Relationships - What things do you want & need?

[Rogue]

What things do you need to make a relationship last? What things do you look for in a potential partner and why? What things will you NOT tolerate from a relationship?

For me.. relationships are alot of work.. and it takes 2 devoted people to work at it.. relationships are NOT one sided.. there is always 2 sides.. always 2 people (in most cases) *gryn and always twice the amount of work.. working toward life goals and decisions..

To make a relationship last I would require the following things..

* friendship
* open communication - keeps the relationship alive - ask for what you want and need from each other
* loyalty & trust - without this you don't have anything
* hard work and dedication - can lead to a lifetime of happiness
* faith - in the both of us that we are in this together for the long haul

I look for these things in a potential partner..

* friendship
* Love - because it is not just about the good times - love endures all
* Respect - because without it there can only be hurt and pain
* Honesty - because without that you don't have trust
* Trust - because you will make life decisions together or for each other and you have to trust in those decisions
* Monogamy - because I don't like to share emotionally
* Morals, Values & Integrity - because it shows true strength of character

I will NOT tolerate the following from a partner or a relationship..

* Dishonesty - because it hinders trust and you need that to succeed
* Cheating - because it hurts the soul and kills the love
* Disrespect - because it makes you feel belittled and used
* Abuse - in any form, be it, mental, physical, emotional etc. Because it is WRONG - and makes you feel unimportant and harms your sence of self worth

These are my thoughts and perceptions on potential partners and relationships.. I would like to hear your thoughts as well in case I have something new to learn or something new to add to my list..

I posted this some time ago on another site.. but thought it would do well here so I brought it over!

*hugs*
Rogue

[NotAnAverageGuy]

I will bite *nom nom*

friendship
honesty
trust
willing to look past my nasty faults
ability to help me take care of my animals with no complaints
and NO NO NO DRAMA

thats all I want

[evolveme]

1. I am only willing to tolerate bed hoggery so much. Then you gotta get your own sleeping arrangements.

2. Must be willing and happy to sleep in a cool environment. Not up for negotiation.

3. NOT a smacker.

4. Chatty behavior is generally frowned upon. Get to the point. Please and thank you.

5. Pick up your :sock:s.

6. Liberal politics a must.

7. You can be my Daddy but don't call me corny names.

8. It's alright to ask for what you need. In fact, it's mandatory.

Not a mind reader,

e

[Gemme]

My list of demands:

You must be a furnace in the winter and sleep on the other side of the bed in summer.

You must indulge my whims, no matter the origin.

You must tolerate a maximum of 2 minutes of whining before you gently remind me that I am, indeed, whining.

You must mind your manners, in all forms.

You must obey the laws of physics.

You must practice good hygiene regularly.

You must have a smartass sense of humor, otherwise I will eat you alive.

You must forgive me my sins, especially since you will be partaking in most of them.

You must not control me or try to fit me in a preconceived mold or some image of girlfriend past. I am me. Love me or leave me.

You must know yourself and speak your mind when necessary.

You must love the arts. Music, movies, dance, theatre, art, museums....I love them all. Oh, and the circus. You must love the circus.

You must be kind, because I am not. You must be gentle, for I've forgotten how. You must be patient, as I've never been. You must be calm, since I cannot be. You must be the up to my down and in to my out.

[evolveme]

Gemme,

Why is it necessary that they obey the laws of physics?

I mean, gravity I understand, but if inertia could somehow be avoided in an auto accident, I really think you should reconsider.

With you on the smartassitude. Don't want to have eat nobody alive.

e

[Gemme]

Gemme,

Why is it necessary that they obey the laws of physics?

I mean, gravity I understand, but if inertia could somehow be avoided in an auto accident, I really think you should reconsider.

With you on the smartassitude. Don't want to have eat nobody alive.

e

I was thinking more along the lines of each action having an equal but opposite reaction but yes, auto accidents are something to consider.

:deepthoughts:

If he could bend the laws of physics, how would I keep up with him? I stand by my previous statement, but allow for selfish reasoning.

Edit to previous list:

You must own lots of :duct: so that you can tape yourself into your seat in case of an auto accident.

[evolveme]

I was thinking more along the lines of each action having an equal but opposite reaction but yes, auto accidents are something to consider.

:deepthoughts:

If he could bend the laws of physics, how would I keep up with him? I stand by my previous statement, but allow for selfish reasoning.

Edit to previous list:

You must own lots of :duct: so that you can tape yourself into your seat in case of an auto accident.

Well, I see that I have been outwitted here.

I think I shall put a request into The Cosmic Waitress, however, that *I* be permitted to bend the laws of physics some time or another.

:duct: may do more harm than good,

e

[Queerasfck]

Edit to previous list:

You must own lots of :duct: so that you can tape yourself into your seat in case of an auto accident.

Your duct tape looked like toilet paper. Just sayin......

[blush]

I need someone who can make some kickin' French toast.

[Gemme]

Well, I see that I have been outwitted here.

I think I shall put a request into The Cosmic Waitress, however, that *I* be permitted to bend the laws of physics some time or another.

:duct: may do more harm than good,

e

Outwitted? Nah. I'm just lazier than you.



Your duct tape looked like toilet paper. Just sayin......

I suppose, but I've never wiped my tush with gray toilet paper before, so I wouldn't have thought that.

[evolveme]

I need someone who can make some kickin' French toast.

Oooo, that is a plus.

Cook. You must be able to cook.

EZ would have thought this -->:sock: looked like toilet paper. (He wears thick glasses for a reason.)

e

[MrSunshine]

:sock: <-------thought that was an ass :sock:

[Hudson]

:sock: <-------thought that was an ass :sock:


thought it was a blue dolphin

[Mister Bent]

<snip>

Cook. You must be able to cook.

e

Phew.

Just made it under the wire.

*smack smack*

[blush]

Cook. You must be able to cook.

e

Right? I'll put up with all kinds of tomfoolery if they can do more than boil water.

[blush]

:sock: I thought it was a boomerang.

[MizzSabra]

I wrote this letter to the Universe on Aug 10th.....Sept 9th I met mi amore. I wasn't going to settle again.

:love1:

I want someone emotionally available, semi-sane, communicative (without over processing), some form of income (don't have to be rich, but able to pay own bills), plays hard, works hard and still can chill in the house or yard for the day. Not a heavy drinker or addicted. If you are in recovery, awesome, but please be in recovery for a minimum of 5 years. I'm not a heavy drinker (less than once a month), I do smoke pot (mostly for body pain and insomnia) and cigarettes (I am a polite smoker).

I don't necessarily want to live together, space is good. I want someone who I can talk to when I've had a great day or a shitty day and won't be "bothered" with all that. I want someone to share my life with and visa-versa. I want to love and be loved. I don't need another child, I already raised mine, so if you are looking for a Mommy, it's not me. Someone who can appreciate all my Virgo quirks. Someone who can appreciate all (or at least some) my different sides. Someone who loves the outdoors as much as I do (or somewhere close to how much I love the outdoors). Someone who loves animals, but not too much. I'm at my dyke limit of animals right now. ;) Someone who isn't going to be intimidated by my large collection of power tools. Someone who isn't intimidated by my strength or my weaknesses. Someone who can show emotion. Someone who is kinky or semi-kinky. Someone who can take me in their arms and tell me that they love me. Someone who isn't intimidated by my height and the fact that I love to wear 3 inch heels when I got out. Someone who isn't intimidated by my butch/ftm friends/Unkles. Someone who isn't intimidated by my gayboy friends. Someone who wants to get their hands dirty in the garden with me (or at least pretend you like to get your hands dirty) and appreciate the fruits of our labor. Someone not already in a relationship!

This person is butch or FTM and a top. Switchy is ok too, but not all the time. ;)

Are you this person or do you know someone like this and can handle a 6' tall blonde amazon?

[evolveme]

:sock: I thought it was a boomerang.

Whatever it is, it is SO freakin' cute!

[evolveme]

Right? I'll put up with all kinds of tomfoolery if they can do more than boil water.

No joke, sister.

I may even reconsider how much chit-chatting I will allow.

Maybe.


:chef:s do it best,

e

[MizzSabra]

<snippitysnip>

:chef:s do it best,

e

Yes we do.

:rubberducky: Whoot! Rubber duckie for me! :D

[evolveme]

Yes we do.

:rubberducky: Whoot! Rubber duckie for me! :D

I know I said it privately, but I wanted to say here to:

I love your love story.

:rose:

[JustLovelyJenn]

You know, this list has changed a lot lately... I finally figured out how much I like being myself. How much I can do all on my own without anyone beside me. When I gained that self confidence... a lot of my desires about the people I involve in my life changed.

NOW...

I want someone who loves me unconditionally for exactly who I am.

Someone who is willing to support me in my endeavors and is willing to be supported in theirs.

Of course the love of my children is a must.

But also the love of children in general. In particular, a willingness to be involved in the lives of teenagers, since I intend to be a High School Choir teacher by the time I get where I'm going.

I want to be able to share moments of difference. Coming together to learn the things the other can teach. Its become more important to me that we are different then the same. There is always common ground if there is love in your heart. But I need someone who loves themselves and is passionate about their life, and lets me be the same way about mine.

I guess, most importantly... I need that tingling feeling, to quote one of my favorite movies (brownie points if you get this) I want the "foot poppin' kiss".

[Mister Bent]

No joke, sister.

I may even reconsider how much chit-chatting I will allow.

Maybe.


:chef:s do it best,

e

Keep talking like that and I'll show you what's under my :sock:

[Gemme]

Whatever it is, it is SO freakin' cute!

It's. A. Sock.

:sock: <----sock

:freak:

[Dragonfly]

In order of priority I NEED relationship-wise:

Time to really think about this list and come back to edit when I am actually ready to be looking for someone

Honesty~ not kidding I need like 98% or more sincerity even if negative

COMPASSIONATE~ I dont like meanies to anyone anywhere

Love Animals and Kids~ but not too much or in a gross way

Sense of Humor~ cause I am a nerdy dork

Emotionally balanced~ and in tune/ harmony w them

Romantic~ showing how well you know me occasionally not often

Sexually open mouthed~ as in wanting to talk about it not just willing

Conversational~ Starts up a convo with me about something, anything, they are interested in talking about


**Read to me and genuinely like music and art... they are a bonus that gets me to give out bonuses!



*** Everything else would fall into place cause I like to compromise, it makes me feel successful.

[T4Texas]

I would want someone who is honest and who can appreciate my brand of honesty which includes telling you things you may not want to hear. I feel if you are both on the same page, you should be able to do that without one or the other feeling offended. Loyalty is also high on the list. When I partner with someone, they are it, there is no other person or reasons for me to stray. If you feel the need to do those things, then finish up your business first and then you can feel free to play. *note this applies to monagamous relationships and I do realize there are many folks who prefer other types of relationships so thats up to them to decide what rules apply to them. Trust is paramount, because if you have no trust you basically have nothing.
Now with all the big important things said, I also would like someone who can cook at least a little bit. (having lived with someone before who couldn't and finding it was a royal pain, this altered my ideas about domesticity.) I also need someone who can have an intelligent conversation. You don't have to be Einstein, but I can converse on a wide range of subjects and like someone similar. My partner of choice is femme. There are no exceptions to that and she also has to be someone who can accept and appreciate my perversions. Last but not least, I have always had two rules of thumb for dating. You must have a job and a place to live. I know that might seem a bit much as not all people can meet that criteria, but to me it shows some attempt at being responsible if you can achieve those things. Its a short list and I believe you can work around most things that come up and find a happy medium most of the time if you care enough for the person. We all have to remember that relationships are a lot of work and both parties have to do the work, not just one.

[Random]

For me?


Honesty.. Blunt, Painful, No holding back for any reason... No half truths to save my feelings, or make you look better... Honestly, it's a reflex.. You lie to me or omit part of the truth, and part of my heart starts slamming doors..

In this.. I am the least judgmental person you will ever meet.. Did time? fine, sold drugs? ok, Was a junkie? Me TOO!! Walked the stroll? Ran a stable? Did you enjoy it or was it something to survive..

The only thing that's going to get the door completly slammed is a liking for 12 yr old girls/boys and a thrill when kicking puppies...

Confident in who you are... There is a strength that comes from knowing who you are and liking yourself.. Something that the world can't touch.. I find that someone who has this belive in themself doesn't feel like my reactions have anything to do with them.. lol.. until I tell them.. I like that.. a lot..

Has to be a communicater... I'm a gemini.. I really do want to hear about your crappy day, how you watched a dragonfly for 20 mins... why you liked that movie or book...why you feel the way you do... Honestly.. with me.. there is no such thing as over processing.. Well, until it starts going in a circle and is non productive.. but don't worry.. I will tell you when that starts happening...

Trust... Even when you know you are going to get hurt.. that more than likely, I am going to hurt you... A thick skin and a stout heart..

Submissive but not a doormat.. There is nothing sweeter than a strong confident butch looking me in the eyes and saying they are mine.. Someone who says *Yes, Dear* most of the time, but if they reach a hard line for them.. Then it's *No, Dear*... mmmmmm tasty....

A Poly Heart.. This is massivly important.. even if our relationship is a closed one... There has to be a possiblility of the relationship being open if desired..

Understand.. truely understand that I am a sadistic stone leaning switch... If I am in Top mode, then I have no desire to be touched and there is going to be pain invoved on your part... If I am in sub mode, then I have no desire to touch sexualy, no desire to cause pain.... Did I say that I was a gemini? Lol

[hippieflowergirl]

i dont want to be string beans. i want to be dessert.*

i dont want to be a guilty pleasure. i want to be an every day phenomenon.

i dont want to be someone You turn to. i want to be the one You turn to.

i dont want to be treated as though i'm precious or fragile. i want you to sink your teeth into my very real vulnerability and own it savagely, in the same way You own Your own soul.

i am not a princess. that doesnt mean You cant treat me like one on occasion.

i dont want a Love who has no weakness and no tender places. i want a Love who knows that my own little ways and means are strong enough to bolster His momentary hesitation, soothe His deepest hurts, and support His wildest dreams...all without breaking a sweat....or a nail. i also want Him to know...at the cellular level...that i would willingly claw my way through cement to keep Him from harm.

i do not want, need or even desire perfection. i want humanity in abundance, unraveled feelings and confusing discussions and uninhibited tears and laughter and honesty of the brutal variety. i want to hold hands when discussing disappointment and frustration. i want to curl into His shoulder when crying over disappointments and anger. i want to be invited to be flawed and not discounted for it.

i want to feed His body, His desires, His mind and His soul with the poetry of food, fantasy, philosophy and infinity. i do not want to be "all" that He needs. i want to stand, complete in myself, hand in hand with all that He is.


*(long story)

[Gemme]

I need plenty of breathing space and my honey to have the patience of a saint while I struggle with the inevitable issues that I have been and will continue to struggle with all of my life. Though we are both very human and fallible, I think I'm pretty lucky in this department. :stillheart:

[Blade]

Perfectly said Ms. Rogue perfectly!

What things do you need to make a relationship last? What things do you look for in a potential partner and why? What things will you NOT tolerate from a relationship?

For me.. relationships are alot of work.. and it takes 2 devoted people to work at it.. relationships are NOT one sided.. there is always 2 sides.. always 2 people (in most cases) *gryn and always twice the amount of work.. working toward life goals and decisions..

To make a relationship last I would require the following things..

* friendship
* open communication - keeps the relationship alive - ask for what you want and need from each other
* loyalty & trust - without this you don't have anything
* hard work and dedication - can lead to a lifetime of happiness
* faith - in the both of us that we are in this together for the long haul

I look for these things in a potential partner..

* friendship
* Love - because it is not just about the good times - love endures all
* Respect - because without it there can only be hurt and pain
* Honesty - because without that you don't have trust
* Trust - because you will make life decisions together or for each other and you have to trust in those decisions
* Monogamy - because I don't like to share emotionally
* Morals, Values & Integrity - because it shows true strength of character

I will NOT tolerate the following from a partner or a relationship..

* Dishonesty - because it hinders trust and you need that to succeed
* Cheating - because it hurts the soul and kills the love
* Disrespect - because it makes you feel belittled and used
* Abuse - in any form, be it, mental, physical, emotional etc. Because it is WRONG - and makes you feel unimportant and harms your sence of self worth

These are my thoughts and perceptions on potential partners and relationships.. I would like to hear your thoughts as well in case I have something new to learn or something new to add to my list..

I posted this some time ago on another site.. but thought it would do well here so I brought it over!

*hugs*
Rogue

[Jet]

Someone who is secure in their sexuality and sticks with it.

I never saw this thread until now.

[Strappie]

I "want" to be happy... but "need" a girl *smirk*

[LieslKate]

I need someone who can make some kickin' French toast.

I make kick-ass french toast... stuffed sometimes too! Serve it with real butter and warmed maple syrup with lil sausages and bacon on the side... and I have references for it's yummability !

:chef:

[Jet]

I make kick-ass french toast... stuffed sometimes too! Serve it with real butter and warmed maple syrup with lil sausages and bacon on the side... and I have references for it's yummability !

:chef:

Marry me.....

[Just_G]

In any relationship, whether it be with friends or a possible partner, I first and foremost must have trust and honesty. If I can't trust someone, they can't get close to me and I cannot open up to them, and vice versa. I love having healthy, positive, fun people in my life....I refuse to let the unhealthy ones in my life.

When it comes to finding a partner, humor is a MUST for me! I would like to have some things in common, but we don't have to have EVERYTHING in common. I like to do my own thing on occasion, whether it is a boy's night out or hanging with my sister. I also like it when they have things that they want to and can do without me being there all the time.

I would like to have a family. It is just my mom, my sister, and I (and I work with my dad), and I hope that whomever I meet has a family that is welcoming and accepting of our relationship. The possiblility of kids is also something to consider, but the older I get, the less likely that is to happen.

My last gf was what I would consider too time consuming...and perhaps I felt that way because she was not the one. I don't have to be with someone 24/7, but when the right one comes along, I might feel differently. Though I don't ever see myself being the 24/7 kinda guy. I like my ME time....my tool time that settles my mind and makes me productive.

[LieslKate]

Marry me.....

hmmmmmmmm maybe... :innocent: grits with that roasted peach and pecan stuffed french toast?

[Sachita]

I use to have a list. It included everything Rogue had on her list and probably a few more things. I spent most of my adult life single. At first it was my choice because I looked around me and didnt see anything about a relationship I wanted for my life. The couples I knew were fighting and the often had secrets. The expectations within a relationship were just too much for me.

Eventually I got around to giving it a roll. I had some good ones, really bad ones and to be honest a list didnt mean anything. In my last relationship, it was awful and it kept me down for a few years but as I look back I see how much it taught me and prepared me for the love of my life.

Today I want someone that is mature, intelligent and compassionate towards humans and animals. Someone that sees the big picture and isnt going to get caught up in the small shit. That if we dont agree, thats ok, we move on and if we fight, thats ok too as long as we stay focused on the big picture.

Today I will not settle for less then I know I deserve and I refuse to be in a relationship just because I'm lonely. Today I want a partner in life and not just a lustful interlude.

I know he will make mistakes and I also know sometimes we'll go in separate directions/paths for a while just as long as we come back around and remember why we got together in the first place.

I am convinced that the secret to a really great relationship is to be commitment in each others happiness. That each day you put your selfishness aside and find ways to make each other happy. It can be anything but the day you dont want to do things to make them happy is the day it begins to fall apart.

[Blade]

Wise wise Lady


I am convinced that the secret to a really great relationship is to be commitment in each others happiness. That each day you put your selfishness aside and find ways to make each other happy. It can be anything but the day you dont want to do things to make them happy is the day it begins to fall apart.

[suebee]

I guess there are some basic things we all want in a partner, otherwise it's just being with someone because we don't want to be alone. But what I've learned over the years is that it's the person's soul I fall in love with. Pretty much everything else is negotiable.

[Sachita]

I guess there are some basic things we all want in a partner, otherwise it's just being with someone because we don't want to be alone. But what I've learned over the years is that it's the person's soul I fall in love with. Pretty much everything else is negotiable.

For me this is true. Anyone I've ever been with I knew instantly. In fact I can sometimes see a name, never meet someone face to face but somehow know they will be in my life even if just passing through. I've always had this. The only difference today, for me is that I dont try and project shit that isnt there. When you're younger you fall in lust and your mind starts creating a relationship based on what you need and desire. You build this perfect love in your mind & heart then when they fall short you're disappointed and its downhill from there.

My honey is a man in every sense of the word. If you asked me 10 years ago if I'd ever date a man I'd laugh at you. In fact my family thought I was teasing them at first. But you see that isnt an issue here because right away we made a soulful connection, not based on what we had or what gender we are. Now it did scare the shit out of us because we had never done that before, quite like that but as we talked, learned more about how compatible we are the more drawn we were to be together.

You can have all the lust and fireworks in the world but if you're not on the same page you'll struggle. I could have enjoyed him, the ride but I partner with him because we share the same moral convictions, lifestyle interest, animals, spiritual, etc. We are almost the same in many ways yet different and definitely a masculine/feminine dynamic which is important to both of us. In fact essential.

For me it has to make sense. Otherwise I'm happy to love someone, laugh with them and be close without sharing my life. Sharing my life, a marriage, etc. requires a hearty foundation.

[Soft*Silver]

I use to have this laundry list of what I looked for in someone. It started it out with the "givens"..honesty, faithfulness, emotionally available, sober, good conversationalist, responsible, financially secure, developmentally mature, good hygiene, accepting of my daughter, understands my love of horses, and of course, trustworthy.

I have dated people who were not those things...in one or more ways. I thought that I could ignore these characteristics I desired or I thought they had the potential for these things and in time would come around to them.

I was just plain stupid in thinking that! But until recently, I was angry at them for not meeting up with my desires.

Fairly recently I have pretty much decided that the real answer lies in me. I need to be all of the above and not quiver away from it when the other person doesnt seem to fit. Its ME that doesnt fit them! ME!

So, I have worked hard at making sure I am secure in myself and that I have myself, what characteristics I want in someone else.

right now I have a LDR with a very nice guy. We are moving very slowly...very very slowly....meaning no geographic changes, and no making decisions in our personal lives based on the other person. We love and care for the other...but we both are working on ourselves. Until we are ready, we simply arent ready for the Big Stuff.

So...what I needed in someone, was for them not to grab for the brass ring when the ride just started. What I needed was to have that brass ring and enjoy it and wait awhile befire I am willing to share it with someone else, and not just give them a free ride.

What I want, is to live happily ever after...and what I know, is I am doing that..with or without someone. I am the only one who can make me happy. Me. Someone can match me, like a twin, in happiness but I am not relying on anyone again, to do for me what I need to do for myself.

I am so much calmer nowadays...lol.

[Just_G]

I have never been the type that can't live happily unless partnered with someone...quite the opposite really. I will admit that I have gotten into a couple of relationships that I knew in my heart wouldn't work out....as my gut is never wrong....but when all of my friends are coupled and I was the only single going to all the events with them, it got old, so I thought I could make something work with someone. WRONGO G!

I have learned that I would rather be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong ones.

Sachita is the one that mentioned secrets I believe (without going back and looking..correct me if I am wrong), and while I think everyone has skeletons in their closets, myself included, I think that secrets in relationships do not work out in the end. I try to be an open book to everyone I know...within limits of course, but I don't want secrets to come between us. Feelings get hurt, resentment starts, trust is damaged, and those are all things that are hard to overcome and move on from....yet they are all things that you need in any kind of relationship. One of my exes kept some things from me that my friends knew about, and after the break up, they all came to me and told me they knew...which then made me resent them in a way because they didn't come to me sooner. I thought my friends were supposed to be there for me....not just after the fact, but when it went down so that I didn't get hurt to begin with. I had to distance myself from them and when I see them out, they want to act like nothing is wrong and hang out like before.

My grandma always said, "secrets don't make friends". Wise woman! So, I don't think secrets have any room in a relationship.

[bigbutchmistie]

As others have stated I make myself happy. And I do enjoy my alone tiime, as well. That being said when I seek a partner I seek for starters basic things I need just for a friendship. I dont want someone in my life that isnt honest and who I cant trust. That being said here are the other things on my list per say :

Loyalty. Has staying power through good times and bad.

Able to laugh

Communication. Can talk to her about anything

Someone my age or older

Someone who lives in Dallas/Fort Worth

Someone who can accept the fact that I do not have family.

Someone who like me doesnt have or doesnt want kids

Someone who doesnt have cats

Very Affectionate

Passionate

Romantic

Nurturing

Sensitive

Someone who will attend services with me

Financially Secure

Good Hygeine

Kind to animals, kids and older people

Someone who is monogamous


What I will not tolerate is:

Lying

Cheating

Abuse of any kind emotional or physical

[Jet]

As others have stated I make myself happy. And I do enjoy my alone tiime, as well. That being said when I seek a partner I seek for starters basic things I need just for a friendship. I dont want someone in my life that isnt honest and who I cant trust. That being said here are the other things on my list per say :

Loyalty. Has staying power through good times and bad.

Able to laugh

Communication. Can talk to her about anything

Someone my age or older

Someone who lives in Dallas/Fort Worth

Someone who can accept the fact that I do not have family.

Someone who like me doesnt have or doesnt want kids

Someone who doesnt have cats

Very Affectionate

Passionate

Romantic

Nurturing

Sensitive

Someone who will attend services with me

Financially Secure

Good Hygeine

Kind to animals, kids and older people

Someone who is monogamous


What I will not tolerate is:

Lying

Cheating

Abuse of any kind emotional or physical

nice thoughts Misty. do they have to be good lookin? otherwise i was going to fly down and take you out to dinner, lol

[Jet]

hmmmmmmmm maybe... :innocent: grits with that roasted peach and pecan stuffed french toast?

have to pass on the grits, darlin'

[Semantics]

1. Should have the ability to cock one eyebrow at me.
2. Must like children, animals, and plants.
3. I’ll share my closet but not my bookshelf. Bring your own.
4. I don't mind weird but I don't do well with inconsistent.
5. Should be non-religious.
6. Unwillingness to let me push the cart in the grocery store is a deal breaker.
7. Never, ever compare my Italian Greyhound to a rat.

[bigbutchmistie]

I should add to mine :)

Someone who is a complete girly girl. But who isnt materialistic or stuck up.

Down to earth, and funny, kind and sweet. Someone with a huge heart like mine...

I love to spoil and pamper my partner. Someone who loves it but doesnt expect it.

[LieslKate]

I "want" to be happy... but "need" a girl *smirk*

Dammit you haven't found one yet???????? What are all those Minnesotaaaa grrlies thinking????

:lips:

[LieslKate]

have to pass on the grits, darlin'

NO grits??????????? Ohhhhhhhhhhh wait you are a GA transplant... skip the grits... how about lots of good, dark coffee with real cream??

[LieslKate]

A well seasoned Butch... confident, comfy in their own skin, must LOVE sex, monogamous, a sense of humour, adores Femmes, snogging and has not forgotten how to play... in every sense of the word !

[bigbutchmistie]

I forgot to add. A girly girl that accepts the fact that I am trans.

[apretty]

1. Should have the ability to cock one eyebrow at me.
2. Must like children, animals, and plants.
3. I’ll share my closet but not my bookshelf. Bring your own.
4. I don't mind weird but I don't do well with inconsistent.
5. Should be non-religious.
6. Unwillingness to let me push the cart in the grocery store is a deal breaker.
7. Never, ever compare my Italian Greyhound to a rat.

great list!

[SouthernStud]

i would make a negotiation on the cooking part...ill be ya cookin daddy if u do the cleanin!!! Now it wouldnt be exactly fair for me to do all the work....and that includes ALL aspects...not just cookin and cleanin!!! Use ur brains for just a moment...ahhh it just dawned on u what i was saying. Thats right,i said it...if i can cook for my woman and occasionally clean,then u can save a horse and ride a cowboy...cuz thats just SEXY AS FUK!!!!! :tease:

[little_ms_sunshyne]

Hmmmm...Hadnt seen this thread...

Wants & Needs

~ A great sense of humor (although I am pretty easy to make laugh)

~ Optimisitc

~ A warm smile

~ Kind to others

~ Telling Eyes

~ A nice bottom lip that I can tug on when we kiss

~ Ambitious

~ Someone who is not afraid to take control...

~but can sit back and watch me when I decide to...

~ Gentleman

~Passionate, Lustful, and Loving (yes rolled up into one)

~ Someone I can drive nuts on a regular basis :)

Is this too much to ask for?? lol Oh and if they are my height or taller a plus :) Ok done...just saying..We can dream right?

[nicetgurl_30]

Let's see I'm older now so:

Honest
Family-centered
Sense of humor
Likes God
Playful "trying new things"
Has a job
Likes artsy things
And my obsessive need to practice tantric things
*stayin in bed on rainin days ( I have no tv in bedroom) u get the hint...
Communicate To Me

[Soft*Silver]

I have learned so much about myself this year!

I learned I need to be the Dominant in a relationship.

I learned I need to be in a female run relationship...meaning regardless of what gender I date, *I* am the one who leads in the dance

I learned I need to be the lead in bed too. And I need to be with someone I can reciprocate sex with. While I have enjoyed my time with Stone Butches, I know to be sexually satisfied, I need to be the one giving. And if *I* feel like it, he can give back.

I learned I need this to be a 24/7 in and out of bed

I learned I am not shy sexually and certainly not submissive. Assertive doesnt even begin to define what I am in this realm and trying to be anything different (a role I was taught to play from childhood) just wasnt working for me

I learned that I am still coming into myself and am single for this reason. I dont want to mull it over while engaging with the energy of another person.

[Blaze]

I am at the 3/4 part of my life.
I really don't have expectations anymore.
I do want to have the freedom to do what makes me happy.
As I would give you the same respect to have happiness.
I don't want to have a list anymore, to much paper work to keep up with.
I would like the respect part of the relationship to be there.
I guess basically what I'm saying is when the right person comes along.
It's most fitting to say both will be different, and it's up to the both of you
to establish a well balanced relationship. You can't change anyone, nor expect them to change, because it's what you want.
As relationships grow, we to change, and sometimes the change is together, other times there changes that are apart.
If you grow apart, it's okay, because we all move at our own pace. Only then will you know if you can go on together or it's time to seperate.
Which ever it is. The love and respect will always be there. Because no only were you lovers, but you are best friends, and friends are there no matter if your up or down.
Once again, no more expectations in my life... Live hard, live fully, open your eyes...........

[SouthernStud]

Hmmmm...Hadnt seen this thread...

Wants & Needs

~ A great sense of humor (although I am pretty easy to make laugh)

~ Optimisitc

~ A warm smile

~ Kind to others

~ Telling Eyes

~ A nice bottom lip that I can tug on when we kiss

~ Ambitious

~ Someone who is not afraid to take control...

~but can sit back and watch me when I decide to...

~ Gentleman

~Passionate, Lustful, and Loving (yes rolled up into one)

~ Someone I can drive nuts on a regular basis :)

Is this too much to ask for?? lol Oh and if they are my height or taller a plus :) Ok done...just saying..We can dream right?
Hmmmmm.... *thinks to self* :deepthoughts: ....ummmm how tall are u exactly??? :tease:

[girl_dee]

at the risk of sounding needy I would rather say is that I do best with someone who is not afraid and can handle me! Someone who wants the same things in life as I do, someone who is not afraid to lock the chains to me...someone who is not afraid to cage me. Someone who is interested enough to see past the crap and to the next layer. Someone who is not afraid to give me what I really need especially when I need it. Someone who is real and lives and walks their own truth. Someone who is not afraid to tell me what they need and want. Someone who challenges me and puts me in my place when I push the line. Someone who is tender when it's needed and also throw me to my knees when it's time.. Someone who is not afraid to commit and capable of loving themselves enough to take care of themselves.. someone who takes responsibility seriously and acts accordingly. Someone who I can't live without. Someone willing to walk the walk... not just talk the talk.

and oh, must love dogs.

[Luckydwg07]

a brainy & sensual femme who can think on many levels.
its ok not to agree however people who discount ideas without exploring them bother me

[Gráinne]

Not looking, but this comes to mind:

*All the character traits everyone says-honesty, responsible, committed to personal growth, etc.

*Great sense of humor. Don't ever go with someone who can't make you laugh.

*Likes pets and kids

*Lots of interests (and hopefully share some of mine)

*Likes to get out of the house on weekends. Bonus for getting out of the country ;).

*Likes to read and discuss books

*Physically active. Don't have to be ripped, but working on themselves is nice.

*Not extreme when it comes to religion or politics

*Gets along well with other people-likes friends. Not necessarily outgoing or the "life of the party", but someone who likes people.

*Sensual and very sexual. Romantic in that she does little things, not necessarily candy and flowers type stuff.

[girl_dee]

i want the real deal, a real life, not a life made up on a computer or layers of saccharin under what is actually a non-existence. i don't want to have to make it up and cover so that people don't know the real deal, i want to enjoy life and although i love the internet, i do not want to maintain a relationship there. i want to know that everyday is solid and secure with someone who doesn't need me to complete them or make them look good, because they look pretty damn good on their own.

My needs are water and air, the rest are wants and desires..

Thank you UNIVERSE!

[Metro]

"i want the real deal... i want to know that everyday is solid and secure with someone who doesn't need me to complete them or make them look good, because they look pretty damn good on their own."


I agree with Dee...

And, while it's nice to have an online space to vent, or share, or provide others with positive written support, for me I've found that too much is missed online (both physical and verbal cues) when trying to sort out any kind of romantic connection. I salute those who can make it *work* but for me geographic proximity is necessary.

[Scuba]

...Someone who knows that relationships are not part-time jobs. Not ready for a full-time position? Apply somewhere else :)

[BullDog]

Exactly what I have right now. She is kind, loving, honest, funny as hell, extremely smart, very beautiful and sexy, she puts a priority on Us, our values and outlook on life are very complimentary. I have everything I could ever want and need for the rest of my life.

[girl_dee]

I agree with Dee...

And, while it's nice to have an online space to vent, or share, or provide others with positive written support, for me I've found that too much is missed online (both physical and verbal cues) when trying to sort out any kind of romantic connection. I salute those who can make it *work* but for me geographic proximity is necessary.


me too, for ME that is the only way to know someone..

[PurpleQuestions84]

* Lots of affection

* honesty

* a person who is really on my team and supportive of my goals

* you cant be abusive
JUST SIMPLY CARE

[luv2luvgirls]

...Someone who knows that relationships are not part-time jobs. Not ready for a full-time position? Apply somewhere else :)

I lol on this but its so true! well put scuba

[Tcountry]

...someone who completes me body, mind, and soul
...who loves being affectionate almost always, and understands when I choose not to be
...someone who accepts me for who I am, and gets to know my entire history
...has a good character, and gets my sense of humor
...smart and can call me out on my shit, but isn't above my cheezy flirting
...wants to communicate often, and can focus just on the issue when there is an issue...to solve it and then let it go
...oh & cooking is a plus...cause my skills are limited :)

*tip hat*

[StrongButch]

Patient,caring,kind,supportive,strong not afraid to love and be loved.I am lucky to have this and so much more.

[alexri]

I need balance. I need balance between me time and time with a partner. I need stability. I need loyalty. I need the comfort of routine, with the occasional excitement of something new and different.

For me, I think the most wonderful example of a healthy relationship is the Triquetra. It is a balance of individuality and unity, looking at how the three arms are connected.

You are one arm, your partner is the other arm, and the relationship is the third arm. The relationship exists independently of you and your partner and has it's own energy and presence. You and your partner do not give up your individuality. The two of you do not merge into one person, but are connected to something important. And all three are interconnected. I also see it as a sign that when one arm is struggling, the other two can support it.

I know this symbol has so many meanings to so many people, practices and faiths. It just means a lot to me and this is one of the insights for me.

http://i1268.photobucket.com/albums/jj569/alexrunsraces/trinityknot_zpse1b89823.jpg

[AzAshburn]

I don't need a perfect partner.. I just need someone who loves me deeply, understands me well, be loyal to me and most of all, accepts me as I am.. Someone who will not take me for a ride and leave me stranded in the middle of the road.. btw I have written a poem..just to share :)

Where Is That Special Someone?

There is someone that I would yearn to find,
Someone that would be able to read my complicated mind,
Someone that would make my heart beats fast,
Someone that would make forget me about the painful past,
Someone that would make me dare not to speak into her eyes,
Someone that would teach me the purest meaning of sacrifice,
Someone that would make me feel the time that flies is never enough,
Someone that would make me feel so loved with her sacred touch,
Someone that would make me calm by just looking at her face,
Someone that would make my life full of grace,
Someone that would melt my ego just with her simple smile,
Someone that would make me so close to her instead of the thousand miles,
Someone that would never leave me alone through my thick and thin,
Someone that would always be in my sweetest dream,
Someone that would make me feel brand new every day,
Someone that would always stand by my side no matter come what may,

Where Is That Special Someone?

[wahya]

Understanding, patience, and must LOVE affection. All the rest are givens. Oh forgot must laugh at MOST of my corny jokes. Lol

[kittygrrl]

don't lie to yourself or me

[Library_girl]

Affection, honesty, good conversations, fidelity, support of my life and my choices, sense of humor, intelligence, love, passion, stability, open-mindedness, in no certain order........

[oboejive]

I have been with my partner over 5 years. I love her dearly, we live together, and she is caring, compassionate, and supportive. However, we are both really busy as well. She works 60 hours a week (give or take), and I work 40 hours, am in school online, and I perform in local GLBT wind ensemble here in South Florida. Well, I wanted everyone's take on this. For those of you who have been in long-term relationships/partnerships, do you ever experience lesbian bed death? Or a lack of sex? I have a sex drive, but my partner claims she has none now, and I don't even remember the last time we had sex. Does this happen a lot? I guess that sex is something I need too, and we've talked about marriage, but we are having difficulties getting around the whole sex thing. Thoughts?

[*Anya*]

I have been with my partner over 5 years. I love her dearly, we live together, and she is caring, compassionate, and supportive. However, we are both really busy as well. She works 60 hours a week (give or take), and I work 40 hours, am in school online, and I perform in local GLBT wind ensemble here in South Florida. Well, I wanted everyone's take on this. For those of you who have been in long-term relationships/partnerships, do you ever experience lesbian bed death? Or a lack of sex? I have a sex drive, but my partner claims she has none now, and I don't even remember the last time we had sex. Does this happen a lot? I guess that sex is something I need too, and we've talked about marriage, but we are having difficulties getting around the whole sex thing. Thoughts?

The phrase lesbian bed death always makes me touchy.

I might be sensitive to it, being a lesbian and all...

I believe that all relationships go through periods of time when sex may wax and wane.

I was married to a bio man in my early 20's that had virtually zero sex drive, so I try not to generalize.

My GF and I will be be together 2 years in the beginning of December.

Did we have way more sex in the first 8-12 months; yes. Absolutely.

After that, it did fall off. I think that between my very demanding job and hers, we let life get in the way.

Then she got laid off and I know that affected her libido.

I know folks in their 80's and 90's still have sexual relationships but I am sure it is not nightly, either.

I know I had a much greater libido until after I had a total hysterectomy.

50% of a woman's testosterone is produced by her ovaries. If ovaries are removed, one will have a marked drop in testosterone. At least with menopause, the drop is more gradual than immediate.

The point that I am making is that life stressors, unverbalized anger or irritation with a partner or medical reasons or not putting the effort into ensuring a sexual relationship is maintained; can affect a sexual relationship.

About 3 months ago we both decided that it was not acceptable to let our sex life slide. Even with love, I believe that good sex is the glue of a relationship.

We make dates at least once per week to have sex. Regardless of what is going on! You know something, we always get in the mood and are always so glad and happy that we did.

We made a commitment to each other to not let it slide again. We really try to be open and honest about how we are feeling, even if it is difficult or makes us feel vulnerable or embarrassed.

It is really critical to be able to communicate about this.

I hope this helps a little.

Good luck.

[Martina]

I have been with my partner over 5 years. I love her dearly, we live together, and she is caring, compassionate, and supportive. However, we are both really busy as well. She works 60 hours a week (give or take), and I work 40 hours, am in school online, and I perform in local GLBT wind ensemble here in South Florida. Well, I wanted everyone's take on this. For those of you who have been in long-term relationships/partnerships, do you ever experience lesbian bed death? Or a lack of sex? I have a sex drive, but my partner claims she has none now, and I don't even remember the last time we had sex. Does this happen a lot? I guess that sex is something I need too, and we've talked about marriage, but we are having difficulties getting around the whole sex thing. Thoughts?

If you do not plan to have an open relationship, I would not consider marrying someone who is sexually incompatible. I understand that five years together is a lot of time and a lot of love. I am not saying break up now or anything, but do not get married. I have seen so many sexual partners of asexual people become depressed and unhappy.

[SleepyButch]

In a relationship.....

I need someone who is not constantly on their phone looking at facebook , email, texting, google hotspot or whatever. I used to be that person and have seen it in someone I was with as well. I think that is so annoying!

I need someone who loves dogs.

I need someone who is affectionate. I crave touch and want to touch. It feeds my soul.

I need honesty and open communication. How can you have a relationship without these?

I need someone who is not already married in any way, shape, or form, whether you consider yourself queer or not.

I'm sure there are a lot of other things but that's it for now.

[Gráinne]

I have been with my partner over 5 years. I love her dearly, we live together, and she is caring, compassionate, and supportive. However, we are both really busy as well. She works 60 hours a week (give or take), and I work 40 hours, am in school online, and I perform in local GLBT wind ensemble here in South Florida. Well, I wanted everyone's take on this. For those of you who have been in long-term relationships/partnerships, do you ever experience lesbian bed death? Or a lack of sex? I have a sex drive, but my partner claims she has none now, and I don't even remember the last time we had sex. Does this happen a lot? I guess that sex is something I need too, and we've talked about marriage, but we are having difficulties getting around the whole sex thing. Thoughts?

Everybody's "busy". I too have a combination of work, school, kids, volunteering, and the rest of my life. The day I find that being busy has wiped my sex drive is the day I know I'm Way too busy.

Assuming that your partner is not asexual (and it sounds like the drive just went pfft and used to exist), then, IMO, sex by whatever definition and activity with the one you love is one of life's greatest joys. That to me is part of the point of being in a relationship. Without that sexual relationship you share with none other, you have a living arrangement
I'm not saying that life doesn't tank sex here and there, but if you honestly can't remember, that's too long.

Assuming, also, that both of you are healthy and have no chronic illnesses or hormonal issues that can underlie a flat desire, then my advice isn't to chalk it up to "oh wells, LBD happens, we're not different from any other couple", but to really look at what's going on. I would be extremely hurt if my partner told me she had no sex drive, as she's supposed to find me irresistible ;). Are you both avoiding the sexual side of your relationship through working? This is going to take some difficult conversations and it might be worth seeing a LBGT counselor.

Martina is right, and I can tell you from experience, do not get married before you really resolve this issue. Otherwise, bad or nonexistent sex issues will mushroom like a smoke cloud through the rest of your otherwise very compatible relationship. Good luck.

[JDeere]

Someone who doesn't make promises, they know they can't keep! Or runs off when they find out about other aspects of my life.

[Liam]

I want a partner who appreciates sharing the daily acts of living. One who is capable of communicating difficult things without raising their voice, and can have difficult discussions, rather than walking away or ending the relationship. I want to be with a woman/girl who adores me, as much as I adore her, one who loves being sexual and kinky and isn't afraid to make noise. I want a partner who enjoys taking walks with me, someone who readily shares what is going on in their life and mind, enjoys expressing their creativity, and likes to read books.

I know there are more things, but this is what is on my mind this evening.

[Sweet Bliss]

I've resisted saying I give up meeting someone. But really, I give up. Looking in my area or online makes no difference. I don't know how other peeps find true love. The whole concept escapes me. Totally. Despite my attitude I would genuinely like a butch friend to just hang with and do stuff.

But have pretty much given up on that also.

Ideally would enjoy two sided conversations, coffee in the early morning air. Deep discussion. Sharing, mutual compassion, empathy and humor.

Ya I know. Good luck with that. :rofl:

[RockOn]

Must have four paws on the ground ... that is the extent of my close relationships ... and I am good with it. :)

My trust tends to thin out in a hurry regarding anything else. I don't even want to be bothered. Please leave me out of your happy horse chit. (translation: sweet candy-coated lies)

I love my dog ... and about 3 people. ;)

[SleepyButch]

I want someone who will go to the movies to see or stay at home and watch scary movies with me!

[RockOn]

Hey SleepyButch, I'll watch scary movies with you ... but we both already know to skip the hand-holding and cuddling with each other parts. LOL!
;)

[fever]

Say fellas, I will go to scary movies with you both, sit between you, but I can't guarantee that one or both won't have nail marks on your legs. lol I love scary movies, but hide, scream, and grab. :bunchflowers:

[Rockinonahigh]

Looks like we have a group of scary movies buffs hear,I have well over 100 scary movies,some are on tape and some on disk.I love the old grade B ones from when I was a kid,cheesy as all heck but fun to watch....we should have a movie night.

[Gaige]

I've resisted saying I give up meeting someone. But really, I give up. Looking in my area or online makes no difference. I don't know how other peeps find true love. The whole concept escapes me. Totally. Despite my attitude I would genuinely like a butch friend to just hang with and do stuff.

But have pretty much given up on that also.

Ideally would enjoy two sided conversations, coffee in the early morning air. Deep discussion. Sharing, mutual compassion, empathy and humor.

Ya I know. Good luck with that. :rofl:

I can’t say that I’ve given up. I’m just not actively searching. My work schedule is not ordinary and I’m not sure most femmes wouldn’t mind it. So I’m with you on the butch-femme friendship idea. Since I don’t have a lot of time to dedicate to a relationship, I’ve been thinking that what I want is a friendship with a femme. No expectations. No pressure to find time to meet up. Just 2 friends hanging out when time allows. Yep, that’s what I want.

[SleepyButch]

Say fellas, I will go to scary movies with you both, sit between you, but I can't guarantee that one or both won't have nail marks on your legs. lol I love scary movies, but hide, scream, and grab. :bunchflowers:

I've been grabbed, pinched, punched, and slapped a few times at scary movies. It kind of comes with the territory. lol

[Sweet Bliss]

I've been grabbed, pinched, punched, and slapped a few times at scary movies. It kind of comes with the territory. lol

Dang SB... I'm too busy screaming and covering my eyes to hit or grab... for classic B movies I'm changing the dialogue and laughing ... I vote we all go over to Rockin's place... he's a chef!!!! I have a collection of 200 horror and sci fi. I'll bring it too.

I make a mean nacho platter. :koolaid:

[MysticOceansFL]

Things in a relationship I would want.
1. Loyalty
2. Honest
3. Love as equal to mine
4. Openness
5. Communication always even when your angry
6. Common goals
7. Some interests that match
8. Compassion to yourself and others
That's about it cause all these things when you do them online is great but if you can't do them off line what makes you think I would want you? So make sure you can be this way on and off line also! * Tips my hat *

[JDeere]

Things in a relationship I would want.
1. Loyalty
2. Honest
3. Love as equal to mine
4. Openness
5. Communication always even when your angry
6. Common goals
7. Some interests that match
8. Compassion to yourself and others
That's about it cause all these things when you do them online is great but if you can't do them off line what makes you think I would want you? So make sure you can be this way on and off line also! * Tips my hat *

Excellent list!

:hangloose:

[Femmadian]

For me personally, some of the things I need would be:


Someone who is intellectually curious, especially a full-on nerd. So sexy. http://www.4smileys.com/smileys/cool-smileys/smiley-with-glasses28.gif
Lots of physical affection (both sexualized and non-sexualized). Let's touch base throughout the day, acknowledge each other's presence, engage in little pats and rubs and taps and shoulder kisses "just because." It makes me feel loved and all warm and mushy inside. :heartbeat:
To feel like a priority in their life (as appropriate). Obviously all relationships have different levels and different standards of what's appropriate given its stage, but I think you should always feel like the person you're with is with you because they're interested in you specifically and see that they make a point to make room for you in their life. My presence in your life should not feel incidental or casual and I should not feel like I'm just filling a slot.
An animal lover. Few things cuter than watching a butch fawn over a furry four-legger. I'm outnumbered by the furballs in my home and I like it that way. :dog: :ballcat: http://i264.photobucket.com/albums/ii176/JacciGoss/cat.gif
Someone who's open minded, willing to really listen to other people's opinions, and open to having their own changed.
Someone who respects my time as much as I respect theirs. This can include making plans ahead of time and sticking to them, not expecting the other person to automatically drop everything to be with you, making sure the phone's off and away, ensuring that the time spent together is quality time, making a point to be together one-on-one in a non-sexual context (ie - the only time you're not accompanied by their friends or family is when you're in bed together), etc.
Strong libido. I have one. So should you*. I've dated a string of otherwise very nice people who had average to low libidos recently and I'm done with that. I want to make up for lost time! :D
No scary movies. Sorry, Sleepy et al. Can't do it. You'll only regret it later at 3 am when I'm elbowing you in the ribs or maniacally clawing at you in my sleep with my horror movie-induced nightmares. :|
Chocolate (http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/33/10/8a/33108a16bf40bdacb5ccd61a381fe8c0.jpg). :chocolate:






* - With the obvious caveat that this only applies to people I'd be in a committed relationship with
and is in no way a slight against people with differing levels of sexual desire, activity, or asexuals. Obviously. :-)

[starryeyes]

Someone who is kind, loving, understanding, loves my dogs and funny! :)

[SleepyButch]

I want lots and lots and lots of kissing.

[RockOn]

I like to get all snuggled up in bed, get the low light just right and make those funny shadow images on the wall with our hands ... and giggle a lot ... then when we tire of that ... you know ... and I want to do it all now long ... ;)


And yes, butches do giggle. :)

[SleepyButch]

I keep thinking of things....

Sooooo someone who likes to dance or at least puts up with the fact that I do.

[RockOn]

hey fever, I will lean forward in the theater while you, SleepyB and I watch the scary movie. You can claw my back all you want. I have not had that in a while. :)

[SleepyButch]

hey fever, I will lean forward in the theater while you, SleepyB and I watch the scary movie. You can claw my back all you want. I have not had that in a while. :)

Lol, Way to capitalize on someone's fright. She gets comfort and you get your back scratched. Win-Win in my book... lol

[RockOn]

oh yes, slow dance hold her close against me, breathing in her scent ...

[Sweet Bliss]

Someone who dances in the store with me... will stop driving so I can dance to my favorite songs... watches intently when I dance.... sigh.

Geez... I miss disco nights.

[SleepyButch]

Someone who dances in the store with me... will stop driving so I can dance to my favorite songs... watches intently when I dance.... sigh.

Geez... I miss disco nights.

Disco!!!! I love disco. I'm positive that person is out there for you somewhere! Don't give up!

[SleepyButch]

Someone who wants to be seduced and teased building that sexual tension between us.

[JDeere]

Someone who will give massages and doesn't mind sitting in the middle of the bench seat next to me in my truck!

[RockOn]

I think I would rather it be my face ... instead of the bench. :)

"As long as I have a face, sweetheart, you will always have a place to sit."

[RockOn]

Sometimes some femmes are so funny. I make a crude, tacky sexual comment like the one above. They won't thank me publicly but will make notice of it in the hidden private comments reputation type points.

raising index finger to mouth - shhhhh, I won't tell *wink*
No worries, our secret! LOL! ;)

[Gemme]

Well, I guess that's the type of femme you would want/need to be in a relationship with.

[Sweet Bliss]

JD gets gold star for his post. I fit quite nicely on bench seat next to the driver.... and he can still shift gears.....

:rose:

[femmsational]

For someone................to get a home job so they can take out the damn trash!!!!!!!!!

:hamactor:

[RockOn]

In reality Gemme, I would be very different in my remarks here if I were wanting or hopeful of finding a partner online ... a lot more keyed down and respectable acting... but since I would not even consider a LDR, I think maybe I go for the effect ... see what kind of playfulness can be evoked if I am in a "take it to the edge" mood. And if I drop off the edge, no one cares and I do not mind at all either. :)

[JDeere]

JD gets gold star for his post. I fit quite nicely on bench seat next to the driver.... and he can still shift gears.....

:rose:

Oh my goodness I didn't see this till now and Thank you!

Takes Gold Star and runs off with it!

[Sweet Bliss]

............. :| <……… taking out trash face.

[JDeere]

............. :|

Oh and takes the rose and puts you in my room, in water!

:|Sorry had a dummy moment!

[femmsational]

............. :| <……… taking out trash face.

Yeah....every sunday night, that's my face. And a few others I will not share in polite company.

[Sweet Bliss]

Yeah....every sunday night, that's my face. And a few others I will not share in polite company.

:| < Sunday AND Wednesday night face..... and the push giant trash can to curb face will remain undisclosed to protect the innocent. :pirate-steer: arrrggghh!!

[SleepyButch]

Oh and takes the rose and puts you in my room, in water!

:|Sorry had a dummy moment!

I had a dummy moment also. I couldn't figure out why you took the rose and then put Sweet Bliss in your room in water... lol

To each their own I suppose.. I'm still cracking up.

[JDeere]

I had a dummy moment also. I couldn't figure out why you took the rose and then put Sweet Bliss in your room in water... lol

To each their own I suppose.. I'm still cracking up.



HAHAHA Poor Sleep!

[SleepyButch]

I just thought of this one or actually have thought of it in the past but was reminded of it tonight...

I need to be in a relationship with someone who truly appreciates me and my romantic side. It brings me a lot of joy and pleasure being romantic whether it's small gestures or large ones. I love it so she must also!

[Kenna]

I just thought of this one or actually have thought of it in the past but was reminded of it tonight...

I need to be in a relationship with someone who truly appreciates me and my romantic side. It brings me a lot of joy and pleasure being romantic whether it's small gestures or large ones. I love it so she must also!

I often don't participate in this type thread because I can't put together the correct words for my feelings...but if I may with Sleepy's permission, plagiarize his post? My feelings exactly...as well as, I need and want someone that's emotionally stable, secure and confident. I need/want a healthy relationship, with healthy, positive energy that's built on a foundation of respect, integrity, and mutual acceptance and "listening to" each other's boundaries, desires and space...I need a relationship without fear of abuse, narcissistic or energy draining people....

In 2008, I was awarded the maximum 3 year restraing order against (a cismale that I hadn't been in a relationship with but I had allowed too close to my son and myself) who was very narcissistic and abusive. I learned a lot during that experience and what I needed in my relationships.
My main goal is a very healthy, very stable, mutually affectionate, deep connection with a compatible person who doesn't" crash" or get abusive when I need space or interact with friends and family.

A SOLID foundation to our connection (example friends first and getting to know each other slowly) is my key...as I've seen other relationships crumble very quickly when their foundation is built on resentfulness, spite, jealousy, or negative intentions.

[Kenna]

*dang phone typos*
Restraing=restraining

[RockOn]

Hey Keena,

If you will clear out your private message box .... then I will answer the question you asked me in your private message.

It is full and will not accept any more messages. That is what you get for being so popular. :)

[Gemme]

In reality Gemme, I would be very different in my remarks here if I were wanting or hopeful of finding a partner online ... a lot more keyed down and respectable acting... but since I would not even consider a LDR, I think maybe I go for the effect ... see what kind of playfulness can be evoked if I am in a "take it to the edge" mood. And if I drop off the edge, no one cares and I do not mind at all either. :)

I appreciate you responding, RockOn.

My question is this: Why?

Why do you feel that you can be one way online and that anyone would believe you to be different in person? I just don't see the need for the duplicity, I guess. I'm a very 'take me as I am' and 'wysiwyg' kind of person, so it's just not how my brain works.

For me....and it's solely on me since you obviously received some positive responses from some femmes....but that was not taking it to the edge. It was more like using a bulldozer to shove someone over the edge. A bit too blatant for me but we all have our things and you just said you don't mind going over the edge, so that's that. :)

Oh and takes the rose and puts you in my room, in water!

:|Sorry had a dummy moment!

:blink:

I had a dummy moment also. I couldn't figure out why you took the rose and then put Sweet Bliss in your room in water... lol

To each their own I suppose.. I'm still cracking up.

Thank you, Sleepy! lol

I thought it was just me scratching my head on that one.



However, to be more thread appropriate I would say that if I were looking for an intimate relationship with someone, I want everything. I want to see your soft underbelly and your grit and, hopefully, mine would match yours or at least complement it.

[Sweet Bliss]

Oh and takes the rose and puts you in my room, in water!

:|Sorry had a dummy moment!

Dang. I had a visual of a bedside hot tub with rose petals and candles. Le sigh...(f)

[Kobi]

In reality Gemme, I would be very different in my remarks here if I were wanting or hopeful of finding a partner online ... a lot more keyed down and respectable acting... but since I would not even consider a LDR, I think maybe I go for the effect ... see what kind of playfulness can be evoked if I am in a "take it to the edge" mood. And if I drop off the edge, no one cares and I do not mind at all either. :)



Im still working on my first cup of coffee, so I might have totally misread this.

Are you saying because you arent looking for something online that it is ok to present yourself as a rude, crude, disrespectful buffoon?

Are you saying, if you were looking for something online, you would present yourself in a more respectful manner?

Are you saying other people here, particularly women, do not deserve your best, or respectful posts, or general niceties of human interaction?

What exactly are you saying?

[Jesse]

I'm still trying to figure out why your room has water in it. Handing you a sump pump. :)

Oh and takes the rose and puts you in my room, in water!

:|Sorry had a dummy moment!

[Jesse]

How about a snorkel instead?

Dang. I had a visual of a bedside hot tub with rose petals and candles. Le sigh...(f)

[Sweet Bliss]

:rofl::loveBFP::shark::waterski:

:titantic::theisland::sailing:

[JDeere]

Lmao I made a huge typo! Thanks for playing along everyone! I meant to put the rose in a vase full of water!

I need to do an error check each time I post!

[Sweet Bliss]

Lmao I made a huge typo! Thanks for playing along everyone! I meant to put the rose in a vase full of water!

I need to do an error check each time I post!

Typo huh? Looks like a Freudian slip from here.... :rofl:

[Gemme]

Lmao I made a huge typo! Thanks for playing along everyone! I meant to put the rose in a vase full of water!

I need to do an error check each time I post!

Nah.

More fun this way.

[JDeere]

Bah, either or, doesn't matter as long as you folks have fun, at my expense!

:p :|

[Sweet Bliss]

See.. that's what a woman wants. A good sport.

A sense of humor and the ability to Plautus at bone's foilbles. :rubberducky:

[JDeere]

See.. that's what a woman wants. A good sport.

A sense of humor and the ability to Plautus at bone's foilbles. :rubberducky:

:eatinghersheybar: Yes I will be a good sport about it!

[SleepyButch]

See.. that's what a woman wants. A good sport.

A sense of humor and the ability to Plautus at bone's foilbles. :rubberducky:

Talk about Freudian Slip lol...

[Sweet Bliss]

I need what I give.

I want what I need.

[oboejive]

For me, it's really about the physical, emotional, and mental connection. If one of those is missing, it won't work.

[JDeere]

Trust, is the major thing that I want in a relationship.
Respect comes next but that is earned as well.

Someone who will actually stick around like they say they will, instead of playing me for months on end and leaving.

[MysticOceansFL]

1. Trust
2. Respect
3. communication
4. loyalty
5. compassion
6. Love
7. Understanding
8. Pateinces

[JDeere]

A killer sense of humor
Good cook and baker
Someone willing to take the time instead of rushing

[Evolved]

A heart, brain and a sense of humor.

[JustLovelyJenn]

Someone who stays... and works through problems...

[JDeere]

Someone that I can sing to and they don't care how bad I sound and like it that I sing to them.

(they means a femme, butch or ftm or the person I am dating)

[MsTinkerbelly]

Be it friend or romantic, my peeps have to have a wicked sense of humor.:pirate-steer:

[JDeere]

Another one to add is they have to be very open minded.

[gotoseagrl]

The way to a girl's heart is through her funny bone. Sense of humor is as important as anything else.

[JustLovelyJenn]

This morning... song lyrics tell it all... because "I want to hold your hand... I want to hold your hand"

[anotherbutch]

Someone who stays... and works through problems...

That's hard to find Jenn... most people bail at the first sign of trouble.. especially in this lifestyle.. in my experience.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I've given up for now. I'm going to finish school before I try looking again. I think I might try looking again. I'm not sure - we will see what happens when I get there. Putting myself out there and dating feels pretty awful most of the time and it's draining and discouraging. I like the sense of peace I have *not* dating.
And I have a list of things I need that so far are just too much. And I'm not going to change it.

But here it is anyway:

- Butch, genderqueer, boy-minded androgynous, or transmasculine gender.
- lives within 3/3.5 hours travel time of me. I can stretch that to five MAYBE if everything else is exceptional and they don't want me to eventually move to the states, because that isn't going to happen.


From my okcupid profile:

*You must be emotionally stable. Quirks are par for the course but I do need someone even keeled and reliable.

*Friends first. I'm looking for a partner. Let's get to know each other before we consider dating. Dating is also not a commitment. It's dating.

* You know the difference between Intimacy and Intensity.

* You are openly communicative. You try. Hard. Intentionally vauge or evasive I don't find cute or mysterious.

*I don't mind people using the odd joint, my friends indulge, but no daily pot smokers. Know moderation with alcohol - no binge drinkers.

*Sex-wise, I'm a "feisty" Femme submissive. You consider yourself at least interested in exploring kink and to being the Boss in the bedroom. No experience in kink needed - It's enthusiasm that turns my crank - But you need to be able to talk about sex without getting freaked out. I like organic go-with-the-flow too, but I need to know our desires match first.

*I'm a queer-dyke, not bisexual and not a lesbian's lesbian. Many of my partners did not identify as women, though they were all female embodied. No cis males.

[JustLovelyJenn]

That's hard to find Jenn... most people bail at the first sign of trouble.. especially in this lifestyle.. in my experience.

I know there has to be someone... somewhere... who works as hard as me to make the people in their lives happy... I can't give up... I don't like myself without hope.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I guess it depends.
"Giving up hope" for me was pretty key in me getting a grip on myself and becoming happy with being single, of link ng in the present tense and not the future, the thing where "everything will be better when I lose weight/get a partner/graduate school"
So I decided to focus on now and let go of the future. Its been a great thing for me :)

[JustLovelyJenn]

I guess it depends.
"Giving up hope" for me was pretty key in me getting a grip on myself and becoming happy with being single, of link ng in the present tense and not the future, the thing where "everything will be better when I lose weight/get a partner/graduate school"
So I decided to focus on now and let go of the future. Its been a great thing for me :)

I apologize, this was in no way a dig. I spent three years very stubbornly not dating. It was the best thing I ever did. I love who I became. I am very happy with my life and myself. What I learned in that process is that I don't need anyone... but I do very much want someone. And now I have the strength and determination to not settle for less. So I'm dating and I'm looking... and I know someday, somewhere... I will find that person that is my perfect match... imperfections and all.

[Hominid]

I want someone who says "yes". In wanting that, I realized I have to do that as well. Anxiety, being a stodgy old stick in the mud ... get in the way.

I deserve someone going the extra mile for ME - I'm trying really hard to remember that, rather than chasing and wooing (which is admittedly fun). But I'd like to be chased, too - or at least I deserve someone making extra effort and extending kindness and feedback. I need to be wooed also. That's been very hard to admit.

I also have to admit that I'm NOT okay being alone. Or I'm too okay. But there are things I just don't do for myself, or care enough to do. There IS a hole, and as non-pc as that is, it also leaves me space for someone in my life. Note: there's not a hole in ME, just in my life. There is also a huge part of me, the best part of me, not in use when not in a relationship. I find many my age don't leave room after they work so hard to be self-sufficient. I am not completely self sufficient. I want someone who is invested enough to make sure I take my pills. Maybe makes me lunch for work. Again, not exactly PC or modern or the way things are done, but it's me and I'm not going to fight me anymore. I'm okay being alone, I have my routine, I'm not in a panic. But there are things in my life that require a partner for me to enjoy, and I'm not going to deny that fact any more.

[LilyCat]

I agree it is important for a person to spend sometime alone to "find" themselves or get to know themselves better. There are many great benefits of it.

I wonder, do you think a person can be alone too long?

[Gemme]

I agree it is important for a person to spend sometime alone to "find" themselves or get to know themselves better. There are many great benefits of it.

I wonder, do you think a person can be alone too long?

Yes.

When you have full conversations with your pets and inanimate objects simultaneously, then that is the moment it's been a little bit too long.

[Hominid]

I agree it is important for a person to spend sometime alone to "find" themselves or get to know themselves better. There are many great benefits of it.

I wonder, do you think a person can be alone too long?

I do - but not because of time per se, but because one become so self-sufficient and married to what life has been to "make room", and maybe so comfortable that leaving that comfort zone to take a chance and invest in someone is terrifying.

[LOQUI]

I agree it is important for a person to spend sometime alone to "find" themselves or get to know themselves better. There are many great benefits of it.

I wonder, do you think a person can be alone too long?


I think time extension it is something relative...each situation having its particularities...
However, hmmm I kind of agree with Gemme's point!

Yes.

When you have full conversations with your pets and inanimate objects simultaneously, then that is the moment it's been a little bit too long.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I apologize, this was in no way a dig. I spent three years very stubbornly not dating. It was the best thing I ever did. I love who I became. I am very happy with my life and myself. What I learned in that process is that I don't need anyone... but I do very much want someone. And now I have the strength and determination to not settle for less. So I'm dating and I'm looking... and I know someday, somewhere... I will find that person that is my perfect match... imperfections and all.

Oh I don't see debate or discussion or a different point of view as a dig. I'm not that thensthative ;)

What I mean is, I have gotten to a place where I am ok with the possibility of me never having another long term relationship. It's important for me to not fear that or find it depressing. To work on being happy single and possibly just never having another relationship. I'm not looking. I will leave the door ajar, but I'm not going to go out of my way to impress someone that's not the kind of partner I would want.

If I do let someone in don't want pursuit or chasing from either of us.

I was codependant for so many years and I didn't want to be alone, I wasn't ok alone, I needed to function and care for someone else or I felt a gap.

The prospect of never having someone was bleak and terrible.

Now I am ok with the prospect of never having someone long term again. It's no longer depressing or scary. I like my life. It's easier than it has been in my past. It's peaceful. So if it is lovely and ok to be on my own right now, there is no need to think that I don't have everything I need right now. And will I feel that way in five minutes? Probably. And five minutes from then? Sure, absolutely. And five minutes from then and so on and so forth? Why not.

I don't wanna wind up with someone who needs me more than they want me. I'd prefer they didn't need me at all. But that they allow me to do some things for them cause I enjoy doing those things. And vice versa. I'd like someone who enjoys taking me out. Who gets a hard on from taking me to see a museum, or out for dinner, or to a lecture, or gallery. Who loves having pic nics with me. Easy to hang out with, be my friend, and laugh and talk a lot.

But I'm ok with that not happening. I've had a couple great loves. I'll be just fine with long periods of me being with me and sometimes some no commitment happy sex with someone for a couple months.

So if the right person strolls through the ajar door and takes me out for ice cream and a tool around a museum - fantastic. If not, my life is still lovely the way it is. :)

[Jar]

I agree it is important for a person to spend sometime alone to "find" themselves or get to know themselves better. There are many great benefits of it.

I wonder, do you think a person can be alone too long?

I think I found myself a long time ago but I've given up on a relationship. Either I pick the wrong people or I'm just not good at it so I'm ok with alone.

[cinnamongrrl]

I truly value intellect above all else....
a good sense of humor hopefully goes hand in hand with that...
compassion for people and animals is huge too



and...... I'm a sucker for a nice back and shoulders... :blush:

[Jesse]

Hmmm...I have conversations with Sadie, (my dog) because she is responsive to what I say, the couch and the fridge...not so much. :byebye:

Yes.

When you have full conversations with your pets and inanimate objects simultaneously, then that is the moment it's been a little bit too long.

[Smiling]

I thought LilyCat posed a thoughtful question and Hominid brought up an excellent counterpoint. I had written a post based on their thoughts, but it ended up a rambling treatise and therefore felt a little self-involved, lol, so I deleted it.

So, I will just say this as regards my own choice to stay alone admittedly perhaps "too long"-

I'm not seeking a relationship, but if I happened to crash into one, I know what I definitely do not want. And what I will not accept is probably much easier to quantify. :)

I don't ever want to find myself in a relationship with someone who is a "placeholder" - neither do I want to be one for anyone else - and I feel like so many people (please be assured that I am not referring to anyone in particular either on or off this site, but rather speaking in a very general sense) are content with that.

I also feel like after a certain amount of time, people's lives get so intertwined that staying together becomes more of an exercise in convenience or habit (I.e. shared home, finances, children) than a conscious choice to share a life path.

What I definitely do not want is a relationship that is, or even worse, simply becomes, a functional business arrangement.

If that works for others, then great for them; but I'll continue to happily stay alone pursuing my dreams, goals, and interests in that case and remember that one person's "too long" is another's "not nearly long enough!" lol.

Context matters.

When I'm happy sometimes it's almost a why-fix-something-that-isn't-broken sort of thing. And when I'm not happy, it's more of an I'm-not-happy-at-the-moment-so-let-me-fix-myself-and-not-drag-anyone-down-in-the-gutter-with-me-right-now.

[JDeere]

I have issues with being alone, or single for a long time. I had gotten used to living alone and being alone for a few years. Now that I have gone through that phase, I find that I am ready to date and find a future with someone.

[Nat]

I'm a long way from being open to something new, but a friend of mine asked me the other day what I would want in a future person.

The first thing that came out was: a person who makes my life easier and not harder. Maybe I'm showing my age or my heart's exhaustion, but my willingness to twist myself into fun pretzel shapes to make things work seems to be significantly waning as is my willingness to make financial sacrifice for love's sake.

But also, chemistry, passion, trust, loyalty, friendship, love, honesty, consistency. Those are givens, right? Not givens in relationships, but givens in that - who doesn't want those things?

And I want to be cherished. And I love a good cuddler. And it's awesome be able to watch Shakespeare or read poetry or a novel with another person who actually enjoys that sort of thing. And it's really nice to be with a person who loves both my femme side and my boy side.

And though it feels like butches are a dying breed, they are my favorite. And if not butch, somewhere close.

And having written all that, I kinda think the best answer may be to just enjoy life and not think about any of that. Like, ever again. :) Make the world my lover. Cherish my own self.

[imperfect_cupcake]

a person who makes my life easier and not harder. Maybe I'm showing my age or my heart's exhaustion, but my willingness to twist myself into fun pretzel shapes to make things work seems to be significantly waning as is my willingness to make financial sacrifice for love's sake.

oh fuck yes. that's why I don't want pursuit on either side. I want a nice, smooth, relaxed, integration of getting to know someone, friendship and enjoying each others time, allowing me to spoil them in ways that are *easy* and enjoyable for me, and *easy* and enjoyable for them.

i don't want someone running a fucking marathon to prove their leeeeerrrrrrrrve for me. I want it to be an easy, relaxed stroll in the park.

I want to grow in love, not fall in it like dog shite.

someone who makes my life easier. bliss. I have a good life as it is, but someone who doesn't *tax* me, or pressure me, or make demands about stuff to show that I enjoy them.

pressure turns me off faster than a cup of cold sick these days.

Luckily, I don't pressure myself in those ways lol
just scholastically.

[JDeere]

oh fuck yes. that's why I don't want pursuit on either side. I want a nice, smooth, relaxed, integration of getting to know someone, friendship and enjoying each others time, allowing me to spoil them in ways that are *easy* and enjoyable for me, and *easy* and enjoyable for them.

i don't want someone running a fucking marathon to prove their leeeeerrrrrrrrve for me. I want it to be an easy, relaxed stroll in the park.

I want to grow in love, not fall in it like dog shite.

someone who makes my life easier. bliss. I have a good life as it is, but someone who doesn't *tax* me, or pressure me, or make demands about stuff to show that I enjoy them.

pressure turns me off faster than a cup of cold sick these days.

Luckily, I don't pressure myself in those ways lol
just scholastically.


My opinion, life is not easy so a relationship should not be a stroll in the park, easy. You have to work at it, but again that is just my feelings.

[randrum]

I've been following this thread as sort of an observer. Because my answer to what things I want and/or need in a relationship is I don't know.

And that's about the best answer I can give. Because I honestly don't know. I could guess or say what I think I'd maybe like or want. But that's about it.

Truth is I've spent a lot more time alone than I've ever been in a relationship. And most of the time my want/need is just to be IN a relationship. I'd like to feel like I'm "in the game" for a little while, not just sitting on the bench (please forgive the sports analogy).

But I do find it interesting, everyone's opinions takes on what they are looking for or how they feel on just entering a relationship or being alone verse in a relationship.

[Jesse]

I believe that one grows into a relationship, be it friendship or romance, at least if it is going to be a healthy one. I can't describe exactly what I want in a relationship other than the obvious things such as honesty, open and truthful communication, compassion, kindness, great sense of humour, emotional intimacy, etc.

I have been single for the last 5 years, because I think it is just as important to know what I have to offer to the relationship and I needed to do some work on myself. I do hope to meet a femme one day soon who is able to love me in the ways that I need, and that I can love in the ways she needs.

[imperfect_cupcake]

My opinion, life is not easy so a relationship should not be a stroll in the park, easy. You have to work at it, but again that is just my feelings.

I've been in seven relationships. The good ones felt good, even during conflicts.

I'm talking about the beginning, as im growing to know someone. It's should be easy to hang out with them. Relaxing. Quiet. Like a quiet and sweet, comfortable stroll through a familiar park. I've had that. Those were the longest lasting ones. Totally natural and an ease of being together.

And I've had the other kind. Where you fight and heave to over come so many things just to stay together - hash out everything, all the differences that clash.
Work work work work work.

I don't want another relationship where it's work from day one.

I want another one where it's easy to be together because you have similar goals, similar politics, similar outlook, and an understanding about each other that is just a natural ease.

Of course you still fight and have crises. But you are on the same *team* and not trying to convince each other about the best way to do something or how to be.

You can walk in the park and argue, arms linked and laugh.

But when someone is in drama and crying and drunk or has an anxiety issue they won't get help for... Or they are chasing you and won't respect your boundaries because they know better than you...

Gets old.

I'd prefer my relaxing and enjoyable company and a pic Nic.

[JDeere]

I've been in seven relationships. The good ones felt good, even during conflicts.

I'm talking about the beginning, as im growing to know someone. It's should be easy to hang out with them. Relaxing. Quiet. Like a quiet and sweet, comfortable stroll through a familiar park. I've had that. Those were the longest lasting ones. Totally natural and an ease of being together.

And I've had the other kind. Where you fight and heave to over come so many things just to stay together - hash out everything, all the differences that clash.
Work work work work work.

I don't want another relationship where it's work from day one.

I want another one where it's easy to be together because you have similar goals, similar politics, similar outlook, and an understanding about each other that is just a natural ease.

Of course you still fight and have crises. But you are on the same *team* and not trying to convince each other about the best way to do something or how to be.

You can walk in the park and argue, arms linked and laugh.

But when someone is in drama and crying and drunk or has an anxiety issue they won't get help for... Or they are chasing you and won't respect your boundaries because they know better than you...

Gets old.

I'd prefer my relaxing and enjoyable company and a pic Nic.

I understand what you are saying, I just see life as not easy and relationships aren't easy. I just put my two cents in LOL

[imperfect_cupcake]

I don't think relationships always easy.

But I want to get to know someone in an easy way. Not an anxious, chasing, formal, uneasy stomach way. That's not my idea of meeting someone Im naturally comfortable with.

Some people like those feelings. I don't. I prefer quiet, slow, relaxed and zero stress getting to know someone. If I feel uneasy, if I feel I have to try really hard to be understood, if I don't understand their communication style... Too much work from the start gate. Too anxious from the start gate.

That's just not how I want to start a relationship.

Some people love the challenge and the chase and the nervous butterflies.

I don't.

Viva la differance

[JDeere]

I don't think relationships always easy.

Thank you for clarifying for me!

[Gemme]

I want to grow in love, not fall in it like dog shite.
.

This made me crack the Hell up.

It's so true. Funny, but true!

My opinion, life is not easy so a relationship should not be a stroll in the park, easy. You have to work at it, but again that is just my feelings.

It's true that there must be equal effort from each party to maintain the relationship and to keep it happy and healthy, but I agree with cupcake about the beginning.

Every single time I have 'worked' to make myself 'fit' with someone else, it's only hurt me in the end. There's something to be said for sexy friction and conflict and all that mess but at this point in my life, if someone comes along and we mesh nicely and it feels good, then great.

Like you said; life is hard.

Your intimate relationships shouldn't be.

I've been following this thread as sort of an observer. Because my answer to what things I want and/or need in a relationship is I don't know.

And that's about the best answer I can give. Because I honestly don't know. I could guess or say what I think I'd maybe like or want. But that's about it.

Truth is I've spent a lot more time alone than I've ever been in a relationship. And most of the time my want/need is just to be IN a relationship. I'd like to feel like I'm "in the game" for a little while, not just sitting on the bench (please forgive the sports analogy).

But I do find it interesting, everyone's opinions takes on what they are looking for or how they feel on just entering a relationship or being alone verse in a relationship.

Flip it. Do you know what you DON'T want? Sometimes that is just as good, if not better, than being able to articulate what you do want or need. It makes red flags brighter and flappier.

[imperfect_cupcake]

This made me crack the Hell up.

It's so true. Funny, but true!



It's true that there must be equal effort from each party to maintain the relationship and to keep it happy and healthy, but I agree with cupcake about the beginning.

Every single time I have 'worked' to make myself 'fit' with someone else, it's only hurt me in the end. There's something to be said for sexy friction and conflict and all that mess but at this point in my life, if someone comes along and we mesh nicely and it feels good, then great.

Like you said; life is hard.

Your intimate relationships shouldn't be.



Flip it. Do you know what you DON'T want? Sometimes that is just as good, if not better, than being able to articulate what you do want or need. It makes red flags brighter and flappier.


Yes, thank you, that's what I mean. Of course there will be difficulties down the road after a lot of time spent together and differences happen and there is crisis you have to deal with from the outside world.

But that should *not* be the majority of the time in the relationship. Most of the time the relationship should be enjoyable and make my life *easier*.

I know the difference between intimacy and intensity. I want the former, not the later. It took me almost 30 years to figure out that intensity is *not* intimacy.

Better late than never!

[BullDog]

I want to be in a relationship with a woman who is honest, kind, smart, funny, liberal/leftist politics, loves the arts and the simple things in life.

I want to be in a relationship with a woman who appreciates me as much as I appreciate her. I want to be involved with someone who will do whatever it takes for our relationship as much as I will. One way streets get lonely fast.

I also wouldn't want to be in a relationship that was a constant struggle, with a lot of conflict and work, work, work. I've never had one like that (at least not a serious one), but I see people who seem to have that and it looks exhausting. I do want to be with someone who would do whatever it takes to work out our differences when the going got tough, though. I will of course do the same.

I will probably just remain single!

[A. Spectre]

I'm thinkin' this is pretty hypothetical for most of you, isn't it? :p

[JDeere]

I'm thinkin' this is pretty hypothetical for most of you, isn't it? :p

Not for me LOL :p

[Smiling]

Okay, forget all that nonsense I spouted in here before; I didn't know what I was talking about.

Love, schmove. I changed my mind and now I just want someone who is willing to take care of all the pest control and I don't care about anything else, okay? I'm going to have nightmares tonight about the family of the HUGE bug I just killed coming back to exact their vengeance upon me as I sleep.

lol, and you will totally score if, much like St. Patrick driving all the snakes out of Ireland, you remove all the bugs and arachnids and snakes and whatever else might be living here. Bonus points for their relocation in lieu of extermination.

But don't dare touch those bees! I like those.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Here is a great example of what I mean by intimacy and ease, rather than intensity and clash

Science Says Lasting Relationships Come Down To 2 Basic Traits

"The masters, by contrast, showed low physiological arousal. They felt calm and connected together, which translated into warm and affectionate behavior, even when they fought. It’s not that the masters had, by default, a better physiological make-up than the disasters; it’s that masters had created a climate of trust and intimacy that made both of them more emotionally and thus physically comfortable."

The difference between how couples react to each other seem to indicate how long they will last.

Read more: http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/#ixzz3bgFn4aRe

[JDeere]

I want someone who wants ALL of me! Is that so damn hard to come by?

[imperfect_cupcake]

Personally? Yes, it is. Usually people are swept up in their ideas and ideals of others, rather than the reality of the other.

I think it will take someone a really long time to know if they want *all* of me. Because they won't know all of me till they spend a long time getting to know who the hell I am. And how I am with different people and different situations.

So, yes, I think is a very rare thing to come by. And even rarer to have it mutual.

[JustLovelyJenn]

Recently... I am realizing how important it is to me that my partner and I are sexually compatible. This doesn't just mean... its good. It means common interests in the bedroom... my kink list is fast becoming part of the interview process.

[anotherbutch]

Honesty, integrity, a little vanity, and maybe a little humility would be nice... but I must say, sanity has to be at the top of the list. :seeingstars:

[Sammy583]

In the future I will be looking for someone who is..
caring, honest, knows who they are, knows what they want in life, works for what they want, puts themselves and people they care about first in life.

Someone who can be serious at times it is needed but also someone who can handle my sarcasm and also has a sense of humor.

Someone who has dreams, passion and ambition.

Someone who is strong, will do what's needed to take care of themselves, me and us just as I always would as well.

[JDeere]

Someone who can show their feelings, even if they are scared to death!

:|

[imperfect_cupcake]

Someone who can show their feelings, even if they are scared to death!

:|


< would fail miserably at that!

Not my strong point. 11 years in a culture where it's considered rude to be emotionally expressive (it's perceived that to do so is requiring those around you to cope with them) so I tend to keep my feelings to myself unless it's very private. However, I'm completely open and vocal about what I *think* ;)

But those are two different things.

Good for you for knowing what you need in that regard!

[Jesse]

Someone who truly chooses to be in an interpersonal relationship with ME, and not just in a relationship to avoid being alone or whatever. I am not good "back burner" material.

[Daisy Chain]

Someone who truly chooses to be in an interpersonal relationship with ME, and not just in a relationship to avoid being alone or whatever. I am not good "back burner" material.


I know what you mean, who wants to be a place holder, what a poor investment of time.

DC

[JDeere]

Someone who truly chooses to be in an interpersonal relationship with ME, and not just in a relationship to avoid being alone or whatever. I am not good "back burner" material.

Oh you hit the nail on the head for another one that is on my list!

[Venus007]

I do best with someone who is funny, horny, has self knowledge and is secure in themselves enough to take my need for independence and alone time, intelligence and having the ability to argue rationally helps a lot too

[JDeere]

Someone who can boil crawfish with me!!!! And who is not scared to get their hands pinched by them!

:)

[gotoseagrl]

I've learned that sometimes you think you know all of what you want or need, until you actually have it. Then you discover even more you didn't know you needed as well as things that don't really matter after all. It can be a long list, but it evolves with good & bad experiences.

~ Someone who was genuinely my friend first
~ Differences that are complimentary or insignificant instead of destructive
~ A relationship that builds up instead of breaks down who I am - someone who brings me back home to the best of me
~ One that people who care about me the most think is right
~ Being with someone I deeply respect & admire
~ Being humbled by each other
~ Painful honesty & selflessness
~ Fears that melt away, instead of worsen
~ Believing in positive reinforcement instead of negative
~ Super strong communication that is effortless & mutually desired, daily
~ Trust that is easily earned & maintained
~ The same old-fashioned, old school values
~ A sense of humor that we sometimes can't control
~ Sharing nerdy little things in common as well as the major things
~ Perceiving flaws & mistakes with love instead of resentment
~ Someone who actively cares about their health on their own the same as me
~ Someone whose lifestyle naturally falls in line with mine
~ Dynamics that are so fulfilling & exciting :-)
~ Someone I absolutely always feel safe with ... always
~ Someone who has self control when it's needed
~ We make each other ridiculously happy over the most simple things in life
~ Someone who spoils me with love & care rather than material things
~ Someone who shows instead of tells
~ We make each other better & bring out the best in ourselves vs the worst
~ Routines & consistent structure that others would find boring
~ Someone who makes me look forward instead of backwards
~ The feeling of Christmas waking up to this person
~ Falling asleep together
~ Someone with whom I feel such a deep peace that surpasses even the greatest meditation there is
~ Someone who speaks at the same pace I do ... who happens to be born & raised where I was, in a place we both have wanted to settle in ... ok maybe this isn't a requirement lol I just got super lucky
~ Having a relationship we can't even imagine being without
~ Most importantly, we don't ever feel the need to want to change each other, because we're already so happy & healthy together as is

[Tuff Stuff]

Me-I can tolerate alot if I truly like this person i'm with..oh,there will be respect and boundaries between us..it's just I know there will be days where I do not like this person i'm with.The honeymood period for me lasts 6 months,tops,and then reality sets in and i'll find myself moving further and further away from someone.This is why I must have my time alone..that is a must.Sometimes I can be with the one I love for an hour,maybe one whole day,one week even.But after that...leave me,alone,plz.You don't have to share my beliefs,my politics,clothes style,ect..but we must be compatible partners in bed.Me and my gf lasted this long because we both like sex and sex is never boring between us.When I first met her she was shy about alot of things in the bedroom,over time she has learned to enjoy herself when she's with me,she can trust me to do her no harm.Point is,she enjoys sex.You don't have to be my best friend,either...live your own life,have your own friends,take off whenever you want to leave,but please call me and let me know that you are safe.Sometimes opposites attract..this is how I lean tolerance in my life..so the more different my partner is from me,the more I will learn..you must have a sense of humor about life,it's ups and downs...I say cry if you have to,and then come back and laugh about life once again.I am a shoulder to lean on,cry on,bite on..I never leave those I love in their time of need.Like it or not,I will be there to take care of you,cus,you're worth it.

:computer2:

[homoe]

Sense of humor is a MUST! All the rest will sort itself out

[Chad]

I agree humor is a wonderful quality. I like silly, kind, sweet, and adventurous ladies. A lady that can go from gardening or a walk on the beach to a formal evening out would catch my eye. I enjoy good conversation about almost anything.

What I want is all of the above. What I need is minimal I am very independent.

[cinnamongrrl]

Someone who is outsoorsy and advebturous is high on my list...

A sense of humor is a necessity. I laugh every day...even if its only at myself...

An excellent hugger/cuddler

The ability to cook wouldn't hurt... I prefer to bake rather than cook

Tidiness....goes a long...LONG way....

Brains above all else...and lots of them...

[imperfect_cupcake]

Someone to hang out and watch movies with

Someone to laugh in bed and have a bed picnic with

Someone to go to the European film festival with, the Particle physics lab tour, the science talks at the rail way club for a pint, go to the pub quiz on occasion, go out for sushi or a pic nic, go to the Turkish baths with, go to the B flicks movie theatre at the end of my street.

Go away on city breaks for 3-4 day long weekends, take a week off and go to Marakesh, rent a small cabin for a few days and go skinny dipping, read to each other, and banter while playing cards.

Lots of sex. Lots of laughs. Activities. Lazing about and good food.


I don't care what their house habits are like, or where they live or what they live in... Because I won't be living with them. So none of that stuff matters. I'm in it for the friendship, the companionship, the love, the sex and the time we share.
Not the domestic aspect. I rule my domestic home. And I'm not sharing. I will gladly worship them at theirs ;)

[VintageFemme]

Lately it seems those that I'm dating and/or meeting are looking more for a girl friend than a girlfriend. It seems they are more interested in hanging out and having someone to talk to, etc. And while that's all fine and well, it's absolutely not what I need in a relationship. Maybe it's my age group. I dunno. I so hope not. I need a good old fashioned butch/femme full on relationship that includes passion and excitement as well as companionship and comfort. Goddess, I hope I'm just in some kind of bad juju place and this is not the way it is or is going to be in my future. I couldn't bear that.

As for 'the list' - someone who is...


creative
independent
sexual
extremely witty
charming/old fashioned
grounded with spontaneous tendencies

I need a lot of attention when I need it and then a lot of space when I need that too. I'm so freaking hard to handle, it's insane so I need a lot of patience and sticktoitnivness. Yeah, that's what I need in a relationship, sticktoitniveness.

[Nattih]

I need someone who is able to "just know" when I want them to quietly hold me.

I also need someone who feels that the foundation of our relationship is bigger than just the two of us, but is also the structure for our future legacy.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Lately it seems those that I'm dating and/or meeting are looking more for a girl friend than a girlfriend. It seems they are more interested in hanging out and having someone to talk to, etc. And while that's all fine and well, it's absolutely not what I need in a relationship. Maybe it's my age group. I dunno. I so hope not. I need a good old fashioned butch/femme full on relationship that includes passion and excitement as well as companionship and comfort. Goddess, I hope I'm just in some kind of bad juju place and this is not the way it is or is going to be in my future. I couldn't bear that.

As for 'the list' - someone who is...


creative
independent
sexual
extremely witty
charming/old fashioned
grounded with spontaneous tendencies

I need a lot of attention when I need it and then a lot of space when I need that too. I'm so freaking hard to handle, it's insane so I need a lot of patience and sticktoitnivness. Yeah, that's what I need in a relationship, sticktoitniveness.

Vintage, we may want completely different things but I often feel like I am the only person in butch-femme land who wants what I do. Mostly I get people who want what I feel are rigid formulaic formal and stiff awkward (for me) dates that don't feel that treat me like an individual girl. Just a cut out gender representative to shovel fill in the blank formula romance on. And I feel invisible and sad rather than romanced.

It feel pretty much like I'm the only one that feels this way too.

I think it's a human condition to feel that way.

[JDeere]

Sex and attention! Lots of both please. If I don't get either often I turn into Mr. Asshole.

[VintageFemme]

Vintage, we may want completely different things but I often feel like I am the only person in butch-femme land who wants what I do. Mostly I get people who want what I feel are rigid formulaic formal and stiff awkward (for me) dates that don't feel that treat me like an individual girl. Just a cut out gender representative to shovel fill in the blank formula romance on. And I feel invisible and sad rather than romanced.

It feel pretty much like I'm the only one that feels this way too.

I think it's a human condition to feel that way.

I feel invisible a lot of the time too.

[angelface]

I feel invisible a lot of the time too.

As I get older (and hopefully wiser), I've thrown away the long list of requirements needed to make a relationship perfect for me. If I'm to deeply connect with my potential partner then it is paramount that we truly see each other, hear each other and ultimately understand one another and not use some generic check list of preconceived traits that may or may not meet our true needs, wants and desires.
Yes it's important to have sexual chemistry, a meeting of the minds and an emotional connection but I feel this is often adds to the confused at the start of a relationship when you're in a state of limerence which has no longevity.

[Angeltoes]

A few years ago I wanted so much more, but lately I feel like I'm over the whole thing. I don't want to be anyone's girlfriend and I don't want sex. Some days I feel otherwise (like when I'm PMS..lol) but I truly think I missed the boat on romantic love and I don't really want it anymore. I prefer things to be decided in life rather than always hoping and waiting for something that's never going to happen. It's a lot easier for me to just accept that life didn't turn out the way I planned, but it's OK. I'm not sad about it. I think it just is the way it is.

In friends I prefer the company of intelligent, creative people, who accept me.

[homoe]

I'd settle for witty and good conversation at the point in life! Anything else that might come along afterwards is just gravy!

[Chad]

I have read the above wants and needs for relationships and I agree with many people. For example, I can live separately from my partner. I love my alone time. I also agree that there is no recipe for the perfect partner. There are some requirements though and some deal breakers.
A potential partner for me must be honest, nonsmoker, drug free, polite, kind hearted, genuine, and intelligent.

It would be a bonus if she was cultured, liked travel, was confident, and was at least a little bit of a foodie. As I said previously I enjoy humor.

Here is the bottomline these days, I am not going to get on a plane for the purpose of dating.

[Liam]

Here is the bottomline these days, I am not going to get on a plane for the purpose of dating.

It is certainly easier to date someone who lives nearby. I'm not going to limit myself to doing the easy thing, though.

[Chad]

Liam,

Thank you for reading my post and sharing your thoughts.
Best wishes,
Chad

It is certainly easier to date someone who lives nearby. I'm not going to limit myself to doing the easy thing, though.

[angelface]

It is certainly easier to date someone who lives nearby. I'm not going to limit myself to doing the easy thing, though.

I agree, logistics shouldn't get in the way of finding love. Maybe I just like a challenge or I'm just hopeful that there is someone for everyone out there somewhere. :vigil:

[JustLovelyJenn]

This made me smile today... and it seemed appropriate for here.

https://scontent.fsnc1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpt1/v/t1.0-9/12316570_818992041578617_6301238471942085808_n.jpg ?oh=bf8975ab6db9971f4cc9b0853c3c4156&oe=56F27EA6

[boioboi]

Want: sex (minimum twice a week), homecooked meals, attention, weekly date nights, monthly road trips, listening without fixing things

Need: naked snuggle time on a nightly basis, make out sessions, trust, honesty, authenticity, kisses, empathy, compassion, patience, understanding

[JustLovelyJenn]

https://scontent.fsnc1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/12310630_749926285162203_788787835272229899_n.jpg? oh=7af55af8e995ececc3994ff319f56fa6&oe=56D7871C

[Chad]

Bumping this thread.

[Chad]

I have read the above wants and needs for relationships and I agree with many people. For example, I can live separately from my partner. I love my alone time. I also agree that there is no recipe for the perfect partner. There are some requirements though and some deal breakers.
A potential partner for me must be honest, nonsmoker, drug free, polite, kind hearted, genuine, and intelligent.

It would be a bonus if she was cultured, liked travel, was confident, and was at least a little bit of a foodie. As I said previously I enjoy humor.

Here is the bottomline these days, I am not going to get on a plane for the purpose of dating.

Update:

I decided not to be so rigid about LDRs as a starting point. The rest of my post is spot on.

:cowboy:

[JDeere]

Affection, not sex, just affection like hand holding, cuddles and kissing.

IT'S NOT THAT HARD LADIES, SHEESH!

[girl_dee]

at the risk of sounding needy I would rather say is that I do best with someone who is not afraid and can handle me! Someone who wants the same things in life as I do, someone who is not afraid to lock the chains to me...someone who is not afraid to cage me. Someone who is interested enough to see past the crap and to the next layer. Someone who is not afraid to give me what I really need especially when I need it. Someone who is real and lives and walks their own truth. Someone who is not afraid to tell me what they need and want. Someone who challenges me and puts me in my place when I push the line. Someone who is tender when it's needed and also throw me to my knees when it's time.. Someone who is not afraid to commit and capable of loving themselves enough to take care of themselves.. someone who takes responsibility seriously and acts accordingly. Someone who I can't live without. Someone willing to walk the walk... not just talk the talk.

and oh, must love dogs.


Seven years later, still true.

[Happyfemme]

I need for the person to be kind, caring, respectful, intelligent, hard working, understanding, protective, and perform gender in a masculine way. Also no issues with alcohol, substances, or other addictive behaviors. The person and I are focused on each other and how to build the relationship. There should never be a situation in which the person is putting me or others down.
I want the person to be older than I am.

[clay]

That is a great list happyfemme. Wishing you much success in finding that in someone.

I love to see love stories happen!

[Chad]

Update:

I decided not to be so rigid about LDRs as a starting point. The rest of my post is spot on.

:cowboy:

Update: no LDRs period.

[Reach *BANNED*]

Quite simply - a person who loves and accepts me for me. If I were to have that I would fly to the ends of the Earth to be near the one that gives it. Yes, there are qualities I look for in a potential partner. But, the love and acceptance? That is the foundation of it all.

[RebelDyke]

Respect, honesty, loyalty, and highly affectionate. Like almost giggling high school crush affectionate. Sneaking kisses by the sink or flirts from across the room. One who can appreciate a hot water bottle for their back, lol. Someone who is highly adaptable as well. But above all realistic expectations and admissions. I need someone who is not afraid to be vulnerable, and knows themselves well enough. (did i mention a talker on occasion as well?)

Am I asking too much?

[Blade]

Balance
Mentally, emotionally, financially, career, educationally, theologically, entertainment, sexually, maturity, culturally, goals, intent, yeah there is probably more but basically it's about balance

[Kätzchen]

There is a bunch of articulate posts by members on what they want and need in an relationship, in this forum thread. I enjoyed reading posts here.


I have dated off and on, with people I get to know locally. I've been in an number of relationships, over my lifetime. Some were awesome, other's were not so awesome.

I also have grown and evolved in terms of what I used to think I would want or need in any given type of relationship. For example, with the small circle of friends I have known here at home (ie, at work or in other private life type ways), we all know each other in up close and personal ways. Our bonds of friendship has lasted years and years, because we each know each other in ways which fosters trust, understanding, and an wide variety of other items which many feel is important in nurturing long time bonds of friendship (reciprocity, loyalty, etc).

As far as Romantic types of relationships, I have an set of expectations (which are many) that helps me to decide if it's wise to be involved with someone in romantic ways.

Some of those expectations are as follows (based on my own life experience and outcomes):

1) Be Honest. Tell the truth. Don't manipulate facts or so-called facts to support your position.

2) Don't monopolize my time or exert control. I'm allergic to domineering, controlling, manipulative personality issues.

3) Be Liberal, where politics is concerned.

4) Be Self Reliant (because I am, I value this trait highly).

5) Be kind. Be courteous. Be pleasant. Above all, be compassionate, yet humble.

6) Value an spirit of willingness to do the right thing, then do the right thing (as long as it brings no harm to others or yourself). This is an tricky thing to do because, in my opinion, on the surface, the premise of this type of thing basically speaks to an much larger social idea about perfection. To me, it's not about being perfect. It's about being able to "Do The Right Thing" when there seems to be no other way to decide the right thing to do. For example, if one spends an significant time getting to know another person and one sees that it just won't work out to be friends or to be in an romantic relationship, then I think it's better to let go and move on, rather than try to make something work that will never work out.

7) Be willing to understand that I have no need or desire to prioritize sex in an intimate relationship. I'm not opposed to an gratifying sex life, but I have been traumatized by past sexual offences committed against me. Don't expect me to be over those past offences. It's an part of my life that has scarred me. It hasn't ruined me at all, but it does serve an purpose in my life: It informs me of an person's intent toward me. If by chance I discover in an getting-to-know-you type of process that an person has undiscovered offensive sexual issues, then that person will not have any place in my life.

8) Value Safety in all facets of life.

9) As an reminder, I don't feel the need to be in an romantic relationship, at this time. I value the peace I feel in my current status of being single. :bunchflowers:

[Sweet Bliss]

Balance
Mentally, emotionally, financially, career, educationally, theologically, entertainment, sexually, maturity, culturally, goals, intent, yeah there is probably more but basically it's about balance

Yes, coming from those finely balanced digits, tanned to perfection, I would expect no less.

Mine are scarred, veined, mismatched, strong but soft, but balanced? I'm lucky to put one foot in front of the other most days.

[JDeere]

My list has changed. Im very picky now at what i want and need and who as well.

[Bèsame*]

I want romance, flirting, attention, wit to match mine, spontaneous activities, and be able to make me laugh.
Be open to agree to disagree :)

I need, above all, good communication and real honesty.

[Happyfemme]

I need for the person to be kind, caring, respectful, intelligent, hard working, understanding, protective, and perform gender in a masculine way. Also no issues with alcohol, substances, or other addictive behaviors. The person and I are focused on each other and how to build the relationship. There should never be a situation in which the person is putting me or others down.
I want the person to be older than I am.

I think I enjoy most of these qualities in friends as well.

[Lyte]

I was about to add my short list of nonnegotiables and there they are! Thanks! :)

I need, above all, good communication and real honesty.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I've been thinking about this because I'm putting a big toe back in the dating pool after years away.

I've come to grips being a demiromantic and that it is not what other people really understand or share.

I don't get crushes on people I don't know well. So I'm not going to get butterflys and act goofy over someone I don't know.

I'm a sapiophile as well. I'm not going to go stupid over the way someone looks. Nor am I going to get vulgar over some butches muscles. I mean, I'll think they are *nice*. But I'm never going to throw my panties at them or dribble on them.

I grow in love with people, I don't fall in love with people. I still get there. But not the way most people want, and not in the time frame most people want. Roses and chocolates are lost on me. I don't really get traditional romance stuff.

I get the romance of true friendship. *Really* knowing someone and loving them for the way they climb a tree. Or pour a cup or tea for you. Or how they only eat slightly green bananas. I love the romance of real friendship and how organic that is, that you can't say "oh first you do this, and then you do that, and then, it goes this way."

The is no code, no formula, no ritual to it. It just happens because it does, because you enjoy each other and you allow each other to be who you are.

And because I'm a demiromantic, sex does not make me feel more attached to someone. Or less. Unless its continual sex added to the mix of continual friendship that just keeps organically making its way to a stronger bond.

However, I know that pretty much leaves me out of the 45+ crowd in the USA of butch-femme. Its a good thing I'm in Canada. It mostly leaves me out of the loop here though, as well in my age group.

People 35 and under get this. But they are too young for me.

people put romance before friendship and I can't do that. I can put sex before friendship or romance. But romance does not go before friendship in my universe. I will have a fun shag with someone who's company I enjoy as a human being, but I will not hold their hand having ice cream until I know them as a proper friend first. and I don't mean "oh I met you 4 times" kind of friend. A *proper* friend.

[Femmadian]

I've met so many new people in the last six months and reconnected with so many others that with all these getting-to-know-you conversations going on simultaneously, its given me occasion to reflect on what it is I need and desire to have in any relationship, whether friendly, familial, or otherwise.

Beyond the obvious things that I think everyone wants (and in no particular order), at this point in my life I'm finding these things to be important to me:



Playfulness.

Equal parts intelligence and humility.

Someone who knows they don't have all the answers (not necessarily the same thing as above) .

Gentleness of spirit and action. Likewise, a life history showing evidence of a compassionate heart.

Someone who sees the good in people... or will keep on trying until they do.

The ability to be kind when it is tough and a person who, when they see a vulnerably exposed neck on someone else, refuses to go for the jugular.

Someone who owns and understands their long term mental health quirks, who actively works to be functional in spite of them and does not lead a life ruled by them. I'm not talking about occasional blips, like situational depression or anxiety in high stress environments/periods in your life. I'm talking life long trends... being self aware enough to know what they are and being proactive enough to work with and around them.

A genuine interest in other people. Two way conversations, intentional cultivation, and someone who listens rather than simply waiting to speak... it's so vital for any meaningful connection.

Someone who does not clutch their woundedness so close to their chest, white knuckled fist, pained expression, deathly afraid to let it go. As a personality trait, I have no patience for this anymore. I am not discounting or rejecting people's trauma or life experiences but rather the kind of person who builds their identity around being a constant victim their whole life. I can't stand it. Everyone on this green Earth has been wounded, some severely and repeatedly. While the feelings arising from it are valid, woundedness does not (IMO (https://managementmania.com/en/imo-in-my-opinion)), in and of itself, make someone special. Their resilience in the face of it does. I need someone who knows the difference.

Someone who sees and seeks nuance... Someone who sees very little in life as black or white and who genuinely wants to see all the other shades there are in between.

Earnestness, enthusiasm, and emoting without shame (or trying really hard to get there; we all have different starting points). Talk about your corniest or weirdest thoughts, geek out enthusiastically, show that soft underbelly, and express those other emotions like no one ever made you feel silly or sheepish for doing so. I think you're brave as anything for doing it and I will admire the hell out of you every time I see you try (whether or not you ever truly succeed).

Someone who has a sense of poetry to their lives. Talk of your former friends and lovers with the respect they deserve. Speak of them with love and thoughtfulness, acknowledge the pathos and the joy, and show me your vulnerability while their name is on your lips.

Show me the qualities you're proud of. Don't inform me about them. Please don't boast. Show. Me. I want to fall in love with who you are as a human. Please give me the opportunity.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I've met so many new people in the last six months and reconnected with so many others that with all these getting-to-know-you conversations going on simultaneously, its given me occasion to reflect on what it is I need and desire to have in any relationship, whether friendly, familial, or otherwise.

Beyond the obvious things that I think everyone wants (and in no particular order), at this point in my life I'm finding these things to be important to me:



Playfulness.

Equal parts intelligence and humility.

Someone who knows they don't have all the answers (not necessarily the same thing as above) .

Gentleness of spirit and action. Likewise, a life history showing evidence of a compassionate heart.

Someone who sees the good in people... or will keep on trying until they do.

The ability to be kind when it is tough and a person who, when they see a vulnerably exposed neck on someone else, refuses to go for the jugular.

Someone who owns and understands their long term mental health quirks, who actively works to be functional in spite of them and does not lead a life ruled by them. I'm not talking about occasional blips, like situational depression or anxiety in high stress environments/periods in your life. I'm talking life long trends... being self aware enough to know what they are and being proactive enough to work with and around them.

A genuine interest in other people. Two way conversations, intentional cultivation, and someone who listens rather than simply waiting to speak... it's so vital for any meaningful connection.

Someone who does not clutch their woundedness so close to their chest, white knuckled fist, pained expression, deathly afraid to let it go. As a personality trait, I have no patience for this anymore. I am not discounting or rejecting people's trauma or life experiences but rather the kind of person who builds their identity around being a constant victim their whole life. I can't stand it. Everyone on this green Earth has been wounded, some severely and repeatedly. While the feelings arising from it are valid, woundedness does not (IMO (https://managementmania.com/en/imo-in-my-opinion)), in and of itself, make someone special. Their resilience in the face of it does. I need someone who knows the difference.

Someone who sees and seeks nuance... Someone who sees very little in life as black or white and who genuinely wants to see all the other shades there are in between.

Earnestness, enthusiasm, and emoting without shame (or trying really hard to get there; we all have different starting points). Talk about your corniest or weirdest thoughts, geek out enthusiastically, show that soft underbelly, and express those other emotions like no one ever made you feel silly or sheepish for doing so. I think you're brave as anything for doing it and I will admire the hell out of you every time I see you try (whether or not you ever truly succeed).

Someone who has a sense of poetry to their lives. Talk of your former friends and lovers with the respect they deserve. Speak of them with love and thoughtfulness, acknowledge the pathos and the joy, and show me your vulnerability while their name is on your lips.

Show me the qualities you're proud of. Don't inform me about them. Please don't boast. Show. Me. I want to fall in love with who you are as a human. Please give me the opportunity.


That you have a cognitive list of traits is great!!! I think the last one is really important. That it is shown. I do LOVE to natter with folks. Its fun and I am an extravert so for me its necessary for me in order to put my thoughts in order. But no, I don't really hold words for truth anymore from folks, I know better. So as you say, I need to be shown. And not with someone's best date foot forward - I want to see who they are, really.

I hate dating. I like hanging out. I'm not a formal person. I loved going on dates with someone I was *seeing* and already knew and trusted. I loved going on dates with my ex-wife. But I hate dating strangers. It feels like a fucking job interview with forced romance.

Anyway, traits?


similar sense of humour
interest in sciency or geek shit for those long conversations and fun outings
patience. They really have to know how to put something down for a while and go and do something else. Impatient people ride me for things and I can't. Not anymore.
the ability to feel connected to others without needing daily contact. That's a big one.
Confidence that things are ok right now as they are. And confidence in the ability to change them if they are not.
Not looking for another human to bring meaning to their life because they already have that.
Not emotionally mecurial, capricous. Emotionally fairly even. I don't mean one feeling, but I mean I am not dealing with extreme emotions every time I see them.
Loves independance - for themselves and others. Dosen't need to be needed by a partner. Prefers to be wanted.
Dosen't want to live with me or share finances.
Wants to wait and see until there is actual trust formed from having time and experience with each other. Not expect payment in vulnerability for time put in. People become friends because it works, not because they expect something at the end of it.


That last one is a big one. If someone is dogpiling all these romantic daydream end points into the friendship, from the very beginning, that's not really how it works. :( That just feels like pressure.

But the genuine understanding that its ok if this is just friendship or hey, if it turns out it grows into something else, that would be good. And then mentally *leaving it there.*

It's *totally* ok to notice it now and again, the other person's attractive qualities and have a wandering thought. ;)

But I really do notice when people's trajectories are "I wonder when this will be long enough to date." :s and I hate it. Its not sincere friendship.

thanks for the thought provoking post about traits.

[JDeere]

Not many in this big city have what I am looking for so, when I do start really dating, I do not see an easy road ahead of me.

Friends first is what I am going by this time around!

[Kätzchen]

Bumping this thread to the front page, in case others would enjoy reading this forum thread for useful perspective. :bunchflowers:

[easygoingfemme]

Hmmm. Well I committed to a pretty serious monogamous relationship with myself in January of this year. It's been going very nicely but, in some ways, I feel like we've only just begun. I am pretty sure I'll be renewing that contract this coming January.

[Stone-Butch]

Communication and Respect. Honesty and Integrity. Love and Understanding.