Returning Home - how to reconnect

[imperfect_cupcake]

Heyas I'm returning to Canada (Vancouver) after living in england for the last 9 years. I never had enough money to visit home so it's going to be a really big shock.

there are a few things I'm really nervous about. One is the level of consumerism and advertising. One of the things I was most releived about coming to england was the relative lack of products rammed in my face all the time. The christmas was actually more relaxed and pleasant and didn't start in October. That everything closed on christmas.

and I hated christmas at home and was pretty anti-christmas. but in the UK... it was actually nice.

the other is butch-femme stuff. It's different over here with most of the butches I know... gender isn't shoved into friendships - people aren't my butch friends or my femme friends or my lesbian friends or my.... they just are my mates. they know who/what they are and there isn't any need to qualify it all the time.

I know vancouver is pretty mellow in this way so not really an issue but I know a good proportion of the types I go for here don't have the same language or the same qualifying that seems to go on a lot on line in north america and I'm very nervous that after adjusting and finding - actually, I really like this laid back and relatively accepting approach in the UK.

I'm also pretty visible as a lesbian here. If I say I am one, I am one. If I flirt with a dyke, I am one. Or close enough! they really don't care if I'm highly feminine and they don't really care if my date is "masculine"... so I'm nervous that local community just won't fit with the my changed way of thinking - or I won't fit, really.

I'm also nervous about hearing a completely different set of accents again and I'll find it quite jarring.

I'm nervous because my sense of humour has changed quite a bit and I LOVE really taking the piss and the same done to me. I love sarcasm, irony, dark humour, cutting humour and crossing the line in taboo ways like the show "nighty night" did (a female serial killer with a welsh "gimp" side kick that made me piss myself laughing on a regular basis) and I know how offensive that will seem to some people who don't really get that taking the living piss out of someone means that you actually really like them a lot and thus feel comfortable enough to insult them quite a bit.

one of my exes who is one of my closest friends rips the piss out of me on a daily basis. I know she does this because she really is very fond of me. It makes me laugh.
her: "I'm going to miss you. Simple as."
me: "I know. I'm going to miss you very much :( "
her: "but I'll get over. Like really it quickly. You won't though! Hahahahahahahaha!"
me: "I won't miss you with the biggest piece of my luggage, Richard" (she made me promise to stop calling her a dick so now I call her Richard instead...)

and when she does something that makes me tut she mocks my accent and mimics me in : "*huff*(mocking my accent) oh TONI. Don't be naughty."(grinning)
*shooting her a look*
"don't you look at me like that Miss Babs. oooooooooooooooooo.... you slap me while I have this tattoo gun in my hand and I'll draw a cock on your back." *revs gun*

there are people I'm going to miss after 9 years.

My question is for those who have been overseas or living in another country for a while and moved home: I know I'm going to go through reverse culture shock till I figure out how to reconnect myself with home. I know I'm going to be different, see things differently, and that my friends back home will have changed. I know if I can't readjust, I can leave again (and probably go to Melbourne this time). But I'm home for 3 years to do my schooling at least. If it goes well, I'll stay.

I'll also be blogging all of the things I will be experiencing in this regard so I'll have an outlet for it. heh. Sort of like a dyke bill bryson...

so those who have lived in another country and come back: how did you cope for through re-entry depression? did you go through it? what helped?

[MrSunshine]

I focused more on the things I loved and missed. Everything else just fell into place with time.

I wish you all the best and hope you can find comfort when you reach your destination.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I plan on being as positive as possible - I'm a glass half full person. But I do also wish to be realistic in understanding/coping with reverse culture shock. 9 years is a long time. I came over here without full comprehending culture shock in the first place, as I never really experienced it much before, even though I had stayed in other countries for chunks of time. Moving somewhere permanently or with the intent of permanence and having to integrate had difficulties I didn't count on.

after 9 years I still struggle with aspects of some of the culture. As I know a lot of non-english people here I know do.

so I sort of wanted to go home a bit more prepared. I have done some reading on it, but was hoping for some coping techniques that people did.

and yes, focusing on the positives are one thing :)

[lusciouskiwi]

I really wish I could offer some coping techniques. I know exactly what you're talking about - the whole kit and caboodle - but I haven't lived at home (New Zealand) since 2000 (except for a period of about 4 months).

I always find it a bit stressful going home because it's usually rush there and then rush back. But I always love the familiarity of tress, accent, food, culture but then I look around and say "hey, what happened to such and such building?" "Oh it was pulled down ages ago". I find that hard. Everything changes but when we're living overseas for such a long time I think the memories/photos we have in our head don't have change going on ... I know you know what I mean :)

One of the things I like about being home is that nobody looks at me - in Asia it's pretty obvious that I'm a foreigner. When I lived in California, of course I didn't stand out, but as soon as I spoke "Oh, you're British!" "Oh, you're Australian!" "Are you from the Netherlands?" Or the way every other word seemed to be "bitch" :| and boobs blown up out of proportion and the whiter-than-white teeth (you should have seen my face the first time I saw a woman with an obvious breast enlargement! look of shock). So I was invisible as a New Zealander in the States.

And actually, even though it's obvious that I'm a foreigner in Asia, in a way I'm still invisible. The joys of being white I suppose. But part of my identity is pakeha - a Maori word to mean non-Maori - I can't use it out of NZ and I found that really hard because as someone who's white, what else do I have to uniquely identify myself?

Anyway, sorry, you're talking about reverse culture shock.

I think quite possibly what's most important is to make sure you have good dialogues going with your mates in Canada before you get there. I have some darling friends in NZ that I love to pieces but haven't been in touch with them for ages. It scares me that maybe their lives have moved on so much that we won't be able to reconnect. That would break my heart.

Maybe you could think of yourself as an immigrant to Canada?

I hope others can contribute - it'll be an interesting conversation!

And why Melbourne? Always wanted to go there but haven't managed it yet.

[Martina]

] Or the way every other word seemed to be "bitch" :| and boobs blown up out of proportion and the whiter-than-white teeth (you should have seen my face the first time I saw a woman with an obvious breast enlargement! look of shock). So I was invisible as a New Zealander in the States.


Musta been socal. Our teeth are a natural shade of gray up here in the north.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I really wish I could offer some coping techniques. I know exactly what you're talking about - the whole kit and caboodle - but I haven't lived at home (New Zealand) since 2000 (except for a period of about 4 months).

thank you lusciouskiwi!! I know I'm returning to a country more homogenous than where I am. I go out for dinner with an american, an australian, a dutch girl, a NZ, two gals from dublin, a german girl who brings two mates from austria. And it's not unusual. We laugh there are no english present. I am resolute to not fall into something insular when I get home. North America can be a very large island far from everything else.

thank you very much for understanding!

I always find it a bit stressful going home because it's usually rush there and then rush back. But I always love the familiarity of tress, accent, food, culture but then I look around and say "hey, what happened to such and such building?" "Oh it was pulled down ages ago". I find that hard. Everything changes but when we're living overseas for such a long time I think the memories/photos we have in our head don't have change going on ... I know you know what I mean :)

I'm sure I will do. I haven't been back once in those 9 years. not enough money. I saw my mom once for a week when she came over and my dad once for four hours when he came over. I've been looking at google earth try try and soften those blows and it has been a bit hard to find some of my favorite places gone - the ridge cinema with the home made brownies and independant films and animation festivals closed and became town houses for example. Eagle ridge is now razed and is now a suburb called Eagle Ridge. etc. But I know I will find a lot more changes and find it disjointed and jarring. thank you for articulating that. I haven't quite experienced it just yet but the reminder heads up is good.

One of the things I like about being home is that nobody looks at me - in Asia it's pretty obvious that I'm a foreigner. When I lived in California, of course I didn't stand out, but as soon as I spoke "Oh, you're British!" "Oh, you're Australian!" "Are you from the Netherlands?" Or the way every other word seemed to be "bitch" :| and boobs blown up out of proportion and the whiter-than-white teeth (you should have seen my face the first time I saw a woman with an obvious breast enlargement! look of shock). So I was invisible as a New Zealander in the States.

heh. Quite. one is outed as soon as we open our mouths. 9 years my accent has softened somewhat. so now many people get a confused look and say "scottish?" "Australian?" "where ARE you from?" or of course "what part of America are you from"
"oh I'm not." smile. No more information given. because I like watching them be confused.
"ah... ??"
"Oh. I'm from the OTHER country in North America."
click on their face. sudden panic. I smile.
I do enjoy watching the social blunder. cause I'm mean!
"oh. Oh I'm so sorry. Terribly sorry. Of course."
"that's ok. we all sound the same. Sort of like all of you did when I first came to england."
"no no, I can hear that you are canadian. how silly. your accent is softer. and you aren't yelling." (LOL keep back paddling, harder!)

And actually, even though it's obvious that I'm a foreigner in Asia, in a way I'm still invisible. The joys of being white I suppose. But part of my identity is pakeha - a Maori word to mean non-Maori - I can't use it out of NZ and I found that really hard because as someone who's white, what else do I have to uniquely identify myself?

yes. the ability to identify when the cultural markers are no longer there and you become an amorphus blob of foreigner. One of those quaint funny people who talk too loud or are so friendly you frighten the locals because they think you are mad (what happens to me. I've never been able to staunch that friendly warmth and bubbly "hello!" to strangers that is seen as a sign of insanity in southern england, so people are often a bit wary of me. Oh my god margret, she's going to speak to us! She might be mental or something!). But there are times that I do enjoy not being a local. Being foreign. My name actually means "stranger" or "foreign." Bit easier for me to play utterly ignorant or pretend I am clueless and just go about things my own way.


Anyway, sorry, you're talking about reverse culture shock.

I think quite possibly what's most important is to make sure you have good dialogues going with your mates in Canada before you get there. I have some darling friends in NZ that I love to pieces but haven't been in touch with them for ages. It scares me that maybe their lives have moved on so much that we won't be able to reconnect. That would break my heart.

I have been trying a bit, through facebook. and I have been able to manage a few connections. my friends at home don't tend to use it much. But when I came over I was shocked how everyone had mobiles and very few people in vancouver had them. I sometimes can talk to my friends on skype or facebook but mostly they are too busy off doing outdoor stuff. that makes me happy. Here people are glued to FB as a social utility. As am I. I look forward to that changing.

Maybe you could think of yourself as an immigrant to Canada?

I hope others can contribute - it'll be an interesting conversation!

And why Melbourne? Always wanted to go there but haven't managed it yet.

I think looking at myself as an immigrant would be a good idea, actually.

and I certainly hope more people do contribute!!

Melbourne? well. I always wanted to live in australia. And from talk to an ex who is of that ilk, she told me about melbourne. I researched it and talked to the Australians I know here and those english who have lived there. they all agree I wouldn't like sydney (mega cities are not for me) but that the culture of melbourne would probably appeal. Plus it's a bit warmer and drier than vancouver. Which is what I would want!

Where in asia are you?

I am hoping when I get home, to try and find as many foreigners to hang with as possible heh. I want to ensure I still keep that part of my brain going. Plus I will be able to empathise!! It will be interesting how they find west coast canuck culture and what parts don't fit well. I'm very interested in hearing that.

[Martina]

Canadians yell? They seem so soft spoken. I guess that says something about yanks then.

[firegal]

Well hopefully the transition will be painless!

I am in the Pacific northwest... just a few hours south of vancover.

I work in a large city and live 40 mins south ....The glass half full will help most all transitions go as smooth as possible.

Wishing you well and welcome back to the [extended] pacific northwest.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Canadians yell? They seem so soft spoken. I guess that says something about yanks then.

heh no it's just a stereotype of yanks in europe. Loud american (talking loudly about "personal things" in public space and forcing everyone to listen to their "business").

[Elishat]

I've lived in Japan for the last 5 years and am planning on moving back to the states next year. Reverse Culture Shock is going to hit me very hard too, I know it. I'm used to, and quite like, Japanese culture now, which is very different then the US, plus I am completely bilingual. So I know adjusting will be miserable.

A couple of things, first, I focus on my hobbies. Before I change countries (I have moved back and forth before) I look for a horse barn in my new area. I am an avid horse rider. One of the first things I do after moving is start riding again. First of all it gives me something to look forward to, second, instant friends. People with things in common always have something to talk about. This goes for any hobbies/sports. Like knitting/crochet? find a knitting circle. Like soccer? find an adult soccer team.

Second focus on the positives about going home. Seeing my family, food that I can't find in rural northern Japan, and dating, are the things I am looking forward to. I am going to miss Japan something fierce but I also have many things I am looking forward too.

Lastly realize that, no matter what, you are going to miss the home you leave behind. Keep in touch with your friends there as much as you can, they will help keep you grounded too!

Good luck with the move!!

[Soon]

Even though I'm in Ontario, I'm glad you're going to be back on Canadian soil! I'd love to have a meet up with some awesome like-minded folks like yourself out there if possible!

I don't have much advice, as I'm IN my hometown, and still have a difficult time finding making connections and friends (many have moved away or just gone their own ways and there is zero b/f community), but I did want to wish you the best.

After reading some of your other posts, I think this is going to be a great decision and the start of a fantastic new stage in your life. You have a lot going for you, and I'm sure many opportunities and friends will be found!

[imperfect_cupcake]

I've lived in Japan for the last 5 years and am planning on moving back to the states next year. Reverse Culture Shock is going to hit me very hard too, I know it. I'm used to, and quite like, Japanese culture now, which is very different then the US, plus I am completely bilingual. So I know adjusting will be miserable.

A couple of things, first, I focus on my hobbies. Before I change countries (I have moved back and forth before) I look for a horse barn in my new area. I am an avid horse rider. One of the first things I do after moving is start riding again. First of all it gives me something to look forward to, second, instant friends. People with things in common always have something to talk about. This goes for any hobbies/sports. Like knitting/crochet? find a knitting circle. Like soccer? find an adult soccer team.

Second focus on the positives about going home. Seeing my family, food that I can't find in rural northern Japan, and dating, are the things I am looking forward to. I am going to miss Japan something fierce but I also have many things I am looking forward too.

Lastly realize that, no matter what, you are going to miss the home you leave behind. Keep in touch with your friends there as much as you can, they will help keep you grounded too!

Good luck with the move!!


oh it's a dream of mine to travel in japan!!! I love so much of japanese culture.

I started zazen a little while ago and find it's been helping me adjust to all the massive upheval that I've been dealing with. So, yes, I think that's a very good idea. I've been looking for soto dojos in vancouver, I went on OKCupid and POF to see who's around for dating and it seems to be MUCH easier than dating here (people actually date. the dating ritual here makes me mental as it was one of those things I just don't understand and couldn't adapt to thus most of my partners have been non-english or from oop north) but the one thing that attracts me to people is caustic humour and vancouver people are very polite and nice at first so I feel I have to rumple them up a little bit to get them to relax enough to know that it's ok to piss take.

I am looking forward to seeing some of my old friends and doing things I haven't done in almost 10 years. Some of those points are quite good, so I appreciate that. Keeping myself focused and connected to activities I do where ever I am will help. I am incredibly thankful for skype as I will be able to communicate with people anywhere. I do find it odd that not as many people as I thought use it.

I will also be looking for a writers group and perhaps archery. I would love to get back into horse back riding again. Ideally I'd love to combine archery with horseback!

But I have school starting in Jan and I'm sure between running, zazan, dating, friends and school, I think I won't have much time for much else. I used to play bass, paint, do silver sauder, uni, date and run in my 20's. how I managed to do that I have no idea.

Thankyou LK mapping this out is helping.

PS I always dreamed of living in rural japan for a little bit. I know I know next to nothing about it, but "Satoyama: Japans secret water gardens" is one of my all time favourite docus and would love to live it for a bit.
Satoyama I Japans Secret Watergarden 720p (Documentary) - YouTube

[The_Lady_Snow]

For Snow this means:

HB moves to Canada---->HB gets passport-----> HB comes to BFP Reunion = WELCOME TO CANADA!!! I support you!

[Martina]

I know. I too thought HB on the same continent! Even on the same coast. How cool is that?!!!

[Kätzchen]

That's so nice HoneyBarbara that you're coming back home to the Vancouver, BC area and that you at least have your extended network of friends, school, dating and activities to help buffer the tremendous challenges you anticipate during the up and coming transition of relocation. Will you be teaching cultural anthropology?

It sounds to me like you're making all the right moves in preparing for what comes next. I really like your idea of blogging the whole process. Reverse culture shock and reflecting on all the items of change one seems to face in a new enviroment, especially since there's the time span of ten years change or better, seems like a really good way to map your process and be able to have something tangible to work with and maybe even be a bit like a coping tool of sorts.

I am excited for you! :rrose:

ps/ horseback riding and archery = best time ever!

[Sparkle]

I was in Blighty for 6 years. And now I've been back in the States for nearly 8.

The re-entry was REALLY hard. :( And there wasn't much to be done about it. The missing was (and sometimes still is) painful. I felt "off" for a couple of years. Everything had changed, especially me. I felt restless and sad and kind of empty the first year. But most of the culture shock itself dissipated within a year.

I still feel overwhelmed by the size of things, sometimes... portions at restaurants, ginormous grocery stores and parking lots and SUVs :|

Things that helped:

*reconnecting with old friends, renewing and deepening those relationships, helped a lot.

*keeping busy - especially in the first year. I made dinner plans with friends a couple of nights a week and tried to always make plans for the weekends.

*learning to appreciate the quiet and the alone time, this took me a few years, now I wonder how I survived with so little of it before.

*making plans for mini-trips to new places, and to see other "old" friends-- one of the things I've missed the most (aside from my people) was how relatively inexpensive, easy and common traveling is in Europe. Travel/airfare is really expensive here, so I was grateful that I traveled a lot for business because I was able to maintain that feeling of excitement and curiosity about discovering somewhere new.

*I had to tune out politically for awhile (I came back a week before "W" was re-elected in late 2004.) :| And I can't really stomach the media/news here. I still get most of my news online from the guardian, the independent or bbc.

*Reading books, listening to music, watching shows/films that are British (or that reminded me of my time abroad) was helpful too. Especially when I had a day that I felt really foreign.

[Daktari]

North western Britlandian here, volunteering for stand-in Brit Duty should it ever be required :england:


:groucho:

[imperfect_cupcake]

Thank you Sparkle, I tried replying earlier but the net ate my post.

I will take all of those suggestions to head. I really am very glad to see people posting me their experiences cause it really does help.

And Daktari! fantastic. where abouts are you? are you in western canada or the PNW?

[Ginger]

Congratulations, on making this exciting change!

[tazz]

Well hopefully the transition will be painless!

I am in the Pacific northwest... just a few hours south of vancover.

I work in a large city and live 40 mins south ....The glass half full will help most all transitions go as smooth as possible.

Wishing you well and welcome back to the [extended] pacific northwest.

***agreed. i lived in Bellingham, Washington last year for a little while... 1/2 hour from the border of Canada.

i have since moved back to Cali (where i grew up), but i Don't find it home. i much prefer the North.

Congrats on your big change! :)

[Scuba]

My question is for those who have been overseas or living in another country for a while and moved home: I know I'm going to go through reverse culture shock till I figure out how to reconnect myself with home. I know I'm going to be different, see things differently, and that my friends back home will have changed. I know if I can't readjust, I can leave again (and probably go to Melbourne this time). But I'm home for 3 years to do my schooling at least. If it goes well, I'll stay.

so those who have lived in another country and come back: how did you cope for through re-entry depression? did you go through it? what helped?[/I][/B]

I never did figure out how to do this. About 4 years ago, I left a job that had me all over the world all of the time and for months at a time for 12 years. I lost a relationship for exactly the reasons you point out here. I lost my connection with my friends, my partner and my life as I knew it in the States. When you're gone, in another place, another country, you learn to assimilate and where ever you are becomes your world. Home begins to fade and you lose track of everything you knew there. You make new friends, develop new habits, find new familiar places.

Coming home was difficult especially for my partner. I felt "disconnected" from her and my friends. I didn't know how to relate to them and was out of loop in all that had happened while I was gone. They had grown accustom to my absence. It was natural and unintentional for them to exclude me from event invites and such. For my partner, we had nothing to talk about. We had nothing in common. The gap between us was finally so great she found someone she could relate to and I can't say that I blame her.

I eventually left this job for one that left me on my home turf in the States. I wouldn't do it again unless I had every intention of staying put.

I wish you luck and hope you find just a little of what you left after your absence :)

Cheers,

Scoobs

[genghisfawn]

Good luck to you!

I lived in Saskatchewan all of my life before moving to the UK for a few years in my early 20s. I've been back just over two years and my re-entry was hard, despite coming back to a place I thought I knew well.

Even walking through downtown Saskatoon blew my mind as I stood in front of a new, purpose-built office suite for a mining conglomerate, asking my best friend, "What was here before?" Ugly new boxes representing houses have sprung up all over. Road construction still prevails (that much never changes.)

I have a tape of when I returned home, and my mother made me read the first few pages of Anne of Green Gables in my "new accent". Living in North Yorkshire had required some speech adjustments so I could be properly understood (vowels, idioms, aspirations, etc.), and it only took until I went back for Christmas, 6 months later, for me to greet people with a typical prairie, "Hey, how're you doin'?" and have them reel back, saying, "You sound so CANADIAN. What HAPPENED?"

I listened to that tape for the first time 3 months ago. I sound... odd. I don't know who that even sounds like, even though it's my voice. I remembered all of the adjustments I'd made coming back, how shy I was to see friends I hadn't seen in years, how for a few weeks (before I could get a job) I still had more unchanged pounds in my wallet than my scanty dollars (I changed them when I had to for friend-reunion drinks, cigarettes and bus fare.) I remembered being afraid to open my mouth in public, how friendly customer service people scared me (you'll get used to being asked if you need anything again, I promise!) and how f*cking disgusting Canadian cigarettes tasted compared to my lovely Sterling menthols.

You'll adjust. Once you're just getting thoroughly sick of telling the 1,000th person, "London is great to visit, but it's hell on earth to live there," you'll be pausing in doorways to quickly yank your scarf away from your mouth to light a cigarette before the howling snow whisks your flame (and cigarette, and sanity,) away like you never left. :)