would you date someone with significantly different beliefs?

[aishah]

religious, political, or other...?

this isn't a "all people who believe x are awful and i can't stand them, of course i wouldn't date them" thread...more a...what are your experiences dating across boundaries of belief and conviction? how does belief play into your relationships?

i find this topic really interesting. i have a lot of friends who won't date folks with significantly different religious/political beliefs, even when they have chemistry. i think that totally makes sense, given what they are looking for in a partner.

but for me, i have always dated people with different religious beliefs and often with different political beliefs than mine, so my experience is pretty different from theirs. i haven't found it a barrier most of the time.

one of the exceptions is an ex whose mother didn't want him to marry a non-christian. but she loved me like a daughter...she just didn't want me for a daughter-in-law. i'm really close to him and his family and we are best friends...part of why i moved to kansas was to be closer to them. but that was a huge sticking point when we were together (although it was not the main reason we broke up - we were terrible for each other for lots of other reasons, hehe).

one of the worst dating experiences i've had was with a woman who had very similar political beliefs to mine. the ending of the relationship didn't make any sense to me at all (she basically just...broke off all contact with me and avoided me for no particular reason, according to her). so again it had nothing to do with our beliefs. but i found our similar beliefs didn't really change the nature of the ups and downs in the relationship.

one thing that is really frustrating and common is that all of my partners have tended to make fun of my religious beliefs. both of my current partners do this, and so do two of my exes who i am still close friends with. neither one of my current partners is particularly religious - one is a secular buddhist and the other is a secular jew - so the fun-making tends to be both over my seemingly contradictory religious beliefs and over the fact that i am very religious in the first place. (though i really, truly, honestly do not care whether other people are and don't try to drag anyone else into it.)

both of my current partners were also conservative when i first met them. one has since become a flaming liberal, the other is still a conservative republican (mostly fiscal conservative). i'm...well...so far to the left i don't even fit in "liberal progressive" communities sometimes. but honestly, other than a few heated debates - which come up like once every two years, practically - it hasn't caused tension. i guess part of it is that it's not in my nature to argue...i avoid political discussions unless they touch on social justice issues i feel very strongly about, and then i am careful about how much i engage. i don't debate for the sake of debating, ever. one of the blessings is that we've also come to see each other's perspectives a lot. for example, because of both of their experience in the military and security, i have a greater appreciation for some of the political issues underlying security in our country. and because of my poor/working class background, they have a greater appreciation for why safety net programs are important.

i like having intimacy with people around issues like identity and belief, but i guess i tend to date people with very different identities (in terms of class, race, ability, sometimes even gender and orientation, etc.) and very different beliefs, and i haven't found it a barrier. i also have friends with a wide range of beliefs, although most of my close friends have similar political beliefs.

[thedivahrrrself]

Well, my political beliefs are all over the spectrum, so I'm much more likely to date someone who can challenge me there and doesn't believe like I do. My beliefs evolve as new evidence is presented.

Religion is a sticky one for me. My ex started out religious and her beliefs evolved; after about 6 years together, she told me she was an atheist. This caused a lot of friction between us the last couple years, because she started saying really demeaning stuff like, "You are such a smart person, and you're so logical. I just don't see how you can believe in anything spiritual." She didn't understand why I adore Hitchens and Dawkins, but I remain unswayed by many of their arguments.

She wasn't what I'd call a "rabid" atheist (I have several friends who are, but they are my friends, not my partners.), but the constant backhanded compliments and swipes at my intelligence were too much to bear. We had plenty of problems, but this certainly did not help anything.

So, after that experience, I'm not sure I could date an atheist unless they could at least comprehend why I do believe in something (beyond me being too stupid to get it). As far as other religious beliefs, I'm fine with that. I'm open minded, and I love to learn about other cultures, religions and belief systems. It all makes for good conversation, as long as there is a healthy respect.

[princessbelle]

I have posted on something similar to this in the past and i'm pretty sure i had said, basically, no.

Funny how we grow and change isn't it?

Cause i sure have and now my partner has so many different views on things than i do. She is agnostic. I consider myself, my *own* version, of a Christian.

I thought it would be hard to date someone that believed differently than i do, but actually it isn't at all. We both respect each others beliefs or non beliefs and in addition there is non spoken boundaries that just come naturally to us in our relationship.

Bully knows i pray for and light candles for peeps and i can talk about stuff freely and she listens to me and understands. How wonderful is that!!! There is no judgement or making fun of me or light of me. It is just respected. And vice versa i would never push my beliefs on her, that's just not how i roll and it's our yin yang that continues to broaden my way of thinking while holding onto passionate things that are important to me in my life.

Politically, we are pretty close and it's enlightening hearing her take on things as she has lived in many liberal parts of the country and has a very large knowledge base when it comes to the big issues out there. I have learned tons from her.

I also believe in ghosts and the supernatural. Bully...not so much. I find it endearing that she is so comfortable with my spirituality and her ease into my "way" of living just as i am comfortable and try to embrace her world as she sees it.

Somehow...it just works.

Great thread!!!

[julieisafemme]

It depends. I am Jewish and Greyson is Christian. It works fine for us because we both have a belief in G-d. We do disagree quite strongly on some poltical issues. The best solution is to not discuss those.

My former spouse was Jewish and shared the same political views as I did but we were not compatible on some very basic issues. I am much more concerned about how someone deals with money, raising children, interpersonal skills and living with integrity. Greyson and I are much more in tune with these things and so day to day life is much more relaxed and harmonious. Bayit shalom or a peaceful house is delightful!

[1QuirkyKiwi]

I am much more concerned about how someone deals with money, raising children, interpersonal skills and living with integrity.

For me, this is the foundation of a relationship regardless of different beliefs and cultural backgrounds; these can be discussed and a compromise met, such as agreeing not to discuss them.

[Ciaran]

Would I date someone with significantly different beliefs? Yes, unless their beliefs were, in my opinion, very distasteful. What I view as "very distasteful" is potentially different from the views of many others - our differences in opinions make the world a sometimes vibrant, energetic and interesting place.


Differences, within reason, are fine and, in my experience, they can be good for relationships. Certainly, I've usually had better relationships with people who've had different views from my own .......... after all, although I'm a socially conservative right-winger, I can't think of anything worse than dating another one.

[laruss]

It depends on the person. I have been in relationships with people who have similar beliefs and some who have had very different beliefs. It comes down to respect of the individual. I had a harder time with one person who supposedly had the same beliefs, as they kept putting words in my mouth, answering things for me and just assuming we were exactly the same in our thinking. One person with the very different beliefs was a great debater and we agreed to disagree on many things, it worked for us.
So my answer would be yes I would as long as they were respectful and they would need to have some idea of Spirit and our connectedness.

[thedivahrrrself]

I should amend mine to say I could not date a blatant bigot. Misogynistic, sexist, racist....these are not attractive viewpoints.

So, within reason, I appreciate people with different views from my own. I'm from Oklahoma, for goodness sake, if I only hung out with people like me, I'd be up shit creek, as they say.

[Soft*Silver]

I am not Christian but chrissy is very much Christian. He went to college to be a minister, in fact. Does he press his religious outlook on me? Not at all. Does he live by his religious outlook and not just mouth the words? Yes. I respect him so much for being a believer and a do-er in his faith. He, however, struggles with my paganism and my supernatural beliefs. He doesnt believe in psychics, yet my daughter is one. He doesnt believe in tarot, yet I read cards. He certainly doesnt believe in reincarnation, but I am sure of it. Would he go to a ritual with me? MMM...probably but would not respect it like I would wish he would. In other words, I think he would grumble under his breath throughout it. I do go to Christian rituals and am well behaved in them. Does any of this matter in our relationship? Not yet. And I hope it never does.

I dont date republicans. We would argue too much.

I have clear beliefs in how children should be raised. I would be hard pressed to date someone who did not honor this with my child, and if the way they raised their own children was deemed detrimental to the child by me, I would not be able to continue the relationship.

In my last year of drinking way back in the 80s, I actually dated someone who was racist. I talk about that as being one of my "bottoms". I could not do that now.

The biggest issue for me to overcome, is not religions or money or politics. Its animals. I am an avid animal lover. I smell of horse every chance I get. I have dog drool everywhere in my house. Cat fur clings to me like magnets. I am an animal lover. If someone did not like animals, especially animals in the house, that would be a deal breaker for me. And if they resented me rescuing animals, well, it would end quickly.

[Corkey]

My short answer, no. There is something to be said for a peaceful home. That being said neither of us think exactly alike, but at our core we have the same values, morals, and political leanings. I think it's the word significant that puts a wrench in it for me.

[BullDog]

As Belle has said, we do have very different religious and spiritual beliefs and it isn't a problem at all for us. I did grow up in a Christian household so I do understand the personal and day-to-day level of it and not just as an organized religion.

I honestly cannot imagine being with someone who was politically Conservative or had a very different value system than me.

[CherylNYC]

I would have to trust and respect a person in order to date them. That means they couldn't be a bigot, and they couldn't be dishonest or mean. That, to me, rules out conservative Republicans.

I'm a Pagan/Wiccan, and my long-ago ex was a rabid athiest when I met her. Like many atheists I've met since then, she was a proselytizer, and she did her best to convert me. (There are so many good reasons why we didn't stay together.) I simply demanded that my ex respect me, and I exlained my spirituality to her whenever she asked. I never discussed it with her unless she initiated the discussion. I was really astonished when my ex did a 180 degree turn and explored and embraced her own brand of Goddess worship within two years of meeting me. I tried my best to support her without imposing.

Now I would date a person of any faith as long as they have some sort of spiritual life. I once dated a Christian pastor, but it's easiest to date other Pagans/Wiccans. My late partner Sharon and I came from the exact same Wiccan tradition, and it was wonderful. She and I had very similar values and politics. We did have a very strange moment once when I ended up in the hospital with a dangerous bacterial infection. I had been admitted and was put on IV antibiotics. My fever was quite high and I was slipping in and out of consciousness while the staff tried to ascertain my medical history. They asked about my history of pregnancy, and while I mumbled a wan answer I caught a glimpse of Sharon's face. Even barely conscious and burning up with fever, I suddenly understood that Sharon was against abortion unless it was necessary to save the life of the mother! It had simply never come up between us prior to that moment. Since we respected each other we didn't end up with a damaging conflict about it, but the look on her face certainly concerned me at the time.

I'm now dating someone who will go to political rallies and demonstrations with me. We have great conversations about race and feminism, too. The answer is that I would date someone with different beliefs, but I would rather not.

[always2late]

I think it all comes down to respect. I could date someone of a different religion, as long as MY beliefs were respected, because I would respect theirs. I agree with some of the other posts in that I could never date a racist or bigot. Could I date a politically conservative person? Hmm...that's a bit tougher to answer. I don't think I could...because our perspectives and world-view would be much too different...I think it would create too much discord within the relationship.

[Silverseastar]

I would date someone with different beliefs but not with different VALUES. Beliefs are relative and change over time but values are fixed and won't change.

So someone can believe what they like and as their partner you can see that shift over time but what they value will never change. Just as what they don't value won't change either.

For instance I value good communication, kindness, love in action, family/friends as examples. The way in which I hold those doesn't change for me over time.

However how that is expressed might.

[MsDemeanor]

No Yankees fans, no Manning fans. Oh, no Tebow fans.

[aishah]

I would date someone with different beliefs but not with different VALUES. Beliefs are relative and change over time but values are fixed and won't change.

So someone can believe what they like and as their partner you can see that shift over time but what they value will never change. Just as what they don't value won't change either.

For instance I value good communication, kindness, love in action, family/friends as examples. The way in which I hold those doesn't change for me over time.

However how that is expressed might.

i think this is an interesting post, mostly because i have a pretty defined system of values/principles that i use on a day-to-day basis, that are probably more specific and contextual than what you mean here by values. my partners don't necessarily share this entire list of values, though they do share some. for me it's important that our values not conflict.

re: what others have posted...i loved reading everyone's responses so far. i definitely agree that i wouldn't date someone who i think is unethical, dishonest, or bigoted, but to me being a conservative republican (or having some other specific label) doesn't necessarily mean that one falls into that category.

i also definitely get what was said about other things (goals, plans for the future, money, kids, etc.) often being more important than beliefs when it comes to compatibility. i guess i'm just fascinated by the ways in which beliefs play into compatibility. i definitely do not think it is the only or even the main factor for some folks.

edited to add: i also think the notion of "values" in general is pretty interesting. i don't know that many people who expressly articulate their values to themselves or others...i feel like i don't have a sense of someone's values until i know them very well and it's not one of those things that people usually ask directly. and i've dated people who i'm not sure if they could have said what their values are, if asked.

[EnderD_503]

I guess it would depend on what those beliefs are. It's not so much the "different" as what the "different" is, I guess. I would never date someone who would vote conservative in this country, because to me that directly intersects with a lot of social issues on homelessness, basic rights, immigration, health care, education etc. To me, if you identify with/support conservatism in Canada, it likely means you don't care about certain groups of people (the homeless, immigrants, "illegal" immigrants, queer community, sex workers etc)...ergo, no thanks... I don't identify with any particular political ideology, personally, and all I can say is I'm very far left. So there are many people that I'm going to agree with or disagree with, since there are a lot of people who do affiliate themselves with one particular ideology. However, to me certain affiliations/politics do signify a tendency towards sexism/racism/transphobia/homophobia/ableism etc. I think that's one of the many reasons I will only date queer women/people.

On religion...it's tough. I'm an atheist and generally prefer others who are atheists/non-spiritual people. But I also recognise that some people don't try to force it on others, try to make it a part of their partners' lives by extension and don't interpret religion as others do. I also think that certain religious beliefs and interpretations can severely affect how they see certain issues. So can a lot of things, including cultural background, and yet if both partners are understanding of that you can definitely easily overcome it. So for religion, I'll say I would rarely be with someone who wasn't an atheist and/or non-spiritual/actively practicing, but also recognise that I have been with people who are religious and might do so again, but it depends on the "type" of religiousness and how it affects me as a partner.

[~ocean]

of course i would , acceptance !!!

[Library_girl]

SHORT ANSWER: Yes

LONG ANSWER:

As many have said, it depends on several factors. And its different for everyone. I see that some posters have mentioned differences in religion, such a common difference in relationships. Yes, I have dated and married people of different religions than my own, and also the same as my own. My late husband (FTM) was a devout Christian, and I was pagan. It was a serious problem, unfortunately. Out of respect for hys memory, I'll leave it at that. I'm now an atheist, and I have dated an atheist. The relationship didn't work out, but it had nothing to do with our spiritual beliefs (lack of) and opinions. Having atheism in common was great! There's also something to be said about the difference between dating someone (as the original question was posed) and entering into a long-term relationship or marriage with someone. Personally, I think I could accept some differences in a dating situation that maybe I could not accept in a marriage. Make sense?

But some things are deal-breakers. Must love animals, period. Must abhor hunting, period. Racism, sexism, and lots of other -isms are not allowed. Love of libraries required. :) Must be pro-choice. Must be anti-censorship. And some other important stuff too.

Who they voted for in the 1980's.....that's just an interesting conversation. The Beatles or the Rolling Stones? No biggie.

[Amber2010]

would you date someone with significantly different beliefs?

Yes I would but:
It all depends on if you can agree to disagree. My beliefs are very strong and my partner and I have had many discussions about religion. I do try to steer away from it since the old saying is "there are two things you don't discuss.. politics and religion." We have been able to talk about things and I have even gone to his church with him. It doesn't change my strong belief in how my religion looks to the word of God.

[Silverseastar]

As an example of what I meant: I would date someone with a different religious belief system than I if it had the same VALUES within it. Where it comes into conflict for me is if the values diverge greatly. So if the religion was an accepting one that encouraged tolerance, love, and understanding, which are my values, I could be far more accepting of it in a partner.

On the other hand if their spiritual beliefs were about control, exclusion, and judgement, I would really struggle with it.

However the beliefs are irrelevant to me- time travel, that God is a man in a cloud somewhere, that there are Gods and Goddesses that rule our choices and emotions, that there is no God. All of those sorts of things don't matter to me. It's how they are expressed that does.

Hope that clarifies a little :)

[Gráinne]

I can and have dated someone with very different views; you don't need to have deep conversations in order to have lunch with someone or see a movie. However, I've not tried a serious relationship when I knew going in that the other person and I were very different in beliefs, practice and values.

That said, without enough compatibility in values and outlook, a relationship will get very rocky. I think it depends on how strongly you both hold to your beliefs and how much you are able to compromise. But it's a mistake to compromise yourself right out of beliefs you hold tightly just to make yourself look more compatible with your partner.

[thedivahrrrself]

Who they voted for in the 1980's.....that's just an interesting conversation. The Beatles or the Rolling Stones? No biggie.

Now, that brings up a very good point. If they insist on listening to boy bands while I am in the car, we can't date. That is a total dealbreaker!

[aishah]

That said, without enough compatibility in values and outlook, a relationship will get very rocky. I think it depends on how strongly you both hold to your beliefs and how much you are able to compromise. But it's a mistake to compromise yourself right out of beliefs you hold tightly just to make yourself look more compatible with your partner.

i found this perspective really interesting - thank you for sharing.

it hasn't held true for me in my current relationship (at least not in six years, things could definitely change). i have my beliefs and he has his, and we both feel pretty strongly...some of them we share, a LOT of them we definitely don't. but situations don't frequently come up where we have to compromise on our beliefs. i mean, i could see this being an issue if...say...he didn't believe in birth control. but very rarely do we have beliefs that directly affect each other.

i definitely can see it affecting my last relationship though - with the embedded belief that my previous partner HAD to marry someone who was christian. that definitely ended up being detrimental to the relationship.

[Jaques]

Depends on what beliefs they have, if they had radical beliefs of any kind, we would probably not gell as im not radical about anything, im open minded as is my missus and though we are very different people, we are both happy to listen to and respect others views and feelings - after all we change as time goes on and people are seldom in the same place they were 10 yrs or sometimes even l0 days ago.

[Cailin]

I won't lie and say that I don't long to find someone that has similiar beliefs as I do. Being pagan, I have found alot of stigma from people, and sadly just recently from within the lgtbq community. I would love to have someone I could go to drummings and pagan outings with, and not have them feel out of place. However, I have dated several christians and catholics and had no problems what so ever. The christian was one of the loves of my life, and I hold her dear to my heart even to this day. I think the biggest point in the "major differences" is how open minded the person is. You can easily be with someone, and love them, and have such different beliefs, as long as that respect is there. Also, being pagan and a lesban, I also get alot of people confused that I am not a democrat (lol... yeaaa, you read that right) Nor am I a republican. I consider myself a "conservative liberal", if that makes any sense to anyone. I found someone once, who was the same way, and even a "spiritual" person which leans more towards being pagan. I have to tell you, it was horrible. In the end, it all builds up towards respecting another persons beliefs and if you can be open minded about it.

[foxyshaman]

I would not date anyone with significant different spiritual beliefs. It does not work; I know from experience. I put, some weeks, hours into my shamanic work. Whether it be with clients, public speaking, writing workshops or teaching. My partners have to know they come second (tied with my kids) and that they will never be first in my life. And that... is ALOT to ask of anyone. So much in fact, I am not sure I will ever be in a relationship again. It causes huge problems. An example "I am supposed to see my GF that night. In the morning we talk about what we are going to do. And then after a full day of regular work, I come home work on my patient.. and voila... I have nothing left to give anyone.". It makes me feel just horrible and torn. I want to be a good partner, but sometimes I just fail. And fail miserably. It can truly be devastating. Explaining over and over again why I am not there, or even here at times.

It is also difficult not to have a partner when I am working spiritually very hard. Sometimes, I really miss someone there who loves me and just knows how to to take care of me; help me remember what to pack for ...whatever I am off to do. Or hold me when I am a husk of a human being. A true Hollow Bone.

My last two relationships broke, to a very large extent, because of the demands on my time. I can have a very strict life because I have a vocation most people will never have to experience. Sometimes I envy people who are not called. Sometimes I would trade places in a heartbeat.

I have very leftist views in politics. And can have a completely Aries/Warrior response in political debates. However, amongst my friends, we share similar viewpoints. For which I am quite grateful. A gal has to catch a break somewhere <insert rueful grin here>