Dating women with children, any thoughts?

[J. Mason]

Anyone else out there that date women with children, teens or adult kids? Do their children accept you or have there been any problems? I ask due to finding myself possibly wanting to be with a woman who has kids, I am just asking for stories or experiences from others as opinions. :glasses:

[Corkey]

On a site where there are women with kids your bound to bump into dating women with children. Her priorities are going to be her children, so keep that in mind and don't try to be their parent, you aren't. If and when she feels like your safe enough to be around her kids she'll let you know, but don't push it. That has been my experience with dating women with children.

Hope things work out for you, and welcome to the Planet.

[J. Mason]

Ty for the welcome!!! and Thanks for posting I wasn't expecting a post so fast lol!

[Corkey]

Ty for the welcome!!! and Thanks for posting I wasn't expecting a post so fast lol!

Welcome to the age of speed of communication LOL

[Julie]

As a woman who has children and who has dated/loved while raising children... (though mine are now 20, 21 & 22).

Just remember this - and hopefully she lives by this rule.

The kids come first. The kids always have to come first.
Depending on the ages of the kids -- Sex can be quite the challenge. So can dating. I can remember many a date or long weekend being cancelled due to illness, etc. You just have to always remain patient, loving and supportive.

And for god sake (experience) don't ever try and buy the kids (presents, etc) - They might LOVE it, but they will not respect you.

Good luck and take it slow. Kids are a wonderful wonderful gift -- but they can also be a challenge.

Julie

[The_Lady_Snow]

You are going to have to ask yourself how much you like kids, and if you don't like kids, then please don't date a woman with kids...

If you like them...

Be patient, be kind, know that a woman should and will always place her children first no matter what and if she doesn't you may wanna rethink that person.

Kids need to feel safe so don't be pushy, don't try to buy mom via the kids and most of all be ready for a roller coaster ride, kids are a like one of the most twisty, windy, up and down ride you have ever experienced but worth the wait in line..

Good luck!!!

[J. Mason]

Oh yeah no presents thats a given and respect is earned even by kids correct?

[Julie]

I always taught my kids this.
Actually, I felt it was important to keep them safe from predators.

RESPECT is a two way street. You do NOT have to respect someone because they are an adult. Even ADULTS need to earn your respect and you need to earn theirs. Of course, being polite is a different story.

Kids really are not puppies. They are complex little creatures with emotions and attachments. Sounds like a puppy -- except, you cannot leave them with just the water bowl filled. They require care and nurturing.

And please... If you are looking for the romantic idea of instant family - don't. There is nothing romantic about children. While they are gifts in our lives, they are never to be taken lightly.

[Daywalker]

I've had partners with youngenz before.

I had the fortune of being accepted by these awesome kids.
:hangloose:

To co-parent thru potty training, teachers meetings, and yes...even
fighting for full custody (we won!); those opportunities and experiences
can never be replaced and I feel fortunate to have been
able to be a part of their lives.

The hardest part is when the relationship ends.

Needless to say one of my Exes used the child as a pawn in attempt to
reconcile. That was a no-no, and it only hurts the child. I have not seen
her child in years now, which is sad. My other Ex never pulled that game,
and I have seen how beautiful her daughter grew up to be.

Anyway, if you are willing to be selfless and dedicate time and patience
with the children that is great. Do not...ever feel jealousy over the Mom's
love for the children. It is a different love that no one else can get in front of.
Nor should they.

:coffee:

Wishing you well in your endeavors.

:daywalker:

[J. Mason]

Thanks to all who have posted so far, I look forward to seeing more posts on this subject.

[OS Butch]

As a parent of a now 21 yo, When she was younger, I never introduced mine to anyone I dated immediately. If I were dating today, I would not hesitate to introduce my date to her....she actually probably has a better incite to me than I do myself. For me, I would see a red flag if a person of interest to me wanted to introduce me to her child/ren.
There are many things to consider, especially because kids come 1st, if they don't....Again, Red Flag for me.
Ageist as it sounds, at 54, I would not consider dating anyone with a pre-teen. That brings many things into play that I don't think I have the capacity to handle.....co-parenting would be a biggie in my book.
Lots to consider...especially if you have no experience with kids. It can be done, it is just different than dating with no children.

OSB

[lillith]

I have been on both sides of this coin. I have an ex who demanded that I send my son to boarding school. Needless to say, within 20 seconds of that comment, she was gone. I have dated someone who liked hanging out with my kid more than me. I have also dated someone with kids. She had amazing kids, but she was not on the safe side to date. I think there are a lot of factors to consider, but I think it is wise to watch how she interacts with her child(ren). If she does not place them first, then I can safely say, she will never put you first at any point. If she is too protective, then the relationship will not blossom. It is a fine balance; everyone needs to be able to juggle while remaining as flexible as possible. There are certainly going to be challenging moments, but remember, they are just moments; they will pass. Also remember, there is nothing on earth like the love of a child. So be sincere, honest, respectable, trustworthy, and kind. You will get back all this and more from the mother and the child(ren).

[Glenn]

My wife had a beautiful 2 year old daughter when I met her. I still don't know which one I love more, or loves me more:) Of course you can get babysitters to go out and be alone like we did. But most of the time, our dates consisted of going on trips together,thezoo, museums, home movies and board games,trick or treating, teaching them stuff you learned, school things like sports/concerts, parent-teacher meetings, circuses, kids birthday parties, friends sleeping over, movies, eating out, malls, etc.

[J. Mason]

My wife had a beautiful 2 year old daughter when I met her. I still don't know which one I love more:) Of course you can get babysitters to go out and be alone like we did. But most of the time, my dates consisted of going on trips together,thezoo, museums, home movies and board games,trick or treating, teaching them stuff you learned, school things like sports/concerts, parent-teacher meetings, circuses, kids birthday parties, friends sleeping over, movies.etc.you get the picture?

Oh yes I do. I have dated women with small children before it didn't work out too well due to the kid's father being in the picture. This particular woman I speak of now has 15 year old twin boys and I have never been up to par on what to do with teenagers.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Oh yes I do. I have dated women with small children before it didn't work out too well due to the kid's father being in the picture. This particular woman I speak of now has 15 year old twin boys and I have never been up to par on what to do with teenagers.



Funny thing with kids is they come with another set of family besides the mother and the mother's side... That's something that is between them, you're not to speak ugly of other said parent in front of child for that is speaking ill of them. Teen agers aren't a picnic, they are one boundary setting after another, remember being one? They are going to push... It's part of their journey it's up to the parental units to set clear boundaries and lines of respect amongst the family unit..... You are coming into their family and have to remember they are going to let you in or not.

Good Luck and be patient..

[J. Mason]

Yup lots of patience and if I do go meet her she already told me I am meeting them. Just no clue on how to mingle with them and what they like to do except eat LOL.

Oh lawd me as a teenger, now that's another story in itself.

[moxie]

Yup lots of patience and if I do go meet her she already told me I am meeting them. Just no clue on how to mingle with them and what they like to do except eat LOL.

Oh lawd me as a teenger, now that's another story in itself.

Maybe I am reading too much into it, and please tell me if I am incorrect, but it sounds like the first time you meet her you will be meeting the kids too. Is this correct?

[The_Lady_Snow]

Maybe I am reading too much into it, and please tell me if I am incorrect, but it sounds like the first time you meet her you will be meeting the kids too. Is this correct?



http://www.barbaraling.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/DangerWillRobinson.jpg

[J. Mason]

Maybe I am reading too much into it, and please tell me if I am incorrect, but it sounds like the first time you meet her you will be meeting the kids too. Is this correct?

Yes you are correct. I think she has spoken to the boys about me in good context and I have never given her any reason to not trust me. Ohhh and this is someone who is NOT on this site, just to clear things up.

[dixie]

I have a teenage son. I am very picky about who he meets. I most definitely would not introduce him to someone the first time I was meeting them myself. Perhaps I am over-protective. Usually I have to be seriously dating the person before introductions are made to any member of my family, for that matter. I figure that I need to know the person well and have a relationship (or intention of one) before I will take the risk of my son getting involved and possibly attached.

[The_Lady_Snow]

[QUOTE=J. Mason;401197]Yes you are correct. I think she has spoken to the boys about me in good context and I have never given her any reason to not trust me. Ohhh and this is someone who is NOT on this site, just to clear things up.[/QUt


I would think you would want to hang out with Mom first without the kids being involved, you don't even know if you can hang with this relationship why expose the kids? If you aren't gonna stick around for a long time there is no sense in meeting the kids until some kind of relationship or friendship is built and has some steady foundation. I could be wrong though...:|

[J. Mason]

Oh of course I do wanna spend time with the mom without the boys thats a given.

[moxie]

Yes you are correct. I think she has spoken to the boys about me in good context and I have never given her any reason to not trust me. Ohhh and this is someone who is NOT on this site, just to clear things up.

I can tell you from personal experience of being the child of a single mother who dated a lot and men were introduced quickly and often it was VERY confusing and hurt a lot when the relationship didn't go anywhere. Children are very resilient but at the same time, it is not fair to bring people into their lives that may not be there for the long haul. Kids don't understand the complexities.

[J. Mason]

I can tell you from personal experience of being the child of a single mother who dated a lot and men were introduced quickly and often it was VERY confusing and hurt a lot when the relationship didn't go anywhere. Children are very resilient but at the same time, it is not fair to bring people into their lives that may not be there for the long haul. Kids don't understand the complexities.

Wow I didn't think about it like that, which makes me wonder why she doesn't mind me meeting the boys right off.

[dixie]

Yes you are correct. I think she has spoken to the boys about me in good context and I have never given her any reason to not trust me. Ohhh and this is someone who is NOT on this site, just to clear things up.



I would think you would want to hang out with Mom first without the kids being involved, you don't even know if you can hang with this relationship why expose the kids? If you aren't gonna stick around for a long time there is no sense in meeting the kids until some kind of relationship or friendship is built and has some steady foundation. I could be wrong though...:|

I have to agree with Snow. There's never a guarantee how things will go in a first meeting, even if things seem perfect beforehand. I don't understand why someone would want to expose their children right off the bat to someone who may not (hopefully may) be a presence in their lives. Also, perhaps it's just me, but I think especially first meetings should be focused on the two individuals. Y'all need time together and alone to talk and get to know one another in person. With children present it will be harder to accomplish this and may give a false sense of things, if you will.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Oh of course I do wanna spend time with the mom without the boys thats a given.


Maybe until you and her have some form of solid relationship or friendship, the kids should be kept out. It's only fair to them. Just a suggestion:)

[Corkey]

I'm kind of wondering if perhaps she isn't as comfortable and is bringing the teenagers with for emotional back up. Which if the case would send up a red flag for me. Not that I know her or you but it's kind of well, weird.

[J. Mason]

Maybe until you and her have some form of solid relationship or friendship, the kids should be kept out. It's only fair to them. Just a suggestion:)

I appreciate that, I made this thread for alot of open suggestions and opinions on the whole topic, I am glad to see positive posts.

[RadiantYearning]

Oh yes I do. I have dated women with small children before it didn't work out too well due to the kid's father being in the picture. This particular woman I speak of now has 15 year old twin boys and I have never been up to par on what to do with teenagers.

I have three children ... they are 18, 15 and 5. I'm incredibly open with my children and I don't hide my affection for my partners from them because I refuse to give them a reason to ever feel ashamed of who their mother is or who I love. It kills me when people, especially parents, cry and complain about acceptance when they themselves aren't even proud enough of who they are to share all of their lives with their kids. I understand special circumstances and I don't pretend to always be right or understand every situation ... I only know that very often it's the parents themselves who plant the seeds of shame in their own kids.

That being said, kids, especially teenagers, can sniff out a phony faster than a bloodhound!! Everyone who said don't try to buy the kids couldn't have been more dead on. Sure, the kids will enjoy whatever it is you spoil them with but they will absolutely see right through you and the best you can hope for then will be polite manipulation. My best advice is to be genuine and take the time to get to know the kids. Spend time with them and let them know that you sincerely accept them as part of the package. Respect is indeed a two way street, especially with teenagers who are quickly approaching young adulthood. Respect that these boys are their mother's first priority in the world regardless of their age and know that the way you treat their mom will directly impact your relationship with them and thus your relationship with her! Also know that if you attempt to compete with them, you will lose so don't try ... there are so many different ways to love, strive to make the love between the two of you special while accepting that the love between a mother and her children is always paramount.

[Tcountry]

Dating 101: :blink:

How long have you been talking and what are the current intentions?If you have been talking for a long time and the delay in the first meeting is because of distance...
If intentions are long term
If you have actually had a phone convo with the kids

What is the event schedule for this first meeting?Are you meeting mother and kids for dinner and then getting "us time" with just the mother?

How old are the kids and how out/open is the mother?The kids are teenagers, the mom could be very open with them. They could be, like Radiant indicated, the BS meters...lol
Younger kids attach easier and faster (or the ones I have met)
How close is mom to the kids father? How close are the kids?

What is the mother's thought process as to your meeting the kids, and what would you be introduced as?Why is she wanting you to meet them first meeting?
Will you be her "friend", someone she wants to date, etc etc...?

AND these are just the questions I can think of at the moment.
A lot of it has to do with the mother and her intentions and actions/feelings...not only about you but about dating and about her kids.
I have been in a relationship where the father lived in the same town and we all celebrated major holidays together...
I have talked to one lady and during one of the first phone convos talked to her teenage daughter(by daughter's request)...

It is all relivant and every family is as different as every individual person here...I would advise you to keep communication honest and clear before during and after first meeting.

IF you have any doubts or hesitations...please voice them BEFORE you ever meet the kids.

All the living together, and parenting, and stuff like that advise would come later...lol

That is all I have for now.... *tip hat* good luck!

[always2late]

After reading the posts, as a mom, I'd like to add my two cents. From what was written, it seems that you will be meeting the kids the first time the two of you meet. No disrespect towards you or your date, but I don't think that's such a good idea. I've never let my son meet anyone I've dated on our first date, and especially not the first time I've ever met in person. Again, this is not meant to be disrespectful, but you never REALLY know someone until you spend some actual face-time with them. I just think a first meeting is way too soon to involve the kids.

[Mtn]

I was blessed with three beautiful children out of relationships, all when they were about 5, they remain MINE to this day, (Laura RIP), They were always first, and responded to the love they felt all around. As I have gotten older and been with women with adult children, they have become mine as well, and I cherish those relationships. I have always understood my place, and respected their relationships with their Mom. Syl has a 15 and 18 yr old, and we are developing relationships. Some days are good and some days are not,lol. Be real, be PRESENT, respect everyone, and understand that no matter how old they are they will call crying and YOUR needs will not matter a hooot. Best of luck!

[jelli]

Oh yes I do. I have dated women with small children before it didn't work out too well due to the kid's father being in the picture. This particular woman I speak of now has 15 year old twin boys and I have never been up to par on what to do with teenagers.

The father being in the picture is not always a bad situation. Just sayin'.

[J. Mason]

The father being in the picture is not always a bad situation. Just sayin'.

no it's not but when he says negative things about you to the kids there is a problem, IMO

[jelli]

no it's not but when he says negative things about you to the kids there is a problem, IMO

I am just stating the father doesn't automatically equal a bad situation. It's more effective for all concerned to judge it on a case by case basis.

[J. Mason]

I am just stating the father doesn't automatically equal a bad situation. It's more effective for all concerned to judge it on a case by case basis.

True, I didn't mean for my post to come across as seeming like a bad situation.

[jelli]

I have three children ... they are 18, 15 and 5. I'm incredibly open with my children and I don't hide my affection for my partners from them because I refuse to give them a reason to ever feel ashamed of who their mother is or who I love. It kills me when people, especially parents, cry and complain about acceptance when they themselves aren't even proud enough of who they are to share all of their lives with their kids. I understand special circumstances and I don't pretend to always be right or understand every situation ... I only know that very often it's the parents themselves who plant the seeds of shame in their own kids.

That being said, kids, especially teenagers, can sniff out a phony faster than a bloodhound!! Everyone who said don't try to buy the kids couldn't have been more dead on. Sure, the kids will enjoy whatever it is you spoil them with but they will absolutely see right through you and the best you can hope for then will be polite manipulation. My best advice is to be genuine and take the time to get to know the kids. Spend time with them and let them know that you sincerely accept them as part of the package. Respect is indeed a two way street, especially with teenagers who are quickly approaching young adulthood. Respect that these boys are their mother's first priority in the world regardless of their age and know that the way you treat their mom will directly impact your relationship with them and thus your relationship with her! Also know that if you attempt to compete with them, you will lose so don't try ... there are so many different ways to love, strive to make the love between the two of you special while accepting that the love between a mother and her children is always paramount.

The statement about the kids being like bloodhounds... If that were true than why do we have all the issues with breakups, dating, etc?

[jelli]

I am a mother of 5, yes 5. I met my partner, Cruel, 9 years ago. Cruel had no children and was pretty sure would not date someone that had children. Boy, did I *show* her....lol Cruel knew of my kids right away, but did not meet them for a couple months. We dated, we got to know one another as best we could, but I am not sure one can ever prepare themselves enough - only as best as possible.

Cruel and I had talks about parenting skill, issues we might face that possibly could cause conflict, boundaries, money, education, employment, etc.

We found situations periodically that caused conflict or caused us to examine what was behind the way we were feeling/thinking/acting. We sought out counseling at one point and it was such a turning point. This didn't have so much to do with the issues at hand, but more in the way we were communicating ourselves.

We have had to deal with a father that was constantly surfacing in a neg. light and the feelings that brought about for our kids and in turn us.

One thing we agree that we never discussed was the age of the kids when we started our relationship and how their development(in many areas) and level of maturity may also play a role in how they accept/deny a relationship or the incoming partner.

I have the utmost respect and admiration for the task my Cruel took on and the growth that has taken place over the years. We are better individuals because of each other and because of that fact we are a better couple and better parenting unit.

I am a firm believer in getting to know the person face to face and taking your time to do so. When and if the time is right then meet the kids. Get to know the kids slowly and in doing so experience how the parent is with their child(ren). Perhaps you won't like how they interact with one another. Perhaps it will bring up some issues from your own childhood/past. Prepare yourself for the fact the parent could like you, but the kids not so much.

Then what???

No matter what you two adults choose to do please remember the kids are impacted by everything. Of course they are resilient beings, but sometimes they are unnecessarily involved in situations or decisions that could've been put off until a more appropriate time or avoided altogether.

[LaneyDoll]

As someone with kids, I have a few thoughts as they relate to me and my children...
*rather than gifts, my kids would prefer time/attention, but only if it is shared in a genuine manner; but if you must present a gift, make it one that shows you put some thought and effort into it. Do NOT buy any gift that adds to my expenses. A puppy is cute & all but I have to pay a pet deposit of $400 if you show up with one.
*ALL ages of kids have their good & bad times; my 13 year old is probably easier to be around than my 7 year old b/c my oldest can sit and have an intelligent conversation with you while my 7 year old won't have much to talk about beyond 7 year old things
*my kids come first-period. But my situation is different. My kids go to their dad's place on "his weekends" and they go visit my mom on "my weekends." So, I actually have a decent amount of alone/adult time.
*I do not expect someone to be a surrogate parent. My children have a mother and a father and both are present in the kids lives. Anyone else should be a friend, role model, confidant etc. Not that they are less important, they just have a different place in the kids lives.
*I struggle with how soon someone meets my kids. A friend once advised that I let people meet the kids early on, to establish that my kids ARE part of my life. But, on the other hand, I am pretty protective. Anyone who meets my kids early on is introduced as "my friend."

Families are well worth the investment in time/effort. But not everyone is made to date a family. I have dated women in the past who just could not handle it and things ended. And I respect them for having gotten out when they did, rather than everyone be miserable.

:sparklyheart:

[LaneyDoll]

no it's not but when he says negative things about you to the kids there is a problem, IMO

Seems to me that the problem here is with the father, not the kids. Your s/o needs to address this issue-both with the father & the children. She may not be able to change the father's attitude but maybe she can use it in a lesson to the kids of "how people sometimes are hurt or angry and they say mean, untrue things about other people." The main thing is to not sink to that level & say mean things in return. Kids are not pawns.

[J. Mason]

Seems to me that the problem here is with the father, not the kids. Your s/o needs to address this issue-both with the father & the children. She may not be able to change the father's attitude but maybe she can use it in a lesson to the kids of "how people sometimes are hurt or angry and they say mean, untrue things about other people." The main thing is to not sink to that level & say mean things in return. Kids are not pawns.


Yes the father was the issue and I don't recall my ex ever saying anything, just shrugging it off. I was taught not to say anything negative back and never did, ya know kept my feelings to myself most of the time or expressed them to my parents (who never said a word thank god) and I agree children of any age are not pawns.

[The_Lady_Snow]

It doesn't help when parents talk about other parents about potential mates.. Kids need to not hear that shit period... I wish you all luck..

[J. Mason]

Ain't that the truth and TY!

[Ebon]

I can tell you from personal experience of being the child of a single mother who dated a lot and men were introduced quickly and often it was VERY confusing and hurt a lot when the relationship didn't go anywhere. Children are very resilient but at the same time, it is not fair to bring people into their lives that may not be there for the long haul. Kids don't understand the complexities.

Yeah I grew up in this situation as well. My mom put the guys before me and my sister so I ended up taking care of my sister.

My ex used her daughter, who I became very close with, to try to hurt me. Unfortunately it worked. I wish I could have watched her grow up but I wasn't ready for what mom was ready for, I was a kid myself and I never got to see her again after we split. So I hope that doesn't happen to you or anyone else for that matter.

[RadiantYearning]

The statement about the kids being like bloodhounds... If that were true than why do we have all the issues with breakups, dating, etc?

My apologies, I don't have any of the issues that you speak of so I will correct my statement. My children have always been able to sniff out phonies better than bloodhounds, especially my son who is my oldest. I'm sorry if my statement didn't apply to you.

[Strappie]

My ex had two children. We got a long for the most part. The one thing we (my ex and I) talked about before we decided to live together was that I was not going to be involved with discipline. I needed to establish that I was not their parent that I was there to help guide them if they came to me. Which the youngest she always came to me. I think she just needed someone to listen to. Her mom wasn't good at listening to her (it was a shame) because her daughter was exactly like her and my ex was exactly like her mother.

However the problem that my ex and I had was that my ex would not come out to the kids. However we slept in the same bed, yet we were unable to be affectionate outside the bedroom. After a year of living together I became some what of the disciplinary person because she would get so mad at me if I didn't handle things. It eventually made me resent her for it. We eventually broke up, it that was one reason we didn't make it.

As I look back... I'd do it all over again. However, the woman I end up with will be out to her kids and I will not be the disciplinary person. I think that is very important not to waltz right in and think you can be a parent. Depending on the age of the kid/s it's all a matter of how well they adapt to the two of you together. A young child is in my opinion different but a pre-teen or teenagers are off limits to discipline in a new relationship.

I would totally date a Mother, I find Mom's super sexy!

[Starbuck]

I'm dating a mom right now, her daughters are 7 and 12 and she is their disciplinarian; however, with that in mind she said I have her persmission to discipline them if they disrespect me in any way. I still do feel comfortable doing that so I leave it up to her. My way to deal with them is through love, which is a different approach than hers (authoritarian). They both come to me and love me very much and I absolutely adore both of them. There's my wish it could all work out for us. That is my wish that I never want to admit to. :praying:

[Lizzy]

My ex had two children. We got a long for the most part. The one thing we (my ex and I) talked about before we decided to live together was that I was not going to be involved with discipline. I needed to establish that I was not their parent that I was there to help guide them if they came to me. Which the youngest she always came to me. I think she just needed someone to listen to. Her mom wasn't good at listening to her (it was a shame) because her daughter was exactly like her and my ex was exactly like her mother.

However the problem that my ex and I had was that my ex would not come out to the kids. However we slept in the same bed, yet we were unable to be affectionate outside the bedroom. After a year of living together I became some what of the disciplinary person because she would get so mad at me if I didn't handle things. It eventually made me resent her for it. We eventually broke up, it that was one reason we didn't make it.


As I look back... I'd do it all over again. However, the woman I end up with will be out to her kids and I will not be the disciplinary person. I think that is very important not to waltz right in and think you can be a parent. Depending on the age of the kid/s it's all a matter of how well they adapt to the two of you together. A young child is in my opinion different but a pre-teen or teenagers are off limits to discipline in a new relationship.

I would totally date a Mother, I find Mom's super sexy!

Dating with children is very difficult.There is a fine line to walk.I always wanted my kids to respect my partner and listen to both of us but I found my kids began to get resentful when my partner would step in and try to discipline them.Then we tried to have only myself deal with behavior issues and that was not easy either but it seemed to work out much better.When one of the kids would act up my partner would tell me about whatever the situation was and then I would speak to the boys and determine the punishment.

I also agree that the age the children are depends on how easily the adjustment is.My kids were ten and four when my partner and I got together.My ten year old blamed my partner for the breakup of my marriage(this wasn't true but he believed it)so he already held a grudge so he was very sensative.My younger son was only four so he was much more open to my partner and listend a whole lot better.

[bigbutchmistie]

As a general rule I dont date women with kids at home. This is a personal preference. However I do admire those that can. I agree with some of the posts here that say if you arent gonna be around for the long haul dont come around the kids. Also, I think that if you are going to partner with someone with kids you should appear to the kids as a "united front". Whatever mom says goes whatever the other says goes. So on and so forth. And I cant stand it when I see someone with kids just bring whomever they are dating around their kids. Kids arent stupid they see through all of it.

Anyway, good luck to you... And all of you who have children and are partnered and or trying to partner with those that do. :)

[J. Mason]

Thank you for everyone who has responded I am glad to see positive discussion and am looking forward to more posts.

[Ginger]

I'm the live-in girlfriend of a single mom, and here's what I've learned. Every situation is different but here's what works in mine:

1) Avoid ever taking a parental or disciplinary role. If safety is involved, of course, step up to the plate, and quickly. Otherwise, wait and report the behavior to the mom--but only if you think she'd want to hear it! And save your silver bullets. Don't go running to her all the time with troubling shit the kid did.

What I found works best in my situation is, that even if it's something little, like setting the table, I now ask the mom to ask the kid. I made the mistake in the beginning, of assuming I would be some kind of co-parent, or step-mom, and that caused all kinds of problems. So, I took it way, way down. Result? Peace. The kid is nicer to me, and the mom isn't bent out of shape at what she sees as my interference in her parenting.


2) Never fight in front of the kid. Did your parents fight in front of you? Mine did, all the time--and it felt awful. I don't want to put another kid in that situation. Besides, even if your partner is being an asshole, if the kid sees you fight, you're the bad guy, and that feels ever worse than the fight.


3) Accept, and don't take it personally, that you will never come first with your partner. Well, maybe on a very rare basis, you'll feel like you're the priority, but if you need a lot of that, you're in for a lot of disappointment. The kid comes first, and if you can't handle that, find a partner without a kid and stop torturing her with your whining--she will only resent you for it.


4) Hold on to your sense of self; don't abandon your own hobbies and beloved "grownup" activities; don't lose touch with your friends and things that aren't "kid friendly." Gradually, in an organic way, you might gel as a "family" with your partner and her kid/s, but then again, she might not have that as a goal (mine doesn't; she tried to tell me as much, but I didn't hear it at first). Besides being clear about expectations before you move in, be flexible, and once you do move in, go with the flow. It's not a predictable process and meanwhile, it's incredibly important to make sure you have your own life, that your own identify is intact and not dependent on fitting into some fantasy you thought would happen and isn't going to.


5) I guess last of all I want to reiterate something from that last point--be clear about your expectations, before you move in.

These aren't things I learned easily, and they aren't appropriate for everyone, so please don't take offense if they aren't right for you. Honestly if they spare one person the heartache I experienced, living under some very misguided expectations, it's worth the trouble posting it.

Good luck.

IslandScout

[mariamma]

Interesting thread. I have 3 kids who are awesome! My ex seems to be more drawn to the kids than he ever was to me. Yes, they are that awesome. When I mention to women that I have young kids, they recoil a bit. After they meet them, they relax and enjoy their silly, charming nature. My kids are very much like me. I am kid at heart. But I usually am in adult mode when I am with them since they need guidance and focus.
I've had to distance myself from women who want kids and try to grasp for my kids. It just doesn't seem healthy to over emote around kids that you are meeting for the first time. It's great to like kids and want a GF who has them. But...
Every mother is different. But my kids come first, always. Period. They are the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing on my mind when I go to sleep (well, one of the last things). They spend 1/2 the week with their father so I have alone time and get to recharge my batteries. I'm single and have time to date (however, there are no local women I would like to date). I suspect that women believe 3 kids would take all my time and leave them out in the cold. Even though my kids come first, this isn't true. I've always wanted sex more than my lovers did and being present in a relationship has never been my issue.
Being a mother has opened my heart, life and spirit in unimagined ways. My patience, listening skills, compassion, nurturing, intuitive skills, etc. all have heightened and made me a better partner. Of course it isn't easy. The feminine brain sure comes in handy (E increases multi-tasking, assessment, reading body language and other skills) and it kick into overdrive when the kids are with me. Being a mother has made me even more womanly (femme).
Now if I could only find a hot butch...

[Ginger]

Being a mother has opened my heart, life and spirit in unimagined ways. My patience, listening skills, compassion, nurturing, intuitive skills, etc. all have heightened and made me a better partner. Of course it isn't easy. The feminine brain sure comes in handy (E increases multi-tasking, assessment, reading body language and other skills) and it kick into overdrive when the kids are with me. Being a mother has made me even more womanly (femme).
Now if I could only find a hot butch...

Mariamma, I don't think having kids will slow down your dating prospects; not in the least. In fact, I think butch women are somewhat mesmerized by women with children; you seem savvy to the suspect as well as genuine kinds of interest that being a mother can elicit in a single butch. I wish you all the best, moving forward. IslandScout

[Toughy]

Mariamma, I don't think having kids will slow down your dating prospects; not in the least. In fact, I think butch women are somewhat mesmerized by women with children; you seem savvy to the suspect as well as genuine kinds of interest that being a mother can elicit in a single butch. I wish you all the best, moving forward. IslandScout

Could you explain what you mean by the part I bolded? I will withhold comment until I understand what you mean.

[DeviantDaddy]

Anyone else out there that date women with children, teens or adult kids? Do their children accept you or have there been any problems? I ask due to finding myself possibly wanting to be with a woman who has kids, I am just asking for stories or experiences from others as opinions.

Why yes, I am dating a woman with amazing children. When I spent my first weekend with my kitten, I was a bit worried about her boys' acceptance and understanding of me. Prior to meeting me, kitten's dating history had been with cis-men. In addition to that, she hadn't brought home a man in years because her children are her most prized, cherished and protected loves in her life. So it was a very big moment for us both. We had spoken on the phone so there was some connection and interaction between us.

She arranged for the boys to spend the first night with family so that she and I may have some privacy. However, the next day we were up early and headed out to pick them up. I remember us pulling up and seeing them playing in the yard just rough housing like boys do. We stepped out of the car and as I shut my door they turned to see us. And they both came running towards me and greeted me by calling my name out and giving me huge hugs... as in running towards me and both boys jumping on me... chuckles.

It was an absolutely amazing feeling, I could not help but glance over at my kitten and smile. Which only warmed my heart further by seeing the bright smile on her face.

The boys have accepted me fully, which is amazing given the fact that they were eleven and nine years old when I came into their lives. They address me as he and "the man of the house" when I am there. The connection we have is rather wonderful and truly a gift. I have always been family oriented, I have a very good relationship with my family. Of course, this has resulted in my desire to have a family of my own, and my kitten's open invitation into her life along with the boys' open hearts has truly made me feel as though I was welcomed home. The boys are now thirteen and twelve and the connection has not wavered. As a matter of fact, the relationship with the oldest has grown stronger. I have a different relationship with each one due to their very different personalities yet I love them unconditionally. Last time I was there, kitten was preparing dinner and noticed none of us where to be found. Only to find the three of us in their bedroom playing video games... chuckles.

It is amazing to come into a family and be welcomed. However there are certain struggles and obstacles that you must consider when doing so. As Lady Snow mentioned on the first page - first and foremost you need to be certain that you like children and want them in your life. Otherwise, don't bother. Ultimately you are not only going to hurt the lady but the children as well. The second thing I feel is incredibly important is sharing the same philosophies in life and the same ideas when it comes to raising children. Otherwise, there will be times when you may ultimately feel like an outsider when you believe the children should be disciplined (or not) and their mother feels differently. Ultimately, they are her children, and that is a line I would never overstep.

And another big thing to always keep in mind is the fact that you will not come before the children, nor should you even try to. In my opinion anyway. Were I to meet a woman who put me before her children I would lose interest immediately.

Such has been my experience and my thoughts on the matter.

[Heavenleahangel]

I'd like to add my 2 cents if I may here. I totally agree with you, DD, about your post and what Lady Snow posted about her experience. Children are a blessing and can add a wealth of happiness and love to any family and I would like to show my side of the coin as being a parent.
Five years ago I was given the opportunity to adopt a newborn son, which I jumped at the chance without hesitation. As the months of the pregnancy progressed, I thought long and hard about the repercussions of having a newborn, how my life would change and what it would mean to parent all over again. (At the time, my bio daughters were 19 and almost 18!) Some of my friends warned me that I would remain single, but I never doubted my decision, thus Jacob was *mine.*
As he grew-and I talk about this like he is grown already when he isn't even 5 until June-and I started realizing I am raising him alone, I got scared, hell I was terrified, but nothing in this world could have been a better reassurance than hearing "mama" or "I wub boo" from my little man.
I never thought I would be raising him alone. I always thought I would meet someone and WE would be raising Jacob as a FAMILY, but so far, that hasn't happened. I truly believed I would marry and my partner would co-adopt. To some of the few I have contemplated a relationship with, the newness of a son and a family soon faded and the day to day life of having a child underfoot, finding a sitter to go anywhere that doesn't require an entourage of diaper bags, toys and kid-friendly food, and not being able to be spontaneous was a major down fall. And I also encountered the ones who were jealous of him and his dependance on me. I have been told by 2 people that they *love* me and want a life with *me* but they couldn't incorporate Jacob into the equation! (I'm a lady and won't tell you what I told them!)
All this being said, I am grateful everyday I have been given the gift of this precious little boy! He is a beautiful blue-eyed-blond~like ME~ and folks can't believe I didn't birth him. He is such a funny little charmer and brings immense happiness and laughter when he cracks that perfect little smile and the dimple on his chin bows out. I may not be able to teach him the things only a "Daddi" can teach him, but he is loved and so am I. If it so happens that I meet someone who can and will love the both of us and honor us by becoming a family with us, then we will be even more blessed. If not, then we will be loved by our chosen family and I'll build the best life for him that I possibly can.
Yes, it is hard sometimes. I won't lie and say it isn't a struggle and I have wondered if someone else could have provided him a better life. But at the end of the day, when I can tucking him into bed and he takes 10 minutes to tell me he loves me and give me my nite-nite kisses, I know there is NO WAY anyone else could love this boy better and *I* am the one blessed even on the days I don't feel worthy of such love!

[DaddysKitten]

Thank you, Daddy. (DeviantDaddy)

Everything he said is so very true. But I'd like to point out a few details that the 'story' can't possibly include given to the nature of the way my children were raised.

For one, my children were raised with a lesbian grandmother, in a 12 year marriage with her wife. So this is something fairly 'normal' for my children to be around, in a long term manner.

For two, despite the way I was raised by my mother, and what myself and my children have learned to accept given that situation, I have taken a very constant and active role, even before I entered into this relationship, with raising my children to accept people for who they are inside, and not outside.

Even having never been around transgenders before, I had raised my children with such morals and understanding, that they did, accept my lover with open arms, and even with full understanding of who he is, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Even to this day, to them he is 'he'. My oldest son, is always full of so much piss and vinegar, actually passes off the 'man of the house' title to Daddy. Even knowing that physically he is female. He accepts Daddy for who he is.

But the point I am getting to, is I don't want everyone to think this is the norm. Look at how children treat adults, other children, who are a bit overweight, or not as pretty, or not available to have the best clothes? This is a very rare mentality for children to possess. I am so very grateful I was able to instill it into my own.

You need to speak to her at length. How do her children feel? Do they even know or will this be a surprise? How accepting are they when they see gays or lesbians out in public? How accepting are they of other children?

A child who would point and laugh at another child, their peer, without any 'queer'ness about them, is not a child with enough understanding to handle this sort of situation, in my honest opinion.

So these things need to be addressed, for your, hers, and their well-being. And if they do come up with negative indicators, that still is not the end all be all. Hopefully she can teach them to be accepting, and it will be something they carry with them for the rest of their lives.

I wish you the very very best.

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by IslandScout
Mariamma, I don't think having kids will slow down your dating prospects; not in the least. In fact, I think butch women are somewhat mesmerized by women with children; you seem savvy to the suspect as well as genuine kinds of interest that being a mother can elicit in a single butch. I wish you all the best, moving forward. IslandScout


Could you explain what you mean by the part I bolded? I will withhold comment until I understand what you mean. (Mariamma)

First, forgive me if I've spelled your name wrong; I keep going back and forth and losing the copied part to paste but now that it's there I want to keep going and not risk losing it again so I'm writing your name from memory.

I just meant, it's cute how butches idealize "mommies" but then the real "mom" is a person they get to know over time and while they might still idealize her, it's for reasons that are unique to her and their feelings are more "genuine."

I don't know why I got into that one, I don't know what the "f" I'm talking about, I do live with a mom but our dynamic is totally unrelated to what I'm alluding to.

I will now cede the floor to those who DO know what they're talking about...

Thanks,
IslandScout

[Toughy]

It was me that asked for clarification. I'm in disagreement with your assessment of butches and women who have children. What you describe has certainly never been my experience for a number of reasons.

I am not now, nor have I ever been mesmerized by mothers and motherhood. I also have never idealized motherhood. I have a very clear picture about motherhood and I made a conscious choice to not give birth.

I also don't believe any of my butch friends have had those feelings, particularly the ones who are mothers. I know plenty of butch folk who are mothers. As a matter of fact, a butch in my chosen family just gave birth in the last month.

Both the original post and your clarification just seem to trivialize how a butch may or may not interact with a potential dating partner who has children and suggests that children can be used to attract some poor unsuspecting butch who will be dazzled first by the kids and at some later point will get to know the mother and have 'genuine' feelings (all my feelings are genuine). It also reduces the mother in question to be a mother and trivializes the totality of who she is as a human being.

As to dating a femme with children. I have dated and lived with women with children (both kids and adult children). At my age I am not interested in raising a family. Grandkids however are an entirely different thing......you bet grandkids....spoil them and then send them home to mommy.

[Ginger]

It was me that asked for clarification. I'm in disagreement with your assessment of butches and women who have children. What you describe has certainly never been my experience for a number of reasons.

I am not now, nor have I ever been mesmerized by mothers and motherhood. I also have never idealized motherhood. I have a very clear picture about motherhood and I made a conscious choice to not give birth.

I also don't believe any of my butch friends have had those feelings, particularly the ones who are mothers. I know plenty of butch folk who are mothers. As a matter of fact, a butch in my chosen family just gave birth in the last month.

Both the original post and your clarification just seem to trivialize how a butch may or may not interact with a potential dating partner who has children and suggests that children can be used to attract some poor unsuspecting butch who will be dazzled first by the kids and at some later point will get to know the mother and have 'genuine' feelings (all my feelings are genuine). It also reduces the mother in question to be a mother and trivializes the totality of who she is as a human being.

As to dating a femme with children. I have dated and lived with women with children (both kids and adult children). At my age I am not interested in raising a family. Grandkids however are an entirely different thing......you bet grandkids....spoil them and then send them home to mommy.

Well, I've definitely seen mommie-infatuation, heard it expressed in words, but obviously that does not reflect your experience and I so sincerely apologize if I generalized on too narrow a base of evidence and didn't take into account other possible views. That wasn't well advised and I'll be more conscious in future of what I'm saying.

Thanks for sharing your point of view. When I was a femme, and single, I would have liked to have met you!

[Bad_boi]

The only reason I don't date women with kids is because I am young and not looking for a long term relationship. I would feel bad if her kids recognised me as their dad and I wasn't wanting to stick around for life. That would be unfair to them.

I suppose if I were older and wanting an LTR and the kids and I got along well and the whole packaged deal worked well I would be all for it.

[DeviantDaddy]

The only reason I don't date women with kids is because I am young and not looking for a long term relationship. I would feel bad if her kids recognised me as their dad and I wasn't wanting to stick around for life. That would be unfair to them.

I suppose if I were older and wanting an LTR and the kids and I got along well and the whole packaged deal worked well I would be all for it.

Some people may find this selfish but you know what? It is actually great that you are able to recognize this in yourself and simply accept that it isn't what you are looking for at this time.

Good for you.

[Bad_boi]

Some people may find this selfish but you know what? It is actually great that you are able to recognize this in yourself and simply accept that it isn't what you are looking for at this time.

Good for you.

I suppose some people might.

But dating someone who is a mother to small children can be complicated and one must consider the whole situation. The saftey and well being of the children should be first and foremost. So in a case where would not be around long term and would not be a father figure the children it is not a good idea if they are too young to comprehend that.

[Ginger]

I would totally date a Mother, I find Mom's super sexy!

I'm wondering, what is it about moms, that you find so sexy?

[spritzerJ]

This thread has so many thoughtful responses. I am learning much by reading through it. Thank you for providing honest answers and opening to share experiences.

I am the mom of a kiddo at home, just now 6 years. I took nearly 3 years off from dating when my daughter was little (between the end of a relationship and starting to date again). It was tricky to get back into dating. The last time I had she wasn't there and this meant a whole new level of planning and changed what I was looking for.

I've made mistakes when not clear about who I was a mom dating. The biggest was accepting someone's assertion that they wanted a family without leading the discussion about what that meant practically day to day with a young child. I let the cozy dreams be enough. What I did question was not responded to thoughtfully and that should have been a clue to me. My child was intentional and thoughtfully planned. I learned to extend "our" to welcome those that can honor that.

I have made wonderful friends who for whom dating didn't work for but in their respect for my daughter and I's relationship have earned them a welcome spot at our table any day. Treasured friends for sure. In the end when I keep dating private and respectful friendships shared I know my daughter sees the place of friends in our lives. She also has learned a broader understanding of girl/boy presentations. I am grateful again to friends who are themselves, answer blunt little kid questions and let me explain further.

These days I get to be be in love for myself and let the relationship between my dear ones develop in it's own time. I've learned my relationship between myself and my gy can grow at a pace different than the getting to know that happens between my daughter and my gy. I know this seems so obvious they spend much less time together than my gy and I do. Much less time talking. In the past I was thinking we all needed to develop at the same speed. Now we let each develop in time.

Time gives me a chance to watch thoughtfully and protectively for how my daughter responds. At 6 she is a child, but her words and actions are telling. I do not dismiss them as childish I look for stress and respond. Am I thrilled in her moments of trust? Of course and those aren't the only moments I attend to. I am grateful that hy understands this isn't judging hym but being a mom.

[TimilDeeps]

I have. I would, again. or not depends on how the rest of my life goes?


:praying:

[ruffryder]

Children are the most cherised people in the world. It is very important that people understand that when entering into a relationship with someone that has kids. I think its important to distinguish the difference and be honest with your children when you are going to introduce your kids to a date, mate, or even friend. Kids are affected more than you think by people in their lives.

I have a fifteen year old daughter. I have been introducing her to friends and gfs since she was about six.
I was with a woman that had a daughter about the same age. The kids fought like sisters.. They still very much keep in contact and call each other sister. They have alot of love for each other to this day. I was with another lady that was raising her niece. .another teenager. I found out how to live with girls.. Lol! And how sometimes they just all need their own space and quiet time. No doubt I was the man of the house but sometimes I was outnumbered. He he. .
I've also dated a lady with two sons. I've always wanted a son or more kids unfortunately that relationship didn't Last and I didn't move in with them.

This past year I met a lady that had teens. I found it Very odd that our first get together involved her kids. I was clueless what she wanted with me,a friendship is what we had. We had talked about more possibly? I did mention if she was comfortable with me meeting her kids already. She said it was fine. Needless to say I had more fun, conversed and interacted with her kids more than her and we haven't spoken again since that date. I felt more sorry for the kids than anything.:/

I think there has to be a mutual respect. It doesn't matter if you are the older one, kids need to be respected just as adults do. they learn this from you. They can learn alot and grow up to be great people by what you instill in them. I do believe in parenting and if I have a serious committed relationship I want my mate to be a parent figure with my daughter as I also wish to be with her children. I still to this day get along and have good relationships with children of past relationships. I believe in being a parent, authoritive, having rules, consequences of breaking rules, teaching and learning and also being a friend they can trust and knowing they have someone they can go to when they are in trouble, need advice and someone to turn to for answers. I believe in alone and date time with your mate and also family time and alone time with your kids. I may be the only one that disagrees that kids come first. I think I know what you all are trying to say however when I am in a relationship my partner and child both come first in different ways. They are both Very special to me in their own ways and know that.

[grenade]

I'm wondering, what is it about moms, that you find so sexy?I will answer this from my own perspective. I never felt sexier in my life than I did with an 9 month baby belly in stretch lace. There was something to pregnancy that unleashed the woman in me and left me no longer a girl. Something changed inside. I am more confident now, stretch marks and saggy bits, than I ever was when my body was "perfect' to mainstream society.

[Ginger]

I will answer this from my own perspective. I never felt sexier in my life than I did with an 9 month baby belly in stretch lace. There was something to pregnancy that unleashed the woman in me and left me no longer a girl. Something changed inside. I am more confident now, stretch marks and saggy bits, than I ever was when my body was "perfect' to mainstream society.

That's so beautiful! I wonder what moment made me realize I'm "no longer a girl," as you felt, pregnant and in stretch lace. I think there have been more than a few! You've got me daydreaming about it...

[jac]

These days I get to be be in love for myself and let the relationship between my dear ones develop in it's own time. I've learned my relationship between myself and my gy can grow at a pace different than the getting to know that happens between my daughter and my gy. I know this seems so obvious they spend much less time together than my gy and I do. Much less time talking. In the past I was thinking we all needed to develop at the same speed. Now we let each develop in time.

Time gives me a chance to watch thoughtfully and protectively for how my daughter responds. At 6 she is a child, but her words and actions are telling. I do not dismiss them as childish I look for stress and respond. Am I thrilled in her moments of trust? Of course and those aren't the only moments I attend to. I am grateful that hy understands this isn't judging hym but being a mom.

Yes, different relationships grow at different paces and with different significance. It doesn't mean the love and acceptance aren't just as deep seated in the heart. Some things can't be rushed and it isn't always up to the adult to determine the pace. Children are much wiser than given credit for. The young ones have a natural instict to determine who is safe and who isn't... allow them to make this realization in a healthy manner and in their time, in their understanding and with loving adult guidence.

I look forward to growing with both of these relationships at their own pace and in thier own way. I love to watch a mother and child bond (I have three of my own). None of them are the same... like snowflakes, all are different, unique and precious in their own way. I also enjoy creating a seperate bond with her child, one that all three of us can appreciate and feel safe in. Bring on the moments yet to come and let's cherish those we have already created...

[Lizzy]

I think it is different every time. I have been in a long on and off relationship but I try to keep the door open between my kids and my partner. It took them many years to develop a bond as my kids were very resentful at first. They felt like it was my partners fault that I was no longer with their Dad.The reality was it had nothing to do with my partner but they were young and didn't understand. As they have gotten older they built up trust with my partner but it was a long and bumpy road.

[Just_G]

I have dated women with kids, and would do so again in a heartbeat!

It is not easy dating a woman with kids, but to me, it's worth it. I say it isn't easy because sometimes things get cancelled, and plans can change in the drop of a hat, but you have to learn to go with the changes of plans. I have had to give away tickets to the ballet, cancel dinner reservations, and even had to cancel a get-away-for -two.....all of which were just things that happen. Other plans can be made. Movie nights in when a kid is sick is quite relaxing. :) I have even had to step up and take care of the kids when their mom had to work late....I didn't mind at all....in fact, I loved that I was able to be there for them.

I know that kids come first. I know that sometimes kids can be difficult. Women that have children have something different about them and I can't explain it, I just know that if I met a woman with kids, I would definitely date her if we had a connection.

[Novelafemme]

I have dated women with kids, and would do so again in a heartbeat!

It is not easy dating a woman with kids, but to me, it's worth it. I say it isn't easy because sometimes things get cancelled, and plans can change in the drop of a hat, but you have to learn to go with the changes of plans. I have had to give away tickets to the ballet, cancel dinner reservations, and even had to cancel a get-away-for -two.....all of which were just things that happen. Other plans can be made. Movie nights in when a kid is sick is quite relaxing. :) I have even had to step up and take care of the kids when their mom had to work late....I didn't mind at all....in fact, I loved that I was able to be there for them.

I know that kids come first. I know that sometimes kids can be difficult. Women that have children have something different about them and I can't explain it, I just know that if I met a woman with kids, I would definitely date her if we had a connection.



Someone needs to snatch you up right quick, G!!! You are a gem! (f)

[SugarFemme]

I would date someone with kids. For sure. I have one daughter. She is the light in my eyes. I always wanted more children but was not able to have any more. I am capable of loving ALL kids...yours, mine and ours. Kids bring such a special dynamic to the relationship. One that makes me so happy.

[MarineCorps1]

I've dated women with kids, and I'd totally do it again. I like kids - but I tend to spoil them....

[ValKyrie]

I have 3 kids and I am with someone who has 2 kids. We each have our kids half of the time and have arranged so our kids have opposite schedules, i.e. when her kids are with us, mine are with their other parent, visa versa. They overlap about once or twice a month. We love that we both have kids. It makes it easier to understand that to each of us, our kids come first. We have similar parenting styles that fit really well together.

When we first started dating, we waited about 4 months before we met each others kids. We felt like it was really important to wait to see how serious we were with each other before we brought the kids in the equation. I would never have my kids meet someone who I wasn't serious about.

We are getting ready to make the move in together. I have been at her house when my kids are with their dad and she has been at my house when her kids are with their mom, so we have basically been cooexisting together for a little while without actually living full time in the same house.

The one thing that is always important to me is that our kids are first to each of us. If it's not, that's absolutley a deal breaker.

[Deborah]

I hope this doesnt sound bad but 'only if they were grown and sucessfully out on their own'.

I love kids and babys and I love love love being a YiaYia but I have raised mine and I was a very hands on mom, my son was my life...he is now 34 and has his own life. I adore his children/my grandchildren and my niece's baby....and I love anyone's kid that come into my life.

And because I believe it should be all about them and that is what they deserve from us as parents... I would not even start dating someone with kids...because it is my turn...I want it to be about me and my partner at this point in my life.

Would I date someone that didnt like kids HELL NO....because we are going to be grandparents and I love that role!!!![/I]

[Blade]

Sort of weird I just posted in the age difference thread and am about to say what I am. Typically women my age don't have small children, though certainly there are instances where they might. So I really don't have to worry about that, staying in my own age range. I love children and wouldn't have a problem dating a woman with small children, normally they love me.

Teenagers and young adults are another story. I welcome the opportunity to be a part of their lives as well as there mothers. However there are teens and young adults who have figured out how to push their Mom's buttons, or how to get by with being disrespectful to her. I don't tolerate disrespect to well. I was raised in a very strict home, and taught above all, "I can't make you love me but I can make you respect me". When I hear a child regardless of age, smart mouth or be disrespectful to any adult, it's all I can do not to blow a head gasket.

So the bottom line is I don't have a problem with small children or grown ones as long as they know their role and are respectful to their Mom. Simply because if she can't get their attention, I will and I'm not always nice about it. Sometimes this might create a problem, but the fact is, I'm in charge of my space and in my space all people are respectful of one another.

[JustJo]

I'm a mom of a great (almost) 15 year old boy, and I stayed single until he was 13...primarily because I didn't trust my own judgment on the safety and suitability of any step-parent I would bring into his life.

Contrary to the common wisdom that says "don't introduce your kids to your partner until you're serious", I would never recommend getting "serious" with someone before bringing them into your child's life....at least enough to see how they interacted in the course of normal daily (sometimes challenging) life. That means more than a weekend....more than a trip to an amusement park. It means getting ready for school, haggling over homework, family dinner, and preferably some normal types of outings. People have different parenting styles, and blending families is far more difficult than most people want to admit.

It's easy to look through the rose-colored glasses of love (or lust) and think everything will be fine. But, no matter how much a potential partner loves their child, their former partner's child, their neice, their nephew, or their grandchild....it's no guarantee that they're going to love yours, or that your parenting styles won't clash.

[princessbelle]

This is really a complex situation when dating someone with kids. There are so many, many variables that play into it. No doubt we all want what is best for our kids and our prospective partners and it can get quite sticky from what i've read here and seen with my own eyes and ears.

I can only say that i am very happy that the way i approached the matter, when my kids were young, and i believe it was the right decision.

When my kids were 14 and 17, i met a woman in New Mexico that i was very fond of. She visited me several times, however, i did not let her stay at my house. I, in my mind, was protecting them from what may not continue and didn't want to disrupt their lives into my perhaps short term relationship. She got a hotel room each time. I spent a lot of time with her but did not neglect my kids and was home every night. She was not invited to my home...right away.

Several visits back and forth happened before i was convinced that the attraction was one that was going to most likely last. That was my first step. I then introduced my kids to her. They all really liked each other and this was the second part of my journey, making sure they all got along. Kids are not dumb. If they see red flags it's good to listen to them. After a year of dating back and forth i invited her to live with me.

That relationship lasted 10 years. I do feel i did it correctly for *me* and *my* family. I would not have ever considered anything sooner than that length of time when my kids were younger. But, that's just me. IMO no one will ever love our kids like we do. So, there is the "it can get sticky part".

Now that my kids are grown, it is really just my personal preference, however, they are never too quiet about giving me their blessing or voice of concern. And it's one i definitely still listen to.

Really to each his/hys/her own. But it is most important that our children's well being come way before any feelings of love.

I'm sure we can all agree on that.

[Lady Pamela]

I have usually been the one who had the children..so from that angle I do have a couple thoughts.

I have found that many who date women with children, go in un prepared and end up jelious or resentful of the time spent on the children.
I very much think thought process should be put into this type of relationship before hand.
Not only will it save all involved heartacke but it will also be a consious choice to be there or not as a family unit no matter what..or not.

I have also seen that some feel it should be the same as a single relationship without children..Absolutely not. Nor can it be.
The first thought should be security and raising those children correctly.
But when some rush into a relationship with children, often times they do not stop to think about all the times you can not be intimate when you want to on the drop of a dime. All the times kids are sick and take more attention. Planning is usually the case due to making it work around the childrens lives as well as those in the relationship.
And this is just to name a few things.

I guess what I am trying to say is more thought needs to be placed in these types of relationships...before the answer is yes.

But most importantly here is this:
When a woman wants to share her life and her children with you,
what a beautiful gift and blessing thats is.
She is sharing not only herself with you but the most special part of herself she has...Here babies...her pride and joy.

[Lady Pamela]

The only reason I don't date women with kids is because I am young and not looking for a long term relationship. I would feel bad if her kids recognised me as their dad and I wasn't wanting to stick around for life. That would be unfair to them.

I suppose if I were older and wanting an LTR and the kids and I got along well and the whole packaged deal worked well I would be all for it.

I realise alot of people would look down on you for this choice. But actually I would take off my hat to you"If I wore one that is..ha ha"

I think honestly serves everyone and in this situation you are absolutely correct.
Also it just goes to show you are looking at the children invovled. And to me that is awesome!