VANILLA THREAD Who can initiate sex in your relationship? VANILLA THREAD

[iamkeri1]

This thread is NOT for the discussion of control as it ebbs and flows in a BDSM relationship. Please do not post about BDSM practices .. there are many threads available for these discussions.

This is, as it says in bold print above, a vanilla thread. Power dynamics also occur in vanilla relationships, and that is what I want to talk about.

So what is most comfortable/easiest/essential for you to function well in sexual relationships? I couldn't figure out how to post a poll, so I'll just list some options. If your personal option is not listed, please forgive me, and just post about what is comfortable for you.

I am femme
I am butch
I am ftm
I am mtf
I have a different gender designation

I wish to initiate all sexual encounters.
I wish my partner(s) to initiate all sexual encounters.
I prefer a relationship where either (or all) partners may initiate sex.

None of these choices infer that you are the "top" during sex, only that it your preference to be the one to say "Hey lets ****."

Here's my answer:
I prefer a relationship where either (or all) partners may initiate sex. Why? Well I want my partner to let me know I am desired, so I think it is good to let them know I desire them as well. Also, just as a matter of practicality, sometimes one wants to have sex, but finds that it has not (yet) occured to one's partner. Therefore the necessity of expressing one's desires. :giggle:
Smooches,
Keri

[Rockinonahigh]

Morning Keri,this is a good subject.For me im a stone butch but prefer that in a relationship that both are free to initiate sex,its not that I havent thought of it but to be truthfull I have to be really she isnt just playing games cause for me in tired of kid games that often are pulled but some women just to have fun at someone elses expence.Butch thay get stone butch, well is someome with a prob for people who just dont get it or care to.

[Quintease]

I'm femme and I like to initiate!

Actually I like us both to initiate but I think I tend to do it more. I love initiating and I know he'll never turn me down, it's perfect :p

I've been in relationships where my gf's have resented me being highly sexed and that was awful, frustrating for me and really damaging for the relationship. For that reason if my hubbie wants sex and I don't, I'll at least consider it. I'd hate for him to feel he can't ask.

[Sassy]

I am femme. I prefer a relationship where either (or all) partners may initiate sex -- often and spontaneously!

[Glenn]

Stone-Butch Top Dominant. A fighting b**** got the job done.

[Iamjustagirlwhocantsayno]

I am femme and love to initiate. I think it takes him by suprise.... but he likes it :) I haven't always been the initiator in past relationships, but I sometimes think that's why they didn't last long, I wasn't willing to assert what I needed and just took what was offered. I love for him to initiate too, but I feel powerful when it's me!

[mustangjeano]

Great question and answers. I am TGButch and I liked it when my lover let me know she wanted me. I prefer a relationship where either one can innitiate. Jean

[*Anya*]

Communication in a relationship of any type is critical. How can I initiate a sexual encounter if I can't talk about the little, mundane things of life, as well as all of those big things that may come up?

I thrive in a relationship where communication is open, honest, a two-way street, safe, trusting and I am encouraged to express my needs-including sexual needs.

When all of those pieces are in place: yes, I enjoy the freedom to be able to initiate sex.

I am femme (f)

[Kobi]

I am a butch who prefers a relationship that is a partnership. So either initiating according to their needs and desires works best for me.

[AtLast]

Initiation by either partner works best for me. I don't want roles, rules or any other prescriptive assumptions with sexual initiation. As a butch, it is hot when a femme lover initiates and I feel hot myself when I initiate.

The main thing for me is communication about sex with a lover.

Thanks for the thread!

[ArkansasPiscesGrrl]

I am a Femme, who prefers to be in a relationship where both parties can feel open to initiating sex.

My last relationship was like that at first. Even though I had a higher sex drive than she did, she "kept up" for the first several months, and both of us initiated and responded back.

Then life experiences happened to her, and she had to take a break. I pulled back in respect to her need for a break, but always let her know that I was there for her. I tried initiating on several occasions, trying to see if she was ready to come "back". We had LOTS of discussions about it (yes, communication is key!), and she would always just let me know not yet. At one point, however, it got to where I was feeling like my trying to initiate was crossing a line. I mean, for both of us. She felt pressured (hell, who wants THAT??), and I felt rebuffed. I finally told her that I would stop trying to initiate anything, and just let HER decide to come to me when she was ready again. I didn't want to feel that icky stuff of being pushy (to me that bordered on abuse). And it is no good for anyone's ego to be constantly turned down, you just end up quiting asking.

Well, she never came back. Even after 3 yrs. So that, combined with other dysfunctions in the relationship, ended it.

She's now found someone else. Oh well.

(sorry for the rant)

[JAGG]

I'm butch. I love either!! I think it's so hot when a lover surprises me out of the blue. You know like when you are busy or whatever, and that is the last thing on your mind. And they can make it go from that to the only thing you want, there is nothing you want more this world than that! That is so damn hot!

[1QuirkyKiwi]

Communication in a relationship of any type is critical. How can I initiate a sexual encounter if I can't talk about the little, mundane things of life, as well as all of those big things that may come up?

I thrive in a relationship where communication is open, honest, a two-way street, safe, trusting and I am encouraged to express my needs-including sexual needs.

When all of those pieces are in place: yes, I enjoy the freedom to be able to initiate sex.

I am femme (f)

You've said it beautifully! :)

[msW8ing]

I agree with Anya communicate is extremely essential in any relationship...and I prefer one when both initiate...I adore the look on Hys/Her face that little gleam in their eye when they know you want them..give me that same sexy/desired/wanted tingle when I see them making the advances that they need me NOW..lol...and if you and your lover know one another well enough, sometimes all it takes is a glance and a smirk and you both know. I remember one time with an ex..I was vaccuming..and all of sudden it stopped..I turned to look at the socket to see if it was still plugged in and there Hy stood..nekky..with the cord in Hys hand twirling it with that look in Hys eyes and that smirk lmao.

[Honey]

Its not who INITIATES the sex...its who suggests we break for air, food, and H2O...! Usually Hym....., but one has to refuel I guess .....I'll be over here patiently awaiting round #....

[WolfyOne]

Sometimes life gets busy
Sometimes you have to hit me with a 2x4
Sometimes I can't read minds
Sometimes a look is all it takes

Oh and in answer to the OP, either or is fine with me
Like a few other posters, communication is key

[clay]

Its not who INITIATES the sex...its who suggests we break for air, food, and H2O...! Usually Hym....., but one has to refuel I guess .....I'll be over here patiently awaiting round #....

what she said...lol

[Thamca74]

This is an interesting topic. I am a femme and have been with women for over 12 years and never thought about this. I love to initiate. And --- I never really thought about it, but I have often refused sex and never realized that it might be hurting my partners feelings. Maybe that is part of why I no longer have a partner. eh.
good thing to think about!! :canoworms:

[LipstickLola]

My first r/s was all about great communication and so we both freely initiated.
I'm sad, (embarrassed too) to say that I'm recently out of a r/s where I was always shut down, it really is tough on your self-esteem:blink:

I shoulda known the first time she wiped my lipstick off her mouth that I was in the wrong r/s, live and learn, eh?

Oh, did I say I have a healthy sex drive and am totally open to either person and unless i had a fever of umm 106, id never turn you down, LOL

[funkyfemme]

I'm femme and I am for either one initiating. It feels good to know that you're desired and wanted and I like making my butch (when I have one) feel this way too. And yeah, like a few other femmes posting here, I'm highly sexed and very rarely turn down a chance for some hot, steamy, headboard grabbin, leaving nail tracks on hys back kinda lovin' when in a relationship. :bedfuck:

hmm...that last tidbit was prolly a lil TMI, no? :|

[iamkeri1]

My first r/s was all about great communication and so we both freely initiated.
I'm sad, (embarrassed too) to say that I'm recently out of a r/s where I was always shut down, it really is tough on your self-esteem

I shoulda known the first time she wiped my lipstick off her mouth that I was in the wrong r/s, live and learn, eh?

Oh, did I say I have a healthy sex drive and am totally open to either person and unless i had a fever of umm 106, id never turn you down, LOL

Excuse me ... ahem! I would like to ask a question. I hate to admit I don't know what it means, but, oh well, I don't know what it is. What does r/s mean? :|
Smooches,
Keri

[Gráinne]

Excuse me ... ahem! I would like to ask a question. I hate to admit I don't know what it means, but, oh well, I don't know what it is. What does r/s mean? :|
Smooches,
Keri

I think, relationship. I had the same question.

[midwest chick]

I'm one of those people that can express it without words...

I kiss the neck, run my fingers through the hair, and sigh while stretching, and FEEL it run through my body...if you have any intelligence or thought at all, you know what I want when I run my nipples up your back, and thrust my hips onto any available body part.


I've had lovers that were totally still when I did this, not because they wanted me to stop, but because they wanted more, but couldn't express it, and this bothered me. How could I tell what was pleasing to them, without verbally asking? They thought that to show desire was to show weakness, but when I show my desire, I think of it as a strength. We are all different(YAY) but similar, and all have some fear or baggage. I refuse to hide desire when I feel it for someone special, but will joke about it with a more casual relationship.

Do I want to initiate all the time----HELL to the NO! I want to feel desired, adored, cherished, loved, and even lusted after....and I want hym to feel that too, so I crave the moments when my neck is kissed in just the perfect way, hys voice drops to that growl, and hys hands tell me that it's time.

Verbally? I can say I want you, let's take a nap, or I want you, and not feel any negatives, but I can, and have said "doesn't matter, I brought my vibrator"

I prefer a 50/50, or 60/40, or 70/30, depending on day situation and time....flexibility is hotter, and sexier, than always the same.

Just sayin'....

both should show desire

[AtLast]

Either one in any manner chosen.

[Okiebug61]

I'm a light butch and it is equal opportunity in our bedroom. We are both in our 50's now an frankly when the sparks are flying I'm not about to douse them out with a no. :-)

[Stitch]

I'm a boi

I love it when someone else initiates sex, or even just kisses me out of the blue. it makes me feel wanted and helps my confidence sometimes.
Also, sometimes I need it because I need to be hit with a 2x4 to figure out whether someone likes me or not.

However, if I am upset I hate it when she tries to initiate sex thinking that is going to cheer me up. It kind of makes me angry and I say no.
I would rather have someone just hug me and spend time with me instead.

[OS Butch]

I may be an Old School Butch, but I am perfectly ok with not always being responsible for initiating intimate times. Sometimes, being a senior, it may require a 2x4 to get my attention...other times a little kiss on my neck gets my little old motor going.

[Gemme]

I am femme and I like the flexibility in my relationships of either partner feeling comfortable enough to engage the other in any intimate endeavor.

It feeds both souls to know that not only are they still desirable and attractive to the other, but that they can give their partner what their partner wants and needs. That they are both the fuel and the fire to their partner. That's hot on a variety of levels.

:fireman:

[LipstickLola]

Excuse me ... ahem! I would like to ask a question. I hate to admit I don't know what it means, but, oh well, I don't know what it is. What does r/s mean? :|
Smooches,
Keri

ohhh I sowwy :| r/s=relationship
My apologies :)

[AlexHunter]

I am butch/genderqueer and I prefer when either partner initiates sex.

I will try to initiate sex when I'm turned on, but I would start to question my desirability and appeal to my partner if I was the one to initiate every time. There isn't much sexier to me than a hot femme showing me how much she wants me. At the same time, I have my moments where I am feeling devilish and scandalous beyond words and want to completely ravage my partner. So, both people initiating just makes sense. :)

[Breathless]

I am femme, and I have to say that I need it to be initiated by both partners.
I have a very high sex drive, in a previous relationship, I was the one who had to initiate all the time, and I began to feel resentful because of that. I was told no more often then yes. It begins to feel like you are trying to talk your lover into wanting you. Just not good.

However I do enjoy the initation :) And honestly, if I not in the mood at that second, give me a minute, if my partner is in the mood, I could never deny them affection and some good lovin :)

[Tuff Stuff]

I am a Butch,9 out of 10 times I initiate sex with strangers.With me and my gf its about 50/50.I usually tell her do you "wanna fuck?" or I press up against her from behind and grab her breasts..or I grab her ass.If i'm behind her and she bends over,oh its on :drool:

If I see cleavage,its on...if I just see her walk through that door,its ON!

If she's in the mood,of course *sigh*

[JDeere]

We both do. But more often it's her more then me and I am very okay with that.

[pumpndude]

I'm a ftm and like to initiate sex but its ok for a partner when in a relationship to also initiate it at times too...

[easygoingfemme]

I am femme. I prefer relationships where either partner can initiate (or say no-thank-you) to sex without it being a problem. I do prefer to be with someone who is a little more assertive than I am in initiating but not one who doesn't want me to also initiate. A healthy back and forth is a very good thing in my mind.

[Deborah*]

I believe both can initiate sex, that's just natural and honest in my opinion.

Deborah