What do you do??

[MissPriss]

I have been searching my mind for the answer for weeks now. Looking for advice on what to do when someone is so jaded by a past relationship, that they have cut off the possibility?? She has been out of the relationship for 5 years, and I think things could be great for us. However, she will not let go of the bad parts of the relationship she had to give us a chance. I want a relationship with her, so what do you think? Walk away? Hang on?

[The_Lady_Snow]

Sounds like she's not ready AT ALL to be part of a relationship, no sense in making her issues yours... Good luck!

[princessbelle]

Agrees with Lady Snow. Even if it's been 10 years....she's evidently not over it. I'm afraid it may lead to a lot of frustration and disappointment for you.

I'd walk....just MHO

[girl_dee]

RED FLAG ALERT!

You can't *make* someone be ready and forget the past. Some people are comfortable holding on to it. Until she is ready, I would not jump in.

It's no fun being the other woman inside your own relationship, and that is what you would be if she is still making the past a priority.

[Waldo]

Yep - that's a "run, don't walk" situation.

You can't build a future with someone who is busy looking in the rear view mirror.

[MissPriss]

Wow everyone thanks so much. I didnt think I would get a response that fast. Thanks so much for taking the time to read and respond. Im pretty sure I said Thank You to everyone individually but decided to post this just to know it wasnt missed...Again, Thanks to everyone!!!

[Hack]

Sometimes one is permanently scarred. It really is a matter of how you tend to the wound. Not everyone heals the same. And some never completely heal. I agree with the others here...determining if/when you are ready is a very personal journey for the individual.

[Mister Bent]

Sometimes one is permanently scarred. It really is a matter of how you tend to the wound. Not everyone heals the same. And some never completely heal. I agree with the others here...determining if/when you are ready is a very personal journey for the individual.


Without more details, it's impossible to speak to your particular situation, but I take issue with the notion that someone who has decided that moving forward into a new relationship is looking in the rear view mirror, living in the past or otherwise holding on. While that may be true for some, it is not universally the case. Nor do I believe in "permanent scarring," but it's possible there is damage significant enough that the time it takes to heal is a long time (and doesn't suit those who wish for "more"). No one can determine for another what that length of time is going to be. Sometimes therapy might be in order to help time work its magic.

And sometimes choosing not to be in a relationship is a wise choice based on lessons learned, as opposed to jadedness. Personally, I prefer the term "wisdom." Our society, and this community in particular, is so relationship-centric. Whatever happened to two people who enjoy each other's company simply doing that? Why do we need to be paired and have proprietorship over one another?

[tapu]

I was the other person in the situation you describe. As that other person, I can tell you to turn around, walk away from me, and don't look back.

It's not that I was bad to the person who was trying to draw me back out into the mating pool. It's that I couldn't say No! I can't do this! until she was ready to move in.

Don't go through the heartache. You will forget.

[girl_dee]

I do wonder if in for example, my post that we speak only from our personal history/ experiences. My knee jerk reaction was to advise her to run.

I was the new girl with someone that could not let go. I knew this person was upset about their previous relationship but not until things were well on their way did I realize how much. There is one thing with having fond memories or even unfond memories, but when it drives a person, when it's all they think about and are disconnected from the new person it is a huge problem. It does not feel good nor is it productive to be with someone who is totally fixated on the past. What's more is that some people don't show how fixated they are on the past until it's safe and the new person is settled in to this new relationship. I would have been content being with this person and helping them along their journey without investing so much into it, had I known.

I agree that therapy could work some magic here, but only if the person recognizes that this could be a problem and that they really want to do the work.

It's not really about wanting or not wanting a new relationship it's about their journey and how they want to proceed.

[MissPriss]

Ahhhh *deep breath* So, the way this story ends is as follows......We had made dinner plans for the night and she called about an hour ago to confirm and talk about where we go, she asked me where I would like to go and when I answered she gasped. I waited for a response and she says to me after I wait for at least 4 minutes " (her exes names here) does not that like place, I could never go there". So, I politely suggested that she give her a call and they plans and then I hit the end button. Thanks everyone for your replies!!!!

[The_Lady_Snow]

4 minutes???? Oy vey one minute of silence would of been enough for me, I'm sorry this person has zero consideration for you I hope you find someone who knows how valuable you are:)

[*Anya*]

Sometimes one is permanently scarred. It really is a matter of how you tend to the wound. Not everyone heals the same. And some never completely heal. I agree with the others here...determining if/when you are ready is a very personal journey for the individual.
As I have posted previously, it has taken me 5 years to clear out my head and heart to be able to look forward, instead of backwards. I was not able to date at all due to profound sadness and loss of trust due to the tremendous sense of
betrayal & wounding that I felt. I did not date because I knew I just could not be present in any sense of the word. If I meet someone now that is still dealing with baggage, I personally would run, not walk for the nearest exit. Not everyone is able to be honest with themselves. I am so glad I did not even try to get involved before now. It would have been so unfair to someone new.

[Tangle]

I agree, for the most part, with the posts above. And Miss Priss, honestly it seems like that advice was correct for your situation - the person you were dating was certainly not 'into' you the way you undoubtedly deserve.

A bit of devil's advocacy though - I think that there is a tendency to believe that Any talk of past relationships or comparing people you've been with to the present partner is wrong, uncool, wading in the past. I disagree. I think that when dating, having fun and feeling someone out is really important and half of the point. The other half of the point is, for many people, to find someone who you may be compatible with in a more intense relationship.

I am a painfully honest person - and if I'm considering being 'with' someone, all of who i am and what I think is essentially out there on the table to be read/listened to/mulled over by my potential lover- I would never want someone to make an important decision about me based off of my charm and grace *laugh* (jk). If someone does something or says something that is either a trigger for me, or refreshingly different from what I endured in my past 9-year relationship, I'm going to say so.

It's not a daily thing, but if there's a moment of beauty that surprises me b/c it's not what I was used to from before, I feel like I should be able to share that and say "thank you!" - and not hide why it's so lovely to me. I am in no way hung up on that past relationship - I took over a year to figure myself out before I really decided i was ready for whatever might come my way - but I reserve the right to discuss my past occasionally, as that person was my primary life relationship for approximately a third of my life.

*curtsy* thanks

[Soft*Silver]

I am permanently damaged by past relationships. Some were my fault. I walked into a few that I should have not given life to. One, was her fault. She stole so much from me its not even funny. After much therapy, I concluded I am not able to trust again. I have a Ds relationship with a sub who I adore. I have a dear dear friendship also. But thats it. I couldnt give more if I tried. The first time someone would make a mistake, or worse, a PERCEIVED mistake, I wouldnt trust my reactions. I was gutted and have PTSD (official diagnosis with meds and everything!) from these few past loves. I have "moved on" but I KNOW in that "moving on" that this is the way it has to be now. I have had some locals try to woo me in. One, I had to break all ties to because she would not take no for an answer. By god, she trulytried to force herself on me believing her love was gonna save me. Instead, it made me insane. I snarled so much I hated her for putting this pressure on me because i was CLEAR in my communications that I wanted none of that! Friendship, yes, but nothing more.

Dont fuck with her. Its a tough spot teetering on that tightrope. She has her balance....you will simply make her lose it...