Baby Butch Journey

[blucollargrl]

I think I've met the love of my life, BUT she lives with her girlfriend due to finances. Don't want to lose her, but don't have her anyway. What to do, what to do.

[tazz]

that sounds like a sticky situation... you do have choices... just protect yourself from getting so deep that you actually wind up not having her And getting hurt.

but it could work... and i hope it does for you... be patient and understanding.

just my 4 cents...

[*Anya*]

I am trying to think of a kind way to say this: finances may not be the only reason they are together. People have all kinds of reasons for remaining together besides love.

Get on with your life. If she really cares about you, she will move out. She can get a roommate, 2 roommates, etc. If she stays anyway, at least you will be living your life.

One can't live on hope. Take it from one that wasted a lot of years doing just that.

I hope it works out for you.

[MissItalianDiva]

I am with Anya on this one but I don't have a kind way to say it really. Don't fall for someones excuse who seems like they want to have their cake and eat it to. Another lesson I learned long ago is that if someone creeps around or cheats on someone to be with you then don't for one minute think at some point they won't do it to you since they have already proven to be untrustworthy and capable.

Lastly I think it is bad karma....we reap what we sow so watch where and how you mingle with something that is taken

[little_ms_sunshyne]

Seems like there is dishonesty going on. Caution!!!

[Strappie]

I think I've met the love of my life, BUT she lives with her girlfriend due to finances. Don't want to lose her, but don't have her anyway. What to do, what to do.

Maybe there is more behind this then you are telling us.. We really can't give you advice as to what to do if we don't have more of the story.

Most people will tell you to GET THE HELL OUT and RUN!

But my guess is there is a bit more to it than what you just wrote.

Help us out here Blu

[Tcountry]

I think I've met the love of my life, BUT she lives with her girlfriend due to finances. Don't want to lose her, but don't have her anyway. What to do, what to do.

I agree with Strappie...if u want real advise we are gonna need more info...
How long have u known her?
Why do u feel this way about her?
What are her feelings?
If she lives with her "girlfriend" ...they are still together...there is no financial reasoning bs.
& u are right...hard to lose something that isn't urs to begin with...

[msW8ing]

Did you meet her online??
Have you met her in person if you did?
Do you know anyone that can back up her "were broke up but still living together for financial reasons"?
I agree with sunshyne be very cautious..and I agree with Strappie..there is more to this story than what we were told. Whether you are aware or not..this isn't the whole story. Not trying to be cold here but I've seen so many of my friends go through this to end up heart broken and taken advantage financially. With them getting the "well if you love me and want to move out of my ex's house then help me pay for it" story. Sad but true.

[Blade]

I'd have to agree with the other posters, all gave honest sound advice. The only thing I would add is turn around don't walk but RUN from this situation as fast and far as you can. Likely you will find your emotions in tiny bits and pieces if you choose to stick around and wait. Probably it is a very toxic situation for you.

[Jett]

Can you call her anytime on the landline? Have you all been together in the same room? Does she talk to you differently when her "ex" is in the same room w/ her? Is it ok for you to just show up at the door while her "ex" is there (I say ex b/c you said g/f I assume it it supposed to be her ex).

I ask these questions b/c sometimes- often I bet that two people that break up live together for awhile out of convenience. I wouldn't write her off, anyone off unless there is evidence, signs that she's keeping you a secret... if it's all very open I'd say give it a good go.

[1QuirkyKiwi]

What does your gut-feeling tell you? Can you call her anytime?

As the other posters have said; are they limitations of when and where you can spend time together?

Have you seen where she lives?

Does ahe have a Polyamourous relationship with her 'girlfriend' and hasn't said?

It's hard not to build your hopes up about someone, but, sometimes, we have no control over who our heart desires, so caution is needed to protect yourself from getting hurt.

I'm upfront with the fact I share a house with my English cousin - I've also posted often on here that I do.

[girl_dee]

Yes your gut. Your alarms have got be be going off all over the place.

Use your common sense, if we were presenting this to you, what advice would you give?

Even if you have seen where she is, lots can be hidden or covered up, even innocently in a one time visit. If it is this complicated from the beginning, guess what....

[Dude]

Move on and go about your own buisness.
You are being set up to rescue her and her
pattern of finding a new one while still with
someone else could go on the rest of her life.
9 times out of 10, she will be lining up her next
one while your still living with her or your stuff
is still there.

Find a woman who is okay being single and has
been for quite some time. Otherwise all the
bullshit overlaps and you are in a relationship
that is anything but healthy. She will project
all her insecurities and trust issues onto you.
All patterns tend to repeat themselves, until
people take the time to work on their shit.
:coffee:

[Peach]

IF she lives with the girlfriend, (I noticed you didnt say ex-girlfriend) for financial reasons, make sure she has her finances in order before she moves in with you. Do not offer to help her out with those finances, dont send her money if she cries help. I dont know you, I dont know the girl, but I've read MANY MANY stories on how someone helped the love of their lives, financially, and never saw the girl, or the money again.

call me a cynic if you please, but reality costs far less than fantasy.

[KimbaYLRF]

Have to agree with everyone. The red flag should have been when she said she lives with her gf for financial reasons.

[The_Lady_Snow]

I think I've met the love of my life, BUT she lives with her girlfriend due to finances. Don't want to lose her, but don't have her anyway. What to do, what to do.

"BUT she lives with her girlfriend"

until that sentence structure changes I would STAY AWAY!

[ruffryder]

Is this like a friend girlfriend or an ex girlfriend or what?? I'm confused. LOL

Everyone is quick to tell you to run. I understand what you are going through however. Sounds like you already fell for the girl. Do you spend time with her? Can you spend time with her at your place? Someone else asked if you are able to talk to her whenever?

As I see you may or may not have her. Not sure what is going on with her living with her "girlfriend." Not sure why you are calling this person her girlfriend. I've been in a situation when I've had an ex living with me after we just broke up do to finances and I was dating someone else. It can work and it doesn't have to be all about sex people! Exes can remain friends. They can be respectful of you trying to move on even if they are living with you. Sometimes it's a mutual breakup but they may live together till they figure out finances or out of a lease, etc.

What I would consider in this situation is do you believe you have her, is she with you? Is this supposed to be a committment? Maybe you need to ask her what it is if you are confused.. I say go with your gut. If you feel it's fishy it probably is my friend. Good luck. If you like who she is though I wouldn't give up to easily. You'll figure it out.

[kannon]

Is this like a friend girlfriend or an ex girlfriend or what?? I'm confused. LOL

Everyone is quick to tell you to run. I understand what you are going through however. Sounds like you already fell for the girl. Do you spend time with her? Can you spend time with her at your place? Someone else asked if you are able to talk to her whenever?

As I see you may or may not have her. Not sure what is going on with her living with her "girlfriend." Not sure why you are calling this person her girlfriend. I've been in a situation when I've had an ex living with me after we just broke up do to finances and I was dating someone else. It can work and it doesn't have to be all about sex people! Exes can remain friends. They can be respectful of you trying to move on even if they are living with you. Sometimes it's a mutual breakup but they may live together till they figure out finances or out of a lease, etc.

What I would consider in this situation is do you believe you have her, is she with you? Is this supposed to be a committment? Maybe you need to ask her what it is if you are confused.. I say go with your gut. If you feel it's fishy it probably is my friend. Good luck. If you like who she is though I wouldn't give up to easily. You'll figure it out.


I agree with you ruff.

While her living arrangements are sketchy, it doesn't mean that she is a predator waiting for the next victim to pounce on. I don't think you can make a good assessment of her based on one bit of information. You're limiting yourself if you do that. I suggest you get to know her from a safe emotional distance. Don't let yourself get too emotional or too vulnerable. You should take this approach with anyone you meet online or in person. You really can't get to know someone until you spend time interacting with them. Don't fall too quickly.

[Sachita]

Don't be the solution to someone's problem. Let her first work out her problems and challenges, find a place and then begin a new relationship with you.

[Hollylane]

Black & white: She has not broken up with her girlfriend. Make it a no go.

Grey area: I live with my ex, we own the home, we live peaceably and amicably under the same roof with separate finances. I am becoming friends with the ex's new girlfriend, who has learned to appreciate me, and I her. The ex and I were always great friends, and made the friendship official by mutual agreement.

If she were in the grey area, in my opinion, there wouldn't be a question, other than your comfort level.

In the black & white area, unless she is in an open relationship(and the girlfriend knows and agrees with this too), again, it is a no go.

[Julie]

Okay...

When I met Dreamer, I was still living with my "ex," due to a number of reasons. Bottom line, no matter what, my ex and I were still family and were quite intertwined. We still are in many ways (financially, etc). Though we have not lived together for 18 months, we did. We remain close and continue to love and respect one another. She is an integral part of my life and my children's. EX in the picture does not mean cheating and dishonesty (always).

There was no hidden agenda for our living together, it was open and honest. There are many people who break up and for whatever their reasons are, they must remain that way until the situation can change.

So, don't be so harsh to judge - Because really... You could be speaking about Dreamer and I - And giving the advice to run. And we are still together and strong.

Unless you know the facts -- And unless you (Blu) feel safe in that relationship and have the knowledge and trust this person - see where it goes. The other people could be right, run for the hills. However, it could be as simple as the truth your new person is giving.

There are risks in every new relationship. Go with your intuition. I know Dreamer did.

Julie

[always2late]

Can you call her anytime on the landline? Have you all been together in the same room? Does she talk to you differently when her "ex" is in the same room w/ her? Is it ok for you to just show up at the door while her "ex" is there (I say ex b/c you said g/f I assume it it supposed to be her ex).

I ask these questions b/c sometimes- often I bet that two people that break up live together for awhile out of convenience. I wouldn't write her off, anyone off unless there is evidence, signs that she's keeping you a secret... if it's all very open I'd say give it a good go.

Not knowing your entire situation....I think this post by Jett says it best. My first instinct when reading your post was "Red flag...RUN!" But after some consideration...I realized that this assessment was not really fair. I don't know you, or the parties involved...and can't make a sweeping generalization based solely on my own experience. However, the questions posed by Jett are excellent and would be a valid tool in helping you assess what is going on.

[Billy]

Hellloooooo Red flag !!!!!!

:seeingstars:<-------------red flag hitting you over the head ....

Sounds like a red flag . Just sayin !

[princessbelle]

I am with the gray area responses. It depends. A lot of situations have to stay this way...for awhile...but just...for awhile.

But, an additional thought to think about: Make sure that you are not a rebound.

Make really sure enough time has passed since that relationship ended and she has grieved. Ask her about it.

It is an important piece to the breaking up process with a close ex in any situation, especially one where they still live together.

She may be hurt and needing someone. Doesn't mean a relationship right now is a great idea. Try to just be there as a friend first, especially if this is a new breakup.

Lots of good advice here..Red Flags, gut feelings, acting strange on the phone with you when the ex is around...and proper time to have grieved the past relationship.

..i hope you come back and post and let us know how it is going.

[Soft*Silver]

I had a couple really bad experiences with partners with exes around. NO THANK YOU. That will never happen again to me, no matter what an angel an ex might be. I dont have it in me.

But this is about you. You say you dont want to lose her. Well, that tells me she is seen as "property". From one person to the next, possession seems to be the key here in your statement.

A gal isnt a possession...a gift, yes, but not a possession. If she is yours, she is yours. It wouldnt matter if Mother Theresa lived with her or Cassonova.

can you see the difference....?

[Gráinne]

It's great when a situation like this works out as well as Julie and Dreamer's, and part of their relationship, I think, is mutual maturity and honesty from day 1. However, to be honest, it usually just turns into a messy situation. You need to be clear if this is "broken up but both are free to move on" or if there's an element of sneaking around and "not quite broken up". There doesn't seem to be enough information to tell.

If you just met, You may not have enough information on this girl's character, let alone if she's truly your great love. All the better not to get too enmeshed and just see how it goes.

Trust your deepest instincts, and don't make excuses or let this girl pee on your leg and tell you it's raining. Get to know her before you get your heart involved (that's for any relationship, actually ;)).

[blucollargrl]

Thanks everyone for the comments and advice. I believe that I am still an unknown to all who know her.

[blucollargrl]

What does your gut-feeling tell you? Can you call her anytime?

As the other posters have said; are they limitations of when and where you can spend time together?

Have you seen where she lives?

Does ahe have a Polyamourous relationship with her 'girlfriend' and hasn't said?

It's hard not to build your hopes up about someone, but, sometimes, we have no control over who our heart desires, so caution is needed to protect yourself from getting hurt.

I'm upfront with the fact I share a house with my English cousin - I've also posted often on here that I do.


I am still unknown to people around her....

[Strappie]

Thanks everyone for the comments and advice. I believe that I am still an unknown to all who know her.


Blu...

Maybe if you answered some questions that people have asked. Then perhaps they can give you some better advice without the harsh words by some because you haven't given the entire story....

Help us out to help you!

[twist of lime]

There is the rule and the exception. Plenty of good advise and things to give thought to. That being said...

Slingshot outa' there.

*drama awaits

[blucollargrl]

sooo.....she is still living with the ex, but moving soon. We have spent some amazing time together although not nearly enough for me. :) She isn't moving because of me though, which I don't feel she should. I recently found out that there is also another person she has been interested in.....hmmmm. I've told her a few times that I'm done trying and it pisses her off. We do this pull and push thing with eachother. So here I've stayed because I want to believe what she tells me. I want her to feel safe and know that I will be here. We have such an intense emotional and physical chemistry when we are together. She is a beautiful person inside and out, but is she trustworthy? The other person she's interested in doesn't know about me either, but she has told me that if we continue she will have to tell her. I don't want to lose her. Is she just in a very confused space or is she just playing us both? I really want to believe!

[Gráinne]

If you've told her "a few times" that you're done trying, you're not done trying.

Beautiful people on the inside don't suddenly have another potential woman in the wings. Beautiful people don't engage in the "back and forth" and all the drama of being together. Beautiful people don't get pissed off when you stand up for yourself.

Great chemistry doesn't mean squat if you have doubts to her trustworthiness. That's what you're really asking us; does this sound like a lot of smoke up your nethers, or the real deal?

Even if she is aboveboard, there are a lot more potential partners out there without all the sturm and drang. Really look at yourself, and ask if you are in fact more attracted to the excitement, and are women without all the drama "boring"?

You don't "have" her at all, and in my cynical little world, you, the other girl, and quite possibly the not-so-ex are all going for a ride. I'm sorry, though; I know well how that chemistry feels.

[UofMfan]

I am with the gray area responses. It depends. A lot of situations have to stay this way...for awhile...but just...for awhile.

But, an additional thought to think about: Make sure that you are not a rebound.

Make really sure enough time has passed since that relationship ended and she has grieved. Ask her about it.

It is an important piece to the breaking up process with a close ex in any situation, especially one where they still live together.

She may be hurt and needing someone. Doesn't mean a relationship right now is a great idea. Try to just be there as a friend first, especially if this is a new breakup.

Lots of good advice here..Red Flags, gut feelings, acting strange on the phone with you when the ex is around...and proper time to have grieved the past relationship.

..i hope you come back and post and let us know how it is going.



Excellent advice pink princess. I could not have said it better myself.

[Ebon]

sooo.....she is still living with the ex, but moving soon. We have spent some amazing time together although not nearly enough for me. :) She isn't moving because of me though, which I don't feel she should. I recently found out that there is also another person she has been interested in.....hmmmm. I've told her a few times that I'm done trying and it pisses her off. We do this pull and push thing with eachother. So here I've stayed because I want to believe what she tells me. I want her to feel safe and know that I will be here. We have such an intense emotional and physical chemistry when we are together. She is a beautiful person inside and out, but is she trustworthy? The other person she's interested in doesn't know about me either, but she has told me that if we continue she will have to tell her. I don't want to lose her. Is she just in a very confused space or is she just playing us both? I really want to believe!

Sounds like she just broke up with someone and is seeing what dating is like again. She may need the space to do that for awhile until she's ready for something more serious.

[midwest chick]

sooo.....she is still living with the ex, but moving soon. We have spent some amazing time together although not nearly enough for me. :) She isn't moving because of me though, which I don't feel she should. I recently found out that there is also another person she has been interested in.....hmmmm. I've told her a few times that I'm done trying and it pisses her off. We do this pull and push thing with eachother. So here I've stayed because I want to believe what she tells me. I want her to feel safe and know that I will be here. We have such an intense emotional and physical chemistry when we are together. She is a beautiful person inside and out, but is she trustworthy? The other person she's interested in doesn't know about me either, but she has told me that if we continue she will have to tell her. I don't want to lose her. Is she just in a very confused space or is she just playing us both? I really want to believe!

Questions that you should ask yourself, include (but are not limited to)

Is this woman of the 'serial relationship' variety? How do I feel about being in a relationship with her, while she is still outprocessing the previous one?

If I'm questioning trustworthiness now, and it's obvious that she is not a full-diclosure type person (since you are an unknown entity in her life) how will that impact, and affect my feelings, confidence and self worth in the future? How is this affecting me now?
Is she honestly just dating, and I want more, and possibly reading more into this experience? Although, in an honest dating scenario, all parties are aware of the situation, and that there is no exclusivity agreement.



It sounds like a TIMEOUT is called for, at this point. You might want to clarify your own expectations, desires, and wishes for your next relationship, discuss them with her, and find out what hers are as well, followed by a week's timeout to think.

I truly wish you the best!

[Corkey]

sooo.....she is still living with the ex, but moving soon. Living with the ex is not a red flag, because not everyone has the finances to move out quickly, sometimes it takes time. We have spent some amazing time together although not nearly enough for me. :) She isn't moving because of me though, which I don't feel she should. I recently found out that there is also another person she has been interested in.....hmmmm. She is interested in someone else, it isn't you, move on. I've told her a few times that I'm done trying and it pisses her off. If she is interested in someone else why is she pissed? Are you the "safe option"? We do this pull and push thing with eachother. Stop it it isn't being realistic with one another. So here I've stayed because I want to believe what she tells me. Why? I want her to feel safe and know that I will be here. We have such an intense emotional and physical chemistry when we are together. She is a beautiful person inside and out, but is she trustworthy? The other person she's interested in doesn't know about me either, but she has told me that if we continue she will have to tell her. I don't want to lose her. Is she just in a very confused space or is she just playing us both? I really want to believe! You need to understand your own needs before you can commit to another.

Never be another's option when you want a commitment. Poly relationships are one thing, being played for a fool is another.

My .05 adjusted for inflation.

[Gemme]

I think I've met the love of my life, BUT she lives with her girlfriend due to finances. Don't want to lose her, but don't have her anyway. What to do, what to do.


Initially, the words 'girlfriend' and 'lose' made my dander kick up. First, if it's a current girlfriend, then all need to know what's going on. Second, you lose your keys, not a human being. If you are feeling that at this point, what happens when you have fallen for her to kingdom come and back?


Don't be the solution to someone's problem. Let her first work out her problems and challenges, find a place and then begin a new relationship with you.

Actually, I agree wholeheartedly with Sachita. Let her get on her feet and then see where things lie before jumping into anything serious.

Thanks everyone for the comments and advice. I believe that I am still an unknown to all who know her.

So she's keeping you a secret? That's not good...

sooo.....she is still living with the ex, but moving soon. We have spent some amazing time together although not nearly enough for me. :) She isn't moving because of me though, which I don't feel she should. I recently found out that there is also another person she has been interested in.....hmmmm. I've told her a few times that I'm done trying and it pisses her off. We do this pull and push thing with eachother. So here I've stayed because I want to believe what she tells me. I want her to feel safe and know that I will be here. We have such an intense emotional and physical chemistry when we are together. She is a beautiful person inside and out, but is she trustworthy? The other person she's interested in doesn't know about me either, but she has told me that if we continue she will have to tell her. I don't want to lose her. Is she just in a very confused space or is she just playing us both? I really want to believe!

This makes my head ache. Let's look at this from a slightly different angle. Why should you go for this?

Um, she trips your sex trigger.
She's easy on the eyes.
She feeds into your needs.

I would be very, very careful. It doesn't have anything to do with her still living with an ex. Lots of folks do that. It has to do with the fact that she's already playing mind games with you and you don't even 'have' her. She's keeping you secret from a lot of people and she won't commit. Then she gets upset when you insinuate that you don't want this and are 'done'. She reels you in and tosses you out and you go along with it.

I have no idea how old you are, but if you are.....oh, let's throw a number out there....30 or older, you should know better. If you are in your teens or twenties, then this will serve as a learning experience for you. I just hope that it doesn't make everything more difficult for the really nice girls out there who like you later on.

Save your heart and your love for the worthy.

[Soft*Silver]

I personally think your mind is made up and you are going to chance everything to be with her as long as you can, at any cost to your self esteem and soul.

that being said, maybe you didnt really want advice, but needed to talk yourself into it and the easiest way to do that would be to counter(justify) against everyone's opinions that warn you to be on guard.

I could be VERY wrong. I also have been in that position and its why I recognize it. But maybe its just projection and I should keep quiet...

I just dont want to see you hurt. By yourself

[always2late]

sooo.....she is still living with the ex, but moving soon. We have spent some amazing time together although not nearly enough for me. :) She isn't moving because of me though, which I don't feel she should. I recently found out that there is also another person she has been interested in.....hmmmm. I've told her a few times that I'm done trying and it pisses her off. We do this pull and push thing with eachother. So here I've stayed because I want to believe what she tells me. I want her to feel safe and know that I will be here. We have such an intense emotional and physical chemistry when we are together. She is a beautiful person inside and out, but is she trustworthy? The other person she's interested in doesn't know about me either, but she has told me that if we continue she will have to tell her. I don't want to lose her. Is she just in a very confused space or is she just playing us both? I really want to believe!

I posted earlier before this new update, that since I don't know you or the other party, I didn't feel right making a generalization. However, after this update, I am going to add my two cents. It appears to me that you are going to stay no matter what advice is given. I am basing this assumption on a few phrases, such as, "she is a beautiful person" and "we have an intense emotional and physical chemistry". I would like to ask, if your connection is that intense, why is she interested in someone else? And, what exactly are you getting out of this relationship, other than the physical? She is keeping you a secret, she is interested in someone else, and she doesn't seem to have any regard for your feelings, until you tell her you are leaving. You mentioned that you want her to feel safe and know you will be there...what about her making YOU feel safe in the relationship? I'm sorry...but it seems to me that you are embarking on a toxic relationship.

[Passionaria]

Hi Blue,
Lots of good advice from the people above me, I just wanted to add one thing. I will speak to how I would feel in that situation, as I don't know you personally. If I was waiting on someone, and not sure of where I stand, it would make me feel somewhat powerless and in a position of wanting something I am not sure I can have. I would feel like I was at a disadvantage emotionally, and have to wonder if the person really respected me. Not a good feeling for me anyway.

My suggestion is to turn the tables. Do you FABULOUSLY, shine, love yourself, be irresistible. Then make her work for it. I would feel like I took back my power that way, and it could just be a whole lot of fun. Most people enjoy a challenge.......Did I say that out loud?????

my .02

Blessings to you on this Blue,
Pashi

[Corkey]

Personally I love the turn around position. It serves multiple prepossess. First. How would she react if you were the one stringing her out on a limb? Are you sure of her emotional and physical attraction to you, if so how?

[sara-bera]

I think I've met the love of my life, BUT she lives with her girlfriend due to finances. Don't want to lose her, but don't have her anyway. What to do, what to do.

I lived with my ex for a year after we ended the marriage because I literally had to start over (I really only had a paycheck to my name when I ended things and that was it). However, everyone knew he was my ex. He knew he was my ex. And of course, I also knew he was my ex. We slept on separate floors of the house and lived as roommates.

I only dated one person during that year and I'm not sure said person ever questioned anyone but me, but if he had, he would have heard clearly that my ex and I were over.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that sometimes there are reasons people have to continue living under the same roof for awhile after separating - lives are entwined and take some work to detangle... but, it's usually pretty clear when it's over, regardless. If you're questioning things, you might have very well have something to worry about.

[blucollargrl]

So winter here in the midwest might be a warm one, maybe even hot ;), after all. Good conversation with her tonight after much pondering on both our parts. She's scared, I'm scared, but we're going to give it a shot. We love each other and hopefully that's enough. :) Thanks again for you're thoughts. It is much appreciated.!!

[Strappie]

Hey Blu,

I've hand my challenges through out the years stemming from my first relationship and the effect that it has had on me over the years. I've had to work long and hard to get were I am today by working on myself before entering relationships. One relationship can turn your other relationships upside down. So choose wisely.

Sometimes if we take a step back and take a good hard look at what is with in ourselves, we find the answers we are looking for.

I personally think there is something with in you that you need to take a good hard look at before taking on this relationship. I believe there is some one better for you out there. I really don't think you want to get yourself into this thus you are asking for advice. I feel there is a part of you reaching out for help so to speak. I think you know the answer. It's as if you don't think there is anything better. Or maybe you think time is running out on your relationship clock? When we have to question if this relationship is right or if we can trust each other or not, or we continue to wonder whether they are truthful or not... it's time to look with in yourself and ask....

What am I doing??

Am I lonely?

Am I giving up on myself?

Am I asking the right questions, to get the answers "I" need?

Am I being gullible?

Why am I questioning her?

Am I being truthful with myself in my wants/needs?

and so on and so on......

The way I look at it is... you should look with in yourself not her.

~~just my two cents.. and babble!!

[DapperButch]

So winter here in the midwest might be a warm one, maybe even hot ;), after all. Good conversation with her tonight after much pondering on both our parts. She's scared, I'm scared, but we're going to give it a shot. We love each other and hopefully that's enough. :) Thanks again for you're thoughts. It is much appreciated.!!

So is she willing to come OUT with your relationship? Is she willing to let everyone know?

[Sachita]

I lived with my ex for a year after we ended the marriage because I literally had to start over (I really only had a paycheck to my name when I ended things and that was it). However, everyone knew he was my ex. He knew he was my ex. And of course, I also knew he was my ex. We slept on separate floors of the house and lived as roommates.

I only dated one person during that year and I'm not sure said person ever questioned anyone but me, but if he had, he would have heard clearly that my ex and I were over.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that sometimes there are reasons people have to continue living under the same roof for awhile after separating - lives are entwined and take some work to detangle... but, it's usually pretty clear when it's over, regardless. If you're questioning things, you might have very well have something to worry about.


In a perfect world it shouldnt matter, however I would not jump into a relationship with someone who had an ex lurking about. I would spend time, get to know them and move very slow. There's just been too many bad situations I've encounter to just trust someone that much right off the bat.

I look around me and see so many people just jumping in and going full speed ahead. Whats the fucking hurry? The very worse thing you can do is base a relationship on passion and allowing the HIGH's to fuel you past common sense. When reality checks in it might be more then what your bargained for. Slow down, don't settle and nurture a friendship

[Kobi]

In a perfect world it shouldnt matter, however I would not jump into a relationship with someone who had an ex lurking about. I would spend time, get to know them and move very slow. There's just been too many bad situations I've encounter to just trust someone that much right off the bat.

I look around me and see so many people just jumping in and going full speed ahead. Whats the fucking hurry? The very worse thing you can do is base a relationship on passion and allowing the HIGH's to fuel you past common sense. When reality checks in it might be more then what your bargained for. Slow down, don't settle and nurture a friendship



This makes sense to me. Anyone still connected to an ex either by living arrangement, finances, emotions etc is not someone free to explore a relationship with another.

In my experience it takes time to heal and get back on ones feet. To try and circumvent this by jumping into another relationship does a disservice to all parties.

My general rule is a year of alone time before even considering getting involved. The head is clearer, the emotions are free, and involvement is a choice not a reactionary move to loss, lonliness etc.

[Glenn]

Blu Collar Read This Again :

I posted earlier before this new update, that since I don't know you or the other party, I didn't feel right making a generalization. However, after this update, I am going to add my two cents. It appears to me that you are going to stay no matter what advice is given. I am basing this assumption on a few phrases, such as, "she is a beautiful person" and "we have an intense emotional and physical chemistry". I would like to ask, if your connection is that intense, why is she interested in someone else? And, what exactly are you getting out of this relationship, other than the physical? She is keeping you a secret, she is interested in someone else, and she doesn't seem to have any regard for your feelings, until you tell her you are leaving. You mentioned that you want her to feel safe and know you will be there...what about her making YOU feel safe in the relationship? I'm sorry...but it seems to me that you are embarking on a toxic relationship.

PULL EJECT NOW

[Novelafemme]

This makes sense to me. Anyone still connected to an ex either by living arrangement, finances, emotions etc is not someone free to explore a relationship with another.

In my experience it takes time to heal and get back on ones feet. To try and circumvent this by jumping into another relationship does a disservice to all parties.

My general rule is a year of alone time before even considering getting involved. The head is clearer, the emotions are free, and involvement is a choice not a reactionary move to loss, lonliness etc.




Having been in this exact situation myself, I would have to agree with Kobi. I lived with my ex for almost a year after splitting up and it was one of the worst situations I have ever been in. It made sense at the time since neither of us could afford to break the lease and move, but in the end that exact situation happened so it was inevitable! I did tell the person I started dating about our situation but it still turned out to be messy and painful for everyone involved and I wouldn't recommend making the choices I did to anyone.

Even though I was VERY new to the gay dating world, and I made some pretty poor choices, I would now recommend the following:

1. slow down.

2. and then slow down even more.

3. do not, i repeat...DO NOT!!...move in with anyone until you are both single, have gotten to know each other in different situations over time, and are each living on your own, unattached to anyone else...both emotionally and physically.

...and most of all, don't pressure or feel pressured into anything. It's more than OK for anyone to ask for some personal time and space to figure out what is in your/their best interest. i know how it feels to be swept off your feet and want everything to happen FAST. it feels exciting and hopeful and wonderful...but if it is meant to be there shouldn't be any reason at all to rush things. be patient and know everything will work out the way it was meant to. (w)

[Dreams]

*shaking my head*...

[kannon]

Each situation is unique. Other people can provide advice, share their experiences, which may influence your own. The trick is learning to find, listen and follow your inner voice. On a deeper level we all know what's right for us.

[JustJo]

...and most of all, don't pressure or feel pressured into anything. It's more than OK for anyone to ask for some personal time and space to figure out what is in your/their best interest. i know how it feels to be swept off your feet and want everything to happen FAST. it feels exciting and hopeful and wonderful...but if it is meant to be there shouldn't be any reason at all to rush things. be patient and know everything will work out the way it was meant to. (w)

This exactly... :rrose:

[ruffryder]

So winter here in the midwest might be a warm one, maybe even hot ;), after all. Good conversation with her tonight after much pondering on both our parts. She's scared, I'm scared, but we're going to give it a shot. We love each other and hopefully that's enough. :) Thanks again for you're thoughts. It is much appreciated.!!

I appreciate you starting this thread. People have been there, done this. I hope you take the advice given here. It is good to get a 3rd party advice. People always say the heart knows what it knows. You cannot tell it how to feel. I'm glad you are having conversation about this with her. I do not agree that she is keeping you a secret from the world. The only thing I can think of is what you said is that you are both scared and maybe just starting to explore the start of a relationship. Give it a shot, give it time. Keep communicating about what you both want. Do not be a secret to the world though when you are ready to commit and she's not. Love is enough if that it is what it is buddy and hopefully for your sake she's just loving you. Good luck. Keep us posted and come back for more advice if you need to.

[blucollargrl]

I should have listened to some of the advice I received from this thread. I gave all I had and it wasn't enough. Tapped out emotionally and financially....not that I had a lot of money to begin with. Just sayin. A lesson well learned......don't give your heart to quickly or completely, especially when the other person is emotionally unavailable. It was all great advice, I just had to find out for myself I guess!!! Argghhhh!!

[Novelafemme]

I should have listened to some of the advice I received from this thread. I gave all I had and it wasn't enough. Tapped out emotionally and financially....not that I had a lot of money to begin with. Just sayin. A lesson well learned......don't give your heart to quickly or completely, especially when the other person is emotionally unavailable. It was all great advice, I just had to find out for myself I guess!!! Argghhhh!!

{{{{{blu}}}}} i'm so sorry you got hurt.

[Corkey]

I should have listened to some of the advice I received from this thread. I gave all I had and it wasn't enough. Tapped out emotionally and financially....not that I had a lot of money to begin with. Just sayin. A lesson well learned......don't give your heart to quickly or completely, especially when the other person is emotionally unavailable. It was all great advice, I just had to find out for myself I guess!!! Argghhhh!!

Don't beat yourself up over stuff you can't control. Learn and grow from this and heal before you try again.

[blucollargrl]

hugs are awesome!! Thanks!

[UofMfan]

I agree with Corkey.

Sometimes even when great advice is given, if it is not what we want to hear, we go ahead and do what we want to do anyway.

Some lessons we need to learn for ourselves.

Don't beat yourself over it, just learn and grow from it.

[Corkey]

I'd like to put some emphasis on the heal part. Take some time to understand what happened and the why of it, including your part in it. Folks make the worst mistakes by jumping into relationships they just aren't ready for because they haven't taken the time to learn from the last one. . Its human nature to want to be paired up, in some form and fashion. Growing from the healing is so much easier and the lessons tend not to have to be repeated.
My.05

[bitcrazy]

I should have listened to some of the advice I received from this thread. I gave all I had and it wasn't enough. Tapped out emotionally and financially....not that I had a lot of money to begin with. Just sayin. A lesson well learned......don't give your heart to quickly or completely, especially when the other person is emotionally unavailable. It was all great advice, I just had to find out for myself I guess!!! Argghhhh!!
__________________________________________________ _____________
My grandma used to tell me - the key to success in life is not making mistakes. You need to learn from your mistakes and be wise enough to avoid repeating them again. My $0.02. Good luck and may the new year bring a new tide in your life.

[Abigail Crabby]

I should have listened to some of the advice I received from this thread. I gave all I had and it wasn't enough. Tapped out emotionally and financially....not that I had a lot of money to begin with. Just sayin. A lesson well learned......don't give your heart to quickly or completely, especially when the other person is emotionally unavailable. It was all great advice, I just had to find out for myself I guess!!! Argghhhh!!


Advice is always great - but we as human beings tend to listen to our inner thoughts and learn the lessons needed.

Don't beat yourself up over this - mistakes are made and gotten over. Hearts get broken and mend....

The best part is when the time is right - you will be available for the perfect person for you.....

[blucollargrl]

I love this sight....everyone is so helpful and things aren't sugarcoated!! Makes it easier for a baby butch to find her way.
:hangloose:

[blucollargrl]

Light bulb moment!! Being new to this butch/femme dynamic I had no idea how my mind and body would react to it. It made me physically feel things that were foreign to me and sent my mind in to a tail spin. Having that strong attraction to a femme was as new to me as it was natural. I don't know if anyone else has felt this way, but I never saw myself as "butch". I can thank a good friend of mine....who for a "new" lesbian, suprisingly saw it before I did......for opening my eyes and unknowingly helping me be who I am. Then out of nowhere there's this beautiful femme. She drew me to her like a magnet without knowing it. I didn't even know it and I didn't understand it. But it felt like home. If there are "baby butches", (i don't know if that's the right term, but it works) out there like myself, the one thing I can say to them is to educate yourselves, take it slow and don't let it overwhelm you. It's a crazy, beautiful, intense wonderful ride.......this butch/femme dynamic and I have so much more to learn. You all have helped in more ways than you know. I'm looking forward to continuing my journey. I never knew the touch of a femme could drop me to my knees!! Wow! :)

[Toughy]

I never knew the touch of a femme could drop me to my knees!! Wow!

from an 'old butch'......40 years later and that feeling still exists for me...

[*Anya*]

Hi there baby butch!

The right femme will be dropping to her knees for you in a hot minute:)

(f)

[Corkey]

I prefer my femme to drop to her knees, but who's mincing...:pirate-steer:

[The_Lady_Snow]

I prefer my femme to drop to her knees, but who's mincing...:pirate-steer:



It's cause you found the kind that does, some of us, not so much....

[Corkey]

It's cause you found the kind that does, some of us, not so much....

Tis why I'm not mincing...

[Strappie]

Hey Blu,

I gotta tell you it takes a lot of guts to admit things went wrong or that it just didn't work and trust me, it's okay to stumble.

You will stumble and trip along the way but you will always find your feet again. Just take your time don't rush it. Life takes us to the path, you get to choose which path to take. Will it be left, right or forward?

It's all up hill for you now.. learn from it. Ask yourself those questions I wrote earlier to find a better path for next time. I try not to say any relationship was a regret because honestly you do get something out of each relationship, good or bad. Hopefully you will learn from each one. Listen to your self dig deep and do it better next time. If you don't dig into it you will find yourself repeating the pattern (the pickers off) and you don't want that.

Good luck to you in the future. There are a lot of amazing people on here, listen, take what you need, throw out the rest.

[Sachita]

Light bulb moment!! Being new to this butch/femme dynamic I had no idea how my mind and body would react to it. It made me physically feel things that were foreign to me and sent my mind in to a tail spin. Having that strong attraction to a femme was as new to me as it was natural. I don't know if anyone else has felt this way, but I never saw myself as "butch". I can thank a good friend of mine....who for a "new" lesbian, suprisingly saw it before I did......for opening my eyes and unknowingly helping me be who I am. Then out of nowhere there's this beautiful femme. She drew me to her like a magnet without knowing it. I didn't even know it and I didn't understand it. But it felt like home. If there are "baby butches", (i don't know if that's the right term, but it works) out there like myself, the one thing I can say to them is to educate yourselves, take it slow and don't let it overwhelm you. It's a crazy, beautiful, intense wonderful ride.......this butch/femme dynamic and I have so much more to learn. You all have helped in more ways than you know. I'm looking forward to continuing my journey. I never knew the touch of a femme could drop me to my knees!! Wow! :)

Its sounds like you feel in love with the experience and its not just about the woman. I'm not saying you didn't have feelings for her but that the first connection is always "WOW" and your hormones can get the best of you, for sure! It's not a bad thing but looking at the whole picture you want all the elements there for a good relationship. People laugh at me because I approach relationships like business partners, in a sense. Yes I want chemistry but everything else has to make sense. You've got to really like and respect the person you're going to spend in and day out with. If you base it strictly on lust then you're making a big mistake.

[*Anya*]

Baby butch,

There are many layers to this journey of ours. I think that when we first come out or recognize our true identity, regardless of what that means to us; the world is like a brand-new place. We may have always lived in it but all of a sudden, we are looking at it through brand-new eyes.

No matter our age, there is a certain adolescent quality to it. I laid eyes on my 1st honest-to-god butch at age 16 and did go weak in the knees ( though did not fall to my knees).

I had a circuitous route to finally coming out but when I did, at about age 25, I was about in love with everyone I laid eyes on.

It does take some time and experience to get to the place where you do not want to jump the bones of every hot one that you see ( well some never get to that place), to not think you are in love with everyone you are seriously attracted to and really learn the difference between attraction/love and lust.

It is a process and can be hot, fun and painful- not necessarily in that order but a wonderful journey it is-into this world of ours.

Buckle up baby, it can be a bumpy ride!

(f)

[Bootsandheels]

Light bulb moment!! Being new to this butch/femme dynamic I had no idea how my mind and body would react to it. It made me physically feel things that were foreign to me and sent my mind in to a tail spin. Having that strong attraction to a femme was as new to me as it was natural. I don't know if anyone else has felt this way, but I never saw myself as "butch". I can thank a good friend of mine....who for a "new" lesbian, suprisingly saw it before I did......for opening my eyes and unknowingly helping me be who I am. Then out of nowhere there's this beautiful femme. She drew me to her like a magnet without knowing it. I didn't even know it and I didn't understand it. But it felt like home. If there are "baby butches", (i don't know if that's the right term, but it works) out there like myself, the one thing I can say to them is to educate yourselves, take it slow and don't let it overwhelm you. It's a crazy, beautiful, intense wonderful ride.......this butch/femme dynamic and I have so much more to learn. You all have helped in more ways than you know. I'm looking forward to continuing my journey. I never knew the touch of a femme could drop me to my knees!! Wow! :)

Good Luck to you Blu...she will be a very lucky femme to hold your heart and keep you...