Rethinking our partner wishlists. Is it "settling" or adjusting to reality? [Archive]

Kobi

05-01-2011, 07:03 PM

Galahad

05-01-2011, 07:11 PM

"Pleasant, consistant, mutually satisfying, supportive companionship." That was my list.

pajama

05-01-2011, 07:32 PM

If you have a wishlist for a partner/companion is it an ideal list or a
guide of sorts?

I've never really thought of it as a list. It actually is more a list in my head of the things I know I don't like or I am not compatible with. Some are hard limits because of childhood issues, others are beliefs I have developed over the years that I prefer others to share. I really am open to all kinds of people so I don't have requirements for what I want you TO be, just what I DON'T want to be with.

Have you revised your list to increase your chances for finding an
appropriate partner/companion as you have matured in age?

I would say, as i've aged, I have increased my "list" and become much more picky. But I'm very okay with being alone. I would rather be alone than settle or have to change myself into something I really am not. I ended my 5 year marriage to a wonderful lady, because I realized there was more to me than the one type of partner I was to her and that eventually I would grow to begrudge her. We are fabulous friends now. When we broke up part of the conversation went something like this: Her "You're going to regret letting me go." Me "Yes, I'm sure you're right. The question is going to be will I regret it more or less than i would regret not being true to myself."

Do you feel like you are settling if you deviate from your list?

Absolutely! So I don't deviate.

If you find someone who's company you enjoy, and who treats you well,
but doesnt measure up to your preferred standards in some way,
can you set your list aside and just enjoy the company? Or, do you
find yourself holding back in case a more suitable suitor comes along?

I can enjoy the company. I cannot look upon them as a long-term partner. They might be a good friend. Or interim lover. But certain qualities on the "list" are not up for discussion. I always let folks know what those things are too. It may be in subtle discussions, (meaning I don't sit them down specifically and say "Here are the requirements I have of you...", but more like "Oh yeah, I can't stand people that are so-and-so.") but they have all been made aware at some point or another what I choose not to tolerate.

Is there a point, age wise, when you can see yourself letting go of
the need for bells, whistles, and fireworks in exchange for pleasant,
consistent, mutually satisfying, supportive companionship?

Honestly, for me, No. I see myself becoming more and more of a recluse as I age. And that's perfectly fine with me.

Now, with all this said. There are always minor things that I am willing to compromise on. Bend or maintain an open mind about. But I learned long ago, I DO NOT want to try to change anyone. If we are not compatible, then I am okay with going our seperate ways. I will not ask you to change to meet my requirements. That never ends up working out well. I learned that years ago. LOL

A

bigbutchmistie

05-01-2011, 07:37 PM

At 35 in a couple of weeks I've never been in a long Iterm relationship lasting years. I think its partly due for the most part about my having social anxiety and not getting out and meeting people. But in any event I've noticed over the years my list has changed. It's gone from she must look like this and make z amount of money to will she make me laugh would I feel safe around her can I trust her without reservation. If I lost everything would she still love me and be my.cheerleader. I guess the older I get the.less picky I am. Now I don't expect someone to be anything than I'm not.

There is a huge difference in my list that I looked for in my 20's than what I seek in my mid thirties. But for me I have a basic list now and those are things for me that are not negotiab. So for me settling is not an option.

Yes I get lonely and sometimes ache so bad inside to be with someone. But the RIGHT person for me will only do. Settling is never right for both parties involved. Just my .02

I

Julie

05-01-2011, 07:46 PM

This is a no-brainer for me.
I am fickle and a flake.
A list is only as good as the paper it is one... and all paper is disposable.
Serious...
Who honestly makes a list?
Do people really make lists?

My one point on my list would say...
Must be flexible to my whims and my mind changes.
Believe ME when I tell you these little things.

Simple.
My list would say - Must be someone who believes my words as gospel.

Maybe I need a real list - or perhaps, I could help people write their lists.

Thanks Kobi - now I need to think about this (all night long).

sweetfemme247

05-01-2011, 07:54 PM

As I get older I have realized that I cant change anyone, and that I should not try to. I have made some mistakes in my past when it comes to dating, at the time I knew what I wanted and then things changed, things in my life happen and my needs had shifted to something else. Right now If I could have the perfect person they would be, supportive in everything I do, always stand up for me even if I am wrong and then of course tell me I was wrong when we are alone so I dont feel like a idiot. Accept the fact that I am not into parties, drinking, smoking or any of that sort of crowd. Respect and communication is my number 1 thing that I must have.

Blade

05-01-2011, 07:57 PM

Is there a point, age wise, when you can see yourself letting go of
the need for bells, whistles, and fireworks in exchange for pleasant,
consistent, mutually satisfying, supportive companionship?

Great topic Kobi! I'll have to think on the rest of the questions but the answer to this last one is....If there is an age I haven't reached it yet. I'm sure there is an age, but I have no idea what age it is or is close to.

BullDog

05-01-2011, 08:12 PM

bigbutchmistie

05-01-2011, 08:17 PM

Rockinonahigh

05-01-2011, 08:39 PM

Good Question...To anser this perplexing statement.As I have gotten older I realise that nothing is cut in stone about who I may eventualy be with at some point,once I had a list a mile long wich after a while, I realised most were somethings I didnt like about anyone to date in respect to a long term relationship was bull shit cause nobody could possably measure up to the list.One thing I really needd to do was to fix things I didnt like about myself before I could expect anything form a prospective date.So as I took care of my issues things changed and do change as time goes on,but the core values do not..period! None of us can fit everrything but we can become more intune with ourselves to improve the chanches in meeting our future partner.

Ms. Tabitha

05-01-2011, 08:53 PM

I am not an ideal, so I don't expect anyone else to be either. I would never want to be with anyone where I thought I was settling for what I didn't want or what she didn't want.

I want to be with someone who is kind and honest. Sure there are some other things, but I don't have a big list that I want to measure someone against and I certainly do not want to try and change anyone from who they are. I would rather be pleasantly surprised. If I do ever get into a relationship again, I want her to be her own person as well as someone whom I share values with and who would be someone I could happily live with and be mutually passionate about each other as well as have our own interests.

I am fine with being single. I have no need to settle because I am fine on my own. I am not changing that unless the right person (not ideal person) comes into my life and we have time to explore the possibilities and potential of being together as a couple.

I'm not perfect in anyway, so who am I to have a list to compare someone to. I have always set boundaries within myself and when the time came and I met someone I knew a few of the top qualities they had to have were kindness, honesty and faithfulness. I did not want to have a list to compare them with and I also do not want anyone to change who they are. I want to see the real them. I want to see their values, morals and how they treat and respect the people close to them, as well as how they treat and respect themselves. Everyone makes mistakes and everyone has those, "not so proud" moments in their lives, its part of being human. Seeing how someone reacts to those "not so proud" moments is important to their character. I have my "me time" moments and I'm happy and very comfortable with that. I do not need someone to validate who I am or define me. Or in my saying, "Be up my arse"
I have been very blessed to have someone who not only has impeccable character, a loving heart and spirit that would not have even been compared to any kind of list that I could have imagined, if I had made one.
Neither one of us believe in settling. We choose to be together, we compliment each other, and most importantly, we respect each other and each others privacy.

Martina

05-01-2011, 09:15 PM

People can meet all the criteria on your list, and it still might not work. i actually try not to try too hard. i find that the relationships the universe plunks down in front of me tend to work out better than the ones i try to make happen, meaning if i am thinking a lot about it and out there looking, etc. Not that i don't think looking and knowing what you want aren't good. They are.

But i can't trust my addict's brain. i tend to look for people who aren't that great for me. The universe has better plans for me than i do, so i try to pay attention to that. i was talking about this this weekend with my Ma'am. i said something about a reason why i chose Her. She laughed and said that She crooked Her little finger and i came running, which is about right.

i was totally NOT planning a D/s relationship again for a LONG time. i remember thinking ungratefully at the time, "The universe is working WAY too hard to make me happy."

i don't know. i find that if one isn't fairly compatable, it won't work anyway. So why waste five years of your life figuring it out. There are wonderful compatable people out there for all of us. They key is being as open to the possibility as you can be or at least to take notice of the possibilities that come your way. i think there are many opportunities to be happy. It's just hard sometimes to choose happiness.

Silverseastar

05-01-2011, 09:41 PM

I don't make lists but I DO set intentions. Before I met Red Menace, on a forum I'm a part of, I had ironically stated what I wanted my relationship to feel like.

Stating intentions that are open ended is a healthy thing I think- I want fun, adventurous relationships with good clear communication etc...

Setting out firm wish lists only leads to looking for people with specifics and not for people with the important characteristics they have. I've seen so many folks use lists to basically avoid intimacy and true connection.

Lynn

05-01-2011, 09:57 PM

On the one hand, experience in and out of relationships over the years has helped me clarify what qualities I want in a partner. On the other hand, as I myself have become stronger, as an individual, the exact attributes (the "list") have become very flexible.

I don't need someone to make a certain amount of money--I make my own. I don't need someone to have the same religious beliefs or educational level. Who am I to impose that on anyone? I can respect their beliefs and background if they can respect mine. I have a certain appreciation for butch women, so that's still there. What has become most important, as I get older, is that the person with whom I'm spending most of my time be ethical, caring, kind, and have a great sense of humor.

I say I'd rather be alone than compromise, and I say that I'm enough, by myself. But, as I am in a relationship, it's hard for me to say that I am being entirely honest with myself. Were I single, I know for sure that I would be inclined to seek companionship because I love sharing life with someone. I haven't always made the best choices, but I hope I've gotten better. And, should I ever become single again, I hope I can be as self-assured and mature as I'd like.

DomnNC

05-01-2011, 10:01 PM

BEJh-aMMpJ0

But I have to say after having the best, I'll not settle when I know how it can be with the right person.

Goofy

05-01-2011, 10:17 PM

Somewhat jokingly, I told a friend, "she has to be shorter than me."

And she is. Except when she wears certain heels.

violaine

05-01-2011, 10:39 PM

[QUOTE=Kobi;331286]

Is there a point, age wise, when you can see yourself letting go of
the need for bells, whistles, and fireworks in exchange for pleasant,
consistent, mutually satisfying, supportive companionship?

i think the above four qualities would pretty much fall under the bells and whistles category in my mind; consistency is a rare bird. :bunchflowers:

blush

05-01-2011, 10:53 PM

I have a list. It has changed as I've changed. I don't consider it settling, but evolving. But one thing is still true for me: If you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything.

girl_dee

05-02-2011, 06:48 AM

my list has changed quite a bit.

At one time breathing and needy seemed to be what I gravitated to. I had to save people. After many years of ups and downs I put a list out to the Universe, with the advice to stop settling. And I did. I have met people who have made the list, but what I didn't include was a dealbreaker addendum. There are certain things I can't live with, no matter how hard I try, or how much I love them. Being alone is MUCH better than living with the hard limits being ignored.

I made a new and improved list and viola, here I am! I am with the ones who told me to stop settling years ago! (Thank you Syr and aurora!)

It is true, if you want different results, do things differently. Life is too short not to be happy :awww:

JustJo

05-02-2011, 08:06 AM

I've never had a list of "must have" qualities, but like sassy I have a short list of deal-breakers...and those haven't changed.

If anything, I'm quicker to call a halt when I see a deal-breaker as I age. When I was younger, I tended to make more excuses for other people's bad behavior...which never works.

I've been single more than I've been coupled in my life...and while I don't rejoice in being alone, I'm comfortable with it and it doesn't scare me. I guess I adhere to the "better an empty house than a bad tenant" philosophy when it comes to relationships.

apretty

05-07-2011, 09:42 AM

That's just it--My list was roughly this:

If you find someone who's company you enjoy, and who treats you well, but doesnt measure up to your preferred standards in some way, can you set your list aside and just enjoy the company?

And was never about a bunch unachievable standards. --Though tall, dark and handsome doesn't hurt.

That said, as I matured and had a couple of significant experiences--I knew *kindness* was extremely lacking in the list of qualities that I sought. As soon as I revised my list (and became really super okay with my single lifestyle--basically stopped looking) I met E.

It's funny that 'kindness' was overlooked by me but I just never really saw it modeled in my parents--Though my dad was kind to my mother in his way, my mother could really never receive what passed for his love (and really, vice versa). Needless to say, I've done a lot of work in that department (and continue to do so).

Outside of all of that--Laugh at my humor and make me laugh and I'm seriously your's (E's) forever. --Though kindness, mutual respect and the capacity to give and receive love doesn't hurt, either. <3

Queerasfck

05-07-2011, 09:58 AM

That said, as I matured and had a couple of significant experiences--I knew *kindness* was extremely lacking in the list of qualities that I sought. As soon as I revised my list (and became really super okay with my single lifestyle--basically stopped looking) I met E.

It's funny that 'kindness' was overlooked by me but I just never really saw it modeled in my parents--Though my dad was kind to my mother in his way, my mother could really never receive what passed for his love (and really, vice versa). Needless to say, I've done a lot of work in that department (and continue to do so).

Outside of all of that--Laugh at my humor and make me laugh and I'm seriously your's (E's) forever. --Though kindness, mutual respect and the capacity to give and receive love doesn't hurt, either. <3

You forgot to mention my sexual prowess.

Chazz

05-07-2011, 03:39 PM

Is there a point, age wise, when you can see yourself letting go of
the need for bells, whistles, and fireworks in exchange for pleasant,
consistent, mutually satisfying, supportive companionship?

WELL, pleasant, consistent, mutually satisfying, supportive companionship ARE the bells, whistles, and fireworks ANYMORE.

Gráinne

05-07-2011, 06:03 PM

It's been my experience that when I hear bells, whistles and fireworks, I should be listening for sirens and alarms. Danger! Beware!

I don't trust the "Lust at first sight" anymore. Back when I was younger, I would go with it and usually end up with someone with phenomenal sexual chemistry with me, or a great lover, or both. I admit it was fun! However, we usually wouldn't have that much in common in terms of values and goals, and you can't base a lifetime on sex.

I'm fine now taking my time to check out the person, no matter how attractive she is or how attracted I am. If she's worth it, she'll take her time, too. I want great sex, sure, but also the compatibility that you only find by communication.

So I don't call it "settling", as in I'd better take whatever comes down the pike, but instead getting much pickier. I'd rather be happy single than miserable in the wrong relationship again.

greeneyedgrrl

05-28-2011, 11:26 PM

People can meet all the criteria on your list, and it still might not work. i actually try not to try too hard. i find that the relationships the universe plunks down in front of me tend to work out better than the ones i try to make happen, meaning if i am thinking a lot about it and out there looking, etc. Not that i don't think looking and knowing what you want aren't good. They are.

But i can't trust my addict's brain. i tend to look for people who aren't that great for me. The universe has better plans for me than i do, so i try to pay attention to that.

i can totally relate to that!

It's gone from she must look like this and make z amount of money to will she make me laugh would I feel safe around her can I trust her without reservation. If I lost everything would she still love me and be my.cheerleader. I guess the older I get the.less picky I am. Now I don't expect someone to be anything than I'm not.

There is a huge difference in my list that I looked for in my 20's than what I seek in my mid thirties. But for me I have a basic list now and those are things for me that are not negotiab. So for me settling is not an option.

Yes I get lonely and sometimes ache so bad inside to be with someone. But the RIGHT person for me will only do. Settling is never right for both parties involved. Just my .02

i totally agree... and ugh the last part... i've been having to remind myself of that a lot lately, i keep finding people i'm not compatible with
(or they find me)...

If anything, I'm quicker to call a halt when I see a deal-breaker as I age. When I was younger, I tended to make more excuses for other people's bad behavior...which never works.

exactly!

Gaige

05-28-2011, 11:42 PM

yes, i have a partner wishlist and I have revised it. Initially I wanted a woman around my age +/- 5 years. Now that's not so important to me.

dixie

05-29-2011, 12:14 AM

I have wishlists. Some things change accordingly as I change and grow as an individual. Most core values/etc stay the same. As it stands, the heart of my list all boils down to someone who's quirks are compatible with mine so that we can truly enjoy each other.

Gemme

05-29-2011, 12:52 AM

If he can't dunk, I don't want him.

:blink:

musicman

05-29-2011, 06:12 AM

I have never had a wish list, I certainly look for certain qualities or characteristics in a potential life partner. I would think we all do. There has to be some common ground between the two of us. There is only soooo much sex one can have before you eventually are going to have to talk to that person.

I don't think there is anyone here that gets up in the morning and says I'd like to find someone who can look me in the eyes and outright lie to me. Or someone that is going to cheat on me first chance they get. I think we all have the "basic needs" in a partner.

We've all made mistakes and decisions that we regret now in our lives. I know I have made some astronomical mistakes and decisions in my lifetime that has altered my entire being.

I use to lean towards women with a certain hair color but I realized there were so many wonderfully women out there that I was missing. If you can find a partner that can hear your life story, the good parts and not skip pass the bad parts.See all your "warts" and still be standing in front of you with love in their eyes and not running for the hills, folks you have a keeper.

Andrew, Jr.

05-30-2011, 10:59 AM

Life changes at the drop of a penny. I never thought I would be fat at 30 something since I was always always thin. I never thought I would have a heart attack at 46 yo. I never thought I would bury my sister at 50 yo. I never thought any of the dreams I had would come true. Nothing I ever prayed for or even wished for ever happened. I was the kid in school who used to wish to win the lottery to win the library book on birds. Nope. Never won that. Never won a trophy in grade school. Everyone else did. I wanted to be a lead in the school play "The Mikado". Nope. I ended up being a king's soldier.

Life is strange. What I wanted so much, I have just resigned myself to getting whatever. Now, I am so very grateful for what it is I have & I have been given. I am so very blessed.

Andrew

MsTinkerbelly

05-31-2011, 10:09 AM

I never had a wish list, but I knew that there were things I had to have.

I had to have a partner in life...one that worked and played as hard as I do.
I had to have someone that would love me unconditionally.
I had to have someone that would stand by me while I got my disease under control and could be the partner THEY needed.

Sometimes if you are very very lucky, you get what you need.:hangloose:

Kitten.With.A.Twist

02-13-2013, 08:04 PM

Interesting question posed here... What I am attracted to has not changed much over the last 16 years... once I figured it out, I figured it out in a BIG way :) However what I 'need' in a relationship and what I 'want' in a mate has become more specific over my 48 years. I just had this conversation with my almost 17 year old daughter and I told her what I felt was 'important' in a relationship/partner/mate I realized that really DO have a much more specific list in my head than even I knew...

Curious as to what it is? I was, too.. so I wrote it down and looked at it for awhile. Here it is. Not sure how much I'm willing to compromise on the things listed, nor am I certain I could prioritize them. They are all very important to me, so in no particular order:

chivalrous, smart, brave, honest, kind, funny, nice to kids/waitresses/old folks, protective, helpful, enthusiastic, strong-willed, fair-minded, indulgent, lustful, thoughtful, patient, loving, financially-stable, affectionate, intellectually curious, vulnerable, confident, independent, creative, sexually assertive, communicative, trusting & trustworthy, and has joie de vivre

Geesh.. long list, eh?

Da Kitten who knows what she wants.. is it too much to ask?

Dance-with-me

02-13-2013, 08:28 PM

Is there a point, age wise, when you can see yourself letting go of
the need for bells, whistles, and fireworks in exchange for pleasant,
consistent, mutually satisfying, supportive companionship?

Well, I have to say that at almost 54 I just found more bells, whistles and fireworks with my new gf who is 64 years old today than I ever had with anyone when I was younger, and this is in addition to the "pleasant, consistent, mutually satisfying, supportive companionship" and so much more. I put out a LONG list to the universe of what I needed and wanted and absolutely would not compromise on, while feeling certain that I'd NEVER find what I wanted because I was way too particular and my standards were way too high, and yet found someone who met every single thing on my list just days later.

And in a delightful twist, a few weeks ago she went through a box of her mom's papers and phots with her sisters, and they found a long list she'd made in 1983 of what she wanted, and I met every characteristic.

So my thought is, whether it takes three days or thirty years to get what you know you want, as long as those things are truly qualities of who that person really IS instead of more superficial characteristics, then you need to hold tight to what you know is right for you.

Kitten.With.A.Twist

02-15-2013, 08:54 AM

I also just realized that I need to be in partnership with a morning person... or at least someone who greets the morning (and me) with a happy face :) I can be a night owl, too - but my primary 'best time' energetically is the morning - esp. the early morning - and I'm coming to realize that it's more of a priority for me than I ever thought about!

sara-bera

02-15-2013, 10:11 AM

In my late teens, I knew what I wanted my relationship to be like but I've always been less specific about the person. I knew more how I wanted to feel with someone, I think, as opposed to what sort of person I wanted them to be. As a result, I've dated all sorts of people; I've run the gamut of ages, genders, professions, and personality types and I still came to find that it really is all about how I feel with the person, and not really who or what they are.

I mean, they do have to be certain things in order to cause me to feel a particular way, I suppose. For instance, I am submissive in nature and therefore I like the way I feel when I am with someone who has a dominant personality. But, they don't exactly have to be Lord Domly-Dom McMasterson in order for me to be happy. Just because someone likes to put a girl in handcuffs and spank her bum doesn't mean he/she's going to enjoy being the decision-maker in the relationship... which is what I actually need... more than the spankings (though, they're fun too).

I did make the mistake of thinking that Lord Domly was what I needed to be looking for. Further, I think that's a common mistake. People say things like "I need someone with a sense of humor!" Well, most people have a sense of humor - but does it mesh with your own? You could date a comedian and still be miserable. What people actually want is a relationship that filled with happiness and laughter. We should be looking for someone who we can laugh easily with.

At first glance, my Beau is super serious. I would never, ever, EVER, in a million years, think he had a sense of humor. But we laugh together often - more than I ever have with anyone else. We have silly games and inside jokes we share... that no one else might ever find amusing.

But I digress - my point of coming in here was to say that I gave up on what I wanted, in my late twenties. I didn't think I could find it. It was too hard. I settled on trying to find someone I could live with. And it wasn't enough. I shouldn't have done it... because I did end up finding everything I'd always wanted. It just took a lot longer and he certainly didn't come in the package I was expecting.

I think I'd probably be one to urge people not to settle. I gave up and almost missed my chance to be with someone I can't live without and who calls me 'indispensable.'

SuddenlyWestFemme

02-15-2013, 11:35 AM

What people actually want is a relationship that filled with happiness and laughter. We should be looking for someone who we can laugh easily with.

This really hit home for me. A relationship filled with happiness and laughter sounds beautiful.

I have had lists. But the lists have usually been surface (older than me, handsome, etc., etc...) until a friend asked me to really look at my list and go deeper. She asked why I wanted someone older than me? It really came down to my fear of aging and only being liked because I was deemed 'pretty' by society. So I realized I needed to change "older" to "someone who makes me feel secure and loved even on those I feel ugly days." Age (to a point) is irrelevant. Shocking that I didn't know that!

I do think there is a power in pen and tongue which is why I journal and write down my dreams. I have gotten relationships that pretty much match my lists..., but just as someone else on this thread said, I forgot to put kind on the list. So as I've gotten older, I've gotten wiser. Kind is now number one on my list! And I really only have three non-negotiable: Kind, sexually compatible, family guy (or wants to be a family guy). I have kids so a family lifestyle is unavoidable and I can't be with someone who is frustrated by that life.

Sometimes I am literally shocked at how my life turned out. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and tell that young girl that kindness is the most important thing... That you can't have a relationship filled with happiness and laughter if someone isn't kind to you. Someone who can be mean to others WILL be mean to you. But then I wouldn't have gotten the beautiful lessons of life. Those lessons that have made me more empathetic to others. The lessons that have made me more 'beautiful'. :)

As I get older, would I rather be alone than with someone that doesn't have the qualities I need? Yes. As I've said, my new list only has three non negotiable things... if you are not kind, sexually compatible with me, and a family guy... I need to be alone. True, there are other things I look for, but the past two years of being a single mom with no family within 2800 miles, has shown me that I can do it on my own. I know that I don't need to be rescued so would rather wait (okay... there is still a little piece of me that totally wants the knight in shinning armor to sweep me off my feet and tell me it is all going to be okay... progress not perfection).

I hope there is a relationship in my future. Recently, after a bit of panic at the thought, I figured out that I am ready for that chapter. I like the thought of additional laughter and love in my life. But I don't need it. And that my friends, is true freedom!

SweetJane

02-15-2013, 02:05 PM

This is an interesting thread.

Settling? NEVER. I repeat. NEVER SETTLE.

Excuse me for the shouting. I've found it's hard to be alone, to not even date (when there's nothing wrong with me--the community is limited). BUT it's far worse to settle for a warm body who meet some of the characteristics on my list. I have met butches who have some of them but not all. And the spark just wasn't there.

I do think, however, that sometimes we refine our lists, making them more specific, thus putting something more exact out to the Universe.

When I met the butch who's courting me, I just put my list aside and let the Universe find the person best suited to me. I didn't expect to find everything, but I did... so far. (We will meet next month and, as they say in archaeology, we'll "ground truth" each other.

Don't give up. Keep your standards. But make sure you aren't being too picky on the surface.

Loving wishes to you all in hope you find your perfect partners.

StrongButch

02-15-2013, 02:15 PM

Im to old for a list I would forget half of it anyway. (lol) I think communication and forgiveness are only things on my list. The heart takes care of the rest.

diamondrose

02-15-2013, 02:32 PM

Iv never had a list

All iv ever wished for in my heart is give and take, honesty, and support

kissinfemme

02-17-2013, 01:58 AM

Is there a point, age wise, when you can see yourself letting go of
the need for bells, whistles, and fireworks in exchange for pleasant,
consistent, mutually satisfying, supportive companionship?

I want both ~ the bells, whistles & fireworks as well as the pleasant, consistent, mutually satisfying, supportive companionship & I know it's possible to have both! Sex fuels the love, love fuels the sex & both are essential for the "glue" that keeps it all together.

Like everyone, I have a "hard" list of qualities that I must have in a partner & my list has definetly changed as I've grown older (& as each person has entered and left my life) & I am unwilling to settle for anything less.

One day.....

Jean_TX

02-17-2013, 11:44 AM

This thread keeps popping up, so I thought I’d volunteer a “wish list” too. Objectively, my criteria for a “significant other” relate to three levels of a relationship:

1) Companionship
She must score favorably when judged against a list of attributes that I find necessary in any companion. Ideal qualities include
- Kind, considerate, thoughtful,
- Humorous, playful, <= Placid women need not apply.
- Interesting (i.e., intelligent, knowledgeable; good conversationalist),
- Confident, somewhat adventurous, <= Chronically indecisive and timid women need not apply.
- Filled with positive energy and enthusiasm, <= Pessimists need not apply.
- Loyal.

2) Deep Caring Relationship
If someone qualifies as a desirable companion, she could become a candidate for my “significant other” if, and only if, she meets all the following criteria:
- Lesbian,
- Feminine,
- Available (i.e., single, uncommitted),
- Open and honest (i.e., does not deceive by means of overt lies, extreme exaggeration, deliberate withholding of pertinent facts, or “weasel wording”),
- Trustworthy, moral, and ethical,
- Financially stable and independent.

3) Romance
The final and ultimate criterion is that we must have “chemistry” with one another. For me, “chemistry” is primarily a function of physical appearance, although demeanor and attitude are also factors. (Some people might regard this requirement as “shallow”, but it is no more “shallow” than choosing a partner based on any other unearned endowment such as intelligence, good humor, creativity, etc.) This “chemistry” can occur at any point, but romance only occurs if the other two levels of the relationship have already been achieved.

DISCLAIMER: Despite having written all the above, I confess that I do not (and would not) go about the choice of a “significant other” in an objective way. I don’t keep a spreadsheet tally of a particular woman’s attributes, nor do I consciously or logically consider whether or not she is a good fit for me. The “right” woman for me is a complex combination of attributes – a bit of one attribute, a dash of that, a large amount of another attribute, etc. There is no one ideal combination of ingredients! Just as with any recipe, the ‘proof is in the pudding’. For that reason, I make my choice based on my long-term response to her … The sound of her voice, the sight of her, the time I spend with her – do all these things make me feel buoyant and joyful? Is our relationship predominantly uplifting? Is her presence in my life a positive influence? If the answers to these questions are all “yes”, then I succumb.

alexri

02-17-2013, 12:45 PM

I think there are certain things in the wishlist that aren't wishes but are rather non-negotiable deal-breakers. To me this is more serious than settling/not-settling. These non-negotiable items for me include physical or emotional abuse, lying, cheating, stealing, smoking, or being with someone who abuses alcohol or other drugs. For me, I don't think these are requirements that should ever be adjusted regardless of life's changes.

I do believe there are some standards that you just can't settle for, because if you did, the relationship is destined to fail. An example of being realistic and keeping your standards would not be hoping for a long term relationship with someone who has expressed no interest in being a parent, while you already have, or have always wanted, a family.

After the non-negotiable items, I look at what I'm willing to, for lack of a better word, compromise on.

No one is perfect. There is no perfect partner. We all have flaws and baggage, and we all make mistakes. I don't believe someone exists that is 100% of everything you're looking for in a partner. I think being realistic is finding someone who makes you happy, who shares common interests but not so much that it's like you were separated at birth, who will respect you, be honest, be loyal, be kind, and be trustworthy. And I think often we can be surprised by someone showing us things we never thought of in a partner, but will be thankful for.

At the same time, I would never ask or expect someone to change for me. If someone want to change something in his/her life it has to be because he/she wants to. If you ask someone to give up a lifetime hobby you hate, instead of compromising that the person can engage in this hobby without you/with friends, you're going to lose. Sometimes it's about finding the balance.

fever

02-19-2013, 10:15 PM

I was looking at this thread, and your comments mirror my thoughts exactly. I am older than you are, but, still have a few good miles left. Maybe I am reflecting because I have been single 5 yrs, waiting for Mr. Right, and the wait seems insurmountable.

I want both ~ the bells, whistles & fireworks as well as the pleasant, consistent, mutually satisfying, supportive companionship & I know it's possible to have both! Sex fuels the love, love fuels the sex & both are essential for the "glue" that keeps it all together.

Like everyone, I have a "hard" list of qualities that I must have in a partner & my list has definetly changed as I've grown older (& as each person has entered and left my life) & I am unwilling to settle for anything less.

One day.....

Ciaran

02-20-2013, 09:10 AM

I don't have a list. In fact, if I were to have a list, the first thing on it would probably be that she doesn't have a list. People who are super-organised and overly defined are a massive turn-off for me.

More generally, for me, I find that opposites often attract as far as I am concerned - that's opposites in terms of personality, rather than belief system. I tend to be more attracted to those who smile and laugh often, have a sweet demeanour and don't take themselves too seriously.

Contessa

02-20-2013, 02:48 PM

~ocean

02-20-2013, 03:23 PM

I really don't find it hard at all to be alone now that I'm older and wiser. When I was younger, it seemed I always needed to be in a relationship. I just am not willing to settle either. I guess I settled one too many times as a youngster..lol
I don't have a written list. But I have a mental check list of what I want and what I don't want..

There was a time where I too blew off my check list in favor of chemistry and that was always a MISTAKE!! lol :4femme:

In short, no more settling for me. If I die alone with my dogs..I'll die happy with my doggies; smiling. Another person in my life would enhance, not complete me..

^ 5 Contessa I told my kids take whats in the bank and the saftey deposit box and run >> the hell w. this beast of a house , let the EX sell it and wire u the money ~ stay together ~ I will always be close by ~ and I soooooooo agree someone inmy life would add to my life not complete me . I feel I am completed to a degree ~ I know who I am and how I got here ~BUT I am alwyays learning new things about myself as I change w. added wisdom ~

Bells

02-24-2013, 09:04 PM

LOL I was just telling a friend of mine. I was going to be a lonely old lady living with a bunch of dogs ....

I just want somone who accepts me the way i am flaws and all. who will not try to change me. and who can be themself/theirself and not try and change to what they think i want them to be.

who is not afraid of a little hard work, and willing to work with me.
when they say they are going to do something... DO IT !!!!

I could keep going but I think thats a good start.....

I really don't find it hard at all to be alone now that I'm older and wiser. When I was younger, it seemed I always needed to be in a relationship. I just am not willing to settle either. I guess I settled one too many times as a youngster..lol
I don't have a written list. But I have a mental check list of what I want and what I don't want..

There was a time where I too blew off my check list in favor of chemistry and that was always a MISTAKE!! lol :4femme:

In short, no more settling for me. If I die alone with my dogs..I'll die happy with my doggies; smiling. Another person in my life would enhance, not complete me..

TheMerryFairy

02-24-2013, 09:10 PM

Sweet Bliss

02-28-2013, 09:58 AM

I figure when I become the person I am in love with, I will be half way there.

kittygrrl

03-02-2013, 08:09 PM

Incredibly smart
Insatiable (for me)
Ethical

Vivacious1

03-02-2013, 08:46 PM

MissItalianDiva

03-02-2013, 09:13 PM

This is definitely an interesting thread and one I will be thinking more about this weekend but as of right now my view on this is yes and no. I suppose under certain circumstances this could be due to settling or adjusting to reality but for me personally I don't think any of my adjustments have to do with settling but do in fact somewhat have to do with a reality check.

For me I used to have a huge laundry list and as I have grown older I have realized most of it just doesn't matter so I have gotten rid of them. I suppose in it's own way that qualifies as adjusting to reality. Over time I have grown and evolved and now believe love is unpredictable and random and frankly I don't give two hoots if they don't fold their underwear a certain way or if they were not everything on my original ridiculous list I had formed in my life.

Going with the flow of life not only feels better but seems to work better in the long run as well. Just my two cents!

Cailin

03-02-2013, 09:29 PM

At the end of the day, All I want is someone who understands and accepts me- and still WANTS to be with me.... but the biggest list factor will always and forever be "trust worthy" and communication. If I dont have those, then there is nothing to have.

However, wanting brown hair, and green or brown eyes doesn't hurt ;)

kittygrrl

03-03-2013, 10:04 AM

Kindness towards animals, people, the planet for a lifetime..There are endless themes on what love is or should be but Kindness is harder and more perfecting

*Anya*

03-03-2013, 10:33 AM

My response has changed over time.

Ability to communicate is number one with me:

The good

The not-so-good

Feelings

Thoughts

Hopes

Dreams

The future

The past

The present

Hear, really hear, what is being said;

Without taking it personally

Without defensiveness

With openness

Caring

Love

Hope

Joy.

Yes.

Dude

03-03-2013, 12:22 PM

* kindness
everything else that's important
is all some form of kindness

little_ms_sunshyne

03-03-2013, 06:10 PM

For me, it is about meeting someone that compliments me and I them. That doesn't always mean they meet criteria on a list.

I do suppose that there are some non-negotiables like don't be a felon or a cheater! I think that should be a standard though lol

meridiantoo

03-03-2013, 06:43 PM

I keep reading this thread as it is bumped up and not sure how to say this, but here goes...

I think age and maturity teaches you that people are not perfect, we all have baggage, issues, areas that would benefit from improvement, and even character flaws, I would be so bold as to say. We each take our paths in life and most roads have bumps that leave their mental/emotional scuff marks on our souls and personalities. That is, at least in my mind, what makes us unique and have depth. I have learned from everyone who has been in my life, in one way or another. However, some lessons, I didn't necessarily want to learn.

With this in mind, I don't want to say I have never had a list, but I've tried to keep my list flexible, realistic, practical, and fair. I am a handful myself some days.

I think my list of deal-breakers is longer, more relevant and prioritized higher than my list of wishes for a perfect partner:

1) Malice/general meanness/vindictiveness/need to consistently put others down.

2) Rudeness that occurs consistently/lack of manners.

3) Recreational drug user.

4) A butch who does not open the door for me (See page 3, paragraph 4 of the Femmes 101 handbook) :readfineprint:

5) A butch who does not understand my need for new toys :jester: :tease:

6) Someone who needs to keep up with the Jones'. I'm too old, too wise, too financially constrained, and enjoy variety too much to do this anymore. I learned in my 20s the Jones' are very shallow and boring.

7) A butch who would ever be demeaning to a service person (i.e. waiter/waitress, hotel cleaning staff, delivery driver) unless it was absolutely necessary; not sure why this bugs me, it just does.

I've enjoyed this thread and seeing what people think.

little_ms_sunshyne

03-03-2013, 07:51 PM

Now this is a list I agree with :) Well said Meridian

I keep reading this thread as it is bumped up and not sure how to say this, but here goes...

I think age and maturity teaches you that people are not perfect, we all have baggage, issues, areas that would benefit from improvement, and even character flaws, I would be so bold as to say. We each take our paths in life and most roads have bumps that leave their mental/emotional scuff marks on our souls and personalities. That is, at least in my mind, what makes us unique and have depth. I have learned from everyone who has been in my life, in one way or another. However, some lessons, I didn't necessarily want to learn.

With this in mind, I don't want to say I have never had a list, but I've tried to keep my list flexible, realistic, practical, and fair. I am a handful myself some days.

I think my list of deal-breakers is longer, more relevant and prioritized higher than my list of wishes for a perfect partner:

1) Malice/general meanness/vindictiveness/need to consistently put others down.

2) Rudeness that occurs consistently/lack of manners.

3) Recreational drug user.

4) A butch who does not open the door for me (See page 3, paragraph 4 of the Femmes 101 handbook) :readfineprint:

5) A butch who does not understand my need for new toys :jester: :tease:

6) Someone who needs to keep up with the Jones'. I'm too old, too wise, too financially constrained, and enjoy variety too much to do this anymore. I learned in my 20s the Jones' are very shallow and boring.

7) A butch who would ever be demeaning to a service person (i.e. waiter/waitress, hotel cleaning staff, delivery driver) unless it was absolutely necessary; not sure why this bugs me, it just does.

I've enjoyed this thread and seeing what people think.

meridiantoo

03-06-2013, 03:05 PM

I think this is an interesting thread. For myself, I don't thing the changes in preferences for my partner's is settling or adjusting to reality, I think it is me maturing. I can honestly say that I have been with partners that I felt were my "ideal" in one way or the other. Whether it be looks, financial stability, security etc... I believe that we have each of our partner's for a reason, if we are wise we will learn something from each of them and keep our regrets to a minimum. I certainly have made my mistakes, but without those I would not have learned to be the woman that I am and I certainly would not have the ability to make the right decisions for my future.
I don't have a list any longer, it is either right or wrong, there is no in between.

I think I am in the same place in life. I once wanted someone to be absolutely perfect or absolutely perfect for me, which meant the same thing. Does this 'soul mate' exist? For me, it has been yes and no. No one is going to meet my every want/need/desire/dream. And honestly, I'm not sure I want them to. I honor and value my own evolution as a person. I also believe strongly in valuing my partner's evolution. So, what are qualities that seem at first to be negatives or undesired traits, I would not necessarily peg as deal-breakers anymore. My deal-breakers are my only list now. I am a very different woman than I was 20 years ago. I hope to be different 20 year from now. Who would have knocked my socks off at 20 is not who knocks my socks off now. So, I have learned to be more fluid in my expectations. Does this mean I settle? Maybe. But, I think only if I feel I am settling.

:bouquet:

Blade

05-26-2014, 09:30 AM

If you have a wishlist for a partner/companion is it an ideal list or a
guide of sorts?

Have you revised your list to increase your chances for finding an
appropriate partner/companion as you have matured in age?

Do you feel like you are settling if you deviate from your list?

If you find someone who's company you enjoy, and who treats you well,
but doesnt measure up to your preferred standards in some way,
can you set your list aside and just enjoy the company? Or, do you
find yourself holding back in case a more suitable suitor comes along?

Is there a point, age wise, when you can see yourself letting go of
the need for bells, whistles, and fireworks in exchange for pleasant,
consistent, mutually satisfying, supportive companionship?

Yes over the years I have revised my wish list. It has actually changed a lot since I was say 40.

My wish list is just a guide. Of course there are things on the wish list that is a must, but for the most part just a guideline.

I don't think I am settling if I stray off of my wish list a little. Things change life changes I change, our needs change. I could enjoy the company of someone who didn't measure up but that doesn't mean I would be in love with them. Friendship is important, and dating is sort of a way to weed out the friendships from the possible love interests.

For me the bells and whistles and fireworks almost always come first. There has to be a physical attraction. I am at the age where well lets face it I'm getting long in the tooth and if I were looking for a partner, the pickings in wish list are slim and get slimmer as time goes on. I wouldn't settle, I'd just keep looking until I found Miss Right. Miss September is working out just fine right now so the wish list is all checked off at this time.

Shystonefem

05-26-2014, 02:30 PM

Not going to settle.... if there is nobody there, Ok.... I love animals... I love laughter, I love free time, I love to cuddle, I don't want you to yell at me, I am not all about "floors you can eat off of" - the house is clean but will never be spotless...... I love life and I love adventure.

Kätzchen

03-29-2015, 01:02 AM

Strangely, having a conversation on the subject of settling for less, within the context of type of employment or career/career goals, rather than within the realm of a romantic relationship, was how it all began for me and the person I am exclusively seeing.

He asked me, in a roundabout way, why I was settling for less (he didn't ask, he just submitted his idea, fishing for my response). I was glad for the opportunity to ask why he thought I was settling for less (in my former roe at work), and I submitted the idea that it is not always 'settling for less' or 'adjusting to reality', when in reality chances are that we run with what we've got and build on what we can and take steps to grow (or go forward) with what we presently have or take a chance when we see opportunities to explore new realms of life. I followed up with giving him an example of how I landed the job I had (at the time) and qualified my rationale that if I had not elected to participate in my former role that one consequence would be that we would have never met each other, at all.

That said, I feel that it is good when we have a good inkling of what it is that we want or might need (ie, list of preferences). But even on my best day of knowing what I want or need is not enough.

He was impressed with my ability to propose an alternate view on whether we settle for less or have any sort of settlement that lends toward a sense of satisfaction or adds to the sum of happiness we search for.

In my mind, all the ideas I have had about what I want or need have come into play, to a certain degree, whether the focus is that of an career or employment to the type of relationship one seeks and hopes to find.

For us, thankfully, it has been conversational topics such as the one spoken of here (ie, settling for less, etc) that paved the way for us to collaborate, while pontificating on subjective ideas, within an objective trained acuity.

I am grateful and feel blessed that he is timely in his process and style of communication.

Which is a big deal, to me (holding ones own as a communicator in communicating our ideas, needs, wants and desires).

Violette

03-31-2015, 09:39 PM

There was an interesting article in the paper today about single women,
over 40, who are feeling the void of simple, consistent companionship in
their personal lives.

These women have had wishlists of qualities, characteristics etc. for a permanent partner
but have found few who measure up to their ideal.
As a result, rather than "settling" for less than the ideal,
these women have been going without.

Interestingly, I have matched a former partner's extensive wish list. I was shocked. Prior to this experience, I had looked a lot of online profiles and read some folks' wish lists and thought, "My goodness, you're never going to find anyone who meets all of those things!" It got to the point that I wouldn't even finish reading those profiles.

Now, they are apparently rethinking their wishlists to devise a more practical and viable
(and maybe realistic) list of important things in a partner/companion.

So, I am wondering the following:

If you have a wishlist for a partner/companion is it an ideal list or a
guide of sorts?

I have a few things that I think are needed for a healthy relationship. I'm fairly open about some things, but some qualities are needed.

Have you revised your list to increase your chances for finding an
appropriate partner/companion as you have matured in age?

I find that I get more refined about the qualities I find necessary. The more people I have gotten to know, the more I know about what works for me and what doesn't. So, the list gets revised, but it is in accordance to my growth.

Do you feel like you are settling if you deviate from your list?

I don't feel that applies for me. Learning more about what works and does not work for yourself and adjusting your list accordingly, isn't settling. I realize you are likely speaking of people who have long lists and just find the need to cut it down to be with someone. My point is that "lists" change, but not necessarily for the reasons you write.

If you find someone who's company you enjoy, and who treats you well,
but doesnt measure up to your preferred standards in some way,
can you set your list aside and just enjoy the company? Or, do you
find yourself holding back in case a more suitable suitor comes along?

It seems to me, it's a good idea to wait for the one who might work best. Having said this, I've met much older couples (late 70's, 80's plus) who have done this. They are together for companionship and it's not really about the romance (not that older folks can't have wonderful romances, just sharing what I've seen--that there's comfort in consistent supportive companionship).

Is there a point, age wise, when you can see yourself letting go of
the need for bells, whistles, and fireworks in exchange for pleasant,
consistent, mutually satisfying, supportive companionship?

As mentioned above, matching the former partner's extensive list did not make our relationship last. Behind the list is a human who has a way of interacting with you that may or may not work for you. It turned out, she did not fit my "list" of basic qualities that I need for a relationship to work for me. Initially, there was a lot of potential; she met those qualities. Then it fell apart. When things get real deep and people get triggered, sometimes they can no longer "hold on" to those qualities. And it seems, that all of those qualities that I matched, didn't matter in the end.

Ascot

04-01-2015, 02:25 PM

I've probably referenced this before because they've been with me a long time, but two relationship tenets that I still carry with me, given to me by my mother when I was quite young and we were having "the talks" are this; your partner has to challenge you intellectually and they have to make you laugh. Intelligence and a desire to continue learning are paramount to me. When I was younger, I'm sure I said that it's important that one be well educated but I don't necessarily mean that in a formal way. As I've gotten older, I've learned that education can come in many, many forms. Ignorance is not bliss.

A great sense of humor is pretty important to me, too. It's one of my nonnegotiables. It's especially important to be able to laugh at oneself. I know that isn't always easy. God knows I provide myself a lot of fodder in that regard. Life is simply too short to be a sourpuss all the time.

I am not going to settle. I want to feel lust, tenderness, respect, fierceness, creativity, comfort, protectiveness, love. They are the same things I want to receive and inspire. I don't think any of that has really changed for me over the years, but now they have a patina.

homoe

04-01-2015, 03:15 PM

It's not so much of a wish list as things that will attract me to someone and make me want to get to know them better. A MUST is a sense of humor. Life is way to short to take things so seriously! Secondly, a nice smile! I don't care how attractive someone may be but if they are walking around with a scowl painted on their face, chances are I'm not even going to notice them. Lastly, I would like someone who can carry on an intelligent conversation once the sex dies out, and lets face it, if you can't communicate how long will a relationship survive?

C0LLETTE

04-01-2015, 04:51 PM

Geez homoe! I'm over here.

JDeere

04-01-2015, 08:02 PM

I used to have a list of what I wanted but now that I am older, I have rethought about the said list.

Nowadays, it's all about

Honesty
Respect
Communication
Sense of Humor
Has to like horror movies

JDeere

01-12-2016, 10:46 PM

BUMP BUMP!

I am finding that I am accepting that this life is reality and not how I imagined it in my fantasy world!

Shystonefem

01-13-2016, 04:17 AM

I have a both, a list of what I want and a list of what I don't want.

What I want....

Intelligent conversation - if we can't talk about anything on an intellectual level, you won't have my interest for very long. This is hard to find.

Someone who is as helpful to me as I am to them. I can do many things, however, if someone can do the things I cannot do, please help me as I would you.

Someone with a sense of humor. I love to laugh and I would want the same in a partner.

Someone that can listen as well as talk. I understand that things go on in everyone's life but remember, things happen in my life too. Be as interested in my day as I am in yours.

Someone that is so sincere that I trust them completely. I will tell anyone almost everything except what is deep down inside of me. If someone can get there, they will have me forever. It is not easy to get there but I do know that, someday, someone will.

Someone that pays attention to who I am and how I love. I have always known how my partners have loved and I have always tried to show them love that way, however, I don't think anyone has really known how I love and, therefore, never really expressed it in ways that made me feel completely loved.

And I know what I don't want.....

Cheaters

Liars

Cold hearted people

People that are mean to animals

Someone who tries to separate me from my family

A person that doesn't respect what is important to me.

Nat

01-13-2016, 09:06 AM

My list changed a lot when I realized kids weren't a part of my future - and then realized as much as I had wanted one that I was actually relieved to have this big uncharted future ahead of me.

But really that list is changing for me too - my dreams are changing - I don't know really what I want yet - my new dreams are still being dreamed up. It's kind of exciting. I wouldn't drag someone into that. I may never.

Life changes, people change, dreams change. It's not settling to listen to the longings of today and - especially if it doesn't require dumping someone overboard - to shift course for whatever longings suit the present you rather than whatever past you of perhaps different appetites and depths and longings may have at one time wanted.

imperfect_cupcake

01-13-2016, 01:31 PM

Of course it's changed. Be insane if it didn't. I find as I age, my list gets more restrictive, not more open. I used to be very open with dating, willing to try lots of different kinds of people, money didn't matter, age didn't matter, education didn't matter, type of sexuality (in kink. I was open to tops, switches, bottoms etc), class didn't matter, ethnicity didn't matter, if they drank or smoked pot didn't matter... I was open to all kinds of non-monogamy. Distance didn't matter. Lived with people, lived in communal houses of genderqueer community, alternative community, punk rock, musicians etc. Got married. Had triad relationships.

So, no, actually it's different for me. I find I'm a HELL of a lot more restrictive.
But then I seem to be living my life backwards to most people. I find most people as they get older realise they want more freedom and want to start traveling etc.

I've done all that. I've experimented with being a top, a domme, a bottom, a switch, lived in several different countries, dated men, women, transmasculines, genderqueer, bigenderded. Had four different careers, been to school three times.

So, no. I find my life is now becoming more focused. I know what I can and cannot do. So my dating list has become far more strict and narrow. I know what works and what doesn't. I know what matters and what doesn't. I know what things make me sick (mentally broken down, fatigued, depressed) and what things are mentally healthy for me.

gotoseagrl

01-13-2016, 01:43 PM

I have found that you might know a lot of important things which you choose to not settle without, but not the full list until that person just arrives, unexpectedly, and fills in all the blanks. An overabundance of them.

kittygrrl

01-13-2016, 02:51 PM

I think I am in the same place in life. I once wanted someone to be absolutely perfect or absolutely perfect for me, which meant the same thing. Does this 'soul mate' exist? For me, it has been yes and no. No one is going to meet my every want/need/desire/dream. And honestly, I'm not sure I want them to. I honor and value my own evolution as a person. I also believe strongly in valuing my partner's evolution. So, what are qualities that seem at first to be negatives or undesired traits, I would not necessarily peg as deal-breakers anymore. My deal-breakers are my only list now. I am a very different woman than I was 20 years ago. I hope to be different 20 year from now. Who would have knocked my socks off at 20 is not who knocks my socks off now. So, I have learned to be more fluid in my expectations. Does this mean I settle? Maybe. But, I think only if I feel I am settling.

:bouquet:

Love your comments! The word settling is such loaded word..what is wrong with settling for the right reasons? I think it is very rare to find the someone who has all our bells and whistles and oftentimes the person we choose who we think has all the important ones we find is not what we needed most..or wanted for that matter. Earth life tends to be lead in the fast lane and we subject ourselves to many things which are not necessarily good for us and it is only through the universe showing us, "is this what you wanted?" we realize "No! not like that!" There is a saying about that we are always learning but not necessarily learning from it and tend to repeat the same mistakes. I've seen it often. It's not wrong, everything here gives us experience to understand (and bring) the meaning to our lives and what will give us ultimately....(at some point, hopefully)..a measure of happiness.

Cin

01-13-2016, 03:50 PM

I never had a list and I doubt I ever will. There are way too many variables and unknowns for me to believe I know what I do and don't want. Something intolerable in one person seems perfectly acceptable in another because of some unfathomable and unpredictable mixture of aspects and factors, not to mention degree.

For example suppose on my hypothetical list I have that the person I will entertain as a suitable partner must be kind and easy to get along with. I meet a hypothetical someone who is kind and easy going, someone who goes with the flow and isn't always struggling against others. Then I discover that it is not so much that she is kind or even easy going as it is that she avoids conflict. She would prefer not to argue to the extent that she does not get what she wants and then she is frustrated but unable to express it. This sometimes results in her displeasure coming out sideways and as a result she can be occasionally passive aggressive. She would also like it if I were telepathic. I discover that easy going is not so easy after all and she requires my help in expressing her needs and wants. Depending on the rest of our relationship and other extenuating circumstances I might be willing to help her with this. Perhaps it would be worth it to me to stay in the relationship but perhaps it would not. But either way it's difficult to interpret other people's qualities as positive or negative and even harder to categorize their attributes.

I like M Scott Peck's definition of love as being the willingness to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth. So for me lists would probably give way to love. That is probably the most important ingredient in my relationship choices. How loving are our interactions? Love and compassion go a long way in overcoming those inevitable obstacles.

The difference for me today is that when I was younger I wasn't aware that other people had lists. Now I know they do and the only thing on my list is that the person I am interested in doesn't have one. For me I would be worried that I wouldn't measure up and always wondering if the person had to settle. I want to be someone's choice not something to be settled for.

Luckily for me none of this is an issue since I am very happily married to a woman who seems as though she was made especially and specifically for me.

job

01-13-2016, 04:46 PM

Exactly what Miss Tick said.

Also, as I have gotten older I care less about being with someone. So, if I even suspect I'll be happier alone....I'm good. Any interest is gone.

BullDog

01-13-2016, 04:58 PM

Well, I posted in this thread in 2011 and stand by what I said then. I've never had a list beyond someone who is honest, kind, good sense of humor, intelligent and femme. Bonus points if she loves the arts and is politically minded to some extent. Sharing the same values about the importance of our relationship and enjoying living the same kind of life are key too. Someone I can laugh with constantly and someone who loves my quirks instead of just putting up with them, and I hers.

That said, I do believe it is possible for one person to meet all my bells, whistles and fireworks because I have found her. I couldn't have dreamed her up if I tried or measured her against some sort of list of qualifications. It's big things, quirky things and lots of other things in between. It's a combination of how our individual qualities and characteristics play off of one another. In some ways we are eerily similar and in other ways we are very different yet complementary. I couldn't have anticipated all of that ahead of time. And the consistent, mutually satisfying, supportive companionship is there too based on our communication and because we want to live the same kind of life and have the same kind of relationship. It may be sheer luck that we even found each other, but yes it is possible.

imperfect_cupcake

01-14-2016, 02:40 AM

imperfect_cupcake

01-14-2016, 03:20 AM

Violette, your words resonate best with me.

I think the understanding of the difference between a want and a need in a relationship it kind of what Kobi is talking about.

Perhaps Kobi meant by bells and whistles, those things that are wants, not needs.

I know the difference. My list of needs is not short. Mainly because I have dated, been sex friends with, had committed relationships with a fair many people in my sexually active period of 14-46. That's 32 years. I wasn't very discriminatory with people in affairs of the heart (casual sex? Very discriminatory. But it's a different criteria). Whomever got my heart butterflies going, I'd accept. I didn't know any different. There was a whole world to love.

Now I know better. I have a list of needs. And they *do* have to be met. Or I will become sick, depressed, unhappy and non-functional. The wants are all things that would be nice but don't affect my mental health and well being and therefore aren't necessary. Like, I'm a total geek/nerd, I would love it if someone was too. But it's not vital. What it vital is that they are willing to come along to museums and galleries and learn with me.
I HATE team sports and fishing. sitting and watching a game on tv with someone is like asking me to watch paint dry. But I'm happy to go to a baseball/hockey game with them if they buy me hot dogs and teach me. Or turn the TV game into a kinky sex game.

I'm just never going to go fishing with someone on a little boat. Ever. For some people, that's a need. Just like for others with a deep enjoyment of ball room dancing, they need someone who wants to be their partner in dance and is willing to learn at least some steps.

I think understanding the difference between a want and a need is kind of what is being asked?

storyspinner70

01-14-2016, 11:30 AM

I think you do yourself a major disservice by even thinking of it in the terms of a must have/musn't have list. Life doesn't work that way. People aren't a laundry list of traits for you to shop for. When you do that, you lose out on people that could have the best contribution to your life.

It's a limiting way to live your life and you deserve better than that. If you click with someone, give them a chance. You'll find out soon enough if you're compatible enough to live your life together or just to have fun for awhile, or if you need to run very quickly the other way.

Everyone has things they won't accept: abuse, etc. That's basic. But if you aren't open, if you never give someone a chance because they don't meet but 6 out of 12 requirements on your list, you never know who you let go by you. How do you know those 6 aren't enough? What if they have 6 others you never even knew you wanted - or could want?

To me, it's just limiting yourself in a way you never should be and it's not fair to yourself. If I wasn't open, I'd never have spent the last almost four years with my butch, because she is like no one I've been with before. And I'm very glad I never had those limits. She is more than worth it.

storyspinner70

01-14-2016, 11:49 AM

I've taken the word "list of requirements" to mean "boundaries and knowing what you need and can't take in a relationship."

If someone didn't have a list of boundaries and needs I wouldn't go near them with someone else's barge pole.

Or am I misunderstanding the term "list"

That really depends on the person, I think. I took it as those people who have actual limiting lists of mostly wants but even some needs. I have a friend, for example, who won't even consider short men. Ever. That's the kind of thing I think of.

Everyone has preferences. Everyone has the things they like. But to me, if you aren't open to people - even those that are different than what you want - and yes, even to some degree, what you think you need - then you're missing out on a an entire spectrum of people that could be some of the greatest joy in your life.

Should you know what you want and need? Most definitely. Should it be so finite and set in stone that you won't consider someone because they don't meet every single one of them? No. Maybe not even the majority of them, frankly. People are all different. And I've never believed in a soul mate - that perfect other half. I believe in the flaws of people. I believe in the realism of love. I believe it's messy and ugly sometimes. I believe it's always worth it.

My butch, for example, is horrible at giving me attention, and let me tell you, I can be a needy bitch. It's one of the main things I need. So, I have to ask her for it. So I have to tell her to pay attention to me when I need it. It's annoying sometimes. It's frustrating. Everything else she does for me makes up for that. So do I miss out on everything about her because she doesn't meet one of my major needs? No. I don't. I adjust. She adjusts. We live happy - we fight and we want to kill each other sometimes - but we live happy. And that's the thing - your happiness. That's what matters. If you happen to find it with someone you never thought you would then awesome!

So, to me, the only thing that should ever be set in stone is the horrible things you won't take - abuse, real neglect, cheating if that's a no no for you, etc. Everything else is a potential block to your happiness.

I say, for example, that I'd never date anyone with a horrible voice. That's just as bad. If my butch sounded like a squeaky toy I'd have missed out on almost four years of joy, and that would really have been a shame.

BullDog

01-14-2016, 12:17 PM

I have plenty of qualities that I like in a partner, boundaries, and the obvious things I wouldn't tolerate- drug abuse, dishonesty, etc, but I never had a whole list of things that someone had to meet or must meet 7 out of 10 or something. Obviously there are things that are really important and deal breakers, but really it's the interplay with someone- the chemistry, communication and how our qualities and values work together that tells me whether someone is potentially a good partner or not for me. I also could have never figured out in advance many of the ways that my partner and I click in addition to the things that I really wanted and needed in a partner. So I do think it is good to be clear on what you want and need, but not too rigid or you could miss out on someone special- however to each their own.

One other thing, in the opening post it talked about people perhaps "settling" or just deciding to go for comfortable co-existence because they were having a hard time finding someone who would meet all of their criteria. Why not just cultivate good friendships instead of thinking you have to compromise when it comes to a partner? They would still have the companionship wouldn't they? That's the part I really don't get.

imperfect_cupcake

01-14-2016, 10:54 PM

That really depends on the person, I think. I took it as those people who have actual limiting lists of mostly wants but even some needs. I have a friend, for example, who won't even consider short men. Ever. That's the kind of thing I think of.

Everyone has preferences. Everyone has the things they like. But to me, if you aren't open to people - even those that are different than what you want - and yes, even to some degree, what you think you need - then you're missing out on a an entire spectrum of people that could be some of the greatest joy in your life.

Should you know what you want and need? Most definitely. Should it be so finite and set in stone that you won't consider someone because they don't meet every single one of them? No. Maybe not even the majority of them, frankly. People are all different. And I've never believed in a soul mate - that perfect other half. I believe in the flaws of people. I believe in the realism of love. I believe it's messy and ugly sometimes. I believe it's always worth it.

My butch, for example, is horrible at giving me attention, and let me tell you, I can be a needy bitch. It's one of the main things I need. So, I have to ask her for it. So I have to tell her to pay attention to me when I need it. It's annoying sometimes. It's frustrating. Everything else she does for me makes up for that. So do I miss out on everything about her because she doesn't meet one of my major needs? No. I don't. I adjust. She adjusts. We live happy - we fight and we want to kill each other sometimes - but we live happy. And that's the thing - your happiness. That's what matters. If you happen to find it with someone you never thought you would then awesome!

So, to me, the only thing that should ever be set in stone is the horrible things you won't take - abuse, real neglect, cheating if that's a no no for you, etc. Everything else is a potential block to your happiness.

I say, for example, that I'd never date anyone with a horrible voice. That's just as bad. If my butch sounded like a squeaky toy I'd have missed out on almost four years of joy, and that would really have been a shame.

I don't think we are talking about the same things. I'm talking about through expereince in life of being extremely open to pretty much everything, knowing what hurts me as a person and doesn't add to who I am. What actually makes my life far more difficult and can make me ill. Many of those things will be perfectly tolerable to someone else. It's ok for me to have needs I've found through trial and error over 32 years of relationships. It doesn't make me a closed off person that misses out. It makes me a healthy person that respects my needs and limits. I'm 46. I've been challenged in relationships before and had to figure out how to make it work, I'm not 23. I understand the concept of effort, developing parts of self and meeting challenges.

But I've also learned that respecting my needs has made me far happier than putting my needs aside to stay in a relationship or be so open I was made of needs less and wantless vapour. I have a history of codependency. That means I had to learn that it's ok to have needs and wants. I'm coming from the *other* extreme. Not the extreme of lists like Kobi talks about. The extreme of nothing.

I'm trying to assert here, that learning that it's perfectly OK to have needs that are non negotiable is ok. And that having wants is ok. As women, many of us didn't learn that growing up. And finding that it's ok to have them is pretty damn important.

Like I said in my other posts - I came from being extremely open and had to learn things like: I'm a sub, I can't be with another sub. I also can't be with another femme in a long term relationship. I need lots of personal space. I deeply value my independence and need someone who isn't going to constantly chaLange me on that or I'll get depressed. I stuggle with atypical depression so my mental health comes before my partner. I need someone who will respect that I need time to care for myself. And that means leaving me the fuck alone for a while without argument. I cannot cope with people who are capricious and moody. Stuff like that. Needs. Some people are great with things I can't cope with. It's taken me literally decades to figure it out.

And it's healthy and ok to have those needs.

Violette

01-14-2016, 11:29 PM

I don't think we are talking about the same things. I'm talking about through expereince in life of being extremely open to pretty much everything, knowing what hurts me as a person and doesn't add to who I am. What actually makes my life far more difficult and can make me ill. Many of those things will be perfectly tolerable to someone else. It's ok for me to have needs I've found through trial and error over 32 years of relationships. It doesn't make me a closed off person that misses out. It makes me a healthy person that respects my needs and limits. I'm 46. I've been challenged in relationships before and had to figure out how to make it work, I'm not 23. I understand the concept of effort, developing parts of self and meeting challenges.

But I've also learned that respecting my needs has made me far happier than putting my needs aside to stay in a relationship or be so open I was made of needs less and wantless vapour. I have a history of codependency. That means I had to learn that it's ok to have needs and wants. I'm coming from the *other* extreme. Not the extreme of lists like Kobi talks about. The extreme of nothing.

I'm trying to assert here, that learning that it's perfectly OK to have needs that are non negotiable is ok. And that having wants is ok. As women, many of us didn't learn that growing up. And finding that it's ok to have them is pretty damn important.

Like I said in my other posts - I came from being extremely open and had to learn things like: I'm a sub, I can't be with another sub. I also can't be with another femme in a long term relationship. I need lots of personal space. I deeply value my independence and need someone who isn't going to constantly chaLange me on that or I'll get depressed. I stuggle with atypical depression so my mental health comes before my partner. I need someone who will respect that I need time to care for myself. And that means leaving me the fuck alone for a while without argument. I cannot cope with people who are capricious and moody. Stuff like that. Needs. Some people are great with things I can't cope with. It's taken me literally decades to figure it out.

And it's healthy and ok to have those needs.

Yes Yes Yes! Thank you, IC.

Grocery lists and understanding yourself well enough to know what is healthy for you and what is not are two separate things. We all have irreconcilable differences in all of our relationships if we go deep enough. And some of those are, or become too, unhealthy for one or both of the partners. Others are things/qualities you can live with. That's what time together reveals.