just won't go there now. I have been there, didn't like it and have no desire to return. Life is too short.

JustJo
12-27-2010, 01:14 PM
So there are some relationships that I have learned to stop before they start. Right off the bat, because I have been down these roads before and they are some of the easier red flags to spot...if they are currently involved in a relationship - if they are still hung up on a relationship that is supposed to be over - if they have a history of cheating or abuse - if they have ever been to prison - if they are currently using any form of cocaine - if they are prescribed psychiatric medication and don't take it....
(I ask the questions and listen to the answers. I don't pretend that I am the exception anymore.) I just won't go there now. I have been there, didn't like it and have no desire to return. Life is too short.

I don't completely agree with your entire list as I've known people who have been to prison and are relationship-worthy...a lot depends on the charge, the reason, their background and what they did there and after....

However, I'd add to it also. My biggest red flag? Those for whom everything is about them, who only ever consider their own feelings or needs, or who have an excuse (or someone else to blame) for everything that has ever gone wrong in their life.

Those scream "narcissist" to me...and I run like hell.

WheelieStrong
01-07-2011, 03:01 AM
i'm sorry i'm in a bit of a state right now i'm guilty of not reading all your posts on this subject.

Being with my ex is not an option and is not something i would want, i just wouldn't have chosen for her to be my ex or to still live here and i definately never wanted her to be my care staff.

in regards to the man i'm seeing, i seem to have made the dicision for him!

He stayed over last week and i was determind to be happy no matter what, but at one point we went into a card shop and he said he had to buy a card for his boyfriend, i felt like i'd been gutted, and when i saw his choice of card after an eternity (minutes) of fighting back tears, my heart was complete ripped out, i managed to hold it together and i have no idea how, i had to go to the bathroom to prevent myself from crying in front of him and then i sat there and had coffee like all was fine with the world, he knew i wasn't fine, he even called me a liar (nicely) when he asked if i was ok and i said yes, but i figured he either aready knew what was wrong or there was no point going over it.

Last night in a text he gave me the impression the boyfriend is here to stay and that i could be around as long as i was ok with that, to which i said i wasn't, it makes me selfish i know but i am madly in love with this man, if being his friend was enough we wouldn't have an issue.

He said if i told him i never wanted to see or hear from him again, i should tell him and he will leave me alone.
God i'm fighting back tears even writing this..
i asked him not to make me say it, but that i would if i had to, he said he needed to know what was going on, so i told him i never want to see or hear from him again!

Now i just wish the world would swallow me whole, it's a complete and utter lie and he knows it.
But he deserves a better life and i just can't be second best any more.

He wants to be my friend but i'm guessing if i'm strong and stay away that will be so much better for everyone.

i just wish i didn't feel so selfish for doing what i think is the right thing.

The_Lady_Snow
01-07-2011, 06:39 AM
I think you got your answer Wheelie from the horses mouth.. He don't want you like he wants his boy. He made it clear, at this point you should just brush it off, bounce and find someone who is into you. Good luck and stop letting this tool treat you like shit.!!!

always2late
01-07-2011, 07:46 AM
Wheelie, I am going to try not to be too harsh...because I know your feelings are very raw right now. But the fact is, love cannot exist in a vacuum. It cannot be the property of just ONE person in a relationship. And this man did not, and does not, love you. Otherwise he could not treat you so callously, and with so little respect.

You did the right thing. He is unhealthy for you, and it's a toxic relationship. Be strong...it will get better. And realize that you deserve more.

Quintease
06-19-2011, 05:06 AM
in regards to the man i'm seeing, i seem to have made the dicision for him!

He stayed over last week and i was determind to be happy no matter what, but at one point we went into a card shop and he said he had to buy a card for his boyfriend, i felt like i'd been gutted, and when i saw his choice of card after an eternity (minutes) of fighting back tears, my heart was complete ripped out, i managed to hold it together and i have no idea how, i had to go to the bathroom to prevent myself from crying in front of him and then i sat there and had coffee like all was fine with the world, he knew i wasn't fine, he even called me a liar (nicely) when he asked if i was ok and i said yes, but i figured he either aready knew what was wrong or there was no point going over it.

Last night in a text he gave me the impression the boyfriend is here to stay and that i could be around as long as i was ok with that, to which i said i wasn't, it makes me selfish i know but i am madly in love with this man, if being his friend was enough we wouldn't have an issue.

He said if i told him i never wanted to see or hear from him again, i should tell him and he will leave me alone.
God i'm fighting back tears even writing this..
i asked him not to make me say it, but that i would if i had to, he said he needed to know what was going on, so i told him i never want to see or hear from him again!

Now i just wish the world would swallow me whole, it's a complete and utter lie and he knows it.
But he deserves a better life and i just can't be second best any more.

He wants to be my friend but i'm guessing if i'm strong and stay away that will be so much better for everyone.

i just wish i didn't feel so selfish for doing what i think is the right thing.

You wanted him to break up with his boyfriend? *shakes head*

I used to be that person, in a relationship, madly in love with my girlfriend and dating other people. To be honest, had any of them asked me to break up with my girlfriend, I would have said no, I would have given them the option to walk away, and I probably would have lost a bit of respect for them.

He's in a relationship. Regardless of your feelings, if you can't accept that then it really is best if you walk away. Anything else would be cheating. His boyfriend is clearly trusting him to not run off with someone else, or let another person come between them, and if he's a decent chap he will honour that trust.

I hope one day the two of you can be friends again.

WheelieStrong
08-02-2013, 08:44 PM
You wanted him to break up with his boyfriend? *shakes head*


Hi hi hi wow so much time has passed since this part of my life.

It was never really a case of me wanting him to leave his boyfriend, certainly not so he could be with me (i mean yes picking me would have been preferred) but he was so indecisive, there was always that, i don't know who i want to be with situation with him, as with many people in this situation, even if he had left his boyfriend there was no guarantee he wouldn't have left me at the same time too.

The relationship i had with him never technically ended, we never broke it off or fell out, he just moved in with his boyfriend which made it impossible to go on as he had been.
Of course i was hurt but i think just loosing touch was maybe easier than being kicked to the curb.

He did completely disappear for a while but is in my life today and i still adore him, his life is VERY different now so physically spending time with him isn't really an option but we are not complete strangers anymore.

The only hurt i felt really is that his relationship with his boyfriend broke down and i don't remember if it was shortly after they split or shortly before, he told me he made the wrong choice and he must have picked me, that really hurt me, i hope someone here understands why.

i found love since then and lost it but i am still alive and i think i am a much stronger person than the person who started this thread.

i found someone i actually really really like so i hope there is a way to work it out :D
If not i just pull my socks up and hold my head high, i'm definitely nowhere near as fragile as i have been, at least not right now :D