Eating Disorders ~

[sylvie]

This post is an extremely hard post for me - & i couldn't find a thread on Eating Disorders, so thought i would make one.. i'm not one to start threads, but this is one i felt 'i' needed - and not sure if there are others here who could use this thread, but it would certainly be a huge help to me to share and have others share - because as strong as i feel some days - my everyday is a huge fight within, between temptations, my anger letting go of certain foods, practicing abstinence with the no-no's for me & mostly, trying to overcome the things of my past which serve as ways for me to break down emotionally - in other words trying to stop finding reasons to do this, and be a healthy, happier & more well balanced me..

i would like this thread to serve any kinds of Eating Disorders, not just ones like mine, because i've learned in my meetings, many feelings and are quite similar and i constantly learn & grow into a stronger me when i share and when others share with me.. The support & encouragement is much needed, at least for me..

A little about me: *takes a deep breath*

i'm on a journey to a healthier, happier me.. The hardest part of my journey so far has been admitting not only that i have an eating disorder, but that i needed some serious help.. Admitting it to myself has been a huge step in itself, but letting the people who care about me know was almost just as hard - because now i'm kept accountable. i have been formally diagnosed as a binger & purger (i was diagnosed as bulemic in my younger years) and stems from that, of course.. the first few years, i binged & purged however for many years after, it's been binging once my doctor found me out, with the occasional purging when my emotions get the best of me.

i have a lot of anger towards letting go of my food, binging (and purging) has been a source of comfort for me for years.. It was my peace of mind, when i had no control on anything else in my life, i could control that. Over the course of about 10 years, i have pushed family and friends out of my life, i stopped doing things for myself and i let my self esteem sink .. my weight gain has been a source of pain for me, and anytime i lost weight, i did so the unhealthy way - and it's very hard for me to wrap my head around letting go of foods and not eating emotionally and letting go of the anger within... it would be so much easier to starve myself, or purge what i eat and lose weight - but i'm learning the healthier thinking pattern and i know deep down this is stinkin' thinkin' and i need to work everyday at being a healthier me - it's now going to be a lifetime commitment.

i have been to counselling sessions, i have attended some various groups for stress, and coping - and i've even attended some OA meetings, online as well as offline.. i am working on sharing this side of myself, because for so many years i've been hidden, for SO many people in my life, even my own children and i have a lot of people in my life who care about me and love me, and i want to be healthy and extend my life - not dig my own grave.. i have so much to live for, and in saying all of this, i am admitting i need further help - sharing my daily struggles, my moments of weakness or celebrating my strengths.. (it's sooo important for me to find ways to really celebrate my strengths these days)

i often post in the Healthy Weight thread, and feel GREAT when doing so.. i get so much motivation there about staying on track and healthy tips etc.. But this, is a motivation i need of a different kind and i know that thread isn't about Eating Disorders and getting help.. i have contemplated starting this thread for awhile now, but i'm shy, and admitting this truth of mine is difficult.. But the more i do, and the more resources i have for help, the better for me (and possibly anyone else who struggles also)..

If there was anyone else who wanted to share, or post here i'd be so appreciative.. But if not, i could certainly use the thread to get my own thoughts and struggles out.. Everyday is something it seems, and i'm so tired of beating myself up.. i need to seek help, i AM seeking help... Even if its just getting this out to the Universe - it's something a little more than the venues i have right now...

i also know this is a very touchy topic and not everyone wants to share publicly, i am open to making friends who are in similar situations, and am a PM away, because as much as i need the help myself, i'm a great ear for listening - and would lend any advice i could of my own too.

[princessbelle]

This post is an extremely hard post for me - & i couldn't find a thread on Eating Disorders, so thought i would make one.. i'm not one to start threads, but this is one i felt 'i' needed - and not sure if there are others here who could use this thread, but it would certainly be a huge help to me to share and have others share - because as strong as i feel some days - my everyday is a huge fight within, between temptations, my anger letting go of certain foods, practicing abstinence with the no-no's for me & mostly, trying to overcome the things of my past which serve as ways for me to break down emotionally - in other words trying to stop finding reasons to do this, and be a healthy, happier & more well balanced me..

i would like this thread to serve any kinds of Eating Disorders, not just ones like mine, because i've learned in my meetings, many feelings and are quite similar and i constantly learn & grow into a stronger me when i share and when others share with me.. The support & encouragement is much needed, at least for me..

A little about me: *takes a deep breath*

i'm on a journey to a healthier, happier me.. The hardest part of my journey so far has been admitting not only that i have an eating disorder, but that i needed some serious help.. Admitting it to myself has been a huge step in itself, but letting the people who care about me know was almost just as hard - because now i'm kept accountable. i have been formally diagnosed as a binger & purger (i was diagnosed as bulemic in my younger years) and stems from that, of course.. the first few years, i binged & purged however for many years after, it's been binging once my doctor found me out, with the occasional purging when my emotions get the best of me.

i have a lot of anger towards letting go of my food, binging (and purging) has been a source of comfort for me for years.. It was my peace of mind, when i had no control on anything else in my life, i could control that. Over the course of about 10 years, i have pushed family and friends out of my life, i stopped doing things for myself and i let my self esteem sink .. my weight gain has been a source of pain for me, and anytime i lost weight, i did so the unhealthy way - and it's very hard for me to wrap my head around letting go of foods and not eating emotionally and letting go of the anger within... it would be so much easier to starve myself, or purge what i eat and lose weight - but i'm learning the healthier thinking pattern and i know deep down this is stinkin' thinkin' and i need to work everyday at being a healthier me - it's now going to be a lifetime commitment.

i have been to counselling sessions, i have attended some various groups for stress, and coping - and i've even attended some OA meetings, online as well as offline.. i am working on sharing this side of myself, because for so many years i've been hidden, for SO many people in my life, even my own children and i have a lot of people in my life who care about me and love me, and i want to be healthy and extend my life - not dig my own grave.. i have so much to live for, and in saying all of this, i am admitting i need further help - sharing my daily struggles, my moments of weakness or celebrating my strengths.. (it's sooo important for me to find ways to really celebrate my strengths these days)

i often post in the Healthy Weight thread, and feel GREAT when doing so.. i get so much motivation there about staying on track and healthy tips etc.. But this, is a motivation i need of a different kind and i know that thread isn't about Eating Disorders and getting help.. i have contemplated starting this thread for awhile now, but i'm shy, and admitting this truth of mine is difficult.. But the more i do, and the more resources i have for help, the better for me (and possibly anyone else who struggles also)..

If there was anyone else who wanted to share, or post here i'd be so appreciative.. But if not, i could certainly use the thread to get my own thoughts and struggles out.. Everyday is something it seems, and i'm so tired of beating myself up.. i need to seek help, i AM seeking help... Even if its just getting this out to the Universe - it's something a little more than the venues i have right now...


((((((Sylvie))))))

It takes a lot of courage to talk about things that are so very personal and i am so proud of you for sharing your story.

I was once anorexic. I was in my early 20s had a baby, a really bad life, was gay and in a bio marriage to a "not so nice" person. I would go days and not eat. I got down to 50 pounds under my ideal weight. It wasn't a body image problem. It was a "i hate my life" problem and this was the only thing i knew i could control. And, oh i did. My family and my friends were constantly begging me to eat, it made me more determined not to. The days of not eating grew longer and then i went almost a week. Finally, i was admitted into the hospital. I was so runned down and so frail and weak. The docs were going to start tube feedings but i refused.

I'm still not sure what happened. But, one night i was laying in St. Mary's hospital bed and a nun walked in. She saw me crying and she sat with me for hours and helped me see that life is what you make of it. She reminded me of that little baby i had at home that was totally dependent on me. That i had good parents who loved me and were there for me. I was being selfish. It clicked. I was lucky.

To this day i'm sure she doesn't realize she saved my life. Sometimes it takes a light bulb moment or a friend to touch your heart in a way that just works. But, the eating disorder doesn't ever fully go away and it is always a struggle...i believe that anyway. I still have to be careful to eat sometimes. But, i don't do this on purpose any longer and i certainly, by any sense of the imagination, have an underweight problem. But, food taken or not taken is a controlling power that is easily used and abused when we hurt deeply. I feel for you honey. I am so happy you are making good choices about yourself.

I am proud of you. I am proud of me. You are right, it is wonderful to get that positive energy flowing and i feel that from you.

:)

[ArkansasPiscesGrrl]

Sylvie,

I just wanted to applaud you for your post, your honesty, your struggle against that disease, and applaud you for your COURAGE in your fight.

I am closely allied with several Eating Disorder Facilities in this country, and know the fight that people with this disorder have to deal with on a daily basis. I also KNOW first hand from these facilities that people CAN and DO recover!

I wish you strength and continued courage in your fight.

Ann

[dark_crystal]

i think pretty much everybody knows i'm a recently-recovered anorexic, as i have discussed it on a whole buncha threads now.

for me it was caused by extreme partner abuse. when i finally got out of the situation i figured the fact that i had survived meant i was ok- but the trauma from that situation stayed with me and controlled everything for the next two years, manifesting in a very extreme way in my anorexia but also in a whole host of other compulsive and isolating behaviors

so the moral of the story is- seek counseling for trauma! don't just assume you can limp out of Hell and into the rest of your life without processing it- because one way or another you'll be forced to deal with it!

:hk13:

[sylvie]

((((((Sylvie))))))

It takes a lot of courage to talk about things that are so very personal and i am so proud of you for sharing your story.

I was once anorexic. I was in my early 20s had a baby, a really bad life, was gay and in a bio marriage to a "not so nice" person. I would go days and not eat. I got down to 50 pounds under my ideal weight. It wasn't a body image problem. It was a "i hate my life" problem and this was the only thing i knew i could control. And, oh i did. My family and my friends were constantly begging me to eat, it made me more determined not to. The days of not eating grew longer and then i went almost a week. Finally, i was admitted into the hospital. I was so runned down and so frail and weak. The docs were going to start tube feedings but i refused.

I'm still not sure what happened. But, one night i was laying in St. Mary's hospital bed and a nun walked in. She saw me crying and she sat with me for hours and helped me see that life is what you make of it. She reminded me of that little baby i had at home that was totally dependent on me. That i had good parents who loved me and were there for me. I was being selfish. It clicked. I was lucky.

To this day i'm sure she doesn't realize she saved my life. Sometimes it takes a light bulb moment or a friend to touch your heart in a way that just works. But, the eating disorder doesn't ever fully go away and it is always a struggle...i believe that anyway. I still have to be careful to eat sometimes. But, i don't do this on purpose any longer and i certainly, by any sense of the imagination, have an underweight problem. But, food taken or not taken is a controlling power that is easily used and abused when we hurt deeply. I feel for you honey. I am so happy you are making good choices about yourself.

I am proud of you. I am proud of me. You are right, it is wonderful to get that positive energy flowing and i feel that from you.

:)

i know that lightbulb moment very well.. it was a lightbulb moment which helped me see the reality of what i was doing to myself, and needing the help to get this under control after a lil over 10 years...Deep down i knew what i was doing and that it wasn't good for me, but the abuse to myself was very welcome until just recently.. i kept it hidden, and did my absolute best to push people out of my life merely so no one would find out, of course.. my love of food and abusing my system like this came first, just like any other addiction ..

So having that light bulb moment where i realized a/the damage i was doing to myself and my body and b/ the damage i was doing to those who loved me and i kept pushing away happened one day... i had started a self journey of trying to build my self esteem and was at a plateau, where i needed to face some things about myself which were continually beating me down and not letting me make real progress - this being one of those things.. so it was time to come to terms with it, even if it was just telling my doctor and secretly trying to get the help...

Of course, over the time of counselling, it became apparent i needed more than my doctor to know and i gained a real need to overcome this, or to try for the sake of not only me but the people who love me.. Today, i have a drive everyday to be better than this - and most days i use my tools and resources to keep strong.. i have talked about my Eating Disorder with a few people in my life (my children, Mtn, my parents, some family and some people i work with) because in all of these areas of my life, they help keep me accountable... Most days, i am content with that - then i have some hard days which aren't so easy and i get bent up with that stinkin' thinkin' of mine..

And i know that struggle of feeling selfish, and guilty.. that feeling is so overwhelming.. Day before yesterday after a long while of doing so well, i had a bad day.. i binged (not near as bad as i would have) because the guilt took over - and i didn't have to purge, however i merely have to think about doing so and i can be sick when i am in that state of mind, and i was some.. So this post not only is for a means of support for me, but i'm trying NOT to be hard on myself and to take each day as a new day.. But the feelings of selfishness, guilt and ahhh, disappointment, i can't even describe right now.. how does one stop being so damn hard on oneself, i need to forgive myself and keep moving forward and not dwell on this so much.. i think other people sharing their situations with me, may be exactly w hat i need in finding my way to self forgiveness, or at least seeing its possible.. i know it has to be a process and probably different for everyone..

Niki, (((((huggggs))))) , i can't express how thankful i am that You shared this with me..and i truly am so happy that you not only had your light bulb moment, but that it's not dictating your everyday or that you dont struggle so hard with it now..i would love that for myself one day, some days i feel willing and able, but i get reminded often i'm no where really near that.. Maybe this will be a struggle for life for me, right now it's about dealing with the inner stuff and situations of my past, finding forgiveness for people.. but mostly, forgiveness for myself, and healing.. truly healing... and learning different ways to deal with my emotions..

So your sharing inspires me, very much and i'm so grateful - your sharing has been a tremendous help to me in the past re: my father, and your ability to be so honest and helpful, makes me smile big.. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, xoxox

[sylvie]

Sylvie,

I just wanted to applaud you for your post, your honesty, your struggle against that disease, and applaud you for your COURAGE in your fight.

I am closely allied with several Eating Disorder Facilities in this country, and know the fight that people with this disorder have to deal with on a daily basis. I also KNOW first hand from these facilities that people CAN and DO recover!

I wish you strength and continued courage in your fight.

Ann

Ann, thank you so very much, between the posts from you all here in this thread and the touching reps i received, it helped settle my anxiousness about posting this thread.. Seeking help is hard to do, especially when it's something you've grown so used to hiding - i really do appreciate your words so much... Every bit of encouragement and support i receive these days is so helpful to me and motivates me to strive a little harder..

i am fighting, and continue to fight...thank you for your kind words & support.. ((((Ann))))

[sylvie]

i think pretty much everybody knows i'm a recently-recovered anorexic, as i have discussed it on a whole buncha threads now.

for me it was caused by extreme partner abuse. when i finally got out of the situation i figured the fact that i had survived meant i was ok- but the trauma from that situation stayed with me and controlled everything for the next two years, manifesting in a very extreme way in my anorexia but also in a whole host of other compulsive and isolating behaviors

so the moral of the story is- seek counseling for trauma! don't just assume you can limp out of Hell and into the rest of your life without processing it- because one way or another you'll be forced to deal with it!

:hk13:

i did not know you were a recovered anorexic, so am so very happy you shared with me here - thank you!

i, too, now know that i developed this as a young child due to events in my life as a means to have control over something - in an appointment i had for an intake to diagnose me recently, they told me i was diagnosed as a bulemic - and this was something i didn't know..

Since finding that out, i am coming to terms with the fact that stuffing the hurt down all these years has not been a help to me, and needing to deal with it.. Counselling was a huge factor in my wanting to help myself more..

i really appreciate your advice, and will continue to seek help through counselling and the courses they've been suggesting for me.. Right now, i am visiting a dietician on a regular basis and also getting ready to start a course called Craving Change - after that i start cognitive behavioural therapy.. All these things combined with the therapy and programs thus far, are helping me have healthier thoughts as far as eating and exercise and treating myself better in the longrun.. But also, to help really deal with those past demons as well that have been a source of constant hurt and easily triggered - which caused me to hurt myself more deeply.. Vicious circle..

Thank you again for your advice and sharing your story.. i really appreciate hearing your thoughts, so much.. ((((dc))))

[sylvie]

Last night, i attended an OA meeting online..
i find this a useful tool for me, because the OA meetings here in Saint John are only on Monday nights and Saturday mornings, which is when i almost always work..
It is nice to know i have something i can depend on when necessary in the comfort of my home..but i need to learn to USE it more, even on days i feel strong, to help me build strength to overcome the challenges coming to me ..

The online meetings are daily, and every 3 hours, so it's always convenient to find a time to go.. Last night, however, was the first time i was taking something negative from the meeting.. And i managed to get ahold of my own thoughts and removed myself from the meeting, recognizing that it's NOT what i can and will be doing to myself anymore - and so it was a nice feeling to have that bit of control - i felt good that i felt strong enough to overcome those bad feelings .. (celebrating my success at any level is important)

Practicing abstinence is one of the most difficult things i've had to do, especially with 2 teenagers who forget what i go through and bring no-no foods into my safe zone.. It takes every bit of strength i have in me to walk away or not obsess how much i want a taste too...i feel weak and want to be strong enough to handle being around people and the food they choose to eat, and not obsess it.. Not going places with certain friends such as restaurants or get-togethers, because they refuse to understand the battle i have each day and still wave temptation under my nose as a means to drive me crazy.. One of those people being my father, who will deliberately bring something into my house without my realizing, and then eat or drink it smacking his lips and saying mmmm, don't you wish you could have some too? It's simply not nice, and i know i have to be vocal about him NOT doing that, not in my home - it will no longer be tolerated.. (but i just wish i had the strength to NOT let these things bother me anymore, sigh) ... one day, hopefully!

As a binger, prior to getting help, there were many instances i would grab something and hide someplace and stuff it in my mouth, whether hungry or not..At home, my safe zone "then" was having the ability to get as much junkfood, or piling my portions on my plate at mealtimes as high as i wanted to, and eating until my body couldn't handle anymore.. The amounts of food i stuffed into me every single day is alarming, and downright embarrassing..

i try to think of these things, to help me gain strength to be a better and healthier me today..

[Gemme]

I'm not a binger and/or purger...I'm not a good thrower upper and if I am doing so, please get me to the hospital asap as it's usually a sign of me being terribly ill...but I do have an unheathly emotional connection to food.

For me, I'm not sure it's so much about control as lack of control. When I eat, I zone out. It's like freaking happy time for my mouth and I want more, more, more.

Last year, I started a food journal and workout log and worked out and really paid attention to what I was putting in my body. I felt better and lost a good chunk of weight. Then I started at my job and I was so darn tired from the commute and work itself (I spend at least a quarter of the day outside, which is quite wearing on the body in this heat) and the last thing I wanted to do when I got home was think about what I needed to eat and/or working out.

It's taken the better part of a year, but I've gained all my weight back at this point. Now, I'm in that floaty place where I know what needs to be done, know that I can do it (after all, I just did it not so long ago) but the motivation to do it is just not there. And so, I sit here idling away. No worse, no better.

Come to think of it, I take back what I said earlier. I do binge. Was it you, Sylvie, that said 'as much as my body would hold'? Well, I go beyond that sometimes. To the point that I look, honestly, like a pregnant woman in the beginning of my third trimester. It's terribly uncomfortable and just makes me feel worse once I realize just HOW much I ate.

I appreciate you starting this thread. Motivation and celebrating the good things, small and large, are definitely helpful in gaining more control over one's eating patterns. I look forward to reading more.

[Rockinonahigh]

I never thought I had an eating disorder untill I had to face the fact that I had near eaten my way to being a diabetic,even then I was in denyal for a while.I mean fruit is healthy...right....bread is or was supose to be good for ya.I mean food is what keeps me going from one carb high to another day after day.What really brought it to me like a cold slap in the face was over the last mardi gras season,I was takeing some pies that had sat in the friges for a fue days so I desided to throw them away...I did ok till the last one,a pecan pie.I walked to the fridge to take it out to the trash on way out the door I picked up a fork ..one more bite for the road.....wrong...I sat on the trunk of my car at 10pm stuffing as much pie in my mouth as I could.I swear I heard a voice say, Hey fool look what u r doing,I stoped to c who it was then I realise it was my inner voice telling me each bite was like playing russian roulett one bite at the time.I had to finaly admitt I was ging to have to own up to my eating habits and fast.Over all now some months later I have changed my eating habits slowly one day at the time to where im in controle of what goes in my mouth.I journal every thing I eat and journal how I feel before I do anything..it has kept me acountable to myself.I have lost weight,inches and two pants sises,I have gone from 303 to 249 since January of this year.I have some more to go but I know I can get there and maintain it when I do.

[T D]

Just a note, purging isn't just about throwing up. There's various ways to purge.

Also, purgers can have some very serious medical conditions on down the line if they keep this kind of behavior up for too long.

Upon hitting menopause (age 46, early menopause also caused by purging) I found that I had the bone density of an 80 year old woman. After years of medications and lots and lots of Calcium and Vitamin D, I'm now up to Osteopenia, but it took years to gain that bone density back.

[sylvie]

I'm not a binger and/or purger...I'm not a good thrower upper and if I am doing so, please get me to the hospital asap as it's usually a sign of me being terribly ill...but I do have an unheathly emotional connection to food.

For me, I'm not sure it's so much about control as lack of control. When I eat, I zone out. It's like freaking happy time for my mouth and I want more, more, more.

Last year, I started a food journal and workout log and worked out and really paid attention to what I was putting in my body. I felt better and lost a good chunk of weight. Then I started at my job and I was so darn tired from the commute and work itself (I spend at least a quarter of the day outside, which is quite wearing on the body in this heat) and the last thing I wanted to do when I got home was think about what I needed to eat and/or working out.

It's taken the better part of a year, but I've gained all my weight back at this point. Now, I'm in that floaty place where I know what needs to be done, know that I can do it (after all, I just did it not so long ago) but the motivation to do it is just not there. And so, I sit here idling away. No worse, no better.

Come to think of it, I take back what I said earlier. I do binge. Was it you, Sylvie, that said 'as much as my body would hold'? Well, I go beyond that sometimes. To the point that I look, honestly, like a pregnant woman in the beginning of my third trimester. It's terribly uncomfortable and just makes me feel worse once I realize just HOW much I ate.

I appreciate you starting this thread. Motivation and celebrating the good things, small and large, are definitely helpful in gaining more control over one's eating patterns. I look forward to reading more.

Ahh Gemme, the more i read this post the more i was nodding and soo knowing what you meant.. Especially with work, my work hours are a bit all over the place and when i work split shifts and 12 hour shifts, the last thing i feel like doing is taking the time to prepare something healthy AND working out.. especially after being on my feet all day - i still struggle with that today.. i do walk to and from work, which is only about a 10-15 min walk each way, but i think my body is adjusted to that now because i always walk to work.. So it's frustrating, VERY frustrating...

Yes, i did say that i would binge as much as my body would hold.. When i said that, i meant exactly what you meant cept it wasn't explaining it right, my body can hold much more than my appetite allows me, so my overeating is stuffing things inside me regardless of how full and digusting i feel, it 'is' a horrible feeling, especially when i finally shake myself out of my food coma and feel the effects of abusing my body the way i had..

My emotions of course take over, and i am SO hard on myself, and i get the negative thinking within, that im worthless and deserve to gain that weight back and it just shakes my confidence altogether that i've spent so long building up to keep myself motivated.. Then it becomes a vicious circle if i dont stop myself, now that i've binged and probably gained weight, i may as well eat that dang cookie, cuz its not going to matter.. Oh and well may as well eat junkfood for the rest of the day now and start new tomorrow.. my tomorrow really never comes, when i get in that frame of mind..

i know the bloating and feeling like a pregnant woman - i deal with that often too and it's strange when i stay on track, i notice mostly in my stomache that i lose first, so just goes to show what doing this to myself really does..

i'm so sorry about gaining your weight back Gemme, i didn't realize but you CAN do it, even when working.. We should work together and find ways to eat healthier and a workout routine around our work hours, i could really benefit from a healthier plan while working.. i do well on my days off or my short workdays, but i get myself in a real pickle when i'm working...

i also deal with emotional overeating, thats one huge stressor on my binging right there.. Monday, i got upset over the fact i had to delay the trip by two weeks to go see Mtn, i was to leave Sept 14 and now had to move it to Oct 3 due to passports - my heart was SOOO set on Sept 14.. What did i do? i lost control and overate , my portions were ridiculous and i felt SO awful for what i did, that i started again being hard on myself and again just not paying attention to what i was eating again and i really had to get myself back on track..

my weigh in today showed a 4 lb gain.. :: sad sigh ::
it's going to be a rough day, i can feel it.. i'm trying so hard not to be hard on myself, but 4 lbs in one week? takes me a friggin' week to lose 2 lbs!

thank you for sharing with me Gemme, and thank you for being happy for this thread, if any of you can use it or find benefit of having this thread here too, then that makes me happy.. i was scared to post it because a/i have a hard, hard time sharing this part of me, and b/i was scared no one else would understand or want to post in here..

i know it takes a great deal of courage to admit these things, and thought at least if i put it out there, even if people didn't post, someone might be reading and benefit from my struggle in some way to help themselves.. So, the same for any of you who post too, i really, truly thank you! Not only helps others, but me as well! ((((((((Gemme)))))))))

[sylvie]

I never thought I had an eating disorder untill I had to face the fact that I had near eaten my way to being a diabetic,even then I was in denyal for a while.I mean fruit is healthy...right....bread is or was supose to be good for ya.I mean food is what keeps me going from one carb high to another day after day.What really brought it to me like a cold slap in the face was over the last mardi gras season,I was takeing some pies that had sat in the friges for a fue days so I desided to throw them away...I did ok till the last one,a pecan pie.I walked to the fridge to take it out to the trash on way out the door I picked up a fork ..one more bite for the road.....wrong...I sat on the trunk of my car at 10pm stuffing as much pie in my mouth as I could.I swear I heard a voice say, Hey fool look what u r doing,I stoped to c who it was then I realise it was my inner voice telling me each bite was like playing russian roulett one bite at the time.I had to finaly admitt I was ging to have to own up to my eating habits and fast.Over all now some months later I have changed my eating habits slowly one day at the time to where im in controle of what goes in my mouth.I journal every thing I eat and journal how I feel before I do anything..it has kept me acountable to myself.I have lost weight,inches and two pants sises,I have gone from 303 to 249 since January of this year.I have some more to go but I know I can get there and maintain it when I do.

First of all, a super huge congratulations to you on the weight loss.. wow, that's fantastic, seriously!
i often worry about diabetes as well and honestly, i have no clue why i dont have it, considering the amounts of food i have eaten , high in sugar, salt etc.. i get tested every so often and it always comes back with great sugar results, so ive been very lucky.. Not to say it wouldnt have happened if i would have continued though..

But i sooo know the feeling, on that binging and devouring the food and hearing that voice.. my voice sadly tells me the opposite, to keep going.. i know it's a bad thing and that's my fight right now, keeping myself accountable and making these changes despite what the inner me is telling me to do.. i kind of have to step outside of myself sometimes and look at the big picture, what my goals are and what do i have to do to achieve them.. But it takes one little mistake of putting something in my mouth that i shouldn't to throw me all out of whack..

i keep saying i am going to be faithful about journalling what i eat.. i started doing it a few times and never kept it up.. i do know its important to do, and should, because seeing it there in print would probably help me stay on track more..

thank you for sharing Rockinonahigh, i sooo appreciate it and keep up the great work!

[sylvie]

Just a note, purging isn't just about throwing up. There's various ways to purge.

Also, purgers can have some very serious medical conditions on down the line if they keep this kind of behavior up for too long.

Upon hitting menopause (age 46, early menopause also caused by purging) I found that I had the bone density of an 80 year old woman. After years of medications and lots and lots of Calcium and Vitamin D, I'm now up to Osteopenia, but it took years to gain that bone density back.


((((Stevin))))
You are so right, it's not just throwing up.. for me, personally, thats what purging has been, but i know there are other methods and i'm glad you brought this up..
my scare has always been how what i am doing is affecting my health, i'm 38 years old now and after doing this for so long i am 'now' feeling it more in ways i never have, and knew it was a matter of time before something would impact my health negatively.. (or even moreso, i should say)..

i didn't realize purging could bring on early menopause.. To be honest, i'm petrified to look up what i've been doing to myself and what things could happen to me, i've always avoided looking..(sad, i know) But, important that i'm wanting change, now.. i think a big reason of why i started this thread is knowing i would learn from others, if they were to share, and would motivate me to be more aware of what i do to myself when i do these things...i need to be deal with the truths, and be honest with myself, of course..

i soo appreciate you sharing here, Stevin.. and thrilled that you gained the bone density back and are finding yourself in a healthier place.. that is wonderful!

[sylvie]

Today's Update:

weighed in this morning, to a 4 lb gain.. :: sad face ::
i am struggling emotionally, i wanna throw it all to the wind and give up, but seriously, it's 4 lbs.. i know i can lose that again, and i know i made some bad choices which is why i gained it...

Jennifer said in another thread, that i should celebrate the overall loss, because it's still a good loss of weight.. Sometimes it really helps to hear the positives and motivation from others, and that's why i have this thread.. it not only keeps me accountable, but motivated..

i made the mistake of binging on Monday, and although i didn't physically stick my fingers down my throat to purge it, i am able to do so just by thinkin it, and it will come up.. my body is trained to act on my want or need to do it, which is a pretty scary thing sometimes.. i didn't fully void all the food i had consumed, only a little because as i was, i was so disappointed in myself for falling back to old habits...

The overwhelming guilt i had for keeping the rest of that food in, however... i can't even explain, i had the inner fight with myself - and so now today, seeing that weight gain made me think back to "why didn't i just DO it".. now, i'm mad at myself for even thinking that. While i have the stinkin' thinkin' within me still, i also have the healthier thinking too, and know that i need to make changes.. so my thoughts get overwhelmed at times like i am spinning in circles and can't find my way!!

VERY thankful for this thread today - getting this out there, helps me see i CAN and WILL get back on track.. This is a bump in the road, not a reason to give up!

[Gemme]

Ahh Gemme, the more i read this post the more i was nodding and soo knowing what you meant.. Especially with work, my work hours are a bit all over the place and when i work split shifts and 12 hour shifts, the last thing i feel like doing is taking the time to prepare something healthy AND working out.. especially after being on my feet all day - i still struggle with that today.. i do walk to and from work, which is only about a 10-15 min walk each way, but i think my body is adjusted to that now because i always walk to work.. So it's frustrating, VERY frustrating...

Yes, i did say that i would binge as much as my body would hold.. When i said that, i meant exactly what you meant cept it wasn't explaining it right, my body can hold much more than my appetite allows me, so my overeating is stuffing things inside me regardless of how full and digusting i feel, it 'is' a horrible feeling, especially when i finally shake myself out of my food coma and feel the effects of abusing my body the way i had..

My emotions of course take over, and i am SO hard on myself, and i get the negative thinking within, that im worthless and deserve to gain that weight back and it just shakes my confidence altogether that i've spent so long building up to keep myself motivated.. Then it becomes a vicious circle if i dont stop myself, now that i've binged and probably gained weight, i may as well eat that dang cookie, cuz its not going to matter.. Oh and well may as well eat junkfood for the rest of the day now and start new tomorrow.. my tomorrow really never comes, when i get in that frame of mind..

i know the bloating and feeling like a pregnant woman - i deal with that often too and it's strange when i stay on track, i notice mostly in my stomache that i lose first, so just goes to show what doing this to myself really does..

i'm so sorry about gaining your weight back Gemme, i didn't realize but you CAN do it, even when working.. We should work together and find ways to eat healthier and a workout routine around our work hours, i could really benefit from a healthier plan while working.. i do well on my days off or my short workdays, but i get myself in a real pickle when i'm working...

i also deal with emotional overeating, thats one huge stressor on my binging right there.. Monday, i got upset over the fact i had to delay the trip by two weeks to go see Mtn, i was to leave Sept 14 and now had to move it to Oct 3 due to passports - my heart was SOOO set on Sept 14.. What did i do? i lost control and overate , my portions were ridiculous and i felt SO awful for what i did, that i started again being hard on myself and again just not paying attention to what i was eating again and i really had to get myself back on track..

my weigh in today showed a 4 lb gain.. :: sad sigh ::
it's going to be a rough day, i can feel it.. i'm trying so hard not to be hard on myself, but 4 lbs in one week? takes me a friggin' week to lose 2 lbs!

thank you for sharing with me Gemme, and thank you for being happy for this thread, if any of you can use it or find benefit of having this thread here too, then that makes me happy.. i was scared to post it because a/i have a hard, hard time sharing this part of me, and b/i was scared no one else would understand or want to post in here..

i know it takes a great deal of courage to admit these things, and thought at least if i put it out there, even if people didn't post, someone might be reading and benefit from my struggle in some way to help themselves.. So, the same for any of you who post too, i really, truly thank you! Not only helps others, but me as well! ((((((((Gemme)))))))))

Thank you for your support, Sylvie.

For me, I find that working helps me to keep on track. Well, at least for the first part of the day. I have my fairly healthy breakfast of oatmeal, raisins, walnuts and skim milk and then I pack my lunch, which is usually a sandwich and some fruit. I tend to bring an extra banana in case I get hungry before my lunch. But then again, my lunch hour is set and my schedule is much more streamlined and routine than yours.

My trouble comes at night. I sit in front of the telly and zone out or play online and nibble at this and that. My switch that says "I'm full" doesn't work at night. I can, and have, put away more food in that one hour than I have all day.

I know it's largely a case of mindful eating. But that takes time. When I'm home, I multi-task. Even now, I'm here but I'm doing laundry and eating breakfast. Simply Orange juice and turkey sausage, which isn't horrible, but I'll probably add on something really bad like ice cream.

The structure of my work days help me and my days off are harder for me to control. I get that 'it's my day off and I don't want to do anything' feeling which leads to more laziness and general overeating.

I have developed a bit of a Coke problem lately too. Ebon and I have joked about it, but it's true. I used to drink soda once in a while and I'm now downing several a day. I'm drinking my calories, basically, because it fills me up and then I'm not hungry when I should be and so I wind up eating later....

Eh, I know I will work it out. It's just this time in between, when I'm realizing where I was and how far I've let myself slide, that's really difficult to deal with.

As for your weigh in, I have found that the most honest way to weigh in is right after I get up and go to the restroom, but before breakfast and coffee, etc. As you go about your day, you add food and drink that has sodium (water retention and bloating) and sugar and just weight in general. That's one thing that I learned a while ago and, when I do weigh myself, I try to follow those parameters for as honest a number as possible.

TD, I didn't know about the other ways to purge. The image of the "typical" person with a binging/purging eating disorder is pretty much burned in my brain from all those after school specials and news reports. Female, teens to early 20s, etc. even though I do know that males also battle eating disorders too and that it's not about the person's shape (big, little, medium...can all have one), so thanks for adding some clarification.

[sylvie]

Gemme,

i am SOOO the same way, i swear that it felt as though i was reading my own words right there..

At work, i find it much easier to stay on track too, mostly because we get busy with our shifts and then come breaktime, we have half hour which between that and talking with the others, it's pretty easy for me to stay on track.. i find it much worse when i come home, because i work til 7pm.. and i dont want to eat at work, the food isnt the healthiest there, but getting home at 7pm, showering and THEN eating, i find myself eating at 8 or 830pm.. course, going from our afternoon break til when i can eat at home without eating, by the time i am home im famished..

it's SO easy to fall off track because of this, so a real struggle of mine too.. i'm definitely a picker, grab a lil of this and a lil of that but i am not mindful to how much i am taking in altogether.. it never feels like much when i am just taking a bit of this and that..

i got myself off of sodapop back in April and can honestly say thats something i have NOT done since.. however, i will admit i was so down this morning, i threw change into the pop machine at work and got diet pepsi, and i took one sip of it, and the guilt took over and i poured it out down the sink and tossed the can to recycling.. Why i did it, i dont know. . i think i was so mad at myself for the 4 lbs, so i was punishing myself or something... i dont even crave it these days anymore, so wasnt that i was craving it at that moment, think i was just ready to beat myself up or something.. Glad (now) that i poured it out, that was the best decision i could have made today.. but, ugh! i know the sodapop frenzy well, i used to drink it all day everyday, til i quit it.. i was buying a big bottle of diet pepsi and drinking it all myself through the run of a day and sometimes going back for more! i didn't get water or anything else in my system, what a load of sugar!

my days off are also days i want to overeat, mostly out of boredom.. i could push myself out for a walk, or to exercise, and i feel more motivated to be good to myself, but when i am watching tv or playing here online, i want to eat out of boredom, or by habit because i always ate and snacked while watching tv or here online... especially when i binged..

Just right now, even.. sitting here spilling my guts about how hard it gets, it's taking everything not to go to the corner store and buy the potato chips and stuff i'm craving and eat it, ALL of it.. This morning, i prepared dessert for the residents for lunch, chocolate chip cookies , homemade.. Damn, why did i get stuck gathering those cookies all up and getting them ready??? They looked soooo good, but i stayed strong..

Well, sort of.. i went to the staff lounge, and sat at the table by myself and cried my eyes out.. Over cookies!

Thank you sooo much for the tip on weigh ins.. i weigh in at work, but maybe i should buy myself a scale.. i'm scared i will obsess and weigh myself constantly.. so figured i would weigh in at work, one of the managers keeps track of my weight lost etc for me, and i use her scale, she has a weight watchers digital one... i go once a week that way, but maybe it would be better if i had one on my own...

[Gemme]

Good point. For a while, I did obsess about weigh ins. I was also trying to learn better how certain foods/meals/etc affected my weight, though, so I'd weigh myself before and after working out to see how much I'd sweated out and after each meal and I can honestly say that I did learn some valuable things. But you are right...it is very easy to become obsessed with the numbers on the scale.

[Miss Scarlett]

When i was in my 20's i found myself fighting my way back from bulimarexia...an ugly cycle of binging, purging, restricting, obsessing, smoking like a chimney, living on chewing gum - sugarless of course and black coffee, exercising constantly well into the night, sometimes all night...

At the height of this i wouldn't eat in front of anyone; was addicted to laxatives (Correctol being my fav since it was pink) taking as many as the entire card of 15 tablets any time i put food in my mouth so food would pass very quickly; was also so addicted to ipecac that my fav pharmacies finally refused to sell it to me but i found it at a grocery store and bought every bottle they had as often as possible...

i wore designer clothes and looked wonderful (according to my Mom)...but i couldn't sit in a hard chair because my tailbone was poking out and it hurt, my hair thinned, my nails became brittle - they have never really recovered and 25 years later are still thin and misshapen, the enamel on my teeth was destroyed, sleep had become a foreign concept...i was so controlled by this i could go for 2 weeks or more without food and for a while wouldn't even swallow my own saliva...

Then Karen Carpenter died...

That got my attention because until then i didn't realize this could kill you and we shared a fondness for ipecac. i was scared and sought help and stayed in therapy until the behaviours stopped but never dealt with the underlying causes until going back into counseling last year.

i've had to accept that this will never leave me...

i've had to learn to love me just the way i am...

i've had to learn to accept that i will always be wary of every bite of food that goes into my mouth...

And i've had to learn that when my whole world seems to be spinning out of control i will always find myself wanting to fall back into some of those comfortable, familiar patterns, that there will be times when i will slip back into them...and when that happens i need to forgive and nurture myself...

[dark_crystal]

At the height of this i wouldn't eat in front of anyone; was addicted to laxatives (Correctol being my fav since it was pink) taking as many as the entire card of 15 tablets any time i put food in my mouth so food would pass very quickly; was also so addicted to ipecac that my fav pharmacies finally refused to sell it to me but i found it at a grocery store and bought every bottle they had as often as possible...

i wore designer clothes and looked wonderful (according to my Mom)...but i couldn't sit in a hard chair because my tailbone was poking out and it hurt

I was the same way about people seeing me eat- and i still have moments when i am eating and someone walks in on my and i feel like i can't finish until they leave again

I was afraid of laxative addiction b/c i had heard you could end up with a colostomy bag forever- i decided i was going to outsmart that and just have multiple daily enemas- haha guess what- long term effects the same

i got so bony that it hurt to lay on the bed and i couldn't go through doors with my hands full because opening it with my hip was too painful

the scary part is that i still think i looked great and have moments where i really resent my recovery

then i remind myself of how lonely it was- i couldn't go anywhere or do anything because there are calories in every social, family, and professional event

and there is still a little voice that whispers "there must be a way to get back to a 16 BMI and still have a life"

[Miss Scarlett]

I was the same way about people seeing me eat- and i still have moments when i am eating and someone walks in on my and i feel like i can't finish until they leave again

I was afraid of laxative addiction b/c i had heard you could end up with a colostomy bag forever- i decided i was going to outsmart that and just have multiple daily enemas- haha guess what- long term effects the same

i got so bony that it hurt to lay on the bed and i couldn't go through doors with my hands full because opening it with my hip was too painful

the scary part is that i still think i looked great and have moments where i really resent my recovery

then i remind myself of how lonely it was- i couldn't go anywhere or do anything because there are calories in every social, family, and professional event

and there is still a little voice that whispers "there must be a way to get back to a 16 BMI and still have a life"

Yes, we'll always have those moments...most of the time i can ignore it but when under stress or very upset...

The hardest thing for me to accept when i began my journey back was that this will be with me forever.

Breaking my use of laxatives was extremely painful. i was fortunate that the father of a good friend was a doctor and was willing to "assist" me when things became "difficult."

Fortunately i didn't have any lasting consequences from the laxatives. The ipecac addiction was of great concern for many years and i still get my heart checked annually because of the occasional funky rhythm i inherited from my grandmother. But there doesn't seem to be anything of concern there either.

Do remember how comforting that self-imposed exile felt? Whenever it crosses my mind i have to stop and ask myself "what was i thinking?"

[nycfem]

Are there any books people find helpful? I just love the book "Wasted" by Marya Hornbacher.

[dark_crystal]

Do remember how comforting that self-imposed exile felt? Whenever it crosses my mind i have to stop and ask myself "what was i thinking?"

it was very safe....infinitely predictable. now i feel like life is really chaotic and i go back and forth on whether that's a good thing

Are there any books people find helpful? I just love the book "Wasted" by Marya Hornbacher.

Portia DiRossi's book was the very best- the most honest about the aftermath of making the decision to recover. Other books either end just after the decision, or gloss over the things you desperately want to know, like "exactly how much will i gain?" Portia told all.

[Miss Scarlett]

it was very safe....infinitely predictable. now i feel like life is really chaotic and i go back and forth on whether that's a good thing

(((((dark_crystal))))) Going back and forth is pretty "normal" in any recovery...i do the same thing about smoking. At the moment i am pondering whether or not to start back up which is nothing new for me. It has happened several times a year since i quit back in 1988.

i don't know where you are with this or how long you've been on your recovery journey. mine began 25 years ago and over those years i had to learn to accept this is a day by day thing, at times it will be moment by moment and sometimes even bite by bite.

i confess that at the moment there are 2 bottles of recently purchased ipecac on the counter in my kitchen...also nothing new for me. From time to time (when stressed, struggling or going through some sort of dark times) i pick up a bottle or so. They will sit there until i feel that i no longer need them and then i will throw them away - unopened (well, unopened is the goal).

We are by no means weak, oh no no no! We need to learn to rechannel the tremendous strength and self control/regulation that enable us to maintain those destructive behaviours. It doesn't happen overnight and takes a lot of work but it is possible.

[nycfem]

Another favorite book of mine is Home Sick by Jenny Lauren, Ralph Lauren's niece. She developed permanent, very serious stomach problems. She used A LOT of Ipecac throughout her youth.

[Miss Scarlett]

Another favorite book of mine is Home Sick by Jenny Lauren, Ralph Lauren's niece. She developed permanent, very serious stomach problems. She used A LOT of Ipecac throughout her youth.

Thanks Jenn, i'll have to check this out...

[sylvie]

i've been having a really bad week..
i've been hard on myself, and that's why i've been offline, until things improve.. i'm having a very hard time getting myself back into a healthy headspace about this, it's so easy to want to fall back to old habits..

So right now, my time offline has been about using my tools and resources and getting myself back on track.. It all went downhill from gaining the 4 lbs back - i swear this is the toughest struggle of my entire life..

i was repped last week (i just seen it tonight) and it said "No beating yourself..... falling on your face is still moving forward!" - how true is that? so i'm writing it down and i'm pinning it up in a few places, on my bedroom mirror, on my refrigerator and a few places i look often - i need to remember this! (thank you Inked Trinity for that) ..

---
i have been attending meetings everyday - & just want to extend a huge thank you to those of you sharing in this thread but also those of you who have repped and messaged me privately - it's sooo appreciated.. i really, really need this, so much, it not only helps me to understand my own crazy emotions, but also helps me and motivates me to stop my self destructive behaviours..

i have to believe i can do this & need to get back on track!

[sylvie]

We are by no means weak, oh no no no! We need to learn to rechannel the tremendous strength and self control/regulation that enable us to maintain those destructive behaviours. It doesn't happen overnight and takes a lot of work but it is possible.

This is something i need to understand more about myself these days, and also that it doesn't happen overnight.. i'm not weak.. it's taking every bit of strength and control i have within me to do this day to day - and this IS possible. because everyday, it's such a struggle and i get frustrated and it gets so overwhelming and i just want to cry ... it feels like completely silly things to cry over, but to me i feel like i'm giving up something thats been such a source of peace to me for so many years.. (i know that's a bad way of thinking about it) but it's so difficult... i really, really commend you (all of you actually) for the strength you's have to be so strong and to share your thoughts and stories with me.. i strive for some ease with myself and strength to look at this more realistically, and really do what's best for me and taking care of me - rather than fall to old habits...

it's funny how i can build myself up for so long, and then downspiral SO quick... i can do this too -

((((dc)))), i would love to read Portia's book as well, think that will be my next book purchase, actually! thanks for suggesting that, i remember seeing it on Ellen one day...
((((Jenn)))) thank you for your book suggestions too! i soo need to action buying them, the more resources the better! and i know your read suggestions rock!
((((Miss Scarlett)))) i am so understanding when you said the hardest thing for you to understand is that this will be with you forever... i struggle with that the most, i know this will be a lifetime commitment...
And reading your words, rang true for me, the thinning hair, the enamel on your teeth, brittle nails.. i have a very hard time eating in public, even today.. i dont like people watching me eat, unless they are people in my comfort zone, like close family, a partner, etc..

what i need to work on - forgiving myself..and moving forward and trying again!

[Miss Scarlett]

(((((sylvie))))) Punkin you can PM me any time you need to talk.

BTW - cry...it's not silly and in fact i highly recommend it.



This is something i need to understand more about myself these days, and also that it doesn't happen overnight.. i'm not weak.. it's taking every bit of strength and control i have within me to do this day to day - and this IS possible. because everyday, it's such a struggle and i get frustrated and it gets so overwhelming and i just want to cry ... it feels like completely silly things to cry over, but to me i feel like i'm giving up something thats been such a source of peace to me for so many years.. (i know that's a bad way of thinking about it) but it's so difficult... i really, really commend you (all of you actually) for the strength you's have to be so strong and to share your thoughts and stories with me.. i strive for some ease with myself and strength to look at this more realistically, and really do what's best for me and taking care of me - rather than fall to old habits...

it's funny how i can build myself up for so long, and then downspiral SO quick... i can do this too -

((((dc)))), i would love to read Portia's book as well, think that will be my next book purchase, actually! thanks for suggesting that, i remember seeing it on Ellen one day...
((((Jenn)))) thank you for your book suggestions too! i soo need to action buying them, the more resources the better! and i know your read suggestions rock!
((((Miss Scarlett)))) i am so understanding when you said the hardest thing for you to understand is that this will be with you forever... i struggle with that the most, i know this will be a lifetime commitment...
And reading your words, rang true for me, the thinning hair, the enamel on your teeth, brittle nails.. i have a very hard time eating in public, even today.. i dont like people watching me eat, unless they are people in my comfort zone, like close family, a partner, etc..

what i need to work on - forgiving myself..and moving forward and trying again!

[sylvie]

(((((sylvie))))) Punkin you can PM me any time you need to talk.

BTW - cry...it's not silly and in fact i highly recommend it.



thank You so much Miss Scarlett, i am going to PM you right now before i sign off for the night!! i've been dying to get in here and catch up with this thread, thank you again! ♥

[Miss Scarlett]

While packing up things for my upcoming move i came across my old food journals. The ones i kept before i started recovery were interesting and very different from subsequent journals.

In minute detail i kept accounts of date, time, food - amount & calories, weight before eating, weight after eating, whether or not i "kept it", method of purging, exercise following the purge and weight following the purge. What i found really interesting were some of the derogatory comments i made about myself...fat, weak, ugly, worthless, etc.

Recovery journals are also a detailed account of food thoughts and behaviours but record different information. Every time i had a food thought i was to record the date & time, food under consideration, what was going on when i had the food thought, whether or not i ate it and how i felt afterwards.

My current counselor has me keeping a different journal that i call "How am i feeling and why?" That's pretty self explanatory. There are times i don't want to journal but it almost always makes me feel better when i do. i don't keep those either because i don't want to see that stuff again. Instead i give them to my counselor.

i still overthink things and struggle with perfectionism. Getting it out of my head and onto paper does help.

[sylvie]

i soo appreciate your thoughts on the journalling, it's a great idea.
i think i could really learn from that.. right now, i do journal each day, it's a must of me - but not quite that detailed.. i could use looking back on all of those details, learning, accepting, forgiving, my feelings & the changes within me, as i grow with this each day...

i am leaning towards purchasing a weight scale, it's something i've not done because i really do obsess my weight.. but wondering is it healthy to obsess it some? i noticed You said you recorded weight before and after eating & i can see how looking back on the things you recorded would help in the longrun.. including the derogatory comments - in looking back.. being completely honest about your feelings, good or bad ...

i think this is really something i could benefit from doing Miss Scarlett, thank you for sharing! i'm eager to hear advice of any kind, it's all helpful to me, because i sought help not long ago and everything is so raw and new to me in dealing with these emotions and the anger and the up & down moods..

i keep telling myself i am proud of myself for doing this hard work.. And though most people in my life do not and will not understand, what's important is that i recognize the dangers in what i was doing, and i did what i thought i would never do, ask for help.. so much to celebrate for that alone, it's one of the few things that drives me to keep at this, even after i fall.. That and the love & support of a few amazing people in my life... ♥ as well as the sharing from all of you!

Thank you, so so much! (i know i keep saying thank you, but i just cant explain how grateful i am, for the sharing as well as the reps and messages, encouragement, & understanding..

PS - Today was an easier day for me - but i was free of temptation and avoided certain things.. my father, however called me today and upset me a great deal, he's a negative force in my life, very often.. That upset caused me to get very emotional and the stinkin' thinkin' began.. But i was able to deal with that upset in a healthier way through meditation (which has become a great source of comfort for me) i did a self love meditation, which put me in a stronger, healthier frame of mind..

Not the way i would deal with emotions and stress in the past of course, but i wasn't riddled with anger over NOT turning towards food - and so for today, that felt good..The difficult thoughts were there though, wanting to binge and wanting to seek out food and put myself in unhealthy situations that would torment me, a form of self abuse i have..

not acting on those thoughts, is worth celebrating for me today!

[sylvie]

i also wanted to mention, i feel very lost without counselling these days.. (and never thought i would EVER say such a thing in my life..) i've always been such a skeptic about counselling through life due to bad experiences, but once i admitted i needed help, i went through the EAP program at my work and got 4 sessions of counselling, which helped me tremendously..

i will be starting a new therapy, once i complete the craving changes course (which i am unsure of dates) but..i recognize today that counselling is so beneficial and necessary for my recovery.. Since my sessions ended, i feel more out of control, and all over the place with my emotions...

maybe this is something i need to research and even pay for, if necessary...
right now i feel like i am helping myself, which can be rewarding when it works - but blows up in my face a lot when i lose sight of myself..

i need more help than OA meetings - it's my only tool right now, besides journalling.
Your post about Your counsellor made me feel envious some Miss Scarlett, and it was an eye opener, that i miss this and that i'm not getting the decent help i need, i'm taking too much on myself and then beat myself up for not following through..

[Nat]

I'm a compulsive overeater and I've been attending OA since March. There was also a time when purging became part of my cycle. It was when a diet began falling apart, and every time I went over-calorie, I'd just try to find an isolated bathroom and get rid of it. It was hugely satisfying and a bit addictive in itself. However, I was able to quit doing that part after a while. It wasn't a life-long habit - but it was a strangely addictive one. It was awesome to just kinda hit the undo button on what I'd eaten, and it left me feeling very physically at peace and in control. It was a pretty hard habit for me to hide though, and I think the main reason it didn't become a more permanent habit.

I listen to a lot of 12 step podcasts - most geared more toward alcohol and drug recovery. But food is a drug for me - it numbs me, it comforts me, it entertains me. I think so much of my life has revolved around thoughts about what and when I will get to eat next. Abstinence is hard, but over time I've had more "days of grace" - this is what I call the days that are relatively easy to get through without overeating. The OA groups in my area don't seem to have the same solidity to them as the AA groups - at least the members who have also spent a long time in AA seem to have a better grasp of the full experience of 12 step. It seems many alcoholics find themselves addicted to sugar/simple carbs once alcohol has been cut out. At least I run into a relatively large number who successfully got sober, but turned to food.

I know there are a lot of different kinds of abstinence, but I use an app on my iphone called "lose it." It allows me to record anything I eat. It has programs for maintenance and also for losing weight. Really, my main goal is to heal my insides. I have spent much of my life learning to embrace my weight. One of the sayings I've heard is "Come for the vanity, stay for the sanity." I'm one of very few who came for the sanity. The steps are intimidating for me, but I'm hoping I can find a workable way through them.

The first part of gaining sanity for me is keeping a record of what I eat - and the lose-it program allows me to do that relatively easily. I have not been honest with myself about how much I eat - often I'm totally unconscious of it and I tend to rationalize the times I eat enough for 3-4 people. So putting my info in the program before I can take a bite has really been helpful. I'm not so concerned about whether I go over the limit every once in a while. Right now my abstinence consists mostly of writing down everything I eat.

I have a sponsor, but she's not available a lot, and I'm beginning to think I need to switch. I would like to have a stronger support system and feel that I need one. However, I'm thankful to have the one I've got. It's been hard being what I believe to be the only non-Christian in the room at those meetings, but I do try to do some sort of prayer in the morning. Sometimes it's to the Universe, sometimes to the Tao, sometimes to specific deities, sometimes to Nature. Whatever/Whomever I pray to, I try to imagine it's benevolent. I haven't really found a sweet spot that works for me on the days when I'm feeling cynical, but whatever I'm doing, it seems to be working. More and more days where food isn't the thought of most of my moments. I want to heal as much as I can, and the more I am part of a community focused on healing compulsive food behaviors, the more helpful it is to me Our world gives us such strong mixed messages about food and physical aesthetics regarding weight. It's nice to go to a meeting or listen to OA podcasts as well as other recovery podcasts.

There was a woman recently at a meeting who was talking about how she'd had an argument with her significant other - and she left the house for the night. Before she left, she packed up her food because she knew it would be dangerous for her if she did not. She said she liked coming to the group because people in the rest of the world would never get what a triumph it was for her to take the time to make sure she had her healthy food to eat before leaving, but that when she comes to OA, there are people there "from her planet." I think that's part of it for me too. I know lots of other compulsive overeaters, but few are attempting to recover. It feels good to have community with others who share some of my weird behaviors about food - like eating before I go to dinner, eating in secret, hiding how much I eat, etc. And lying to myself even about how much I eat. It feels good to feel balanced about food. Sometimes I look into the future and think about foods I may never get to eat again, but I just try to remind myself that I'm not eating those foods today. Looking into the future and saying "never again" upsets me. So I just do that one day at a time thing. And sometimes that's just one moment at a time. I try to ask myself more and more, "what's the next right action?" when i'm tempted to do things that would sabotage me. If a day is too much to face, I just try to focus on the next right action.

Anyway, that's my ramble for the night. Thanks for starting this thread!

[Miss Scarlett]

sylvie, i totally understand about a parent being a trigger. Mom was my trigger. All my life she ragged me about my weight with statements like: "Nobody wants a fat ______" , "My friends all say 'Your daughter has such a pretty face. It's a shame she's so fat.' Do you know how embarassing that is for me? Their daughters are all thin and pretty and look at you!" and "I am so ashamed of you."

Eventually my middle brother joined that chorus and my parents did nothing about his ugly words. Is it any wonder that i came to equate my value/acceptance/self-worth with my weight?

BTW when i was growing up i wasn't severely overweight...maybe a few pounds but nothing more. i was very much into sports, especially softball and swimming. i'd like to blame my eating disorder on pressure from a coach but that's not the case. When i was swimming fulltime my body was muscular and tight - i was in the best physical shape of my life but that was not good enough. It was the same when i was running.

It wasn't until the mid-80s when i was at the height of my bulimarexia and destroying my health that she considered me pretty.

All i ever wanted was to be thin enough to please my Mom so she would love me and i would no longer make her ashamed or embarassed. Rejection by Mom or anyone was because i wasn't thin...and i still struggle with that though it's not as strong.

After my recovery from being so dangerously thin i became dangerously obese...also part of my bulimarexia. That confuses many people because there is this misconception that you cannot gain weight with that disorder.

Mom's death in 2007 was devastating for me. We'd worked together for over 10 years and had become very close. But it was also liberating for me. my motivation for losing weight had nothing to do with her and everything to do with me. It is also easier to overcome the desire to binge because most of the triggers are not as strong.

Counseling has been a godsend for me. Changing jobs from one city to another has helped and next month i am moving to another city which will further my healing.

Geez, i've been rambling this morning. i gotta get ready for work...

Wishing everyone here a wonderful day!

Remember to be gentle with yourself today...(f)

[sylvie]

I'm a compulsive overeater and I've been attending OA since March. There was also a time when purging became part of my cycle. It was when a diet began falling apart, and every time I went over-calorie, I'd just try to find an isolated bathroom and get rid of it. It was hugely satisfying and a bit addictive in itself. However, I was able to quit doing that part after a while. It wasn't a life-long habit - but it was a strangely addictive one. It was awesome to just kinda hit the undo button on what I'd eaten, and it left me feeling very physically at peace and in control. It was a pretty hard habit for me to hide though, and I think the main reason it didn't become a more permanent habit.

I listen to a lot of 12 step podcasts - most geared more toward alcohol and drug recovery. But food is a drug for me - it numbs me, it comforts me, it entertains me. I think so much of my life has revolved around thoughts about what and when I will get to eat next. Abstinence is hard, but over time I've had more "days of grace" - this is what I call the days that are relatively easy to get through without overeating. The OA groups in my area don't seem to have the same solidity to them as the AA groups - at least the members who have also spent a long time in AA seem to have a better grasp of the full experience of 12 step. It seems many alcoholics find themselves addicted to sugar/simple carbs once alcohol has been cut out. At least I run into a relatively large number who successfully got sober, but turned to food.

I know there are a lot of different kinds of abstinence, but I use an app on my iphone called "lose it." It allows me to record anything I eat. It has programs for maintenance and also for losing weight. Really, my main goal is to heal my insides. I have spent much of my life learning to embrace my weight. One of the sayings I've heard is "Come for the vanity, stay for the sanity." I'm one of very few who came for the sanity. The steps are intimidating for me, but I'm hoping I can find a workable way through them.

The first part of gaining sanity for me is keeping a record of what I eat - and the lose-it program allows me to do that relatively easily. I have not been honest with myself about how much I eat - often I'm totally unconscious of it and I tend to rationalize the times I eat enough for 3-4 people. So putting my info in the program before I can take a bite has really been helpful. I'm not so concerned about whether I go over the limit every once in a while. Right now my abstinence consists mostly of writing down everything I eat.

I have a sponsor, but she's not available a lot, and I'm beginning to think I need to switch. I would like to have a stronger support system and feel that I need one. However, I'm thankful to have the one I've got. It's been hard being what I believe to be the only non-Christian in the room at those meetings, but I do try to do some sort of prayer in the morning. Sometimes it's to the Universe, sometimes to the Tao, sometimes to specific deities, sometimes to Nature. Whatever/Whomever I pray to, I try to imagine it's benevolent. I haven't really found a sweet spot that works for me on the days when I'm feeling cynical, but whatever I'm doing, it seems to be working. More and more days where food isn't the thought of most of my moments. I want to heal as much as I can, and the more I am part of a community focused on healing compulsive food behaviors, the more helpful it is to me Our world gives us such strong mixed messages about food and physical aesthetics regarding weight. It's nice to go to a meeting or listen to OA podcasts as well as other recovery podcasts.

There was a woman recently at a meeting who was talking about how she'd had an argument with her significant other - and she left the house for the night. Before she left, she packed up her food because she knew it would be dangerous for her if she did not. She said she liked coming to the group because people in the rest of the world would never get what a triumph it was for her to take the time to make sure she had her healthy food to eat before leaving, but that when she comes to OA, there are people there "from her planet." I think that's part of it for me too. I know lots of other compulsive overeaters, but few are attempting to recover. It feels good to have community with others who share some of my weird behaviors about food - like eating before I go to dinner, eating in secret, hiding how much I eat, etc. And lying to myself even about how much I eat. It feels good to feel balanced about food. Sometimes I look into the future and think about foods I may never get to eat again, but I just try to remind myself that I'm not eating those foods today. Looking into the future and saying "never again" upsets me. So I just do that one day at a time thing. And sometimes that's just one moment at a time. I try to ask myself more and more, "what's the next right action?" when i'm tempted to do things that would sabotage me. If a day is too much to face, I just try to focus on the next right action.

Anyway, that's my ramble for the night. Thanks for starting this thread!

((((Nat))))
wow, can i relate with this post. thank you very much for sharing!
Purging was hard for me to hide as well, my doctor found me out one day after i had been doing it awhile and she put the fear into me, as a single mother i didn't want to be admitted into the hospital nor deal with the health problems she suggested, including death. Although it didn't stop me from purging, it did slow it way down... For the most part, i binged and binged and binged some more - even that wasn't an everyday thing in the beginning, but it eventually took over my everyday... i started to gain some serious weight - and sadly hurting my finances, in a major way. It really caused us some hardships, especially where i wasn't working for years - and i've an extreme guilt over that alone, which is something i do not forgive myself for, i struggle to but it's difficult, because it not only affected me but those around me.. How embarrassing..

OA has been such a source of a great tool for me, especially lately where i've no counselling - i can relate with being the non christian in the room.. The very first OA meeting i attended, was here in town and i struggled with getting around the spiritual part of it and focusing on what i needed for me, the part on overeating.. i was overwhelmed with how much these ladies focused on things i couldn't get my mind around, it was the one and only meeting i attended, because i was able to find a really great website that hosts online meetings every 3 hours of the day.. It isn't so focused on spirituality, but on the overeating.. There is some mention of it, but i can now wrap my head around that part in my own ways by praying or meditating in my own ways - and i really gain some perspective about the compulsive overeating and dealing with my emotions - so online works much better for me, not only because of that but because it's available every 3 hours of the day and night - whereas the one here in town was just Monday nights at 7pm and Saturday mornings at 10am... Both times, i am always working and could never make it, except on rare occasions, i need something available to me more often - and so these meetings worked great.

This may sound a bit strange too, lol.. (on my part) but.. i couldn't get over the hugs that night when i attended the OA meeting.. Everyone kept coming at me with hugs, not small quick hugs, but the long hold me forever kind of hugs that i couldn't break out of their grasp, i didn't know any of these people from a hole in a wall - and i got really overwhelmed because though i love to hug - a bunch of people i don't even know is an exception - and on that night i was feeling extremely fragile and fearful , not being sure if i fit in.. actually i didn't feel like i fit in at all - but struggled to stay there and complete that meeting.. they had me read out loud from some books, which felt okay with me but the hugs felt like too much, i could have handled quick hugs maybe and welcomes but... oy, lemme go! Maybe now i would be less overwhelmed with attending those meetings, if my work hours allowed, it was all new to me and i had a lot of anger that night because letting go of my food would be difficult, practicing abstinence? How could they expect that of me ?

Now i get it and am open to trying and working on myself more everyday...it still angers me, especially my emotions... looking at foods i LOVED and binged on and realizing i will n ever put that in my mouth again - or hope not to.. i feel cheated, i feel like it's not fair, people around me get to eat what they want but i'm not allowed - because i did this to myself.. i go on feelings of feeling pathetic and worthless and all kinds of crap feelings when my anger moments arise... i have to work on finding ways around that, and dealing with my anger.. SOmething that worked great for me was exercise.. When i felt a really angry moment coming on and knew i was going to beat myself up in a bad way, i would get out and walk or work out in some way, it helped bring me positivity... if that wasn't possible, i would journal or meditate.. But there are times i got so stuck in my anger that i couldn't motivate myself to do any of these things - it's really hard to accept that not EVERYday will be a good day.. ::sigh::

At work, this is one of my most difficult places to deal with this..Feeding a resident things "i" want to be able to eat, really throws my emotions into a spin.. They say home should be the safe zone, and for the most part it is - but when i go to work i have no control over what is being fed to the residents.. So the fact i can get my hands on as many pieces of cheesecake that are left over or apple crisp or cookies or anything else of the sort - even meals is difficult.. i need to have self control which i have very little of.. So the best thing i could do was tell my co-workers.. Not all, but some... That way, if i put my hands on a piece of cheesecake, i will feel guilty if i walk away with one for me.. it's my only hope of making it through a workday.. It was NOTHING for me to grab a few of whatever i wanted and tuck away somewhere and eat it all with no one knowing.. i could still do that if i wanted to, easily... Even if people know about my eating disorder, it would be nothing for me to do it.. When we have birthday parties for the residents, the amount of food that goes through that place and that we can feast on as well is ridiculous - it's sooo soooo hard... Have i given in to temptation? a few times i have, completely embarrassing...

As well as at home - what's difficult at home is that i have teenagers who aren't always mindful of what momma is going through.. One is 18, and one is 15.. i have sat with them and told them how difficult this is for me, that i am seeking help and all about my compulsive overeating/binging and even the occasional purging...They are very understanding and do their best most days not to tempt me - but i still hear them talk about what they're going to the store for sometimes, and i still have seen them walk in here with junkfood and go to their rooms to eat with the door shut, and i have come home from work sometimes to see half eaten potato chips or half drank sodapop... i wont touch them because they've already drank out of them, but my emotions go spinning out of control and it takes everything i have in me NOT to go to the corner store which is only a few steps away from me and buy exactly what i am craving at that moment...

It's what i would do in the past , it was nothing for me to go to the corner store and buy 20 dollars with of junkfood and come home and eat it, and i would do this EVERY night for years.. It affected me in so many different ways, i became antisocial, i gained weight, my self esteem got driven into the ground, i had no ambition to get out working or help myself in any way, and i was spending money that should have went towards bills, NOT to mention had way too much junkfood on hand that the children would eat sometimes too - and i am thankful everyday right now that it's eventually turned my children against eating so much junkfood - however, i see signs of bulemia with my daughter sadly.. i've had her to the doctor and i believe we've caught it early, as we're working with her to help her learn healthy eating habits too and she's doing wonderful - i hope, i hope with all my might that she's learning the dangers from me, the emotions and the hurt and my self destructive behaviours, i share it all with them ...

One thing you mentionned Nat, that really struck a chord with me is that you are totally unconscious about the amounts you eat - *nods* me too.. i lie to myself all the time, as well as others, that was big for me - even when i first started the OA program and was in counselling - i still wasn't being 100% truthful, so now when i am truthful via people who understand this (such as here in this thread for instance) it's extremely embarrassing, the guilt i feel is difficult, so very difficult.. it's hard to want to put it here for all to read.. Even starting this thread was hard for me, it's something i had considered doing for a long time, and i kept saying to Mtn why isn't there an Eating Disorder thread, i wish someone would start one.. He searched high and low as well and then suggested i start one.. HUH? noooo! lol.. That would mean putting my stuff out there, rather than perving a thread quietly for my own benefit... But, i did it on what felt like one of my stronger days.. Am i happy for doing it? i am in the sense that between posts here in this thread as well as rep and private messages from those who wont share publicly, it's SO helpful for me to get that support - it's an extra tool for me..

i do not have a sponsor, i wrote my name on the sponsor list that night i attended the OA meeting here in town, but nothing came of that because i never went back.. i do have the list of people i can call, but i haven't.. It's scary to me to pick up that phone and call someone i don't know, i think my low self esteem makes me feel like i'm bugging someone and maybe i'm also using that as an excuse.. So making this thread was a huge step in my recovery journey, and i'm finding it easier to put it all out here, whether good days or bad days - having this support system is a tremendous thing and thank you so much for lending your story too... i sooo appreciate it!

It really does help, to know that other people understand my 'ways'.. The things i do that most people might regard as strange, for instance going to a restaurant with some of my friends because they're choosing a restaurant that are all fried foods, i will t ell them i cant.. they say you CAN sometimes, you cant totally stop or you'll want to eat it.. i try to explain and they look at me strangely.. or get togethers, i'm not strong enough for those yet, i know it's riddled with foods i cant handle being around.. i think i could if i had someone with me who knew my struggle and who could remind me to grab at the healthy things - maybe...i know my friends just don't get it.. Or how hard it is to grocery shop, i get so crazy emotional, and i look like a crazed woman having conversations with myself, or tearing up cuz i want SO much to toss that bag of doritos in my shopping cart.. i'll walk away, i'll go back, i'll walk away again..

Something i did a week ago that i'm not proud of.. i got so bent emotionally one day after gaining the 4 lbs, i started pinching my stomache, constantly all day.. my tummy was so bruised and paining by the end of the day - that was a new behaviour for me, maybe was a way for me to feel control of something, or maybe just a way to abuse myself for giving in - the guilt of giving in that day was so overwhelming.. i was very hard on myself emotionally too.. i'm still not back up to par, i'm still not motivated to exercise again, though i'm working my way back to that and it's taking everything i have to put food in my mouth at all - it was a struggle for awhile.. (starvation is another way i would punish myself if i couldn't binge or felt guilty) one extreme to another..

sabotaging myself, setting myself up for failure and then getting stuck in the guilt and reasons to abuse myself over it - vicious circle.. but one i'm stuck in often..

Thanks for being so real with me girls, and allowing me to do the same..
having a place to do this, with understanding is a wonderful tool for me..
(((((huggggz)))))

[sylvie]

sylvie, i totally understand about a parent being a trigger. Mom was my trigger. All my life she ragged me about my weight with statements like: "Nobody wants a fat ______" , "My friends all say 'Your daughter has such a pretty face. It's a shame she's so fat.' Do you know how embarassing that is for me? Their daughters are all thin and pretty and look at you!" and "I am so ashamed of you."

Eventually my middle brother joined that chorus and my parents did nothing about his ugly words. Is it any wonder that i came to equate my value/acceptance/self-worth with my weight?

BTW when i was growing up i wasn't severely overweight...maybe a few pounds but nothing more. i was very much into sports, especially softball and swimming. i'd like to blame my eating disorder on pressure from a coach but that's not the case. When i was swimming fulltime my body was muscular and tight - i was in the best physical shape of my life but that was not good enough. It was the same when i was running.

It wasn't until the mid-80s when i was at the height of my bulimarexia and destroying my health that she considered me pretty.

All i ever wanted was to be thin enough to please my Mom so she would love me and i would no longer make her ashamed or embarassed. Rejection by Mom or anyone was because i wasn't thin...and i still struggle with that though it's not as strong.

After my recovery from being so dangerously thin i became dangerously obese...also part of my bulimarexia. That confuses many people because there is this misconception that you cannot gain weight with that disorder.

Mom's death in 2007 was devastating for me. We'd worked together for over 10 years and had become very close. But it was also liberating for me. my motivation for losing weight had nothing to do with her and everything to do with me. It is also easier to overcome the desire to binge because most of the triggers are not as strong.

Counseling has been a godsend for me. Changing jobs from one city to another has helped and next month i am moving to another city which will further my healing.

Geez, i've been rambling this morning. i gotta get ready for work...

Wishing everyone here a wonderful day!

Remember to be gentle with yourself today...(f)

(((Miss Scarlett)))
thank you so much.. truly.. & for always reminding me to be gentle with myself...something i need to do more of, i know this.. ♥

i know i need more counselling, i am looking forward to the course they want me to take , it's in October but i will be in Oregon with Mtn during that time but, they said they will let me know when the next dates are, it's a 4 week course and will help with the emotions alot and my stuck ways of thinking -- hoping it helps!! After that, i will be starting a group therapy, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy - which may be of help to me too, however that one on one counselling is what i feel like i need - because when i had it, it helped so much.. Hearing what counselling does for you, makes me see how much i need that in my plan to recovery, doing this myself just isn't doable, not right now anyway.. OA helps me alot to get my feelings out, or to just listen and learn - but it's not helping with the emotions and anger so much - at least yet anyway.. i think the more tools i can have right now, the better..

i dooo understand the triggers in family very well, between my mother and my father, as well as others , they can be very harsh with words... but my mother and i have really gotten a lot closer lately, though she does tend to be judgemental at times for the most part she is proud of me and wants me well and she encourages me to keep at it.. my father on the other hand, is the opposite.. He is an alcoholic, and the last few years i had been begging him to seek help, tried to intervene and just recently have helped myself in letting go so i'm not taking that on anymore, ive known him to be an alcoholic all of my life and since childhood have been trying to hold him together and take care of him, rather than the other way around - but right now, i'm finding help for myself and this is important to me and since he's not willing to help himself - i had to let go... But now his anger is really hard to take , even yesterday he said "oh go stick your damn finger down your throat" just to be mean, because i was standing up for myself (totally unrelated to my addicton) but about something else, but he throws this stuff in there..

The other day he was at my house here, visiting a few and he got my son to go to the store for him to buy a big bottle of sodapop (he knows i quit drinking it in April and he also knows of my struggle right now).. i thought because he has an addiction that he would be more understanding of my difficult journey - but it's been the complete opposite.. Once that sodapop came in (i had no idea he sent him to the store til i seen him walking in with it) and my father would pour a glass and come right up in my face and drink it, with the sound affects and say ahhhhh that's delicious, want some? :sigh: So he sets me up to fail, constantly, he's not supportive and now it's at the point i had to tell him, if you are going to do stuff like that then dont come over - i know he's my father but seriously he can be so toxic for me at times... HE thinks i should just be strong and its no big deal, but that would be like me cracking open a bottle of whiskey and holding it to his face IF he were seeking help for himself.. He isn't though, so i guess he just doesn't get how damaging he is to me.

The comments about my weight, i get that from him too.. He knows i've lost some lbs, he is also overweight, and so he thinks nothing of making me feel like my 36 lbs lost so far was no big deal.. When i gained the 4 lbs, he laughed at me.. (how he found out ive NO clue) i work with my stepmother at the nursing home so i gather somewhere along the way it got to her who shared with him. BUT, he has always been harsh on me, namecalling and discouraging and setting me up for failure.. Those triggers send me reeling in that vicious circle, i want to grab the food and stuff my face with things i shouldn't as a big EFF YOU to him... Yet, that would just make him happy, if i think of it realistically, its what he wants.. Succeeding is what will truly work, and be best for me.. So i work harder, even after my down days..

i have many other triggers too, journalling helps some.. counselling definitely helped too...i think i will purchase some books mentionned in this thread as well...

i also understand some on the bulemarexia and being overweight.. When i was young, i was diagnosed with bulemia (i didnt know this til recently) but when i went for my intake at mental health, she went back in my files and told me, that i was then as well as in my early adulthood...Have i blocked this? i'm not sure, or maybe i didn't really understand, but she shared the intimate details she had of my childhood and it really surprised me.. But also helped me understand how it progressed into t his.. Here, i thought i just randomly started over 10 years ago but it wasn't the case at all, there was a sense of normal for me, it felt right and brought me peace and made me feel better, it took the pain away from r/l.

You said changing jobs helped and moving to another city would help your healing.. i often think about getting completely away from here, taking my children and just getting away from the chaos and negative people in my life and would that help me make a fresh start and get away from my triggers, the people who trigger me, situations that trigger me and places that trigger me.. it wouldnt help me escape my memories but, it's always been a thought of mine, just escaping it all.. i think though, realistically, right now what is important is doing the hard work, and finding ways to deal with the emotions, the temptations, finding things that work for me and developing a pattern for myself that will work for me overall to get some control on this.. Am i right? Running away right now probably won't help me, i'm too self destructive...So i cant rely on moving or anything to cure me, that's not realistic , i recognize this...

i'm rambling! eh!?
xox thank you Miss Scarlett, once again!
All of you help me get such a handle on being REAL about this - that's a wonderful feeling!

[dark_crystal]

The comments about my weight, i get that from him too.. He knows i've lost some lbs, he is also overweight, and so he thinks nothing of making me feel like my 36 lbs lost so far was no big deal.. When i gained the 4 lbs, he laughed at me.. (how he found out ive NO clue) i work with my stepmother at the nursing home so i gather somewhere along the way it got to her who shared with him. BUT, he has always been harsh on me, namecalling and discouraging and setting me up for failure.. Those triggers send me reeling in that vicious circle, i want to grab the food and stuff my face with things i shouldn't as a big EFF YOU to him... Yet, that would just make him happy, if i think of it realistically, its what he wants.. Succeeding is what will truly work, and be best for me.. So i work harder, even after my down days..

<snip>

You said changing jobs helped and moving to another city would help your healing.. i often think about getting completely away from here, taking my children and just getting away from the chaos and negative people in my life and would that help me make a fresh start and get away from my triggers, the people who trigger me, situations that trigger me and places that trigger me.. it wouldnt help me escape my memories but, it's always been a thought of mine, just escaping it all.. i think though, realistically, right now what is important is doing the hard work, and finding ways to deal with the emotions, the temptations, finding things that work for me and developing a pattern for myself that will work for me overall to get some control on this.. Am i right? Running away right now probably won't help me, i'm too self destructive...So i cant rely on moving or anything to cure me, that's not realistic , i recognize this...

i would normally say "you can't run away from your problems" but in your case i think you need your parents out of your life. I believe you said in another thread that your mom was affecting your daughter's body image, and i'm sorry to be harsh but your dad just needs his heinie kicked!

You need to get a Mtn between you and them!

[dark_crystal]

good article

what full recovery from an eating disorder means (http://blogs.psychcentral.com/weightless/2011/08/what-full-recovery-from-an-eating-disorder-means/)

[sylvie]

i would normally say "you can't run away from your problems" but in your case i think you need your parents out of your life. I believe you said in another thread that your mom was affecting your daughter's body image, and i'm sorry to be harsh but your dad just needs his heinie kicked!

You need to get a Mtn between you and them!

i couldn't agree with you more dc, in fact Mtn and i had this very conversation last night - and He would love nothing more than to have that Mtn in between us.. Yes my mother does affect my daughter's body image, or she did until i talked to her when i found out, she hasn't anymore and felt bad about what she did.. but my mother did that very same thing to me through life, so i recognized it quick with my daughter..

Mtn will agree with You about my father - You arent being harsh at all, or well if you are, i know i need it.. but i definitely know what needs to be done and am actionning that, each day - more and more..

it feels great to break out of it bit by bit & i know i'm well on my way because the fact i am even recognizing what these things do to me is big for me and wanting to distance it feels healthy to me.. this is very, very 'good'..though i know he is my father, i know it's necessary for my own recovery!

thank you for that article dc, i'm on my way to check it out in a bit!
heading out for my walk right now, first ♥ hope you are having a great day!

[Miss Scarlett]

(((((sylvie))))) i'm sorry your father is so petty and cruel.

i agree with dark_crystal about putting distance between you and your father. You mentioned taking care of him since you were a child. That was never your job. He's an adult and, since you mentioned a stepmother, is married and has a wife to take care of him.

It's OK to let go of him and take care of yourself instead...heaven knows you are worth it!

[sylvie]

Today has been such a terribly emotional kinda day again..
i always think i'm strong enough to handle seeing people eat things i'm abstinent from - i put the brave face on...

and then when i'm home - i break down & am SO hard on myself..
it's so f*cking hard some days -:watereyes:
i'm calling for counselling tomorrow

[sylvie]

(((((sylvie))))) i'm sorry your father is so petty and cruel.

i agree with dark_crystal about putting distance between you and your father. You mentioned taking care of him since you were a child. That was never your job. He's an adult and, since you mentioned a stepmother, is married and has a wife to take care of him.

It's OK to let go of him and take care of yourself instead...heaven knows you are worth it!



mmmhmm, it's been a shock to her system since i've been letting go, lately.. She isn't liking that it's all on her, she was much happy to have me take care of him so she didn't have to.. i always felt a sense of duty since i've been doing it since the age of 8 years old pretty much, maybe a lil earlier.. but just lately, a lot of anger surfaced within me about his alcoholism and how much it runs my life.. i'm a single mother of two teenagers and it's been difficult to keep them, myself AND my father afloat.. Not the last time but the time before he was hospitalized, the doctor took me aside and told me flat out that what i had been doing all these years was enabling him.. i didn't see it as such, but since then and over the course of of this year, i've been seeing it more & more..

The last hospital visit not that long ago, i rushed him in (my stepmother called and asked me to) and i contemplated it and then told myself, this is it.. i'll take him, i will try getting him the help he needs and it's up to him if he takes it or not.. i will stand behind him IF he accepts the help, but if he doesn't, then i take care of me only....

he did not take the help, and both my stepmother and him make excuses why he can't do treatment.. my father doesn't work, he hasn't worked in years and years and really, he 'could' do treatment - he went to three AA meetings, and has decided that that was all he needed.. i hope it IS all he needed, but after 45 years of heavy drinking, i find it hard to believe..

Anyway, all this to say, i no longer enable him, i no longer even ASK about the drinking, none of that.. so i've walked away from that part of his life, however now i am dealing with his anger.. and i think the reason for it is because he sees me, trying to help myself and he has no desire to help himself, so he sets me up to fail...

So yes, i really do need to step away from it all, sad that i live about 2 blocks away from him, so i'm apt to bump into him here there and everywhere, but i need to stop tolerating his crap.. No bringing the no no foods in this house, and if he cant stop doing it, i wont go to HIS house.. i no longer call him, and if he calls me and he's in a mood, i tell him i have to go, and i'm not arguing with him..

He could quite very well be the biggest trigger i have right now..
Yesterday, i had a very bad day, he laughs at me, it makes me crazy.. i told the children no more sharing with him about my struggles, if he asks, tell him to ask me and shrug it off.. i have no problem telling him to quit it and leave me be..

i think the largest emotional struggle for me about letting go of my father, is that he isn't healthy whatsoever.. his heart problems, his liver function, his alcoholism, his high blood pressure, and every other little thing he takes medication for.. He just looks unhealthy, he doesn't take care of himself, eat healthy or exercise.. and i'm scared that if i push him away and something happens to him that i lose him, will i live with constant guilt for not doing it?

So now, i just go day to day, i push im out of my days and i just hope with all my might that he'll be okay the next day - and the next day and the next day - and i'm figuring ways to deal with that whole guilt thing i have going on.. a friend suggested some books to me in some email exchanges, and i think once i am finished the reads i am reading now, i just may pick a couple of those up - i know the guilt i feel isn't healthy, and that this is his problem, that i am taking on something i shouldn't.. he should be taking care of himself, as well as my stepmother, and i know that he's killing himself slowly, because that is his choice.. how does my guilt fit in there?? i have NO clue.. difficult to figure it out - because deep down, i'm seeing it's not on me..

Anyway, i know this is slightly unrelated - however it all ties in to why i am working on letting my father go so i can really stop dealing with that trigger, because it's making me crazy and making this so much more difficult for me..

So today - i need to just stop.. no more phonecalls.. no more anything... if he can't be nice, i need to let go for my own sake and sanity..

thanks for the advice and gentle push girls.. Though i already started letting go in ways, i really needed to see how toxic this parent is for my recovery... makes me sad, but i can work through sadness.. i just hope he picks himself off and DOES take care of himself from here on..

[dark_crystal]

Anyway, all this to say, i no longer enable him, i no longer even ASK about the drinking, none of that.. so i've walked away from that part of his life, however now i am dealing with his anger.. and i think the reason for it is because he sees me, trying to help myself and he has no desire to help himself, so he sets me up to fail...

So yes, i really do need to step away from it all, sad that i live about 2 blocks away from him, so i'm apt to bump into him here there and everywhere, but i need to stop tolerating his crap.. No bringing the no no foods in this house, and if he cant stop doing it, i wont go to HIS house.. i no longer call him, and if he calls me and he's in a mood, i tell him i have to go, and i'm not arguing with him..

this is a very big step- celebrate it for itself! yes, there are other steps to take, but for now, put some energy into strengthening these boundaries

have you been to ACOA meetings? They might be just as helpful as OA for you http://www.adultchildren.org/

You mentioned on Wednesday that you were calling for counseling. how did that go?

it seems like getting help is such a project! i remember my 2nd couseling session, after i had been sent home from my first with instructions to

1. see my primary Dr. for a physical to assess damage done to my body
2. find a nutritionist
3. find a psychiatrist and get on antidepressants

i came back the follwoing week, after spending innumerable hours tracking down providers and making sure my insurance covered them and getting appointments and referrals and all the rest

and told my therapist "CHEESE AND RICE! if i didn't HAVE ocd i never would have gotten through all the red tape for getting TREATED for ocd!"

[sylvie]

this is a very big step- celebrate it for itself! yes, there are other steps to take, but for now, put some energy into strengthening these boundaries

have you been to ACOA meetings? They might be just as helpful as OA for you http://www.adultchildren.org/

You mentioned on Wednesday that you were calling for counseling. how did that go?

it seems like getting help is such a project! i remember my 2nd couseling session, after i had been sent home from my first with instructions to

1. see my primary Dr. for a physical to assess damage done to my body
2. find a nutritionist
3. find a psychiatrist and get on antidepressants

i came back the follwoing week, after spending innumerable hours tracking down providers and making sure my insurance covered them and getting appointments and referrals and all the rest

and told my therapist "CHEESE AND RICE! if i didn't HAVE ocd i never would have gotten through all the red tape for getting TREATED for ocd!"

thank you dc, for checking in with me!

counselling, has gone well, not great yet.. We have a major lack of resources here when it comes to eating disorders, sadly.. i called 2 different places that offer all sorts of counselling, and not one of them deal with eating disorders at all.. one of them even being mental health. today, i tried calling the EAP program through my work, and she said we only have short term counselling (which i did earlier on in the year, had 4 sessions, which was great) but we have nothing longterm, unfortuneately..

So my only hope right now, is that i can ask my doctor for a referral to a psychologist, but that will be costly, i'm researching at work if it's covered on our healthplan.. so keeping fingers crossed that this will work out.

i have been to an ACOA meeting just once, this was well before i recognized needing help myself for my eating disorder, and you are right, it's very much helpful like OA has been for me.. in fact, at the OA meetings, we use AA books.. i can't help but wonder, though, if i attended more ACOA meetings, if i might get something different from them in order to work through my situation with my father and his alcoholism.. Even if the program and material are the same, it's the people and the sharing that could be really helpful.. Thanks for making me think of this, actually..

the passed few days have been much better, in my strength and dealing with temptations, etc.. i can have numerous great days, and then have one bad day and swear it feels like it sets me back by a week or two.. funny how that happens...

i'm really anxious to get some counselling of some sort in though, i really feel like i need it, and have not talked to my father in 4 days now.. This could be a big reason why i'm feeling stronger these days, & more capable.. No one knocking me down - i still have to work through the guilt though..

i hope you are having a great week so far (((hugggs)))

[sylvie]

PS - to those who have PM'd me & emailed me, i will be responding sooooon.. i don't have time to tonight and tomorrow i'm taking a daytrip to get some things done for my trip to Oregon, but i will sit and respond soon as i can, just didn't want you all to think i forgot about you's.. And sooo appreciate the advice, the encouragement and YOU!

(((biggest hugggs)))

[dark_crystal]

thank you dc, for checking in with me!

counselling, has gone well, not great yet.. We have a major lack of resources here when it comes to eating disorders, sadly.. i called 2 different places that offer all sorts of counselling, and not one of them deal with eating disorders at all.. one of them even being mental health. today, i tried calling the EAP program through my work, and she said we only have short term counselling (which i did earlier on in the year, had 4 sessions, which was great) but we have nothing longterm, unfortuneately..

So my only hope right now, is that i can ask my doctor for a referral to a psychologist, but that will be costly, i'm researching at work if it's covered on our healthplan.. so keeping fingers crossed that this will work out.

i have been to an ACOA meeting just once, this was well before i recognized needing help myself for my eating disorder, and you are right, it's very much helpful like OA has been for me.. in fact, at the OA meetings, we use AA books.. i can't help but wonder, though, if i attended more ACOA meetings, if i might get something different from them in order to work through my situation with my father and his alcoholism.. Even if the program and material are the same, it's the people and the sharing that could be really helpful.. Thanks for making me think of this, actually..

the passed few days have been much better, in my strength and dealing with temptations, etc.. i can have numerous great days, and then have one bad day and swear it feels like it sets me back by a week or two.. funny how that happens...

i'm really anxious to get some counselling of some sort in though, i really feel like i need it, and have not talked to my father in 4 days now.. This could be a big reason why i'm feeling stronger these days, & more capable.. No one knocking me down - i still have to work through the guilt though..

i hope you are having a great week so far (((hugggs)))

i know what you mean about counseling being hard to find. i went six sessions to EAP and i really loved that lady, but when it ran out i had to find one covered by insurance and me and that counselor didn't click AT ALL. i ended up going back to my EAP counselor and paying full price. I also had to pay full price for my nutritionist

my insurance didn't cover eating disorder at all unless i went inpatient, and having gone inpatient in high school proved so disruptive to my life that i refused it this time

i know it is hard. it seems like making the decision to recover is the hard part, but then when you try to put treatment together you find out the hard part has only just begun! {{{{sylvie}}}} hang in there!

[sylvie]

i know what you mean about counseling being hard to find. i went six sessions to EAP and i really loved that lady, but when it ran out i had to find one covered by insurance and me and that counselor didn't click AT ALL. i ended up going back to my EAP counselor and paying full price. I also had to pay full price for my nutritionist

my insurance didn't cover eating disorder at all unless i went inpatient, and having gone inpatient in high school proved so disruptive to my life that i refused it this time

i know it is hard. it seems like making the decision to recover is the hard part, but then when you try to put treatment together you find out the hard part has only just begun! {{{{sylvie}}}} hang in there!

that's what i am so scared of too, finding someone through my insurance and then us not clicking.. prior to even starting counselling, i had my mind set that i didn't want it and it wouldn't work for me, due to trying counselling in the past and it being a bad experience for me.. finally, i went to counselling through my EAP and honestly, within weeks that woman helped me work through so much of my stuff, i owe her a lot.. And after my 4 weeks, she referred me to Mental Health where i would get further counselling, or so she thought...

Sadly, they've nothing to offer counsellingwise where eating disorders are concerned, but, i am working with a dietician, going to my OA meetings and will do the different courses they're offering me.. One is called Crisis & Skills, which deals with everything from stress to being mindful to relaxation breathing, etc.. It's every Monday afternoon.. And then i will be starting another course called Craving Change, which is helpful in changing eating habits and wanting to lose weight etc.. So, even if they aren't eating disorder oriented, they have tools i can use for sure.. There are other courses available too , like self esteem and things like that which i will work on as well in time, don't want to do everything at once and overwhelm myself.. One course at a time..

i have a doctor's appt on Sept 21st, to get my test results and will ask her to refer me someplace for counselling in hopes she knows someplace else that can help, and if not, i'll break down and go through my insurance, they'll cover 80%, so that won't be too bad.. At least something!

In the meantime, i will be purchasing books that have been suggested to me, i love reading and could get a lot from that most likely too.. So making good use of my tools that 'are' available anyway!

i soooo agree with you dc, putting treatment together is one heck of a challenge.. it took so much to admit i needed the help, now that i have there isn't much out there to help.. it's one helluva scary journey to walk alone, thank goodness for the support and encouragement i get through Mtn & friends, or i'd be one lost girl...

((((((hugggggz)))))))

[sylvie]

Yesterday, i had to go on a daytrip, all by myself in a strange city..
i brought healthy snacks with me for throughout the day but when it came to lunchtime i realized i needed to make a decision where to eat - most places offer salads, but just being in the environment is hard when everything else is available and can smell the smells of grease etc..

i'm not a fastfood eater, never have been really but - since seeking help, i swear i crave everything from a fat juicy burger (and i dont even eat beef!) to pies and sweets and cake which i've never been a sweet eater either..

So, right now i just don't trust myself in any environment incase...
i walked until i found a Subway, which i know is a safe place for me, the no no smells are very minimal there, (dang their cookies always look SO good, lol) but, i did good, and drank water all day too..

Small things to celebrate but sooooo worth celebrating!

PS - just between the last post and this one, i got a call from a place i left a message for and seems they DO offer counselling for eating disorders, and i can get free sessions through work (4) and if it's something they determine i need for a longer period of time, they can apply for an extension!

How fabulous is that!? so i'm waiting for a call back! *crossing fingers*

[sylvie]

i'm a little frustrated in finding a counsellor..
i think my only route will be to pay for counselling on my own, and not through the various places we have here, because they do not offer long term counselling.. Nor will my work EAP support long term counselling, 4 sessions only - and if they think your issue is a long term one, they turn you away..

So, i have an appointment with my family doctor on the 21st, and have my fingers crossed that she can help as a last resort, and if the last resort means paying for counselling, i feel it's a must for me and i'll find a way - it is rather expensive but we have such a lack of resources, sadly..

i am taking the courses suggested, and attending meetings, as well as surrounding myself with as many tools as possible - i can do this & am trying with everything i have in me.. Because this is extremely important to me..

Heard this tonight, & liked it.. " we're not guilty for having it, but we're responsible for treating it.."

& PS - a super big thank you to all of you who have been messaging me privately, leaving reps and of course, posting in here, publicly.. i realize posting here publicly is also opening up your situation for all to see, and it takes a lot of strength and i recognize this & really appreciate it.. Because it also lends advice & help to those who read silently.. and i know they appreciate it too, so much...

((((huggggz))))

[DressyFemme]

Hi all,

I've posted on various bf sites regarding my weight loss/eating disorder journey thus far. But I wanted to post and recap a little before going into what's going on now.

I've been a COE since age 7 1/2 but it really started when I was 27 and in a dysfunctional relationship - my ex used to COE and I followed what she was doing. I went up to 185 pounds from 133 and found it very difficult to admit I was in need of recovery.

My Al-Anon sponsor led me to the rooms of OA. I remained in OA for thirteen *years*, having varied successes and failures at abstinence from binge foods (mostly relapses). I just couldn't hold onto abstinence for very long, and the resulting guilt and shame did a real number on my self-esteem. I eventually gave up on OA altogether because all I was getting was misery vs. progress. I must have relapsed hundreds of times in that time period! I also tried outpatient treatment and lots of therapy. No luck.

Last fall my best friend encouraged me to seek inpatient residential treatment for my eating disorder. From 2005 to 2008 I had went from 145 to 310 pounds and kept gaining, despite diabetes type 2, high blood pressure, high cholesterol and high liver fat levels. I was out of control and despondent.

I found a facility in the MidWest for women that met my needs (lesbian friendly, 12-step, Christian friendly) and entered treatment in May 2011. What I learned turned my world upside down! According to their dietician staff what I had been doing without knowing it was called "dieting restriction". I was introduced to the idea of intuitive normalized eating, which differs from OA in that there are no binge foods.... one eats what one wants to in limited amounts whilst listening to one's inner hunger and fullness cues with mindfulness. It's much more complicated than that (I'm following a food plan from a nutritionist), but suffice it to say once I let go physically, emotionally and spiritually, and tried it the weight started coming off.

But, more importantly, I stopped focusing on LOSING WEIGHT and started focusing instead on the issues BEHIND the eating disorder behaviors, which turned out to be family and coming out oriented. I had 10 weeks of intensive family therapy with my dad and with my partner and got a lot of things out on the table and resolved. Things continued to go well and I was discharged in late July. I don't know how much I have lost since, but I don't want to know it and there are no scales in my house.

Since coming home I've continued my efforts and joined EDA (www.eatingdisordersanonymous.org) where I am looking for a sponsor. I am feeling freer and more ME than I have in years, and I am starting an exercise regimen every other day. Happy, Joyous and Free indeed!

I've read everyone's posts. There are some incredibly brave people on this thread! Keep up the great work everybody!

Glad to be here.

Peace in Recovery,

DressyFemme

[*Anya*]

I have never identified for myself as having an eating disorder but if I am totally honest with myself, I guess do.

It has taken varied forms through the years.

As a kid, my abusive parents were strange about food. My father, a Marine, had me standing up straight and yelling at me to suck my stomach in from the time I was 7-8. We never had sweets in the house unless they had bridge parties and then I would sneak whatever they had.

When I was a teen, I always felt fatter than my girlfriends, even though at just under 5'4, I never weighed more than 115.

When I got pregnant with my 1st, I gained 40lbs. For some reason, I thought it gave me free rein to eat (I was 19). I had the baby, weighed 157. My husband would not have sex with me-told me I looked like a fat cow.

I lost 20lbs, we had sex and 21 months later after having baby number one-had baby #2.

Joined weight watchers and in 4-months, lost all the weight. Had zero trouble maintaining. Kept zero sweets in the house.

Stayed at around 120. Divorce ensued, met my ex-butch who was overweight. She started bringing sweets over all the time. Begged her not to but she never listened. I think she wanted me to get fat so other women would not want me.

I resisted for a very long time. Got up to 130. Then as I got older, it seemed like the control I had for so long got lost.

I gained, all-together around 60 lbs. I lost 50 over the last couple of years but then gained back 15. The last few months, I have made a concerted effort to get my shit together and have had a couple of backslides when I am feeling emotionally low or lonely ( the butch that liked to feed me is long gone).

I have control again. I follow no diet or plan. I keep my daily calories around 1500 or I gain. I do not eat anything over 10 grams of fat total and I buy no sweets. I just can not-whether psychological or physical, sweets trigger me to want more and more.

I want to have the sense of total control that I had over the two years that I lost 50lbs. I still need to lose these stubborn 15. It seems my body is fighting to hold on now but I am two years older and it is much harder as you age. When I was young, I could drop 5 lbs. in a week- now that I am older, it can take me a month.

I will never be 110 or 115 again. I know that. The funny thing is that I thought I was fat @ those weights so have no idea if I ever will feel thin, regardless of weight! I try now, to focus on health and to not develop any obesity-related diseases. My cholesterol is too high and my goal is to get that down.

I also try to focus on clothing sizes rather than weight. Each 10 lbs. Is another size. I never, ever admit to my clothing sizes but will do it here. I was up to sizes 22 almost 3 years ago. I can't even believe ut to write it-remember I am just under 5'4.

When I lost weight, I was in size 12. Not the 7's of my teens. When I gained the 15, I ate myself out of my 12's into 14, where I am today.
I am aiming for my 12's again.

I can't get fatter because when I lost the weight, I gave every size from 16 up to Goodwill and the vets, except for one pair each of sizes 20 and 22, to remind me of where I never want to be ever again.

Thanks for listening/reading.

[sylvie]

Thank you both for posting ♥
and for bumping this thread, i need to get posting in here myself..
It's a useful tool for me, and i'm doing well on my journey..
But with many struggles just the same - so i will be back!
i've attempted twice to respond, as well as update on my own situation..
it's with difficulty, i get emotional about this stuff - but i will!

i love that people take the time to post in this thread, i know it's not easy to put it out there, and so i completely appreciate that you do.. Because it not only helps me, but those who do read and can't post, and it's so terribly important that they've resources for help too ♥

i will be back, with thoughts soon!

[sylvie]

I have never identified for myself as having an eating disorder but if I am totally honest with myself, I guess do.

It has taken varied forms through the years.

As a kid, my abusive parents were strange about food. My father, a Marine, had me standing up straight and yelling at me to suck my stomach in from the time I was 7-8. We never had sweets in the house unless they had bridge parties and then I would sneak whatever they had.

When I was a teen, I always felt fatter than my girlfriends, even though at just under 5'4, I never weighed more than 115.

When I got pregnant with my 1st, I gained 40lbs. For some reason, I thought it gave me free rein to eat (I was 19). I had the baby, weighed 157. My husband would not have sex with me-told me I looked like a fat cow.

I lost 20lbs, we had sex and 21 months later after having baby number one-had baby #2.

Joined weight watchers and in 4-months, lost all the weight. Had zero trouble maintaining. Kept zero sweets in the house.

Stayed at around 120. Divorce ensued, met my ex-butch who was overweight. She started bringing sweets over all the time. Begged her not to but she never listened. I think she wanted me to get fat so other women would not want me.

I resisted for a very long time. Got up to 130. Then as I got older, it seemed like the control I had for so long got lost.

I gained, all-together around 60 lbs. I lost 50 over the last couple of years but then gained back 15. The last few months, I have made a concerted effort to get my shit together and have had a couple of backslides when I am feeling emotionally low or lonely ( the butch that liked to feed me is long gone).

I have control again. I follow no diet or plan. I keep my daily calories around 1500 or I gain. I do not eat anything over 10 grams of fat total and I buy no sweets. I just can not-whether psychological or physical, sweets trigger me to want more and more.

I want to have the sense of total control that I had over the two years that I lost 50lbs. I still need to lose these stubborn 15. It seems my body is fighting to hold on now but I am two years older and it is much harder as you age. When I was young, I could drop 5 lbs. in a week- now that I am older, it can take me a month.

I will never be 110 or 115 again. I know that. The funny thing is that I thought I was fat @ those weights so have no idea if I ever will feel thin, regardless of weight! I try now, to focus on health and to not develop any obesity-related diseases. My cholesterol is too high and my goal is to get that down.

I also try to focus on clothing sizes rather than weight. Each 10 lbs. Is another size. I never, ever admit to my clothing sizes but will do it here. I was up to sizes 22 almost 3 years ago. I can't even believe ut to write it-remember I am just under 5'4.

When I lost weight, I was in size 12. Not the 7's of my teens. When I gained the 15, I ate myself out of my 12's into 14, where I am today.
I am aiming for my 12's again.

I can't get fatter because when I lost the weight, I gave every size from 16 up to Goodwill and the vets, except for one pair each of sizes 20 and 22, to remind me of where I never want to be ever again.

Thanks for listening/reading.

i can relate Anya, my past is where my eating disorder began.. i didn't know this , but not too long ago, i had an intake appointment at Mental Health and looking back in my files, i was bulemic.. It's very puzzling to me, that i was bulemic even as a young child, because no one ever said anything about it to me through life.. When i brought this up with my mother, she claims she had no idea - *shrugs* But, in knowing that, everything makes complete sense to me.. i do remember my purging through teenage years, however & right through early adulthood..And on to my situation today, the binging & purging...Looking back over time, i can see the progression.

i am bulemic - that's very hard for me to say.. i usually say i'm a binger & a purger, that's easier for me.. Everyday i am dealing more & more with accepting that word, bulemia.. i still have a hard time believing it.. i find the word very overwhelming - like i have something bigger to gain control on, and it's like i'll never get there.. Same with my weight loss, i tend to lose by setting goals of 10 lbs, rather than setting a big goal of losing a whole lotta lbs.. That makes me fall off track, because i get overwhelmed like i'll never get there..

my father is an alcoholic, & my mother was caught up in her own drinking & partying along with him & friends.. As a child, i remember as early as 5 & 6 years old, having to fend for myself.. i made my own meals, i got myself ready for school days, and i learned the importance of responsibility very early in life.. At the age of 8, i had my own key to the house and stayed home alone, tending to house the best way i knew how at that age.. my meals were of course pretty basic, and early in life learned my love of quick unhealthy meals, sugary treats and junkfood.. i don't remember purging as a child, though they have it filed that i did.. But i do remember the poor eating habits developping, overeating portions, that food hangover afterwards and sadly, through life as time went on, it got worse until recently...

my parents were never supportive, i started with mild weight issues as a teenager, but fell into that negative headspace i have fought most of my life from early childhood - and when i look back to then, my teenager years, my pregnancies, past relationships, etc i realize now why i have/had so much inner stuff to get a handle on before even taking on this journey i am walking today.. Though my weight never went up & down like you, i have continued to gain through life, and am now a food & sugar addict on top of everything... i have just learned recently my food addiction is separate from my eating disorder, and so i am developping tools to work through it all appropriately.. But, digging through the past is such a must in getting myself to the right headspace to take all of this on.. Until i was ready mentally, weight loss was not an option for me.. i tried endlessly to commit to helping myself (weighloss-wise) and there was just no way.. i would lose some and gain more back..

So i definitely understand the struggle of getting oneself there mentally.. thank you so much for sharing , the more each of you share, it opens me up to sharing.. i only just recently recognized i had to do something to help myself, and only just VERY recently have admitted i need help further than helping myself, by reaching out, whether by meetings, counselling (which i STILL cant get no matter how hard i try, sighs at the lack of resources here), and will be reaching out for a sponsor soon.. But also this thread, and reaching out to friends and being vocal about this, it's very hard yet very helpful to me overall..

Thank you for sharing Anya!♥ (((hugggz)))

[sylvie]

Hi all,

I've posted on various bf sites regarding my weight loss/eating disorder journey thus far. But I wanted to post and recap a little before going into what's going on now.

I've been a COE since age 7 1/2 but it really started when I was 27 and in a dysfunctional relationship - my ex used to COE and I followed what she was doing. I went up to 185 pounds from 133 and found it very difficult to admit I was in need of recovery.

My Al-Anon sponsor led me to the rooms of OA. I remained in OA for thirteen *years*, having varied successes and failures at abstinence from binge foods (mostly relapses). I just couldn't hold onto abstinence for very long, and the resulting guilt and shame did a real number on my self-esteem. I eventually gave up on OA altogether because all I was getting was misery vs. progress. I must have relapsed hundreds of times in that time period! I also tried outpatient treatment and lots of therapy. No luck.

Last fall my best friend encouraged me to seek inpatient residential treatment for my eating disorder. From 2005 to 2008 I had went from 145 to 310 pounds and kept gaining, despite diabetes type 2, high blood pressure, high cholesterol and high liver fat levels. I was out of control and despondent.

I found a facility in the MidWest for women that met my needs (lesbian friendly, 12-step, Christian friendly) and entered treatment in May 2011. What I learned turned my world upside down! According to their dietician staff what I had been doing without knowing it was called "dieting restriction". I was introduced to the idea of intuitive normalized eating, which differs from OA in that there are no binge foods.... one eats what one wants to in limited amounts whilst listening to one's inner hunger and fullness cues with mindfulness. It's much more complicated than that (I'm following a food plan from a nutritionist), but suffice it to say once I let go physically, emotionally and spiritually, and tried it the weight started coming off.

But, more importantly, I stopped focusing on LOSING WEIGHT and started focusing instead on the issues BEHIND the eating disorder behaviors, which turned out to be family and coming out oriented. I had 10 weeks of intensive family therapy with my dad and with my partner and got a lot of things out on the table and resolved. Things continued to go well and I was discharged in late July. I don't know how much I have lost since, but I don't want to know it and there are no scales in my house.

Since coming home I've continued my efforts and joined EDA (www.eatingdisordersanonymous.org) where I am looking for a sponsor. I am feeling freer and more ME than I have in years, and I am starting an exercise regimen every other day. Happy, Joyous and Free indeed!

I've read everyone's posts. There are some incredibly brave people on this thread! Keep up the great work everybody!

Glad to be here.

Peace in Recovery,

DressyFemme

i need to say a huge thank you to you, first of all.. i really appreciate the share, and the information as well.. This journey is very new to me still, i am learning everyday new tools and i still have so many struggles to work through .. Some days are better than others - but i'm gaining knowledge and learning to accept this as it is and be as open as i can about it, because in turn being accountable is helping me to seek more help i need.. Though i've known for years and years that i ate too much, that would purge when i knew i overate, that i craved sugars and certain foods and had no control on them but i was very ignorant to the fact that i had a really BIG problem and needed help.. So, admitting my own truths, putting it out there & seeking help has been .. well..some days it's been like a breath of fresh air and other days it's overwhelming, chaotic & uncontrollable.. i feel the most fragile i have ever felt in my entire life.

my strength *then*, stemmed from my silence & hiding from everyone. (But today i realize my strength is in helping myself and being as honest as i possibly can).. i currently attend OA meetings, almost daily.. Some face to face and some online - i have not sought out a sponsor, i had a very hard time admitting i couldnt do this on my own, until a few weeks ago.. Even still, i procrastinate it.. Last night, i was in an OA meeting and one lady used her time to speak to stress on her experience of being a sponsor and how needed that part of recovery is ..Her words clicked with me - and so this will be my next goal. my struggle right now is that i know i need counselling for the eating disorder, but we have a serious lack of resources here, it's sad. The only way i can do it is by paying for each session which is costly, and as a mother of 2 teenagers who struggles , it's just not do-able.. my work benefits do not cover for this, unless my doctor could of course push for it, and she doesn't seem interested enough.. i need a new doctor, she's more about cramming as many people into her day than she is about quality time and working with her patients.. We have very few meetings for OA, i have managed to find a dietician to work with - but otherwise there is just nothing around to take advantage of.. i feel roadblocked and so i set off on a researching adventure online to find something, anything!

Your post & your journey are so motivating for me. The steps you took for yourself, wow.. i have many similarities in the things you have had to work through, and you give me so much hope, thank you for that.. Sincerely!
And thank you for posting that link, i will be visiting it today along with the ones i have for OA and researching lots more. Much, much appreciated!

[ArkansasPiscesGrrl]

[SIZE="4"]In reading some of the notes in this thread this morning (kudos and much love to all who have posted!), I could not help but notice the discussion of people's struggles in getting insurance benefits for treatment. I hope I may be able to shed a little light on the topic, and perhaps in doing so, others may decide to try to get the help that is out there!

I have been in the medical insurance and billing field for over 25 yrs. For the past 5 yrs, in fact, I have been involved with the Billing Operations for several Eating Disorder treatment facilities across the nation. I have seen huge changes in the availability of benefits , even in that short amount of time. Wonderful strides have been made in the viewpoint of benefits for mental health treatment.

One of the biggest changes is in the Federal Mandates in place for Parity in the treatment of mental health. What that means is , it is now recognized that most insurance plans in this country are now required to view certain mental health diagnosis just the SAME as they would any other medical condition. IE: if the insurance plan offers unlimited office visits for a medical diagnosis such as diabetes or allergies or whatever, they CANNOT then place a limit on office visits for a severe mental illness. No longer can they limit by days, nor on the amount of benefits being paid out.

The major diagnosises covered under the Federal Parity Laws include Anorexia and Bulimia. In some states, they also include ED NOS (Eating Disorders Not Otherwise Specified, sometimes a catch-all for the ED spectrum) The parity laws also usually cover Major Depressive Disorder, and some others.

Not all insurance plans are included in the Federal Mandates, so you should contact your plan's Member Services to see if yours does. Generally speaking, if you have an Individual plan (as opposed to a Group plan) or if your group plan (usually from an employer) is considered a small group plan of under 50 employees), it may not meet the Parity criteria. But even if it does NOT meet the criteria, many forward-thinking plans have begun to offer unlimited benefits for this help.

In any case, I urge anyone who is holding back from looking for help because of fears of whether their insurance might cover the costs, to please contact their plan. Many state insurance plans are also beginning to offer benefits for their members (Medicaid, etc). Yeah, you might have to jump through some hoops, but it is worth it! And also, there are more and more treatment options becoming available, from Inpatient and Residential, to Partial Hospitalization (usually 6-8 hrs a day), to Intensive Outpatient (usually 4-5 hrs per day) to OP. Many facilities are contracted with Medicaid or State-sponsored plans.

I am so blessed to be involved with these programs. I have helped to develop program content for 3 separate facilities, so I know the different types of therapeutic options that are out there.

On a personal note, I have dealt with my own ED behaviors since I was about 4 yrs old. My heart goes out to all who suffer the daily struggles. I know it IS a daily fight, and a daily reprieve. /SIZE]

[sylvie]

[SIZE="4"]In reading some of the notes in this thread this morning (kudos and much love to all who have posted!), I could not help but notice the discussion of people's struggles in getting insurance benefits for treatment. I hope I may be able to shed a little light on the topic, and perhaps in doing so, others may decide to try to get the help that is out there!

I have been in the medical insurance and billing field for over 25 yrs. For the past 5 yrs, in fact, I have been involved with the Billing Operations for several Eating Disorder treatment facilities across the nation. I have seen huge changes in the availability of benefits , even in that short amount of time. Wonderful strides have been made in the viewpoint of benefits for mental health treatment.

One of the biggest changes is in the Federal Mandates in place for Parity in the treatment of mental health. What that means is , it is now recognized that most insurance plans in this country are now required to view certain mental health diagnosis just the SAME as they would any other medical condition. IE: if the insurance plan offers unlimited office visits for a medical diagnosis such as diabetes or allergies or whatever, they CANNOT then place a limit on office visits for a severe mental illness. No longer can they limit by days, nor on the amount of benefits being paid out.

The major diagnosises covered under the Federal Parity Laws include Anorexia and Bulimia. In some states, they also include ED NOS (Eating Disorders Not Otherwise Specified, sometimes a catch-all for the ED spectrum) The parity laws also usually cover Major Depressive Disorder, and some others.

Not all insurance plans are included in the Federal Mandates, so you should contact your plan's Member Services to see if yours does. Generally speaking, if you have an Individual plan (as opposed to a Group plan) or if your group plan (usually from an employer) is considered a small group plan of under 50 employees), it may not meet the Parity criteria. But even if it does NOT meet the criteria, many forward-thinking plans have begun to offer unlimited benefits for this help.

In any case, I urge anyone who is holding back from looking for help because of fears of whether their insurance might cover the costs, to please contact their plan. Many state insurance plans are also beginning to offer benefits for their members (Medicaid, etc). Yeah, you might have to jump through some hoops, but it is worth it! And also, there are more and more treatment options becoming available, from Inpatient and Residential, to Partial Hospitalization (usually 6-8 hrs a day), to Intensive Outpatient (usually 4-5 hrs per day) to OP. Many facilities are contracted with Medicaid or State-sponsored plans.

I am so blessed to be involved with these programs. I have helped to develop program content for 3 separate facilities, so I know the different types of therapeutic options that are out there.

On a personal note, I have dealt with my own ED behaviors since I was about 4 yrs old. My heart goes out to all who suffer the daily struggles. I know it IS a daily fight, and a daily reprieve. /SIZE]

Thank you so much for posting this..
Although i am in Canada, and i know everything works a bit differently here..
i certainly am not giving up the fight & your post encourages me to keep trying, i know there has to be something, ANYthing somewhere for me.. i have an appt with my doctor coming soon, and i know i can get some help if she would just refer me, and i will push her on this.. She is very difficult to get to sit and listen, she's so anxious to push people out the door and bring someone else in.. i dislike that, very much. As for my health benefits through work, they only cover 4 sessions, which is SOMEthing, but just not enough.. i used my 4 sessions this year already, and when i was going it helped me so very much.. But, once my sessions ended, she referred me to Mental Health for further counselling, figuring that they had some sort of counselling program to offer..

Mental health is of no cost here, that's where i first tried but surprisingly, they have nothing at all to offer (counselling included) with eating disorders.. They do in other cities etc, just no one here where i live.. The resources here are very, very little.. Another place that does offer counselling, charges 75 dollars a session, once a week..

If i were to pay on my own, then i know i simply just could not afford it.. So right now, i'm working on a referral from my doctor, then hopefully i can either find something that will be fully covered, or maybe even if my work benefits would cover half at least.. Anything helps..

i'm not giving up, because after the week i had last week, it proved to me just how fragile i can be, and how easy i could go back to old habits.. Though i fought my way through it, it was a highly emotional week for me and i know counselling would be such a blessing right now...i have all my other tools in place and use them all daily - but i need this..

*crossing fingers*

Hope you all have an easy week this week.. ((((BIG huggggz))))

[sylvie]

i am really excited..
my Doctor isn't in this week, she's being covered by another doctor who works in the same clinic.. Which means, i get the chance to talk with another doctor, and it's one that i've seen before when my doctor was out and she's really wonderful..

This is a great thing!
my appointment is tomorrow at Noon.. =)
After the week i had last week, i feel really positive about tomorrow!

[dark_crystal]

i have noticed lately that the whole episode of my illness seems really unreal to me now, and that scares me because i am afraid if i forget how miserable it was, i run the risk of relapse

but when i think about all of the desparate things i did it's like my mind shies away from it

i thought coming to this thread and describing it would help me remember

i don't want to trigger anyone do i will type in white

this time two years ago i would have made a list of every holiday party and gathering, along with an estimate of the calories i might eat at each one

then i would add up the party calories

Then i would count the days between today and New year's and multiple the number of days by the maximum allowable amount of calories per day

then i would take the total maximum allowable calories, and subtract the party calories

then i would take what was left over and divide that by the number of non-party days. This would give me the amount of calories i could eat on non-party days

usually this number was under 500

but, if i kept under 500 on non-party days, i could eat normally at parties and no one would think i might be anorexic AND the calories would average out with the non-party days and i wouldn't gain any weight

i would print a calendar from the computer and write each day's allowed calories on it and carry the calendar with me in my purse.

at the end of each day i would write down everything i had eaten down to the last Altoid (3.33 calories each, rounded to 5 to be safe) and check it against my calendar

it was miserable!

thanks for being here {{{{eating disorders thread}}}}

[sylvie]

((((((dc))))))
i'll put my response in white as well, because while i know my own triggers, i don't know what could be considered triggers for others, and i really, really appreciate you doing that so i could be mindful of this and do it myself (and will use in the future too when talking of my own triggers..i'm learning everyday, and thankful for this thread for that reason.. This is all so new to me still and i hardly understand my own triggers and journey.. i do gain a new understanding everyday though and it's due to things like this thread, and people who share with me.. Thank you!♥

It *is* miserable... It's very hard not to get caught up in it that way, for me i obsess the calorie intake as well as my weigh ins... As for my weigh ins, i just simply cannot have a weight scale.. if i did, i would weigh myself not just daily but every moment through the day it crossed my mind.. (before i put food in my mouth and after i put food in my mouth.. thinking of putting food in my mouth, etc..) i weigh in once a week at work, the one who has the scale won't let me near her office until the following week...

Right now, while being on a weight loss journey as well, i need to keep a calorie intake to be sure i am making my calories, because i tend to want to eat less and less, because in my mind the less calories i take in, the easier it is to lose weight.. But, separating the healthy calorie intake from the obsessive, is difficult...i definitely rely on my tools each day to do this..In reality, i am setting myself up to binge later on in the day if i'm not eating appropriate well balanced meals & taking in at least 1200 calories a day.. Knowing that 1200 is the lowest i should go, some days i don't quite make 1200, but others, i am very obsessive about keeping it as low as possible, and goodness if i touch a lil over 1300 calories, sigh. i get easily frustrated with the amount of calories i have to eat, so i have this inner argument with myself everyday.. i keep using my tools each day which help me struggle through this.. i even get angry over food at times when i am putting food into me and don't want to.. Other days, i want to so much and get angry because i know it'll put me over in my calories..

Realistically, i could eat even 1500-1600 calories, and when i was binging i was taking in well over 3000+ calories a day... i could cry looking at that number, but instead i'm obsessively counting the calories each day.. so i share in what you said, and do understand.. i found myself nodding while reading your post...& if i didn't have a circle of support right now the way i do, i know i would be doing something similar and purging even, probably.. These last few weeks i've had some incidents, and went to the doctor .. i know i could easily go back to what i was doing, even after all the work i've done.. i hate that everyday is a struggle to keep myself on track and that binging & purging comes so easily to me.. i know this isn't right - but i'm still also very protective of it all and hate letting it go... small steps i gather..

Thank you for sharing, once again i know the difficulties in sharing..and am so appreciative that we have this thread & that you all do it, whether here in the thread or privately ..i am so very grateful, because the support and knowledge are so important to me, as i'm sure with all of you.. So i really, sincerely thank you..Everyday, i'm learning..

(((((((((((eating disorders thread)))))))))))

[sylvie]

i forgot to come & post here, about my Dr Appt..
As i mentioned my doctor is out for a couple of weeks and a different doctor in the clinic is seeing her patients .. i've seen her before when my doctor was out and she's really got a good bedside manner, unlike my own doctor..

When she came in, she immediately sat down and just looked at me and smiled.. Then asked what was up? If it was my own doctor, she comes in the door, shuts it and hangs on to the door knob, ready to walk back out again.. She's always stressed and impatient, it bothers me... So, when she sat down, that let me know she was willing to listen..

i explained to her what struggles i've had finding some counselling.. That i had 4 sessions through EAP (employee assistance program) through work but they only offer short term (the 4 sessions a year).. That they sent me to Mental Health, and after doing an intake with them, they said they had nothing to offer to me for eating disorders in the form of counselling, but they could offer a course on stress, proper breathing techniques, etc.. i explained that while having OA meetings i can go to, and using some of the tools i do daily, a big part of me knows i need that counselling, because the 4 sessions i had at the beginning of the year (although they werent focused on my eating disorder) were so helpful..

She said the only option i had was one place, which offers counselling for a price, and i explained that's where i was in a pickle.. While i can pay some, the prices were far too much for me, i have 2 teenagers, and one income.. She completely understood, and wrote me a referral, asking for a reduced rate, and said having a referral might also help me get some counselling through my health plan at work.. She also asked questions to find out where i am at right now with it all, my history of it and offered some comforting words... Also said to contact her if the referral didnt get me someplace, and we'd try and figure something else out..

As soon as i got home, i made the phonecall to the place she suggested.. They said no, they do not accept doctor's referrals and wanted to know why my doctor would do such a thing.. So i explained the financial difficulty, as well as why i needed counselling, and the daily struggles i have ... Suddenly, she switched gears and offered me a few sessions free, and then reduced the rate to half price, 40 dollars a session, and rather than weekly, we'll do appointments bi-weekly.. i can handle that, i'll find a way because i know i need this, and 2 appts a month is more than i get now.. i thanked her so, so much...

Also, i went to work that evening, and went to Human Resources and found out my work will offer up to 500 dollars in a 12 month period towards counselling WITH a doctor referral.. lovely, so, i did the math (and have to do so with full priced sessions i'm thinking) which will give me 6 more covered sessions before i have to start paying the reduced rate..

So, i'm so happy for this, i know i need this and i know good things come from counselling.. my first appointment is on Dec 13 ...

Lastly, the doctor also offered medication as a last resort, to help with the urges to binge & purge.. it cuts the appetite down as well.. Has anyone here had to use medication? i am trying to be open to it.. However, i get really obsessive also about putting medications into me.. i am petit mal epileptic and continually take myself off medication and work on my health naturally, and years ago i was put on depression medication and did the same thing.. And sadly, did the same with high blood pressure medication the first time i was put on it some time ago.. (i was put back on it, and took it faithfully until she told me i didn't have to anymore.. ) So, taking medication scares me, but as i said i am trying to be open to the possibility of it.. She asked me to take the names of the medication home and research them - get some comfort with what they can offer, and to try counselling for a few sessions and see how that goes first..

Lots of moving forward, i wish i could adopt this doctor as my own.. She cares!

[sylvie]

Very hard day yesterday :(
my emotions were all over the place, my behaviours were in full swing..
i started the day off really great - but then put something in my mouth i shouldn't have (i won't say what for fear of triggering someone).. And it all went downhill from there for me..

i will put this next part in white:
i started to purge about 5 mins after i'd eaten it, tried 3 times actually, and felt an overwhelming sense of guilt, and while i kept on trying, it just wasn't coming up.. At first, i felt guilty because i couldn't purge what i'd eaten.. Fact is, i haven't purged in SO long and as i started to get some sense over what i'd done, then started to ALSO feel guilty for having even resorted to that. i get very agitated, when a food is in me that i don't want there, and felt increasingly agitated when i couldn't get it out of me.. i then probably overdid it exercisewise.. i figured out how many calories i needed to burn, and then tried doubling that, just so i would maybe feel a bit better about having done so.. After pushing myself so hard, and then following up with not one but 2 meetings, i still found myself wanting to set myself up all evening to eat more, overeat portions and ahh the inner self abuse.. Not good.. Been a long while since i've had such a challenging day..

Now today, i feel a bit stronger, but i'm finding it very hard not to get those obsessive thoughts going again.. i'm trying not to super count out my calories, i'm trying not to convince myself if i don't eat meals then it'll make up for calories eaten yesterday, and i'm trying not to be overemotional and super sensitive about food.. Damn food!

i often tend to feel so lonely and scared within, regarding this disease.. Especially on days like yesterday.. There are SO many people in my life, especially at work, that simply do not want to try and understand what i go through.. For instance, we have a Christmas party coming up on the 13th, where they are ordering takeout of a certain kind, along with a dessert (wont mention them in here).. i don't feel strong enough to be in that setting this year, i had contemplated making my own healthy foods to bring along, but smells of takeout food are a definite trigger for me right now and while i might behave at that party, i'm scared i won't once i get home.. It's not fun to miss out, of course.. i don't choose to sit this one out because it'll be fun to do, i choose it right now for my own well-being until i can get some sense of myself.. It's very difficult to manage - my first priority has to be me and my health.. Of course, i get poked at and mean comments about my struggles with food, and it really makes my days challenging as well..

There is so much shame and guilt , each day with this.. i'm forever apologizing and feeling guilty and completely embarrassed with certain situations and around people.. i really need to work the steps of OA, and find myself a sponsor.. These are my goals this month, so i can start 2012 a little stronger, with more tools in my pocket and hopefully, less days like yesterday... And i start counselling on December 13.. 12 more sleeps..

*breathes*

[LeftWriteFemme]

I don't know if this has been posted here before, but I thought I would


A post from JK Rowling

Being thin. Probably not a subject that you ever expected to read about on this website, but my recent trip to London got me thinking...

It started in the car on the way to Leavesden film studios. I whiled away part of the journey reading a magazine that featured several glossy photographs of a very young woman who is either seriously ill or suffering from an eating disorder (which is, of course, the same thing); anyway, there is no other explanation for the shape of her body. She can talk about eating absolutely loads, being terribly busy and having the world's fastest metabolism until her tongue drops off (hooray! Another couple of ounces gone!), but her concave stomach, protruding ribs and stick-like arms tell a different story. This girl needs help, but, the world being what it is, they're sticking her on magazine covers instead. All this passed through my mind as I read the interview, then I threw the horrible thing aside.

But blow me down if the subject of girls and thinness didn't crop up shortly after I got out of the car. I was talking to one of the actors and, somehow or other, we got onto the subject of a girl he knows (not any of the Potter actresses – somebody from his life beyond the films) who had been dubbed 'fat' by certain charming classmates. (Could they possibly be jealous that she knows the boy in question? Surely not!)

'But,' said the actor, in honest perplexity, 'she is really not fat.'

'"Fat" is usually the first insult a girl throws at another girl when she wants to hurt her,' I said; I could remember it happening when I was at school, and witnessing it among the teenagers I used to teach. Nevertheless, I could see that to him, a well-adjusted male, it was utterly bizarre behaviour, like yelling 'thicko!' at Stephen Hawking.

His bemusement at this everyday feature of female existence reminded me how strange and sick the 'fat' insult is. I mean, is 'fat' really the worst thing a human being can be? Is 'fat' worse than 'vindictive', 'jealous', 'shallow', 'vain', 'boring' or 'cruel'? Not to me; but then, you might retort, what do I know about the pressure to be skinny? I'm not in the business of being judged on my looks, what with being a writer and earning my living by using my brain...

I went to the British Book Awards that evening. After the award ceremony I bumped into a woman I hadn't seen for nearly three years. The first thing she said to me? 'You've lost a lot of weight since the last time I saw you!'

'Well,' I said, slightly nonplussed, 'the last time you saw me I'd just had a baby.'

What I felt like saying was, 'I've produced my third child and my sixth novel since I last saw you. Aren't either of those things more important, more interesting, than my size?' But no – my waist looked smaller! Forget the kid and the book: finally, something to celebrate!

So the issue of size and women was (ha, ha) weighing on my mind as I flew home to Edinburgh the next day. Once up in the air, I opened a newspaper and my eyes fell, immediately, on an article about the pop star Pink.

Her latest single, 'Stupid Girls', is the antidote-anthem for everything I had been thinking about women and thinness. 'Stupid Girls' satirises the talking toothpicks held up to girls as role models: those celebrities whose greatest achievement is un-chipped nail polish, whose only aspiration seems to be getting photographed in a different outfit nine times a day, whose only function in the world appears to be supporting the trade in overpriced handbags and rat-sized dogs.

Maybe all this seems funny, or trivial, but it's really not. It's about what girls want to be, what they're told they should be, and how they feel about who they are. I've got two daughters who will have to make their way in this skinny-obsessed world, and it worries me, because I don't want them to be empty-headed, self-obsessed, emaciated clones; I'd rather they were independent, interesting, idealistic, kind, opinionated, original, funny – a thousand things, before 'thin'. And frankly, I'd rather they didn't give a gust of stinking chihuahua flatulence whether the woman standing next to them has fleshier knees than they do. Let my girls be Hermiones, rather than Pansy Parkinsons. Let them never be Stupid Girls. Rant over.

[dark_crystal]

-- 42% of kids in first through third grades wish they were thinner

-- 81% of 10 year olds are afraid of becoming fat

-- 51% of 9- and 10-year-old girls say they feel better about themselves when they are on a diet

-- significant numbers of normal-weight and underweight kids are also dieting: 16% of girls ages 8 to 11, and 19% of girls ages 12 to 15.

CNN: "The scary trend of tweens with anorexia" (http://www.cnn.com/2011/HEALTH/08/08/tweens.anorexia.parenting/index.html?iref=allsearch)

[sylvie]

Hard day for me yesterday.
In the morning, i had an appointment with my Dietician. She is fantastic, and knows her stuff surrounding eating disorders.. In January, we start a 10 step program on Intuitive Eating..It will help me with recognizing hunger vs cravings, help me start on making peace with food, coping with emotions without using food, discovering "fullness" & "satisfaction factor" , along with other things.. We start this on Jan 5th when i go back to see her..

She feels there are things on my abstinence list which she can introduce back to me over a period of time, so i keep only my binge foods on my abstinence list and i won't be as overwhelmed..

Also, last night was my first counselling session..
i've been emotional, and i feel exhausted. i went to bed early last night and slept right through til morning, then got up and went back to bed.. Very unlike me, i love my mornings.. my head is still buzzing from it all.. Needless to say we had an intense session..

i feel so scared in all of this..i feel overwhelmed, i feel some anger, and i feel ashamed and guilty mostly...

[sylvie]

i started a 30 day Orientation Program for Newcomers to OA on Saturday..
It actually started 19 days ago, but i procrastinated it of course..
And this weekend i decided i was pushing myself to do this, so i rounded up all of the literature i had to read and with each day was a set of questions to answer about me , pertaining to the literature i just read..

It took me all weekend to get caught up with everyone else and send it all in.. SO much work, but i've learned so much already, about OA, the website, the steps, the traditions and a plan of eating.. New topic starts today, i'm on day 19 today.. At least now i can do it a day at a time , feels good to be caught up and feels great that i pushed myself to do it.. Sometimes i just need to push myself quick, if i overthink it, i procrastinate and then miss out on the chance altogether.

Once i am through with this program, i will be ready to get a sponsor, and really tackle the hard work, by working the steps and setting up a plan of eating etc.. All of this, along with counselling (my 2nd session is January 10) and then the program i start with my Dietician on Intuitive Eating on January 5... Plus the tools i do daily, (meditating, meetings, exercise, journalling, food journal, etc...) i'm starting to feel somewhat stronger and much more on track.

Of course, the hard part about all of this is i feel like i never get a day of rest.. But, it's worth it if it helps me through each day with minimal urges to binge & purge and carry on with my behaviours and obsessing.. i have real issues with putting myself out there.. i find it hard posting in this thread even at times.. Putting it out there for people to see - but it keeps me accountable right now.. It's difficult, but necessary for me..

The support & the reps & the messages & the encouragement i get from you all here , whether posting for all to see or messaging me privately is So motivating and wonderful, thank you all for being in my corner, and know that i am in your corner too.. ANYtime..♥

[sylvie]

Happy New Year...
Thought i would leave some updates, about where i am at in this New Year.
i completed the Newcomer Orientation course for Overeater's Anonymous, got my virtual chip and Graduated.. It's the first time i have literally followed through with something, without making excuses or procrastinating until it was too late..

< --- Queen of excuses at one time, lol.. (& still can be, if i'm not careful..)

i registered for the next course which is called WTS (working the steps) and i am actively seeking a Sponsor now, which i have procrastinated for so long because i know this is where the hard stuff comes in.. i feel ready, though....i think... i've convinced myself i am NOT ready many a time, but realistically, i know i am VERY ready and i need this, desperately..

i got through the holidays without touching even one bite of all the temptations around me.. At work, everyone brought in SO many Christmas treats and i was surrounded for about 3 weeks solid - i was so scared for the holidays because of that - however, i DID IT! i am so grateful for that.. i stopped exercising everyday because of all of the hours i was working, but because i ate healthy i was able to maintain my weight and not gain anymore..

*happy dancing*

my Dietician appt is day after tomorrow, which i'm quite excited about.. i start the Intuitive Eating program with her, and then on Jan 10th will be my 2nd Counselling appointment..

So big steps for me.. Programs, actively seeking a sponsor, maintaining my appointments without procrastinating or making excuses & getting through the holidays...

Today i am working on Day 3 of Abstinence - While i've probably had many Abstinent days, i didn't feel 'ready' to start counting those days... i feel quite ready, and taking it one step at a time - hoping i've got this..

~~~~~~~~~

i am working on a Personal Blog, which will be geared towards my eating disorder, addiction, healthy journey (& of course other stuff) but , once it's ready i will post the link... For me, it helps putting everything out there for all to see.. While it's difficult, and embarrassing - it's a way to keep myself accountable and really work through the hard stuff.. During all of this, i am SO very grateful for all of You who rep, who write me, who make it a point to either encourage me along or share a part of you too.. Also those of you who post here in the thread as well.. Thank you for trusting me to do so, it'll always stay with me & me only... And i'm SO here for all of you, anytime you need.. ♥ ((((((huggggz)))))))

[sylvie]

i did it.. finally!
i stopped procrastinating, and got myself a sponsor..
*breathes*

i'm an odd assortment of emotions right now..

i am scared, SO scared.. i know this is where the hard work begins, dealing with inner stuff, pain, emotions..

i am also excited, because i know that some healing and self forgiveness begins.. To think i might get myself to an easier place, or not be so hard on myself each & every day, or slow down with the obsessive behaviours.....Wow.

i am also proud of myself - because i took a step out of my comfort zone..WAY out of my comfort zone, in fact..It's why i have been procrastinating so long.. Admitting i need help is one thing, putting it all out there and holding myself accountable is another thing, but to literally do something to help myself - this feels really, really good right now..

~~~~
Also, day one of my Intuitive Eating program went well.. It's a 10 step program and Step One was "Reject the Diet Mentality" which is what i am working on this week.. It's a hard one to grasp for me, but i'm doing everything i am supposed to do & making some positive changes ... i had no idea how much i was thinking in terms of the Diet Mentality..

Lastly, my 2nd counselling session is tomorrow night... :| i can do this... i think..

[dark_crystal]

~~~~
Also, day one of my Intuitive Eating program went well.. It's a 10 step program and Step One was "Reject the Diet Mentality" which is what i am working on this week.. It's a hard one to grasp for me, but i'm doing everything i am supposed to do & making some positive changes ... i had no idea how much i was thinking in terms of the Diet Mentality...

For me this has been the most important thing! It is so hard to know if you are doing it "right" though. I had to get completely out of the calorie-counting habit, and focus on making sure I am just watching the carbs and emphasizing plants. I focus on that and I feel like I am doing it but there is always that part of me that thinks "maybe I better sit down and make a plan" and a plan is too much like a diet to be a safe thing for me to consider

[dark_crystal]

i feel bad. i just kinda went off on a coworker. He always jokes with me when he sees me eating and says things like "watch out you are going to get fat!"

That is a terrible thing to say to a recovering anorexic and could potentially be triggering to the point of relapse (and he does know i had anorexia).

It has been bothering me for a while but i didn't say anything b/c i hate confrontation

today he did it again and i didn't yell but i got that not-loud-but-obviously-agitated tone and i told him "do not say things like that! do not every talk to me about my food or my weight! you are going to give me a relapse"

he went down to his office and hasn't come back

I feel bad for getting stern with him

but what he's been doing is all kinds of dickish, right?

[*Anya*]

Yes Jenny, very, very dickish!

I am glad you set some limits with his very inappropriate behavior.

Hugs my sister,

[sylvie]

That was dickish, indeed.
It's something i struggle with often, between my father & some co-workers..
And it's difficult when the insensitive people are 'that'.. - insensitive!
Sometimes we share our struggles with others so that people we are around often, understand our limits on certain situations we face each day, but certainly doesn't give them the right to poke fun at you on any level.. i'm so sorry Jenny!

But, hopefully it will break the cycle now.. And that he'll see how it affects you when he says things like that to you.. Sometimes it's a lack of knowledge - but it had to be said..

Confrontation isn't something i'm fond of either, and i avoid it almost everytime.. but, i have to be willing to stand up for myself if i'm willing to put myself out there, i'm told.. Don't feel bad for getting stern with him Jenny.. We have to take the best care of ourselves and that's exactly what you were doing.. Be proud of you! i know i am! ((((huggggz))))

[sylvie]

i have to say, i get so mentally exhausted with all of the work sometimes..
However, there are days like today where i can breathe and know that i keep on, because i know it's paying off..

- Daily meetings..
- i also have a new sponsor, the last one didn't work out because of her lack of time..But this one is promising, i'm waiting for the 12 + 12 workbook to arrive in the mail this week to get started on working the steps..
- i am still working the Intuitive Eating program (once a week) with my Dietician.. We are on Step #3 of that - which is making peace with food and keeping the actual binge foods on my abstinence list.. Scary step for me, but working hard at it..
- my next Counselling appointment is on February 16 (which is also the date of my next Dietician appointment to start Step #4 as well)
- i am a member of some forums & email loops that put out daily questions, all recovery related and they're so helpful in helping me learn about myself, my disease and admitting those hard truths...
- Also everyday, i blog, i meditate, i have a list of things i do actually just to help me through my day and it all helps..

But, lately i feel an ease i've never felt.
- i love cooking again, this is something i've hated for years due to my anxiety over food and of course bingeing junkfoods everyday in place of my meals. So, i love that i am able to enjoy cooking again, i've missed this, greatly!
- i'm doing well with isolating.. i am putting myself out there again, welcoming family & friends back into my life (slowly), and getting out of the house and even looking forward to it sometimes, lol... HUGE step for me, seriously..And branching out and trying new things, even.. It's still extremely challenging for me, but i'm doing it in bits! Proud of myself..
- i still get a little panic going on around foods people eat that i once binged..my behaviours come out a bit, but nothing like it used to be - and that is some serious growth right there.

So, i have a 3 page long abstinence list to work with this week.. Some foods aren't binge foods, in fact most aren't... my binge foods would probably be about half of a page, maybe a little more.. SO i guess i'll start there, but having the other foods on this list was a safety net for me and it's hard to let go of that.. However i am determined to follow through and get myself in a healthier headspace about foods, so that i am not so damn overwhelmed. But it's hard, very hard..

As for numbers.. i am working on NOT obsessing the numbers still.. It was part of step one of my Intuitive Eating course.. And so i've been avoiding the calorie counting, the pedometer, and anything that pertained to logging numbers, because i get a little obsessive with adding and subtracting and figuring out how many calories i can have etc.. i kept that so hidden, until recently and it's something i've depended on doing for years - it's hard to let go of these behaviours.. They feel like something i 'need' and that i'll fight to keep.. it's hard to get it in my head how unhealthy it is.. While i hear what people say and understand, convincing myself is another thing altogether.. It's been a lot of work letting go, have i completely? Oh hell no.. But i'm still working at it, that's what counts.. So, my pedometer is locked up, weight scale is hidden and i only attempt calorie counting on days i feel i can, but i've hung up Spark People for awhile on the days i know i can't do it without throwing the numbers around..

i get a lot of inner anger with myself over these things..
This really feels like the fight of my life - FOR my life even.
& it gets very confusing separating the weight loss journey from the food addiction/ eating disorder journey.. While i know this can't be solely about the weight loss, i know the weight loss is necessary for my health, but i really do try not to obsess the weight loss either.. This is about my health, overall..

Just needed to vent a little..
Or whine, maybe... Why can't there be easy days, and days i can shut off my brain, even for a few minutes?
i really do try not to complain, i'm very grateful for the ability to have all of these programs and people who support me and help me in this journey..If it wasn't for all of these things, i wouldnt be even half the way i am today in recovery - this i know.. It's one step at a time for me, not one day at a time..

Lastly, i am SO blessed for Mr. Mtn in my life.
Truly, to have someone love me so deeply, and be SO supportive as He is of everything i am going through, and all the things i must do daily.
He gives me the push i need when i am sinking, He is always so downright honest even when it's something i don't like hearing, and He loves me, SO furiously, each and every single day & is as passionate about my recovery as i am.. (i love You Daddy♥ xox)

[dark_crystal]

As for numbers.. i am working on NOT obsessing the numbers still.. It was part of step one of my Intuitive Eating course.. And so i've been avoiding the calorie counting, the pedometer, and anything that pertained to logging numbers, because i get a little obsessive with adding and subtracting and figuring out how many calories i can have etc.. i kept that so hidden, until recently and it's something i've depended on doing for years - it's hard to let go of these behaviours..

IT IS!!!! it is a temptation for me every day. I just don't let myself get out the calculator- and since i hate math, when i try to add it up in my head it get over it real quickly

[sylvie]

IT IS!!!! it is a temptation for me every day. I just don't let myself get out the calculator- and since i hate math, when i try to add it up in my head it get over it real quickly

Oh i'm horrible with math in my head, so i agree, just putting the things away helps me to not do it.. i admit i do try and try with all my might to keep track of it all and do the math in my head but i get frustrated with that easily..

It's been really hard not getting bummed out or peeved off about the inability to keep track.. i get terribly hard on myself at times - When it's something you've done for years, it's hard to turn that off, isn't it?

[aishah]

yeah. i've been in recovery for about five years now and i still have a hard time turning the calorie tracking part of my brain off :\ it's so frustrating because the numbers are everywhere - even nowadays they're putting them on restaurant and cafe menus. it really frustrates me when i go to someplace like panera or starbucks and the calorie count is listed next to the dish.

[sylvie]

yeah. i've been in recovery for about five years now and i still have a hard time turning the calorie tracking part of my brain off :\ it's so frustrating because the numbers are everywhere - even nowadays they're putting them on restaurant and cafe menus. it really frustrates me when i go to someplace like panera or starbucks and the calorie count is listed next to the dish.


Hi Aishah! Welcome..
5 years in Recovery is wonderful! April will mark one year for me i think, need to go back and check on my blog, but a lot of ups & downs - i'm still learning, i've yet to work the steps.. Small steps, but getting there..Definitely a lot of progress in this year...and quite the way to go..

i agree, it is hard to see calories written everywhere, but i know that's something that won't change. So i'm struggling to find ways around that or change my mind somehow, it might always be a struggle.. i was looking through recipes in a book i have and was getting way caught up in the calories as well, or when i research exercises i get caught up in calories burned.. But i'm trying to stop one thing at a time, so right now, as long as i'm not hauling out my calculator or a piece of paper and doing the Math i know i'm on the right track..

(((hugggs to you)))
Thank you for sharing!

[sylvie]

Had a bit of a challenging night last night..
Worked on taking my abstinence list (which was 2 pages long) down to half a page of only the items i would binge...
And am trying to make good decisions about the foods i eat, rather than remaining abstinent from them...

While being free of a 2 page abstinence list is a wonderful thing.. the obsessing over foods i put in my mouth and then beat myself up over is making me crazy.. i get very hard on myself but i know it's necessary to do for this Intuitive Eating program i am doing.. Why is it so hard to let go of things? Because it felt like a safety net for me to have all of those foods on that list , and having myself convinced it was an absolute no-no..

So now, i need to learn to let go.. Easier said than done..

In other news, i now have a blog where i post occasionally, about this journey i am on, if anyone wants to see..
http://a-sylly-journey.blogspot.com/ ... Not just about the eating disorder, but also building my self esteem, my weight loss journey, that sort of stuff..

Lastly, i finally received my 12x12 workbook, and have started working the steps.. Am on step one, intense stuff... And i've only just begun..i am working on this workbook along with my Sponsor..
No wonder my emotions are all over the place these days!
This morning i woke up, and decided i needed some 'me' time just to get myself in a better mindset about all of this.. So after my workout, i ran myself a nice hot, relaxing bubble bath, and pampered myself for almost an hour.. i meditated, i read some, and now i'm ready to go to work and take on the day , and take all of this stuff on as well..

Think i just needed to get right with myself, and a good night's sleep, a warm drink & some meditation helped last night too..

i feel recharged.. needed that!

[ScandalAndy]

This is the first time I've read this thread. I know why I was avoiding it. I am still constantly counting, always writing and calculating, and berating myself for going over my numbers. I've done nothing but gain for the past 20 years. I don't understand recovery. I know I do okay for a while, but somehow always slip back into knowing that I need to toughen up and crack down on my eating because I hate how I perceive myself. I'm feeling very anxious right now because you're all so strong and so positive, and I am too afraid to let go of my precious numbers. But I am here, and I am reading, and I am in awe of every single one of you.

[dark_crystal]

This is the first time I've read this thread. I know why I was avoiding it. I am still constantly counting, always writing and calculating, and berating myself for going over my numbers. I've done nothing but gain for the past 20 years. I don't understand recovery. I know I do okay for a while, but somehow always slip back into knowing that I need to toughen up and crack down on my eating because I hate how I perceive myself. I'm feeling very anxious right now because you're all so strong and so positive, and I am too afraid to let go of my precious numbers. But I am here, and I am reading, and I am in awe of every single one of you.

{{{{hugs}}}}
i know how it feels to think "I don't understand recovery." i knew i was in trouble for a year and a half before i sought treatment, because it just seemed impossible that any other way existed.

i will say that one thing i have learned about "toughening up and cracking down" is: letting go of that constant focus on eating less will eventually cause you to eat less. I trick myself with that whenever i start obsessing: "I need to eat less, therefore i better stop thinking about eating less." Because in my case all i really need to do is leave myself alone

[girl_dee]

This is the first time I've read this thread. I know why I was avoiding it. I am still constantly counting, always writing and calculating, and berating myself for going over my numbers. I've done nothing but gain for the past 20 years. I don't understand recovery. I know I do okay for a while, but somehow always slip back into knowing that I need to toughen up and crack down on my eating because I hate how I perceive myself. I'm feeling very anxious right now because you're all so strong and so positive, and I am too afraid to let go of my precious numbers. But I am here, and I am reading, and I am in awe of every single one of you.

(((((((((( you )))))))))

don't think that you are alone! Most of us are holding on to something.

[sylvie]

This is the first time I've read this thread. I know why I was avoiding it. I am still constantly counting, always writing and calculating, and berating myself for going over my numbers. I've done nothing but gain for the past 20 years. I don't understand recovery. I know I do okay for a while, but somehow always slip back into knowing that I need to toughen up and crack down on my eating because I hate how I perceive myself. I'm feeling very anxious right now because you're all so strong and so positive, and I am too afraid to let go of my precious numbers. But I am here, and I am reading, and I am in awe of every single one of you.

((((huge huggs))))
i know i avoided making this thread & then i finally pushed myself to.. Having done so, i rarely post in it, because i get anxious and am scared as well.. and in all honesty, i struggle with my recovery every single day still.. i still hang on to numbers, i still set myself up and i still am battling that inner bully and critic that just looooves to pick me apart and make me feel badly.. So i totally understand, and i know everyone here does as well.. You aren't alone... The reason i created this thread, was so i had a place to come at the end of a day , whether to celebrate any success or to share my challenges, because for me, sharing it helps me as much as it might help others..i didn't know if anyone would post, or not.. Hoped so, though!

After having posted in here, i have gotten alot of advice from people (who don't post publicly) as well as the people who do post publicly in this thread, and it's all been very helpful to me.. The fact you posted in here today might even feel like having taken a first step for you, i know it did for me when i did - it's so hard to put it out here for all to see, and moreso even harder to be honest with ourselves.. and that's something we all understand here.. Give yourself a pat on the back for that .

i am only in the beginning stages of Recovery myself, and i totally get the mixed emotions and confusion.. It's so easy to be hard on ourselves.. Post here anytime, & message me anytime (& i'm sure the others here as well feel the same).. The support & understanding is wonderful here.. & i know it really helps bring me some understanding, and helps me know i'm not alone, and that in itself is a huge help.. ♥

[Daddislilgrrl]

My name is Daddislilgrrl aka Lisa. I am a compulsive overeater and I have been in program for 3.5 years now. I am on steroids for lymphocytic colitis and it's been impossible for me to lose weight. However, the peace and sanity I have thanks to a strong program has saved me from myself. I no longer carry the compulsion to overeat, and I eat within my Plan of Eating. I don't believe in diets cuz frankly, they have never worked for me. I am also a gastric bypass patient who's bypass went horribly wrong.

I hope to talk to people who understand. Thanks for reading me and I would love to participate more.

Hugs and love,
Lisa

[sylvie]

Welcome Lisa ..

3.5 years, that's wonderful, good for you!
i am currently working step one of the program in the workbook and i have strong days and challenging days - i am working on a stronger plan of eating as well with my sponsor and attending meetings as often as i can. Diets never work for me either, so far the program is helping me so much, i still have a lot of self-honesty and feelings to deal with i think ..
Please do share and participate more, we'd love to hear more from you!

(((hugggs)))

[sylvie]

Damn emotional rollercoasters..

Right now, i am struggling with showing my emotions and feelings..
This week has been difficult.. In my recovery work, i shared with a group one thing about my feelings on something, and i hit send..
i couldn't get it back, people could read it, and panic set in...

i feel so overwhelmed, my character defects are so highly protected by me, i hold them close still.. i am still working on Step One in the workbook, and sometimes i feel like i am doing so good and then something happens to remind me that i still have so much to work through..

i know this isn't easy stuff..i also know it can't be rushed and i have to take it at the pace i need. (which is a very, slow.. long.. pace, apparently) or feels like it..

Guilt, i am loaded with so much guilt, about so many things.. Some of it healthy, most of it unhealthy things to feel guilt about.. So, that is why i panic when it comes to sharing my feelings.. a/i worry about what others think of me and what i say far too much and b/i have stuffed it all in since childhood and internalize , internalize, internalize..

So breaking through this well protected layer of myself has been challenging, and will continue to be challenging.. i come in here and share bits & pieces of my journey and recovery even though it feels so completely embarrassing because i know i learn from doing so as much as others might too. It keeps me accountable, and keeps me moving forward when i acknowledge the imperfections... Much as i try and try and try to do things perfectly, i am finally starting to accept i will not do things perfectly because i am NOT perfect.. And it's okay to have flaws..

So, this week is about staying positive, keeping myself afloat despite emotions with my grandmothers and family stuff, and it's about self-care.. Taking care of me, because i deserve this recovery.. It's about working through this hard stuff, remembering i am NOT alone, and keeping it real.. So, it's time to get to sharing the hard stuff, here & on my blog.. Despite my feeling so ashamed over my past choices, and patting myself on the back for the hard work i have done this passed year already..

Please know, that there are always people who care around, i am one of those people... When there are hard days, or hard weeks, shoot me a message.. i know most don't & won't post in this thread (and that's soooo very okay!) because i am overjoyed that i'm trusted enough to be there for you, in whatever way you need that.. And thank you all, for being willing to be there for me too..

i know my journey of recovery is really only just beginning..
It's scary, it's emotional - but so needed..
*takes a deep breath*
i will be sharing the good, the bad & the ugly from now on..
saying this, now makes me accountable..

Reminder to myself in reading back: Take a deep breath, you've got this.

[aishah]

dear sylvie...thank you for sharing your journey here. *hugs* i am thinking of you and sending love. speaking up and being honest (with ourselves) about our struggles is hard.

for you (or others in the thread)...has anyone worked on wrap (wellness recovery action plan) as part of their recovery process? it's something i've been working on lately since i have a really hard time with maintaining my recovery. it's a process by which you identify your wellness tools, support networks, etc. and what things are like for you when you're well and things you can do to cope when struggling.

lately i've been struggling a LOT with maintaining good habits, like eating as often as i need to, as much as i need to, eating the things that i need to. (i've been skipping meals a lot and not eating enough.) i'm not actively hurting myself but i have been falling back into bad habits and i think i got complacent and forgot how much i need to stay accountable for taking care of myself. i have also been struggling with comparing myself to others...i have several friends who are also in recovery and have been talking about daily eating habits with one lately, and her food/caloric needs are a lot different from mine, and since i need more it's been a struggle not to feel like i'm "doing it wrong." if that makes any sense.

[MissItalianDiva]

Hmm well I have been avoiding admitting this publicly and even "try" or think I am hiding this from my friends and family but I know it is no secret. I see everyone watching my food intake and hear the probing questions which doesn't help my addiction or controlling behaviors with regards to food but that is my issue and not theirs to deal with.

I have come to a point where I am ready to be done with the control food and calorie counting have over my life. I have a long history of what some might call anorexia while I still carry much denial and simply call it not being hungry or too busy to eat which is BS and I know it.

I obsess over carb and calorie counting as well as controlling the amount of fat grams I consume. I restrict all types of food especially meat and rarely eat in front of people....It is a ritual when I do eat. Everything is weighed out. Not sure how or why I got to this point but it is extremely unhealthy and I need to make this change. I have SLE and I know my eating habits are helping to hurt my overall health. I have no been in remission with my Lupus for some time now and the flares are constant.

So there it is. I despise food and am a restrictive eater that borderlines on Anorexia. Not sure where to start but just wanted to purge

[dark_crystal]

Hmm well I have been avoiding admitting this publicly and even "try" or think I am hiding this from my friends and family but I know it is no secret. I see everyone watching my food intake and hear the probing questions which doesn't help my addiction or controlling behaviors with regards to food but that is my issue and not theirs to deal with.

I have come to a point where I am ready to be done with the control food and calorie counting have over my life. I have a long history of what some might call anorexia while I still carry much denial and simply call it not being hungry or too busy to eat which is BS and I know it.

I obsess over carb and calorie counting as well as controlling the amount of fat grams I consume. I restrict all types of food especially meat and rarely eat in front of people....It is a ritual when I do eat. Everything is weighed out. Not sure how or why I got to this point but it is extremely unhealthy and I need to make this change. I have SLE and I know my eating habits are helping to hurt my overall health. I have no been in remission with my Lupus for some time now and the flares are constant.

So there it is. I despise food and am a restrictive eater that borderlines on Anorexia. Not sure where to start but just wanted to purge

Hi, Miss Diva. I just wanted to thank you for posting and congratulate you for taking a step.

I am almost two years in recovery from anorexia. One of the hardest days of my early recovery was my first nutritionist appointment

i wanted to hear "just eat, it's ok," but she gave me a meal plan that still required counting.

i didn't truly recover until i let that go. i went on a trip to Paris and just couldn't see counting calories in that situation, and when i got back i had a new love and too much going on to have the energy to put into the rituals anymore

i was really lucky that those two things happened close together like that, as they really created a big break between my old life and a new one.

i know other people can't expect to get that lucky, so this isn't advice, just a story

[Lady_Di]

I want to personally thank each and everyone of you for sharing in this thread. It is not easy to talk about.

Keep Coming Back!

ODAAT,
Di

[sylvie]

Aishah, i would love to know more about WRAP, i have support networks and wellness tools, but not familiar with WRAP, that i know of anyway..
One thing i will say, is there isn't one person that my recovery, obsessive behaviors and needs for wellness have been identical with.. Everyone is different.. What works for you, can't be wrong - only we know ourselves and what works for us.. i have a lot of similarities and share a lot of things like other compulsive eaters and bulimics, but their plan of eating can be so completely different from my own.. It's hard not to compare, it's something i do often as well.. Be easy on yourself, stop and breathe often and ask yourself questions to figure out the feelings surrounding the behavior or thoughts...What you say makes total sense though, i get it, have been there, and often still am there... Thank *YOU* for sharing here as well, keep coming back! (((hugggs)))

MissItalianDiva, thank you for posting and taking the step.. Welcome!
i can soo relate with the numbers.. Counting calories consumed, doing the math and breaking down the calories burned, figuring out the difference from meals eaten the day before, weighing my food, measuring it all out, counting the steps i walk each day, -- the list goes on... Numbers consume me, if i let it.. i am currently doing a program called intuitive eating with my dietician (for eating disorders) and it comes from a book with that exact title, and it's helped me a great deal so far.. It has helped me to work through my diet mentality and let go of things that help me obsess (like my pedometer and calorie counting websites and diet magazines etc...) That was just the first step, it gets much more in depth.. This is my first experience with a dietician/nutritionist and while i am completely stubborn and never accept things when she tells them to me (it takes me weeks of accepting them on my own time, with argument, frustration and much grrr'ing, i'm sure..) it's truly one tool i have that helps me embrace this more and motivates me to work through it.. i'm really proud of you for taking the first step, we're all here for you! Keep coming back! (((hugggs)))

Di, HI! Welcome and thank you!!
So glad you are here with us... (((huggz)))

[aishah]

missitaliandiva and di, i am so happy you are both in this thread :)

sylvie thank you for your sweet message!

wrap is a sort of workbook-style recovery thing where you devise your own plan to maintain wellness. you write down what you are like when you are well, and daily/regular actions you need to do to be well; your 'wellness toolbox,' or things that help you stay well or help you when you are struggling; your triggers; what it looks/feels like when things start breaking down (usually at this stage you can tell something's wrong but others can't); what it looks/feels like when things are getting worse and others can tell something is wrong; and your crisis plan. your crisis plan can also be sort of an advanced medical directive in some states - you can dictate who you want to help you when you are in crisis, what treatments/medications/facilities, etc. you want and don't want, and what procedures you want to be followed in case you aren't able to make decisions for yourself. you can also put together a post-crisis plan for how to transition back to "normal."

i'm not at a point now where i feel like i need a crisis plan but i'm grateful to have it to help develop one. i do really love the first parts though - i've found the daily maintenance plan/keeping track of what i need to do to stay well and what my "warning signs" are to be EXTREMELY helpful, because i find that i forget a lot of those when i'm in the middle of stress.

this is the main wrap website: http://www.mentalhealthrecovery.com/wrap/
and here are some other useful sites in case you're interested :) http://psychcentral.com/library/id239.html
http://www.mentalhealthaction.org/WellnessbrRecoverybrnbspActionPlan.aspx (the wrap part starts about halfway down the page)

[MsTinkerbelly]

In my late 20's I was completely out of control...I would binge and purge, stay out drinking all night, screw anything in pants...desperately trying to feel something, anything to take away the pain I felt from childhood sexual abuse and the attempt to prove I wasn't gay. It all culminated with me marrying my daughter's father because he was a good man and I was going to be straight even if it killed me.

Well I'm okay with the lesbian part now, and I no longer "diet" in an attempt to lose weight; I have changed my eating habits to help my heart. BUT.... I still get the urge to binge and purge if I over eat, and I weigh every single day....sometimes twice a day. I know how easy it would be to slip back into the binge purge cycle, which is why I haven't really "dieted" in 20 years. I have to be in control when I diet, and it leads me straight to the b&p to regain control if I stray from the "allowed" calorie count.

Thank you sylvie for starting this thread...as lady di says, ODAAT.

[girl_dee]

In my late 20's I was completely out of control...I would binge and purge, stay out drinking all night, screw anything in pants...desperately trying to feel something, anything to take away the pain I felt from childhood sexual abuse and the attempt to prove I wasn't gay. It all culminated with me marrying my daughter's father because he was a good man and I was going to be straight even if it killed me.

Well I'm okay with the lesbian part now, and I no longer "diet" in an attempt to lose weight; I have changed my eating habits to help my heart. BUT.... I still get the urge to binge and purge if I over eat, and I weigh every single day....sometimes twice a day. I know how easy it would be to slip back into the binge purge cycle, which is why I haven't really "dieted" in 20 years. I have to be in control when I diet, and it leads me straight to the b&p to regain control if I stray from the "allowed" calorie count.

Thank you sylvie for starting this thread...as lady di says, ODAAT.


((((((((((((( Tinkerbelly )))))))))))))) i don't think the urge ever goes away, i struggle too. it's been 20 years for me and i still struggle. The urge is there but the control is there too. Getting rid of what you eat to me is a way to unload emotionally as well and therein lies the problem.

i used to weigh in all the time and a couple of years ago the scale got taken away from me, that helped break the compulsion to stop weighing myself constantly but i thought about it every day. i am better about that now but i want to have control over that scale so i have worked on being able to have one without giving in to it.

Baby steps.

[Chancie]

I guess I'm only as sick as my secrets.

I am a compulsive overeater and a bulimic, and I have been in recovery for about 24 years.

I haven't made myself throw up in about 13 years.

I have been struggling with bingeing which does make me want to purge.

The structure of local meetings is too rigid for me and I am thinking about an outpatient rehab program.

[sylvie]

It always does my heart such good to see participation in this thread !!
You all play a huge role in not only our recovery, but the ones who don't post in here for all to see.. so thank you all for sharing such a personal side of yourselves...

A little update on me:
Everyday is still a struggle.. The desire to binge, the desire to purge.. i am convinced that never goes away.. But right now what i find increasingly difficult, is that i get overly obsessive.. About foods, definitely.. About numbers as well.. But, lately i am finding other things to get really obsessive about in order to try and get away from obsessing food..

i can completely understand how some people have gone from one addiction to another, it wouldn't be that hard at all..But lately, what i obsess the most is my recovery, believe it or not.. Everyday, i throw myself into the books, the meetings, the email support groups.. i read, i answer questions, i dig and i dig.. Which is all GOOD stuff. However, when i am balancing a household, working full time hours, running errands - putting hours and hours of recovery work in is exhausting the hell out of me.. i get emotional, i get bent and then the vicious cycle begins.. and if i don't put in so much work, i get so hard on myself.. When i get hard on myself, i obsess, when i obsess i set myself up.. And when i set myself up, my whole damn day is shot .. Because i spend that day (or many more days) trying to work through that issue, and balance everything mentioned above..

Also, my OCD has gotten much worse than it's ever been (housework, for instance....my oh my..) It's not a good thing either, i'm already a cleaning addict, but when something is out of order, unorganized or well.. if i have no control on how the house will look when i get home from work, for instance.. my whole day becomes an upset.. And i'll spend my time tidying and cleaning - but even worse, the fretting and the being hard on myself.. i have 2 teenagers, that definitely don't clean to my standards, lol.. So the house will never be as perfect as i want it, unless they aren't home and everything is how i left it..

So i'm really struggling with the obsessiveness of the disease right now.. i know i need to be easier on myself - easier said than done.. i have put some things into motion as far as the teenagers go.. They are 16 and almost 19, and it's time they help Mom out - they don't like the rules put in place and certainly aren't happy i'm sticking with it, but things have to change.. In the meantime though, i really need to work through this challenge of mine..

i still do great with using my daily tools..
i'm attending meetings daily, see my dietician and doctor regularly..
i am working the steps, in my workbook, reading literature, and working with a Sponsor also..

i do feel i've come a long way in a year, but i also know i've a long way to go.
This 'is' a lifetime commitment, and very grateful for each of you who share your journey and ESH as well.. It makes a world of difference for me to have this support, advice and some place to turn and ramble these thoughts..

~~~~~~~~

(((Chancie & MsTinkerbelly))) Welcome!
& Aishah, thank you so much for the informaion & links, so appreciated!

[dark_crystal]

Body dysphoria is freaky, ya'll

I my recovery weight stabilized last January and has been the same ever since no matter what i ate or did not eat or burned or did not burn

(set point theory is true!)

However in the last 2 months i have worn 3 different sizes of underwear. I bought some yesterday that are two sizes smaller than the ones i bought in February and one size smaller than the ones i bought in March

Why is my underwear size changing when my body is not?

Because the way i percieve my body is not related to reality!

Although it does seem to be getting closer since the sizes are going down

[sylvie]

So i've had a difficult ohhh 10-12 days or so..
But, the hard moments follow with a lesson and growth for me usually.
For that i am grateful.

i could feel myself disconnecting from my recovery, bit by bit.
Complete lack of motivation, and overwhelmed and completely exhausted..
But, the reason for that is because i set myself up to make that happen, continuously everyday..i have tools that i use daily (plan of eating, meetings, blogging, meditation, the list goes on..) Some days i am busier than others, my work shifts change each day.. And i have a tendency to pile tasks on myself and i am unrealistic about what kind of load i can handle..

When i can't handle the list of to-do's for the day, i take it out on myself.. That inner bully within resurfaces and suddenly i am creating all the excuses i need to abuse myself with food and behaviors - and it's a vicious circle.

Yesterday, i finally reconnected - and am slowly reeling myself back in.. SO hard to be honest with myself and admit that i set myself up like i do, but really i need to lose the supergirl cape and accept the fact that i'm human and can only take on so much each day..

An example:
i am a member of 6 email loops within Overeaters Anonymous, which send out writings each day sharing their experiences, and then send 3 questions .. So, 6 loops, and i fell behind for 12 days, = 72 emails of 3 questions each.. Yesterday was my day off, so i tasked myself (after doing housework, laundry, going to the gym, etc) to catch up and do those 72 emails and send them in... i started at 4pm.. By 5pm, i answered one email of 3 questions, because i'm longwinded and really dig deep when i am doing these things.. They're a great help in my recovery and learning about myself - but i was getting really overwhelmed and upset with myself that i would probably be up all night and *still* not catch up, that it would take days, and then i would be behind in *those* days too..

For the first time in my life, i made a decision that i could *not* do it, and i deleted all the emails, knowing i could not catch up, and made the decision to leave a couple of the unnecessary loops as well, and keep the important few.. So today, i start new, and i am accepting the fact that i was being unrealistic with myself and completely setting myself up to fail.. Doing so, would have allowed me to beat myself up with food & behaviors, and i simply cant move forward in my recovery that way.. If i can't do the questions, it's not the end of the world.. i never *have* to do the questions, i just expect myself to because i look forward to the growth and learning about myself and that is a great thing, but if i keep doing this i'm really not allowing myself that room to grow and learn.. And i'm holding myself back instead..

my Workbook, i'm still on Step One.. i carry it with me everywhere along with my 12x12 book.. That way, if i get spare moments at work, home or whereever i am, i can work in it.. But, it's been in my little bag for over 2 weeks, untouched.. i have been procrastinating the things that i really need to do to help me move forward,and i cling to the stuff that holds me back..

So, hard lesson & realization for me yesterday..
Today, i woke up with a few emails, don't work until 4pm..
So i am setting a realistic goal, of completing one question in that workbook, reading my literature, and completing today's questions and sending them in..

One step at a time, WHEN i have time..
And being more mindful of what i can handle each day, so i'm not setting myself up..
And not going to be hard on myself for 39 years of obsessing, behaviors and setting myself up - it's about letting go & moving forward..i will have stumbles, this i know.. but, that means more growth ahead.

[Soft*Silver]

In my 20s and 30s I was bulimorexic. It got to the point where I was throwing up 20 some times a day and also not swallowing my own spit (I read where someone else didnt do this as well). I went into counseling, and stopped the majority of it but have at times, relapsed on and off for a day or so, here and there. But after I came back from NH, after my relapse, after the feeling SO out of control and hopeless, I would indeed overeat and purge. But binging and purging in your 50s is not like binging and purging in your 20s and 30s. I went downhill physically. I was already very sick, and had a huge hiatal hernia from doing this decades ago, and now, it was life threatening. I had to have it repaired. Well, the first surgery didnt work so I had to go in the second time and this time, I had to have 3/4 of my stumach removed. I also almost died from this surgery because of blood clots and leakage.

I have dropped weight because it was essentially a gastric bypass surgery, a sleeve. Have I dropped alot of weight. Some. Not alot. But enough. I really am not obsessed with weight like I use to be in m 20s and 30s. I like the plusness of my body and the roundness of my curves. It aggravates me when people tell me my surgery didnt work, all because I didnt become a size 10. I wouldnt know what to do with myself as a size 10! I am a 16/18 and very very happy with my body.

But I still love food and use it as a drug. I am scheduled to see a dietician next week at my Drs. I am also doing therapy in general and this has helped alot. We dont focus on weight because its not a major issue. Its a symptom, now, of other things that are getting really out of control, like my daughter's influence in my life. I eat to sedate. To hide. To feel good. Even if I cant eat alot because I no longer have the vessel to put it in, I still turn to food to medicate...

[sylvie]

I have dropped weight because it was essentially a gastric bypass surgery, a sleeve. Have I dropped alot of weight. Some. Not alot. But enough. I really am not obsessed with weight like I use to be in m 20s and 30s. I like the plusness of my body and the roundness of my curves. It aggravates me when people tell me my surgery didnt work, all because I didnt become a size 10. I wouldnt know what to do with myself as a size 10! I am a 16/18 and very very happy with my body.



Welcome & good for you !!
i have grown up with a lot of body issues, and am only just starting to build some self confidence where that is concerned.. So wonderful that you are happy with your body - that's so important and it makes me gitty happy when someone (whether a size 3 or a size 26) is comfortable in their skin, confident and happy.. i was very obsessed with my weight a year ago (and every year prior to that), and it wasn't so much about being 98 lbs heavier than i am now, as much as it was about the low self esteem i had .. i am 217 lbs now, and am much more comfortable in my skin these days.. Definitely not about the weight lost as it is about getting to know myself inside and out, learning to appreciate the skin i am in and accepting and loving my imperfections. i am still trying to lose weight, but that's for health reasons, because today, i know i am beautiful, sexy and love seeing and feeling it.. And i have curves, and proud of them too.

[sylvie]

This week, i had to make a couple of changes to my POE (plan of eating)..

- Crackers ... It's been hard to admit this but i have zero control over crackers of any kind.. While i don't binge them in one sitting, i do pick at them through the day, enough so i notice the package or box all finished come the end of the day.. When i binged, i could easily have eaten 2-3 packages and not thought anything of it, and so while i'm not eating the amount i was, it's still a high amount and i could feel myself getting back to old behaviors by doing so..

i can really relate with how easy it would be to relapse.. i hear of people talking about relapsing and having to work the steps and the program all over again.. When i would eat the crackers, i would grab four and eat them but stuff another few someplace so i could grab at them easily... Then in a couple of hours, i would do the same thing.. again, then again.. sigh.. The crunch and salt of them of course help me with my potato chip cravings.. But, what i wasn't recognizing was that i continue to have these cravings, because of this behavior.. So, i've added snack crackers, soda crackers and ritz crackers to my abstinence list.. Actually, any crackers, period.. A lot of days i might be strong enough *not* to do this, but.. the fact i did, and kept myself in denial is why i had to stop..

- Also, yogurt.. the dessert selections yogurts.. a little higher in sugar, but ohhhh i only had one and spent 3 days craving some serious sugar... Back to regular flavored yogurts for me.. i just can't handle those at all..

- Lastly, back to portioning and measuring and working on *not* obsessing the numbers.. However, i know that portioning and measuring is healthy if i stay in the right mindframe about it.. When i don't measure and portion my foods, i fall off track too often with the amounts i'm eating, and my behaviors start again from the overeating..i find myself craving more, and wanting to purge more.. Everyday lately, i have been fighting off the urge to purge.. It makes me crazy when i feel i overeat and have that "food hangover" feeling, and i can't purge it.. So this is something that helps me keep that at bay..

And something else that works for me, is always.. always ..pre-planning my meals the day before..

[sylvie]

i went to a face to face meeting last night, first one in a very long time.
i usually do online meetings because there are only 2 OA meetings a week in the city i live in, and both of those meetings are times i am usually working...
Normally i get some pretty major anxiety walking into a f2f meeting - but just to show how far i've come along, i didn't have any anxiety last night.. Well okay a little bit but nothing worth mentioning..

When i created my abstinence list some time ago, i made it a super long one..And if i overate even healthy foods, for instance, i would claim that as breaking my abstinence.. i was incredibly hard on myself.. Over time, i've worked on making my abstinence list just the items i must be abstinent from.. Other things, if i choose not to eat them, is for wanting to be healthy reasons, not because i've fallen off the wagon..

i started counting my abstinence days 72 days ago.. Even though i've really been abstinent from the things on my list for a much longer time.. At the meeting last night, a woman who leads the meeting and has been a member of OA for 22 years, had a heart to heart with me.. She understands the obsessing and she understands the behaviors and sees herself in me back when she first started in OA.. Talking with her was very comforting..

She pleaded with me to acknowledge my abstinence from it's true date, and that i am deserving of that.. i don't feel deserving of it for some reason *still don't* and i'm having a very hard time swallowing the fact that i have been abstinent for one year.. (maybe a little more, but one year for sure).. Why must i be so hard on myself? i don't know, this very moment i am typing this, i'm still shaking my head ..

They are arranging a one year celebration for me, i will get a rose and a coin and have the opportunity to share my story with everyone.. *gulp* What an honor, now it's to work on accepting that.. Today i marked on the calendar 73 days abstinent, like normal... (guess it should read 368?)

i need to work on acceptance!

~~~~~~~~~
In other news -
i am very amazed after doctor appointments, at how much damage i've done to my body over the years with the binging and the purging.. i keep finding out things that are due to my abusing my body over time, and while it doesn't surprise me, i think i am amazed that i've probably known deep down the harm i might be doing to myself, yet i continued on..

To this day, everyday is a battle *not* to purge the food i've eaten.. i struggle more with that than my recovery for compulsive eating.. And after coming down a year long journey of helping myself, and not giving in to my urge to binge and purge - one would think it gets easier at some point - it doesn't... (or hasn't..) maybe never will..

So in knowing all of this, it helps me to start accepting that i've come this far.. a year is a hell of a journey and while it's not been a perfect journey (nothing ever is) i'm learning to accept my imperfections and embracing that i have done a lot of hard work this year.. i have a long way to go, and am understanding that i could be doing this work over and over again for the rest of my life..

But, i am getting the quality of my life back.. i am smiling, i am embracing people back into my life, i am helping and inspiring people, i am improving my health and mostly - i am accepting me and the skin i am in... So this journey has brought me many positives , despite how hard it's been.. It's been worth it..

So, 368 days of abstinence..*gulp* how about that?
i'm acknowledging - that's something right?

[sylvie]

Went to another f2f meeting Monday night..
i got me an actual Sponsor and have committed to Monday night meetings every week, and have Monday evenings off which works out well.

For a long time i have had much anger over f2f meetings.. Walking into that building brought me much anxiety, and so now in finally accepting i can't do this alone i realize it's never been about the people in those meetings or the content - but it's been 'me' all along..

It's taken me a full year to fully accept that i am powerless over food and need help, & that i can't do this all on my own.. i have been stubborn in thinking i could, and continue to take my own steps, and continue to work on this and that but, i always , ALWAYS come back to where i started, because i can't climb over that hump that helps me move forward..

Frustrating, yes..
Disappointing, yes..
But, being completely honest here - it's the first time in my life i have felt some sort of understanding of what is going on with me.. It's very baffling, and these last 2 months have been a complete power struggle within myself and i've let go of my program somewhat and am now finding myself in a pickle where it would take me a mere moment to relapse if i'm not completely mindful each and every day..

So this is where i need to pick it up, dust myself off, find my priorities and get back to working hard & not just saying i'm going to..

Posting this post is holding myself accountable..

[sylvie]

Been awhile since i have posted in here, and it's for a reason.
A few months ago i started to lose motivation with my journey..
Working out less, not following my plan of eating diligently, and sadly i was continuously setting myself up a lot.

Over those few months, it got harder and harder to stay on track.
i felt like i was letting go.. And then a couple of weeks ago, it happened.
i broke my abstinence.

i really think it was necessary for that to happen. And the more i think about it, the happier i am that it happened. Sometimes hitting a rock bottom is what is needed to help us grow.. i needed some self acceptance.. i needed to admit to myself i truly 'was' powerless over food.. i was saying i was, but clearly wasn't registering that because i wasn't ever moving forward..

Frustrating, for a long while. But this week, something happened.
i had 4 days off, and i used every single one of those days to the best of my ability to physically change my recovery plan, one step at a time i broke everything down and was completely honest with myself and what i needed.

my Sponsor has been a huge help for me, along with someone else in OA that i've met.. The three of us plan a meet each week, and work the steps together outside of our face to face meeting on Monday nights. The fact i am accepting help now, admitting i cannot do this all on my own as i was doing and embracing my Spiritual guidance as well, are all big steps and knowledge that i am finally starting on the right and much needed path to recovery..

It's been a very difficult, low feeling few weeks especially.
But like usual, i find my way, find my strength and i pull myself up, dust myself off and i learn from my experiences, my thoughts and my inner boo boo's..

Progress, not perfection, right? One baby step at a time, for me.
So this passed week, i reworked my program, my abstinence list, my plan of eating.. i attended meetings, surrounded myself with the support of OA, meditated and sought guidance from my Higher Power and i now feel like i am in a much better place, and ready to keep working through the challenges bit by bit by very small bit..

i can't do this at anyone else's pace, except my own..
And i have plenty of time..

Been putting my progress on my facebook page..
As well as my YouTube channel, which i just started..
it's been very recovery focused for the first couple of videos..
But i have plans for sharing recipes, exercises and many different things that work for me for positivity & positive results.

♥ Hope you are all doing well, those who share & those who read and share with me in private.. love to you all! xx

[sylvie]

Quick update...
i've been embracing my Spiritual path and it's been such an emotional thing in this recovery journey for me. i have had much inner anger towards spirituality, and that's been much to do with my isolation, from everyone and everything for many, many years.

i have really had to take my time in exploring myself and what felt like a fit to me because it is important this comes from within and not any place else. It's something very tender and needed to be very gentle with myself and do some self-evaluating and really get to know that deep, inner struggle i've been fighting through for years within some more.

So having found a spiritual path that not only works for me, but feels like something i've embraced long, long ago.. It's much of who i am and how i've been walking for a very long time.. And it feels amazing to finally be working on not only emotional, mental and physical recovery, but now spiritual as well.

It's all coming together, and i feel myself strengthening and ready to work this as thoroughly as needed. i feel much peace within, mindful of everything around me and grateful, blessed and ready for the next step.

[aishah]

sylvie, it's so wonderful to read your journey here.

i've been struggling a lot the last few months and i started dbt therapy a couple of weeks ago which has been helping somewhat...i have someone to keep me accountable for eating and i'm learning more skills to help so i don't keep falling back down the rabbit hole. i also coordinated things between my therapist and my doctor so my doctor isn't constantly doing things to trigger me a lot. and i saw a nutritionist for the first time in a few years. (just briefly but it helped.)

i've definitely been feeling a bit raw and overemotional lately though. i hate the way things seem to go in circles for me when it comes to recovery. i get complacent and i forget how much i have to consciously be engaged in this process all the time and how much i need to protect my recovery practices, self-care, etc. i feel grateful that i have many more tools now than i used to, so when i am struggling it's easier to get back on track.

[sylvie]

sylvie, it's so wonderful to read your journey here.

i've been struggling a lot the last few months and i started dbt therapy a couple of weeks ago which has been helping somewhat...i have someone to keep me accountable for eating and i'm learning more skills to help so i don't keep falling back down the rabbit hole. i also coordinated things between my therapist and my doctor so my doctor isn't constantly doing things to trigger me a lot. and i saw a nutritionist for the first time in a few years. (just briefly but it helped.)

i've definitely been feeling a bit raw and overemotional lately though. i hate the way things seem to go in circles for me when it comes to recovery. i get complacent and i forget how much i have to consciously be engaged in this process all the time and how much i need to protect my recovery practices, self-care, etc. i feel grateful that i have many more tools now than i used to, so when i am struggling it's easier to get back on track.

Hi aishah!
Sounds like you have some really great tools in place for yourself which is a positive indeed.. i , too, do therapy (which reminds me i need to rebook for therapy soon), a nutritionist and of course frequent visits with my doctor.. Along with meetings and my sponsor, everything seems to be going well.. It really takes a combination of so many things to even start getting myself to a healthy mindset, so if i am consistent about doing each of those things plus using my daily tools, i've been rocking some pretty strong days. But i can so relate to going in circles, it's like my brain shuts off the part that keeps me mindful about my recovery and what i need to keep myself safe, healthy and focused.. i definitely lose sight of all of that if i am not using all of my tools and keeping my appointments, etc..

Sometimes i do find it quite easy to get back on track as well, but sometimes, i find it extremely difficult.. Depends on the day, the situation, etc.

i am SO grateful that i have really been strong these last few weeks..
i have to say this is the longest time of being this consistent with my recovery - and i've also come to realize that there will be days we fall, but what counts is that we am getting back up and at this every single time..

How fantastic is that? Hugs to you aishah! So thankful for your post today!

[DressyFemme]

I was going to start a thread on mindful intuitive eating but then found this thread. *sits down comfortably*. I grew up the codependent daughter of a binge eating disorder narcissistic stepfather and a codependent mother with type 1 diabetes. She tried to manage his food ALL the time, and I swore I'd never be like that. At age 27 I was in a verbally abusive relationship with a soft butch incest survivor not in recovery and I kind of learned how to binge. I went up to 165 from 133 and spent the next 14 years failing at abstinence in OA, which really did a number on my self esteem. I was also getting sober in SLAA. By the end I was 316, unemployed, depressed, Adult ADHD, my mother had died of diabetes at age 59, and didn't know what to do. I saw Shadows of Hope on TV and researched rehabs across the country, and entered Timberline Knolls in Chicago in May 2011 when I came into an inheritance. Wow within 24 hours everything I knew about recovery was turned on its head. I learned about mindful intuitive eating and began my new journey. It (along with DBT) changed my life. I no longer diet and eat in moderation. I wish I could say I stayed on course but didn't because I had to end a four year friendship and relapsed. I got back on track in summer 2014 at a local outpatient and have stayed on course. I'm now 250 and my a1c is down to 5.8 from 12. I don't focus on numbers anymore and health is my goal. But most of my friends are either dieters or are having WLS. I respect their right to choose their own path but keep watching the results... I also live with my partner of 17 years who has BED, diabetes, and is permanently disabled from same. It's very hard to see her deteriorate but I love her for everything... she's my butch and my husband. I'm so so glad Sylvie started this topic as I need support and to be around others who "get it". Thanks for listening.

[dark_crystal]

I was going to start a thread on mindful intuitive eating but then found this thread. *sits down comfortably*. I grew up the codependent daughter of a binge eating disorder narcissistic stepfather and a codependent mother with type 1 diabetes. She tried to manage his food ALL the time, and I swore I'd never be like that. At age 27 I was in a verbally abusive relationship with a soft butch incest survivor not in recovery and I kind of learned how to binge. I went up to 165 from 133 and spent the next 14 years failing at abstinence in OA, which really did a number on my self esteem. I was also getting sober in SLAA. By the end I was 316, unemployed, depressed, Adult ADHD, my mother had died of diabetes at age 59, and didn't know what to do. I saw Shadows of Hope on TV and researched rehabs across the country, and entered Timberline Knolls in Chicago in May 2011 when I came into an inheritance. Wow within 24 hours everything I knew about recovery was turned on its head. I learned about mindful intuitive eating and began my new journey. It (along with DBT) changed my life. I no longer diet and eat in moderation. I wish I could say I stayed on course but didn't because I had to end a four year friendship and relapsed. I got back on track in summer 2014 at a local outpatient and have stayed on course. I'm now 250 and my a1c is down to 5.8 from 12. I don't focus on numbers anymore and health is my goal. But most of my friends are either dieters or are having WLS. I respect their right to choose their own path but keep watching the results... I also live with my partner of 17 years who has BED, diabetes, and is permanently disabled from same. It's very hard to see her deteriorate but I love her for everything... she's my butch and my husband. I'm so so glad Sylvie started this topic as I need support and to be around others who "get it". Thanks for listening.

I am glad you found this thread!

I thought the hardest part about recovery was making the decision to seek treatment, but i was wrong! That decision was challenged every day as i tried to navigate the system: there were so many obstacles and extremely limited choices-- and waiting lists.

Finding the will to persist in seeking a solution that i only halfway wanted (at that time) was a process that started over with every phone call.

So your diligence and persistence in finding the best treatment is something to be very proud of, and coming back after relapse as well

*hugs*

[Gayandgray]

Anyone here actively involved in or considering getting involved in Overeaters Anonymous??