How do I stop feeling like this?

[LediskoLove99]

So let me start out by saying I feel slightly like an idiot for even bringing this up, I don't know why but I feel like an idiot.

That being said, I'm kind of new to the whole LGBT world I only came out four years ago, and I haven't really had the chance to find who I am within everything. It wasn't until I met my best friend, (nearly four years ago) that I started realizing that there's more than one type of person in the community. There's different ways to express yourself, gender included. And so I haven't really had the chance to find my "look" I guess you could say. I don't consider myself butch but I certainly don't consider myself femme. I actually don't really know what I would consider myself. Except for what we (that being my best friend and I) came up with GEBP aka gender expression bi polar haha. I love mens everything, clothes, shoes, colagne, hats. But I do like to mix it up and add small feminine touches, like usualy I'll wear nail polish and eyeliner. On rare occasions cover up and mascara, on RARE occasions. And I've found in mixing those two I feel much more confident than I ever have. Especially with mens clothes, it added a confidence I never thought I could have. When I'm WEARING the clothes. I've noticed that when I'm in the mens section trying on stuff over my clothes (like over shirts) that I get really uncomfortable if people are around especially men. There has been times where a guy will come by while I'm looking at something and I end up hiding behind a clothes rack.

I don't know why I'm so uncomfortable, I love wearing the clothes I just don't like other people seeing me shopping for them. Like today while I was at the mens section in a department store a woman was walking by with her husband and she took a look at me and asked "Shopping for your bother?" And I responded with a nervous "Um....no." which earned me a look of distaste. And it didn't stop at her, a surprising amount of the men gave me looks too. I felt like I was standing there with a large, red, beeping sign surrounded in blinking lights that says "Girl who doesn't belong here! Girl who doesn't belong here!" hanging over me. My best friend looks like she belongs in the mens section she's comfortable with it, she even likes it when people look at her questioningly but it bugs me.

I know this is the point where I should say " I don't give a fuck what people think." to myself but it bugs me. Am I the only one who feels this way? Am I just being stupid?

I just don't like people staring at me like I'm from outerspace, especially where I live. It's very rare to find a woman shopping in the mens section for herself, and openly at that. It just makes me feel so uncomfortable.

Should I just give up on the mens section all together?

[*Anya*]

If I may reply: coming out is almost a lifelong process. First we come out to ourselves, then maybe close friends or family, then perhaps the larger world or @ our place of employment.

That you came out 4 years ago is fairly recent. I came out 30 years ago and still struggle at times with certain aspects of the process.

That said, if you are a fairly regular size, you can always buy clothing online. I almost never shop in stores any more and I am a femme! I shop online all the time. You can order anything at all and if it doesn't fit, ship it back and exchange it! All the online stores I shop at have great mens clothing: J.crew, LLBean, Nordstroms, Lands End, or even Amazon has shops or you can buy on EBay. I have found some fantastic clothes, like NotYourDaughtersJeans that cost a fortune @ Nordstroms for 1/2 price on EBay and they were brand-new!

Regardless, be kind to yourself. Self-acceptance is difficult but not impossible!

You can dress any damn way you please that makes you feel good and I bet you look awesome:):)

[macele]

hey led,

this isn't about them. this is about you. confidence will come.
you belong anywhere you want to be. and there's no game clock.

there was a time when i really struggled with the label butch.
our brains are programmed to think it's not normal.
but now, over time, i like it lol.

butch isn't one thing. not just clothing. and it's ok to wear makeup,
or any other item that most may look at as femme. this is about what
makes you comfortable. you being you.

try not to put yourself in a box. we don't have to be like melissa etheridge.
or ellen or march in a pride parade, ect ...
but we do owe it to ourselves to feel peace.

all of these things you are feeling, everyone else feels at one time
or another. and like anya says, after 30 years, she still struggles
at times. indeed, be kind to yourself. deep breath, no pressure.

thank you for posting.

[1QuirkyKiwi]

The process of exploring who you are in terms of your own unique style is very daunting - this is a path that nearly all of us have travelled before we became comfortable within ourselves and in our own style. Those people who make rude comment and give disapproving looks feel unsettled when THEIR perception and belief of what is right FOR THEM is challenged.

We each have our own lives to live and we must live it how we feel is right for ourselves. I'm with Anya and Macele in saying; be gentle with yourself.

I identify as a Femme, yet, I always wear Palazzo trousers. I feel more comfortable in trousers and enjoy the feeling of the loose, wide leg trousers floaty like a skirt as I move. It took me 20 years and a lot of wardrobe changes for me to realise that I can still feel Feminine, be gay and wear trousers.

[Gemme]

So let me start out by saying I feel slightly like an idiot for even bringing this up, I don't know why but I feel like an idiot.

That being said, I'm kind of new to the whole LGBT world I only came out four years ago, and I haven't really had the chance to find who I am within everything. It wasn't until I met my best friend, (nearly four years ago) that I started realizing that there's more than one type of person in the community. There's different ways to express yourself, gender included. And so I haven't really had the chance to find my "look" I guess you could say. I don't consider myself butch but I certainly don't consider myself femme. I actually don't really know what I would consider myself. Except for what we (that being my best friend and I) came up with GEBP aka gender expression bi polar haha. I love mens everything, clothes, shoes, colagne, hats. But I do like to mix it up and add small feminine touches, like usualy I'll wear nail polish and eyeliner. On rare occasions cover up and mascara, on RARE occasions. And I've found in mixing those two I feel much more confident than I ever have. Especially with mens clothes, it added a confidence I never thought I could have. When I'm WEARING the clothes. I've noticed that when I'm in the mens section trying on stuff over my clothes (like over shirts) that I get really uncomfortable if people are around especially men. There has been times where a guy will come by while I'm looking at something and I end up hiding behind a clothes rack.

I don't know why I'm so uncomfortable, I love wearing the clothes I just don't like other people seeing me shopping for them. Like today while I was at the mens section in a department store a woman was walking by with her husband and she took a look at me and asked "Shopping for your bother?" And I responded with a nervous "Um....no." which earned me a look of distaste. And it didn't stop at her, a surprising amount of the men gave me looks too. I felt like I was standing there with a large, red, beeping sign surrounded in blinking lights that says "Girl who doesn't belong here! Girl who doesn't belong here!" hanging over me. My best friend looks like she belongs in the mens section she's comfortable with it, she even likes it when people look at her questioningly but it bugs me.

I know this is the point where I should say " I don't give a fuck what people think." to myself but it bugs me. Am I the only one who feels this way? Am I just being stupid?

I just don't like people staring at me like I'm from outerspace, especially where I live. It's very rare to find a woman shopping in the mens section for herself, and openly at that. It just makes me feel so uncomfortable.

Should I just give up on the mens section all together?

No, don't give up on the men's clothing section all together. Lots of people don't like to shop there, or anywhere, for a lot of different reasons. My honey is one of them. He knows who he is but he just doesn't like the process of it, for a variety of reasons.

So, please don't let a couple of busybodies interfer with you coming to terms with you, your identity and self-expression.

If it makes it easier on you, if someone asks you if you're shopping for someone of the male persuassion, then lie. Lie your ass off. Ask them for suggestions, even. Say things like, "I'm shopping for my twin and we're built the same. Do you think this would look good?"

You owe them nothing, not even the truth if telling it makes you feel less than.

Find yourself and the rest will follow.

[T4Texas]

I dont think you should give up on the men's section. I think most people don't really think much about it in terms of labeling you as a queer. They probably think you ARE shopping for a brother or husband. I've worn mens clothing most of my life and generally just walk in, get what I want or drag a salesperson in to help me. You should see me at the boxer shorts rack. LOL
People will think what they will. We can't change what they think so we must embrace who we are and not be influenced by THEIR small mindedness. Of course if you feel that uncomfortable with it, as Anya stated, buying online is always a good option.

[hottprof]

If it makes it easier on you, if someone asks you if you're shopping for someone of the male persuassion, then lie. Lie your ass off. Ask them for suggestions, even. Say things like, "I'm shopping for my twin and we're built the same. Do you think this would look good?"

You owe them nothing, not even the truth if telling it makes you feel less than.

Find yourself and the rest will follow.

These are the exact words I would share with anyone. As long as you are being true to yourself, your expression and your heart. Do NOT let anyone make you feel less than yourself. It is so much easier to say than do, and embody, but just try.

Your self-expression is not a reflection of the nay say-ers. It is a reflection of you and who you will become. Fashions change and you will too. I came out almost 11 years ago, and I continue to struggle with the non-Out world and being seen. I constantly get the "well you look straight" card. I feel like saying, why thank you ... " you look and sound like an idiot."

Be you, and if that means not revealing the full truth to those who do not deserve it... so be it.

Good luck and congrats on coming out.

I am Proud of everyone on this site, for just doing that.

hp

[EnderD_503]

So let me start out by saying I feel slightly like an idiot for even bringing this up, I don't know why but I feel like an idiot.

That being said, I'm kind of new to the whole LGBT world I only came out four years ago, and I haven't really had the chance to find who I am within everything. It wasn't until I met my best friend, (nearly four years ago) that I started realizing that there's more than one type of person in the community. There's different ways to express yourself, gender included. And so I haven't really had the chance to find my "look" I guess you could say. I don't consider myself butch but I certainly don't consider myself femme. I actually don't really know what I would consider myself. Except for what we (that being my best friend and I) came up with GEBP aka gender expression bi polar haha. I love mens everything, clothes, shoes, colagne, hats. But I do like to mix it up and add small feminine touches, like usualy I'll wear nail polish and eyeliner. On rare occasions cover up and mascara, on RARE occasions. And I've found in mixing those two I feel much more confident than I ever have. Especially with mens clothes, it added a confidence I never thought I could have. When I'm WEARING the clothes. I've noticed that when I'm in the mens section trying on stuff over my clothes (like over shirts) that I get really uncomfortable if people are around especially men. There has been times where a guy will come by while I'm looking at something and I end up hiding behind a clothes rack.

I don't know why I'm so uncomfortable, I love wearing the clothes I just don't like other people seeing me shopping for them. Like today while I was at the mens section in a department store a woman was walking by with her husband and she took a look at me and asked "Shopping for your bother?" And I responded with a nervous "Um....no." which earned me a look of distaste. And it didn't stop at her, a surprising amount of the men gave me looks too. I felt like I was standing there with a large, red, beeping sign surrounded in blinking lights that says "Girl who doesn't belong here! Girl who doesn't belong here!" hanging over me. My best friend looks like she belongs in the mens section she's comfortable with it, she even likes it when people look at her questioningly but it bugs me.

I know this is the point where I should say " I don't give a fuck what people think." to myself but it bugs me. Am I the only one who feels this way? Am I just being stupid?

I just don't like people staring at me like I'm from outerspace, especially where I live. It's very rare to find a woman shopping in the mens section for herself, and openly at that. It just makes me feel so uncomfortable.

Should I just give up on the mens section all together?

Hey Ledisko,

You definitely are not alone or "strange" for feeling like you do. What you're saying here actually reminds me quite a bit of what I've heard some transwomen in particular talk about when they first try to step into the women's section of a clothing store. The "looks" they get from other women, the comments, and feeling like they've got that big red flashing light planted atop their heads. Your description of hiding behind clothing racks when people come into the section sounds pretty similar to some of the stories I've heard :p

For myself, I can sort of relate to what you're saying here, too, but instead of with the clothing section, moreso when I first started shopping for my underwear in the guy's section after high school. While I always got my clothes in the boy's/guy's section, I never really noticed any looks from people and maybe it's because I felt I was perfectly within my rights to shop there. Maybe since I'd done so even with my mum as a kid. It probably just felt like the normal thing to do, and so I wasn't hyper aware of the people around me.

It's when I started going into the guy's underwear section that I started to notice the "pervert/freak" looks thrown my way. Or maybe it's because I was more sensitive to them at first, and there is so much stigma attached to wearing underwear that others think you shouldn't be wearing. I noticed the looks less and less as time went on, though.

That makes me think that certain people will always shoot you a look if you're doing something that doesn't fit the gendered category they put you in. Whether you notice might depend on how nervous you are in the first place, or how obvious they make themselves.

As far as your own nervousness, do you think that on some level you're seeing yourself through their eyes, and seeing yourself as though you're doing something "wrong" because you aren't doing what's supposedly "appropriate" for the gender category they plopped you into? While you don't want to care what they think, maybe you still feel some form of "shame" at being different than their expectation, or maybe you just don't want to be the on that everyone looks at with that "zomg hide the children" look. That's perfectly fine and I think everyone goes through it.

It's not exactly comfortable to get that "look." Especially when you're in a room full of straight people looking at you with that disgusted look on their face. I still hate that look. But the key is to feel more comfortable with yourself. If you truly know in your own heart that there is nothing wrong with being who you are, you'll notice the looks less and less. And when you do notice them, you might feel a twinge of pride instead of shame or feeling like you wish the earth would open up and swallow you.

On a side note...that lady who asked you if you were shopping for your brother just sounds fucking creepy. Who the hell asks a stranger that kind of thing? She should mind her own business.

Good luck, and try to remind yourself that you're perfectly within your own rights to shop wherever the fuck you want :) I think you need to know that more than those assholes.

[LediskoLove99]

Thanks for all of the wonderful replies. It actually makes me feel a little stronger. No matter how nervous I feel I'm going to shop where I want and be the person I want to be whether people agree with it or not.

When you've been force fed the idea that girls shop in the girls section and guys in the guys section and they must not mix it's kind of hard to deprogram yourself. And although I could live without the looks that make me feel like I'm from another planet altogether and the occasional comment you are all right that I shouldn't let someone else's small mindedness stop me.

The way I try to keep myself from feeling too uncomfortable when I get dirty looks from men is I just keep telling myself most of them are jealous that I can pull off most of those clothes better than they can haha. And with some of the guys that I get it is true haha.

Anyway thank you everyone.

[Apocalipstic]

Do it, shop in the men's section and hold your head high. It will make you stronger and give you sexy swag that you get when you are conquering your fears!

Agree with Ender, woman asking questions about your brother was CREEPY.

Some people must just not get out much and need to mind their own bees wax.

[atomiczombie]

Thanks for all of the wonderful replies. It actually makes me feel a little stronger. No matter how nervous I feel I'm going to shop where I want and be the person I want to be whether people agree with it or not.

When you've been force fed the idea that girls shop in the girls section and guys in the guys section and they must not mix it's kind of hard to deprogram yourself. And although I could live without the looks that make me feel like I'm from another planet altogether and the occasional comment you are all right that I shouldn't let someone else's small mindedness stop me.

The way I try to keep myself from feeling too uncomfortable when I get dirty looks from men is I just keep telling myself most of them are jealous that I can pull off most of those clothes better than they can haha. And with some of the guys that I get it is true haha.
Anyway thank you everyone.

I think that the more comfortable you get with being yourself, the less what other people think will matter. That is how it was for me. I remember when I first started shopping in the mens section, I was so freaked out by other peoples reactions. I was hyper-sensitive and actually looked to see if people were staring at me. It was a function of my own sense of shame and fear that maybe I was trying to be something I didn't deserve to be. That was years and years of programing going on - internalized sexism and transphobia.

Now I have become very confident and secure about who I am and my right to express on the outside who I am on the inside. It was a process to get here. When I shop for clothes, I pay zero attention to others around me. I walk up to the counter to pay with complete confidence. I can do this because I am ok with me. Others can think what they want, but they don't matter. What matters is that *I* know who I am and I have a right to be true to myself.

I think with time, and especially being part of *this* particular community, you will feel more comfortable in your own skin. Then what others think and how they react, you will see it is *their* problem and not yours. Just don't stop shopping where you want. It is your right to do so. There is nothing wrong with *you*. You are fantastic! :)

[Midnight]

I was a little uncomfortable when I first started shopping in the mens section but now Im more excited about the clothes and ties Im finding than to take any notice of the people around me LOL. The only time Im uncomfortable now is shopping in exclusive mens shops. Its funny but its the female assistants in the shop that make me feel that I dont belong there, the men are fine and are a great help. It is getting easier though as my mind set is that its their problem not mine. Have fun shopping .... my current goal is to find some nice french cuffed shirts (at a reasonable price!), Im dying to start wearing cuff links! See, its the clothes that matter, not the people around ;)

[ruffryder]

If you're comfortable wearing men's clothing, no you shouldn't give up shopping in the men's section. I think you answered your own question..

" I don't give a fuck what people think."

Keep going there and you will get more comfortable with it as time passes!

[Slater]

It absolutely will get easier, but there will be times when it will still be uncomfortable for one reason or another. Don't beat yourself up over that. Don't tell yourself that you should be past it or whatever. It's going to happen from time to time.

The last time I shopped for a suit (which for me personally, is the hard one for various reasons -- underwear is easy), the male salesclerk pretty openly snickered at me. Initially he was on the phone with someone and he would look over at me then make some comment into the phone that I couldn't hear. After a few moments he was off the phone and female staff person came over and the two of them stood behind the counter, watching me, half-whispering to each other and cracking up. Neither of them ever spoke to me. I was humiliated and left.

This was 7 or so years ago and I would probably handle it differently now. In part I think I reacted the way I did because it was the first time I had been so openly mocked by sales staff when I was shopping for clothes and I just wasn't expecting it. Sure, I'd gotten some weird looks before, but that was the extent of it. If it were to happen now, I would be a little better prepared for it, I think. So keep that in mind too, uncomfortable situations will happen but you will get better over time at handling them.

I still don't own a suit, but I am thinking about getting one.

[Morgan]

It has taken me a long time to feel comfortable shopping in the mens department, but now I notice if I look people in the eyes and smile, they are the ones that turn away. If I appear confident, they cannot make me feel uncomfortable. I have taken my power back using this technique, and they are the ones who seem uncomfortable. NO ONE has the right to judge.....

I hope you will not change for anyone, you are perfect just the way you are.

[Nadeest]

Led,
Definitely don't give up. I had the same problem, long ago, but in the opposite corner. I was shopping for women's clothing, while living as a male. I did find, though, that the more that I was comfortable with myself, the less problems that I tended to have.
If people start making you uncomfortable, think about how they would react if you started telling them how they should be dressed. They would quickly become indignant, I'll bet. Therefore, don't worry about their opinions.

[Dominique]

I realize my piece of advice is easier said, than done. It also took me a *few* years to reach this point.

I owe nobody any explanations as to how I live my life. I stopped explaning myself years ago, and all of those pressures went away.

I'd also like to add, in someones signature line I read (paraphrasing) *Who said my life is defined by your rules*

[LaneyDoll]

When I was younger, I worked in retail in and one thing you need to remember is that a lot of non-straight people work retail. I once worked in a local Macy's and my department was responsible for covering the plus sized women's area when that staff was on break. We were taught "men come in here to shop for themselves. Should they want to try something on, you are to make sure the dressing room is clear of women and that they get absolute privacy. Their money spends just as well as everyone else's and we will not lose their business to another store."

Try to remember that most large scale stores are all about the bottom line. If someone was in my business dropping a few hundred on clothes, I wouldn't care a bit about who was handing the money to me. And, if you are a regular, the employees will always look out for you.

As for the customers, don't worry about them. I just tell myself that the haters are jealous of me ;)

:sparklyheart:

[Apocalipstic]

When I was younger, I worked in retail in and one thing you need to remember is that a lot of non-straight people work retail. I once worked in a local Macy's and my department was responsible for covering the plus sized women's area when that staff was on break. We were taught "men come in here to shop for themselves. Should they want to try something on, you are to make sure the dressing room is clear of women and that they get absolute privacy. Their money spends just as well as everyone else's and we will not lose their business to another store."

Try to remember that most large scale stores are all about the bottom line. If someone was in my business dropping a few hundred on clothes, I wouldn't care a bit about who was handing the money to me. And, if you are a regular, the employees will always look out for you.

As for the customers, don't worry about them. I just tell myself that the haters are jealous of me ;)

I worked for Dillards. Same thing. Most of the sales people, especially during the week during the day work for commission and want our business.

:sparklyheart:

I worked for Dillards. Same thing. Most of the sales people, especially during the week during the day work for commission and want our business.

[theoddz]

It absolutely will get easier, but there will be times when it will still be uncomfortable for one reason or another. Don't beat yourself up over that. Don't tell yourself that you should be past it or whatever. It's going to happen from time to time.

The last time I shopped for a suit (which for me personally, is the hard one for various reasons -- underwear is easy), the male salesclerk pretty openly snickered at me. Initially he was on the phone with someone and he would look over at me then make some comment into the phone that I couldn't hear. After a few moments he was off the phone and female staff person came over and the two of them stood behind the counter, watching me, half-whispering to each other and cracking up. Neither of them ever spoke to me. I was humiliated and left.

This was 7 or so years ago and I would probably handle it differently now. In part I think I reacted the way I did because it was the first time I had been so openly mocked by sales staff when I was shopping for clothes and I just wasn't expecting it. Sure, I'd gotten some weird looks before, but that was the extent of it. If it were to happen now, I would be a little better prepared for it, I think. So keep that in mind too, uncomfortable situations will happen but you will get better over time at handling them.

I still don't own a suit, but I am thinking about getting one.

I don't own a suit, either. :|

Pop tells me that a lot of men don't really own suits anymore. Pop says that things are a lot more informal now for most people, men and women alike. In view of this, a lot of men just use a sport coat and match it with a tie and a simple pair of trousers or even jeans. I think that's what I'm going to go for, since my lifestyle really doesn't require a suit for much. I do have a nice shirt and tie that I can wear with a pair of trousers, but my body thermostat seems to run on high clog most of the time, so a coat would be much too hot for me, most, if not all of the time. :fan:

Decide what your lifestyle is and then build your wardrobe around it and the climate. You'll be much more comfy that way.....and you won't be spending a fortune on things that you really don't need much, if at all. :winky:


~Theo~ :bouquet:

[Apocalipstic]

I don't own a suit, either. :|

Pop tells me that a lot of men don't really own suits anymore. Pop says that things are a lot more informal now for most people, men and women alike. In view of this, a lot of men just use a sport coat and match it with a tie and a simple pair of trousers or even jeans. I think that's what I'm going to go for, since my lifestyle really doesn't require a suit for much. I do have a nice shirt and tie that I can wear with a pair of trousers, but my body thermostat seems to run on high clog most of the time, so a coat would be much too hot for me, most, if not all of the time. :fan:

Decide what your lifestyle is and then build your wardrobe around it and the climate. You'll be much more comfy that way.....and you won't be spending a fortune on things that you really don't need much, if at all. :winky:


~Theo~ :bouquet:

Great point, like in Nashville, you can wear jean and a jacket to the most dressy of occasions.

[ArkansasPiscesGrrl]

When I was younger, I worked in retail in and one thing you need to remember is that a lot of non-straight people work retail. I once worked in a local Macy's and my department was responsible for covering the plus sized women's area when that staff was on break. We were taught "men come in here to shop for themselves. Should they want to try something on, you are to make sure the dressing room is clear of women and that they get absolute privacy. Their money spends just as well as everyone else's and we will not lose their business to another store."

Try to remember that most large scale stores are all about the bottom line. If someone was in my business dropping a few hundred on clothes, I wouldn't care a bit about who was handing the money to me. And, if you are a regular, the employees will always look out for you.

As for the customers, don't worry about them. I just tell myself that the haters are jealous of me ;)

:sparklyheart:

for some reason, what I keep flashing on is the scene from "Pretty Woman", where the sales clerks were really mean and snide to Julia roberts. After she went in and got all those clothes from another shop, she stopped back at the first store. Asked if they were paid from commissions. "BIG mistake!" Great line, and a great thing to remember!