Choices....

[TaylorMade]

Living in a small town its not easy to do the transitioning. I live in town where its ok to be lesbian, or even butch lesbian, but you can NOT be FtM or MtF. If you are, you are chased out of town within that year.
I have lived in this town all my life and they knew me as a female, as I got older I was more very butchy, was into sports and loved tinkering on my car or any excuse to use my tools was great for me.
But about a year ago I decided that I was not happy. I hated myself and knew that I could no longer hide behind the vaile of what others want or feel comfortable with.
My best friend of 10 yrs has stood with me and said she never saw me anyway but as a man. My voice has always been lower and I have had muscle tone more then most woman.
I have 2 awesome boys. both in there 20s and one is disabled. he lives 3 hours away and moving closer to me in a group home setting 20 miles away. My mother is VERY Christian and not so much accepted with me when I was lesbian bit tolerated it. She was ok as long as I DIDN'T have a gf.
She doesn't know of me wanting to be FtM. It would probably stroke her out.
My gf lives in NY and I have visited there before and there is such a open community with jobs (which none are here btw), Drs, Clinics for Transgenders. People don't look at you like you have 3 heads.
I am going up next month to be with her for about a week. Then along with site seeing I am looking for jobs and housing. Just checking things out.
Staying here in this town I do not have the help, medical, or counselling. I was self Medicated with the Ts, but money has ran out and now I am off of them. My transitioning has stopped. And now I feel deformed, and broken. I dont feel real, and thoughts of why was even born, whats wrong with me?? and even though my best friend has said you will be fine and my gf holding me close and willing to move mountains to see me happy in NY, helping with housing, and money if need be..
My son is here and moving into a group home, and my mom will say I am neglecting him and leaving him., I always stayed here in this state because of him, always saying I would never leave him... I feel like a bad parent because I am wanting to move states away. Yes to have a good job and be healthy and happy, but am I being a bad person for leaving?? I just know I am becoming more depressed and feeling like I am ugly and deformed. I just don't know what to do now.

[~ocean]

(((taylormade)))) u have 1 life to live . live it the way u need to for yourself. u dont know what the future holds. once u become whole.. u canstay in touch w. ur son via video chat . As a mother I encourage my daughters to live, and let live.theyr also in their 20's . Your g.f sounds amazing enjoy ur lives together :)) ~ocean

[G Snap!]

Have you talked to your son about any of this? Shame on your mother for making you feel guilty, if the biggest reason why you would not move and seek a better life for yourself is because you feel he needs you, then you need to discuss this with him.

You can't control how your mother feels. If she has not accepted you thus far then you have the right to feel she will not accept you transitioning. The only thing she can't ever change is you are her child. Do not allow her unacceptance of the differences in the world around her to stop you from your dreams!

Life is too short. You are the only person who can make a change to better your life, and if you feel the change means moving, then do it! I hope you find health and happiness...

[femmsational]

Wow!! I feel for you. I live in small town Alabama. Open-mindedness (is that a word?) is not what this area is known for.

My only advice to you would be, do what you have to do to be you. If that means moving to a place that can help you match your body to your soul, then do that. It's a bumpy ride but it's necessary if you are in fact a FTM.


One thing I've learned through my life is that unless I take care of me first, I'm no good to anyone else. Your son deserves to have a parent who can give all of themselves to him. If you're wrapped up in dealing with a judgemental mother (HI MOM:-) or a small town that you have to fight just to *be* in, you're not all in with your son.


Take your time and think about all options, pros and cons, etc...etc....and do what's going to make you the best you so you can be the best parent for your son.


Just my 2cents.


Good luck on your journey (f)




julie

[TaylorMade]

Thanks for the advice..Its not easy in making this decision. My son lives in a group home and his mind is of a child and doesn't understand things, let alone me changing or moving to NY..I am planning on leaving him a laptop so he can skype with me. I know its not having me there..But atleast he can see me.
As far as my mom well she will always be my mom whether she accepts me or not. I am gonna get my son settled before any big steps.
You all are great. Thank you!

[G Snap!]

match your body to your soul

I like that. And


One thing I've learned through my life is that unless I take care of me first, I'm no good to anyone else.


I second the notion. It goes along with loving yourself before loving others...

[BrutalDaddy]

Taylor, I understand exactly where you're coming from as far as knowing you're in the wrong body. In the exact same boat myself. However I'm fortunate enough to have a family that "gets it" to one extent or another and those that don't, I don't even pay them any mind.

The lady I married has played a huge part in my family being so accepting of me because they adore her to the max. One of those, "you're not ever going to do any better than that so don't screw it up!" deals. Lol.

I live in the deep south. Have all my life. Used to bother me a whole lot how folks would look at me and the comments that almost always followed the looks. But that special lady has helped me to realize that the only person I should care about the views/opinions/feelings of is myself. I wasn't much good to her because of my own self hatred. I was harder on myself then any of those ignorant folks I come across. That self hatred caused me to lash out at myself and those that care very deeply for me.

I have come to realize, through femmsational and AA, that unless I am comfortable with myself, I have nothing to offer those around me. It's been a huge work in progress but I'm happier then I have been in a long time and I'm noticing the effect it's having on those I care about.

From what you've said about your girlfriend in NY, sounds like she might be a real good influence on helping you to be who you really are? If so then you'll actually become an even better parent to your son because there will be no more negative energy radiating around you and trust me, that will be felt by all those around you.

I won't say what I think of your mom out of respect for the fact that she is your mother. However I will say this, don't pay her any mind. Many react with anger because of fear of the unknown. She obviously can't or won't understand and that scares her, not understanding ya know? It hurts, I know. My real sperm donor treats me that way to point of pretending I'm dead now. Oh well, his loss. I'm getting to a place where I'm real happy now. You can to.

If you felt that peace up in NY then maybe take that leap? The little town you're from will always be there I imagine so not like you can't ever go back. Just take care of you. If you take care of you, the rest will follow.

Good Luck To You Bro,
AJ.

[DMW]

Some really great advice here. Gonna add a few links to maybe help educate your family. This is a pamphlet that you should read and decide if you want to give it to your mother. I advise it... no matter what the outcome.

this is a free pdf file

http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_upload/Publications/OTC_5thedition.pdf


When I decided to come out to family or decide to come out to old friends or new people...i remind myself that it is important to remember that everyone had/has to accept my transition on their time and at their emotional pace. i can't control that. Nor, would i want to. I also, can't control the outcome and have to accept that they would come to their own conclusions.
It was a very frightening thought and truth...that i could lose part of my family. i had to be selfish and love myself enough to be myself. and to be me meant... that i could lose family. In addition, losing a new girlfriend at the time.
So, the ? was...take a chance on losing family and the girl...or losing ME.
Well, for me...the choice was not a choice. It was a must do or die.
I wanted to share a bit of personal experience with you because...we don't really go through it do we? We have to keep fighting to be ourselves...no matter who we are.

Funny how i am learning by sharing. I hate sharing personal in public.


this link has 2 books. one i am familiar with and helped me understand a lot. i used it with family. even shared it with some to help them understand.
the Transforming Families is the book i used.

http://www.mental-health-today.com/gender/books/fambooks.htm

Giving your mom a chance to try and absorb this information and the facts emotionally, on her own, may help. The reader is exposed to other trans peoples emotions etc. without it being personal. it helped both myself and the understanding of other peoples emotions. also, all the pressure was not put on me to explain myself away.

great advice from the other posts. Keep the Faith Man