Dating "non single" people

WheelieStrong · 12-22-2010, 10:50 AM

Ok so the guy i'm so very in love with is not single, but he sees his bf regularly, does not live with him..

My Head says run an don't stop running.
My Heart says i don't care, i love him, this is definitely love and the rest will work itself out.

i chat to his mum regularly too so he's not hiding me or anything.

But my reason for this post isn't him, it's me (mostly)..

i really am in love (yes i'm a fool!) we talk every night, text all day, (and not just about sex lol) and he's coming over to spend new year with me, so even with the few issues i have, i am not debating my current relationship.

However..

I "always" (like 90% of the time) want or fall for people i can't have, can't physically be with or are "non single"

i already worry a lot about quite litterally everything i can seem to find anything to worry about, so i keep trying not to worry about this.

i know this makes me a bad guy, but what's going on???

My first ever relationship was with a married woman but to be fair to myself, i do need to say, she let me beleive she was free and single, let me fall for her then told me she was married with two kiddies.. Talk about starting as you mean to go on.

Peach · 12-23-2010, 06:16 PM

A relationship that starts in cheating, ends in cheating, at least thats how *I* feel. If this guys other partner knows about you, and is ok with you seeing each other, fine. But if they DONT know then respect the relationship and stay out of it.

princessbelle · 12-23-2010, 06:36 PM

I sure am not an expert by any means. But, you post asking for advice/opinions so here is mine:

Follow your head. Sounds like real committment (an observation, not a judgement) is maybe an issue by wanting someone you can't have. That may be what YOU want and need. But, what about them and what you are doing to their lives/lovers?

Stay clear, don't pass go, don't keep stirring the pot......for everyone's sake.
It smells "trouble".

Perhaps, one day, a relationship will come along that is free and clear and open and honest for EVERYONE involved. You may be ready at that point. Then, in my humble opinion, call it "love".

Just my .2.

Good luck to you.

atomiczombie · 12-23-2010, 07:44 PM

It seems pretty dysfunctional to date/fall in love with people who are committed to someone else. Maybe it's you who aren't available, and you just want something without any real chance of a relationship, have you thought of that? If so, then just date poly people who have primaries, or just date single people with the understanding that it won't go anywhere. Doing what you are doing now is just asking for a shit load of drama. Drop him. That's my .02

Soft*Silver · 12-23-2010, 07:54 PM

I have been the woman at home, waiting for her man to leave his mistress.

it sucks. Its the worst imaginable pain. And I still bear emotional scars from it.

I am not emotionally available because of this so I am staying out of relationships. I would rather be alone on my own than lonely in a bad relationship, and I wont do to some other person what was done to me. I wont take someone else's partner.

take what you want from my post. Or take nothing. You are the only one who will determine if you will hear wisdom or act on your own design...

Blade · 12-23-2010, 09:55 PM

I heard that! Great observation and great advice!

Quote:

Originally Posted by guest

A relationship that starts in cheating, ends in cheating, at least thats how *I* feel. If this guys other partner knows about you, and is ok with you seeing each other, fine. But if they DONT know then respect the relationship and stay out of it.

DomnNC · 12-24-2010, 01:59 AM

If all parties involved know of each other then so be it, but if they don't, shame for shame.

Put the shoes on your feet, would you want someone sneaking around behind your back with your boyfriend?

Lastly, it appears you are protecting yourself, ie, what are you so afraid of that you can't go out and cultivate your own relationship with someone who is single? What are you afraid of? Perhaps a little therapy would be in order to figure that out. That would be time more wisely spent than interfering in an established relationship. Just my thoughts.

WheelieStrong · 12-24-2010, 09:58 AM

hi, thank you for all your replies, i beleive every single one of you have made good points!

I guess my ex has a lot to do with this too.. We still live together (she is also my paid care staff) although we haven't been a couple for many years, some friends beleive she is the reason i seem to attract or be attracted to non single folk, one example i was given is, my friend beleived if i went for a non single person, they couldn't (apparently) expect me to change my living situation etc.

i know for sure my ex is the reason i posted here instead of talking to an in the flesh person.. i know for sure that even though she likes the chap i am seeing, she is so obviously jealous (which i don't understand).. i don't want to talk to her about this, which normally i would cause all my friends are online..

But that would be rubbing her nose in the situation, right?

And i worry about telling her anything less than flattering about my situation as she already has the power to make my life a living hell!!!

i don't want her to have anything to use against this chap!

i am trying to get therapy, just waiting to hear back from the relivent people

Deborah · 12-24-2010, 10:10 AM

You obviously realize this isnt acceptable or attractive behavior or you wouldnt have posted....if you are unable to afford therapy or want to try another route...look into Codependents Anonymous, free meetings and can go or do online just about anytime...there may be some self esteem issues or other things that cause you to choose these types of relationships....just a sugestion

citybutch · 12-24-2010, 10:14 AM

I think you just answered your own question.

Quote:

Originally Posted by WheelieStrong

hi, thank you for all your replies, i beleive every single one of you have made good points!

I guess my ex has a lot to do with this too.. We still live together (she is also my paid care staff) although we haven't been a couple for many years, some friends beleive she is the reason i seem to attract or be attracted to non single folk, one example i was given is, my friend beleived if i went for a non single person, they couldn't (apparently) expect me to change my living situation etc.

i know for sure my ex is the reason i posted here instead of talking to an in the flesh person.. i know for sure that even though she likes the chap i am seeing, she is so obviously jealous (which i don't understand).. i don't want to talk to her about this, which normally i would cause all my friends are online..

But that would be rubbing her nose in the situation, right?

And i worry about telling her anything less than flattering about my situation as she already has the power to make my life a living hell!!!

i don't want her to have anything to use against this chap!

i am trying to get therapy, just waiting to hear back from the relivent people

Sachita · 12-24-2010, 11:27 AM

I'm pretty open-minded and monogamy doesnt work for some people. Deception is a whole other matter and in situations where it is present it brews the worse krama of all. Someone is going to get hurt bad. As citybutch said, "you answered your own question." In my experience ex's complicate things but it sounds like its complicated enough without that.

If a person cheats they will do it again imo

Ebon · 12-24-2010, 11:31 AM

If he's cheating with you emotionally or physically and you guys get together he's going to do the same thing to you. You will become her. I know you probably won't listen but you should stay away. What begins in chaos ends in chaos. I feel bad for his girl that is just not cool.

Daywalker · 12-24-2010, 12:20 PM

Funny, you know yourself so well...yet you don't.

Ever watched TV shows where someone sticks their hand in a Gators mouth?

And you think, why would they do that?
Then, they get bit.

The next week, there they are sticking their
hand in the Gators mouth again.

And you say to yourself...why in thee hell are they
still doing that when they know they gonna get bit?

Marinate on that one for a while.

Oh, and Merry Groovy Holidays.

The_Lady_Snow · 12-24-2010, 12:36 PM

Happy Holidays!

Good luck figuring out if you want to be cheating, a cheater or whatever happens as long as you can look in the mirror at yourself and be ok then I say go for it. It's all shady from this standpoint, but in reality you are going to do what you want and where your desires and lusts take you. In the end it's about being able to look in that mirror and say, I live right, I can walk with my head held proud and I sleep well at night.

Invictus · 12-24-2010, 01:21 PM

To put my humble opinion on your situation briefly...
Are you out of your mind?

To expand upon my thoughts further...

First, your "ex" is your caregiver. The line between personal and professional relationship seems to be only one of the issues involved. An "ex" as an employee is never comfortable for anyone.

Second...thats what you are, second in someone's life. If you are willing to settle for 2nd place so be it. Remember though, that 2nd place is 1st loser.

WheelieStrong · 12-24-2010, 01:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

In the end it's about being able to look in that mirror and say, I live right, I can walk with my head held proud and I sleep well at night.

Not to sound all dramatic or anything, i mean this from within my heart..
i don't remember ever being proud to be me, and sleeping at night is a major issue.

i just worry i'm never going to be a good person, no matter what!

WheelieStrong · 12-24-2010, 01:34 PM

June, i'm not going to be upset with others for their oppinnions, i asked for them, you take the rough with the smooth.

But that's exactly why this is good place to ask about stuff more veiws/oppinnions and less chance of direct bias (i hope)

Thank you

WheelieStrong · 12-24-2010, 01:37 PM

Invictus i aggree with every word, she is not my ex because i want it that way, nor is she my care because i want it.

idealy i'd like someone for myself, and for me to be theirs but it just never happenned.

The_Lady_Snow · 12-24-2010, 01:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WheelieStrong

Not to sound all dramatic or anything, i mean this from within my heart..
i don't remember ever being proud to be me, and sleeping at night is a major issue.

i just worry i'm never going to be a good person, no matter what!

If it doesn't bother you then keep doing what you are doing, we can only hope for the best for you. Sincerely good luck on whatever you choose.

Bella~Vita · 12-24-2010, 02:09 PM

Love is within ones self, begin there and stay true to yourself. It seems you already know this situation is not healthy. I wish you happiness and love in your life. Perhaps then you will find what you want . Good luck !

12-22-2010, 10:50 AM	#1
WheelieStrong Junior Member How Do You Identify?: transman on Wheels Preferred Pronoun?: his, him, he, bitch, MINE lol Relationship Status: Hopeful, longing aching for her touch Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Stafford England Posts: 97 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 264 Thanked 142 Times in 57 Posts Rep Power: 57545	Dating "non single" people Ok so the guy i'm so very in love with is not single, but he sees his bf regularly, does not live with him.. My Head says run an don't stop running. My Heart says i don't care, i love him, this is definitely love and the rest will work itself out. i chat to his mum regularly too so he's not hiding me or anything. But my reason for this post isn't him, it's me (mostly).. i really am in love (yes i'm a fool!) we talk every night, text all day, (and not just about sex lol) and he's coming over to spend new year with me, so even with the few issues i have, i am not debating my current relationship. However.. I "always" (like 90% of the time) want or fall for people i can't have, can't physically be with or are "non single" i already worry a lot about quite litterally everything i can seem to find anything to worry about, so i keep trying not to worry about this. i know this makes me a bad guy, but what's going on??? My first ever relationship was with a married woman but to be fair to myself, i do need to say, she let me beleive she was free and single, let me fall for her then told me she was married with two kiddies.. Talk about starting as you mean to go on.

12-23-2010, 06:36 PM	#3
princessbelle Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: femme ones Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Tennessee Posts: 6,100 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 29,380 Thanked 30,503 Times in 5,201 Posts Rep Power: 21474857	I sure am not an expert by any means. But, you post asking for advice/opinions so here is mine: Follow your head. Sounds like real committment (an observation, not a judgement) is maybe an issue by wanting someone you can't have. That may be what YOU want and need. But, what about them and what you are doing to their lives/lovers? Stay clear, don't pass go, don't keep stirring the pot......for everyone's sake. It smells "trouble". Perhaps, one day, a relationship will come along that is free and clear and open and honest for EVERYONE involved. You may be ready at that point. Then, in my humble opinion, call it "love". Just my .2. Good luck to you. __________________ ~ I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. ~ Maya Angelou

12-23-2010, 07:44 PM	#4
atomiczombie Member How Do You Identify?: Femmesensual Transguy Preferred Pronoun?: He, Him, His Relationship Status: Dating Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Rio Vista, CA Posts: 1,225 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,949 Thanked 3,221 Times in 757 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	It seems pretty dysfunctional to date/fall in love with people who are committed to someone else. Maybe it's you who aren't available, and you just want something without any real chance of a relationship, have you thought of that? If so, then just date poly people who have primaries, or just date single people with the understanding that it won't go anywhere. Doing what you are doing now is just asking for a shit load of drama. Drop him. That's my .02 __________________ http://i277.photobucket.com/albums/k...orums_2000.gif Russian Unicorn http://occupiedmedia.us/

12-23-2010, 07:54 PM	#5
SoftSilver Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: rose cottage Posts: 5,502 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 8,425 Thanked 15,619 Times in 3,976 Posts Rep Power*: 21474856	I have been the woman at home, waiting for her man to leave his mistress. it sucks. Its the worst imaginable pain. And I still bear emotional scars from it. I am not emotionally available because of this so I am staying out of relationships. I would rather be alone on my own than lonely in a bad relationship, and I wont do to some other person what was done to me. I wont take someone else's partner. take what you want from my post. Or take nothing. You are the only one who will determine if you will hear wisdom or act on your own design... __________________ Pole bachit, a lis chuye. The field sees, the forest hears

12-24-2010, 10:10 AM	#9
Deborah Member How Do You Identify?: queer femme Preferred Pronoun?: Babydoll is a start.... Relationship Status: Mrs. Livingston 4/20/2013 Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Nashville where my heart belongs... Posts: 611 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,451 Thanked 1,454 Times in 276 Posts Rep Power: 14676214	You obviously realize this isnt acceptable or attractive behavior or you wouldnt have posted....if you are unable to afford therapy or want to try another route...look into Codependents Anonymous, free meetings and can go or do online just about anytime...there may be some self esteem issues or other things that cause you to choose these types of relationships....just a sugestion __________________ "Slow to trust but I'm quick to love, I push too hard and I give too much, I aint saying I'm perfect, but I promise I'm worth it" "The Good Within Me Honors The Good Within You"

12-23-2010, 06:16 PM	#2
Peach Member How Do You Identify?: femme Relationship Status: happily married Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: where my hat is Posts: 173 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 69 Thanked 641 Times in 129 Posts Rep Power: 5775546	A relationship that starts in cheating, ends in cheating, at least thats how I feel. If this guys other partner knows about you, and is ok with you seeing each other, fine. But if they DONT know then respect the relationship and stay out of it.

12-24-2010, 01:59 AM	#7
DomnNC Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Male Preferred Pronoun?: He/Him Relationship Status: Widow Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: Permanently Banned 11/15/2011 Posts: 1,223 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,618 Thanked 2,582 Times in 837 Posts Rep Power: 0	If all parties involved know of each other then so be it, but if they don't, shame for shame. Put the shoes on your feet, would you want someone sneaking around behind your back with your boyfriend? Lastly, it appears you are protecting yourself, ie, what are you so afraid of that you can't go out and cultivate your own relationship with someone who is single? What are you afraid of? Perhaps a little therapy would be in order to figure that out. That would be time more wisely spent than interfering in an established relationship. Just my thoughts.

12-24-2010, 09:58 AM	#8
WheelieStrong Junior Member How Do You Identify?: transman on Wheels Preferred Pronoun?: his, him, he, bitch, MINE lol Relationship Status: Hopeful, longing aching for her touch Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Stafford England Posts: 97 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 264 Thanked 142 Times in 57 Posts Rep Power: 57545	hi, thank you for all your replies, i beleive every single one of you have made good points! I guess my ex has a lot to do with this too.. We still live together (she is also my paid care staff) although we haven't been a couple for many years, some friends beleive she is the reason i seem to attract or be attracted to non single folk, one example i was given is, my friend beleived if i went for a non single person, they couldn't (apparently) expect me to change my living situation etc. i know for sure my ex is the reason i posted here instead of talking to an in the flesh person.. i know for sure that even though she likes the chap i am seeing, she is so obviously jealous (which i don't understand).. i don't want to talk to her about this, which normally i would cause all my friends are online.. But that would be rubbing her nose in the situation, right? And i worry about telling her anything less than flattering about my situation as she already has the power to make my life a living hell!!! i don't want her to have anything to use against this chap! i am trying to get therapy, just waiting to hear back from the relivent people

12-24-2010, 11:27 AM	#11
Sachita Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Alpha Femme Preferred Pronoun?: Goddess Relationship Status: Completely in love Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Southern Virginia Posts: 3,225 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,564 Thanked 8,994 Times in 2,249 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	I'm pretty open-minded and monogamy doesnt work for some people. Deception is a whole other matter and in situations where it is present it brews the worse krama of all. Someone is going to get hurt bad. As citybutch said, "you answered your own question." In my experience ex's complicate things but it sounds like its complicated enough without that. If a person cheats they will do it again imo __________________ You either like me or you don't. It took me Twenty-something years to learn how to love myself, I don't have that kinda time to convince somebody else. ~ Daniel Franzese

12-24-2010, 11:31 AM	#12
Ebon Senior Member How Do You Identify?: With my souls eyes. Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: lol Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Here Posts: 3,476 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 10,524 Thanked 11,145 Times in 2,755 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	If he's cheating with you emotionally or physically and you guys get together he's going to do the same thing to you. You will become her. I know you probably won't listen but you should stay away. What begins in chaos ends in chaos. I feel bad for his girl that is just not cool. __________________ In Lak'ech Ala K'in I'm a Soul Rebel http://wannabereverend.wordpress.com/ Spirituality is not a belief system or ideology, it is the surrender of one's ego to the infinite wisdom and knowledge that is the universe.

12-24-2010, 12:20 PM	#13
Daywalker Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Hippy Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: * Posts: 3,750 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 6,499 Thanked 11,917 Times in 2,700 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	Funny, you know yourself so well...yet you don't. Ever watched TV shows where someone sticks their hand in a Gators mouth? And you think, why would they do that? Then, they get bit. The next week, there they are sticking their hand in the Gators mouth again. *And you say to yourself...why in thee* hell are they still doing that when they know they gonna get bit? Marinate on that one for a while. Oh, and Merry Groovy Holidays.** __________________ www.SirDaywalker.com

12-24-2010, 12:36 PM	#14
The_Lady_Snow MILLION $$$ PUSSY How Do You Identify?: Kinky, Raw, Perverted, Uber Queer Alpha Femme Preferred Pronoun?: Iconic Ms. Relationship Status: Keeper of 3, only one has the map to my freckles Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: La Reina del Sur Posts: 22,488 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 32,231 Thanked 80,119 Times in 15,678 Posts Rep Power: 21474873	Happy Holidays! Good luck figuring out if you want to be cheating, a cheater or whatever happens as long as you can look in the mirror at yourself and be ok then I say go for it. It's all shady from this standpoint, but in reality you are going to do what you want and where your desires and lusts take you. In the end it's about being able to look in that mirror and say, I live right, I can walk with my head held proud and I sleep well at night. __________________ "If you’re going to play these dirty games of ours, then you might as well indulge completely. It’s all about turning back into an animal and that’s the beauty of it. Place your guilt on the sidewalk and take a blow torch to it (guilt is usually worthless anyway). Be perverted, be filthy, do things that mannered people shouldn’t do. If you’re going to be gross then go for it and don’t wimp out."---Master Aiden

12-24-2010, 01:21 PM	#15
Invictus Member How Do You Identify?: Stone Butch Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Las Vegas Posts: 298 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 140 Thanked 344 Times in 165 Posts Rep Power: 1681234	To put my humble opinion on your situation briefly... Are you out of your mind? To expand upon my thoughts further... First, your "ex" is your caregiver. The line between personal and professional relationship seems to be only one of the issues involved. An "ex" as an employee is never comfortable for anyone. Second...thats what you are, second in someone's life. If you are willing to settle for 2nd place so be it. Remember though, that 2nd place is 1st loser.

12-24-2010, 01:34 PM	#17
WheelieStrong Junior Member How Do You Identify?: transman on Wheels Preferred Pronoun?: his, him, he, bitch, MINE lol Relationship Status: Hopeful, longing aching for her touch Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Stafford England Posts: 97 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 264 Thanked 142 Times in 57 Posts Rep Power: 57545	June, i'm not going to be upset with others for their oppinnions, i asked for them, you take the rough with the smooth. But that's exactly why this is good place to ask about stuff more veiws/oppinnions and less chance of direct bias (i hope) Thank you

12-24-2010, 01:37 PM	#18
WheelieStrong Junior Member How Do You Identify?: transman on Wheels Preferred Pronoun?: his, him, he, bitch, MINE lol Relationship Status: Hopeful, longing aching for her touch Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Stafford England Posts: 97 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 264 Thanked 142 Times in 57 Posts Rep Power: 57545	Invictus i aggree with every word, she is not my ex because i want it that way, nor is she my care because i want it. idealy i'd like someone for myself, and for me to be theirs but it just never happenned.

12-24-2010, 02:09 PM	#20
Bella~Vita Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: where salt is used for Margaritas not Snow Posts: 891 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,049 Thanked 1,322 Times in 443 Posts Rep Power: 7157595	Love is within ones self, begin there and stay true to yourself. It seems you already know this situation is not healthy. I wish you happiness and love in your life. Perhaps then you will find what you want . Good luck !