Too screwed up to be Loved?

[CharmingButch25]

So I have been doing a lot of thinking today and well for the past few days.
Does anyone else belive that they are too f*cked up to be loved?
Or have way to many demons within themselves to let anyone in?
Ive been dating since I was 11 years old and yet every relationship ends the same, No one wants to actually give me a chance and see what can really happen because Yes I am f*cked up and I have issues, BUT doesnt anyone?
I dunno maybe its a stupid question I just wonder if anyone else feels the same? Or is it just me
I mean I know what Im looking for and it doesnt seem unresonable
So it brings me to the conclusion maybe I have too many demons to be loved or cared for...

[QueenofSmirks]

So I have been doing a lot of thinking today and well for the past few days.
Does anyone else belive that they are too f*cked up to be loved?
Or have way to many demons within themselves to let anyone in?
Ive been dating since I was 11 years old and yet every relationship ends the same, No one wants to actually give me a chance and see what can really happen because Yes I am f*cked up and I have issues, BUT doesnt anyone?
I dunno maybe its a stupid question I just wonder if anyone else feels the same? Or is it just me
I mean I know what Im looking for and it doesnt seem unresonable
So it brings me to the conclusion maybe I have too many demons to be loved or cared for...

I think everyone is capable of loving or being loved. That doesn't mean they are capable of being in a long-term, healthy relationship. Work on your issues, or don't. It's up to you. But if you have so much baggage that all your relationships end up the same, then obviously you have work to do. Everyone is responsible for their own shit, and we can't expect people to put up with endless amounts of baggage.

[TimilDeeps]

I think everyone is capable of loving or being loved. That doesn't mean they are capable of being in a long-term, healthy relationship. Work on your issues, or don't. It's up to you. But if you have so much baggage that all your relationships end up the same, then obviously you have work to do. Everyone is responsible for their own shit, and we can't expect people to put up with endless amounts of baggage.

ok, is what I was going to say so I won't be redundant, but yeah, what she said.

[CharmingButch25]

Yes very good point. I dont expect anyone to put up with endless issues and I work on my stuff daily. A lot is issues from childhood that I got thrown into therapy since I was 7 and im still working on them. Im capable of loving very capable just not sure of being loved

[Electrocell]

Are you friends with any of your exes? Maybe you could ask them what they didn't like about you. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to look in the mirror . Is it something I'm doing wrong or is it I'm getting with someone just for the companionship ? Just because you feel an attraction towards someone doesn't mean the two of you are good for each other. Been there done that. If they will point out to me where I am wrong about something in a nice way, I will go back and examine myself just to see if they are wrong or if I really do need to work or improve myself in that way. If I need to improve myself I really try too ----not always easy . We as humans hate having our bad habits pointed out to us. Just have to work on it. Good luck.

[CharmingButch25]

That's a very good idea thank you. I've asked a couple exes and they say my abandonment issues is what ruins things. I've been working on it for years I've switched therapist and im front with each person. They say they can handle it but everyone leaves or gives up. Im at a loss and just wondering if anyone else feels the same way

[Electrocell]

That's a very good idea thank you. I've asked a couple exes and they say my abandonment issues is what ruins things. I've been working on it for years I've switched therapist and im front with each person. They say they can handle it but everyone leaves or gives up. Im at a loss and just wondering if anyone else feels the same way

So what you are saying is you are clingy? Guess trust comes into this also?

[The_Lady_Snow]

We all have issues some of us know how to keep them neatly in the overhead compartment area. If you're failing in the relationship area perhaps a long relationship break and work on your issues OR just casually date till your shit straightened up:). Good luck finding what's going to be best for you.!

[BullDog]

I would start with getting rid of "Tired Of users and Liars" in your Relationship Status. That is negative thinking and won't help put you in a good space or attract a positive, healthy person into your life.

If I felt fucked up in some way, I personally would take a break and work on myself. The more healthy and confident you feel, the more likely you will attractive healthy, positive people into your life.

[Angeltoes]

My issues are so far beyond the norm that nobody is even going to attempt to have a real relationship with me. It makes sense because people have their own problems, everyone wants to be happy and yet everything about me spells trouble. I would like to fix my life, but there's no possible way to do so right now. So I hang back and live in my head and dream about the future, but I won't try to get involved with anyone because it won't work out. I just don't think I can handle anymore disappointment and heartbreak right now.

Ah well...

[*Anya*]

I agree with Q of S.

We all have baggage. The question is: are you willing to unpack that baggage, take it out, examine it and work with a therapist to deal with it?

Sometimes, our childhoods have damaged us terribly. In order to heal, we have to deal with the pain and the scars. The damage can never be undone but once we understand what was done to us and how it impacts our adult relationships, we can work as best as we can to not let us affect us in the here and now.

Therapy works if you are committed and accept that you have things that need changing.

I was terrified I would be an abusive parent when I had my first baby. I did not want to do to my girls what was done to me. I got my butt in therapy and stayed until I knew I would not repeat my parents behavior.

I am also clear as to how my childhood has impacted my adult relationships. Periodically I get back in to deal once again with those pesky scars.

Do I believe that we all are capable of love and deserving of love? I would say absolutely, with one caveat. That being, a sociopath but that is not what we are talking about here.

Therapy and counseling work if you let it and if you truly want to have loving relationships.

If you don't, it won't and the same patterns of behavior will continue or you could chose to give up on relationships but it does not sound to me like you really want to do that either.

[CharmingButch25]

Thank you everyone for your feedback I appreciate it and will give some thoughts to your words.

[Novelafemme]

Just keep working on yourself, CharmingButch25. The more work you do, the more you'll have to offer when that special someone enters your life. But remember to do your work with your best interest in mind; not so you'll be perfect for someone else. That mentality will serve no other purpose then to backfire in your face.

And if you are only 25 then you have a lot of time. Or you could wait until your Saturn Return when your shit inevitably hits the fan whether you like it or not. ;)

[Tcountry]

Somtimes it just takes a changing the way you think...Attitude
They didn't leave or give up ..they got right in there & gave it a fair shot. Sometimes things just don't match up.
What's meant to b will b & everything happens for a reason
Just make sure YOU are putting in the effort to be the best you that YOU can be.
The rest will stack up when it is time

*tip hat*

[Heavenleahangel]

Awww, {{{Charming}}}; Don't be so down on yourself. I think this is a very courageous question you are posting and for you to be asking for opinions/help. There are some very good responses here and while I was only a counselor for 6 years, I will say this: Don't give up! No one is perfect and while we all have our lil idiocyncrises (spelling?) we are all worthy of being loved.
I have always heard the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different outcomes. While no two potential partners are exactly the same and what works for one doesn't work for others, I feel the the key is communication and the willingness to be accountable for your own actions mixed with your own desire to allow yourself to be loved. Im sure there are many of us here (myself included) that won't mind lending an ear to allow you to vent and figure how to align your heart and mind.

[CharmingButch25]

Thank you very much for everyone that has responed, Yes i have been commited to therapy, it has helped with some issues and problems, but when it comes to abandonment it seems as if I cant kick that one in the ass, Ive worked thru the trust issues,and the jealousy issues, its just the abandonement issues. I have thrown everything I have into relationships, I give everyone the benifit of the doubt, and maybe your right about not seeing it as they gave up and left,maybe most of them did try their best,

[CharmingButch25]

I think a lot of my issues stem from family also, no one can really handle them, but its family I cant exactly walk away from that, Ive had a string of bad relationships,but I am trying to work on myself right now so that when someone comes along I can offer them my full self, My therapist seems to think I need to walk away from my family but I cant

[Soon]

I think a lot of my issues stem from family also, no one can really handle them, but its family I cant exactly walk away from that, Ive had a string of bad relationships,but I am trying to work on myself right now so that when someone comes along I can offer them my full self, My therapist seems to think I need to walk away from my family but I cant

I know a couple people who have walked away from their damaging families, and their lives improved immeasurably.

As for myself, I have gone for extended periods of no contact with a family member, as they were certainly adding to my mental distress (and I am sure I was theirs as well).

There is nothing wrong with looking at these options to begin healing yourself and helping you forge a healthy future with a chance for a healthy relationship.

Best to you.

p.s. That is great that you are in therapy. It is so hard to begin the process, but it's worth it when you find someone you feel comfortable with and are able to see/feel progress on those issues that most of us struggle to address.

[princessbelle]

You have been given some great advice here. I feel for you. I hear your pain and know what it is like to just want someone to love you for who you are.

Many of us have been there, whether we have "issues" or not, and it's painful.

Let me ask you a question...

What would you offer a partner? Meaning, would you give them ...love, devotion, understanding, patience, friendship, honesty, forgiveness, faith and trust? Start by giving ALL of those things to YOU. You deserve to be loved by yourself and that is the most important love there is.

I wish you peace and positive energy.

[Breathless]

Just because you were not able to see it, does not mean that you were not loved. I am certain that you have been loved very deeply, that comes naturally as people care about one another. Just because you didnt see it or feel it.. doesnt make it less true or less real. Just because someone didnt love you the way that you wanted them to, doesnt mean that they didnt love you with all that they had to give. Perhaps look at your defination of what love is?
Love yourself first Charming, let go of the negative, wake up every day BELIEVING that Today is going to be a great day, and it will be!

Exes are probably exes.. because it is EXHAUSTING constantly having to prove their love and devotion. Having to undo all the previous hurts with constant redirection and positive reinforcement, and yet feeling like they have made no head way, when the feeling is constantly no one loves me, no one has ever loved me.

I may be way off base, but that is my 2 cents. Love yourself first!

[alexri]

We are all damaged... we have all been broken... we all have baggage... and many of us have been to hell and back, sometimes multiple times. I understand how you feel. There have been many times where I thought I was unlovable and resigned myself to a life of being alone. For me part of it was the new self-acceptance of being trans.

Sometimes you have to be broken down to build yourself back up. If you are starting new or starting over, love yourself, take care of yourself, and respect yourself first. Let go of any expectations of perfections. No one is. Let go of anyone else's ideas of normal. You are your own normal.

Also look at the patterns in your relationships... the people you dated/fell for... is there something similar? For me it was going for the first person that showed me any sign of affection, because I never got it from my family, and I craved it. So I gave my time and attention to people who used me and people I didn't really fit with. Recognize bad patterns, and challenge them. Replace them with new healthy actions.

Not sure what's going on in your life right now, but you know you are not alone, and you have a whole community of people here to talk to.

Hang in there...

[CharmingButch25]

I have gotten some great advice by posting this, and I do think that I have a lot of stuff to work on, so maybe its not that im too screwed up to be loved, its just I need some work before anyone could be ready to love me, I have done a lot of thinking in the past weeks for various reasons, and yes things always did end the same, but now I am more so thinking as to why they ended that way and I have found the problem now how to fix it I dont know but hopefully I will get there, but for now I am just going to take things as they come and see what happens when I focus on me for once.

[Nadeest]

I think that we all have to love ourselves, first, before we can truly accept someone else's love for us. Keep hanging in there, and keep doing your best to work on yourself, and your life.

I know that it is very, very hard to leave family, even if they are bad for you. I've had to do it in the past, simply to be able to save myself from a horrible fate. It took a lot of help from my friends, before I could realize this, however.

We are here, if you need to vent, or just need to talk. hugs

[Nomad]

So I have been doing a lot of thinking today and well for the past few days.
Does anyone else belive that they are too f*cked up to be loved?
Or have way to many demons within themselves to let anyone in?
Ive been dating since I was 11 years old and yet every relationship ends the same, No one wants to actually give me a chance and see what can really happen because Yes I am f*cked up and I have issues, BUT doesnt anyone?
I dunno maybe its a stupid question I just wonder if anyone else feels the same? Or is it just me
I mean I know what Im looking for and it doesnt seem unresonable
So it brings me to the conclusion maybe I have too many demons to be loved or cared for...

all the stuff i highlighted in blue is something that i've thought myself, on my worst days. then i pull my head out of my youknowwhatsis and get a grip. that's *my* take on it when *i* do it and i finally recognize that i'm doing it. i'm NOT saying you have your head there per se or that you want to feel this way or that you're copping out. i'm saying that we all get mired in our own sh*t and it can be hard to feel our way past it. i say 'feel' because no amount of logic can carry you out sometimes. sometimes you just gotta feel it and feel it and f*cking feel it until you realize that the actual pain is coming from a part of your lovingmind that is whispering 'you're a brilliant and beautiful soul and you're exactly where you need to be in order to learn what you need to learn and you are infinitely lovable.' it hurts because you KNOW your lovingmind is right but your misermind is screaming 'you're a pathetic unlovable f*ckwit' so loudly that it's all you can access sometimes. here's the worst part. i think it's the unwillingness to acknowledge that we're NOT actually unlovable that causes the pain. sounds like a sh*t ton of meshugas i know but i'm thinking alot about this recently and the more i think about it and pick it apart the more i'm convinced i'm on to something, even if it's only the tip of the iceberg.

i think we get stuck in repetitious cycles because they're familiar and so they seem right. we get habituated to patterns, feelings, behaviors and we shift into tunnel vision. you know the tunnel right? the one with the signs that say 'it's gonna be different this time. just be positive! focus on what you want to believe and not on the last time you jumped the shark doing this same damn thing. just keep moving forward! you can make it work if you try hard enough or want it bad enough!' oy. it can be never ending that tunnel. it's the 'i think i can' mentality gone horribly horribly wrong.

so we do the same thing over and over for whatever reasons we have and expect the results to be different which is the definition of meshugenah. might as well have our mail forwarded to crazyville. do the same thing over and over and next thing we know we feel too broken to be lovable because we break ourselves over and over again with our lack of self-love and self-respect.. it's not the other person's fault if they cant give us a chance if we wont give them our honest truest selves to have a chance with!(that's for the red part above) i'm guilty as f*ck of doing this. 100% guilty. not because i wanted to hold back but because i was wrapped up in my "i have demons" mentality. not even consciously. and that's part of the problem too. when i'm in that place where i've determined and declared that i'm unlovable then i'm sorta "living" unconsciously if you see what i mean. if we're mired in that sh*t then how can we be our "i'm a brilliant and beautiful soul" selves? we do the same damn "i have demons" thing over and over because it was all comfy and familiar in the beginning and humans love to gamble. we'll play the slots forever, never win and then walk away broke trying to figure out why the world didnt cut us a break every time. and we'll go back again and again with the same mindset. but at some point the pain we cause ourselves is more damaging than the discomfort of changing what we do, so we change what we do or we die trying i guess and it's the die trying part that's important and here's why.

something like 175,000 people die every day (dont quote me on that number). so approx 175,000 people died yesterday and guess what? they all were broken at one time or another, maybe even yesterday. and they all also had dreams and hopes and plans. they were all going to go someplace special one day and learn to speak another language one day and fall in love again one day. they were all going to go back to school one day or travel the world one day or learn to cook Indian food one day or whatever. alot of them were going to go to therapy one day and learn how to love themselves better one day or take the time to figure out what was really important one day. but they're dead now so too bad for them. and at the end of today 175,000 more people just like them will be dead. you're part of a random group of 175,000 people and you never know when your day is. so dont be the mayor of crazyville. stop limiting your view of your life to sh*t. i'm here to tell you that you're a brilliant and beautiful soul and you're exactly where you need to be in order to learn what you need to learn and you are infinitely lovable.

so knock that 'unlovable' sh*t off. people love you. hell i probably love you. the whole freakin Planet loves you. ok maybe not the whole Planet but who cares? serious. (((hugs)))

[Quintease]

I had massive relationship issues, which were compounded by the fact that I was always in a relationship. All my relationships ended in one of three ways. Either I broke up with them as they refused to commit, only to end up getting back with them. Or I broke up with them after a looong period of time in which I was very unhappy. Or they broke up with me as they felt I was distant and uncaring.

I eventually realised I had 3 major issues - Anxiety/insecurity, abandonment issues, and fucked up ideas of what a healthy relationship was. These 3 problems led me to date people people who either exacerbated my anxiety and abandonment issues or people who I felt emotionally 'safe' with (ie: people I wouldn't fall in love with or were slightly crazy).

This led me into a clearly messed up pattern - Fall in love with someone emotionally unavailable, only to leave with a broken heart. Then date someone who could never break my heart, only to end up unfulfilled and unhappy (or make them unfulfilled and unhappy). I put up with so much rubbish from my partners, and in my relationships, as I didn't know where to draw the line, I didn't know where the boundaries were.

Eventually I dated someone who was scarily mentally ill... and somehow that woke me up and helped me to find my darling husband.

My point is, that I can write all this now with the benefit of hindsight. 5-10 years ago I didn't know all of this. I knew my partners loved me as they fought for me when I walked away. I knew how much I loved my partners. Deep down I knew none of my relationships were giving me what I really wanted, but I didn't know why. I can look back now and think 'My issues with -- and -- and -- caused my partners to struggle in their relationship with me, but also my issues caused me to choose partners who were not good for me because of --- and --- and ---'.

A book that really helped me as I was first getting involved with my husband was - Attached, The New Science of Adult Attachment by Dr. Amir Levine, M.D and Rachael S.F. Heller, M.A.

[CharmingButch25]

Thank you very much everyone I am grateful some of you understand where im coming from.

[Toughy]

its just the abandonement issues

It's been my experience that it's a self-fulfilling prophecy........you get what you expect in a relationship..........

every person deserves to and can be loved and love...

[Nomad]

It's been my experience that it's a self-fulfilling prophecy........you get what you expect in a relationship..........

every person deserves to and can be loved and love...


damn if that aint the damn truth. damn it.

[girl_dee]

I think a lot of my issues stem from family also, no one can really handle them, but its family I cant exactly walk away from that, Ive had a string of bad relationships,but I am trying to work on myself right now so that when someone comes along I can offer them my full self, My therapist seems to think I need to walk away from my family but I cant

Tough one. my Syr helps me realize that the toxic family members don't serve me well. i still have them in my life but at arms length and do not allow them to come between my partner and myself. i'm learning that blood relatives do not mean self sacrifice.

[CharmingButch25]

Yes your right every person does deserve love. Sometimes its just not the right time for some I guess. Right now it's me time. As far as family thats an even harder one , people suggest therapy but I did that for so long and it never worked,but maybe ill try again

[*Anya*]

Yes your right every person does deserve love. Sometimes its just not the right time for some I guess. Right now it's me time. As far as family thats an even harder one , people suggest therapy but I did that for so long and it never worked,but maybe ill try again

I work in the mental health field and will be the first to say that not all therapists are good or have worked through their own issues.

Sometimes it is just not the right fit even if they are highly skilled. If you truly gave it your best and feel like you never got anywhere, it really is time to find another therapist.

I remember so well my first therapist (thank you Ginny wherever you are) really was awesome as I was trying to work through my parental issues. I was 21 and still asking why my parents didn't love me. She just very firmly, each time I asked this question, said: "Because they can't".

I must have asked 20 times until the lightbulb in my head went off, she broke through the last of my defenses and I understood that they just were not able to love me. They never got the tools from their own parents.

When therapy works, it can be life and soul-saving.

[nycfem]

....
I remember so well my first therapist (thank you Ginny wherever you are) really was awesome as I was trying to work through my parental issues. I was 21 and still asking why my parents didn't love me. She just very firmly, each time I asked this question, said: "Because they can't".

I must have asked 20 times until the lightbulb in my head went off, she broke through the last of my defenses and I understood that they just were not able to love me. They never got the tools from their own parents.

Anya, your experience hit home for me and made me look up a poem I wrote years ago about a dream I had about my parents:

"Flight of Anger

I dreamed that my anger
propelled me into flight.
I was inside a store,
and my parents were waiting
outside in a car for me.
I felt so angry at my parents
that I rose up to the ceiling.
I cannot recall
why I was angry
but it was such a powerful force
that I flew around the store.
Then I looked at myself from afar
as the girl, a a teenage me,
got into the car with her parents.
I thought about how the girl's parents
did not really love her,
but because they were her parents
they had to allow her
to get in the car with them.
I felt a sense of utter fright and sadness
that the unloved girl
could have just as easily disappeared
and the parents could have driven off
without any sense of loss.
The girl was too young to know
that she was unloved,
that her parents didn't know her,
and that her family was just
an empty social construction."

[CharmingButch25]

Thank you both for sharing, it all means so much to me in figuring out everything

[snowbunny]

The one thing I have figured out is we can subconsciously push someone away. I do this all the time, I start dating someone everything is great and then I find little unimportant things to drive me crazy until eventually it ends it. I have also figured out that I have the ability to turn my heart on and off when I choose too. I was always afraid that I would get hurt, so it was so much easier to end it on my terms, even if it wasn't supposed to end. I still struggle with these issues, but when I find someone who truly cares about me, they help me work through it. We all have our issues, big and small. It completely depends on the person you are with and how dedicated you both are to making that relationship successful.

[NJFemmie]

Yes your right every person does deserve love. Sometimes its just not the right time for some I guess. Right now it's me time. As far as family thats an even harder one , people suggest therapy but I did that for so long and it never worked,but maybe ill try again


I'm not sure what your family issues are exactly, but YOU going to therapy is going to help to some degree, but that isn't going to change THEM. They are probably not going to change either, so, you have to keep in mind that sometimes keeping a safe distance and limiting your exposure to the negativity is the ONLY way you will find a healthy medium.

If your family is making that much of an influence on you, then you really do need to sit back and find out why. They are not living your life, you are. Keeping a distance doesn't mean you don't love or care for them, but that you love and care for yourself more.

[~ocean]

YEAH NJ ~~ ((((( cb ))))) listen to NJ :)

[CharmingButch25]

It has always been a rough road with my faimly, since as far back as I can remember, but I just keep on staying , I am seriously thinking of just taking the baby and leaving to another town, Not like kidnapping her, I mean legally,but just getting away because I dont want her growing up like them at all.
And I guess now thinking about it,the baby loves me no matter how screwed up I am,So I guess i know at least someone cares

[NJFemmie]

It has always been a rough road with my faimly, since as far back as I can remember, but I just keep on staying , I am seriously thinking of just taking the baby and leaving to another town, Not like kidnapping her, I mean legally,but just getting away because I dont want her growing up like them at all.
And I guess now thinking about it,the baby loves me no matter how screwed up I am,So I guess i know at least someone cares

I'm going to shoot from the hip here.

First step is to stop saying how screwed up you are. You are not, and will never be, the only one with issues. It's almost as if you convinced yourself you are this way and there is no turning back. We ALL have issues and crap to deal with in our lives - the trick is HOW you deal with it and what you allow to take over your life. There are a lot of people walking around out there not saying how screwed up they are, when in fact, they are certifiable. If you know you have issues, really work hard to get through them - and change the way you feel about yourself.

You really have to change your own outlook if not for yourself, but your child's sake. Getting the child away from a dysfunctional family is one thing, but if you are still carrying the dysfunction - what good is that going to be?

[CharmingButch25]

Your very right thank you

[jerbear]

I know im to fucked up to love. My past is what made me. I dont hardly let anyone in ever cuz ik as soon as i do they will see for what my past has done to me and not the real me. Its why im so quiet on this sight. But as everyone that has had rough past it is what makes us stronger in some ways and weaker in others. looking back on the past is a good thing but try not to stay stuck in it to much cuz thats what will bring you down. I have learned from most of my past theres a lot i still dont understand but im glad im still here today to make a go at life and meet some really great ppl. I wouldnt of said as much about 5 years ago when i couldnt escape what i was feeling cuz i wouldnt deal with what had happen to me most of my life. But for what ever the reason that the crappy stuff happen i am better and stronger for it.

[Teddybear]

So I have been doing a lot of thinking today and well for the past few days.
Does anyone else belive that they are too f*cked up to be loved?
Or have way to many demons within themselves to let anyone in?
Ive been dating since I was 11 years old and yet every relationship ends the same, No one wants to actually give me a chance and see what can really happen because Yes I am f*cked up and I have issues, BUT doesnt anyone?
I dunno maybe its a stupid question I just wonder if anyone else feels the same? Or is it just me
I mean I know what Im looking for and it doesnt seem unresonable
So it brings me to the conclusion maybe I have too many demons to be loved or cared for...


Charmingbutch

I used to feel the same way. I had been told my picker was.broke. that I tried.to resue everyone even those who didn't need it. This went on for years I kept repeating the same pattern over and over again UNTIL I decided that I really couldn't love and care for.anyone.else until I truly LOVED me, warts and all.

Once I decided NOT to live as others told me how I SHOULD live . Who I should b what job I should have. Then I started to heal, love myself and was able to have a REAL loving relationship but again I let old dating habits rule and I fell into a very destructive relationship which really did.a lot of harm to me emotionally. But I can thank god for a.really great support system that helped me over come that.

I finally met someone who loves.me accepts me and is my friend. We have a different type of relationship that either of us have ever had.

Imho everyone is worthy of.love and is capable of giving love but its ISN'T going to happen toll we each learn to love ourselves and to accept what is in our past is there and we refuse to let it dictate our future. Learn from it and use it for ur good

[Toughy]

they will see for what my past has done to me and not the real me.

people see what you show them.........so show them the real you....

Everything said to CB25 applies to you

[thedivahrrrself]

So I have been doing a lot of thinking today and well for the past few days.
Does anyone else belive that they are too f*cked up to be loved?
Or have way to many demons within themselves to let anyone in?
Ive been dating since I was 11 years old and yet every relationship ends the same, No one wants to actually give me a chance and see what can really happen because Yes I am f*cked up and I have issues, BUT doesnt anyone?
I dunno maybe its a stupid question I just wonder if anyone else feels the same? Or is it just me
I mean I know what Im looking for and it doesnt seem unresonable
So it brings me to the conclusion maybe I have too many demons to be loved or cared for...

I have pondered this a lot, and I think the answer is this: You have to find someone whose baggage matches yours.

In my experience, someone who is not f-d up (for lack of a better term) can never understand you. Someone who is TOO f-d up is going to overwhelm and exhaust you. So you have to find someone that is at the same level of f*ckedup-edness as you.

It's not an easy task. You have to be honest about your wounds and your scars and be accepting of theirs. You have to be open to healing and changing bad habits. You have to learn to love yourself and put your emotional health first. Because if you're not emotionally healthy, it's not a matter of whether or not you deserve love - EVERYONE deserves love - but whether or not you can be a true partner in a relationship. A partner gives and takes, and when you're not emotionally stable, you either can't give or you don't know how to do anything BUT give.

So my motto is yeah, I'm f-d up, but I love me. My scars make me stronger.



Oh, and Teddybear is right on. I have a friend who I should probably read your post to verbatim.

[Strappie]

So I have been doing a lot of thinking today and well for the past few days.
Does anyone else belive that they are too f*cked up to be loved?
Or have way to many demons within themselves to let anyone in?
Ive been dating since I was 11 years old and yet every relationship ends the same, No one wants to actually give me a chance and see what can really happen because Yes I am f*cked up and I have issues, BUT doesnt anyone?
I dunno maybe its a stupid question I just wonder if anyone else feels the same? Or is it just me
I mean I know what Im looking for and it doesnt seem unresonable
So it brings me to the conclusion maybe I have too many demons to be loved or cared for...

Hi CB,

I've been taught that; Negativity brings bad things and Positive things bring good. So by saying you are fucked up and will never get past it. Then in my eyes you will never get out of it till you think positive.

You say that nobody gives YOU and chance.. perhaps it's you that needs to give yourself a chance? Living in fear of the future is something that a lot of people do, I have done it. It's never easy saying that you are the one that brings things on yourself. It's always easier to say it's the other person, specially if it always happens. That's called a pattern, a pattern you must break to move forward to find that person you will spend the rest of your life with.

If you think negative you will have negative things happen. This is proven. If people are positive, positive things happen. It's time to dig deep and deal with your past to move to the future!

[MissItalianDiva]

Charming Butch,

I could very well be off by a long shot but personally I believe in the Laws of Attraction we receive what we put out into the Universe. If our thoughts and feelings of ourselves are negatively based then of course we naturally are not going to progress and grow. We are not able to attract healthy able minded people when we are so stuck in our own shit we can't see straight. I know it is cheesy BUT try some positive affirmations. Sit down and think about all the good inside you. Stick them on post its and put them in random places like the bathroom mirror say them out loud.

When a negative thought comes into your mind push it down with a positive one. You have to drown out the darkness. Light will always prevail. Start being kind to yourself. Part of respecting oneself and claiming ones worth starts with the company we keep. Yes family may be blood but if they are toxic and suck the joy from us then what is the point. You are going to need to get to a point where you are sick and tired of being sick and tired.

When we allow toxic relationships to continue we must ask ourselves what are we gaining out of this. We do not continue or allow things in our lives unless they have a benefit (payoff) so what is your benefit by allowing toxic people to suck the life out of you.

Are you ready to claim your life back and be happy? I know you want to say yes but are you REALLY ready. I think sometimes it can be easy for people to kind of become addicted to dysfunctional existence.

As for love of course you deserve to be loved...we all do. Everyone of us has amazing qualities inside..some a bit more buried then others but we all do. We all also have baggage and I believe the woman who is right for you will be a strong woman who can call you on your stinkin thinking and help you stay motivated. She will be able to love you through your baggage. Your past relationships may have ended simply because they were not "the one" and simply a stepping stone and lesson along the way.

I sincerely hope you can find peace,clarity and love along your journey!

[Ginger]

Dear Charming Butch,

Here's what I am hearing people saying in different ways:

Do this, get that (be negative, get negative).

Love yourself, the rest will follow.

Everyone is screwed up in some way or at some time; don't be so hard on yourself.

And then there was the unique and I thought, really innovative outside-the-box opinion that you could find someone of equal fucked-up-ness and support each other in getting over your issues and having a good relationship (if I understood you correctly Diva :). I like the liberating, don't-be-ashamed-of-where-you're-at-in-your-life undercurrent in that one.

It all seems so useful.

But I know you will pick and choose which things resonate most for you, which speak to who you really are and which speak to what you're ready for.

I really feel like you're on a good path.

Scout

[Nomad]

Charming Butch,

I could very well be off by a long shot but personally I believe in the Laws of Attraction we receive what we put out into the Universe. If our thoughts and feelings of ourselves are negatively based then of course we naturally are not going to progress and grow. We are not able to attract healthy able minded people when we are so stuck in our own shit we can't see straight. I know it is cheesy BUT try some positive affirmations. Sit down and think about all the good inside you. Stick them on post its and put them in random places like the bathroom mirror say them out loud.

When a negative thought comes into your mind push it down with a positive one. You have to drown out the darkness. Light will always prevail. Start being kind to yourself. Part of respecting oneself and claiming ones worth starts with the company we keep. Yes family may be blood but if they are toxic and suck the joy from us then what is the point. You are going to need to get to a point where you are sick and tired of being sick and tired.

When we allow toxic relationships to continue we must ask ourselves what are we gaining out of this. We do not continue or allow things in our lives unless they have a benefit (payoff) so what is your benefit by allowing toxic people to suck the life out of you.

Are you ready to claim your life back and be happy? I know you want to say yes but are you REALLY ready. I think sometimes it can be easy for people to kind of become addicted to dysfunctional existence.

As for love of course you deserve to be loved...we all do. Everyone of us has amazing qualities inside..some a bit more buried then others but we all do. We all also have baggage and I believe the woman who is right for you will be a strong woman who can call you on your stinkin thinking and help you stay motivated. She will be able to love you through your baggage. Your past relationships may have ended simply because they were not "the one" and simply a stepping stone and lesson along the way.

I sincerely hope you can find peace,clarity and love along your journey!

boy howdy and pass the matzoh balls! dysfunctional existence is just as much of an addiction as any other. LOTS of the same chemistry, many of the same patterns, similar self-destructive behaviors and less than authentic living. doesnt exempt us from responsibility of course and i'm not suggesting that CB is avoiding any personal responsibility - quite the opposite in fact - but i just want to support this statement as strongly as i can without sounding like a zealot. (call it the vehemence of the converted if you like)

on an entirely different note, i dont always hold with the think/get mantra meaning 'think negative, get negative. think positive, get positive'. you can be of a sincere 'think positively' mindset 24/7 and crappy things will still happen. i've amended my version of the mantra to 'think negative, see and invite negative. think positive, see and invite positive' because that's what it comes down to. what have we invited into our lives? kind of like vampires. you gotta invite them in. (or is that an urban myth?) anyway. we're usually careful who we invite into our homes yes? so equal care should be given into what/who we invite into our lives i think. there will always be some crazy rides but the good kind of crazy is the one that leaves us thinking 'ouch that hurt but it was worth it' whereas the bad crazy might make you feel like, oh idaknow, you're 'too screwed up to be loved' maybe? and that mindset hurts sooooooooo much more than any damage anyone else could do to you.

also i think it's wise to look beneath the wrapping paper before handing out that 'positive' label. believe it or not i'm one of those 'there's good in everyone and beauty in everything' people to a sickeningly ridiculous degree so dont automatically read cynicism into what i'm saying. i just think that peeling away a few layers of something to get a little deeper before labeling something a positive experience or a positive influence is wise rather than a cynical take on things. as a matter of fact i think it prevents more cynicism than it creates by allowing you to see some reality and take a miss on the things that were disguised as good ideas. it's also a little empowering to realize that you did the leg work before you jumped in, especially if you save yourself from making a huge mistake. that's a pretty good feeling for sure! cynicism comes from disappointment and feeling taken advantage of. everyone can be disappointed but being taken advantage of is something that rarely happens in non-compromised persons without consent. (by non-compromised i mean people who arent easily exploited such as children, folks who are cognitively delayed, some elders and so on) i honestly believe that the consent part of being taken advantage of or disappointed is what really creates the hurt. it's not the other person/people who actually hurt us sometimes. when we strip away all our posturing and ego we often find that in many cases we've consented to being taken advantage of by others or by our own addiction to dysfunction and the realization that we didnt love ourselves first and best packs a punch like Ali climbing up one side and down the other of Frasier. know what i'm sayin?

[CharmingButch25]

I have tried the positive thinking and Maybe i was doing it wrong but it didnt work, I am very grateful for everyones advice and it really is helping , I am taking it all in and listening, I am stil considering therapy,so we shall see. Thank you very much I cannot say it enough

[Ginger]

boy howdy and pass the matzoh balls! dysfunctional existence is just as much of an addiction as any other.
on an entirely different note, i dont always hold with the think/get mantra meaning 'think negative, get negative. think positive, get positive'. you can be of a sincere 'think positively' mindset 24/7 and crappy things will still happen.

So true! Plus I believe in the random quality of experience, which is always a factor.

i've amended my version of the mantra to 'think negative, see and invite negative. think positive, see and invite positive' because that's what it comes down to. what have we invited into our lives? kind of like vampires. you gotta invite them in. (or is that an urban myth?)

No, it's not an urban myth. It's true.

anyway. we're usually careful who we invite into our homes yes? so equal care should be given into what/who we invite into our lives i think. there will always be some crazy rides but the good kind of crazy is the one that leaves us thinking 'ouch that hurt but it was worth it' whereas the bad crazy might make you feel like, oh idaknow, you're 'too screwed up to be loved' maybe? and that mindset hurts sooooooooo much more than any damage anyone else could do to you.

Ouch, been there.

also i think it's wise to look beneath the wrapping paper before handing out that 'positive' label. believe it or not i'm one of those 'there's good in everyone and beauty in everything' people to a sickeningly ridiculous degree so dont automatically read cynicism into what i'm saying. i just think that peeling away a few layers of something to get a little deeper before labeling something a positive experience or a positive influence is wise rather than a cynical take on things.

yes, time allows a deeper perception.

as a matter of fact i think it prevents more cynicism than it creates by allowing you to see some reality and take a miss on the things that were disguised as good ideas. it's also a little empowering to realize that you did the leg work before you jumped in, especially if you save yourself from making a huge mistake. that's a pretty good feeling for sure! cynicism comes from disappointment and feeling taken advantage of. everyone can be disappointed but being taken advantage of is something that rarely happens in non-compromised persons without consent. (by non-compromised i mean people who arent easily exploited such as children, folks who are cognitively delayed, some elders and so on)

i honestly believe that the consent part of being taken advantage of or disappointed is what really creates the hurt.

SO SO SO true!!! I'm dealing with that one myself.

it's not the other person/people who actually hurt us sometimes. when we strip away all our posturing and ego we often find that in many cases we've consented to being taken advantage of by others or by our own addiction to dysfunction and the realization that we didnt love ourselves first and best packs a punch like Ali climbing up one side and down the other of Frasier. know what i'm sayin?



Great post! I interjected a few comments, in purple.

[Ginger]

I don't think the question is, Am I too screwed up to be Loved?

I think the question is, Am I too screwed up to Love?

[NJFemmie]

I have pondered this a lot, and I think the answer is this: You have to find someone whose baggage matches yours.

In my experience, someone who is not f-d up (for lack of a better term) can never understand you. Someone who is TOO f-d up is going to overwhelm and exhaust you. So you have to find someone that is at the same level of f*ckedup-edness as you.




I don't know if I agree with this statement.
It's sort of like - the blind leading the blind and find this enabling and counter productive.

[Leigh]

Are you ready to claim your life back and be happy? I know you want to say yes but are you REALLY ready. I think sometimes it can be easy for people to kind of become addicted to dysfunctional existence.

Diva, I read this one part of your previous post and I see so much of myself in that one post that its almost scary. I have become very used to the dysfunctional existence that I've been leading for about 10 years now, and I truly do want to change but I see now that its the part of me that is clinging to that "comfortable" life that is sabotaging my happiness. Many times when one gets used to living a certain way, its almost like they think (me included) that this is as good as it gets and this must be the kind of life that we deserve to live. I was at that point, and still am, but reading this thread is helping me more to see that while yes i am f*cked up in my own way (who isn't?), I deserve to be loved just as much as anyone else in this world.

I want to thank everyone who has posted in this thread so far ~ your not just helping CB, but others as well :)

[*Anya*]

We all have that dark part of ourselves.

It takes courage to look deep inside to see it, feel it and to chose to work to heal it as best as we can.

Some people willingly step into this abyss, others walk slowly towards it with baby steps and still others run away out of fear.

Letting down our defenses and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable with ourselves and then to be able to do it with others is very scary.

If we want to be able to truly connect on an intimate levels with others, it must be done but it is the hardest thing of all to do.

I know because I struggle with this issue constantly.

[CharmingButch25]

I am glad that my thoughts to post this helped you out Leigh, and I am very greateful for everyones responses

[Leigh]

I am glad that my thoughts to post this helped you out Leigh, and I am very greateful for everyones responses

It has helped alot CB, so thank you for posting it :)

[ruffryder]

Sometimes its just not the right time for some I guess.

I have gotten some great advice by posting this, and I do think that I have a lot of stuff to work on, so maybe its not that im too screwed up to be loved, its just I need some work before anyone could be ready to love me,


I think you got it! Lots of great advice here to help anyone. You are still young bro. Enjoy life. Make goals, be happy. Live for you! The right girl will come along when the time is right for you in your life and when you and her are both ready for that time. For now, date. You will figure out what works and what doesn't and what makes you happy. Run from red flags and embrace the great times and great people. In time ... You will get there and you will know. It won't feel like drama and work with no stress, worries, and doubts.

[CharmingButch25]

Yes I have truly gotten some amazing advice! I know I can be loved and I can love, my last relationship was just very damaging and has left me a wreck, I thought she was my soul mate and she probably is but we just aren't meant to work. She told me she loved me was in love with me than she took it back not once but twice, than she decided she was leaving me to go to Australia and would be gone a year, but I am realizing I can be loved when the time is right

[Toughy]

you can have more than one soul mate.....

[Bard]

I was in the place where you are just a few years ago.. I have learned that you have to like who you are before you can really love I had to respect who I was not be willing to change to become what someone else wanted me to be.. to realize that there was a woman who loved me for me and she was real and gave me a love that is real and forever she is my diamond not some cheap imitation.. she loved me for me not how I looked or what I could give her she stuck by me as I delt with my baggage and my scars she stayed even when the ghost of relationship past haunted me and made me feel I was not worth her .. you know what I am worth her love .. you have to love you and see that YOU ARE worth it

[Bleu]

Hi CB,

I've been taught that; Negativity brings bad things and Positive things bring good. So by saying you are fucked up and will never get past it. Then in my eyes you will never get out of it till you think positive.

You say that nobody gives YOU and chance.. perhaps it's you that needs to give yourself a chance? Living in fear of the future is something that a lot of people do, I have done it. It's never easy saying that you are the one that brings things on yourself. It's always easier to say it's the other person, specially if it always happens. That's called a pattern, a pattern you must break to move forward to find that person you will spend the rest of your life with.

If you think negative you will have negative things happen. This is proven. If people are positive, positive things happen. It's time to dig deep and deal with your past to move to the future!

Dear Strappie and many others,
Well, put. And, I can attest to this through recent personal experience. I am the happiest and most positive I have ever been in my life and darn it, good things...no, GREAT things just keep on happening.
If you want a blessed life, it is paramount to bless yourself with the positivity you deserve within each moment.
Life is grand!
xo,
~Bleu

[pamcat]

Hi CB,

I've been taught that; Negativity brings bad things and Positive things bring good. So by saying you are fucked up and will never get past it. Then in my eyes you will never get out of it till you think positive.

You say that nobody gives YOU and chance.. perhaps it's you that needs to give yourself a chance? Living in fear of the future is something that a lot of people do, I have done it. It's never easy saying that you are the one that brings things on yourself. It's always easier to say it's the other person, specially if it always happens. That's called a pattern, a pattern you must break to move forward to find that person you will spend the rest of your life with.

If you think negative you will have negative things happen. This is proven. If people are positive, positive things happen. It's time to dig deep and deal with your past to move to the future!
I have to agree that a positive mind and outlook is the key to making things happen, with you in control. After my a huge upset in my now defunct relationship, I beat myself up pretty badly and allowed myself to be cloaked in negativity and black thoughts - I blamed myself for allowing things to happen. I eventually took advice and saw someone who has helped me redefine the circumstances, and shake off the self-doubt and to identify the type of personality I was drawn to. I'm aware now that I tended to 'save' people, to meet my own needs, but this was only ever going to be destructive. I like who I have become, and I'm positive about my ability and what I can bring to a relationship and friendship. Life is good, and I'm good to myself. It's not easy at first, but to think positively leads you in a whole new direction and to new openings.

“You are Braver than you Believe, Smarter than you Seem, and Stronger than you Think.”
Winnie the Pooh -

[puddin']

i've had a love-hate relationship wit' therapy fo' mos' o' mah adult life. yet, it's been mah savin' grace.

i now realize i'm fucked up enough to try! yes, i did jus' say dat. as i used to think i was too fucked up to even give it a go.

i have found i'm lovable despite my fuckedupedness.

and dat is a relief beyond b'lief....

[Leigh]

Hi CB,

I've been taught that; Negativity brings bad things and Positive things bring good. So by saying you are fucked up and will never get past it. Then in my eyes you will never get out of it till you think positive.

You say that nobody gives YOU and chance.. perhaps it's you that needs to give yourself a chance? Living in fear of the future is something that a lot of people do, I have done it. It's never easy saying that you are the one that brings things on yourself. It's always easier to say it's the other person, specially if it always happens. That's called a pattern, a pattern you must break to move forward to find that person you will spend the rest of your life with.

If you think negative you will have negative things happen. This is proven. If people are positive, positive things happen. It's time to dig deep and deal with your past to move to the future!

I need to listen to this advice also; thanks for posting it Strappieeeeeeeeeeeeee :)

I was in the place where you are just a few years ago.. I have learned that you have to like who you are before you can really love I had to respect who I was not be willing to change to become what someone else wanted me to be.. to realize that there was a woman who loved me for me and she was real and gave me a love that is real and forever she is my diamond not some cheap imitation.. she loved me for me not how I looked or what I could give her she stuck by me as I delt with my baggage and my scars she stayed even when the ghost of relationship past haunted me and made me feel I was not worth her .. you know what I am worth her love .. you have to love you and see that YOU ARE worth it

Wow do I EVER know how you feel there bro; I was in that place even just a few months ago. Its taken me, literally, years of trying to get over being bullied during high school and being put down by my father to get to a place where I know I am worthy of being loved as opposed to believing I could never be loved. I still have a long way to go, but I know now that I am closer than ever before to having the exact same mindset ~ staying positive is having good effects, so I keep plugging forward and its worth it in the long run!

If you want a blessed life, it is paramount to bless yourself with the positivity you deserve within each moment.

I just wanted to quote this part of your post Bleu because its very true; if we want good things to happen in our lives we have to remain positive no matter how difficult it seems.

I have to agree that a positive mind and outlook is the key to making things happen, with you in control. After my a huge upset in my now defunct relationship, I beat myself up pretty badly and allowed myself to be cloaked in negativity and black thoughts - I blamed myself for allowing things to happen. I eventually took advice and saw someone who has helped me redefine the circumstances, and shake off the self-doubt and to identify the type of personality I was drawn to. I'm aware now that I tended to 'save' people, to meet my own needs, but this was only ever going to be destructive. I like who I have become, and I'm positive about my ability and what I can bring to a relationship and friendship. Life is good, and I'm good to myself. It's not easy at first, but to think positively leads you in a whole new direction and to new openings.

“You are Braver than you Believe, Smarter than you Seem, and Stronger than you Think.”
Winnie the Pooh -

This is just a wonderful overall post pam, and extra points for the quote cuz I love Winnie the Pooh :D

i've had a love-hate relationship wit' therapy fo' mos' o' mah adult life. yet, it's been mah savin' grace.

i now realize i'm fucked up enough to try! yes, i did jus' say dat. as i used to think i was too fucked up to even give it a go.

i have found i'm lovable despite my fuckedupedness.

and dat is a relief beyond b'lief....

For a lack of a better way to put this, i think we are all "fucked up" in our own way; we all have baggage that we carry and alot of the time we think it makes us unloveable or undesireable. That's of course not the case at all, but I've noticed that often it is engraved into our minds by others around us (friends, family etc) that because of our past or said baggage we will never find someone to love us but that's not true.

I'm glad this thread is here :)

[WintergreenGem]

For a lack of a better way to put this, i think we are all "fucked up" in our own way; we all have baggage that we carry and alot of the time we think it makes us unloveable or undesireable. That's of course not the case at all, but I've noticed that often it is engraved into our minds by others around us (friends, family etc) that because of our past or said baggage we will never find someone to love us but that's not true.

I'm glad this thread is here :)

I agree with this. I have learned that it is how we handle or let our baggage control us that makes the difference.

[CharmingButch25]

I am glad that by me posting this thread about something I honestly felt that it has been helping others, I do belive that we all have some form of fuck upness and baggage, but when the time is right there will be a person come along and I truly belive everything will just fall into place, The past few days have been really hard on me, dealing with a lot of personal bs but my friends here at the planet have really kept me going with positive thoughts, thanks everyone for being you and thank you to everyone responding to this thread, it really does help

[Leigh]

I agree with this. I have learned that it is how we handle or let our baggage control us that makes the difference.

Exactly, I agree with you 100% :)

I am glad that by me posting this thread about something I honestly felt that it has been helping others, I do belive that we all have some form of fuck upness and baggage, but when the time is right there will be a person come along and I truly belive everything will just fall into place, The past few days have been really hard on me, dealing with a lot of personal bs but my friends here at the planet have really kept me going with positive thoughts, thanks everyone for being you and thank you to everyone responding to this thread, it really does help

I can see how this thread is helping alot of people, and it certainly has helped me as I've said before so thank you for creating this CB *hugs*

[QueenofSmirks]

For a lack of a better way to put this, i think we are all "fucked up" in our own way; we all have baggage that we carry and alot of the time we think it makes us unloveable or undesireable. That's of course not the case at all, but I've noticed that often it is engraved into our minds by others around us (friends, family etc) that because of our past or said baggage we will never find someone to love us but that's not true.



I don't think it's true that we can't find someone to love us because of our baggage. I think people fall in love all the time, unaware of the other person's baggage. I do not, however, think we should expect others to put up with bullshit caused by our baggage. It's ours to own, deal with, and control. This isn't to say that we should be perfect, but loving someone doesn't equate to putting up with destructive behaviors. If someone's baggage is so much that it's affected every relationship they've ever been in, then they should take time out of relationships and work on their issues until they can function in a relationship that isn't controlled by those issues. In my opinion, it's irresponsible to do otherwise.

[CharmingButch25]

Thank you all very much again I cant say it enough, all of your words and thoughts have really helped, life kind if took a rough turn and I had a very bad day when I wrote this. They also had me on a medicine for my health called prednisone and its also known to mess with someone's mind. I now realize that it was silly to think that I or anyone is too screwed up to love. I know I just like everyone else with baggage is not unloveable. I've had bad stuff happen but who hadnt there are people a lot worse than me. Yes I am sick and who knows what the future holds but I know that no matter what I can and am capable of loving and being loved, lately I have come across a few beautiful women but they just like me have baggage and one in particular accused me of being depressed just so didn't have to talk to me she created and made up stuff because of her own issues, but I just keep being friends with anyone and I myself know that no matter how crazy or screwed up someone is I won't give up on them. Thanks again to everyone who read and responded and I am always around just send me a pm if you nerd a friend

[CharmingButch25]

So I revisit my thread and I think I have finally had a breakthru in my own personal crap! Im not too screwed up, I just needed to clear my mind refocus and things are getting better! Im starting something new and its very unfamiliar to me , scary but in a good way, I just hope I don't mess it up but with a positive attitude I think things will be ok, and at the end if the day I have the best love anyone could want that of a child that love comes with no conditions and nothing better than kissing my little one goodnight!

[CharmingButch25]

So a lot can change in a week, I have decided to just focus on me and my little one! She loves me for me, and as for everything else it will fall into place when it's supposed to!

[Leigh]

Best to focus on yourself for now Charming, I'm starting to do that too and its making a world of difference for me :)

[sweetee]

O my I sure know all about this , i have issues that i cant do anything about right now ,It makes it hard for others to want to be be with me or/and sometimes be even my friend ....I have started to work on my stuff and I do hope within a few months i will be on the right track ....just never give up !I refuse to think and or let others hold me down any more ....i had a pretty messed up childhood as well and yes it can be hard to get past that and not let it seep into ever day life but ...sometimes ya got to just tale a really deep breathe close your eyes and le it all go ...have a good cry ...it cleanses the soul .Then Take one day at a time ....Thats what im doing ..

[wahya]

I used to be. But I have learned a whole different me exists. Thank God!

[4everlonelyfemme]

Well, I am an ugly femme so you might not appreciate my opinion but...

Noone has ever so much as wanted to flirt with me in a bar or buy me a drink so...

I would take anything I can get, but that seems to be nothing and nobody. So it's not a matter of being screwed up, it's all about your standards etc...Like if you're superficial of course you're not going to find true love.

Really wheneever I see stuff like from guys or butch lesbians about oh am I ever going to find someone the only thing I can think of is, this person would reject MY love in 5 seconds so... Can't take it seriously.

[Anomaly]

Sometimes I know the feeling. I've had a couple serious realtionships go sour, and it seems to always leave me wondering what's wrong with me. It's only years later when I'm looking back, remembering the new terms I learned, like "emotional abuse," and "sexual discrepency," where I can have some peace and know that I'm not unlovable, it just wasn't the relationship for me. Like I'll look at my ex from 10 years ago, and she's a character and really funny with her goofy temper and all the off-the-wall stuff she says, but I can't believe I ever beat myself up over her opinions.
She cray.

[Ginger]

Well, I am an ugly femme so you might not appreciate my opinion but...

Noone has ever so much as wanted to flirt with me in a bar or buy me a drink so...

I would take anything I can get, but that seems to be nothing and nobody. So it's not a matter of being screwed up, it's all about your standards etc...Like if you're superficial of course you're not going to find true love.

Really wheneever I see stuff like from guys or butch lesbians about oh am I ever going to find someone the only thing I can think of is, this person would reject MY love in 5 seconds so... Can't take it seriously.


Hi, 4everlonelyfemme.

I was thinking about your post. I wanted to tell you, for what it's worth, that I've always noticed that people's level of attractiveness (based on whatever cultural standard you hold), seems to have no correlation at all to whether or not they're in a relationship, or in a good relationship, for that matter.

I look around at the people I know in couples, and some are movie-star gorgeous; others, more unique looking. I think it has more to do with their personalities, their access to a community, dumb luck, etc.

Just thought I would share that with you.

Scout

[Glenn]

d take anything I can get, but that seems to be nothing and nobody. So it's not a matter of being screwed up, it's all about your standards etc...Like if you're superficial of course you're not going to find true love.

Really wheneever I see stuff like from guys or butch lesbians about oh am I ever going to find someone the only thing I can think of is, this person would reject MY love in 5 seconds so... Can't take it seriously.

So when you see other couples together you feel like strangling them right? Lol. Don't be so selfish and spoiled, and blame them! It's not their fault if you don't get your way while looking in your " delusional ugly mirror." You really are not ugly you know. And do not settle for whatever you can get either!
When I was an 18 year old butch, and young like you, I was delusional too, thinking the opposite of ugly. I thought I was such a good-looking, white-knight, (but in reality, I was really conceited and co-dependent, who thought I knew everything.) So , when I met a damsel in distress like you, I tried to help her. (and deep down, we both felt unworthy, but tried to save each other anyway) so she'd love me forever and not be lonely anymore. And because of our co-dependency needs, we trauma bonded, and complained about the world together, and became crazy together and dysfunctionally in/compatible together. and on and on it went... Like that song by Eminem, Love The Way You Lie.- quote "you're the same as me."

[Sweet Bliss]

Well, I am an ugly femme so you might not appreciate my opinion but...

Noone has ever so much as wanted to flirt with me in a bar or buy me a drink so...

I would take anything I can get, but that seems to be nothing and nobody. So it's not a matter of being screwed up, it's all about your standards etc...Like if you're superficial of course you're not going to find true love.

Really wheneever I see stuff like from guys or butch lesbians about oh am I ever going to find someone the only thing I can think of is, this person would reject MY love in 5 seconds so... Can't take it seriously.

Your thoughts create your reality. So take a hard look at them. Being young and easily influenced by the media and your peers is going to be difficult to deal with if you don't develope a strong inner core.

I was a mess at your age. Now at 56 I know for a fact that I'm beautiful, funny, smart, quirky, loving, impossibly onery, cuter than hell, and irresistable. (except when i'm on my pity pot to my great embarrassment)

I am FEMME. Make no mistake, I love myself first because that's where love lives. (keep in mind this is a daily challange) Inside us. Love is not found outside of your self. (learned the hard way) Become the love you are looking for. Knowing love means you will recognize it when you come across it in others. (That's my belief)

Focus on giving to others, not receiving. :rrose:

[Cid]

I used to think I was too screwed up to be loved and lost both a lover and really great friend. I didn't see what I had and kept her at arm's length.
One thing I learned was why I did that and what lesson I learned from that relationship.

1. It wasn't entirely my fault (best lesson to learn)
2. If you really care about someone, it's ok to put the walls down.
3. It's ok to be different, just make sure you fit in each other's world instead of
one trying to fit into the other's world.
4. Make sure the relationship is a two way street.
5. Self esteem is the most beautiful part of a woman.

[BstlMyhart]

Too screwed up to be loved? Yep! But that's ok...I love and respect myself :)

[Nadeest]

I don't think so, Bstl.

[Daktari]

I always believed I was the 'original fucked up kid', however I've been loved by some really amazing women during in my life. Some of them are still there despite us no longer being together.

Ergo, ya can never be 'too' fucked up.

If you truly believe that you're 'too fucked up' can I suggest seeking counselling/therapy to work through this intensely negative mind set. Then you might be able to move forward and beyond your negative self-talk to allow others to love you.

[Talon]

No one...and I mean no one ...is too *screwed up* to be loved.

It is what we are designed for, as human beings.

[Ascot]

I think it can be really tough, starting to work on our stuff. If one is coming from a place of always focusing on it, whether from a "damn, I've got a lot of bad shit" or a "Oh, woe is me" position, it can no doubt seem insurmountable. Perhaps not on a conscious level, but I think there also exists a fear, or at least an awareness that if all of the crap goes away, it will, of a sort, create a void. That whole evil we know thing can be hard to release. If I don't have that on which to focus, what will I have? When something, even a grossly negative something, has been a touchstone for so long the letting go of it can be terrifying, particularly when it has become seemingly inextricable from one's sense of self. Of course the hope is that eventually the way will be cleared so light can reach the good. The psychic brambles will be mulched to provide ground cover, etc. and the healthy can begin to sprout.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I have an underlying belief about this, it comes from - I think - being adopted and having abuse issues from the family I was adopted into.

I'm 43 and been in therapy since I was 24. Therapy did a lot for me. It got me to come out as gay and kinky, got me off heroin, got me back into uni. Got me to confront my parents, got me to become far more independent. It allowed me the huevos to travel on my own and move to a new continent on my own.

But it still did not erase my abandonment issues.
Then I got married to someone I loved more than anyone. I trusted and gave myself over. Getting married helped my abandonment stuff so much, I truly believed someone made a commitment to me, to us, and was going to stick around to work on things instead of fucking off.

then she left when a crisis hit the relationship.

I learned that it's not just me that's unloveable. I learned that people, in general, just cannot be trusted with commitment. People do NOT have the same values as I do around commitment and that's just that. They don't. I was willing to work through a betrayal and affair that she had. I was willing to work through her alcohol problems.
This is what a marriage is to me. I do not believe in divorce. That is why I never married.

Then the worst thing happened. She left. It was humiliating, we had only been married 10 months - isn't that just like them lezzo weddings - and shamed and beyond devastating - 4.5 years was the longest anyone has stuck around. And to me it was sudden.

I stopped eating, I shook all the time, I couldn't sleep, I got written off work, I got put on meal replacements and tranqs. I stopped being able to read, unable to watch a 30 minute tv program, cried on my bike, the bathroom, public transport, the grocery store, everywhere and unable to stop.

I did not take it well.

I still can't read more than a couple of pages and I have a bit of residual stress related ADD, and it's 20 months later.

Abandoment stuff is harder than people think. it goes very, very deep. It causes us to become caretakers. And to put up with things other people would not.

However, having this happen, I realised that I'm rampant caretaker, worse than I ever thought, to prove that I'm needed, I'm useful and I can be something to need if not loved.

I said to my friends once when we were in my room
"Oh it's easy to get someone to fall in love with you."
"WHAT? Not it isn't."
"Yes, it is."
"What on earth are you talking about?" They both gapped at me
"well... first you find out where their weak point of functioning is, then you function for them in that regard. Then you find out what their weak point of emotional fear is and you half give it to them, not all, cause you'll scare them. Enough though that they will chase you to get the rest. There you go. it works. They won't stay though. That just gets them to pay attention and think they love you for 6 months to two years and then they bugger off."

One of them then clubbed me with a pillow.

But that is what I was doing. This is how I functioned for people.

Right now I am not cooking for anyone. I am not playing nursey for anyone. I am not doing art projects for anyone. Nor am I helping them get a job or helping them sort out anything. I can be extremely controlling because I'm afraid of abandonment. I "help" and this is a way of controlling people.

My last FWB was kind enough and loved me enough to call me on my shit. She still does, bless her. And I didn't fucking like it at first, and it's not easy to hear. Last thing she told me, only a few days ago is I can be like a very sweet and enjoyable puppy whos feet are too big and winds up clawing.

She means I'm clumsy and I hurt people while trying to help them. And I probably do. She has told me over and over again to just let someone else take the lead and chill out and stop trying to steer the boat. And to stop "letting the other person think they are steering while you do it secretly" (I'm highly manipulative. And she's right, I can be).

So although I date a bit and have sex, I am not doing fuck all for anyone. it's taken me about 18 months to get to a place where... I just want to do things for me. And I don't want anyone to look after. And I don't want to risk that part of my heart to get left, so it's not up for grabs.

That's the thing, you see? If you can't risk the loss, then don't gamble. Keep your coin for now. It's hard. I went through tons of stuff where I couldn't possible imagine not being in a relationship. I HATED being single.

I wrote about how much I hated it, here:
http://femmeinadakini.blogspot.ca/2012/08/im-going-to-spill-something-ive-not.html

that entry admits a whole bunch of stuff I kept secret from everyone and although it was frightening to stick up on the net, admitting it to whomever felt like reading it was a very good thing to do.

The orig OP might be able to identify with some of it.

My abandonment issues will likely never go away. They've been there since 11 days old. But I have learned that if the very very worst happens, it won't kill me. It almost did, but it didn't. And I have learned that by keeping parts of myself back, that no one else is allowed to have in a relationship way (friendship way, yes, they can see it and show me theirs but they can't hold it or keep it).... then it's not as bad to be rejected.

I think part of the problem is that those of us who would do ANYTHING to keep a relationship going, put too much of ourselves up for taking. It makes us feel even more insecure because we think we have to. And if someone rejects those bits? it's like having the most sacred parts of yourself stabbed, mutilated and rejected. And it gets scarred.

the thing is, people who don't have those issues DON'T put absolutely everything up on a platter and they have things just for themselves. They keep some things as non-merging items to sort of have as a connection, but they don't "share" it in owner ship with a partner. It's too much responsibility for other people. And it scares the living shit out of us and makes us too vulnerable, sitting their, worrying about what someone is going to do with those bits we've given up.

So I may not be great wit my abandonment issues, but I am learning to manage them. I've been dating since I was 14. So please accept my 30 years experience and I hope you find something useful in it.

Understanding my co-dependant behaviour was very much key and tied in to it.

Babs xo

[MysticOceansFL]

I've always said that E/everyone has a little bit of Dysfunctional in them and no one is perfect and I also say god made us and if there is something that's broken then it can be fixed!!! So don't be down on yourself so much everyone is in the same boat.

[chris1life]

I am one messed up puppy myself I'm a lot better but am still a work in progress. When I was younger I dated people that i knew were straight or just as messed up as me. I felt if I could fix them or make them love and want me I would finally feel that I was enough. It always ended the same way it took counseling and tons of pain to figure out that it wasn't them it was me. As long as I kept the attitude that it was them and not me I couldn't get better. We all have baggage/demons its what we decide to do about it that matters. I'm not saying we can just decide not to have issues because that doesn't work but speaking for myself once I figured out the what's and whys I have been able to control some of my reactions to situations.
I took a few years and wouldn't get into a serious relationship Because I knew I would revert back to old habits And behaviors. Once I learned to love and care for myself the kinds of women and relationships I attracted was healthier.
I now see my truly screwed up past as a learning experience and though there is a lot I'm not proud of its all part of me. The changing of attitude about yourself is very helpful. Some times I Have to remind myself of these things..
I love myself first and for most.
My past is just that its my past I wont allow it to own me
My current wife IS NOT my family or ex and shouldn't be treated as if she is
I may be messed up emotionally and mentally but that doesn't mean I am a horrible person and what ever issues I still cling to can eventually b worked out
I know that even though I LOVE my wife with all of my heart I am a strong person and I don't have to have her to live my life.
Now the last one seems cold and God only knows if she left it Would break my heart. For me though I had to learn that my lovers do not make me. I don't have to be with someone to be fixed or whole. I am a wonderful person regardless of my issues.
This sounds childish but it has helped me to learn to love myself. Early on I was a wreck but I took time to get to know me. Yea at one time I was to messed up to b in a relationship but after I started enjoying my own company I found I was much more lovable.
Please don't ever think u are worthless, unable to be loved or unable to heal. You can its a lot of work but you are worthy of love. Fight for yourself dig your heals in and hold your head high. Silly as it sounds my counselor had me tell myself every morning and night in the mirror that I loved myself then through out the day I paid attention to what I was doing and if I done something well I'd stop and give myself a mental pat on the back

[wahya]

I used to feel like I was too screwed up to be loved. Now I know I am just conditioning myself for the love of my life. :)

[BowtiePrincess]

I felt the same way until very recently. However I can tell you that it will come and when it does it will be amazing.

[BoDy*ShOt]

...But I have learned that if the very very worst happens, it won't kill me. It almost did, but it didn't. And I have learned that by keeping parts of myself back, that no one else is allowed to have in a relationship way (friendship way, yes, they can see it and show me theirs but they can't hold it or keep it).... then it's not as bad to be rejected.


THIS.
••but I'm working on untangling the triple-knotted ribbon that's wrapped around that part of me ;), as I'm feeling the want to toe the waters ••

xoxxo Babs.

[girl_dee]

i don't think i am too screwed up to be loved but i do think i am too screwed up to be understood.

There is only one who has even come close to doing so.

[little_ms_sunshyne]

I think I am hard to love...

But I would also like to think that there is someone out there for everyone.

[Bard]

i thought that i was to screwed up and i lost faith and belief in love then i met desd and her love changed me healed me now i know i deserve love and i have a amazing life

[MsTinkerbelly]

I too am hard to love...after nearly 11 years, when we are out and I look up and my wife is not in sight, for a second I am filled with the certainty that she left me. Because of her love it is only a second now instead of breaking into a cold panicked sweat, but I know she can see it, and I know it hurts her.

I am a helper, and a pleaser, and I lose myself in what everyone else needs...but with therapy I am finding me and learning that the reason she stays and puts up with my shit, is because she loves me, even when I'm not all that loveable.

All of my life I pushed people away because I'm sure they will leave, but I'm finally done with that, and I'm in this for keeps.

No one is unloveable, and no one is too much of a mess....it just takes the right two people that will work through the hard stuff, and rejoice in the good.

[EnderD_503]

While technically I don't think anyone is "too screwed up to be loved," I think that it's important to stay in touch with yourself.

I had a lot of baggage by my early 20s from a lot of different experiences, from childhood physical/emotional abuse, being bullied the majority of my school years, blaming myself for what happened to those close to me, having sex/gender issues that I couldn't identify until my early 20s, drug abuse, alcoholism and a whole ton of guilt and hate. It was in my early 20s when I started working out my sex/gender stuff and that's when I really started to work through all the other shit in my life. At that point I really did feel too screwed up for relationships, and every relationship I was in I ended up fucking up because I hadn't yet figured myself out. I was still working through a lot of things, I hadn't learned to see myself in a positive light, was insecure as hell, didn't like myself let alone love myself, how to be open and accepting, communicative and open to communication. After I eventually realised that I pretty much banned myself from committed/serious relationships. Sex/short-term, yes, but long-term/serious relationships? No way. I just couldn't deal with that along with snowballing dysphoria. I needed time to work through myself, understand myself, get to know my triggers, get to know what made me comfortable/uncomfortable, get to know how to communicate, how to even respect someone else truly (something I think many people really don't learn, tbh).

But now I'm in a really awesome relationship with someone I love in ways I couldn't have even imagined possible. I'm nowhere near being perfect and I still have my baggage, and recent crappy events in my life haven't exactly lessened that baggage, but the difference is now I'm more self-aware and open to others.

And the point of me saying all this is that, yeah, sometimes we might just be "too screwed up" to be in a relationship. It doesn't mean we'll never be ready, it doesn't mean that there's something wrong with us. It just means that sometimes life hits you with a sack of shit and the stink takes some time to get out of your head. A relationship should be about respect and communication, and if you think that you can't respect the person you love in the way that they deserve because you still have some unresolved things to work through, then maybe it's best to hold off until you have a bit more of a handle on things. It doesn't mean your life or your mental health has to be "perfect," that you have to have gotten rid of all your demons...it just means having that understanding. Knowing when you need space, knowing how to deal with it when someone else needs space, knowing how to communicate and respect each other. I think all of us deserve that.