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*Anya*
11-05-2012, 03:26 PM
...but were afraid to ask/share/discuss.

A couple of folks have brought up that we really did not have a thread to talk about the art and science of dating.

Not a hook up thread but a place to ask questions, get tips from each other or trade dating positives as well as dating horror stories.

Hopefully, this can be a positive and encouraging thread.

What would you like to talk about?

We are interested.

homoe
11-05-2012, 05:01 PM
Here’s something I’m willing to share on this thread! If someone has caught your eye and piqued your interest and you’re willing to take the risk and ask them out, my advice is to be specific and get the word ‘date’ in at some opportunistic moment. Being too vague is a mistake I think occurs all too often in the dating world

*Anya*
11-05-2012, 05:45 PM
Since I have been doing a bit of dating the last 6-8 weeks, I am more than happy to share my success stories as well as my not-so-successful stories.

I always meet first for coffee. I like having my car in case it does not turn out well and I always pay for myself.

Even though I never say yes without reading profiles first, one never knows what one will find.

The most stable appearing people may not be so much in person. I never let anyone know where I live until I have that first meeting for coffee and never if I don't want to see them again.

I have downed a cup in 30 minutes (when I knew it was not going to work) and have taken 2-hours (when I thought there was potential).

It's kind of like a job interview....disguised as a date.

homoe
11-05-2012, 06:34 PM
I have to admit I’ve never been fond of the coffee thingy. It is indeed like a job interview and we all know how nerve wracking one of those can be! I think another reason I avoid the coffee date is because I always get the feeling the clock is ticking and I’ve only got a limited amount of time to make a good impression or they are out the door!

genghisfawn
11-05-2012, 07:01 PM
I generally like to chat for a little while first... when someone says, "I don't like to chat and e-mail endlessly - I just want to ask you out and see where it goes," I know we're not going to be a match. I'm introverted and meeting someone new burns my energy and attention up at an alarming rate, so unless there's something that catches my attention and I really *want* to meet within a few communications, then fine.

I think my worst date ever was with someone who was outright disgusted that I'd ever had a relationship with a man (he was my unicorn, and I genuinely loved him.) She berated me at the table, then excused herself to the "bathroom" (and by that, I mean "never to be seen again.) Cripes.

macele
11-05-2012, 07:10 PM
sometimes i can trust my first impression sensor deal i have in my 455 rocket LOL, ... and sometimes i need to chill and come back around for a second "whatchoo got up under that hood!".

i miss things. i really do. i'm the nervous type, even though there's no telling what i might say, say just what i'm thinking, ... i'm still so nervous. i like to think she is too.

but i'm not one to give advice on dating lol. you all just give away! i like reading.

Dude
11-05-2012, 07:28 PM
I love that you started this and I think it will help people
if nothing else than to see other perspectives.

Back in my twenties I had a therapist who told me to go on
practice dates to help me with my non datearound er stuff.
I even told these dates that they were practice dates and
they did not seem to mind. I only had three of them (different
people) and none made me want to pursue a second date.
Then I stopped the experiment ,my ex came back into the picture
and said I needed to date her more , so I did. :]
I still would date her more and again which is why I went
to therapy to begin with. If only we had met later in life , I think
things would have been very different and we would likely still be
together.

Then a few years later I dated two women at the same time. My ego
got big ,thinking I had to choose between them and poof
I ended up with no choice at all.

I used to roll my eyes seeing ads talking about "friends first"
but now I sooo fucking get it.
For me, you have to first be my friend and then stay my friend
or I gotta go.

So, I gotta wonder if that's a reasonable request and if I am
crazy for thinking that maybe a long (?) friendship is the way to
begin. Then , I have also been in situations where it
has been a friendship so long you cant even imagine being
with that person romantically. No sparks.
friendly sparks
is that asking too much?

Then comes the internet stuff , web-caming and what-nots (snort)
I've had woman cam me without even asking
being more than a bit suggestive to get my attention.
oy
and it worked
I was reeled in but I was younger and didnt know jack.
I dont want that for myself , these days.

I think if it is the "right"
someone it will just flow and there will be an equal infatuation
(a desire to learn ALL about each other)
and no rush to consummate things. (Owning "my stuff" as
well here.)
I see things happening at warp speed online and that is
not for me at all. (although I have done the warp speed lust,
I would never be able to say that I loved someone on the
second or third meet up)

sparky , lusty friendship with a heaping dose of kindness
and patience is what I genuinely want :vigil:


I wont put myself in a position to compete for anyone
nor do I think the person who is "right" for me would
tolerate competing for me.

I've seen many sad endings by people thinking they
have won the prize but it was all just about the winning
and they really didnt even want the prize.

*Anya*
11-05-2012, 08:22 PM
I do love reading about other experiences and perspectives.

I am an introvert too but find it relatively easy now (other than the first hello) meeting women on a 1:1 basis.

Before that coffee date, some emails and texts are exchanged-I don't go in cold.

This may sound terrible but I don't have a lot of time or energy these days. I want to meet sooner rather than later. Honestly, if I do not have any sexual attraction for the person-I don't get dragging it out.

If I have sexual attraction, then yes, I want to invest the time and attention to get to know them better.

Having sexual attraction does not mean jumping in bed with her but knowing it has the potential to have it all-love, intimacy, companionship and sex.

I'm no nun. I have jumped. :|

That is a story for another day...

Greco
11-06-2012, 10:47 AM
Anya,

Your thread has come just in time. I've tried this once before but now can see how it went the wrong way, you live and learn.

Yes, I have put down my walls and am going to date. For me its been several years, and no not looking for anything but having great talks, fun outdoors, sharing quality time.

Greco

Dance-with-me
11-06-2012, 11:00 AM
Good thread.

re: Making it clear that it's a date - I think it's equally valid to clarify that it's NOT a date, but is a time to just get to know each other, to see if there is dating potential. I was SO relieved when the response to my asking someone out the other day (first non-online person I've gone out with for over 20 years) was "I can't say that I'm ready for a real date yet, but I would love to get to know you better." That was a great (to me) response and might even be something I might say when approaching someone.

The main dating advice I'd give ties into the u-haul thing: I think there is this u-haul stereotype within our community because too many women find some connection, compatibility and chemistry with someone and immediately start thinking "forever," then when they SHOULD be still just dating, when things start being problems they approach it as "we've made this commitment so this is something we need to figure out how to fix" instead of "wow, I guess we're not as compatible as we thought, and s/he's not quite the person that I thought s/he was." I'm a VERY strong proponent of waiting a couple of YEARS before promising forever and committing yourself to work through whatever issues might come up between you, because you really don't know how that other person is going to be "in sickness and in health, for better or worse" unless you've given it the chance to play out. If the relationship is going to be forever, it can survive waiting a couple of years before making that forever promise. I don't mean waiting two years before promising to be monogamous, maybe not even a couple of years before cohabitation. But an open acknowledgement that we really don't know each other enough yet to promise forever -- a *gasp* period of DATING before getting engaged or married.

Amber2010
11-06-2012, 11:23 AM
I agree having a conversation and spending time together just getting to know each other is key. I think I can do that in almost any situation. I am a talker and love great conversations. Friends is key. If you can become friends and have things in common then you have taken the first step. I am never looking for a romance at first I really want the friendship and feel the romance can blossom from that first step of liking each other.

*Anya*
11-06-2012, 01:12 PM
Some of my not-so-successful dates are sad and some are humorous so I will also share some of them.

Skip this if you already read it in the zombie thread:

A couple of weeks ago, I met a woman for coffee. She had her own web-based business and seemed really stable before we met.

After chatting a bit, she proceeded to tell me that she was "really hot for Latinas".

I looked at her and said: "You are out of luck with me then, as I am clearly not". She then told me that the love of her life was Latina and passed away.

I told her I was very sorry to hear that because I was.

She then told me that her love had died of a heroin overdose and though they were living together for 5-years, she had not known that her partner was shooting up. :|

Another one was an ex-nun who shared with me that she had had sex with almost everyone in her order:| and was looking for someone to join her all-ex-nun weekly mass that they held on Sundays. Also out of luck as I am not Catholic.

Another Googled me having my name only and proceeded to tell me where I lived, how much my house cost originally and what my property taxes were:| creeped the hell out much? Yes, I was. Still am, thinking about it.

I can honestly say that I have never Googled anyone I have dated or been in love with. It feels like such an invasion of privacy to me. I just can't do it.

I don't know how the rest of you feel about it.

I have had quite a few very interesting and positive dates. This post, however, is not about them.

Dude
11-06-2012, 01:32 PM
maybe "access denied" is the key?
:police:
to be on the safe side of premature
jumping or diving

http://i291.photobucket.com/albums/ll299/nakedphilologist/Icons/bth_cutepoison89-menintights-chastity.jpg

http://i195.photobucket.com/albums/z44/kc-tater/Posts%20and%20Threads/bth_chastity_belt_1.jpg

http://i37.photobucket.com/albums/e66/Mr_Xtrme/bth_xr-al130_100_75.jpg

;)

half kidding/half not
:sigh:

Greco
11-06-2012, 02:11 PM
Anya,

I also do not google anyone, it is an invasion of privacy. If they want me to know they'll tell me. Have heard of much more then go ogling in this cyber world...some quite invasive.

Greco

Some of my not-so-successful dates are sad and some are humorous so I will also share some of them.

Skip this if you already read it in the zombie thread:

A couple of weeks ago, I met a woman for coffee. She had her own web-based business and seemed really stable before we met.

After chatting a bit, she proceeded to tell me that she was "really hot for Latinas".

I looked at her and said: "You are out of luck with me then, as I am clearly not". She then told me that the love of her life was Latina and passed away.

I told her I was very sorry to hear that because I was.

She then told me that her love had died of a heroin overdose and though they were living together for 5-years, she had not known that her partner was shooting up. :|

Another one was an ex-nun who shared with me that she had had sex with almost everyone in her order:| and was looking for someone to join her all-ex-nun weekly mass that they held on Sundays. Also out of luck as I am not Catholic.

Another Googled me having my name only and proceeded to tell me where I lived, how much my house cost originally and what my property taxes were:| creeped the hell out much? Yes, I was. Still am, thinking about it.

I can honestly say that I have never Googled anyone I have dated or been in love with. It feels like such an invasion of privacy to me. I just can't do it.

I don't know how the rest of you feel about it.

I have had quite a few very interesting and positive dates. This post, however, is not about them.

laruss
11-06-2012, 02:23 PM
Some of my not-so-successful dates are sad and some are humorous so I will also share some of them.

Skip this if you already read it in the zombie thread:

A couple of weeks ago, I met a woman for coffee. She had her own web-based business and seemed really stable before we met.

After chatting a bit, she proceeded to tell me that she was "really hot for Latinas".

I looked at her and said: "You are out of luck with me then, as I am clearly not". She then told me that the love of her life was Latina and passed away.

I told her I was very sorry to hear that because I was.

She then told me that her love had died of a heroin overdose and though they were living together for 5-years, she had not known that her partner was shooting up. :|

Another one was an ex-nun who shared with me that she had had sex with almost everyone in her order:| and was looking for someone to join her all-ex-nun weekly mass that they held on Sundays. Also out of luck as I am not Catholic.

Another Googled me having my name only and proceeded to tell me where I lived, how much my house cost originally and what my property taxes were:| creeped the hell out much? Yes, I was. Still am, thinking about it.

I can honestly say that I have never Googled anyone I have dated or been in love with. It feels like such an invasion of privacy to me. I just can't do it.

I don't know how the rest of you feel about it.

I have had quite a few very interesting and positive dates. This post, however, is not about them.

Anya these are hilarious and kind of scary. Good for you for getting out there and dating and experiencing new people. You never know when you will find "the one". They say you have to kiss a lot of frogs...

I have to say I have Googled people, whether dating them or not. I also Google myself on occasion just to see what is out there. It surprises me the info you can find. I more do it out of curiosity. Unless I was worried for the other person I would never tell them what I found. I did tell a friend when I found her cell number and home address listed for anyone at all to find. But, other then that I have never found anything out about someone that was a concern. I would never contact someone based on info I found on line. I would go through the proper channels and only use it if they gave it to me (eg: address or phone number).

I am a huge flirt, or I used to be, I am a bit broken right now. So, I typically have no problem getting dates. I talk to people everywhere and just like to get to know people. I have made some really good friends that way, and found some great loves. I am currently not interested in dating, but because I recently moved to a new area, I have put myself out there to make some new friends. But, I have been very clear that it is only friendship that I am looking for right now. I really need to find a community here and get to know a few more people in my neighbourhood.

I think it would be tough if you were shy, this is not my problem. I think forums like this (or any interest you have) are a great place to get to know people in a less threatening way. You get to know a bit about them and then you can decide whether to become friends or date. I have gotten to know some great people here as well as some other forums (art and writing forums).

Anyway, good luck to everyone.

One piece of advice I can give from my online dating past is not to take anything personally, they don't know you. We go on online dating sites to get to know people and so we may chat a bit, even move to the level of talking on the phone, may even meet, but it is all the 'getting to know you' process. Don't take it personally if it ends or the person disappears or isn't' who you thought they were. You don't know them and they don't know you.

Oh, I just remembered a bad experience...

I remember one time I was chatting with someone and we were about to move to the phone call step and they mentioned they were a cop. I personally don't date cops (my choice, I know I generalize and miss out on a lot of great people. No offense intended.) I worked for the police department and it left a bad taste in my mouth, so it is a blanket across the board rule for me. They questioned my why and I said that I had worked for the Police department and knew a lot of cops, even had some cop friends, but I didn't date cops due to what I knew about the personality type. I apologized and said it was nothing personal but it was my choice. They tried to defend and when I wouldn't give them my number and thanked them (I was polite the whole time), they got angry and abusive (point proven). I had not given them my number and next thing I know I am getting phone calls from them... abusive phone calls. My number was unlisted.

It didn't stop me from online dating or giving my number to people. I didn't take it personally. Their bad behaviour was on them. And yes this could have been anyone, I am not saying all cops are bad people.

For the most part I have had really good experiences dating. Not a lot of crazies like Anya.

*Anya*
11-06-2012, 03:06 PM
Great advice about not taking things personally laruss!

I am pretty sensitive about a lot of things but for some reason, not much in the wonderful world of dating.

On the dating site where I meet potential dates, frequently I will get an email or a smile from women but when I read their profile (or see that they live in the UK or Costa Rica, to name a couple I have received); I just do not respond.

Conversely, I have sent smiles to women within my parameters of Santa Barbara to the north, San Diego to the south and they never responded.

I just figure that either they don't like my profile or my picture or that they fell in love with someone. Regardless, I do not take it as a personal rejection- I just move on. Who knows why they did not respond. It may have zero to do with me.

I might, however, say to myself: "Damn, she was really cute, too!".

Oh well, you can't win them all!

LoyalWolfsBlade
11-06-2012, 03:41 PM
I think for me I have to pass on a coffee date. I am usually nervous enough without the added benefit of caffeine in my system. Though I do agree completely that the first date "interview" should be done some where public and at least semi-quiet. After all it should be about communicating with each other.

It has been quiet awhile for me since I have been on an actual date and I had better luck it seems before I found sites like this. That is because I really am a poor social communicator in written form. Now if you want an academic paper or resume I am your guy but social written communication, especially one-sided like in a post I am finding out that I often fail at it. So when I meet someone I am straight up front and tell them this and ask them to be patient enough to ask questions until we have reached the text stage which occurs before the phone call stage in my book. I find that taking the time to chat does help and especially if it is supplemented with emails.

I think I am one of the few people I know that does use Skype but has never had Skype sex. I use it as a way to get to know the persons body and facial language because they say so much more then words on a page or over the phone. Besides I do not have to type with Skype and I really do not like typing, to old school I guess. I have had women I do not even know well enough for them to know the city I live in try to be sexual with me on Skype though and it takes every thing I have not to say are you kidding me.

I have had people Google me and come back with questions that blew my mind. I wonder if they know there are more then one person out there with my first and last name. I have also had them say you lived here and here and my response is usually well yeah I told you that. Personally I try not to Google anyone unless they give me a reason to be suspicious and if that happens the relationship is usually over before it starts. I have however Google my own name just because I want to know what information is available to everybody and their mother that happens to have my name and the city I live in.

People wouldn't believe it but I am rather shy at first and a flirt even when I do not realize I am flirting with someone. I believe in friendship that builds to something but if I have been a friend to long I just can not go there. I can not switch gears so to speak. I have to agree with Anya though I would rather have the first meeting be sooner rather then later. You can find out a lot of things about someone online but nothing beats the face to face 'hey do we have chemistry' thing.

Besides I am much more me in person, I think everyone is to a degree. It is easy to hide things behind a computer screen and a lot harder to hide them in person. Always have a plan B or exit strategy though just in case. Like laruss says you do not know each other after all. No matter how much time you spend on here or the phone. The two of you know things about the person but you do not know each other. That takes time in my experience.

*Anya*
11-08-2012, 08:34 AM
I want to talk a little bit about how butches and femmes find each other!

I always read people that post on BFP and that live in towns all across the USA, that write that there are no butches or femmes in their town.

I always want to ask how they try to meet them?

We have to be more creative and take some risks!

I am not on Match.com or OK Cupid but have looked at them and saw profiles all across America, in the most unlikely places! More than a few profiles specified "looking for femmes", "looking for butches".

Some even had user names like: "Looking4myButch" or "Femme4You". Can't get more clear than that!

There are MatchUp activities everywhere. They have activities ranging from dances, to hikes, to golf/camping/house parties, dog-walking on the beach, learning country line-dancing; etc. There are so many activities that pop-up on my email I can't keep track. There are also butch-femme groups for under 40 and butch-femme groups over 40.

I do understand that I live in a large metropolitan area, but you might be surprised to find that there are MatchUps near you and at the activities you will find. It is low-key and they always are around fun, non-meat-market-type of shared activities.

Just some thoughts on things to do or to look for, because we will never find "the one" if we just expect them to find us!

1QuirkyKiwi
11-08-2012, 12:37 PM
On the dating site where I meet potential dates, frequently I will get an email or a smile from women but when I read their profile (or see that they live in the UK or Costa Rica, to name a couple I have received); I just do not respond.

Conversely, I have sent smiles to women within my parameters of Santa Barbara to the north, San Diego to the south and they never responded.

I just figure that either they don't like my profile or my picture or that they fell in love with someone. Regardless, I do not take it as a personal rejection- I just move on. Who knows why they did not respond. It may have zero to do with me.

I might, however, say to myself: "Damn, she was really cute, too!".

Oh well, you can't win them all!

When I get an email or smile from a woman outside of Europe, I'll reply with "Thank you, but the distance is too great." I've resorted to putting "UK and Europe only" on my profile, and yet a few will ignore it.

I emailed a woman on a dating site and was ignored, a few months later we met in person at a local LBGT meet-up. After we chatted for a while, she admitted that she went on my looks even though she read my profile and decided to pass. We went on a few dates which were enjoyable, but there was no spark there for me.

I like to exchange a few emails and phone calls before meeting. The first "date" I like to be casual and take it from there. I don't have any expectations; I've learned not too. I went on a date at the weekend with a butch who was completely the opposite to my "usual tastes". We had a good time and met for lunch today.

Dating is both fun and frustrating and although I've been a quite a few dates that haven't followed on to anything more, I'm learning that my tastes are changing and I'm becoming more comfortable with certain things, such as a date being a couple of inches shorter than me (...only a couple, though, lol!).

ScandalAndy
11-08-2012, 01:53 PM
I think this has already been said, but ask them out! For me one of the most important things is to not sit around and wait for somebody else to make the first move. If you think you might be attracted to someone, or notice somebody out and about, talk to them! I got bit in the ass a couple times when I pulled that creeper move of standing near them and looking at them a lot, stubbornly waiting for them to talk to me first. At the end of the night they left with the person who came up to them and started a conversation.

That being said, I LOVE it when someone asks me out. I'm so used to being the one who does all the "chasing" that it tickles me pink when the other person asks me first, and they are much more likely to get bonus points for that.




And now I have a question: From time to time I will get a compliment on my hair or outfit. I was taught by my mother to say thank you and smile, but that's all I know how to do. I am usually overwhelmed with embarrassment and blush before running away afterwards. What if this is someone trying to start a conversation with me? Is there a better way to respond that can be done by a girl who sucks at accepting compliments? How do I find out if this is just a passing compliment, or an invitation to chat?

*Anya*
11-08-2012, 02:43 PM
Great question Andy!

The compliment is the best ice breaker of all.

I always try to keep in mind that the other person is just as nervous as I am and maybe more. That person screwed up their courage to walk across the room (or wherever) to come and give you that compliment and are probably worrying that you will tell them to get lost or will turn your back on them.

No matter how insecure or self-conscious that I may be feeling, I try to set myself to the side to put the other person at ease.

Everyone likes to talk about themselves. Ask a question or give them a compliment in return ( a genuine one, if you mean it): "Thank you, I was admiring your shirt, too. That looks really good on you". Or, "I love your crew-cut. How often do you have to get it cut?"

Open ended questions work better than ones that can just be answered yes or no.

These don't work in every case but are some things that I have used to keep the interaction going.

We always assume that the other person won't like us, when it may very well be the other way around! In that case, I smile and say, "It was nice talking with you and thanks again for the compliment" and go on my way.

SaltyButch
11-09-2012, 08:34 PM
Oh this is a wonderful thread...the stories I could share. It's been said a few times already that the initial meeting really shouldn't be a "date" it should be a meeting to see if there is a reason why you might want to date. The online experience and real time experience can be different so if you are meeting do something that you both enjoy which may help put you at ease. This initial meeting of course happens for me after I have had some online or phone conversation, if I cannot hold a conversation with you then there is no real point in meeting because communication is key for me.

The worst date I have ever had was a blind date for Pride...I know...I know...I should have known better, we went to a roof party and people I didn't even know were telling me to ditch the girl, I couldn't my integrity would not allow me to...we proceeded to meet some of her friends, she introduced me by the wrong name, and yes I still persevered.

We all went to a restaurant for dinner, thankfully I got along with one of her friends, and looked at this person with disbelief as my "date" leaned over across the table and said to her other friend in a not so quiet voice, I don't think she likes me....and her friend said you think it might have to do with the fact you called her by another name. Lawd save me now, we left and I took her home, and vowed never ever to do a blind date for Pride again. This same girl called me up and said hey you never called me....I wonder why.

1PlayfulFemme
11-09-2012, 09:04 PM
Here’s something I’m willing to share on this thread! If someone has caught your eye and piqued your interest and you’re willing to take the risk and ask them out, my advice is to be specific and get the word ‘date’ in at some opportunistic moment. Being too vague is a mistake I think occurs all too often in the dating world

*Laughing* "dated" a woman once...and didn't know it until our 3rd "date". She NEVER asked me out...simply said we should "Hang out sometime" which to me..was NOT an invitation for a date. So, we hung out. Once. Twice..then on the third "date" she told me that she was talking to her best friend about this girl she was dating...:blush:I hate to admit, I still didn't know it was me..until she said my name in the story....

So, yeah...directness helps... ;)

Soft*Silver
11-09-2012, 09:10 PM
I have dated alot. Alot. So much that amongst my friends, I am pretty much considered the lucky one.

I google everyone. Sorry if its an invasion of privacy. I dont look up your property taxes but I want to see your FB page. I want to know if you belong to hate groups. I want to know you arent married. I wouldnt dream of looking up your IQ but I might look up your dating profile on other sites.

I always talk on the phone first. Alot. And I ask a ton of "what if" questions to get a sense of personality, values and character. Ex: What if the woman you dated a few times suddenly had a death of a close family member. Would you be willing to attend the funeral and calling hours with her?

I make sure everyone knows I am DATING. Not IN a relationship the moment we meet. Lesbian Uhaul is a common theme. And I date more than one person unless I am in a committed relationship.

Recently, one of my acquaintances locally was going on match sites. She smiled at a woman, they talked once on the phone, and she began calling her her GF. Seriously? There was a presumption on her part that something was going to happen between them since they had similar interests. Well hell, so what if people like to read the same kind of books and like to watch The Big Bang Theory? So do many many other people, including those who you would hate to be around! It scares me to think of how sudden we bond!

dykeumentary
11-09-2012, 11:14 PM
I was just reading the thread in the Femme Zone about flirting in a non-LGBT space, so this topic flowed nicely.

If/when I want to date someone, it usually comes after a few successful flirting experiences. I don't think google has a "flirting" function yet, so that's not where I'd go to get insight on a date. I pursue dates, and name them dates when I ask a woman out. I'm too old and grumpy for long distance or online dating.

I flirt early and often. As a "handy person" I'm hired to go into people's houses (mostly straight women), make them feel comfortable and happy. There's an unfortunate power dynamic, because they "need" my skills and I "need" their payment. So one way to smooth the way through that is for me to flirt with them. It's an old contractor trick, and a stereotype that I suppose I should be embarrassed to embody.

Anyway.

I tend to be interested in women who are passionate about SOMETHING. Our ability to convey our passion in a way that turns the other person on is what makes a date hours long, or 15 minutes long.

Dating is about discovering someone as an independent entity. I want to date someone who will enchant me with tales of what they're reading, doing, competing in, performing and dreaming of. If each of us isn't SuPER interesting when we're single, I don't expect we will be more interesting once in a relationship. And that doesn't bode well...

Its my responsibility to be charming and fascinating and challenging and self-sufficient. That's my recipe for successful dating.

Ginger
11-10-2012, 08:48 AM
I like to have written correspondence with someone for a while before we go on a date. I can miss social cues in person (likewise, I can send them unintentionally), so I like to see the words on the page because I "read" that information best of all.

I'm by nature a friendly, playful person and I've realized that that is sometimes taken as flirting, when I don't intend it. I try to be conscious of that and if it happens repeatedly, I avoid the place where it happened, either online or in person, figuring that it's just not my "scene." When I find a pocket of reality where people really "get" me, I treasure it and return there as much as I can.

I'm not looking for someone to date; I'm still or maybe I should say, re-involved with my girlfriend whose house I just moved out of, but I guess I'd say that when I do flirt, it's through humor. In my family, when people really like each other, they tease and poke fun at each other, not in unkind ways, but in ways that say, "I see you better than anyone else in the world and I'm noticing little things that are unique to you."

That said, I tease any of my friends I really like, and that's not flirting. I went out with my best straight-guy friend last night, and I always tease him a lot and make him laugh at himself. He started doing the same to me, which I never get, and I love. We have a lot of "in" jokes that come from how well we know each other.

That's just friendship, and here's the difference between that and flirting: When I got home, I talked with my girlfriend on the phone, and teased her mercilessly, which was fun. She always knows more than anyone else in the room about any goddamn thing that comes up and I like to cut right through that and point out how cynical and overly serious and sometimes officious she is. It catches her off guard—I don't think it happens much in her life—and she laughs like a little kid. Sometimes there is a daring quality in my tone, as if I'm daring her to defy my "take" on her, and it completely disarms her. There is none of that with the friend I went out with last night, none of that "Bet you can't pin me down" energy.

*Anya*
11-13-2012, 04:47 AM
What are some other ways or methods that you have used to meet potential dates?

What worked?

What didn't and why?

Dude
11-13-2012, 09:03 AM
do not rely on instant messaging if you really want
to get to know someone

stick to emails

or the phone

to avoid misunderstandings

:|
(w)

ScandalAndy
11-13-2012, 09:11 AM
I start conversations. I usually compliment someone and ask a question or two. I like to do this at things like talent shows, open mics, or friends' parties. I feel like it gives you a better chance to talk to someone and have a real conversation.

That being said, I can't say for certain that any of it has worked. I definitely approach people, but I don't think they realize I'm flirting with them.

One time when I was working in the coat check at the bar I was flirting hard with someone. Their friend came to get them and said they were leaving. I was saying goodbye when they leaned through the window and kissed me! They snuck away from their friend a couple hours later at a bar a few blocks away to come back and give me their number. That totally worked for me!




What are some other ways or methods that you have used to meet potential dates?

What worked?

What didn't and why?

Ginger
11-13-2012, 09:31 AM
I would advise that if there's any way possible to meet around a common interest, not sexual preference, that might help.

Rope
11-16-2012, 12:13 AM
When my two butch pals and I were single at the same time we started a social group (and this is not just a plug) called Butch/Femme Socials. The idea was that it's nice to meet online but how about meeting our target dating pool in person. So we opted to create meet ups that weren't just in bars, but around stuff to do: movies, dinners, poker, bowling, formal dances, etc. That way some of the pressure of one on one was taken off. Ten plus years, yeah, we're still going with less frequency to our parties/socials.

Yes, we even started Slut Night as one of our events but that is another story and it was great to hear it went to other butch/femme communities across the country.

I am polyamorous so that colors my dating a little differently. I still feel like Joe Dork Butch when I meet a new person for coffee or drinks. I don't feel like I am interviewing femmes but I do feel they have often had that style of dating. I want to hear what drives them, what was the best vacation they went on and why, I want to know what they're passionate about, I want to know what they've learned about __________fill in the blank with their choice of topic sex, relationships, the world, books, movies, etc.

I don't mind asking people out on dates or having them ask me--I may be butch and a Top but have at it....nothing ventured/nothing gained!

One of the things we learned from doing the Butch/Femme Socials is--having greeters at our events so that everyone was made to feel welcome. It's incredibly brave to walk into a bar or dance and not know anyone and dying to meet so and so across the room. So we do the middle school hook up <g> and make sure people meet each other.

I'll spare you the details of how we got these events off the ground but create an event and they will come has been our experience. Yes, we live in Gay Mecca--San Francisco and there's 500 plus on our mailing list but still, people are still shy. MANY have moved here---why try to lure your potential date to not only a community with few butch/femme let alone Gays, but move to where the fishing is easier.

As to being Googled---um, if you have nothing to hide then who cares and if you want to get your personal info. off there, you can do that too with regular maintenance.

Bad first dates, oh yeah. Great first dates, yeah had those too. Yes, I'd love to put that book together. Some want to be "friends" first, that doesn't work for me--friends are who I watch the game with not make out with. Some don't want to label it a date, well then we might as well be two people baking cookies--it's a date. I can usually tell on the first date whether there's anything I want to pursue, nerves aside, I can tell.

Rope--

Dude
11-16-2012, 09:08 AM
maybe friend means different things to different people?

what I am talking about is someone being
interested in you as a person not just a sex partner

someone who will care about your well being
who is supportive of outside friendships
who has and nurtures their own

someone who cares about your dreams and does not
expect you to give them up for their dreams
someone who knows how to be there in hard times
outside of the bed
who lives their life with integrity
someone who is willing to compromise ,sometimes

someone you can have faith in at all times
and in all circumstances
someone who knows how to play and has a sense of humor

that takes time to learn outside and separate from
the beginning lust stuff

the whole fucking enchilada
that's what I'm talking about
not just a hook up

but "relationship material"

Gráinne
11-16-2012, 09:46 AM
maybe friend means different things to different people?

what I am talking about is someone being
interested in you as a person not just a sex partner

someone who will care about your well being
who is supportive of outside friendships
who has and nurtures their own

someone who cares about your dreams and does not
expect you to give them up for their dreams
someone who knows how to be there in hard times
outside of the bed
who lives their life with integrity
someone who is willing to compromise ,sometimes

someone you can have faith in at all times
and in all circumstances
someone who knows how to play and has a sense of humor

that takes time to learn outside and separate from
the beginning lust stuff

the whole fucking enchilada
that's what I'm talking about
not just a hook up

but "relationship material"

Agree. Don't get me wrong; lust is great ;). A sexual chemistry is what differentiates a potential partner from just a friend. It's important to me that a partner enjoys that erotic connection (with me!)

But I also want someone who will be my buddy. Someone I can lean on and who can come to me as well. Without that friendship, sex becomes just an act.

Ciaran
11-17-2012, 03:02 AM
Having sexual attraction does not mean jumping in bed with her but knowing it has the potential to have it all-love, intimacy, companionship and sex.

I'm no nun. I have jumped. :|




Another one was an ex-nun who shared with me that she had had sex with almost everyone in her order:| and was looking for someone to join her all-ex-nun weekly mass that they held on Sundays. Also out of luck as I am not Catholic.



Um .... looks like some nuns have jumped too :praying:

*Anya*
11-17-2012, 08:46 AM
Funny post Ciaran, made me laugh out loud. Thanks:)

I started this thread for us to share about our dating experiences, to exchange tips and ideas, as well as for support.

This morning, I am also thinking about the not-so-fun side of dating.

There are many reasons why I honestly do not like dating. I look at it as a necessary "evil" ( just coining a phrase here folks-of course it is not evil at all).

Since "the one" is not going to just walk up and knock on our door uninvited, there is time and energy that goes into dating.

My hours at my job are now long. I rarely get a lunchtime (eat @ my desk) and breaks are a thing of my past.

When I get home @ 6 or 7, honestly, I am pretty done in. Chats on the phone in the evening, during the week are difficult for me.

What is really the hardest for me, is letting someone that is, on the face of it, a potentially wonderful partner know that the chemistry is not happening for me.

I find myself in this position with one of the women that I have been dating. We have had 3-4 dates because I wanted to be sure.

I absolutely hate to tell her somehow, someway. I did not want to tell her in a text, email or on the phone. That does not feel right to me. As hard as it is, I need to tell her in person and I am dreading it.

I know it is the right thing to do. Looking into someone's face and telling them, as nicely as I know how, "I am sorry but I don't feel it for you" or " "I don't feel that we/I have sexual chemistry together"?

I frankly could never, ever picture myself having sex with her.

How do I tell her? What do I say? What is the best way to stop dating someone and to preserve their self-esteem at the same time?

I have no idea. I think you can tell how often I have been in this position. I truly can't remember when.

Ideas? Suggestions?

Help!

Chancie
11-17-2012, 09:40 AM
I went on a few first dates with people I met online, mostly through a now defunct dating site.

For me, if I knew after one cup of coffee that I wouldn't want to see my date again,

I told them directly, and

Because I had met them online, and

Because we had only gone out once,

I would send an email.

I would say, You are an awesome person, but

I didn't feel any chemistry between us. <-- Yes, I really did this.

Several dates might require a telephone call, but

Even if one is shy, I think an email is better than nothing.

I enjoyed getting to know you, but I don't think we have much in common, or

I liked meeting you. Maybe our paths will cross again some time.

<-- Is that too vague?

Chancie
11-17-2012, 09:43 AM
Oh, oops, I missed that you want to tell your date in person.

Does a telephone call feel too casual?

I hope it's okay if I say,

Don't wait too long.

:yourdatemightentertainotherideas:

The_Lady_Snow
11-17-2012, 09:45 AM
I once had a date with a sweet sweet woman who brought her Star Wars figurine collection with her to talk about during DINNER.

I have to say I was pretty impressed at the condition of her figurines and BORED.

So I payed for dinner, shook her hand and told her it was great but I wasn't interested.

I like to cut things quickly if nothing is going on, some dating lasted longer but if it was just dating then I made it clear it was simply that dating. I didn't have an expectation that a relationship was going to happen nor did I want them to have that same expectation.



That's why dating *for me* is enjoyable, I can date multiple people, or not and take my time getting to know them.

SleepyButch
11-17-2012, 09:52 AM
Funny post Ciaran, made me laugh out loud. Thanks:)

I started this thread for us to share about our dating experiences, to exchange tips and ideas, as well as for support.

This morning, I am also thinking about the not-so-fun side of dating.

There are many reasons why I honestly do not like dating. I look at it as a necessary "evil" ( just coining a phrase here folks-of course it is not evil at all).

Since "the one" is not going to just walk up and knock on our door uninvited, there is time and energy that goes into dating.

My hours at my job are now long. I rarely get a lunchtime (eat @ my desk) and breaks are a thing of my past.

When I get home @ 6 or 7, honestly, I am pretty done in. Chats on the phone in the evening, during the week are difficult for me.

What is really the hardest for me, is letting someone that is, on the face of it, a potentially wonderful partner know that the chemistry is not happening for me.

I find myself in this position with one of the women that I have been dating. We have had 3-4 dates because I wanted to be sure.

I absolutely hate to tell her somehow, someway. I did not want to tell her in a text, email or on the phone. That does not feel right to me. As hard as it is, I need to tell her in person and I am dreading it.

I know it is the right thing to do. Looking into someone's face and telling them, as nicely as I know how, "I am sorry but I don't feel it for you" or " "I don't feel that we/I have sexual chemistry together"?

I frankly could never, ever picture myself having sex with her.

How do I tell her? What do I say? What is the best way to stop dating someone and to preserve their self-esteem at the same time?

I have no idea. I think you can tell how often I have been in this position. I truly can't remember when.

Ideas? Suggestions?

Help!


The only thing I can say is that honesty really is the best way to go about anything even if it may hurt a bit. It's just finding the right way to do it. You could always just tell her that you really enjoy her company, assuming that you do, but that you think you are better off being ... (yes here comes that dreaded word that people who are dating hate to hear)... friends. You don't really have to say that you are not physically attracted to her unless she asks you why???

Or while you are out.. you could say.. hey.. I really cherish you as my friend.. ty for that.. or you are a really good friend to me.. something like that...lol.

Or I really enjoy your friendship, let's not ruin what we have by making this about sex.

Really, who am I to give anyone advice. Being an introvert myself, I am not very good at any of this.

I guess if I was dating someone and they were not physically attracted to me, I would want to know as soon as possible so that I would not bring any further romantic feelings into what we had. Just tell me... but don't say.. hey you are butt ugly (I know it's not always about looks) and you just don't do it for me. Say.. hey Sleepy... I really like you as my friend and I would like to continue growing just a friendship with you if you are okay with that.

Just a few thoughts anyway..

*Anya*
11-17-2012, 10:03 AM
I think that maybe I went out with her a few too many times.

I have had coffee with several that it was easy to just say thanks but no thanks.

I also really wish that I felt "that way" about her.

She is stable, solid, mature, retired, financially well-off, funny and a very sweet butch.

Oh and she really likes me.

I guess I think that I should feel that way about her.

Damn.

SleepyButch
11-17-2012, 10:09 AM
I think that maybe I went out with her a few too many times.

I have had coffee with several that it was easy to just say thanks but no thanks.

I also really wish that I felt "that way" about her.

She is stable, solid, mature, retired, financially well-off, funny and a very sweet butch.

Oh and she really likes me.

I guess I think that I should feel that way about her.

Damn.


Once upon a time... way back in the day... I was attracted to one girl and another girl was attracted to me so I didn't really give her the chance.. at first. The one girl that I was attracted to told me that I can choose who I love.. and after that.. I started dating the person who liked me... eventually fell in love with her and we were together for several years. I was not attracted to her at first but that came with a little time.

I am not saying that this will happen for you. If it's not there.. if there are no sparks.... let go... if her resume is that good.. she will find someone else who will be attracted to her as will you.

Miss Scarlett
11-17-2012, 10:30 AM
There's nothing wrong with being friends first. I know of several couples who were friends for years before they began their respective relationships. And there's nothing wrong with a dating relationship becoming just friends. It depends on the people involved. You have to do what you're comfortable with...what works for you.

Then again, stepping outside your comfort zone and taking a chance could lead to something very special.

Ginger
11-17-2012, 10:45 AM
I agree with Sleepy about all this, and I understand Anya's dilemma. She wants to do the right thing, to be honest, but she is also sensitive to another person's feelings. Sometimes there is no way to do both, be honest and be protective of another person. Sleepy gave some strategies for doing both—don't give certain information unless asked.

All good.

Anya, maybe it's not about the other person, the seemingly "perfect" butch you're just not into that much. Maybe it's about you, that you're not ready, to put it in a tired cliche. That you're still processing your last breakup.

Or maybe, there's something you want, something you haven't articulated to yourself and therefore can't apply to your puzzling non-attraction to the person you're describing.

And in my opinion, you don't have to articulate it. You'll know it when you see it. (Though it's a comment on your own integrity, that you want to analyze it.)

In the meantime, this person is apparently going along with your less-than-smitten response to her, for whatever reason. Maybe she doesn't see it (which says something about how well she sees You). Maybe she doesn't want to see it (which says something about her powers of denial). Maybe she isn't is taken with you as she wants you to think she is.

Lots of maybes, and maybe they don't matter.

If you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it. Enough said.

When you do feel it, you'll know it. And it'll be great! You seem so level headed, so insightful, so honorable, so cute. The world is big.

Gráinne
11-17-2012, 10:46 AM
That's the maddening thing about dating-if you feel "no chemistry", how much time do you give it to develop? And why can't we always feel it for someone who's perfect on paper? And when chemistry is off the charts, how do you maintain balance to really make sure of compatibility outside the bedroom?

macele
11-17-2012, 02:22 PM
sometimes two people want the same thing, or agree to the same thing, ... companionship. surely helps with loneliness. we all want to be in love, ... to have that i can't live without you feeling, madly deeply. but a companion can make a world of difference when living life. who knows, being in a healthy relationship with someone that is no more than companionship, ... may lead me to madly deeply with another person (or the same). being healthy in mind and spirit will lead to healthy in mind and spirit people.

this letter to george putnam from emelia earhart is about companionship, to me. it's sad, in a way. but i love the honesty. being mature adults, honesty, ... can lead to happiness.


p.s. a little rambling. who the hell says you've got to get "married" or live together. it's not required to be in love, or whatever each individual calls it.



http://earchives.lib.purdue.edu/cdm4/item_viewer.php?CISOROOT=%2Fearhart&CISOPTR=2988&DMSCALE=25&DMWIDTH=600&DMHEIGHT=600&DMMODE=viewer&DMFULL=0&DMX=19&DMY=19&DMTEXT=&DMTHUMB=1&REC=2&DMROTATE=0&x=154&y=528



http://earchives.lib.purdue.edu/cgi-bin/getimage.exe?CISOROOT=/earhart&CISOPTR=2988&DMSCALE=25.00000&DMWIDTH=600&DMHEIGHT=600&DMX=0&DMY=221&DMTEXT=&REC=2&DMTHUMB=1&DMROTATE=0

SleepyButch
11-17-2012, 02:52 PM
So I am back to give some dating advice... take it for what it's worth.

I think one of the biggest things you can do when dating is to pay attention. Listen to the other person and hear what they are saying. Watch their body language.

I think if you pay attention to the little things that she says it can get you some brownie points. So what I mean by this is if you are on a date and she is talking about her likes, dislikes, childhood, etc... if you are truly interested in her, remember some of those things. Later, if you want to get her a gift or do something special for her, use that information that she gave you... like her favorite color... her favorite food... maybe a memory froma her childhood that she cherishes.

Give her flowers (provided you have already found out she likes flowers) in her favorite color, cook her favorite meal, or give her a box of chocolates on a date because one time she mentioned she likes godiva.

Another thing that I find important is to ask about some things before doing. Not everyone wants you to order for them after they have decided what they want to eat. Not everyone wants to be kissed on the first date.

I've been online dating for the last decade or so. It's hard to go on dates with someone who is far away. Sure you can meet on Skype and have a date that way or have a phone date, but it's not the same. When you finally do get together, I think it's important to go on an actual date. I forget this part of it. We meet for a weekend or several days and I don't ask you on date. I just realized this because of this thread. Sure I take her out to eat or dancing but I never say hey.. let's make this a date. I am going to try to make a conscious effort to change that.


That's it for now...

ruthie14
11-17-2012, 05:15 PM
Love this thread! It's great hearing different viewpoints and stories... love the stories!

Want to just put out there, that dykeumentary is an awesome butch! A very good friend and would make anyone a wonderful partner! (love you my friend... had to put a plug in for ya!)

I have say, I have been dating for a while. I don't date right away..most of the time. I try not to jump to the gf thing too quickly. I have been burnt too many times going to quickly and taking that leap because I thought I knew them from phone/email etc. I like to do the coffee thing, get to know a person as a friend first. Even a group event is good for the second or third meeting... I can see how someone acts with other people. Sometimes that can be a good indicator of how they are. I do tend to email a lot first when I meet someone online. I can usually pick out the people who are a little, well, not safe for me in one way or another. People tend to show their true colors after a few conversations. Certainly not all, but too many red flags and I know I need to stay away to stay safe or that they just plain aren't for me. If I am on the fence, yes I will google someone. I don't pry into their taxes or whatever, just to see if they are who they say they are. I have also made many nice friends...more friends than anything... through the dating sites. I have no regrets about that! You can always use a friend!!

Ruthie's do's and don'ts

I don't sleep with someone until I am in a relationship with them. (No judgement on anyone else, not a moral thing, just a way to keep myself from mixing up lust and love...which I have done and regretted. )

I don't date until I know we have "something" to work with. Sparks, a pull, something.

I don't date someone who lives too far away.

I don't date someone who is always unemployed with no prospects. ( I don't care where you work, as long as you work or you are going to school to prepare for work. Maybe that sounds cruel in this economy.. but I don't mean those who are out of work for good reasons, just those who don't want to work.)

I don't date anyone who wants me to support and/take care of them. If we are a couple and something bad happens, I will be with you... but I have had the experience more than once, of someone just looking for someone to take care of them or rescue them from their situation. That is not love to me.

I do treat people with respect.

I am open about myself, ask anything.

I do treat my date like I would want to be treated.

I do listen... closely.

I do want the same in return.

I do like to have my door opened for me, a hand at the small of my back, help with my coat... Love being the femme.. love being on the arm of a butch!

I AM totally honest about what I think is important! Always upfront about the sex thing. Always up front that my mother and I share a home. (Isn't that what you are SUPPOSE to do when your mother gets to a certain age?)

If all this doesn't appeal to someone else... that's fine, I don't take it personally.. everyone is different. Everyone has had time to figure out what they do and don't want in dating and in a relationship. I respect other's desires for their lives and if we don't match, so be it. NOT a problem and I won't hold it against you if we don't. I only ask that someone be honest with me when we don't match up instead of keeping me "on the hook" in case I change my mind or someone better doesn't come along.

Enough for now.... boy this got long! lol I will share some good and bad dates on some other day.

Ruthie:blueheels:

dykeumentary
11-17-2012, 05:41 PM
*im blushing*
Like ScandalAndy said (I think) - the Philly/South Jersey area is a little difficult for b/f dating.
And ATTENTION All Butches: Ruthie14 is a CATCH. I'd date her myself, but she might be my cousin.... South Jersey is a small town...

WolfyOne
11-17-2012, 05:47 PM
I haven't dated in such a long time, it scares the hell out of me.

If anyone wonders why I never ask someone out, it's because the words won't always roll off my tongue like they do for me on paper.

Besides with my hearing, I don't want someone to keep repeating themselves for me if they can't understand when I ask them to speak slow and annunciate because of it. It could make for a horrid date.

ruthie14
11-17-2012, 05:59 PM
*im blushing*
Like ScandalAndy said (I think) - the Philly/South Jersey area is a little difficult for b/f dating.
And ATTENTION All Butches: Ruthie14 is a CATCH. I'd date her myself, but she might be my cousin.... South Jersey is a small town...

It is true.. this is a hard place for b/f dating. I have tried to get something going in our area together a few time, doesn't seem to be many around who are interested in gathering as b/f. I have been told by more than 1 person that I need to give up on that "whole butch femme thing" or I won't get a date. Really? Not gonna happen.

Yes my friend, we are probably cousins, We are both Irish and grew up a few miles from each other. Chances are higher than normal. lolololol

Gemme
11-17-2012, 11:34 PM
Anya, how about this:

Butch, I'm so glad that we've had this time to get to know one another. I've really enjoyed your company! I have a friend that I think would be PERFECT for you!

:admin:

No?

Well, it would require you to actually have a friend that the butch might get along with.

Hmmm...

:thinking:

*Anya*
11-18-2012, 12:01 AM
Honesty is the best policy!

We had a long chat over dinner.

I explained that I was not feeling it and did not know if it ever would happen for me.

She said that my honesty was refreshing (!) and asked me why didn't we just have some fun together as friends.

We did a pinkie swear (laughing like fools and yes, it was my idea) that if either of us decided it really wasn't fun, we would just move on.

I can live with that.

It was majorly helpful to read all the feedback and perspectives today.

Thank you.

Greco
11-18-2012, 11:15 AM
Anya,

I must say this again and publicly...Your Integrity is priceless. My respect for you has deepened, and I hold you in the highest esteem. Too much you say...not at all, in today's world of superficiality in relating, someone with integrity, self-respect, and respect for another should be honored...and so I do.

You could have found some other way to not face her, but you showed up, faced her and shared your feelings...now you may indeed have a true friend in her, as you certainly do in me. In my culture, "showing your face", sounds better in Spanish, shows the person's integrity, dignity, and courage...you, my friend have shown all three.

I am honored to call you my Femme Friend, Greco






Honesty is the best policy!

We had a long chat over dinner.

I explained that I was not feeling it and did not know if it ever would happen for me.

She said that my honesty was refreshing (!) and asked me why didn't we just have some fun together as friends.

We did a pinkie swear (laughing like fools and yes, it was my idea) that if either of us decided it really wasn't fun, we would just move on.

I can live with that.

It was majorly helpful to read all the feedback and perspectives today.

Thank you.

ScandalAndy
11-19-2012, 06:59 AM
I think that maybe I went out with her a few too many times.

I have had coffee with several that it was easy to just say thanks but no thanks.

I also really wish that I felt "that way" about her.

She is stable, solid, mature, retired, financially well-off, funny and a very sweet butch.

Oh and she really likes me.

I guess I think that I should feel that way about her.

Damn.

THIS. This right here is my biggest stumbling block. I feel almost guilty for not having feelings for a person who is stable and interested in me. I really WANT to like them, but it's just. not. there.

On the opposite end of this, I've had people tell me they're just not interested in anything other than friendship with me. A couple times it has come as a HUGE blow, but I was grateful for the honesty. I mean, how much time in my past have I spent pining over someone who had no interest but also wasn't brave enough to tell me? Too much. I get that it takes courage to face someone and tell them you aren't into them like that, but there's no reason it has to be a prolonged suffering on both parties' parts.



*im blushing*
Like ScandalAndy said (I think) - the Philly/South Jersey area is a little difficult for b/f dating.
And ATTENTION All Butches: Ruthie14 is a CATCH. I'd date her myself, but she might be my cousin.... South Jersey is a small town...


YESSSSSSS, it's like b/f is super passe here so you have to seek out folks you get "the vibe" from. I was at a friendsgiving last night and I think I saw two! But they're in a relationship with each other. Either way, I made some super awesome new friends. :)

~ocean
11-19-2012, 07:28 AM
I am no expert on an inlone hook up , i just think if u get to know the person and chat socially, then w/ time u get to know eachother personaly, and take your time to meeting oneanother , the desire becomes overwhelming ~ Like the ole song goes "Take Time To Know Her" it's not an overnight thing ~

Ginger
11-19-2012, 01:01 PM
That's the maddening thing about dating-if you feel "no chemistry", how much time do you give it to develop?

If I feel no chemistry, I'm honest about that, and make it clear that if that person and I keep seeing each other, it won't be romantically. The few times this has happened, the other person was cool with it but didn't want to hang around as a friend. Most of us have plenty of friends or don't have time for the few that we have—so, we use our limited free time and energy carefully. I understand that. That said, I know that I've been surprised to realize I'd developed romantic feelings for a friend, once we'd spent a lot of time together, even over a period of years. Sorry, I'm contradicting myself but both realities exist.

And why can't we always feel it for someone who's perfect on paper?

IMO, because the paper version is just the little sliver of a person he or she wants us to see. In person you see the person's spontaneous reactions to the world, you see how they move, how they sound—all the things they can't control or heighten or whatever, in their presentation to you.

And when chemistry is off the charts, how do you maintain balance to really make sure of compatibility outside the bedroom?

Again, just in IMO—you do all the things that maintain a healthy relationship, focus on communication, etc.—but you know this too, I think.

What I'm hearing between the lines of your questions is exasperation. Quite understandable exasperation. If only the words on a screen were reliable in telling us who a person is and how it will feel to be in their physical presence and how their responses to us will feel to us.







(My responses in purple)

Rope
11-19-2012, 02:06 PM
Okay this sounds corny, but treat people as you'd like to be treated. So if you'd like to hear it's not a happening thing sooner rather than later, then chances are so would they.

If you wind up going out a little longer than you should have (not always obvious right away), then cut your loses and say goodbye. The longer you linger, or do not tell them it's not happening for you, the longer you're not out there finding the one that is for you.

Chemistry--I don't think chemistry is necessarily there or not right away. I think attraction is or is not there. That is not to say we should act on attraction UNLESS both parties get, that's what they're doing.

Lesbians are horrid at dating---they don't know that the word means 'trying each other on for size'. That said, you may be dating others, and that does not mean you have to choose unless one of those you're dating doesn't understand that dating is not a monogamous venture. I may be making choices in my head but I don't necessarily share them out with those that I am dating.

I say this and not just because I am a person pursuing those interested in polyamorous relationships but rather because it's a part of the U-Haul mentality--SOME can feel you don't really care unless it's exclusive dating, next thing you know, blam you're moving in and you didn't mean to be. Phrases like, 'I couldn't stand it if someone else shared your bed', or 'you'll need to make a choice before this relationship can move forward' are manipulative and people may not even know that's what they're doing---but innocent manipulation is nonetheless, that.

If one of you doesn't make the move--i.e., let's kiss, hold hands, have sex, go our separate ways--then you might as well be best high school girlfriends making cookies on a Friday night. If you're not the aggressor, but you're wishing someone would make a move, then tag, it's probably you that should be 'it'.

Rope--

~ocean
11-19-2012, 02:36 PM
Although i do agree w. certain parts of ur post Rope.. I deff do not agree w. holding back ur opinions on who u r dating. I always belive in open communication , being said, I would accept all decisions made by the person I would be dating ~~ Yes gay woman do have a tendency to move to fast ~ usualy in their younger years. Fortunetly at my age I know what I feel and I do expect that from someone else my agedoes as well. This part is geared to internet dating ( the new world of dating) people should take time to wacth someone of interest, get to know them , leading w. ur mind & soul and not your LOINS. Some ppl have long history of jumping from one person to another and keeping a few in the backround to fall back on ~~ RED FLAG ~~ the honest communication , and attraction with an abundant of desire for this person you have taken the time to know is healthy. When u hold back what you are thinking about this person u have intensions with is a ~~ RED FLAG ~~ Bottom line; enjoy dating ~~ be patient , honest , voucher w. integrity and listen. Let the art of seduction continue ~~

Sachita
11-19-2012, 02:45 PM
First of all I don't Google anyone. I may do a background check if they get to the point of moving in.

I need lots of time to know someone. I don't ever just hop in bed with anyone no matter how turned on I am. I'm not saying I never have, I have a few times but most of the time I take a long time getting to know someone. I must like you and enjoy spending time around you.

I like to date. I enjoy cooking us dinner, having you serve me (lol) going to walks, a bit of flirting and maybe some slow dancing. I like to let things simmer for a long long time.

I want to fall in love with my best friend.

macele
11-19-2012, 03:13 PM
Okay this sounds corny, but treat people as you'd like to be treated. --Rope

the golden rule! works every time.


lesbians are no worse at dating than anyone else lol. i've never done the uhaul thing, and i think i make a rather good date, being lesbian and all. just thought i'd put that out there.