Being Tactile...

[1QuirkyKiwi]

I’d like to take the Butch Hands and Femme Hands as inspiration for this thread – some have mentioned how they love to be touched by their partners and love to touch them in return...

As babies we put everything into our mouths, which is how we learned, since there are more nerve endings in the mouth than any other body area of the same size. We were hopefully given more tactile stimulation to facilitate brain development and encourage us to explore our surroundings. Hopefully as babies our parents created a tactile paradise for us by letting us play with toys and other everyday items that help us distinguish between different textures……we were cuddled…..maybe gently massaged……had our favourite blankies/soft toys, etc.

I’m a VERY tactile person by nature – next to my acute sense of smell, being touched gently and lovingly by my partner is high priority for me in a relationship – I also love to touch my partner gently and lovingly, too! I’m very artistic, loving the textures, rhythms and forms of Sculpting, using Pastels, hand embroidery and other sewing, pottery and......Ahem! My partner's body *Wink*(I take inspiration and casual guidance from the great renaissance masters on this, lol!).

I have a have a predominantly kinaesthetic learning style – when learning something, it helps for me to move around as this increases my understanding. I’m very expressive emotionally with my face and body and music is also sensory for me.

When I’m uncomfortable with a person or in a situation I can become tactile defensive (hypersensitive) very quickly. I physically (as well as emotionally) feel overwhelmed and need time alone and to take a shower to rid myself of the energy of that person(s) or situation. I’ve been told this is down to my SB - I'n sure that there are many people who have equally as overwhelmed on occassion, so, I'm not totally convinced on that, lol!

I cannot be in a relationship with a woman who IS NOT tactile – I feel straight-jacketed and sensory deprived as well as unloved, undesirable and not able to show my loe for her - that hurts deeply for me. Is being tactile a high priority for you in a relationship?

Do you feel overwhelmed by some people touching you and some situations?

Can being tactile be taken the wrong way? (Outside of the first date scenario, as that has already been discussed in the dating threads).

I respect ALL thoughts, opinions and perspectives and I hope you will, too! I’m just a curious Kiwi wanting to know, lol!

[DapperButch]

Interesting thread. I look forward to the responses and seeing how things take shape.

I would say that I am not a "touchy" person, even with my partner.

When I first entered into the LGBT community, I learned rather quickly that hugs are a must! I adapted to this, and hug whoever with no discomfort.

In my relationships, I learned to be more affectionate due to my partners wanting this. I have always liked holding hands and a kiss here and there. But, I have never been a cuddler, curling up on the couch, constant touch kind of person. This is what I have heard about from my partners.

I would definitely say that in comparison to most female bodied people I desire touch less than most.

Where this comes from I am not sure, as my family was physically affectionate in a healthy way. I wonder how much of our desire for touch (or tactile stimulation) is an inborn thing?

[Chancie]

I am a very physically afectionate person.

I cuddle and squeeze and kiss Pete and the small children in my life.

When I am hanging out with friends,

I am happy to squish next to them and laugh and chat, though

I am not very comfortable sitting close to butches other than Pete.

But I do have a very low tolerance for what I experience as being suffocated.

It might be because I have asthma, or because

I spend a lot of time with students who need a lot from me, or because

The adults in my family didn't have good boundaries about personal space.

I can't stand light touch that feels like tickling either.

Pete knows that it feels invasive and scary to me, and that

I might not be able to control a physically aggressive response.

I don't always understand myself, to tell you the truth.

[AtLast]

I am not physically demonstrative in general. Yes, I hug friends and family, but I am reserved really, overall with touching others and have my own boundaries in public. has noting to do with any kind of "moral" issues at all- it is about in charge of my own body and sharing it in all forms in the ways that I want to, including nudity (which I like in a relationship whith privacy.

I am very affectionate with lovers and a cuddler as well as someone that enjoys both giving and receiving massage. I enjoy circular soft touching on my tummy by a lover and to do the same for them if they like this. Foot massage is wonderful and a great way to calm me down when I am charged-up.

Touching while dancing with a partner that is also a lover in certain ways is simply hot to me. Like it best when it is "coded" by us and not all that evident to other people. I'm not into my sensuality or sexuality being open to the public. In fact, this is part of what I find to be the most sexually charged and heated.

I am not one to kiss deeply in public. Rather give little touches here and there or looks we understand that again, have nothing to do with anyone else.

I like to guide a date with my hand on the small of her back (if that is something she likes). And it is quite OK with me to put a hand on my knee or thigh, again, keeping it between us.

[1QuirkyKiwi]

Where this comes from I am not sure, as my family was physically affectionate in a healthy way. I wonder how much of our desire for touch (or tactile stimulation) is an inborn thing?

Some babies need to touch and being touched more than others, it's considered a basic human need, some would suggest it is as significant a need as food and shelter. So, I'd say, it's an inborn thing, yet, I could be wrong, lol!

Thank you for sharing.

[1QuirkyKiwi]

I can't stand light touch that feels like tickling either.

Pete knows that it feels invasive and scary to me, and that

I might not be able to control a physically aggressive response.


I can react in the same you do, but, with heavy handedness. With kind and appropriate touching I feel loved, appreciated, cherished, and valued as a person - it's healthier, happier, and more fulfilling in my relationship with my partner.

Thank you for sharing.

[The_Lady_Snow]

I prefer negotiated touch....

[ButchEire]

Actually, an unfortunate human experiment/situation in Russia found that ALL babies need human touch. The ones who don't receive regular touching, quite literally, die. Check out Harlow's experiments but don't check out the Russian ones unless you have a strong stomach.


Some babies need to touch and being touched more than others, it's considered a basic human need, some would suggest it is as significant a need as food and shelter. So, I'd say, it's an inborn thing, yet, I could be wrong, lol!

Thank you for sharing.

[1QuirkyKiwi]

I am not physically demonstrative in general. Yes, I hug friends and family, but I am reserved really, overall with touching others and have my own boundaries in public. has noting to do with any kind of "moral" issues at all- it is about in charge of my own body and sharing it in all forms in the ways that I want to, including nudity (which I like in a relationship whith privacy.

I am very affectionate with lovers and a cuddler as well as someone that enjoys both giving and receiving massage. I enjoy circular soft touching on my tummy by a lover and to do the same for them if they like this. Foot massage is wonderful and a great way to calm me down when I am charged-up.

Touching while dancing with a partner that is also a lover in certain ways is simply hot to me. Like it best when it is "coded" by us and not all that evident to other people. I'm not into my sensuality or sexuality being open to the public. In fact, this is part of what I find to be the most sexually charged and heated.

I am not one to kiss deeply in public. Rather give little touches here and there or looks we understand that again, have nothing to do with anyone else.

I like to guide a date with my hand on the small of her back (if that is something she likes). And it is quite OK with me to put a hand on my knee or thigh, again, keeping it between us.

Intimate coded messages between me and my partner are another way of showing love and affection. I will happily show public displays of affection, such as holding hands, knee touching and kissing (not passionate face sucking kissing - that's for our private, lol!). I will demonstrate appropriate touching with friends and family; a hug when meeting and saying goodbye, etc.

Thank you for sharing.

[1QuirkyKiwi]

Actually, an unfortunate human experiment/situation in Russia found that ALL babies need human touch. The ones who don't receive regular touching, quite literally, die. Check out Harlow's experiments but don't check out the Russian ones unless you have a strong stomach.

I have known two babies that didn't like to be touched that much - one is my close friends daughter, she absolutely hate what she calls unnecessary touching. As a teenager she dislikes crowds and large groups. She is highly sensitive to textures of fabrics as well. This is why I said Some babies. I'm a firm believer that touch is essential to all people and animals.

[*Anya*]

I am very reserved with strangers and do not feel very comfortable with PDA. never have, with males BICO (before I came out) or with females.

OK, here comes weird Anya: I have never understood the hugging strangers thing. It always makes me uncomfortable and feels awkward.

Maybe because my parents never, ever hugged me as a kid, maybe it was the strange molesting uncle but I like to be the one to initiate contact when it feels safe to do so.

With a lover, I love to touch and be touched. It makes me melt into her. Last week when the butch came to pick up the dog, I did hug her goodbye. I was so grateful she took the dog. It did feel absolutely wonderful and I even felt charges in my "nether regions". I loved it.

Maybe I am unfreezing?

The other strange thing is that I feel comfortable talking about my feelings but the touching somehow is different.

[ButchEire]

Might be a hypersensitivity to sensory input or integration disorder but this is not to imply these babies (or adults) don't like touch. Touch simply overwhelms their sensory system and they are unable to integrate the subsequent biochemical changes (eg: release of endorphins) that occur with touch. I have sensory integration disorder but have learned over many years to make sense of the changes that are elicited by the release of neurotransmitters. I never hated touch, it literally hurt, much like loud sounds. I would cower in a corner during thunderstorms, because the sound was painful in a very visceral way. I had and have no fear of thunderstorms.


I have known two babies that didn't like to be touched that much - one is my close friends daughter, she absolutely hate what she calls unnecessary touching. As a teenager she dislikes crowds and large groups. She is highly sensitive to textures of fabrics as well. This is why I said Some babies. I'm a firm believer that touch is essential to all people and animals.

[1QuirkyKiwi]

Might be a hypersensitivity to sensory input or integration disorder but this is not to imply these babies (or adults) don't like touch. Touch simply overwhelms their sensory system and they are unable to integrate the subsequent biochemical changes (eg: release of endorphins) that occur with touch. I have sensory integration disorder but have learned over many years to make sense of the changes that are elicited by the release of neurotransmitters. I never hated touch, it literally hurt, much like loud sounds. I would cower in a corner during thunderstorms, because the sound was painful in a very visceral way. I had and have no fear of thunderstorms.

With the other teenager I know, I'd say that thay hypersensitivity was a likely case, but, with my close friend's daughter it's not. She really doesn't like to be touched and will get agressive if her boundary is over stepped. She has been tested for Autism, Dyslexia, etc and appears normal. It could just be a simple case of her not being a touchy feely person.

Because of my SB, there are certain areas on my back and right leg that can feel like needles when touched - this is mostly when my back is in spasm. I have some numbness in my right foot because, again, due to my SB. When touched in a particular area of my back it's a green light for my nerves to do as they please, lol! I feel fortunate that I have a lot of sensation that allows my to enjoy my partners touch, if you know what I mean? LOL!

Thank you for sharing and offering your expperiences.

[Rockinonahigh]

Some babies need to touch and being touched more than others, it's considered a basic human need, some would suggest it is as significant a need as food and shelter. So, I'd say, it's an inborn thing, yet, I could be wrong, lol!

Thank you for sharing.


I was born very early,at 7 months and weighed 1pound 14oz...a very small preemie.Way back in 1947 theire wasnt a lot as now to do to help babies so small.I spent lots of time in the hospital even after I got up into my toddleing years for one surgery or another.Its said that at those ages we dont remember things like that...BS I can tell u its a crock full of it.Where I dont full remember it I do have vague memories and feelings of how it was,sort of like a hazy dream you cant quite see everything.I remember being poked,proded,handled,being knocked out on drugs then wakeing to horrible
pain then more of the same till I went home ..Its said we dont remember thinsg from this age,BS caues its like a foggy dream I cant quit see it all just feel the misery and not wanting to be touched anymore.Over they years I have learned how to deal with touch but there are some people,who no fault of there own,I cant stand the touch of.One of my oldest friends who has long passed was like this...give me a hug dont touch me with your hands.Why,cause therywere like ice , even in the summer.Some peoples touch is like a strange disconnection..bad vibes sort of feeling.Thank the godess most touch is just fine as long as it stays in bounds with my stoness.As I look back on it all its probbly why or part of what made me a stone butch.

[bigbutchmistie]

For me with people close to me.I like to hug them. And with a gf I am extremely affectionate to her. I wanna hold her hand in public, kiss her on the lips cheek and or forehead. Put my hand in the small of her back as we walk. I enjoy PDA. But not full blown making out sessions. Thats private

As far as for me receiving it? Depends on the situation whether or not I feel my space is invaded Or become overwhelmed. Or my body tenses up. Its a defense mechanism I have always had. Since growing up in the adopted household there was absolutely NO affection, no hugs nothing.

[ArkansasPiscesGrrl]

Great thread, and thanks to all the comments.

I have a niece that, as a baby, would bow back away from whoever was holding her, just to put space between herself and the adult. No cute infant cuddling for her. I always felt sorry for my sister-in-law, because that was one of the things I always LOVED when my kids were little, them cuddling into my neck, yanno?

Anyway, as for touch between a partner/lover/date goes, I love love love to touch and be touched. To me, and maybe I am weird, but touch (or the lack of) can almost be a point of validation of what the other is feeling. With my last partner, when we first got together, there was so much touch it was awesome... gentle, loving, public, it was as if we didn't want to be separated at all.

When she started to shut me out, it began with her pulling back from the touch. At the end (and this was even before I told her that it was ending and I was moving away), there was almost no touching at all on her part. So sad. I had not thought about this before, but it's almost like I was one of those infants deprived of touch. I felt lost much of the time.

When I once again venture into a relationship, I will be very clear with her that touch is necessary to ME.