Where do I fit in?

[laruss]

As a bi woman who has been married (to a man) but who has been in love with a woman I find I have no place.
I enjoy men and women and always have. I find that the lesbian community considers me to be a fence sitter and I am not welcomed and the hetro community considers me maladjusted and doesn't want to know. Most men are okay if you are sleeping with other women, but most women are not okay with you sleeping with a man.

I find that I have no place and constantly feel like I am on the peripheral not really belonging anywhere.

So... my question then is, where do I fit in? And am I the only one who feels this way?

Where is my community??

[genghisfawn]

Hi laruss,

Welcome! Sometimes the popular opinion is only popular by a small margin... this is how minority governments are made. :) Remember that not everyone in the queer community is biphobic or will be unwelcoming to bisexual women. Those who mind don't matter, and those who don't matter don't mind, and all that. :)

As for community... what kind of community do you seek? My high school chaplain loved to tell the story of an old man who used to sit at the roadside at the gates to a big city. He met a newcomer and welcomed him, asking him what his old city had been like. The newcomer said, "My old city was full of people who were selfish, hateful, fickle and materialistic. I was glad to leave them." The old man shook his head sadly and said, "So you shall find them in the city ahead." Awhile later, another newcomer came and, upon asking the same questions, the newcomer replied, "The people in my old city were kind, selfless, good and loving. I hated to leave them." The old man smiled and nodded, saying, "So you shall find them in the city ahead."

I know you'll seek community - you took the first step by coming here! Cream rises to the top. Good to meet you, neighbour!

:tea:

[Maria]

You are definitely in the right place.

Welcome to the Planet!

[Scuba]

Welcome :)

[grenade]

nice to meet you!


isn't genghisfawn awesome????

[genghisfawn]

nice to meet you!


isn't genghisfawn awesome????

Grenaaaaaaade is my biggest femme-crush! ;)

Welcome again, Laruss. :) You know you'll have fun settling in with us babes!

[clay]

hey laruss...welcome...live your life on YOUR OWN terms..and offer NO apologies...no one else's.
Like Genghis wrote..."those who mind don't matter" and those who matter, don't mind"...grins

[Sassy]

As a bi woman who has been married (to a man) but who has been in love with a woman I find I have no place.
I enjoy men and women and always have. I find that the lesbian community considers me to be a fence sitter and I am not welcomed and the hetro community considers me maladjusted and doesn't want to know. Most men are okay if you are sleeping with other women, but most women are not okay with you sleeping with a man.

I find that I have no place and constantly feel like I am on the peripheral not really belonging anywhere.

So... my question then is, where do I fit in? And am I the only one who feels this way?

Where is my community??



I thoroughly empathize.

Here's some psychic hugs.

[betenoire]

Hi Laruss. Nice to see more Canadians.

I want to say "roll it off your back" but I get that it's not always that easy. So I won't.

What I will say is this: people who are assholes will behave like assholes, and people who rock will go ahead and rock. You need to find the people who rock. And they're out there. I've been lucky enough to have had a really stellar real life community of people from all orientations and genders who really just love the hell out of one another.

And anybody who would try to police your sexuality? In addition to their behaviour being astoundingly un-feminist...they are not worth your time.

[Morgan]

Welcome Laruus.

[Miss Scarlett]

hey laruss...welcome...live your life on YOUR OWN terms..and offer NO apologies...no one else's.
Like Genghis wrote..."those who mind don't matter" and those who matter, don't mind"...grins

Welcome laruss! Glad you are here!

Wonderful words of wisdom from Clay - especially the quite from Genghis...

YOUR life...YOUR terms!

[weatherboi]

Glad you are here!!!
i hope you find this to be a fun and safe place to hang and socialize!!!

[LaneyDoll]

As a bi woman who has been married (to a man) but who has been in love with a woman I find I have no place.
I enjoy men and women and always have. I find that the lesbian community considers me to be a fence sitter and I am not welcomed and the hetro community considers me maladjusted and doesn't want to know. Most men are okay if you are sleeping with other women, but most women are not okay with you sleeping with a man.

I find that I have no place and constantly feel like I am on the peripheral not really belonging anywhere.

So... my question then is, where do I fit in? And am I the only one who feels this way?

Where is my community??

Been there! I have had people tell me that I am not a "true lesbian" because I have been with men-even though I really do not consider myself to be bisexual.

So, what do you do? You stick to your guns, you let go of those who bring you down (or try to) and in time, you will find yourself surrounded by people who accept you for you.

BFP is a great place to start finding those people ;)

Welcome to the Planet!

:sparklyheart:

[EnderD_503]

Always great to see more Canadians showing up here :D

It's really shitty that you've had that experience. I don't know much about lgbt centres over there in Alberta, here in T.O. we have community centres and health centres that run support groups and social groups for various identities, including bisexual folks. Maybe try places like that for RL community if you have such centres in your area? Sometimes the mainstream lgbt community isn't particularly as inclusive when it comes to the B and the T, so you have to start looking outside the mainstream and into the queer community. And as others have said, ignore the assholes. It will probably seem like a tough thing to do now, but once you've found a community that is truly queer-positive for all that queer encompasses, you might find it gets easier to stomach the assholes.

[JAGG]

You are always welcome here, glad you found us.

[Novelafemme]

Welcome, Laruss :)

To echo what everyone else has said, welcome to the planet!! Sorry you've felt alienated elsewhere, but I doubt you'll experience that here!

xoxo, Novela

[SelfMadeMan]

As a bi woman who has been married (to a man) but who has been in love with a woman I find I have no place.
I enjoy men and women and always have. I find that the lesbian community considers me to be a fence sitter and I am not welcomed and the hetro community considers me maladjusted and doesn't want to know. Most men are okay if you are sleeping with other women, but most women are not okay with you sleeping with a man.

I find that I have no place and constantly feel like I am on the peripheral not really belonging anywhere.

So... my question then is, where do I fit in? And am I the only one who feels this way?

Where is my community??

Your community is here! You fit in here and plenty of people on the Planet are more than happy to welcome you with open arms and give you a place to socialize. As for outside the forums, in your community, I would urge you to keep looking and keep trying... I'm sorry you've experienced this type of prejudice from the LGBTQ community, but not everyone is like that. I've had similar experiences as a transman, but for all the negative experiences I've had, I've had twice that in positive ones :)
Welcome to the Planet!

[laruss]

Thank you to everyone who responded. I do have a great group of friends who accept me for who I am, however in looking for that special someone it gets a bit tougher.

I realized last night that really I am not even bi, I really am pangender. Will this make it even more confusing?

I have never really understood the labels. My mother was married twice to men, then in two committed relationships with women. She had been in a relationship with a woman for 22 years when she died. My brother is a gay man so I have always been around all orientations. I always just thought of people as people. It's the person I fall in love with, not the outer package or their label.

That is not as acceptable out here in the real world. You must label and identify with said label. I don't... or I didn't until I found this new label, lol, now I can call myself pangender and confuse people even more.

I think I will check and see about what support groups we have here.

Thank you again to everyone who responded.

[EnderD_503]

It'll probably be confusing for the same people who took issue with bisexuality...but there are many people out there in the queer community who have no problem understanding why a person chooses to identify as pangender or pansexual. It's just a matter of breaking out of the homonormative community and finding those with a more inclusive outlook. Good luck! :D And yeah, if you can definitely try support groups. Might also give you tips on finding events and stuff.

[Ebon]

As a bi woman who has been married (to a man) but who has been in love with a woman I find I have no place.
I enjoy men and women and always have. I find that the lesbian community considers me to be a fence sitter and I am not welcomed and the hetro community considers me maladjusted and doesn't want to know. Most men are okay if you are sleeping with other women, but most women are not okay with you sleeping with a man.

I find that I have no place and constantly feel like I am on the peripheral not really belonging anywhere.

So... my question then is, where do I fit in? And am I the only one who feels this way?

Where is my community??

Maybe you can find a group of human beings that don't give a damn who you sleep with and just accept you for you. Welcome to the planet. :)

[princessbelle]

Major hugs to you!!!!!

Many of us here know what it's like to feel that you don't fit in. I used to feel that way coming from a 17 year marriage to a bio man, knowing i was a lesbian but was a femme who liked butches. I felt so freaking alone in the world. It's not a good feeling. I found these sites and wow it felt good to find other peeps like me out there. Even if it is online, it's a start.

YOU are WELCOME here!!!!!! YOU have community here. Get to know the peeps on this site. You will find, for the most part, we are so open to all ways of thinking and loving and living and breathing and growing....

WE are glad you are here Larus.

Welcome Home!!!!!

http://dl5.glitter-graphics.net/pub/733/733895zl8k1fkhwd.gif (http://www.glitter-graphics.com)

[Gemme]

:welcome: to the Planet!!!

[Ginger]

Oh Laruss, I feel for you. It sucks to feel on the outside, not fitting in, judged unfairly.

If it's any consolation, I think most people feel that way at some point in their lives.

Take me, for example (you know that was coming, right? LOL) I often feel like I don't fit into various GLBT communities, though I adore and totally crush on big butch dykes.

Maybe you're like me, in that you'll always have a small but significant group of friends, and your connections with people will be based on elusive stuff that isn't visible at first, like your values, aesthetics, interests—not that sexual preference isn't a valid, heart-based common ground for community and friendship.

So hang in there, be yourself, and let your energy find other energy like it. You'll be just fine.

[Medusa]

Laruss!

You are exactly ok just the way you are and whatever way you have a relationship or have sex and whoever you choose to do it with of any gender is perfect just the way you choose it.

xo

[AlexHunter]

Hello and welcome! :) Plenty of people on this forum will not judge you. After all, many of us have been judged at different times, whether for gender presentation, following the B-F dynamic (which some sadly consider to be succumbing to a patriarchal society and conforming to gender roles), or a million other things that only the other members themselves can state for sure.

I've never had a problem with bi women. In fact, I have dated mostly bi women. I have't specifically sought them out or chased them - it just happened that way. There is usually a mutual appreciation between us and I have heard I am "best of both worlds." :D

I know you have received a good deal of questioning from others and felt singled out, but I hope you feel warm, fuzzy, and welcomed here.

[Soft*Silver]

laruss, diversity is as beautiful in any form it grows in.

I am a lesbian, partnered now with a man, born male but growing toward evolving as a mtf. I once was married to a bio male. i have dated trans men (ftms). I have predominantly been attracted to masculine energy but this person I am with is distinctly feminine. In behavior but not looks. So. There isnt a label you can put on this canned fruit...lol...but I mostly ID as lesbian because it is where my compass points. Tho depends on how I stand and where I look, my magnets take me many places...

[Red-Dragon]

Thank you to everyone who responded. I do have a great group of friends who accept me for who I am, however in looking for that special someone it gets a bit tougher.

I realized last night that really I am not even bi, I really am pangender. Will this make it even more confusing?

I have never really understood the labels. My mother was married twice to men, then in two committed relationships with women. She had been in a relationship with a woman for 22 years when she died. My brother is a gay man so I have always been around all orientations. I always just thought of people as people. It's the person I fall in love with, not the outer package or their label.

That is not as acceptable out here in the real world. You must label and identify with said label. I don't... or I didn't until I found this new label, lol, now I can call myself pangender and confuse people even more.

I think I will check and see about what support groups we have here.

Thank you again to everyone who responded.

i agree with you to fall in love with the person not the label thats how i truely see it but the whole label thing gets me confused so i see it as fall for the person inside and out ignore the label. i'm going to be a odd ball *salutes* welcome to the planet like everyone else says. pssst...p.s. there are places in alberta just gotta find em i heard google is best to find stuff :p again welcome to the planet :byebye:

[Beloved]

Thank you for this post, Laruss. I am brand new here (even though I must have registered some time ago, just forgot about it). I don't really identify as "bisexual." But I went through many years dating only butch women. The last relationship was very dysfunctional and verbally abusive. We split up. Then I dated a man and *gasp* many people in the butch-femme community were horrified! It really hurt. Bad. And it still does. Actually, my straight friends were supportive of me no matter who I was with. And now I am single again, and I really am attracted to butch women (more than I am to bio-men) and I feel so hesitant to try to connect with this community because I feel I may be unwelcome.

[Corkey]

On this site, you are welcome, the Planet is the only site that welcomes diversity in all our colors. So put your fears to rest and get postin'.

[pajama]

Welcome Laruss.

As everyone has said, I think you will find the planet very accepting of who you are, as long as you are yourself. I have many dear friends on here, and I am about as confusing as they come. I'm a little butch, a little femme, a little freak, bi-sexual, although I haven't dated a man in 16 years, love the T-guys, and the curvy femmes. There confused yet? And yet, I am welcome every time I come on here or interact with people from this sight in real time.

You be you, and true friends and compatriots will come along.

A

[ChainerBoi]

I'll second that. Welcome.

[~baby~doll~]

The letters LGBTQ are really great. They identify us as a community or do they.
The answer would better be said they identify us as Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer. Letters are being added to further divide us. It is a shame. I much prefer the term Queer as it includes us all. In a song by Sophie B. Hawkins she says:

We are one body
We are one spirit
One breath
One dream of life and death
One god
One sex

The bold is what queer makes us. We are one body and you certainly fit into the queer community. :wine:

[Girl_On_Fire]

I both dated and slept with biological men until I came out a little over 10 years ago. I've been told by lesbians I'm not a "true lesbian". When I tell people I'm attracted to male-identified butches and trans men then I really get looks like, "Why don't you just date men?"

*shakes head* I love who I love.

Finding and being comfortable in the identity of "queer femme" took time. I still accept the blanket term of "lesbian" just for the sake or argument avoidance but I know fully who I am and who I'm attracted to.

I think eventually humanity will move into a place where gender isn't as much the consideration it is now. It's an evolutionary process. Right now, there's too much "us versus them" across the board.

[TheMerryFairy]

Thank you to everyone who responded. I do have a great group of friends who accept me for who I am, however in looking for that special someone it gets a bit tougher.

I realized last night that really I am not even bi, I really am pangender. Will this make it even more confusing?

I have never really understood the labels. My mother was married twice to men, then in two committed relationships with women. She had been in a relationship with a woman for 22 years when she died. My brother is a gay man so I have always been around all orientations. I always just thought of people as people. It's the person I fall in love with, not the outer package or their label.

That is not as acceptable out here in the real world. You must label and identify with said label. I don't... or I didn't until I found this new label, lol, now I can call myself pangender and confuse people even more.

I think I will check and see about what support groups we have here.

Thank you again to everyone who responded.

I am pansexual, so I certainly understand wheee you are coming from Laruss!!!! It can be difficult for people to understand . Often I notice that I am treated differently based on who I have chosen as a partner but I do feel like there is a really strong, supportive community right here. You, my friend, are more than welcome to message me anytime and I hope you feel the loving acceptance, as I have had, while you continue your journey to embrace yourself and your own expectations.

[JustBeingMe]

As a bi woman who has been married (to a man) but who has been in love with a woman I find I have no place.
I enjoy men and women and always have. I find that the lesbian community considers me to be a fence sitter and I am not welcomed and the hetro community considers me maladjusted and doesn't want to know. Most men are okay if you are sleeping with other women, but most women are not okay with you sleeping with a man.

I find that I have no place and constantly feel like I am on the peripheral not really belonging anywhere.

So... my question then is, where do I fit in? And am I the only one who feels this way?

Where is my community??

Laruss, you've found your community right here, it's called the Planet, it's where we welcome you with open arms and will not judge you for who you choose to be with. I welcome you completely and with open arms. Come chat with us sometime in the chatroom, or feel free to post in the forums, there are tons of threads. .......pssst .........You be who you are and nothing else matters here.
Welcome to the Planet !!

Justy