Can You Really Be Friends With An Ex?

[Cuddles]

I know the answer depends on a few factors but here's what I find myself facing right now:

An ex that I haven't dated in two years is back in contact with me. Not because she wants to be with me but because she needs a friend and says I was the only person she ever felt really cared about her.

I'm not in love with her anymore, heck weeks can go by before I even think about her. However, I have a fatal flaw in relationships... I love to save a damsel in distress, and that includes being the supporter when they're hurting.

I'm not saying anything will happen but I'm concerned more about myself in this situation. It wasn't a great relationship and I was the one hurt in the end... I don't want to even allow the chance for old feelings to come back.

Is it possible to really be a friend to her or is this one I should back off from?

[~ocean]

i personaly feel if u loved someone the love never leaves u, it just takes a diff place in ur heart ! enjoy her as she was meant to be inyour life . for a reason only u will know.

[Gráinne]

I think you should listen to your gut about this. Why are you her only friend, or the "only one who cared for her"? I'd tread very carefully, if you know you might get sucked back into a bad situation.

Look at it this way: if you haven't seen her in two years, how much of a friend has she been to you?

[WomenMoveMe]

Gosh, you will certainly get vast disparity in the replies to your question.

In my case, the answer is 'yes'. Although, having had only one ex (my last partner died while we were still together, and therefore does not factor here), makes it an easy answer for me.

We are not best friends by any means, but we talk a few times a year, exchange holiday cards, and chat while playing Words with Friends daily on Facebook.

For me, it comes down to the fact that at one time I loved her enough to have wanted to spend my life with her. It is clear, as we are no longer together. There were reasons that was not to be. However, our parting of intimate ways in no way rules out that I very much liked her at one point. I still do. It is simply as the years passed, we did not grow together, but rather moved slowly apart.

So yes, it is possible, at least for me. But then, there was not another party involved, we did not lie to one another, we were not abusive to one another, we did not come to resent one another, We suffered no unspoken, but not forgotten, hurts or angst that reared their ugly heads causing our relationship to come tumbling down upon us.

With only one ex to reference, I say it again, yes, it is possible.

[The_Lady_Snow]

"I love to save a damsel in distress"

When that sentence STOPS being part of how you enable people is when true long standing relationships that have clear and healthy boundaries will flourish!! :)

I'm friends with exes because of those clear healthy boundaries.

:)

No one likes blurry lines...

[Cuddles]

The more replies I read and the more I take them into consideration the more I lean towards one decision over the other.

I agree with The_Lady_Snow that boundaries are probably something I lacked in this past relationship.

I think a part of the reason I wanted to talk to her again when she reached out was that I am in a lonely place right now, relationship-wise. But that doesn't erase the past and it's something I don't wish to ever repeat.

I've only ever been in two serious relationships and the first one we've not spoken in many years. That was her wish because she told me it was all or nothing and being so young and inexperienced I was not ready to commit.

I want to believe, and I know it's true for many, that you can be friends with an ex... but I don't think it's true for all ex's. Sigh...

[PaPa]

Recognizing your motivations for a friendship and hers helps a lot. Make sure you are very self-aware of your space at all times. I do believe it is possible to be friends with exes, but as Snow said the boundaries must be in place. I hope things work out whichever way you decide.

[The_Lady_Snow]

She/the ex, probably knows you're gonna cave in cause you're a lil vulnerable (you being lonely)..

Just becareful and stay strong Cuddles!!!

[Daktari]

I think it's possible to be friends with exes when you don't want to 'save' them. That would bring up a huge red light and clanging of bells for me.

I would also ask why are you the only person she can turn to after two years. Has she not got friends of her own; has she not built a life for herself? If not, why not?

You say it wasn't a great relationship for you. Why let her back and bring up what will probably not be great memories for you? Just take some time to consider why she would say that you were the only person who cared for her? Maybe she knows the buttons she needs to press? Just a thought.

Can I remind you that you/we cannot save anyone, they can only do that themselves by actively engaging in whatever problem they have and being proactive on their own behalf.

You will do what you want to do but my counsel would be, tread carefully.

:chaplin:

[T4Texas]

Yes it's true you can be friends with an ex. But it depends a lot on the nature of the relationship you had with them. I am friends with mine and even with their new significant others, but it's only because my head is in the right place for it now, and that wasn't always so. As for you, setting boundaries would be wise because it sounds like you are ripe to get sucked in again.
It's too bad people can't appreciate you so much when they are with you, but have to end the relationships to really understand how supportive, kind or understanding you might have been.

[Cuddles]

It's too bad people can't appreciate you so much when they are with you, but have to end the relationships to really understand how supportive, kind or understanding you might have been.

Story of my life, even with friends lol


Thank you all. You've given me a lot to consider. I'm supposed to talk to her in an hour. I'm thinking pretty clearly right now so I won't be going in blind. It may not turn out to be much of anything but I know her pretty well and if she's not changed then I have reason to tread carefully.

Thanks again. :)

[julieisafemme]

I think you should listen to your gut about this. Why are you her only friend, or the "only one who cared for her"? I'd tread very carefully, if you know you might get sucked back into a bad situation.

Look at it this way: if you haven't seen her in two years, how much of a friend has she been to you?

You totally hit the nail on the head with this one! If an ex can be a nurturing, caring friend to you then I think that is great. If an ex pops back in to your life because they are bored or lonely or needy then maybe that is not the best friendship for you. What does she have to bring to the relationship? How can being in contact with her enrich your life, beyond satisfying the need to care for someone and be needed? Be selfish and take care of yourself first!

[princessbelle]

Yes yes and more yesess to the whole boundary idea. Don't just run out the door and greet her and rescue her and have your heart ripped to shreds. Make a deal with YOURSELF. Make your boundaries and stick to them.

If it starts getting too much and those old feelings start to come up for air, step back. You can always be a friend without getting in too deep. It is your boundary that identifies how far you are willing to let her in...not her decision. That one is yours all by yourself. Don't let her set those standards of your heart. You are in control.

I have exes i would still give a kidney to if they needed it, and truthfully, i would most likely come to any of their aids if they really were in need. But, i know my limits and am not quite the naive person i once was.

Just go in with your eyes wide open and make sure you protect you.

Good luck!!!!!!

[*Anya*]

For me, it depends on the circumstance of the end of the relationship.

My 1st GF and I realized we were better as friends than lovers and were able to go back to being very good friends. We had dinner together with our new partners, shared holidays, etc.

My most recent ex- no. It was a painful breakup and I did try to develop a friend relationship with her but just could not do it. It was just too difficult for me.

Different circumstance, different outcome.

[aishah]

it depends. i'm friends with almost all of my exes and i think it's totally possible - i'm still extremely close (friendship-wise only) with two of them. but in this particular case i'd find it troubling that she wants to start out a friendship based off of her needing you...that doesn't seem like a healthy dynamic. not that friends shouldn't help each other but it seems odd that she's coming to you like this when you don't already have a friendship established. i second the need for boundaries.

[Cuddles]

The basis for reconnecting is due to the fact that she told me she finally took the advice I'd given her two years prior about a drastic change needed in her life. She's not had an easy life at all and I do feel bad for her in that regard.

However it's not a situation I want to get back into. I agreed to talk with her to give her a chance to vent a little and seek some friendly advice.

If I get the slightest hint that she's seeking more than advice, I'll be sure to stop the conversation and remind her of the boundaries.

I may be lonely, but I'm not self-loathing, nor am I THAT desperate. Sometimes I think I'd have an easier time in life if I was more hard up on my emotions... but if that were the case I wouldn't be so darn cuddly lol. :)

[Sassy]

...if you haven't seen her in two years, how much of a friend has she been to you?

^^^^^

What they said.

[Luv]

Depends on the ex..I only have one Id give a kidney to, or give my last dollar to..the rest,,nope

[Hack]

I also think it depends on how things ended and why. I am on speaking terms with most of my exes. Just because you are no longer in love with someone doesn't mean you no longer care about them. That said, boundaries are a good idea, as well as having enough time for the both of you to heal. It took me a while after my last serious romance to be able to speak to her again, and she pretty much wanted the every-day contact to continue after the break-up. I told her I couldn't do that and I needed time. Now we can occasionally speak to each other and there are no hard feelings or bitterness. I think that has to be a boundary, or at the minimum a ground rule, for both sides to get to a place where friendship is possible.

[TimilDeeps]

Depends on the ex..I only have one Id give a kidney to, or give my last dollar to..the rest,,nope

same here :chocolate:

[girl_dee]

this question pops up all the time

sometimes yes sometimes no

no one will convince me that it's not a "different" friendship once people have been intimate. Nothing wrong with that, but it's different.

[Miss_J]

Friendships just like romantic relationships should be based on give and take one to the other not just give give give take take take.
Respect yourself and your emotional space right now and decide where you want that friendship to go and grow.

I think there were many wonderful suggestions so far and almost everyone says the same thing, stay strong, be who you need to be, respect yourself and set boundaries that you "both" can stick to.

Good luck I hope it will be a rewarding experience.

[deedarino]

I am friends with most of my ex's but it took time. In each of those cases, early on I would get the "can we talk" phone call or email but it was ALWAYS because they were lonely or fighting with their current partner; when we are lonely we reach out to the easiest ear.

With boundries set and MEANT (here's the hard part), you can be friends. Be careful, if you are lonely too you could be headed for trouble.

[Cuddles]

Well that went better than I thought.

She seemed to just really want someone to talk to. We didn't bring up anything too personal that would've stirred up a pot.

However... I'm not going to pursue a friendship with her. I've decided it's just not worth the risk. I don't want anyone to get hurt, her or myself.

It might very well be possible to be just friends with her... but I do sense a vulnerability in me and I don't want to have to work so hard to protect it.

[Estella]

I realize I'm in the minority, but I am not friends with any of my exes. At all. There was a reason we broke up, and that reason usually had to do with something unpleasant - say a well-hidden character flaw. And that flaw is/was never something I would tolerate in a friend. So say, for example, my ex was a liar. I find friendships with liars challenging, at best. Or say she was a lazy, narcissistic sociopath. Again, not really friend material.

I understand what people are saying when they say that just because you broke up doesn't mean you no longer care. But I care about the human race in general. If someone came to me for help, I would do my best to help them - in the same way I would buy a sandwich for someone panhandling outside the Panera, or give my gloves to someone who looks cold. Would I give a kidney to a stranger? Possibly, if someone asked.

And did we like each other to begin with? Honestly, who knows. In the past, I wasn't always particularly scrupulous about becoming "friends first" before getting all sweaty and sticky. So when they were gone, was there anything left really to base a friendship on? See above.

All of my exes have had exes for friends, and it always seemed a little contrived to me. The relationships appeared skewed somehow, like she was trying to prove to her ex that she was happy without her, while at the same time maintaining their presence as proof to me that there were other people who cared about her. Seems like a lot of work, and slightly disingenuous.

There was a time when I thought it was some sort of requirement that you maintain a friendly relationship with your ex or they'd take away your dyke card. I thought, well maybe there's something wrong with me because god knows I don't miss or even think about these people. But at this point I can say with all sincerity that I will be quite content if I never see a single one of these people again - and my wife probably is too.

[StrongButch]

I think so after time has passed I think it is healthy

[Soft*Silver]

I am currently friends with most of my exes. I can tell you that the exes who DONT want to be friends with me, do so, so I wont tell their tales....they are wayyy to ashamed of themselves and how they acted with me to let me near their life now.

[macele]

the chance of being friends is much better with a sisters or brothers ex LOL.

i do talk to an ex girlfriend. we laugh. we talk about day to day stuff. but there are different types of friends. she's not one that i can tell absolutely anything to. but yeah, a communication line can be achieved.

a lot depends on where the heart is, ... has it moved on. it's certainly not healthy, mentally, to extend a hand when loneliness is present (personal experience). as bad ass strong as i think i am, i can let my guard down, ... when lonely creeps in.

i'm not so sure it can ever be a complete friendship. maybe no more than hello, how are you? with a laugh thrown in. i certainly don't want to be friends on a level where current girlfriends meet the exes over dinner.

i do hope all works out for you, cuddles.

[Skittlesluver]

I think this really depends on each other's feelings and each individual person. If both of you can keep your friendship going and not bring up the past or the "relationship"...maybe...but as mentioned in previous posts here....things are "different" after you have engaged in an intimate relationship with someone.
There is not right or wrong answer to this question...it's totally based on each person's personal preference...(try saying those three words fast)

[twist of lime]

The best recipe...
no. no. no.

Think Titanic or a train derailment or Groundhog Day

[girl_dee]

I realize I'm in the minority, but I am not friends with any of my exes. At all. There was a reason we broke up, and that reason usually had to do with something unpleasant - say a well-hidden character flaw. And that flaw is/was never something I would tolerate in a friend. So say, for example, my ex was a liar. I find friendships with liars challenging, at best. Or say she was a lazy, narcissistic sociopath. Again, not really friend material.

I understand what people are saying when they say that just because you broke up doesn't mean you no longer care. But I care about the human race in general. If someone came to me for help, I would do my best to help them - in the same way I would buy a sandwich for someone panhandling outside the Panera, or give my gloves to someone who looks cold. Would I give a kidney to a stranger? Possibly, if someone asked.

And did we like each other to begin with? Honestly, who knows. In the past, I wasn't always particularly scrupulous about becoming "friends first" before getting all sweaty and sticky. So when they were gone, was there anything left really to base a friendship on? See above.

All of my exes have had exes for friends, and it always seemed a little contrived to me. The relationships appeared skewed somehow, like she was trying to prove to her ex that she was happy without her, while at the same time maintaining their presence as proof to me that there were other people who cared about her. Seems like a lot of work, and slightly disingenuous.

There was a time when I thought it was some sort of requirement that you maintain a friendly relationship with your ex or they'd take away your dyke card. I thought, well maybe there's something wrong with me because god knows I don't miss or even think about these people. But at this point I can say with all sincerity that I will be quite content if I never see a single one of these people again - and my wife probably is too.


i feel the same way and don't understand the need to have exes as friends, if things were bad enough that i left them, why would i want to now be *friends* later? If our paths cross that's one thing but yes i left them for a reason, and that reason is probably enough reason not to be in each others lives.

[Syr]

I realize I'm in the minority, but I am not friends with any of my exes. At all. There was a reason we broke up, and that reason usually had to do with something unpleasant - say a well-hidden character flaw. And that flaw is/was never something I would tolerate in a friend. So say, for example, my ex was a liar. I find friendships with liars challenging, at best. Or say she was a lazy, narcissistic sociopath. Again, not really friend material.

I understand what people are saying when they say that just because you broke up doesn't mean you no longer care. But I care about the human race in general. If someone came to me for help, I would do my best to help them - in the same way I would buy a sandwich for someone panhandling outside the Panera, or give my gloves to someone who looks cold. Would I give a kidney to a stranger? Possibly, if someone asked.

And did we like each other to begin with? Honestly, who knows. In the past, I wasn't always particularly scrupulous about becoming "friends first" before getting all sweaty and sticky. So when they were gone, was there anything left really to base a friendship on? See above.

All of my exes have had exes for friends, and it always seemed a little contrived to me. The relationships appeared skewed somehow, like she was trying to prove to her ex that she was happy without her, while at the same time maintaining their presence as proof to me that there were other people who cared about her. Seems like a lot of work, and slightly disingenuous.

There was a time when I thought it was some sort of requirement that you maintain a friendly relationship with your ex or they'd take away your dyke card. I thought, well maybe there's something wrong with me because god knows I don't miss or even think about these people. But at this point I can say with all sincerity that I will be quite content if I never see a single one of these people again - and my wife probably is too.

Well said. My sentiments exactly.

[OldSchoolButch]

Wow you hit home with the same issue I'm repairing in me now.We are the great rescuers ! Fighting this Co Dependence in short is hell and for me I need too keep backing up because I'm the only one that looses, No matter what I do ,or repair in my ex she stayed the same always in a constant state of despair. In the end I lost me.I recently had a friend ( not saying yours is too this extreme but mine damn near was ) that died from complications from a attempted suicide. She was in her own type of abusive relationship.I awoke a few days latter after crying for days wishing I was home too the thought "There not worth dying over". I won't go back too old haunts or old past habits. I will just keep growing best I can.



I know the answer depends on a few factors but here's what I find myself facing right now:

An ex that I haven't dated in two years is back in contact with me. Not because she wants to be with me but because she needs a friend and says I was the only person she ever felt really cared about her.

I'm not in love with her anymore, heck weeks can go by before I even think about her. However, I have a fatal flaw in relationships... I love to save a damsel in distress, and that includes being the supporter when they're hurting.

I'm not saying anything will happen but I'm concerned more about myself in this situation. It wasn't a great relationship and I was the one hurt in the end... I don't want to even allow the chance for old feelings to come back.

Is it possible to really be a friend to her or is this one I should back off from?

[Ciaran]

Can You Really Be Friends With An Ex?

The answer, in principle, is an unambiguous yes.

Of course, in reality, it depends on a whole multitude of factors dependent upon the relationship, the personalities involved, their shared history and their paths travelled since splitting up.

Sometimes, it's good to be friends with an ex, sometimes it's not. Treat every situation on it's own merits. It's no different from being friends with a neighbor or a work colleague in the sense that there's no straightforward "right" or "wrong" to when a friendship should work and when it shouldn't.

On occasions, the shared history will be a bond and in other scenarios, the shared history would clearly make any attempt at friendship a disaster for one or both parties. Ultimately, only you and your ex can answer that one.


Personally, I've stayed friends with some exes. I find this healthy. A relationship not lasting doesn't necessarily mean that we cannot be social, have strong mutual interests and enjoy each other's company and sharing fun times.

[princessbelle]

i feel the same way and don't understand the need to have exes as friends, if things were bad enough that i left them, why would i want to now be *friends* later? If our paths cross that's one thing but yes i left them for a reason, and that reason is probably enough reason not to be in each others lives.


For me, this is just MHO, i don't have a "need" to be a friend with my exes. But, I do believe it is great when friendships can come out of relationships and that has most certainly happened for me a couple of times. I've seen this from others as well and it always warms my heart and makes me think "good for them".

And even the term friend can be dissected as to it's true meaning. A close friend, a friend you rarely talk to, someone who has your back, etc. It varies, IMO with each person that we consider a "friend".

I have a couple of exes i never speak to, the break ups were not exactly hunky dory. But, i would still help them if they called, for instance, saying they had cancer or someone in their family did and needed a shoulder or a friend or nursing guidance. I would for anyone, and most certainly for someone that i once cared about evidently enough to be their partner.

But, again, IMO, there has to be boundaries in every type of relationship and most certainly with an ex. Would it break my heart if an ex didn't want to be friends with me? Maybe, but i'd get over it...probably rather quickly. ;)

[girl_dee]

Also if you have kids involved, that could influence things. Maybe for me the relationship/breakup was painful and i just don't want that energy in my life.

[BullDog]

Currently I am not really friends with any of my exes, but I have been friends with some of them in the past. Others I haven't wanted to speak to ever again after things ended.

I have one ex that at first we did keep in some contact. It wasn't a good relationship and didn't end too well. After a while I didn't feel she was being respectful of me and didn't want to continue the friendship. I asked her not to contact me anymore. She honored my request.

One of my exes was my partner for 12 years. I made the decision to break up. She is a great person and always treated me well. The passion was just not there for either one of us. When I moved out and got a place of my own I had a party. I felt weird about inviting her but also weird about not inviting her. So I did ask her but said I would totally understand if she didn't want to come. Well she came to my party and met a friend of a friend. They started dating and have been together ever since. It's been about 10 years. Lesbian cliche I guess, lol. Actually among my lesbian friends it is quite common for people to be friends with their exes.

[genghisfawn]

I've discovered a few circumstances:

1) You can be friends because there was no romantic chemistry but you got along beautifully otherwise;

2) A friendship is possible until either one of you gets a jealous partner;

3) There's no way you'd have that person as a friend simply because they've proven that they're not good at the things that make a friend (honesty, compassion, loyalty, etc.)

My only recommendation is to tread carefully and don't become friends if either of you still have feelings. Ex sex is awkward. Good luck!

[girl_dee]

Being honest about the ex relationship is crucial.

If you are not up front about all of it and respect boundaries, the new love of your life may have reason to be *jealous*.

[SugarFemme]

The way I see it, if you have loved someone enough at one time to become partners, love them enough to have a successful break-up unless there was violence or dishonesty. I prefer to leave a relationship before we get to the point where we can no longer tolerate one another. My daughters Father and I have been divorced for fourteen years and have remained very close. Doesn't mean we have not had our our "moments", but for the most part we are still close.

[Mr Nice Guy]

I tried but it didn't work.

[Queerasfck]

I'm not friends with any of my exes but if I could say something to one of them it would be that I do want my George Foreman portable gas grill back.

I'll never get over that!

[WolfyOne]

I haven't read all the posts

I do agree with Snowy

I'm friends with some of my exes. We started out as friends and ended our relationships on a good note, so why not continue the friendship. Often, I find that I make a better friend than a partner. I have fallen in love 3 times in my life and only one of those 3 could be trusted 100%. Her and I will be friends til the end. Some exes aren't even worth looking back and thinking about. Those would be the toxic ones. The ones that suck you dry while your eyes are open, but you're not fully aware of what's going on until it's too late. Never stay friends with an ex like that.

Ultimately, in the end, it's up to you. You can soak up all the responses you've got from us, do what your gut tells you or listen to your head and heart. There's always a reason why someone comes back into our lives. Don't judge, just listen and then decide. Decide if you're just in her life long enough to help her with her problem or if a true friendship can be had.

Good Luck to you Cuddles

[Quintease]

Friendly, but friend sometimes is impossible.

[Leigh]

I'm friends with one, otherwise no it never worked out

[Abigail Crabby]

Yep, can, and am with a couple of exes - we loved, we laughed, things happened, we ended......

Still respect them and can still chat an enjoy a friendship.

The Kidlettes Gram is an ex and still involved in her life and therefore we are involved with the Gram and her Wife....

I think if there was respect before - for me and I only speak for me I can stay friends with anyone I ever loved and respected......

[Gemme]

The more replies I read and the more I take them into consideration the more I lean towards one decision over the other.

I agree with The_Lady_Snow that boundaries are probably something I lacked in this past relationship.

I think a part of the reason I wanted to talk to her again when she reached out was that I am in a lonely place right now, relationship-wise. But that doesn't erase the past and it's something I don't wish to ever repeat.

I've only ever been in two serious relationships and the first one we've not spoken in many years. That was her wish because she told me it was all or nothing and being so young and inexperienced I was not ready to commit.

I want to believe, and I know it's true for many, that you can be friends with an ex... but I don't think it's true for all ex's. Sigh...

You considering this while being 'lonely' is like going to the grocery store when you're hungry.

Be careful!

[Gemme]

Well that went better than I thought.

She seemed to just really want someone to talk to. We didn't bring up anything too personal that would've stirred up a pot.

However... I'm not going to pursue a friendship with her. I've decided it's just not worth the risk. I don't want anyone to get hurt, her or myself.

It might very well be possible to be just friends with her... but I do sense a vulnerability in me and I don't want to have to work so hard to protect it.

Just knowing the little bit that we've been told here, I think that's probably a wise decision. Good for you for recognizing your tendency to rescue others and to be able to sit back and look at your options and past histories and talking with her recently in order to come to a decision that's best for you.

[StrongButch]

I am going to post this here and hope it gives you some peace : She always said,when someone is mean or says bad things about you,let it go,never fight back or defend yourself We are to be kind to them and instead only see the good things in others- Clara Honea Athabaskan Elder

[G Snap!]

I am not friends with any of my ex's. All (except one) turned into @sses and would end up saying something absolutely spiteful and hurtful, which just made me light up the match and burn that bridge.

I have always been in awe over others being friends with ex's. To get over the hurt and bad feelings and call them friend? Wow. I guess I am envious in a way because I am so unforgiving.

[chefhmboyrd]

my BFF is an ex.
Ex-wife
lol
and there's baby momma...


I am friends (not close) with several exes,
but most live in other parts of the country,
i am FB friends with several for sure...

We have all had our ups and downs,
good bad ugly happy sad or indifferent....
i think we can learn from each other, if we choose.
sometimes, learning is painful.

respect is the key
self respect first....
sometimes self respect commands you to just walk away.

[Julien]

Part of me says that I think that friends with the ex is a possibility being we're all adults, but reality says that too many hurt feelings get in the way. I have tried to be friends, but because of the feelings and unresolved issues on my part and hers, I don't think it is possible unless we can both let the past go. That is difficult to do. I've not run across, in my relationships at least, where the parting was friendly there is always some bit of damage done to one or the other. If we can get past that maybe we can be friends. I think time is the key to that, unless there is too much hurt to go around.

[theoddz]

I have one particular ex with whom I still, to this day (if I were still in contact with her), would be able to enjoy a wonderful, healthy friendship with. We didn't start out as friends, but in a smokey bar one night, a night that ended up with us jumping in bed for a one night stand. I was something like 22 years old then, and her 19. Things were kind of stormy after that, due to her being, well, 19 years old and just newly out on her own and newly "out".

We couldn't make a relationship work, probably due to nothing more than just pure immaturity....on both our parts. Thing is, we really liked each other!! I've always tended to be very much on the reserved, quiet side and she was the "wild child". Anyway, I also became good friends with her mother, and the rest of her family, too. I even called her mother "Mama". After about a year, I was almost just like a member of her family and always invited to dinner, holiday celebrations, etc.

When Brenda and I finally figured out that we couldn't make a relationship work, we couldn't quite let go of that special friendship we had, and of just pure *liking* each other. It was always like I'd always known her, been close to her, and almost like she was a bit of a sister to me. Anyway, after the romantic attachment was ended, Brenda and I decided that we both wanted to work hard to retain our friendship. It was a conscious choice and desire, on both our parts, to do this. You know what?? That friendship took more work...more honest-to-Pete W-O-R-K and dedication to develop, but we started with a firm foundation of L-I-K-E. That's important. I think that, when you try to build something like that, and there's water under another kind of bridge between you, you really, really have to work at and realize what you're trying to do, then keep that goal in perspective. Again, I don't want to endlessly repeat what others have said here, but I do think that a key point here is boundaries....and respect for each other.

To tell you the truth, I'm surprised to this day that, as immature as we were, emotionally, we were able to keep the friendship in focus and not let it stray onto each others' toes, but we did. We had the most beautiful of friendships, once all the feelings were put into perspective, and boundaries established and respected. I have to say that the love and friendship of her family was important here, too. Her mother, also my dear friend, helped me to understand Brenda better, and to deal with my own emotions of letting go of "that" part and learning to love my friend unconditionally. Brenda and I finally drifted apart and lost contact, but I still think of her a lot and wonder how she's doing. I know that, if I had her number, I could pick up that phone and my old dear friend would be on that other end of the line, just as happy to hear my voice (which has changed quite a bit!!) as I would be to hear hers.

Yes, I think you can build a helluva friendship with an ex, but you have to want it and you have to be BOTH willing to work at it. You also have to have a very healthy amount of respect and L-I-K-E for each other. It's easy to tell someone "I love you", but you need to be able to honestly say "I LIKE you" too. I guess that, for (at the time) two very young, inexperienced people, Brenda and I were pretty danged lucky to have had each other. We were even more fortunate to have had in each other two people who really loved and respected each other enough to want to work at *Liking* each other. :winky:

Good luck. I do hope it works out for you, whichever direction your paths take you. (f)

~Theo~ :bouquet:

[T4Texas]

sometimes self respect commands you to just walk away.

I used to be very proud of the fact that I was friends with my exes. That no matter the circumstance, I could put it behind me, take the high road and be forgiving. Unfortunately that has changed since having a difficult time with one of my exes. She planted the axe in my back so many times, I came to not be able to forgive her any further. It made me sad that I could not reconcile or even like her anymore because I never wanted it to turn out that way. I hate her now and hating is a strong word for me and not an emotion I carry for very many people. I think no matter how generous we try to be, you can only take so much of a person's lies and underhanded ways. I just had to accept that fact about her even though I didnt want to. I refuse to let anyone damage MY integrity and so self respect did command me to walk away for good.

[*Anya*]

I was able to remain friends with my first ex-girlfriend.

My last ex of 19-years burned that bridge when she lied and told me she had terminal brain cancer with a week to live. Since she had a prior history of brain tumor, naturally, I believed her.

That lie was unforgivable.

Not too long ago she called to tell me she had breast cancer. I told her if true I was very sorry but could not get involved and to not call again. Hard for me because I do not lie and tend to believe others do not either.

She was the butch that cried wolf once too often.

[Miss Scarlett]

Depends upon why they are an "ex"...

[LoyalWolfsBlade]

This subject like many have changed and evolved as I have gotten older. After all I have been out of the closet since 16 and I am now 45 so I would hope that it has evolved.

My best friend is a ex, I have known her for 25 years. I met her back when when I dated soft butches and femmes she is a soft butch. Actually she is the reason I know for a romantic relationship the person I have to be with is a femme. Hey I was young when we met and it was not suppose to be nothing more then a one night stand. We do not live in the same state but we do still talk to each other and see each other.

Now I have another ex that is all femme and we are friends but we had to have time apart before that could happen. Me so I could come at her as a friend and to heal we both hurt each other in the end. Now we are good friends. It helps that we both like who the other person is and we have boundaries that are respected.

So in my opinion friendship with ex's are possible but once you are in a relationship with someone you need to discuss it with that person. Personally I tell them there is very little I will not compromise on however I will not give up my friendship with my two ex's. I will do whatever it takes to reassure my femme and always respect her so there is some give and take but the no contact is off limits for those two people. If she can not trust me then there is not much hope for a lasting relationship.

[Strappie]

I am living proof of being friends with an ex or two... One of my best friends is an ex and I wouldn't change it for the world.

I also will add if my partner can not handle that then well we are not meant to be.

[~Softbutch4U~]

Im friends w 2 of my exes. One of them is current close friend. Other is keep in touch and see her once a while. Some r that i dont speak anymore.

[bigbutchmistie]

Yes for me I am friends with my exe's. Just because the relationship didnt work doesnt mean they arent great friends.

I am also friends with their spouses as well. I dont hold grudges. I want their happiness even though it wasnt with me.

Whomever I end up partnering with is going to have to accept that... :)

[funkyfemme]

I'm friends with all but two of mine. My first butch is still very much in my life and always will be. We just celebrated our "anniversary" on the 6th of this month. So yeah, you really can be friends with an ex. But I also agree with a few others here - all depends on why you broke up.

[homoe]

I agree with Funky, sometimes it all depends on why you broke up! I am still friends with my ex and now she's even my BFF! I always consider it a big ole red flag when I meet someone and they tell me all of their ex's hate them!

[Quintease]

I agree with Funky, sometimes it all depends on why you broke up! I am still friends with my ex and now she's even my BFF! I always consider it a big ole red flag when I meet someone and they tell me all of their ex's hate them!

Agreed. I dated someone who was hated by all of her exes, only to later discover why.
I wouldn't hold it against someone if they hadn't remained friends with their exes however. I know myself I have tried to stay friends with certain exes but travelling and new relationships have usually put paid to that. My ex wife, for example, is now living it large in a beautiful and sunny city, while I'm married and planning a baby in a place where it always rains. We have little in common.

[AtLast]

I agree with the "why" & "how" the break-up occured in terms of remaining friends. Also, sometimes we can be attracted off the charts to someone romantically, but, find that this fizzles when one (or both) realizes that it just isn't a good match. Yet, you have a lot in common and work well as friends.

[bkisbutchenuff]

Exes can be a great resource...however, it depends on the circumstances - the foundation of the relationship and the breakup. It took many years, but my first ex, a colleague who I admire greatly professionally, is actually one of my bff's. After an 11 yrs relationship, we still have each others back. Friends are friends and for me - that equals family ...

[shiagirl]

Yes you can but at a distance lol:blink:

[Tommi]

Yes, I sure hope so, because it would be a lonely planet if not.

(counting Ex's on fingers N toes,, Yes, mostly :groupphoto:

well, there were a few with wildly waving arms and ****** or berserk *or worse. :seeingstars:

Really...no. no Really :police:

:)

[jules5041]

I think absolutely you can be friends with an ex. I definately am. I was with my ex for ten years and I can't imagine not having hym currently in my life. We both evolved into the people we are today because of those ten years. I would hate to throw away such an important friendship just because we could not make our relationship work.

Thanks for letting me share!

Jules with numbers

[Darbonaire]

I think absolutely you can be friends with an ex. I definately am. I was with my ex for ten years and I can't imagine not having hym currently in my life. We both evolved into the people we are today because of those ten years. I would hate to throw away such an important friendship just because we could not make our relationship work.

Thanks for letting me share!

Jules with numbers

I used to think the answer to this question would be "yes"...I have established friendships with ex's before but....now....I'm honestly not so sure...sad thing it is too....

Jonathan

[ruffryder]

I used to think the answer to this question would be "yes"...I have established friendships with ex's before but....now....I'm honestly not so sure...sad thing it is too....

Jonathan

Some people can, some can't. Sometimes it is too difficult for one or both. Sometimes it's best to move on.. all depends on the situation and how both would like to proceed. For sure, it takes time to gain that friendship back after a relationship. Most importantly is to move on and leave out the past and your relationship as you both move forward to try.

Most I have stayed friends with as there was a friendship before and during the relationship.

[Darbonaire]

"We do not heal the past by dwelling there; we heal the past by living fully in the present."

Marianne Williamson

[Ginger]

I think another good question is, Can a person be friends with her lover's exes, much less her own?

For me, sure. Usually it's no problem. There was an ex of a lover I didn't like, only because she wanted us to lie to her current girlfriend about something, and I felt creepy about that. But in general, it's not an issue.

[Beloved]

I am friends with most of my exes. In my experience if you were really hurt you need a time of healing before you are able to do so. It's totally possible.

[Ginger]

One of my cousins is dying of lung cancer right now. Not deathbed dying yet, but running out of options. Her ex-husband has been wonderful the whole time she's been sick. She always wanted to visit NYC and he took her on a vacation there with their girls. It is tender, what they have now.

I also know a friend of a friend who has a degenerative disease and her life is very compromised now. She had moved to be near her mother, and now her ex-husband bought a house near her, so he is in the neighborhood, as well.

In the town where my dad grew up, I woman I knew a little through their church was dying, and her ex-husband from decades back, moved in with her and nursed her to the end.

None of these were situations were about getting back together.

I know if anything happened to my ex, the main one, the one I lived with for ten years, I would be there. Her current partner is jealous of me; it hurts that we can't be friends and I don't think it will happen—but if it did, if she needed me, I would be there.

[*Anya*]

It really depends. I don't think there is a hard or fast rule.

My first girlfriend and I parted friends, lost touch for a long time and recently re-connected. It was just as though no time had passed.

My 19-year ex and I, no way. Over a year ago, she came to me with a big story about a recurrence of a prior brain tumor, with a week to live.

Previous brain tumor= true. Recurrence with a week to live=not true. After running around, sucked in, helping get her affairs in order and then finding out it was a manipulation-the total end for me. Never again.

A couple of months ago she came to my door, uninvited, to tell me she had breast cancer. I told her I could not help her- if it were true but how could I believe her? I sent her away and still hope I did the right thing but she had lied once too many times to me.

Another ex and I kind of drifted apart and each of us started dating other people. We really are not right for each other but genuinely like each other. We still text and talk on the phone almost every day. She asks me femme questions and I ask her butch ones! She tells me about her dates and I tell her about mine.

I think that we might always be friends.

The one rule about relationships is: there are no rules!

[Soft*Silver]

I DO have issues about exes now because of two past experiences and have told anyone who dared come close to me that I dont tolerate imbedded exes in an "us". chrissy's ex is not a problem NOW. She tried to be, long distance. She wanted him back, yet approached me to be a friend.

She might have approached me to be her friend but I was reading her emails to him, as he showed them to me. She was telling him she wanted him back and tried to tell him how I wasnt the one for him. VERY different than what she was telling me.

Deceitfulness is painful for someone to grasp and believe about someone they once loved. Sometimes it blinds them. When a partner is blinded to negative things their ex can do, its time to leave. However, her behavior toward me hurt chrissy even more, and he saw her for who she was, not who she wanted him to believe her to be.

They had a 20 year marriage before she walked out on him for someone else. Hurt him terribly. Damn near killed him. I knew how lethal she was by this alone but she proved to be so much more lethal after the divorce thru other things she did. When I came into the picture and we became more than Missus and sub, I put my foot down and said chose now because I will never trust her because of this. He had kept her in his life because they had shared 20 years together. But there comes a time when someone proves them self bad. Unworthy of friendship. Its not an easy thing for someone to walk away from a past that held such strong strings. But wrong is wrong and if he wanted to move on, he had that decision to make. And he did.

this is what builds relationships. Momentum. Hand in hand. The two of you chose a path and decide to walk it together. If you let someone else interfere, its not to be. They dont HAVE to interfere, but if they do, your decisions about your current will determine if you stay in the past, or move together...

thankfully, not all exes are involved for the wrong reason. However, some are. and this is where the distinction lies about if one can be friends with an ex...

[VintageFemme]

I think so. If given enough to time to heal any wounds or put away any left over baggage, yeah I believe so. I am friends with all of my exes save for one, and I think I would be now with that one as well. Of course I've never been in a relationship that included infidelity or something equally as hurtful so perhaps I might feel differently if I had been, but I have learned the hard way that life is just too short to carry around anger or bitterness for too long. You have to learn to let go & forgiveness truly is freeing. And there was something that brought you two together in the first place anyhow, so in the end hopefully that something is still there and each of you can learn to love that something in a different light, together apart.

[GraffitiBoi]

I used to think you couldn't, and then I thought you could. But now I think it depends on the ex.

My ex 'J' and I cannot be friends and have actually ended our friendship for good yesterday. I won't get into the details, but I will say that trying to be friends with her got in the way of me being able to be in a relationship with anyone else. It took getting my heart broken recently to see that clearly. Lesson learned. I only wish I had learned this lesson much earlier.

My ex 'A' and I are actually good friends. We tend to forget we ever dated since there never was really any passion there. We did love each other but it was never in a romantic way. We basically were roommates with occasional benefits. She doesn't ever get in the way of me being with someone else and she never tries to control me in any way. She's like a sister to me and is the only person I have really ever trusted with anything important. We don't talk often, and see each other even less, but if I was in trouble she'd try and help or listen without judging me or lecturing me. When she needs a babysitter for her 2 year old daughter I often volunteer. So although she is an ex, I don't think of her that way. She's just another friend.

Other than that, I have no contact with any other exes. I see no reason for it. I never loved them. I cared for them at one time but that's about it.

[AzAshburn]

It really depends on the way you broke up with them. As for me, I seldom keep in touch with my exes after we decided to live our lives in separate ways. It's simply because I don't see any reasons to stay friends with them. Past is past, they were there once, the relationship didn't work so just let it be.

I did try to keep the friendship with my last ex-girlfriend, whom i was with for nearly six years before she left me for a man. Things did not work out since i still had feelings for her at that time and seeing her moving on with her new boyfriend was too much for me to bear, so i cut all the ties. She still searched for me until last year. I changed my phone number and distanced myself away from her not long after that.. Sometimes, it's not because you don't love them or do not want them in your life anymore, but you need to leave the past in the past and move forward... They are exes for some reasons anyway..

[PumaJ]

I am friends with three of my exes :hk27:

[wahya]

I never used to think so. But yeah depends on a lot of things..But I do agree it can happen. My ex and I have a very special common factor. ( Our love for our kids and and grandkids ) So it makes it easier to make sure we all get along. Took some time but I believe we are getting there.

[SuddenlyWestFemme]

I agree with those who said "It depends."

If there is still pain over an ex... even if it ended with honesty... I don't think friendship is wise.

If there was cheating or dishonesty... I actually think forgiveness can happen and with forgiveness can come friendship. I forgave my ex who lied and cheated because they made an amends that was genuine. I know it is wise to forgive regardless, but the amends makes it easier to move to friendship. I am not ready for a friendship with this person because the situation still causes me pain. But one day... when there is no pain... we may be able to be friends. Only time will tell.

I think the hardest for me has been to remain friends when someone leaves your life without a goodbye. Even if you hurt or upset them... going without a goodbye just seems so mean. But again, if they no longer cause pain... then friendship is possible even in this situation. Although, it would be hard for me to trust that they wouldn't just decide to leave again with no notice... and I guess that is a form of pain... so this one might not work for me.

So nothing new here... it depends. :)

[cuddlyfemme]

I'm another one who says it depends.
I think it depends how things ended mainly and what happened that ended the relationship. I have several ex's that I'm not friends with but I have several that have turned into wonderful friends

[GeeGina]

I can't say being friends with an ex has ever worked for me (and by ex I mean someone I was in an actual relationship with). I prefer the clean break, myself.

Of course, that's easy for me to say. The closest I came to a custody battle or division of assets was over a comfy college sweatshirt. Had there been children or a longer, shared history together...I'd probably think differently.

Lately, I've been dating mostly older women and they have a much healthier, more centered idea of parting. Grateful for the time we shared together and with good wishes and thoughts for the road ahead (and I was the one who was being "dismissed").

I could see myself possibly connecting with a few, maybe even meeting for a friendly glass of wine or coffee. But - I'd certainly buy myself a new dress and some good lipstick first.

[macele]

every time i see this thread i think of the old msn chats (gone but not forgotten). the bot would randomly appear in the room and ask the question, ... can you be friends with your ex? i wish that i could remember her name LOL. the bots name, of course. not the ex.

[nina03]

I'm friends with almost everyone I've been seriously involved with, and most of the ones I've been casually involved with, too. The only exceptions either cheated, lied, or were abusive. There are a couple of people that I don't see or speak to, just because we've fallen out of touch, but if we lived in the same area, we'd be friendly. I guess I feel like if I liked you well enough as a person to date you or sleep with you, then I like you well enough as a person to be friends when the sex/romance part of things ends. That all said, it sure makes Thanksgiving dinner interesting sometimes, with all those exes around my table. They all know me well, and I don't get away with much of anything.

[peachy]

Only my ex husband, and only because of our little girl I put the effort in to reshape our relationship because as far as I'm concerned - She loves him...so I better find a way to love him too. This took a lot of soul searching, and a lot of talking. The effort has paid off and finally we talk to each other more like friends although we still argue more than I would like.

Today he said he had googled some pics of a sexy actress he likes. He said I should check her out. I said I know his type and it's highly unlikely that she will do it for me. I asked if she is anything like KD Lang. He says - K.D Lang!?You really are a proper lesbian! Which made me laugh. I mentioned something about a friend of ours today and he said she's fit (hot). He's right - she is. I said am I fit? He says yes you are actually, but you're gay. Funny he never gave me complements when we were married and I expected him to say...hmmm, you're ok.

The way he dealt with our marriage break up has given me more respect for him, and I care about him deeply now. He's probably my best friend.

[Katniss]

Of course you can! I'm friends with most of my exes. Funny thing last year I was at an outdoor concert (k.d. lang no less) and looked around at my friends and suddenly realized 3 of the 4 women on the picnic blanket were my exes and the 4th was my date. I guess because I am really discerning (ok, fine....picky) about who I get involved with I can't imagine not wanting to be their friend after the more carnal part of the relationship is over. This actually holds true no matter who initiates the break-up. I also don't value my worth by whether or not I am with someone nor do I take it personally if something ends. Like colors on a canvas, some just work better together than others do. Doesn't mean I won't feel sad or bummed but I try and hold the good stuff and release the bad. I will say for myself that when it's over it's over as far as a "relationship." To sort of cement that idea I am a firm believer in a hiatus in communication until alllll the feelings have died out. I see way too many folks doing the "come-here-go-away-come-here" dance. Some exes I can be friends with sooner than others. I think the records were 10 days (mutual break-up) and 3 years (she lied and cheated.) I have also set an ex up with someone I think would be a good fit and one such pairing has lasted 7 years. I'm happy, I like to see other people happy. Each person in my life has been like a mirror, showing me different parts of myself, and for that I am grateful. I count it a bonus that not only do I want to be their friend, but they also want to be mine. :gimmehug:


Katniss~~(rich in friends...)

[PoeticSilence]

I'm friends with most of my exes. Some it's taken longer to be friends with. Others, well...it could be easier if they put some effort into it and realized that there are no hard and fast rules that say I have to accept any lies going forward.

[JAGG]

Absolutely. I am friends with most.

[Happyfemme]

Yes definitely, as I stop and think about it I am friends with several of them. The degree to which I have contact with each of them varies. I think if the person cheated, lied or had difficulty making good choices about certain things then that might be a different situation.

[SaltyButch]

I am friends with most of my ex's, oddly enough the only one I'm not, clearly stated from the get go, should we break up she would never be my friend. I find it interesting that you chose to give yourself to this person for one reason or the other, so why when things end and granted it depends how it ends you wouldn't at some point still cherish what you shared...but still even if it ended badly they were special at some point. I'm a firm believer that people come into your life for a reason, even if it's to learn a lesson you wish you could have lived without.

[JDeere]

Yes I think you can if the relationship was left on good terms. I am friends with say 4 of my ex's only due to that fact. But I can see why some folks are not friends with their ex's.

[AnAwkwardAccident]

I don't know. I'm friends with one of my ex's, but she constantly crosses lines and blurs boundaries....so my ex is more of an acquaintance than a friend. For example, she asked me to take photos of her in lingerie to send to her current girlfriend. ....I said no, but was totally caught off guard. Somehow I seem to be attracted to folks with boundary issues.

[D Phryxus]

Yes "it depends"
However, in my experience and in seeing similar situations with others...very rarely does this work out.

The only ex I still associate with is only an ex because we now have 5k miles between us. We still have feelings for each other and if distance were not a factor we would still be in a sexual/romantic relationship.
The other exes and I don't speak to each other unless we are at an event and run into each other. We are civil but I wouldn't say we are friends.

Part of me really wishes I could be optimistic about exes as friends. I want to believe it can happen. However, I would always advise caution. There is a reason that person is no longer in your life.

[MysticOceansFL]

Yes "it depends"
However, in my experience and in seeing similar situations with others...very rarely does this work out.

The only ex I still associate with is only an ex because we now have 5k miles between us. We still have feelings for each other and if distance were not a factor we would still be in a sexual/romantic relationship.
The other exes and I don't speak to each other unless we are at an event and run into each other. We are civil but I wouldn't say we are friends.

Part of me really wishes I could be optimistic about exes as friends. I want to believe it can happen. However, I would always advise caution. There is a reason that person is no longer in your life.






In every situation is dealt with differently same with ex's and not all will turn out the same where as I'm friends with an ex and another I don't even talk to her and her and I live in the same state!

[candy_coated_bitch]

For me, the answer is overwhelmingly no. If I break up with someone it's for a reason. I think if there are still feeling involved it's an awful idea! But yeah. It depends on the situation and people. I have exactly one ex I am still good friends with. And we had a very close friendship before we ever got involved, and it took time and space.

I think the potential for drama is high.

[cinnamongrrl]

I think it definitely depends on the ex. In light of recent events, I have become more open to this possibility than I once was....

[Orema]

I'm friendly with most exes, but we're not friends. If we run into each other, we'll hug, smile, and all that jazz ... or we'll connect once or twice a year (if that) to catch up on old news—who died, got married, came out, had a baby, etc.— but that's as far as it goes with me.

I think people unconsciously send messages to each other, so being friends with an ex is not a good idea to me.

[Jesse]

I am on friendly terms with most of my exes. After all, they still have the qualities they possessed that attracted me to them in the first place and are for the most part, really good people. However, I would not choose to be a part of their everyday life, because it would be too much like dragging the past into today. The past is done, and I live in the now. :)

[Bubala]

All do respect to those who can...But for most people there are reasons why exes are exes...

Then again what do I know... I don't really have a past... My partner of many many wars was my first my last, my only, my everything.... ;(

[Virago]

It definitely does depend, but I can say that I'm fortunate that I'm friends with most all of my exes except for 2 or 3. My ex from 4 years ago came back into my life after she broke up with her gf (who didn't allow her to talk with any of her exes) and is now one of my best friends. I also count an ex of mine from 20 years ago as one of my best friends. And other of my exes are definitely still very important in my life.

I decided to date these women and become involved with them because besides being very attracted to them sexually, I also respected them strongly. And after both of us mourned the break up enough, we would realize that the parts we respected remained....we just didn't gel for a life together.

[Nattih]

I largely refuse to acknowledge the fact that my exes still exist on earth. I do give fair warning that this is how I operate. No one walks into our relationship being taken by surprise at my actions when it ends. I'm incapable of handling rejection. Is it a flaw? Absolutely. But it's been me since I was 1 year old.

There is one ex that I am still friends with as a special case.

[imperfect_cupcake]

When my parents got together, they had been lab partners in university together and best friends. So when they divorced, after time apart and new partners, they became incredibly close friends again. They never were cruel to each other after breaking up and never spoke bad of each other in front of the kids.

I learned how to act with break ups from their example, for which I am very grateful.
My first first long term relationship was with my closest friend of a few years and breaking up and losing that friendship was agreed to be an utter and needless waste. I'm still friends with him - we still needed time apart to get used to the break.

Every time the friendship has not worked is when I missed them too much to not be able to keep the wise rule of at least several months apart (and sometimes a year or so) to recalibrate myself independently. Too soon back into a friendship ruins it. Too many hurt feelings still abound, and being unable to put things in perspective.

Granted, I'm never friends with people who have fucked me about. But exes where the relationship just wasn't working out because our emotional or communication differences, or grew apart or changed, then of course I'd want to keep the friendship.

Exes are exes for a reason, but often the reasons aren't because they are an innate arsehole or cheat, often the reason is you just aren't a long term *romantic* match for compatibility reasons. And nothing to do with nastiness.

[*Anya*]

My ex-bio husband I have no relationship with but when my oldest daughter graduated from college, we wound up sitting in the same row, almost next to each other. My daughter said that she almost fainted to see us cordial with each other. It was for my daughter. Of all days, her college graduation demanded it!

When both my daughters married, we again were cordial and superficially friendly but never will we be friends.

My first GF and I are still friends.

My long-term ex still sends me emails about her thrilling and exciting life (which I do not respond to but I get them anyway). Exaggeration and fibs were her stock in trade. I guess I feel some pity for her so I do not block her. Friends we will never be but I do not hate her.

Overall, whether I still feel fondness or dislike, for me, the word friend connotes a level of deep trust and with an ex; trust is pretty much gone.

Friendship-no.

[Stone-Butch]

My ex of 22 yrs and I are still friends, always will be. My ex of 11 yrs is now with the butch she cheated with and I have zero contact even though we live in the same apt. building. Life goes on and dating is not such a bad thing. Some exs are worth keeping in mind , some you just have to let go and continue with your own life.

[Virago]

Granted, I'm never friends with people who have fucked me about. But exes where the relationship just wasn't working out because our emotional or communication differences, or grew apart or changed, then of course I'd want to keep the friendship.

Exes are exes for a reason, but often the reasons aren't because they are an innate arsehole or cheat, often the reason is you just aren't a long term *romantic* match for compatibility reasons. And nothing to do with nastiness.

Exactly. Thank you for wording it perfectly

[MsTinkerbelly]

I have never been "friends" with an ex...I try to remain friendly, but not friends.

My ex-husband (father of my child), is still a part of my life because of my daughter...we have never said one nasty word about each other, and always put her welfare first. But friends? No...he doesn't keep boundaries well, and used to try and have sex if we were alone.

[jools66]

it really depends on how you parted.
like some ppl have said here, sometimes a break is needed to get to know yourself again just for you.
personally speaking, i see no problem being friends with a ex.
as long as you keep to the boundaries that you know just friendship entails.
the best exe's/now friends are the ones you started out just being friends with in the first place.
am a great believer in, if its meant to be and you have real respect for one another then you can be friends.
because lets face it, real true friends are hard to come by, and you will always find that out when ya down on ya luck.

[gotoseagrl]

Only if there is a truly mutual respect and selfless desire to wish the best for each other. That's what friendship is based on.

It's also possible to hope they will be happy, as a friend, even if you can't stay in touch. As others have said, the only ones I've been able to consider a friend are those who were true friends to begin with. In my experience, someone who truly cared about you would still wish you well, and luckily that's been the case for almost all of mine.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I think it makes a difference that I have many exes, rather than one or two. I also don't tend to get serious super quickly. So if we stop seeing each other after 6 months, a year, 18 months, I haven't started living with them, I haven't merged lives with them and I am not sure we will be together forever yet anyway.

To me that is utterly different in terms of becoming friends than someone I was with for five years who cheated on me after we got married.

[Talon]

Fuck no....

[Nattih]

My friendships are just as deep and intimate as my relationships. I have taken off work to fly into a different state just because my good friend was lonely. I regularly ask my bff for no questions asked favors and they are never an issue. She is golden. If any of my friends asked me for my entire next paycheck, I'd give it to them, no doubt. Friends aren't a hi and bye type of thing to me.

Chances are if you did not cut the muster as a significant other, you aren't going to be capable of/want to engage in the types of friendships that I cherish either.

[storyspinner70]

Outside of the couple abusive assholes and a cheating bitch, the majority of my exes just faded away naturally...they just...weren't that important in my life anymore and neither was I in theirs. It was all very amicable. My last girlfriend and I were friends for awhile but that inevitably blew up. I say inevitably because the main reason we broke up was because talking to her was like me speaking French and her speaking Portugese...We might could muddle through understanding a few things, but in general, we just couldn't get what the other was saying. That made the friendship just as fraught as our romantic relations were.

[MrSunshine]

Yep, as long as they are not a raging douche.

[imperfect_cupcake]

My friendships are just as deep and intimate as my relationships. I have taken off work to fly into a different state just because my good friend was lonely. I regularly ask my bff for no questions asked favors and they are never an issue. She is golden. If any of my friends asked me for my entire next paycheck, I'd give it to them, no doubt. Friends aren't a hi and bye type of thing to me.

Chances are if you did not cut the muster as a significant other, you aren't going to be capable of/want to engage in the types of friendships that I cherish either.

I think perhaps because I'm an extrovert I have lots of different kinds of friendships and see value in all of them. I need my friendly but not intense friendships just as much as I need my friends who have been with my closet core group for 32 years. I have friends who are like cousins, friends who I have a beer with and we just have a great laugh. I have friends do I swap massages with and chat and gossip about school and never see each other outside of that context.

I love people in that people are my books. I like reading them, enjoying them for just the story that they are. I like having deep and meaningful passing conversation with people I might never see again. I love talking to strangers. I love a chat.

I know that for others, mostly my exes, who are die hard introverts, they only want a very small core number of people in their lives of the highest caliber because people wear them out.

Me, I love and need Champagne friends, roast beef dinner friends and a packet of crisps friends.

So perhaps it's just how we also view friendships in general and extroversion/introversion might play into that.

[job]

I think so. For me personally, the three women that I had the longest relationships with--two were girlfriends=monogamous relationships, the third was a little harder to define- are all still friends of mine. The two that were actual girlfriends, we still have fun together, share the same beliefs, etc., and get along better now than before. There's no reason for tension or stress anymore. No jealousy, and so on. The third, we are still very close, however, not as close as before. But, friends...absolutely.

[Talon]

Yeah....to each their own, and all that..but, once a bell has been rung, it cannot be unrung. You and I will not share some sort of diluted-down sort of relationship, that is a crutch for the both of us, where we put off the inevitable. We will not be BFF's that have "coffee talk". I say this from the get go...and if we are close friends for years?
I never risk that for temporary "lust"...the reality is that the majority of romantic relationships do crash and burn. I will not risk something I value that has had proven success in the past..for something that's essentially a crap shoot. It has nothing to do with how it ended (good...bad, or indifferent). I prefer a clean cut.

>>>>MO

[Stronghealer]

Were they good to you?
Did they disengage from queerdom, and began life anew?
Did they cheat?
Were they good to you?
Were the abusive?


I am friends with some,exes with no contact or connection with others,and deeply miss others- I am not speaking with.

The abusive ones - I wish never to speak with.

[Talon]

[QUOTE=MrSunshine;1031437]Yep, as long as they are not a raging douche.[/QUOTE
Wow...you are truly exceptional....

[Cin]

I would have been happy to be friends with most of my exes. In a few cases I actually believed it was going to happen. But it never really did materialize. I hold no animosity toward them and I don't believe any of my exes dislikes me as a person. The relationship just didn't work out for one reason or another but none ended badly or with hard feelings. So you would think the door would be wide open since, speaking for myself, I still care deeply about all my exes. But the friendship never did last. I always feel bad when I think about that. I try to review to see what I might have done that contributed to not having a friendship but I honestly don't know. Every so often I will send an email or something to say hey to one of them and there will be a short flurry of conversation but then it will just peter out and in a year or so I'll wonder what happened and be back trying to figure out why I can't keep any of my exes as friends.

[Shystonefem]

Some I could be friends with but their new girlfriends/wives won't let them.

Others, not in a million years.

I tried to reach out to my ex that I was with for almost 11 years (because she was sick for a long time) and her GF says "Stay the F... away from my wife". Ummm LOL

[MrSunshine]

[QUOTE=MrSunshine;1031437]Yep, as long as they are not a raging douche.[/QUOTE
Wow...you are truly exceptional....



Well,yeah.

[kittygrrl]

Yep, as long as they are not a raging douche.

honestly Mr Sunshine, referring to anyone as a "douche" makes one wonder who has the problem, imo. What you contemplate in private reflection is your own affair, but a woman observing such declarations (of a woman you at some point cared for), wince.

[Angeltoes]

I've never had a relationship where we just drifted apart - there was always a big reason why it ended. Also, sometimes I wish I more extroverted like cupcake but I definitely do not have friends for different occasions. I'm an introvert and if I let someone into my bubble in real life that's significant to me. I'm friendly to everyone, but being friendly and being friends are totally different things. Once the relationship is over a wall comes down and it never comes back up for that person again.

[Nat]

Is there something personal going on here or are we really forbidden from referring to any single one of our exes as a raging douche because I think I probably have dated at least one raging douche in my life. And maybe have earned the title before myself. :)

Or is this like a feminist argument?

[JDeere]

Is there something personal going on here or are we really forbidden from referring to any single one of our exes as a raging douche because I think I probably have dated at least one raging douche in my life. And maybe have earned the title before myself. :)

Or is this like a feminist argument?

Not sure but thanks for asking this, I was about to do the same!

I have dated a few raging douches myself! I myself have had that title as well!

[imperfect_cupcake]

I've dated a couple cunts. A few pricks. Several assholes. A useless fuck or two... But haven't had the pleasure of having dinner with a vaginal rinse yet.

And I'm very much a feminist.

And a complete tit.

[MrSunshine]

honestly Mr Sunshine, referring to anyone as a "douche" makes one wonder who has the problem, imo. What you contemplate in private reflection is your own affair, but a woman observing such declarations (of a woman you at some point cared for), wince.



Here's a lesson in reading left to right and NOT reading into things. " yes, as long as THEY ARE NOT a raging douche". Unwinch

[kittygrrl]

Here's a lesson in reading left to right and NOT reading into things. " yes, as long as THEY ARE NOT a raging douche". Unwinch

to each his own:tea:

[*Anya*]

Paraphrasing Urban Dictionary:

Douche:

Comparing someone to products that clean vaginas.


http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=douche



Yes, I think it is a sexist thing to say to an ex or about an ex.

[Glenn]

I really do not know what happened to mine. I certainly do not feel inclined toward calling them crude names... I am above all that. I respect folks who know how to STILL be friends with their ex's, and STILL treat them well. It shows me how educated some people are, regarding their past relationships.

[imperfect_cupcake]

You know, some of us just use crude language in general, as we speak. I also use self deprecatory humour and tease my friends abut being raging sluts. I get called a cunt by my friends on occasion and with great cheer.

It's a different concept of social interaction. I do not feel put down when someone in my social group calls me "hey moose flaps" or my best mate called me titsy fat arse.
Btw, flaps are another word for vaginal lips aka piss flaps.
I'm Canuck, therefore I get called moose flaps.

I'm actually a really politically active person, I am in a very caring and health care orientated job, I went to *finishing school* even, as a young teen. If I want to pull very good upper class manners out of my hip pocket, I will.

Most of the time, I don't fucking feel like it. And oddly enough, it's pretty rare someone who meets me *in person* finds me offensive. Mostly my verbiage makes people laugh. A lot.

Because they can see my body language, hear my tone of voice, and see my grin. That's not possible on here so I usually temper it. But guess what, *some* of my exes were cunts/pricks/arseholes.

And sometimes I am a *massive* tit.

If you are offended by "rough" language unbecoming of a "lady" (#sarcasm) then you likely be offended by me in the future.

PS. Pussy farts

[kittygrrl]

yes you can, eventually(with most)

[clay]

Yes, sometimes I can.....and others no way.

[Shystonefem]

My ex tries to stay in touch will all of her exs because she, eventually, tries to get back with them. It is like a rotating door....

Only 2 (me and her ex before me) won't speak to her. She is now with her ex from when she was 17. I figure my turn won't come up for another 10 years or so. Too bad, so sad..... my answer will always be "not for a million dollars".

[AVATAR]

it really depends on the 2 exes and how it ended i think. Its hard to be just friends with someone you might still be in love with. Though once the anger and pain has subsided, i think its possible.

[trixie]

I really don't care to be friends with my exes. Feh.

And ftiw, I can certainly use rude language--especially when discussing exes. I yam what I yam.

[Tuff Stuff]

I kind of moved on you could say.I wish them all a happy life and that's about it.

[Liam]

Sometimes, it happens.

[JDeere]

IMO if you haven't used what some deem as crude language about someone besides yourself then you have issues.

I use crude language describing myself and others, it's how I am so this stuff about being a pissing match because someone read the post wrong is BS.

I thought we were past judging but I guess not.