Insecurities; I worry that women won't/don't like me

[dancer611]

I have always, and continue to, attract primarily straight men. Older, younger, whatever. I've been with several women, but it's harder for me to catch their interest when I'm out and about, it seems. Even if I go to a gay bar or LGBT event, butch women may or may not look me over, but don't approach me. I'm not sure if it's because they think I'm straight (is there anything I can wear/do/etc. to show I'm not?), or because I'm just not attractive to them. This has caused me to worry a lot about the future! Any advice/thoughts?

[Thinker]

I have always, and continue to, attract primarily straight men. Older, younger, whatever. I've been with several women, but it's harder for me to catch their interest when I'm out and about, it seems. Even if I go to a gay bar or LGBT event, butch women may or may not look me over, but don't approach me. I'm not sure if it's because they think I'm straight (is there anything I can wear/do/etc. to show I'm not?), or because I'm just not attractive to them. This has caused me to worry a lot about the future! Any advice/thoughts?

Well, I think it would be mighty fine if *you* approached someone who caught your eye!!! ;)

You never know unless you give it a try!

[SelfMadeMan]

I have always, and continue to, attract primarily straight men. Older, younger, whatever. I've been with several women, but it's harder for me to catch their interest when I'm out and about, it seems. Even if I go to a gay bar or LGBT event, butch women may or may not look me over, but don't approach me. I'm not sure if it's because they think I'm straight (is there anything I can wear/do/etc. to show I'm not?), or because I'm just not attractive to them. This has caused me to worry a lot about the future! Any advice/thoughts?

I can only speak for myself, but when I was single and hanging out at the clubs, I sometimes felt awkward going up and asking a woman to dance, or to buy her a drink - for whatever reason. I would have loved for a woman to approach me - and some did, so I would encourage you to try! You could always send a drink over and break the ice that way - or ask someone to dance. Don't be scared to take a chance! Don't judge yourself based on whether or not other people approach you. Be confident in yourself and don't give up :)

[aishah]

i'm extremely shy and terrible at letting people know i'm interested in them, and i have exactly the same problem. *hugs* i'm not sure what the answer is (other than to try and be more comfortable with making the first move!) but i wanted to say i totally get where you're coming from and it sucks. i definitely think it has more to do with shyness/uncertainty than with whether you are attractive.

[Quintease]

I have always, and continue to, attract primarily straight men. Older, younger, whatever. I've been with several women, but it's harder for me to catch their interest when I'm out and about, it seems. Even if I go to a gay bar or LGBT event, butch women may or may not look me over, but don't approach me.

You're not kicking off anyone's gaydar. Either that or you're not looking approachable.

Think of it this way:

Men find women inherently approachable, unless she's jaw-droppingly stunning or holding hands with another man. Men don't have a problem going up to a woman, it doesn't really matter what she looks like, as men have lots of different reasons for approaching different women. One could be to try his luck, or she could remind him of someone, or he could feel sorry for her (I kid you not). Irrelevant of why, most men have been brought up in a society which teaches them that it's the man's job to approach the woman.

Women on the other hand do not approach. Walking down the street or sitting in a bar women don't even meet other peoples eyes. Women have been taught that it's unfeminine, wrong or downright dangerous to approach strangers. This is something that most women have to unlearn once they come out.

To approach someone women need 3 things - Incentive (does she fancy you etc), Approachability from you (will you reject her), and Gaydar (are you a straight woman who could possibly be offended).

You have to (I'm sorry to say this) stop catching men's eyes and stop engaging men when they approach you, if you wish them to stop hitting on you. If not, continue as you are.

With women you have to catch their eye, try to engage them whenever possible, and attempt to emulate some gay behaviours, as "Gaydar" really does exist and is generally tied into non-heteronormative behaviours. So the more 'heteronormative' you are, the less gay you are going to look to others.

Good luck.

[Mr Nice Guy]

Well you can pass the bartender a note with a hi or something and have them pass it to the Butch you like. I just have a couple of drinks and just do it. I figure it's better to try then to wonder what if.

[Electrocell]

I have always, and continue to, attract primarily straight men. Older, younger, whatever. I've been with several women, but it's harder for me to catch their interest when I'm out and about, it seems. Even if I go to a gay bar or LGBT event, butch women may or may not look me over, but don't approach me. I'm not sure if it's because they think I'm straight (is there anything I can wear/do/etc. to show I'm not?), or because I'm just not attractive to them. This has caused me to worry a lot about the future! Any advice/thoughts?

How about going up to them using your womanly wiles and say--- how about buying a femme a drink.

[Chancie]

I love the idea of sending over a drink.

Someone can choose a soft drink if they prefer and

The bartender can help you flirt.

[dancer611]

So...can you give a girl some ideas of gay/"non-hetero" behavior? Are you talking dress? Stance? Attitude? Rainbow flags? ;)

[Gráinne]

I love the idea of sending over a drink.

Someone can choose a soft drink if they prefer and

The bartender can help you flirt.

...except many people don't accept drinks like that anymore.

At the Reunion, where obviously I already knew everyone was gay, a Butch just came up and simply said "Hi, I'm _____". Simple (unless you're very shy).

[Random]

So...can you give a girl some ideas of gay/"non-hetero" behavior? Are you talking dress? Stance? Attitude? Rainbow flags? ;)


You see a butch you think is cute...

Make direct eye contact smiling as hard as you can smile...

(As Tyra says... Smile with those eyes)

Let her/him know that you like what you see with that smile...

Once you have the butch in questions attention, mouth the word *Hi*

If she/he smiles big back and mouths *Hi* back, motion the butch over...

say the words... *You are cute, wanna dance?* or something like that...

Leaves no doubt that you are looking at the butch as a prospective partner and not just a straight girl in a gay bar for the first time...

[Chancie]

...except many people don't accept drinks like that anymore.

At the Reunion, where obviously I already knew everyone was gay, a Butch just came up and simply said "Hi, I'm _____". Simple (unless you're very shy).

Why not? The truth is I don't spend much time in bars.

I'm not very shy in general, but

It would be very hard for me to go up to a stranger to chat or ask them to dance.

I was thinking the bartender would be breaking the ice.

I did initiate contact with Pete, but

She was talking with someone I knew, and

I was with a group of friends.

[Gráinne]

Why not? The truth is I don't spend much time in bars.

I'm not very shy in general, but

It would be very hard for me to go up to a stranger to chat or ask them to dance.

I was thinking the bartender would be breaking the ice.

I did initiate contact with Pete, but

She was talking with someone I knew, and

I was with a group of friends.

I don't spend time in bars, either. I should qualify my statement by saying "no one I know accepts a drink sent over; they are too afraid of tampering". I know I wouldn't.

I can't approach anyone to save my life, but if I did, I would use Random's approach.

[Glenn]

[QUOTE=guihong;555760]I don't spend time in bars, either. I should qualify my statement by saying "no one I know accepts a drink sent over; they are too afraid of tampering". I know I wouldn't.


I don't go to bars either, but if a bartender made the drink themself, and served it to me, or had someone they knew serve it to me, how could it be tampered with?

[Gráinne]

I'm just saying it's my rule that I don't accept drinks sent over. Besides my maybe irrational fear of tampering, sometimes it comes with strings attached and I don't want to invite contact.

I think we're getting away from Dancer's question :).

[Lazy Daze]

Its called the 2x4 syndrome, and sometimes us femmes have to just swing that board hard and pray for the best! Trust me, I worked in a male dominate environment and was asked out and flirted with by mostly men. Politely reject them, and leave it at that. You don't need rainbow flags or anything of the likes... have confidence (most butches find this very attractive), and go up to the butch and say Hi. Flirt your heart out, and if all else fails.. swing that 2x4 hard and tell said Butch you would like to go to dinner (or whatever)! There are no rules in any book that says a butch has to ask out the femme... if that were the case, many of us would still be single! lol

[LaneyDoll]

I'm just saying it's my rule that I don't accept drinks sent over. Besides my maybe irrational fear of tampering, sometimes it comes with strings attached and I don't want to invite contact.

I think we're getting away from Dancer's question :).

I have had a drink tampered with and I lost a weekend because of it.

But, back to the topic...

If you are hanging out at a bar, make friends with the staff. It never hurts for the bartender to know that you are "family" AND single AND possibly looking. Additionally, they might steer away from someone that you really do not want/need to get too close to.

:sparklyheart:

[Soft*Silver]

forget the drink. Next time s/he looks over at you, take out your hankie and drop it intentionally while looking at her/him. Smile and then turn away without picking it up.

If you want to dance, dance...

[Lazy Daze]

I will also add.. there are plenty of places to look for a potential partner that are Not gay bars! I don't know where you are from, but in Indiana they had "lesbian" meetings, support groups, meet n greets, through the GLBT and here in Florida they have a group called ProSuzy that has meetings, outings, dinners, potlucks, camping trips, sporting events, dances etc that are for gay women (single and couples). Just a helpful hint....

[Chancie]

I agree. Bars are not the only place to make friends or to meet someone special though they may be the only game in town in some places. I met Pete in a cafe, and that relaxed atmosphere suits me fine.

[Just_G]

For me, all it takes is some good eye contact and a smile! If I see that, I will come up and talk to you in a heartbeat, ask you to dance if we are in a club, or just continue flirting across the room....all because you sent me a good signal.

I get that people are shy...I know I sure can be, depending on where I am. (shocking, I know!)

You don't need to change the way you dress, or even tote around a rainbow flag...if you see a butch that interests you, flirt. Smile. Say hi. The simplest of gestures to a butch makes all the difference in the world...at least to this butch! :winky:

(not all of us like to be hit with lumber...we can take subtle hints and flirt back from there...lol)

[Quintease]

I pulled all of my partners in seedy bars. Even my current partner was someone I kissed while mashed into an all dyke group in a dark and smoky venue.

The easiest way to pull someone is indeed, 'Hi'. It is also incredibly scary and don't let anyone tell you otherwise! I used to run on the premise that once she(or he) noticed that I'd opened my mouth to speak to him/her, then I had to continue or risk looking the fool.

Most people were polite. One person rolled her eyes and turned her back on me. Quite a few people were charmed ;)

If nothing else it teaches you humility. When someone starts flirting with me now I always give them a moment, even if I'm not interested in them. Partly because I like the attention and partly because I know how much it stings to be instantly rejected.

[CA_BabyCakes]

I always have the same problem, or the only time i get approached is when someone has drinken enough to give them guts, and then they are usually alittle too drunk and it weirds me out :( it sucks.

[Christy51274]

I have had a drink tampered with and I lost a weekend because of it.

But, back to the topic...

If you are hanging out at a bar, make friends with the staff. It never hurts for the bartender to know that you are "family" AND single AND possibly looking. Additionally, they might steer away from someone that you really do not want/need to get too close to.

:sparklyheart:
That makes total sense. Wonder why I never thought of that before? LOL

[LaneyDoll]

That makes total sense. Wonder why I never thought of that before? LOL

I have friends that work at alt bars. They are even on my FB page-lol. It is a good way to keep up with them AND what is going on where they work.

;)

:sparklyheart: