How do you communicate when you're angry?

[Sassy]

OK, I've been looking around for a bit to see where I could post this and I didn't see anything. If there's a better place for this question to live I'm sure a mod can move it :)

------------------------

So, here's a shocker. My SO and I communicate very differently. It's usually not an issue. But when one of us gets angry there's a huge problem. I don't say a word. She screams it to the high heavens. ... I did mention we communicate differently ;)

She gets in a temper quick. It boils, her mind races, scenarios play out before her eyes and before either of us know it she's slamming doors and yelling. She can't sit with her anger. And the only way she can force herself to express herself, to push past the emotions and find her voice, is seemingly to yell.

I'm have a mild temperament. Too much so probably. Many things just do not bother me. But even if something does bother me, I take someone's intentions into consideration and roll it over in my mind before I'll speak up about it -- if I ever speak up. If people yell I walk away and hide -- and probably cry.

We're both broken birds with baggage. But how do you communicate if one can only yell and the other can only shiver and cry?

My SO said she has a book she read years ago called The Dance of Anger and she's going to re-read it and see if she can find any ideas for us. My temporary fix is if she's going to yell she's going to have to do it in the office with the door shut. LOL.

But I guess mostly, I'm curious. How do some of you handle anger? Does anyone else out there have issues similar to either of ours? If so, how have you handled communication in relationships?

[Rockinonahigh]

It reall depends on how ths anger issue comes up,most of the time I have a stree strikes and u r out thing,Dureing this time I will usely do my best to see why we have this problem and can we fix it.Then if that dosent work I will simply leave for a while but not before I say my peace as calmly as I can.If its a full on personal attack,im going to ignore it cause it may be for some reason im not aware of and not really the problem,but if the person who did it dosent stop,I want to know why and what gives them the right to do that..if things done change they are out of my life..right then and there.Its a whole nuther thing when it becomes physical,im going to do my best to not let it do that but rest ashure if it is physical whom ever starts it and dosent back off..is in for the whompoing of theire life.If someone messes with my family..all bets are off..it will not be good,they who ever they are, will not win.

[Blade]

I don't really know what part of our brain or our chemistry controls our temper. I do believe for the most part how we communicate our anger is a learned behavior. We either continue to do what we have learned gets results or we reevaluate ourselves and teach ourselves a better way to display or communicate anger.

It took me years to learn to control my temper and how to direct my anger when my temper flared up. Which in my younger years was often.

These days when I am angry, which is rarely, I step away for a bit. Go do something else, wash dishes pick up limbs, whatever. I never engage my tongue when I am angry. Two reasons for that, I am a master at comebacks and anything anyone might say to me in an argument I can quickly comeback and cut them to the bone with my tongue and that is not nice, so I be quiet. The other reason is because anything that comes over my lips can NEVER be taken back. It's out there to be thrown back in your face over and over or for you to ponder over and over why did I say that.

The best thing to do is keep quiet and think until you settle down emotionally and mentally. I'm not listening to a bunch of yelling. I'm not deaf. I also would not allow slamming drawers and doors in my home nor throwing things. These things could possibly cause me to lose my cool and revert back to the old stupid me, which would not make me proud of myself in the days to come. The bottom line is I have to live with my yesterdays decisions, every day I wake up. Everyday I have to wake up and decide if I like the man in the mirror. If any morning that answer is no, then probably I was ugly to someone the day before and need to apologize and try to do better.

[Leigh]

I'm the kind of person where if I so get angry, I tend to repress it because most of My life thats what I've done. One of the biggest drawbacks about living at home with my father is that he is very good at making Me repress any anger that I may feel towards him, especially since his attitude is only he is allowed to get angry and no one else is. He has always said that if I don't like what he has to say, then there is the door I can leave. I've had to repress My feelings time and time again, so whether I'm angry or upset I generally keep it inside ~ I know thats not good but luckily after abit of time it goes away

[tazz]

i completely shut down & withdraw.. and i ask for space until i feel grounded again..

after some time... i'm very hesitant, but i communicate... with arms folded and my discerned self.

after a while, when the dust settles, i'm more at peace with myself. however, the relationship between this person and myself has changed.

[ruffryder]

I'm the type of person that likes to talk about it right then and there and figure out a solution. That does not fare so well if I have a partner that wants space and time to think about it and is upset with me. I don't like to go to bed angry and upset without a conclusion. The last person I was with would hold a grudge, not talk to me, ignore me, and not be intimate if we had a fight. I hated that, it pissed me off more. Her and I did not do well when it came to disagreements thus our relationship was one of off and on for 5 years and decided that we would never agree anyway. It sucked. I say you have to come to some agreement. I tried to give her the space and time she needed but to feel neglected and ignored just made it worse for me, like she didn't care enough to figure out a solution and talk about it. Then when we tried to talk about a disagreement we each would try to point out why one was right and the other was wrong. Sometimes, old arguments get dragged into the new argument and that doesn't help anything at all and just heaves blows to the other person. I think what's important is just agree to disagree and make sure you each know you still love each other. There is gonna be tough times and disagreements and you have to get through them to make it work. Definitely do not bring up old fights or disagreements and do not, I repeat do not call names or say anything you will regret later.

[jac]

I'm a quiet withdrawn type of gy. I don't do confrontation well. I prefer to walk away usually and work my thoughts out, etc. I've always been partnered with yellers and those that tantrum (huge turn off for me)!! I have only had one person that was able to keep me in the moment even though I wanted to pullback.
I was given many suggestions about this with my breath therapist... The one I found worked best for me was to find another means of communication. Writing it out on paper (passing notes)... at least till the angered one can settle down some. It maintains an open line of communication and yet doesn't overwhelm the quiet one.
Good luck... it's a tough situation but if the love is truly there it can be worked through.

[1QuirkyKiwi]

For me, I’m mostly fairly laid back – I hate confrontation, but, there are times when I need to release the energy of the anger. I get angry and frustrated with myself at times – I go quiet, cry and want time alone to re-establish my inner balance, again.

It depends on what/why I’m feeling angry – if it’s at inanimate objects that are in my way because I’m rushing and short on time, sometimes I can lose my temper and throw them........Arrggh! Coat hangers are th bain of my life! LOL!

If someone has insulted me, is blaming me for something that they refuse to take responsibility for and the fault is entirely theirs, and they are shouting at me, then I will shout back and say what I feel. Being an emotional person I feel things deeply - mostly I just shake and cry.

There were a few times with two previous partners where I had to defend myself from physical abuse. I’m not proud of that fact, but, on one occasion I was dragged down the hallway by my feet with kicks to my back – I had no choice but to physically stop her before she paralysed me! It was a bad relationship, emotionally I wasn’t in a good place either and for a few years after these two relationships I reacted badly in an argument. Unless I’m being met with abuse, now, I hardly ever react in such a way. I try to make sure I steer clear of such people.

Sometimes I feel so hurt that I can't always communicate how I'm feeling and my anger is that fact - time alone to work through my feelings means I can express myself in a calmer manner when talking.

It also usually boils down to is; many people see me as this ‘totally together woman’ who has all the answers – I don’t! I have a lot of life experiences, and sometimes others project their insecurities onto me and expect me to sort all their problems for them – I can’t and I won’t! We all have our own inner demons to battle for whatever reasons and we don’t always handle ourselves and our emotions in the best ways – we’re human and flawed, this is often forgotten
.

[EnderD_503]

I don't express my anger very often, which can be problematic. Usually if someone gets angry and starts yelling at me I don't say anything to them and ignore them. I've gotten pretty good at blocking people out and kind of retreating to my own little world. If something makes me angry, more often than not I'll replay a thousand different scenarios in my head where I do go and yell at a person for what they've done to make me angry. Doing that makes me angrier and puts me in the kind of mood where I don't exactly communicate well (usually short responses and trying to avoid as much communication as possible with others), but rarely pushes me to actually go and do it.

When I do actually express my anger it gets really uncontrollable, probably because it's been boiling for a while. Especially if its a situation where someone has tried to manipulate me. Usually what keeps me from anger is the fact that I often feel sorry for people even if they've done something wrong to me. So I find it hard to really rip into them, because I feel like the only reason they did it is because they have little self-analytical ability and self-esteem. But when I find someone's trying to manipulate me, I often forget any kind of pity. Manipulation is where I draw the line.

[HoustonHuny]

In a controversy the instant we feel anger we have already ceased striving for the truth, and have begun striving for ourselves.Buddha

Years ago, I took a conflict management for women course for my job. I learned that conflict is inevitable and if you repress your anger or hold it in, it will come out eventually as passive-aggressive behavior. So, I try to get it out on the table and talk about it, keeping in mind the above quote.

[Gemme]

Oh, boy. This is a loaded topic for me. I am Italian, with the traditional temperament that accompanies that bloodline. I have also had some really horrible examples growing up of communication styles. I've done a lot of work and I'm much better than I was in my youth but I've still got a long way to go. I can honestly say that I will always be 'high strung' and 'excitable' but I do hope to find better ways to communicate without alienating my partner and/or making an ass out of myself.

The little stuff is like a firework for me. Sizzle for a second, then boom and it's all over. The big stuff that is incredibly meaningful to me simmers like a big pot of sauce (gravy for the old schoolers) until, over a long period of time, it boils over. Everyone involved gets some of the splatter in that case.

When I hold things in, whether intentionally or by conditioning, when the snapping point comes, it comes hard and fast and I can't measure it. So, I can't say that I need to step away or if I recognize that it's coming and I try to walk away, it's too late. Diarrhea of the mouth.

I can get out the little stuff on my own and without incident, most of the time. I mutter in the car or put on my headset (not in the car, at home or on break at work) and let the music soothe the savage beast.

Sometimes, little stuff becomes big stuff. I'm difficult to live with. I know this and I try to keep that in mind, especially since Ebon and I have such different living styles. When I'm single, I'm very neat and tidy. I don't leave dishes in the sink unless they've been rinsed but are soaking, I don't leave clothes on the floor, I don't let the carpet go for more than 2-3 without a vacuum, etc. Living with someone who is not as much of a tidy person is frustrating for both of us. We both make concessions. However, when the same limit is pushed over and over, no matter how little it is, it becomes big and thus my response grows in size and volume.

I admit that I am a yeller. I don't start out that way. If I felt that I am heard and that my opinion matters, then that keeps things positive and the volume down. If I feel as if I'm talking to a brick wall over and over an over again, I'm going to get pissed. I'm going to get super frustrated and I'm going to eventually start yelling, because....at that time....I feel as if maybe that's the only way to be acknowledged.

I know that I am a very flawed human being. Having said that though, you all should have seen me BEFORE I did the work I did. It wasn't pretty. :blink:

[Dominique]

It depends on who I am trying to communicate with.

If it's my partner, and I am really angry, I usually cry and talk at the same time. A lot gets accomplished. (sarcasm)

If I am in a professional setting. I become quiet. Walk away, and compose myself, and my thoughts, so the crying while talking does not happen.

Things in between, my non verbals usually let the other person (or people) know I'm excited. My face becomes red, my eyes get big and in general I have more animation. I say what I have to say and I get over it quickly.

On the telephone, surprisingly, I maintain complete composure. I had too many years of people doing the telephone bravado stuff on me. I made many mental notes to never do that to a person. Honey gets more flies than vinegar (idiom). It's true.

[tazz]

I'm a quiet withdrawn type of gy. I don't do confrontation well. I prefer to walk away usually and work my thoughts out, etc. I've always been partnered with yellers and those that tantrum (huge turn off for me)!! I have only had one person that was able to keep me in the moment even though I wanted to pullback.
I was given many suggestions about this with my breath therapist... The one I found worked best for me was to find another means of communication. Writing it out on paper (passing notes)... at least till the angered one can settle down some. It maintains an open line of communication and yet doesn't overwhelm the quiet one.
Good luck... it's a tough situation but if the love is truly there it can be worked through.

***stone4play... that is a really good idea... writing notes.
i appreciate your post :)

[tazz]

after re-reading my post here. i'm thinking "wow, i seem / appear like a bitch."

when i'm not!

a part of me likes to get it out in the open and talk about it, while maintaining my sense of self worth, and being in a centered / grounded space.

and a part of me does like to walk away, but not for long. i'll usually say "i need to leave the room, but i will be right back." and when i do come back, i'm ready to communicate.

i feel better now... :)

[WomenMoveMe]

It has been awhile for me in that I have been single for many years and therefore have no one that is close enough to govern my mood.

However...I have never been one to get angry...but rather...I get disappointed. I do not yell. I do not throw things. I do not utter words designed to hurt as they are left there hanging in our hearts and minds. Never to be forgotten...and unable to be stricken from the record.

When at odds with my partner...she would rake me over the coals...and I would listen. When she had her say...I either apologized for my idiotic behaviors...or attempted to defend myself. Regardless the situation...it was done calmly and with mutual respect.

Should we find ourselves unable to rectify our turmoil at that moment...I would drive. I would tell her I was going for a drive and would return when my thoughts had been sorted. She knew this and would often hand me the car keys with instructions to 'go think'. This offered me time to allow issues to marinate...and she was amenable to this method. While she sometimes needed to raise her voice...she came to understand I did not and I like to think she liked that about me.

I was very lucky to have had one that so understood I was a calm..quiet...thinking sort. She knew I was not one given to overt displays of anger or disappointment and allowed me the time needed to attempt to see both sides of the issue.

I understand the differences in which people communicate. I hope one day...should I be lucky enough to love again...I will find one that affords me the 'comfortable argument' (that sounds strange doesn't it?). If not...I suppose I will just have to avoid moronic behaviors and disappointment...in both myself...and her. Should be do-able right?

[Random]

Oh, boy. This is a loaded topic for me. I am Italian, with the traditional temperament that accompanies that bloodline. I have also had some really horrible examples growing up of communication styles. I've done a lot of work and I'm much better than I was in my youth but I've still got a long way to go. I can honestly say that I will always be 'high strung' and 'excitable' but I do hope to find better ways to communicate without alienating my partner and/or making an ass out of myself.

The little stuff is like a firework for me. Sizzle for a second, then boom and it's all over. The big stuff that is incredibly meaningful to me simmers like a big pot of sauce (gravy for the old schoolers) until, over a long period of time, it boils over. Everyone involved gets some of the splatter in that case.

When I hold things in, whether intentionally or by conditioning, when the snapping point comes, it comes hard and fast and I can't measure it. So, I can't say that I need to step away or if I recognize that it's coming and I try to walk away, it's too late. Diarrhea of the mouth.

I can get out the little stuff on my own and without incident, most of the time. I mutter in the car or put on my headset (not in the car, at home or on break at work) and let the music soothe the savage beast.

Sometimes, little stuff becomes big stuff. I'm difficult to live with. I know this and I try to keep that in mind, especially since Ebon and I have such different living styles. When I'm single, I'm very neat and tidy. I don't leave dishes in the sink unless they've been rinsed but are soaking, I don't leave clothes on the floor, I don't let the carpet go for more than 2-3 without a vacuum, etc. Living with someone who is not as much of a tidy person is frustrating for both of us. We both make concessions. However, when the same limit is pushed over and over, no matter how little it is, it becomes big and thus my response grows in size and volume.

I admit that I am a yeller. I don't start out that way. If I felt that I am heard and that my opinion matters, then that keeps things positive and the volume down. If I feel as if I'm talking to a brick wall over and over an over again, I'm going to get pissed. I'm going to get super frustrated and I'm going to eventually start yelling, because....at that time....I feel as if maybe that's the only way to be acknowledged.

I know that I am a very flawed human being. Having said that though, you all should have seen me BEFORE I did the work I did. It wasn't pretty. :blink:

I'm just going to quote Gemme...

It's weird how two people raised completly different can be some what the same... I was raised in a very restrained household when everything was fine and no one was angry, until they were... Then all hell broke loose...

I pretty well react exactly the same as up above... Music saves me and others around me.. Also, I communicate better via the written word... If I can have the time to write out everything then it comes out better...

I've really had to work HARD at the yelling business... It invokes some pretty nasties for my girl... So I've tried really hard to modify that particular reaction... I need room to decompress before I can talk more about the hard stuff... It's hard to get that room sometimes... My girl is a let's talk EVERYTHING out until it is all crystle clear... I'm a Let me think about why I feel the way I do and I'll get back to you after I have processed...

I'm an emotional creature... What I'm pissed off about MAY NOT be why I am angry... I need to really dig in and find the root... If I react without taking the time to really think about it, well, it's never pretty and alway messy... It takes more work to do damage control than if I just had though about why I feel the way I do and then respond/react....

[ruby_woo]

If I'm angry, I need time to walk away and sort my thoughts out. Usually the first thing I want to do is figure out whether or not what I'm angry about...is actually worth being angry about. If it is, I need to be able to think it out before speaking about it. Trying to get me to talk before I'm ready will only result in bitchy, passive aggressive comments.

Unfortunately, years of my family telling me I'm "too sensitive" has led to me thinking it's all in my head, so I don't express anger often and frequently when I do, I blow up. This method works about as well as you'd expect- not at all.

[Sassy]

Thank you all for your comments, they were well written and insightful and helpful. My SO and I have such a good thing going. But we definitely react differently with our anger. It scared the bejeezus out of me the first time I really ever saw her get good-n-mad -- I'd never been around anyone who allowed themselves to get LOUD and/or verbal when they were angry -- too many past relationships were the brooding, silent, passive aggressive types.

[NorCalStud]

Sometimes I have a problem. If it is a trigger...one of my triggers? The dam wall breaks and I react from deep pain. If it isnt an issue ..? I can handle whatever with a cool head.
I am now learning to be less punitive with my affirmations. Instead of leaving a note for myself saying. "Dont say things you will regret"

I have one that says "admit feeling vulnerable about something"

[KimbaYLRF]

I don't get angry at the other person. I turn it inward and usually hurt myself as I cry and sputter to myself calling myself all sorts of names. There are times I just don't say or do anything. I won't do the ignoring route because that is how my mom is and I know how it feels to be not spoken to or even acknowledged for a day or longer.

[Chancie]

I don't yell or throw tantrums, but I do have strong feelings and I show them directly and honestly. I have a high expectation that my partner will do her very best to stay present and engaged when we have a disagreement. I don't think it's always easy for Pete.

I am a big fan of self awareness, so if my partner needs to walk away and take some time, I think that's great. I have deep respect and love for the effort made to learn what is comfortable and relationship building.

I struggle with my own reactive behaviors, and I have worked on my knee jerk responses a lot, but there are definitely times when I don't have self awareness that I am responding to my father or sister or ex, for example, and it is my responsibility to apologize in the most genuine way I can, as soon as I can.

[1QuirkyKiwi]

Oh, boy. This is a loaded topic for me. I am Italian, with the traditional temperament that accompanies that bloodline.

When I tell people that I’m Maori/Italian/French/Norwegian – their reaction is much the same as a Deer in headlights! LOL! I then have to explain that although I do have the fiery temperament it’s not often that I get angry, yet, they still expect to see that fiery nature on a regular basis, only, what they get is a cheerful nutcase with a demented sense of humour, instead! LOL! :jester:

I really have to be pushed to the limit before my anger rears it's up!

[Cin]

I am very expressive. Even without words you will know how I feel. I speak loudly when I’m upset or when I’m trying to make a point even though that is not my intention. I don’t think I’m yelling, but I’ve been told many times over the years “Don’t yell” or “Stop screaming.” So I’m going to accept that I must be raising my voice even when I think I am not. I suppose that is not likely to change until I get better at hearing myself. But I have taken some responsibility for the ways in which I express my feelings during an argument or when I am angry.

When I was younger it was very difficult for me to control my temper. It even took me a few years as an adult to figure out that I should even try. Anger and rage were the only emotions I felt comfortable expressing. And I believed I had a right to express myself, as long as I wasn’t abusive, regardless of the effect on others. Luckily for me, and it may have been my only saving grace at the time, I have always had the ability to look at myself honestly and to own my shit. After a couple of years in a long term relationship I began to feel uncomfortable with certain ways I would behave during arguments or when I was angry at something. That was the first step.

The next step was a little more difficult. Understanding that there is more to admitting my behavior is unacceptable than just saying “I’m sorry” or “I should have handled that situation better” was a challenge for me. I was able to say I’m sorry I yelled but there was always a justification after. I believed that because I was so upset I couldn’t help raising my voice or saying things I didn’t exactly mean. It took time for me to figure out that sorry implies wrong doing on the part of the person offering the apology and inherent in admitting you did something wrong is a promise to change. It makes absolutely no sense to say you’re sorry and then to continue doing the same thing. And I also realized that saying or believing I couldn’t help acting this way because of my abusive childhood or the abusive and dysfunctional relationships I witnessed growing up was a cop-out. And a lie. One I was trying to sell to myself. Of course I could help it. Why wouldn’t I be able to help it? If I couldn’t help it then who the hell could? It was ME behaving that way. And it was only me who could change that behavior and chose to behave another way. I wasn’t out of my own control, even though I told myself I was. That’s just ludicrous. No-one is beyond their own control. If I couldn’t control myself then who could? There’s not much I can control in this world, as matter of fact there is nothing I can control in this world, BUT myself.

It took time. I think it was a combination of being able to look inward and just growing older that allowed me to make some progress with my temper. It was also my desire to love and to show compassion that helped me to initiate some changes. I started to examine what I meant when I said “I love you.” Did I see love as only a feeling? If love was just a feeling I had about another how would it be possible for the person I loved to feel love from me? They could feel their love for me, but how could they feel my love for them? That’s when it dawned on me that the only way a person can know how much I love them is through my actions toward them. If my actions didn’t express love then it didn’t matter what my words said. That was a revelation. Then I asked myself, did I only love the person when they behaved in ways that were acceptable to me? I decided that of course not, I loved them regardless. However, when I’m angry I don’t behave in a loving way. Yet I don’t want to cause pain or to hurt the person I love, even when I am angry at them. I want them to know I love them, to feel I love them even when they piss me off.

So my next step was to try to figure out how come even when I meant to show love and compassion I was unable to do it when I got really angry. The clue for me was in the singularity of my emotions. I couldn’t possibly only always be angry when someone did something to me. That’s when I realized that a lot of what I was feeling was hurt. The person had hurt me. And I was incapable of dealing with hurt and sadness. I preferred anger and rage.

Over time I got comfortable with feeling hurt and expressing that feeling to the person who hurt me. I was dumbfounded by how disarming sharing my hurt with the person I loved really was. It definitely changed the emotionally charged atmosphere to a less lethal one. Not that saying someone has hurt you stops an argument. It’s not a get out of disagreeing free card. But it is an emotion that allows more room for open engagement. Anger is often so big, especially if it is the only emotion you allow yourself to show the other, that it leaves little room for compromise, compassion or even conversation.

Showing someone you are hurt does make you more vulnerable and certainly less threatening so it takes a certain amount of trust to be able to verbally express your pain as hurt. But it got easier once I figured out that saying, whether unconsciously to myself or out loud by my actions, that I was NOT hurt and I was NOT vulnerable did not in any meaningful way make me less hurt and less vulnerable. The reality is that I would remain hurt and vulnerable regardless of my actions. When a loved one does something to cause you pain you are hurt. When you love you are vulnerable. End of story. No amount of acting like it isn’t so makes a damn bit of difference. That was a game changer for me.

I believe when you tell someone you love them, they have a right to have some expectations of you. My wife is someone who I have professed to love on many occasions. I made some very specific promises on our wedding day. Promises I meant with all my heart. I have tried to explain to her the depth of my feelings often and yet I love her even more than I could ever express. Therefore it is only logical that she believes that I do love her very much and that I will always treat her with compassion and respect. I want her to keep believing this. She deserves to have this kind of love. She deserves someone to love her this way. I try very hard to be the person she deserves.

I wish I could say I do that always, but sometimes I feel like my need to express my anger outweighs my need to express my love. On those occasions I try to remember to look at my wife. To look in her eyes, to really look and see what she is feeling and then to ask myself if this is what I want to make her feel.

I am often capable now of letting stuff go. I could never do that before. I thought it was imperative that an issue be resolved. I think now that if I can let it go that is a kind of resolution in itself. When it’s something I can’t let go of, then I need to work it out with my wife. But no matter how annoyed or pissed off I am, no matter how hurt or disappointed, I can usually manage to remind myself in the middle of it all that this woman is not my enemy, she is, in fact, the person I love above all others. And that, regardless of what I am feeling at the moment, she is the woman who has shown me love, kindness and compassion beyond measure.

That doesn’t mean we are not going to disagree or that I am not going to try to get my way when I think it is important for me to do so. It doesn’t mean that I am never going to feel anger at my wife. However, it does mean that I am going to stay aware of who I am disagreeing with and how much she means to me and what kind of treatment she deserves from me as well as what kind of treatment I deserve to receive from her. It also means that I am not going to focus on being right or making her wrong. I am going to look for the compromise that takes the least away from each of us. And I’m going to do my damnedest to remain as loving as possible while staying true to myself.

[Cid]

It takes quite a bit to get me angry, so if there's a problem building up I usually discuss it with whomever I have the problem with. If it's something that's written to me in an email, I can sometimes get verbally harsh, but never name calling.
If it's someone causing problems with my kids I'm a momma bear, so back off..lol.

[luv2luvgirls]

just "the look" thats always enough

[always2late]

It takes quite a bit to get me really angry...and when I do, I will become very quiet and I've been told that I sound very cold and detached when I speak (defense mechanism). I will try to talk it out...but sometimes there comes a point where I just need to walk away (usually at the point where things have sunk to where we are either yelling, or getting ready to yell, at each other). I have told this to anyone I have ever been in a relationship with. If I get to the point where I need to walk...they need to let me go! The worst thing anyone can do to me is to try to prevent me from leaving...it makes me feel trapped and panicky. I will come back, and we will continue our discussion, however, at that point I am beyond listening, and if we both start to argue and yell, then NO ONE is listening. So, just let me walk...and cool off...and collect my thoughts. Usually when I come back I am in a MUCH better mood, and whatever the issue is will be resolved calmly and quietly.

When I was younger, my way of dealing with anger was entirely different. I have a very sharp tongue. And I would use it to slice at the person's weak spot, saying the most hurtful, painful thing I could think of. I learned this behavior from my mother. And I also learned that it was the one thing I could use against her. So..it became my weapon of choice when angry for a long time. As I matured, I realized that this was an ineffective and cruel way to deal with anger and, although it took some serious soul searching and work, I managed to change. I feel much better about the way I deal with anger now...it is much less damaging to me, and to those I care for.

[Quintease]

For years I thought I was an angry, irrational, overly-emotional person. Only then I fell in love with someone who talks things out with me, listens to my point of view when I'm upset, and really cares about how I feel.

I very rarely get upset or raise my voice now, even when he's in a mood and being an @rse :tease:

[MsTinkerbelly]

I am very easily hurt, but it takes someone very determined to make me angry. BUT...if I reach angry get out of my way, and stay out of my way until I tell you it's safe to be near me again.

Once I have regained sanity (some say I never get there, LOL) then I am able to talk and discuss any and all issues.

[Sassy]

So, after a lot of processing and reading all of the feedback here... here's where I'm at...

I definitely can understand being so angry one doesn't want to talk. I've been there. But I usually acknowledge that I need time to think and process and then remove myself from the situation.

My SO says that she has the right to vent when she is angry. She says if she doesn't get it off her chest it will only get worse. I can understand that.

What I can't understand is the need to scream and yell, drag up old arguments and get derogatory, lashing out verbally.

If I make an attempt to walk away she gets angrier because I'm "walking away" instead of talking.

If I try to talk and I make sense she gets mad and derails the argument with the yelling and "trash talking" (her words, not mine) -- I don't call it talking trash, I call it insulting the person you say you love.

I've decided this behavior is her way of attempting to "win" the argument. Walking away isn't an option because it allows ME time to regroup. Talking reasonably is only allowed if she's getting her way. And screaming and insulting me is a way to disarm me so that I'll withdraw and acquiesce to whatever her demands because it alarms me so much I'll do anything to make it stop.

I've drawn a line. She's not allowed to scream at me. She's not allowed to insult me.

And now I'm walking on egg shells.

I've been very clear. I don't think I'm being unreasonable. And it's my sincere wish that she's taken my words to heart and makes an obvious effort modify her behavior the next time she loses her temper. But mostly, I'm very, very sad that 18 months into this relationship this is where we are.

But at least I have some resolve and a plan. I have a little cash in the bank stuck back for Xmas so now I'm scaling back gift purchases in case I end up homeless for the holidays.

So, if you've read this far, I'm sorry for the ramble. LOL. But the point was, if you have some positive vibes to spare for a stranger you only know online, I could sure use them. :)

Thanks,
-S

[Miss July]

I Bitch, Piss, Moan & Swear A LOT..........I walk away...........then I clearly look at the situation................make my any necassary apolpgy and talk calmly about how I feel. (I'm french & irish what can I say)

[Quintease]

So, if you've read this far, I'm sorry for the ramble. LOL. But the point was, if you have some positive vibes to spare for a stranger you only know online, I could sure use them. :)

Thanks,
-S

((((hugs))))

I'm glad you have a plan. It's awful to live on tenderhooks with someone you love.

[Rivkeh]

....sometimes, I just stamp my foot :)

[Midnight]

....sometimes, I just stamp my foot :)

Ha! If I see you angry I'll keep my toes away from those heels!

I'm generally a brewer. I hold it in and try to 'let it go' but instead it builds until BOOM - and it can be the smallest thing that breaks the camels back, so to speak, and not the original problem. Once I've blown though I'm usually over it pretty quick and then feel extremely remorseful. But of course the damage is done by then. I'm a yeller *embarrassed*. The other half and I always talk things through though so we have rarely gone to bed angry with each other.

I know I should talk about what is bothering me before it gets to that point but Im not very good at communicating that sort of stuff and sometimes even Im not aware that I was bothered until too late. Weird I know.

Whether Im angry or she is (she has a different kind of attack to me!) I think the most important thing is to talk about it once you have both calmed down.

Also the 'angry' times are few and far between. The good stuff far outweighs the stressful times.

http://i41.tinypic.com/2igg2fm.gif

[Cin]

So, after a lot of processing and reading all of the feedback here... here's where I'm at...

I definitely can understand being so angry one doesn't want to talk. I've been there. But I usually acknowledge that I need time to think and process and then remove myself from the situation.

My SO says that she has the right to vent when she is angry. She says if she doesn't get it off her chest it will only get worse. I can understand that.

What I can't understand is the need to scream and yell, drag up old arguments and get derogatory, lashing out verbally.

If I make an attempt to walk away she gets angrier because I'm "walking away" instead of talking.

If I try to talk and I make sense she gets mad and derails the argument with the yelling and "trash talking" (her words, not mine) -- I don't call it talking trash, I call it insulting the person you say you love.

I've decided this behavior is her way of attempting to "win" the argument. Walking away isn't an option because it allows ME time to regroup. Talking reasonably is only allowed if she's getting her way. And screaming and insulting me is a way to disarm me so that I'll withdraw and acquiesce to whatever her demands because it alarms me so much I'll do anything to make it stop.

I've drawn a line. She's not allowed to scream at me. She's not allowed to insult me.

And now I'm walking on egg shells.

I've been very clear. I don't think I'm being unreasonable. And it's my sincere wish that she's taken my words to heart and makes an obvious effort modify her behavior the next time she loses her temper. But mostly, I'm very, very sad that 18 months into this relationship this is where we are.

But at least I have some resolve and a plan. I have a little cash in the bank stuck back for Xmas so now I'm scaling back gift purchases in case I end up homeless for the holidays.

So, if you've read this far, I'm sorry for the ramble. LOL. But the point was, if you have some positive vibes to spare for a stranger you only know online, I could sure use them. :)

Thanks,
-S

I'm glad you have a plan. It is always good to be prepared. It is also important to have limits and to make them clear to the other person.

It is difficult to change one's behavior but not impossible. I have always found it easier to do this when someone, preferably someone I love, makes it clear to me exactly what I am doing that is distressing to them. Then I can focus on finding a comfortable option that works for both of us. It seems you have done this for your partner. Her screaming and insulting you no longer works for you. Sounds easy enough on paper. How we react when angry and upset becomes almost reflex though. She will need to come up with a strategy that she can implement when she becomes angry that works for her. Something to replace what she has done in the past. She may be somewhat resistant initially because she probably hasn't come to the same conclusion as you. You feel her behavior no longer works for you, if it ever did. She may still be under the impression that you are alone in this. She may feel the behavior still works for her. Perhaps if she can see that clearly the behavior is really not working for her at all because it may cost her someone she loves. To my mind that is not a behavior that works.

Maybe you both need to come up with strategies for when you fight or disagree. Maybe she should be the one to walk away since she hates it when you do it. Or maybe she needs to learn to let you go. Perhaps you could not argue at all about anything until a specific time each week that you can set aside for just this purpose. Or just agree to not try to discuss an issue until you are both calm. And if during the discussion one of you feels uncomfortable or incapable of controlling their anger then the discussion needs to stop until you can discuss calmly. Or whatever you feel will work for you both.

Change isn't easy. It takes work and it takes patience. But it can be done. It's a process. Don't expect miracles. It's a series of small successes. Nothing happens overnight. If the relationship is worth it to you both then that's half the battle. If it's not worth the cost, and there is always a cost, there is no shame in that either. If your SA needs someone who will stand there and allow her to scream and insult them then perhaps you are not the person for her. But before she decides that is the case she might want to examine why anyone would allow themselves to be screamed at and insulted.
And even more importantly why she thinks they should.

Also you both get to define your own relationship for yourselves. What works for you both may not work for anyone else. Don't let others define how your relationship should work. There are always a plethora of people willing to tell you what you should or should not do in a relationship. The specifics of your relationship are not the domain of anyone else. As long as you both feel loved, respected, safe and happy that's a pretty good relationship. Listen to yourself. Both of you. Be true to yourselves and hopefully in the end your truths will match. I wish you both the best of luck.

[Sassy]

I'm glad you have a plan. It is always good to be prepared. It is also important to have limits and to make them clear to the other person.

It is difficult to change one's behavior but not impossible. I have always found it easier to do this when someone, preferably someone I love, makes it clear to me exactly what I am doing that is distressing to them. Then I can focus on finding a comfortable option that works for both of us. It seems you have done this for your partner. Her screaming and insulting you no longer works for you. Sounds easy enough on paper. How we react when angry and upset becomes almost reflex though. She will need to come up with a strategy that she can implement when she becomes angry that works for her. Something to replace what she has done in the past. She may be somewhat resistant initially because she probably hasn't come to the same conclusion as you. You feel her behavior no longer works for you, if it ever did. She may still be under the impression that you are alone in this. She may feel the behavior still works for her. Perhaps if she can see that clearly the behavior is really not working for her at all because it may cost her someone she loves. To my mind that is not a behavior that works.

Maybe you both need to come up with strategies for when you fight or disagree. Maybe she should be the one to walk away since she hates it when you do it. Or maybe she needs to learn to let you go. Perhaps you could not argue at all about anything until a specific time each week that you can set aside for just this purpose. Or just agree to not try to discuss an issue until you are both calm. And if during the discussion one of you feels uncomfortable or incapable of controlling their anger then the discussion needs to stop until you can discuss calmly. Or whatever you feel will work for you both.

Change isn't easy. It takes work and it takes patience. But it can be done. It's a process. Don't expect miracles. It's a series of small successes. Nothing happens overnight. If the relationship is worth it to you both then that's half the battle. If it's not worth the cost, and there is always a cost, there is no shame in that either. If your SA needs someone who will stand there and allow her to scream and insult them then perhaps you are not the person for her. But before she decides that is the case she might want to examine why anyone would allow themselves to be screamed at and insulted.
And even more importantly why she thinks they should.

Also you both get to define your own relationship for yourselves. What works for you both may not work for anyone else. Don't let others define how your relationship should work. There are always a plethora of people willing to tell you what you should or should not do in a relationship. The specifics of your relationship are not the domain of anyone else. As long as you both feel loved, respected, safe and happy that's a pretty good relationship. Listen to yourself. Both of you. Be true to yourselves and hopefully in the end your truths will match. I wish you both the best of luck.

Very well written and good advice. Thank you for taking the time to respond. For now, all I know is, time will tell. This is something we've struggled with from the moment I moved in with her, nearly 18 months ago. We've discussed the issue, and I know I've done my part of the things we agreed to do in working on ourselves to prevent a repeat of these kinds of incidents. Honestly, I hope the issue doesn't come up again and I never have to make that choice. But as I said, time will tell. Until then I live and love in the moment and hope for positive change.

[Sachita]

I load my 20 gauge and stand on the porch. lol sorry couldnt resist!

[princessbelle]

I load my 20 gauge and stand on the porch. lol sorry couldnt resist!

That's a good one. I was gonna say...mad? I don't get mad!!!! I get even.

But, sometimes i don't. But, sometimes i do. Actually i usually do or i found if i wait long enough, be patient long enough. Everything comes full circle...isn't that just lovely?

But, when i'm mad in the heat of the moment, it is best for me to walk away and think. I used to be quick to say things i shouldn't but i've learned. Walk away...think about it. Look at things objectively.

Ugggg. I hate the fact that i've grown up....somewhat.

:)

[Sachita]

If its someone I don't know or care about I might blow up. I don't really harbor the anger but will rip you a new asshole if you fuck with me. If I love and care about you then I'll step away, think things over and decide the weight of them and or the best course of action.

I am the type of person that can get angry, blow up and in an hour its as if it never happened. I totally move on. I might be a bit more form with deception tho and although I forgive I rarely forget.

[Blade]

Naaa if I blow up, then I'm mad for a bit. I am beginng to think it depends on how often I am in contact and in how close quarts I have to be with the person and of course what they've done to upset me. Normally I'm good to go after a few hours but not always. Sometimes I am glad I don't even have to see the person for a week or month or year. Give me an hour or two to sort it out and I'll be back to normal.

[macele]

In a controversy the instant we feel anger we have already ceased striving for the truth, and have begun striving for ourselves.Buddha

Years ago, I took a conflict management for women course for my job. I learned that conflict is inevitable and if you repress your anger or hold it in, it will come out eventually as passive-aggressive behavior. So, I try to get it out on the table and talk about it, keeping in mind the above quote.

i like this from houstonhunny.

sometimes we need to be in the moment of anger. it may very well be our stand-up for ourselves time. say what we feel

but we know there's a line. we certainly can't let it get to mental and physical abuse.

and, sometimes we need to just walk away.

balance.

i wish you well, sassy.

[Rivkeh]

Ha! If I see you angry I'll keep my toes away from those heels!


http://i41.tinypic.com/2igg2fm.gif

...I don't get angry at just anyone :superfunny:

[Midnight]

...I don't get angry at just anyone :superfunny:

Good to know, but I think I'll still be wary Sunday :P

[sarahwho]

Hmmm, how to explain.

If it's my mother or my son, I yell. There is something about their personalities that makes my blood boil and I blow - like dropping nitro - boom!

At work.......I get super, super quiet. But I tend to have a bite to any comments I make for several hours. If pushed continually, I snap at them, and then leave so that I can cry. I always cry after I get mad, always!

Other people, I just shut up! I get super, super quiet and back off!

In a relationship, I tend to panic and get away from the situation as fast as possible until I "deem" it safe to return.

I guess I am a complicated person sometimes.....sigh. :blink:

[sylvie]

When i get angry about something, i step away from the situation or the person a bit and get myself back together.. i'm not a fighter, so for me i tend to figure it all out on the inside, and then i deal with the situation rationally, somehow.. if i can make peace or find forgiveness, that's what i work for..

But, if i can't, rather than stew in the stress or negativity of it, i will distance myself and move forward when that is possible.. But in terms of defending myself or the ones i love, then i will voice myself and then i'll shake it off, embrace the ones i love & defend and move forward..

i just don't have room in my life for anger, or dwelling on it.. i forgive easily in most instances.. Life is short.. And if i can't forgive it must be something big and probably is something i need to step away from altogether..

[Hollylane]

Never go to bed angry......

[scootebaby]

i prefer to be left alone until i can get things under control....sadly most ppl wanna just keep pushing and pushing til i lose my damn mind...yelling and screaming...storming off,slamming doors....its not a pretty site!

[bright_arrow]

More often than not I keep it to myself, and fume/huff/zone out while I cope with it.

Some things I need to hash over in my mind, others I will keep quiet but still continue with the hostile vibes.. very rarely do I come right out at that instant and bring it to the forefront. I stay quiet because I have to look it over and see, is it me and my mood today? Or was it something the other person should not have done?

Today is a good example. I woke up on the 'wrong side' of the bed + cramps + sore body from working out = grumpy bitch. Anything that I can ignore on a good day set me off in an instant. Loud/repetitive noises really grind on me and there are cases where I put on headphones or go in another room and read to try and curb my moodiness.

I think we all need our own "re-charge time", and if I spend all my time doing stuff without the occasional day in, pajama's, no need to go anywhere, I get frazzled. Eventually it builds until I snap :|

I don't want to speak entirely for my partner but I will say that hy has a temper, and when hy snaps hy gets loud. I do not respond well to people who do - I instantly shut down and look for the closest escape..however, there are the few instances where I get snarky passive-aggressive.. I will have to mull over it to see why there are the differences. :|

[RNguy]

I find the best way is to just say " honey I'm going to mow the grass and weed eat " that away I can mumble while the noise from the mower and weed eater drowns out what I mumble :) its a win win scenerio bc its thinking time for both girl and boi or boy . Boi or boy gets to sweat some energy . Girl gets to do whatever she does ( calls someone probably or turn on tlc or paints nails " I don't know I'm kidding there " ) but then when all is tame , then hopefully some loving gets done to make up - RNguy

[Lady Pamela]

I don't like to say things I will regret..soooo...I like to step away, clear my mind and come back later to discuss the issue.
But most people have a hard time honoring that.

[Sassy]

Hijacking my own thread 'cause I need somewhere to vent about the crazy.........
-----------------------------------

Just the facts:
In our home there are 2 bathrooms. Mine, which is the larger one that stays generally clean and presentable for company. And Hers, which is off the bedroom and I don't set foot in because she lives like a bachelor.

Set scene:
I'm on the couch, in pain with stomach cramps, doped up on percoset... I've been this way for 3 days. I'm in pain. I'm stoned. I'm one pitiful gal. Hair ain't been washed. Same PJs as I put on when I got home from the ER 2 days earlier, which is where I got the Percoset. I'm asleep. OK, more like comatose. I only wake up to dash to the bathroom. You see, I spent time at the ER in agony with stomach cramps because of stomach ulcers from stress. (Me? Stressed? Imagine that...) On top of that, the recent visit with family brought me into contact with my adorable, germ-toting nephews. So there's the scene. Pitiful, ulcer-having, stomach-bug sick me, on the couch, in a drug-induced coma....

Enter Significant Other:
Speaking in loud, short words as if she's ranting to an idiot child..... "IF YOU USE ALL OF THE TOILET PAPER YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO OPEN A NEW PACK AND PUT A NEW ROLL ON THE STAND. IT'S IN THE CLOSET. IN CASE YOU WEREN'T AWARE OF WHERE WE KEEP THE TOILET PAPER." *stomps off, (supposedly to now put the toilet paper on the fancy TP rack in MY bathroom... you know, the germ-infested room of doom that she never otherwise uses until today...)*

It took me a full 2 or 3 minutes to process what had just happened. And then I rolled over and closed my eyes again to endure more stomach cramps.

A few hours later I pointed out that she was a jerk. She grudgingly apologized for waking me up but continued to assert that she had cause to complain. (Huh?!)

:seeingstars:

[Trey339]

Its best to say nothing in anger,,,if you happen to find yourself there one day,,, walk away,,,keep your dignity and self respect,,, you can always say it later,,, but you cant take words back once theyre said

[mariamma]

Loudly. And I annunciate well in order that the listener may understand my words. Honestly, if I get to that point, you better make sure to listen well. If not, you might want to put some distance between us.

[Daktari]

Badly.....

[pajama]

Usually with alot of expletives.

[*Anya*]

I work hard to verbalize how I am feeling and to be thoughtful about it. I can be reactive and do know this about myself so I am always paying attention to how I feel and to make sure I don't respond out of anger.

It makes it so much easier to have a partner that actually listens, evaluates what I have to say and does not become defensive.

When both involved do that, without defensiveness, resolution can occur and everyone feels heard.

I never hit below the belt, have power struggles or use knowlege of vulnerabilities as a weapon. That kind of ugliness will surely destroy a relationship and can never be forgiven.

Compromise is everything in a functional and loving relationship to me.

[JustJo]

I don't deal well with anger....not my own, and especially not that of others.

I can and will talk about anything...and I'm one that likes to actually understand and resolve and talk out an issue. For me, walking away and coming back to say all is fine....isn't fine...because nothing has been understood or resolved.

I will only scream and shout when I feel cornered or attacked. Generally, even when mad, I prefer to talk...although, if I'm really angry (or hurt) I will also be crying at the same time.

Now....when I'm angry at life, rather than a person....watch out. I have a mouth like a sailor, and have been known to raise a dinner plate over my head and launch it at the floor as hard as possible. :blink:

[Bard]

Desd was correct I do have a temper a bad one and when I was younger lets just say it got me into trouble. I try to keep in tightly controlled but as I get upset or angry I do tend to get louder. I can see this really effects Desd when this happens and that has been like a trigger for me showing me I am being stupid and I am causing her distress and a lot of times now it will make me stop and think cause I do not want her to feel like that. I try watch what I say because I KNOW to well words spoken in anger can never be taken back and I have far to many regrets. so I bottle and there are times I just have to go walk and decompress. in my worst days I would hit something inanimate and I have the scars to prove it. I also cry yeah and that has been used against me in the past so really if I am to that point I feel like a caged animal and I need to get away. I am also aware that I have a daughter who looks up to me and I want to be a good example yes there are times my ex her bio mom pushes my buttons big time but I have to control it. slowly I am finding my way I know that my anger and how I deal with it effects others and mostly the ones I love so I have to leash it

[Novelafemme]

Never go to bed angry......

I used to swear by this, but as I get older and more in touch with the me that happens to process anger/issues/drama differently...I've come to accept that sometimes it's OK to go to bed angry.

When someone roars at me in anger (which really ever happens) I will 99.999% of the time retreat. It triggers old shit in my brain that signals a fight or flight response and only when physically threatened will I fight. My secondary response to being over-stimulated in such a manner is bizarre, but again, it's just me and I've come to accept it. I get very, VERY sleepy. I become like a little newborn who goes to sleep once you step foot into a busy grocery store. My brain just powers down and literally shuts off.

So, when things get heated I have learned that I need a little time and space before my brain can wrap itself around the situation. Otherwise, you'll find me curled up on the floor or in bed sound asleep.

If I get mad, I go for a walk. It always helps. (w)

[adorable]

This is such an interesting thread. Anger is one of those things that for me, is not an emotion by itself, rather the combination of other emotions. Usually, based in some sort of fear and combined with something else. If I am angry, really angry, I get quiet. I am one of those people that doesn't act on it. Luckily, it's rare that I ever get angry about something.

No good ever comes from a place of anger. Being heated or upset is a different story. Actual anger is more of a demon where rational thought is lost. The older I get, the more I see everything as choices and feel less need for discussion. Normally, I am likely to say what I'm thinking right at the moment that I feel it. Not always such a great idea generally. In that moment though, it's what I happened to think. In anger, that would be the worst thing to ever do. There are times that not speaking is far better than talking things through. And I'm fond of just letting things go. Sometimes, you both just really had a bad day and it wasn't more or less or something to be read into.

When I feel the need to talk things through, because I like to analyze behavior, I generally need to cut that out. lol. No matter what I'm feeling, the best thing for me is to get quiet and sort myself out internally. When I am attempting (in a relationship) to get another person to talk to me, it's usually because I want to hear what they're thinking and change it to suit me. It's a control issue, not a discussion. One that keeps the focus off of me, where it should be. I spent several years with someone who was unable (which is different than unwilling) to discuss or process feelings at all. What I discovered was that it didn't matter. Honestly, how we feel at one moment can be entirely different then how we are going to feel tomorrow at the exact same time. Sleep alone changes things. I usually know (thank you therapy) immediately what I'm feeling and the best way for ME to process that. Everyone is different. My thinking that people process like I do isn't fair or true.

Anger is also fleeting. A feeling that passes, like all other feelings, AS LONG AS, I don't act on it. Unlike other feelings, it's one that by acting on it, will create more feelings. It's easy to go from a dust storm to a tornado and not know how you got there. I stop it when the dust starts to rise. It's not complicated for me. I just cut it out and don't go there. I can shut down completely. I have control over that today, that ability to chose when and where, which some people think is a bad thing. Not me. It also means that I can see it when it happens in someone else. For me, the worst thing is to be crowded. The more pressure, the more likely I'll withdraw. Most of us come around if we're left a lone for a while.

It's funny because I will say things like "I'm so mad right now," or "I hate this," or "This pisses me off," but only when I'm not angry, just upset. If I was angry someone would likely never know. Anger in myself is a place I take seriously. I talk in extremes generally because that is how I learned to talk, my feelings are not that way. I generally say "I hate" a lot which for some people is one of those words that is reserved for the lowest of the lowest of the lowest of everything. I use it to signify a more general dislike of something. As in, "I hate lemon meringue pie." (true story)

[Mr Nice Guy]

I get quiet. I dont yell unless I have to. I like to take the time to think my thoughts thru then I'll tell you why I'm mad.

[Rox]

Sometimes people can say things they regret when so angry your mouth over rules your brain. But, I deal with it by just walking away and thinking before saying the wrong thing. There are ways to communicate if you think before screaming out hurtful words. Words are powerful and you can't take back what you say to love ones but can be forgiven.)

[Miss Scarlett]

It depends upon why i am angry and with whom. i prefer to choose my battles. i'm a Libra and need balance. So if there is a way to calmly discuss things i will do so.

i don't believe in screaming or yelling. It's counterproductive. i believe in telling the other party i am angry and if able to do so will discuss it then. If not then i will let them know i need to cool off before we talk about it.

Sometimes there is just no way to communicate with the other person because you know they've made up their mind and will not listen to anything you have to say. Sometimes that type of person, rather than looking for discussion or resolution, is instead looking to feed off any attempts to discuss the matter or defend/explain yourself. (i see this at work a lot) This is when it's best (for me) to just walk away. When things cool off and the dust settles there may be resolution or restoration but that will depend on what was said/done. If the other person has been really nasty/ugly then the chance for that is less than slim to none.

[Ginger]

Anger is also fleeting. A feeling that passes, like all other feelings, AS LONG AS, I don't act on it. Unlike other feelings, it's one that by acting on it, will create more feelings. It's easy to go from a dust storm to a tornado and not know how you got there. (true story)

I love your metaphor of anger as a dust storm or tornado and it feels right—anger is like a hot wind that takes the breath out of your mouth.

But for me, anger isn't fleeting. If I don't express it—and I try to use my verbal skills—it doesn't go away, it goes underground, and emerges later as self-hatred. I internalize the angry person's view of me, and start to sink into a place where I'm not sure who I am.

I've learned to recognize that process, and my problem-solving skills kick in. I'm good at finding validation outside of the interpersonal dynamic where the anger arose, and I've found that validation from any healthy place can help me climb back up to a happier place.

[Viola]

Hello Leigh,

That must be so difficult dealing with your father who's the only one who can be angry and no one else can...

What was your grandparents like, any similarities to how your father treats you all?

Some times I've notice how behaviors happens from one generation to another...

Have you notice this or is your father behavior he's the only one you know of with all your realitives...

Sue


I'm the kind of person where if I so get angry, I tend to repress it because most of My life thats what I've done. One of the biggest drawbacks about living at home with my father is that he is very good at making Me repress any anger that I may feel towards him, especially since his attitude is only he is allowed to get angry and no one else is. He has always said that if I don't like what he has to say, then there is the door I can leave. I've had to repress My feelings time and time again, so whether I'm angry or upset I generally keep it inside ~ I know thats not good but luckily after abit of time it goes away

[Viola]

That is so true about finding that validation from any healthy place can help...

Some times I've notice its not always easy to find that healthy place to validate, especially if ones anger is stem from an extreme unique situation...

Also timing too, meaning how long does it take to find this healthy place to validate.

Have you ever been in that situation where you either couldn't find that healthy place to validate, and or if you thought you found this place, were you ever not understood?

Sue


I love your metaphor of anger as a dust storm or tornado and it feels right—anger is like a hot wind that takes the breath out of your mouth.

But for me, anger isn't fleeting. If I don't express it—and I try to use my verbal skills—it doesn't go away, it goes underground, and emerges later as self-hatred. I internalize the angry person's view of me, and start to sink into a place where I'm not sure who I am.

I've learned to recognize that process, and my problem-solving skills kick in. I'm good at finding validation outside of the interpersonal dynamic where the anger arose, and I've found that validation from any healthy place can help me climb back up to a happier place.

[Ginger]

That is so true about finding that validation from any healthy place can help...

Some times I've notice its not always easy to find that healthy place to validate, especially if ones anger is stem from an extreme unique situation...

Also timing too, meaning how long does it take to find this healthy place to validate.

Have you ever been in that situation where you either couldn't find that healthy place to validate, and or if you thought you found this place, were you ever not understood?

Sue


I think we all have at least one or two successful parts of our lives to focus on, when a bad relationship or some situation with a lot of destructive anger is threatening our state of mind.

I'm lucky to have a lot of external validation for my writing. I write web articles for a living, and my fine arts writing is well published and awarded. When I'm spiraling into depression because of anger I either can't express or feel (wrongly, of course), that I can't escape, I go back to my writing, and put myself in places where it will be validated, which makes ME feel validated.

So no, I guess I've never been in the situation you describe of not being able to find a healthy place in which to find validation, when stuck in an unhealthy dynamic of some sort. At least not in the last several years. In fact I literally write my way out of most crises.

[~ocean]

there so many ways and situations we can become angry in ..in work or a buisness situation i become very porfessional and articulate every word, at home w/ family i sat what i have to say and walk away .. w. my grandson i talk to him .. w. a lover . i get a bit fresh then I refrain .. till i'm not mad anymore.

[Girl_On_Fire]

My reaction to anger depends on the situation. I can get hurt very easily. I also have a lot of difficulty understanding verbal instructions and certain social cues so I get confused and frustrated a lot. This can make communication difficult. I'm definitely a screamer if I get triggered so if I really want to help resolve an issue, I need to write down how I feel and communicate via letter or nothing I say will make sense and I won't understand anything the other person is saying either.

[imperfect_cupcake]

irritation, etc I keep my calm. Actual anger? I get defensive, upset, and more than likely cry. I don't do anger well. It's not something I experience much and never for long. but when I do feel pushed into anger, it's usually from feeling cornered, misunderstood and ignored. then I freak out usually by speaking very loudly and crying. I panic.

If it's really bad anger I go absolutely quiet.

If my brain explodes into a rage I either shriek at them incomprehensively or I turn and leave.

It really depends on who is making me angry though. My detached wife gets the defensive snot tone... then the icy silence... then the crying... then I lose it and start shrieking. She's finally learning to leave me alone at the icy silence stage, five years on...

[Duchess]

I tend to be calmer and give more thought to my words so that I'm clearly understood. Shouting and screaming never helps any situation.:byebye:


Duchess

[Angeltoes]

There has been nobody who angers me much in a long time anyway. My kids are the only ones who I could potentially yell at, but that's so damaging to kids so I don't. If my 7-year-old won't listen to me I remove his favorite things from his room or tell him what the punishment is and that's usually effective. That's life when you have children. My anger is probably visible, but relatively calm. Even if someone is yelling at me, I walk away. If I express anger it comes out in snarky, bitchy or sarcastic comments, I may smirk and be silent or cry depending on the situation and sometimes I don't even realize what I'm doing until it's been done. I guess you could call it passive-aggressive. It's not constructive but that's what I do. I wish I could say I communicate my anger well, but like Gemme, my role models were not good. My background is also Italian/Latin and it's true that there is a tendency toward very 'passionate' expression in those cultures. I personally was screamed at constantly as a kid, but I was very withdrawn and didn't fight back very often. I'm jumpy and sensitive and I overreact all the time, but I let out anger very slowly. My passion is expressed in the bedroom instead. :sunglass:

Some people won't even analyze or be honest with themselves and have no desire to improve, but nobody is perfect and the first step, I think, is a willingness to admit that no matter how old we get we all need to grow and evolve and never think we're done changing .

[Darbonaire]

When I am truly angry...dark, blood red angry...I speak very softly....sort of through my teeth actually. You don't want to be around me or hear that tone....it happens seldom....very seldom....

I have noticed that when I am not living true to myself....when I am doing something that isn't right for me but I do it to please someone else, or just do it to get it over with...I can only lie to myself for so long then I explode....unfortunately, it is often directed at the wrong person...it should be directed at myself.....it has caused some problems these last few years.....I have found that physical activity helps......breaking 2x4's over boulders is great....lol.....some friends of mine suggest throwing raw eggs against a wall as hard as you can.

I have become ...over the last few years....a "yeller"...it isn't becoming OR productive...I've made some changes now that should aleviate a lot of what was causng me anger so....onward & upward, right?

[SaltyButch]

I am not one to get angry very often but if I do, I become very quiet and will most likely remove myself from the situation and say I can't talk at that moment and go somewhere and cry. Once I have composed myself I will talk with the person, speaking deliberately so they hear what I am saying and I in turn will listen and hear what it is they have to say.

The likelihood that I will get that angry is very slim as I am a communicator and like to address things before they reach the boiling point, so my calm easy manner serves me well.

[Soon]

In my family, anger was never taught or modelled as being a healthy expression of how one felt.

I think this was especially true for the women in my family (three daughters--one brother--who was the oldest). Aggression (unfortunately, even physical) was sometimes ok for my dad and my brother, but I was one of the only one of the daughters of three, who ranted and raged as a teenager and fought the perceived injustices of my family. I actually think my *acting out* was better than one sister who, I think, internalized all her anger at certain aspects of our childhood and was fraught with eating disorders and a severe depression.

I still am dealing with the ramifications of being *that* middle child who rebelled. I think that teenage rebellion was, in part, being so frustrated, so angry, that there was no healthy means of communication to express any emotions about shit that happened in our family.


Every vulnerable emotion in my family was tight -- emotions under wrap (love or anger or hurt) -- especially as something as vulnerable and revealing as expressing anger. There were a lot of silences, unspoken words and tension in my childhood household.

Unfortunately, not having any ways to express anger, as a child, manifests into now avoiding this emotion whereby I sometimes suppress it or it comes out at random times in ways that are not accessible to a partner. I have, in the past, chosen someone whose anger is greater than mine (about life or whatever). It is easier for me to deal with theirs so I don't have to face mine anymore? Usually, I will choose to be with someone where I KNOW it will be really peaceful--whether they have anger or not--we both know to be mostly calm and no explosions and find ways to work around the usual anger stuff that comes up in relos.

So, getting back to the question--umm. I don't yell. I withdraw. Sometimes too much. But, sometimes, I need just a bit of space and secretly hope they come back to me and ask me about stuff and make sure I'm alright. That sounds a bit selfish. If they don't do that, I usually always crawl out of my hole and find a way to talk about it.

[BrutalDaddy]

I DID NOT SAY THAT! WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M YELLING. NO I'M NOT!



That's The Gist Of It,
Brute.

[cinnamongrrl]

Ahem.... I will be the FIRST to admit that I don't communicate well when I am angry. I blame my DNA. I am Irish, French and Italian....all bad tempers. When I am angry I need to process. That typically means I need to remove myself from the situation and settle things in my mind before I open my mouth. That works best for me since I do tend to bring out the big verbal guns when I'm upset. Giving myself time and distance gives me the chance to figure out what's REALLY bothering me. Chances are it's not even the situation at hand. That's why percolating is soo important.

[easygoingfemme]

Kind of depends on who/what I'm angry with.

I'm not quick to anger, that's for sure.

My natural first approach is to communicate what has made me angry, why, and what I would like to see happen about it- or communicate the problem and see (if there is another direct person involved) what they have in response. End goal being peaceful resolution.

If they get defensive/yell- I let it be known I won't communicate like that and ask for the situation to be revisited when a rational discussion can happen.

If it's a situation with a person trying to provoke anger in me, I've learned to practice non-reaction. Which is hard because I might be reacting strongly inside but have made the choice not to feed the fire when it's just someone who is feeling a need to argue with me.

If it's an external situation over which I have no power, I remind myself that it's not a situation over which I have control and work toward accepting it and deciding how I will let it impact me.

[Darbonaire]

I DID NOT SAY THAT! WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M YELLING. NO I'M NOT!



That's The Gist Of It,
Brute.

Great answer ^5....LOL

[femmsational]

I grit my teeth and spit out words. That is if I'm REALY angry.

I so rarely get angry that I don't really know my angry communication style.

LOL!! I have been told I turn into a sailor. I curse a lot anyway but I guess when I'm really mad, I come up with some doozeys.

Interesting thread.

PS...I've also been told that i get this really small smile. The Brutal One does NOT like this smile.

[Ginger]

I'm lucky to have a lot of external validation for my writing. I write web articles for a living, and my fine arts writing is well published and awarded.


OMG I sound so pompous LOL I'm really not.

Wow, I was in such a bad place when I wrote that post. I've moved since then, gotten out of a situation that was destroying me. I really was fighting for my self esteem and sense of value and hope back then. Now I realize it was there all along.

[spritzerJ]

I grit my teeth and spit out words. That is if I'm REALY angry.

I so rarely get angry that I don't really know my angry communication style.

LOL!! I have been told I turn into a sailor. I curse a lot anyway but I guess when I'm really mad, I come up with some doozeys.

Interesting thread.

PS...I've also been told that i get this really small smile. The Brutal One does NOT like this smile.

Okay when I get angry I usually want to write or I talk a lot. I can go for hours. I get very literal and specific. It becomes crystal clear to me... and no one else.

I curse tons. If I am saying the same thing 2 or more times then I am really trying to stop myself from going further and saying more. cause it isn't pretty.

And that small smile, smirk, et.... ya um it is me deciding someone is going down. So it isn't going to go well. And so when I get to that point I try to stop myself hard.

[femmsational]

Okay when I get angry I usually want to write or I talk a lot. I can go for hours. I get very literal and specific. It becomes crystal clear to me... and no one else.

I curse tons. If I am saying the same thing 2 or more times then I am really trying to stop myself from going further and saying more. cause it isn't pretty.

And that small smile, smirk, et.... ya um it is me deciding someone is going down. So it isn't going to go well. And so when I get to that point I try to stop myself hard.


LOL!! That's exactly right. When it gets to the point that the "smile" comes out, it's usually about the time I'm trying to figure out how to get rid of the body. Have to rein back REAL quick. hehehe

I get the crystal clear to you part. I'm the same way. But I always assume it's because they are just too stupid to figure out the truth. Remember, this is when I'm angry, not rational :hamactor:

[Glenn]

Well, it depends who it's with. If it's with my alpha femme boss who pays me, well....I would look awed, be patient, peaceful, listen attentively, agree with it all, (even if I don't believe a word of it), let it slide, tell her I can handle it, everything is fine, fix it, business as usual.
If it's with someone else I rarely see to argue with, yelling would work really well, but that is reserved for special occasions. It's usually, "I'll talk to you later", or "I'll think about it." and leave.
If it's with someone who has been regularly abusive, before I leave, I will treat them as they treat me, involve others, if it gets rough call 911, and bring it in the open. Nothing like sunshine to disinfect abuse.

[imperfect_cupcake]

There is one person that can actually yell at me, while angry, upset me to the point of crying yet still some how eventually make me laugh while she is yelling.

OHMYGODBARB SHUT.UP.!!!! NO! SHUT.IT!... AHHHHHHH!!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! STOP FUCKING INTERUPTING ME AND IF YOU DONT SHUT THE FUCK I WILL PUSH MY FIST UP YOUR ARSE!!!! (Previously getting wobbly lipped as soon as she says "I will push my fist up your arse", I know she's frustrated rather than freak out angry and I calm down and sometimes even smile)

When I yell back OHMYGOD YOU ARE FUCKING IRRITATING THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF ME WHY IS IT THAT I HAVE TO YELL AT YOU LIKE YOU ARE A FOUR YEAR OLD AND YOU WILL FUCKING LISTEN TO ME BUT IF I ACT RESPECTFUL YOU TURN INTO A COMPLETE DICKHEAD WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

she: whatevvvvverrrrrrrrrr

me: stop that. I fucking hate that word. You say that one more time -

she: whateverrrrrrrrrrrrr!

me: (hey name in explatives)!!!!! STOP IT!!!!

she: whaaaat.ever.

and suddenly I'm smirking and calling her a shithead and giggling. Anyone else I'd go mental. Sometimes I really do see a trickster god prancing about in hooves teaching me a lesson about my own tolerances. And for some reason, I always feel really greatful for that, even when I want to throw her off a bridge.

[Kätzchen]

I can relate to the idea of HoneyBarbara's - the one about throwing someone off a bridge! When I was younger, 20's to late thirties, I seemed to be more on the reactionary side in an argument; whether the argument was with someone like a stranger or someone I knew but didn't know really well to people I'd be in an argument with - like someone in my family.

I got so angry with a persistent condition in my own family that my anger led me to stop talking to all of them for a rather long period of time - like ten years or better.

I'd have to say that lately, like over the past ten years or so, the way I handle my own anger or my own behavior when involved in an argument, mostly has been shaped by obtaining a formal education and learning to harness my own actions or reactions or inactions in a less agressive kind of way. And it didn't happen overnight but rather it took the better part of the last ten years to figure out how to leash my own anger and try to not be so reactive. I am not totally healed of my former abilities - I doubt I ever will be...

But, I guess the way I handle being angry now is primarily managed by a 'booby-trap' system of my own making in that I know what my triggers are, what causes me to be angry and what I do, which has taken me quite a bit of time and practice to nail it down, is to go into quite commando trance (for lack of a better way to describe it) and sit quietly as possible or even take myself out of the whole scenario and ask myself some really intense questions and map out a way to be as sweetly and unpredictably as disarming as possible, when solving why I am so angry.

[ahk]

I don't communicate when I'm angry. I just wait til I'm calm and then I speak--

[Novelafemme]

I go for a walk.

It always works.

If someone told me to "shut up" we would no longer be friends/a couple/partners. It's just not ok.

[kissinfemme]

When angry, I don't speak. Words hurt, can't be taken back & will rattle around in your head/heart forever, so.... I just don't & will wait till I'm calm.

[Okiebug61]

I was taught years ago in a management class to always count to 100 before opening one's mouth. I believe it is the samething as engaging one's brain before opening one's mouth. If I had to confess how many times I have counted to 100 I imagine it would circle the planet more than once :-). 1,2,3,4,5 etc.

[bigbutchmistie]

I really dont say anything. I just become really quite. When I get done being mad then Im ready to talk about it...

[macele]

you know sometimes we wonder (well i do.) if we've changed. that, "have i changed?" i've changed. i really have. oh my. when i get angry, there is no telling what i will say and do. i can't control it at all. it's unreal how much i've changed. i used to be quiet, walk away. and i used to let things go. i think that i can still do that at times, let it go. but only after i have shook the walls.

[imperfect_cupcake]

It really depends on the dynamic with the person. however, I find it waaaaayyyyyyy easier if people can take the piss (tell me they are going to throw me off a bridge, tell me to shut up [not in an angry Axis of Evil kind of way but a auuuugh I love you but I'm gonna skin you in a minute, kind of way], tell me I am driving them to drink ajax milkshakes etc) because making me and her laugh during those kinds of moments lightens the mood of the frustation. so one can be yelling *and* laughing *and* frustrated *and* actually interested in solving the issue all at the same time, rather than it being all quiet, sparkly and earnest, heavy and super serious. I had a partner who was "respectful" in that way and frankly it felt like discussing a load of old bricks every time some thing "serious" came up. Like talking in a wet lesbian potato sack.

No thanks.

After spending 10 years in the UK and hanging out with Australians, Kiwis, Irish, Welsh, Scot... no. I'd rather have an arsey, fun, laughing, expressive discussion with piss taking where shut up doesn't mean disrespect, it means "offs!"... when me and my mom were barking a bit while I was trying to get her finances done in an excel sheet, she said
"well you'd never make an IT help desk. You are far too aggressive. the boys at the school are much nicer."
"ok mom. would you like me to (suddenly speaking in a gentle customer service voice) help you? well if you would like to just please wait for a moment while I get your - "
Laughing "oh fuck off."
"exactly. now shut up so I can work."

I dunno. I never want to go back to discussions I can't laugh in, no matter how angry I am. I can't take the wet, oh so serious, lesbo drama anymore. Even if we are discussing something very serious. There's a way to mix it. And yes, someone telling me to shut up, fuck off, I'm going to tie you to a railway track in a minute etc, does make me laugh (granted, tone is everything. But you can say "nice" things in a shite tone and it still sounds like cold sick).

I know some people can't cope with that, and I'd never be a good partner for them. They'll find me disrespectful and rude, I'll find them overly dramatic and wet.

Salt for everyone's pepper, luckily.

[DamonK]

In the last few months, this has been... Err... Well, repeated in my life.

7 years ago.... It would have been..."you're right baby" even if my partner were in the wrong

5 years ago, I was spiraling into drug addiction, and increasingly angry. All the write ups at work showed my lack of healthy communication while angry.

3 years ago, silence. I would have just taken it.

In each of these stages, I recognized parts of my childhood. At least me...you said whatever you had to in order to get the yelling to stop. That's not to say I never blew up. I did.

Now, clench my jaw... I may be mad, but it is more likely I'm trying to see your side, and trying to not react until then. I'm very black and white, so this step is very important to me. It helps me learn gray areas.

Sometimes I raise my voice. I try not to because I know how it upsets me when I'm yelled at. However, I've been told.... Me yelling is not a cause for worry....

When you worry is when I go silent. If I go silent, I'm past angry. By then. I'm usually livid. If I reach that point, my suggestion is you stop yelling at me and let me leave. Don't try to engage me. Don't try to apologize. Don't try to talk it out. If I'm silent, I probably can't talk by then. When I can, I will come back and we can talk it out.

When you worry is when you hear a soft "fine". That's generally a sign that silence is coming and you should either change tatics or disengage entirely.

This one has only ever occurred once or twice... A soft "well fuck you then". I'm fixing to blow up.

If I look down, and refuse to look up... I probably can't. If this occurs, you have probably crossed a line, darted back, crossed back over and the words cut me too deep. Or if I happen to cry. It does not happen often, but it does on occasion. If either of these happen, cease fire. You've caused massive damage. Generally if either of these have happened, something entirely irrational has happened. If either of these happen, an apology doesn't fix it. I will accept it if given in good faith, but it by no way means I've forgiven you.

I'm not perfect. I can't say I've always fought fair. But, I'm finding as I get older, I'm willing to try harder to fight fair.

Most often, especially with how black and white I am, I try to walk away until we can talk it out. Anger, while healthy, isn't always healthy. I have the right to be angry. I have the right to vent. I do not have the right to get hateful. I do not have the right to get cruel.

If you happen to get hateful or cruel, that is on you. Not me.

[Kätzchen]

It really depends on the dynamic with the person. however, I find it waaaaayyyyyyy easier if people can take the piss (tell me they are going to throw me off a bridge, tell me to shut up [not in an angry Axis of Evil kind of way but a auuuugh I love you but I'm gonna skin you in a minute, kind of way], tell me I am driving them to drink ajax milkshakes etc) because making me and her laugh during those kinds of moments lightens the mood of the frustation. so one can be yelling *and* laughing *and* frustrated *and* actually interested in solving the issue all at the same time, rather than it being all quiet, sparkly and earnest, heavy and super serious. I had a partner who was "respectful" in that way and frankly it felt like discussing a load of old bricks every time some thing "serious" came up. Like talking in a wet lesbian potato sack.

No thanks.

After spending 10 years in the UK and hanging out with Australians, Kiwis, Irish, Welsh, Scot... no. I'd rather have an arsey, fun, laughing, expressive discussion with piss taking where shut up doesn't mean disrespect, it means "offs!"... when me and my mom were barking a bit while I was trying to get her finances done in an excel sheet, she said
"well you'd never make an IT help desk. You are far too aggressive. the boys at the school are much nicer."
"ok mom. would you like me to (suddenly speaking in a gentle customer service voice) help you? well if you would like to just please wait for a moment while I get your - "
Laughing "oh fuck off."
"exactly. now shut up so I can work."

I dunno. I never want to go back to discussions I can't laugh in, no matter how angry I am. I can't take the wet, oh so serious, lesbo drama anymore. Even if we are discussing something very serious. There's a way to mix it. And yes, someone telling me to shut up, fuck off, I'm going to tie you to a railway track in a minute etc, does make me laugh (granted, tone is everything. But you can say "nice" things in a shite tone and it still sounds like cold sick).

I know some people can't cope with that, and I'd never be a good partner for them. They'll find me disrespectful and rude, I'll find them overly dramatic and wet.

Salt for everyone's pepper, luckily.

I like it that you said, "Salt for everyone's pepper, luckily."
Equally, I liked the "tie you to a railway track in a minute" --
-- witty banter like this is something I miss terribly.

Years ago, I happened to become friends with a young woman (same age as my daughter) while earning my bachelors in college. I remember sitting in class, relentlessly taking my own notes of a lecture in progress and Brynn was sitting across the aisle from me, as I executed my perfect penmanship in strikes of lightening fashion. She was also disrupting my flow. I gave her my best "Femme Death Stare" and an evil smile so she'd know I was kidding, yet deadly serious about her disrupting my method of madness! After class, she was all over me like a sweet baby kitten looking for a mother and that's how we became friends - for the longest time. She's no longer in my life right now but I suspect we'll reconnect somewhere down the road, later in life. She totally got who I was in one single fell swoop and I had totally pinned her style of communication in much the same way. Somehow, it's my belief, the universe brings people to your life exactly when you need them. She had been with her then-current boyfriend since high school days and they were having serious troubles communicating with each other, but he was anything but what she could need in a boyfriend. I remember well, how she'd call me late at night, wanting to be study partners for our expected homework in our class and of course, because I could tell by her voice, inflected with all kinds of silent communicators, revealing what she truly was after: bonding time with a mature person who could help her solve her problems (even if it entailed being stoned to the high heavens!) She'd come over and before we could settle into our method of study hall madness, we'd make something crazy wonderful to eat and while doing exactly that, we'd 'dance' our way through a complicated maze of issues by playfully mocking every single item on her "this is bugging the shit out of me" list, before we could settle down and get to the business at hand (our studies).

It's not everyday that someone like that walks into your life and you bond instantaneously, like Brynn and I did. My boys fell in love with her because she totally got who I was and both my boys fought over her for her affection. I often said to her that my oldest son was the man she needed in her life. The "pepper" to her "salt."

Indeed.

*I'm gonna tie you down to the railroad tracks* (I said exactly that to her once!)

;)

Thank you for evoking sweet memories of the dear young friend I haven't seen in a while.
And thank you for being who you are, HoneyBarbara.
I find candid, authentic, human communication refreshingly beautiful.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Hahahaha!

Yes. that. She sounds fun and open and honest.

I was talking to the head admin at school today. I just had my scholastic interview and was accepted into the school. She said "I was in the UK for two years then in spain for 9."
"oh really!! when did you get back?"
"five months ago."
"wow, so we're in the same boat but yer down the beach aways. How's the weather along there? How are you finding it."
"the thing that bugs me the most? Everyone is so sensitive. you have to verbally walk on egg shells all the time. You can't piss about. You have to be so serious in comparision."

I get what she means. But I had to be on eggs shells in england about being "too friendly" or people would think I was mental. I find I can follow leads for - yes a slightly more gentle piss taking - but most people here like being teased if they can read your body language. But not in a professional manner, which is probably what she was talking about. No piss taking at work, which sucks.

I'm glad you are hosing your brain down with some good memories. I love that!

[NJFemmie]

I think it depends on what I'm angry about or who I am angry with.

I used to blow up and unleash hell, but for the most part, I "try" to remain quiet and calm down first. I've learned from past experiences that the exchange of angry words only causes more problems, confusion and misunderstandings - so I try to breathe, think about things as objectively as I possibly can and engage in rational conversation.

That's what would happen in a perfect world.

My world is not always perfect.

(Thankfully, I haven't been angry in a while....)

[Kätzchen]

Yes, about Brynn being an embracable personality in that she was open and honest - to a fault, almost. Our friendship, in its active state, spanned over 7 years and during those years, early on, we both found out how closely our lives paralled each others: In that, both of us grew up in highly dysfunctional households where marriages between our parents finally imploded under the persistent fire of socially expected rules on how to conduct oneself or control ones' family or any number of social expectations which eventally exacted its toll in the form in a fiery meltdown - the cost of upholding socially held norms.

And that was the thing, a gift is how I think of it. We didn't live in fear of not being ourselves. It seemed as though we could talk about anything and as if by second nature, we could flex our style of communication in whatever form of coping style possible and still hold each other in high esteem because each of us intrinsically knew each other's limit, each other's boundary, and be able to test (I guess one could say) each other's ability to adapt or adopt a particular method that helped either of us to give attention to perplexities or complicated issues, so we could find a particular peace.

That's so nice to hear that you were accepted into school.
Hopefully your school admin won't be too far down the beach.
It sounds like the two of you might share a kindred spirit with each other! :)

[cinderella]

I scream a lot.

[Talon]

I withdraw and disappear.

I don't like to say things that are completely fueled by emotion...So, I take as much time as is needed, to think about what I really think, and what I truly feel.

[Sarafemme]

I have a really hard time dealing with my own anger. For years, I've been "too nice" and when I get mad at someone, I usually end up crying and then withdrawing. That all changed the summer before last.

Just to clarify: I am married (to a man) and have been for the past seven years. I finally admitted my longstanding feelings for women (to myself) a couple of months ago (I had fallen into an emotional affair with an online friend of mine; we had never met in person but my feelings were so strong and it echoed many crushes I had had on various women for years. She hadn't returned the feelings, but had called me out on the crush and basically helped me admit my bisexuality). My marriage is troubled for other reasons, though (though this is certainly a big enough reason in and of itself).

Anyway, the summer of 2011, my husband and I were on an island in a vacation home with 17 other members of his immediate family for one week's time. Everyone generally gets along, but I've always felt like an outsider (they are all Catholic and 'traditional family' types).

So, on this vacation, I was sitting with my laptop in the family room; my husband's dad was napping on the couch. All of a sudden, he awakens from his nap and stares at me as though I am an alien from another planet. I have always had weird vibes from him; like he doesn't like me or disapproves of me in some way. Little did I know just how much. So, he says, "Sara, this might not be any of my business, but have you been having sex with my son?"

I was shocked and didn't know how to respond, but after awhile, I choked out, 'Yes, of course!' (in actuality, it had taken four years for us to consumate our marriage due to my sexual anxiety and his selfishness and temper issues, but I wasn't going to admit that to my father-in-law). Anyway, he said, "Well, you talked about maybe trying for a baby 3-4 years ago; it's been a long time and still no baby. My son is very disappointed and sad and upset; he's depressed and doesn't know what to do. You are a disappointment to him."

Then he stormed out of the room.

I sat there in shock before taking my computer upstairs and promptly bawling my eyes out. I stayed up there for hours. Thankfully, I had a good online friend that I was able to talk to the whole time, which helped immeasurably. My husband finally came upstairs to find me and to ask what was wrong. When I told him what had happened between his dad and me, he was shocked and said he had never said anything to his father about our problems, and that he would go downstairs and confront him. So, he did, and was gone for at least 2 hours. When he came back upstairs to find me, he said, "Do you want to leave me?" (I told him I certainly felt like it, but we were on an island and none of the ferries were leaving at that time of night). Then he said, "My dad says he's sorry; he's actually crying and feels awful; so, can you forgive him?'

That got my blood boiling. As if it was as simple a matter as "sorry" and "I forgive you". I told him that his dad would have to say it to my face, and further, there would be no guarantee I would forgive him then or ever, though perhaps with time I could. This upset my husband: 'He said he was sorry; what else do you want from him!' He then defended himself, saying all he had told his father about us was, 'My wife and I are having issues' and that his father had somehow guessed what those issues were. He said, "My father doesn't speak for me."

The next morning, I refused to join them for breakfast, and so my husband's mother came upstairs to try and smooth things over. She apologized for her husband's behavior and said he'd had too much to drink the previous night and didn't mean what he'd said. She said that, "My son loves you; we all love you" I told him, "If your son loves me, he certainly has a questionable way of showing it!' At this point, I was still crying a little, but I was able to state my case with true anger rather than passivity, probably for the first time. Thankfully, this marked the final day of the vacation. As we were leaving, my father-in-law, looking ashamed, came up to the car and said, "I'm sorry, Sara; I hope we can work through this." I just nodded as we left; it was a long 7-hour drive home. My husband barely said two words to me.

Now, our relationship is civil but that's it. I still have a feeling he doesn't approve of me. My husband and I are in marriage counseling for issues beyond just this (my questions about my sexuality have not come up; I'm still keeping this to myself, and to this forum). My husband is working on his temper issues, but gets upset if I raise my voice even a little "Don't yell at me!' he whines like a child. This just goes to show for how long I've kept my unpleasant feelings at bay. It's a work in progress, but I'm trying to be more authentic to my feelings, good or bad.

[Tuff Stuff]

But I guess mostly, I'm curious. How do some of you handle anger? Does anyone else out there have issues similar to either of ours? If so, how have you handled communication in relationships?

Listening is important in my relationship.I listen anytime she wants to talk,listen only,that's the trick for me and not try to fix 'it'.She's venting and my job is to listen.When i'm angry the last thing i want is to talk,i like to be alone and not get her involved.I won't bag doors or yell,that will disrupt the whole house.When i'm done figuring it all out she'll ask if i'm okay and I tell her yes,over and done.

[cinnamongrrl]

This is simple. I don't. I don't communicate when I'm angry. (or at least I shouldn't)
I get quiet...and I percolate. And if given the time to do such, I work it out in my head.
I live by the mantra, if it's not going to bother me a day/week/month from now...then let it go. BUT, it takes time for me to arrive at that logical conclusion.
When I'm angry/upset, I need time to diffuse...to come down from that place. I know it is the yin and yang of feeling ALL my emotions so intensely. But, I take the good with the bad. And there's far more good than bad. I just need to keep reminding myself of that...

:praying:

[Happyfemme]

I don't get angry very often. When I do get angry I always try to get to the root of what is making me angry. I try to problem solve whatever the issue is by looking at myself. I never yell or scream in fact my voice becomes even calmer and softer as I work through the issue. I am always open to talking if the other person wants to talk. If the other person is not ready to talk I'm fine with that too. It always helps me if the other person simply says I know everything will be fine I just need to be quiet for now. If the person is not able to do that I'm ok with that too. I just feel a little better if they do say something like that.

[CA_BabyCakes]

Anger always turns into hurt for me. I'm a big talker, when I'm angry/hurt i have to keep talking until i feel better. This would probably annoy some people, but its the only way i can overcome things.

[Kätzchen]

When I'm upset or something causes me to feel angry, right as I am blowing all my 'gaskets' :| .... I think what describes me best is that I'm like a star that's dangling in the heavens, sparkling like a silent firecracker.

I become very quiet.


As much as I like to think that I'm listening to what's being said or to what is not being said, my process is sometimes circumvented by my own thinking processes that are trying to make sense out of what is upsetting me or causing me to feel angry. When this happens, most often I just quietly shut down.

[Greco]

Directly.


Greco

[Girl_On_Fire]

I think it's important to look at the cause of the anger. For example, if I'm angry about something that's going on in the world, I can get up on my soap box and be very passionate and opinionated. If I'm angry at something somebody said because I feel insulted, I might get quiet and just stare in disbelief because I can't speak. If you've triggered me, fear and pain is what leads to the anger and that can get ugly. I try to talk things out with people calmly and rationally but if I'm dealing with an unreasonable or uncaring person, I won't communicate with them unless I have no choice. If I have to communicate, there is a lot of swearing, hollering, crying, and irrational behavior. So, in other words, I don't communicate, I turn into a frightened, caged animal. Never good.

[Rockinonahigh]

I try very haard not to get to the point of anger,I would rather sitdaow then discus the issue and then work it out if anyway possable.On therare occasion I do get angry I just leave the room till the other party calmes down,I realise walkinh out of the room sets some folks off the wrong way but truely it's the best way to not get into a knock down chouting match wich I hate to be in.I grew up in a family that rarely had a kind word for each other unless they wanted something.When I had done my duity to my mother even then it took a while for me to compleatly getaway from all the b.s.At times I remeind myself I am nolonger in a negetive place....old scars are long in healing...I refuse to pass that pain to another.

[SirenManda]

I've noticed when I get angry, I go silent. I back away and physically get away from anyone who upset me. I can be very hurtful and tend to lash out when someone upsets me, I've learned this about myself and now I make space between myself and who ever theres tension with until I can emotionally calm down.

[MrSunshine]

It depends on the level of bullshit or jackassery I'm dealing with. If it's a big dose I am bound to explode. Which really has only happened at the V.A
fuck wits!

[traumaqueen]

Hulk smash!

[Gemme]

1hPxGmTGarM

[CyberStud]

http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/736x/2d/5d/bb/2d5dbbb65d87429a53749d47bfcce960.jpghttp://static.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/MjAxMy1iZWIyOTQzZDEwNGNkMjkz.png

[Prudence]

If the anger is aimed at me.. to make me feel less than... I do the "well sorry you feel that way .. but Im sure Ive had worse said to me and about me by better people"

p.s. That usually leaves them with their mouth open as I walk out.

[bright_arrow]

It depends on the person, the topic at hand.

I've never been much of a physical person, or yelling. I shut down, I get quiet, I try to remove myself. Sometimes it builds up so much it is literally impossible for me to talk. Being continually confronted and pushed at this point, I start to seethe and detest the person pushing me on, particularly when they know how I react and try to keep me there without letting me walk out.

When it's quick irritation/dislike, I can be sarcastic and give off "vibes". If you can't pick up on what I clearly perceive as wrong, I likely won't say anything until some time has passed/we're not in that situation and then say "Hey, you know earlier? I didn't like ________".

If it's through text I will set it down and ignore it until I can settle my emotions and be kind without being snappy and aggressive.

If someone is quick to make a worse case scenario before they even clarify/inform me something is wrong, it triggers an instant F U attitude and I have to really repress it.

ETA: If all else fails, loud screaming rock music via headphones [no, seriously]. Quite likely with my head under a pillow or three.

[princessbelle]

Like most people who have posted, it depends...on a lot. As in; who, what, when, where and how.

But, i believe the wording is the key in this question and it is all about communication. If things can be communicated, generally, i've found two people, or more than two, or employers can at least agree to disagree. And with that communication MUST come listening and caring what the other person is trying to convey.

If communication does not work and things are still heated, after trying and trying and trying....I simply shut down, totally. No going back for me. When it gets to that point. I'm done either with the conversation, situation or people.

Case in point: I worked for a Nursing Agency for 14 years. I loved the job and the people i worked with and my patients. As time went on, they were more and more about the bottom line and less and less about patient care. Now, this is a not for profit agency, just to be clear. Either way though, even if had been for profit, the way they started treating their employees and patients was despicable. I became very angry. I talked to my boss. Then to my boss's boss. I had meetings. I wrote emails. I tried to communicate, but it was to no avail.

End of story, i took all i could take and when i was done. I was done. I walked away. Good news is this led me to the job of my dreams and i've never been happier.

Communicating when angry is hard. I believe gathering your wits, seeing things from all angles, regrouping and trying to communicate when things settle is most effective, regardless of the outcome. Listening being a major form of communication. And if all parties are not responsive to communication, either drop it if it's not that important, or do something about it.

[betruetoyoursoul]

....I am a person that tends to pick up emotions within a person and tension in all situations....My approach is to listen respectfully, share my perception of what I am hearing and ask for clarity , as I could be wrong.....I also tend to ask " What do you hear me saying?" ( in a tense situation) I can then clarify what my thought is and intention is/was if it has not been perceived/articulated in a way the other person heard me....I prefer not to sweep things under the carpet but to address things in a thoughtful way without degrading, yelling etc. and do a check in with the person....I have found this method to provide most often good results.....One of my personal boundaries is to never hit below the belt...... I tend to try not to provoke another person to anger...I would prefer a healthy conversation with respect....

[randrum]

I tend not to be real good at communicating when I'm angry. I have a habit of shutting down when I'm really angry. I need time to walk away, collect my thoughts, and come back to the topic with a level-headed, logical statement.

[oboejive]

I try to take some time to walk away from the situation to think, because I know that, when emotional, we all say things we don't mean. So, for me, letting myself just think things through before saying anything tends to help.

[homoe]

If someone is angry at me, I let them rave and rant and simply listen. When I'm mad however I tend to stay calm, take a deep breathe, gather my thoughts , and then hopefully convey in a civil manner my displeasure and the reason for it! I'm a cancer and it's often said "cancers don't get mad, they get even".

[imperfect_cupcake]

If I'm taking the piss and being sarcastic and teasing, it means I'm irritated and exasperated and willing to talk.

The second I get reeeeeeaaaaly polite it means
1) I think you are a fucking arse
2) you need to fuck off for a while before I pull your lungs out of your nose with a spoon.

If I go totally silent that means enraged. 10/10 on the implosion scale.

I jokingly gave one of my partners an anger scale from 1-10 1 being mildly irritated to 10 being incandescent rage.

They had little faces and my usual reactions and up to what level I could joke around in (up to 6) if the person had the charm and skill required to do so. Some people don't and I find I got from a 2 to a 7 in a matter of seconds. Others, there some kind of natural understanding and they can take me from a 6 to 1 in five words and make me laugh.

I love being home. A lot. But the west coast is very serious in certain ways. I seem to get a long much better with east coast temperaments.

[A. Spectre]

Naturally THIS is how I communicate when angered.

http://slantmouth.com/articles/setWageHike/images/tantrum.gif

No, No, No, all silliness aside, history is not kind to me. In my younger-thought-I-was-a-bad-ass days of Uber Butchness, I was quick to jump to conclusions, thought the worst of every situation and would hold a grudge.

As the years have ticked off the calendar, very few things upset me. If situations nettle me in some way, I know it will pass and finding humor in MOST situations has saved my mental health. Trust that humor is a miracle panacea for most things.

The older I get, a sense of calm blankets me in a way that is a bit surprising considering my history of having a wee bit of a temper.

[Tuff Stuff]

These days I light a few firecrackers(3-4) to let off steam.One of my storage finds was a case of black cat super charged crackers...amazing noise for a tiny cracker...scares the freakin' djinn right out of me..and her too :runforhills:

And for those really bad tantrums,I bring out the M80s...talk about attention getting..for real

Sometimes spanish is hard to understand..:weedsmoke: