For those who self-injurer

[Andrew, Jr.]

This thread is for those who self injure by breaking bones, cutting, skin picking, burning, and so on.

Namaste,
Andrew

[HeartBreak Kid]

Thanx for starting this thread Andrew....Although not usually a very Busy thread, I think it is always a Vital one to have. The wonderful thing about BFP is its diverse inhabitants, and having places set aside just for healing.
That being said....I am a cutter...I cut on my legs, shoulders, thighs, wrists, and most prevelantly on my left arm...When questioned by people about it growing up I often told people "when you cant hold any more pain or ugliness inside of you, the scars begin to manifest on your outsides...
Why do I/did I cut? many reasons, and sometimes for no reason at all...As I am getting older I am starting to think part of it was control..having something that was all mine (my body) and being able to do ANYthing I wanted to it....

[Andrew, Jr.]

I have two friends of mine who cut. The anxiety they have inside just blows me away. I have never experienced something like what they do. They even have ritual boxes with fresh razor blades, and bandages. It never crossed my mind in a million years.

I have a sense of the pain they feel internally, and it is heartbreaking.

I cannot promise safety - ppl turn on each other here at the drop of a dime. It happens on all sites. I am not one who runs this site, and have no authority in how it's run. I leave that up to Jack and Medusa. I am not computer savvy at all. I leave all of that up to Jack and Medusa. They are the bomb!

[LadyRain]

a friend just told me that she cuts. I was like a deer caught in the headlights when she told me. At first (being honest) I wanted to scream at her....WHAT THE HELLLL. I did not though. I sat and listened to her. This scared me cause at first i thought it was a suicidal thing....now i know better. I want to help her but no idea what to do. I am open to her, i mean she can come to me with anything.Maybe listening is the best thing a friend can do....RAIN:rainsing:

[Andrew, Jr.]

Listening is the best thing hands down.

[Leigh]

Hi everyone,

First of all, I would definately like to thank My friend Andrew for making this place for us to come and talk about our feelings and why some of us do the things that we do. It is also a good place for people who are friends of self-injurers to come in for support from people who have been there as well as those who love someone in this position.

I come from both sides of the fence, caring about someone who self-injures as well as being (in My on right) a self-injurer as well. I don't cut or burn, but I do alot of skin picking as well as severe nail biting (often to the point of bleeding). Much of this comes as a way of not being able to express the anxiety that I am feeling on the inside, thus is comes out as an injury to Myself to say to people "hello, I'm hurting!".

We can't always verbalize what we are feeling internally, and often it stems from many things (abuse, confinement, teasing/bullying, etc). Each of us has our own reasons for doing what we do, whatever kind of self-injuring that may be, and it affects all aspects of our lives. Speaking only for Myself, I suffer from severe panic/anxiety attacks and often I cannot for the life of Me talk to anyone about what I am feeling because I just have never really been able to properly verbalize Myself in words (unless its on paper). I've also gotten to the point where I will freeze up so bad inside if I have to share My feelings that internally it feels like I'm about to explode.

When I get to feeling this way, which is much more often now than it used to be, I will get into a headspace where I can't think of anything else but showing what I am feeling inside on the outside. I'll pick at pimples until the bleed, chew on My nails or the skin around My fingers until they either bleed or are very raw and sore, and will even take small scratches on My breasts and tear at the scabs bad enough that they go from little specs to big circles that I can't help but play with. Its not something that I am proud of, and revealing this anywhere is a big step for Me ........ I feel comfortable enough with My friends here, moreso than 3/4 of My own family members, to reveal these secrets of Mine (hopefully to help others to understand this subject abit more) which just felt natural to Me.

Andrew - Its true that when you have never experienced something like that and you find someone who has, it can completely blow someone's mind as to how a person can do something like this to themselves. Its not easy, believe Me its hell on wheels, but most times this is the only way that a person can tell someone that they are hurting when they can't verbalize those internal feelings.

Rain - I can understand how you must have thought that your friend's self injuring may have been a suicidal thing, its not uncommon for self-harming to be viewed as a way to commit suicide. I never used to do alot of what I do, or atleast not to this extent, and never truly 100% understood it until I met someone very special to Me. He is in his late 30's and has been self-injuring since he was very young; he burns and cuts and before him I had never met anyone before that I truly knew self-injured. He has been through complete hell in his life and when he cannot talk to someone about how he is feeling, it manifests into a cut of a burn (thank goodness he hasn't burned in a long time though he still cuts). In his situation (only speaking for him), he has other things to deal with as well (schizophrenia/depression/bipolar) so it all wraps up into one with his self-harming. He has often gone to the ER with injuries due to self-harming, and the first thing he is always asked is if he feels suicidal (as if its somehow tied to self-harming). Its not that way at all, and he has personally told Me that honestly if he wanted to commit suicide, he could do it but do it properly and not just hurt himself ............

The absolute best thing that you can do for your friend is to be her friend, listen to her when she needs a shoulder to lean on and just be there for her as you always have been. I also would recommend going to the library or a bookstore to see if you can find books on the subject and read about it - educating yourself on the subject will also to help you to know how to better handle your friend's situation (especially if ever your there with her when it happens). I have read one book in particular that helped Me to much better understand what My friend was going through, plus a second one that he has in which I hope to borrow one time to read:

1) Cutting: Understanding and Overcoming Self-Mutilation by Steven Levenkron (can be found on amazon.com) - this is the one I've read and I **highly** recommend it

2) A Bright Red Scream: Self-Mutilation and The Language of Pain by Marilee Strong (also found on amazon.com) - this is the one I wanna borrow and read one day

Other then that I think that this thread is fantastic for all of us, whether we injure or know someone who does, to come together and have a safe space to talk and bond over a very touchy subject. I'm glad we have this space, as its important for all of us to have a place to come and be able to open up without being scolded for speaking from the heart ........... I'm glad this thread was created, thank you again Andrew for making it :thumbsup:

[Andrew, Jr.]

A lot of people hide in their pain. It is a fractured sense of one's soul. Some people take another's pain and find joy in that. Twisted, yes. My father did that with my family.

Just remember nobody is an island.

[LadyRain]

My gf is a Dr. She also teachs abnormal psyc. I was able to talk to her about this. She was wonderful and said that i did do the right thing. I gotta say that this is hard for me, cause I am a "fixer"........ugh........RAIN :rainsing:

[Andrew, Jr.]

There is a website, and psa's on TV that was started by Ron Howard and starring Glenn Close. It is about ending the negative stigma about those who have a mental illness. Bringchange2mind.org is it. Some may have already seen the psa's on TV already. I support anyone who will help anyone heal. If it's one person, 10 people, or a million. It is all about education. My hat is off to those who got the ball rolling on this. Go look it up for yourself. Tell me what you think.

Andrew

[The_Lady_Snow]

I did it, I have the scars...

Then I found my Sir....

Never did it again.......

[Andrew, Jr.]

The Lady Snow,

How did you stop? So many struggle with stopping.

Thank you for sharing this part of youself here.

Love,
Andrew

[The_Lady_Snow]

The Lady Snow,

How did you stop? So many struggle with stopping.

Thank you for sharing this part of youself here.

Love,
Andrew


I was young, he was my Sir, I was his, I had no choice..

Funny what a single tail can cure;)

[SweetChrissy]

Thank you Andrew for making this thread. I used to be a cutter and i would cut my inner thigh because i figured no one would see it there. I would cut to be able to feel again. Lucky enough I have been taking meds for my bipolar type 1 which was causing my cutting in my opinion and I have cut in almost a year. Its not easy beacuse I still get the urge every now and then but its easier to not want to do it. So I wonder sometimes do you ever really get over it and is it like being an achololic once your one, you are always one? I know for some people its not easy to talk about their pain or their feelings of whats going on. I used to be one of those people that kept it all to myself and I am just starting to open up and be able to talk about how I feel to those that will listen. I am really glad this thread is here because maybe when someone gets that feeling of saddness or numbness in my case we can come here to those that understand and be able to tell them and maybe get some support to not cut or hurt ourselves

[Andrew, Jr.]

The Lady Snow,

That was so well stated. I am so happy for you!

SweetChrissy,

I cannot guarantee anything. Just know that there are supportive souls here.

Andrew

[SweetChrissy]

Andrew anything is possible right?

[Andrew, Jr.]

Yes.:footballpass:

[alex k]

I've cut since i was about fourteen. Always when the anger and pain and frustration inside me got too much to cope with and i had to lash out somehow and it was easier to cut myself than hurt someone else. Last year i scared myself tho when a cut went way too deep and i ended up with stitches then a daily dressing change for weeks. My greatest help for the last few years has been having a partner who doesn't judge doesn't moan at me but is always there with dressings cream and love. And to be honest i went to the doctor in september to discuss the possibility of me having G.I.D. SInce then, now its all out in the open and hopefully something is going to happen, although I've been low and been angry I've managed to control the need to cut. If only I'd done something about this twenty years ago i could have saved myself a lot of scars

[owen4u1904]

Is anyone a trichster or was a person who had trichotillomania?

[Andrew, Jr.]

Yes. I have a very close friend of mine who is a recovering trich. She is still going to therapy for this. I really admire her. :bunchflowers:

[Jeep]

Thank you for starting this post. It's nice to know I'm not the only one on BFP dealing with this.

[Andrew, Jr.]

I really am in the dark when it comes to this disease. The only way I find anything out is by our talks online here, looking up key words on the internet, and spending time with my friend.

She is in her 50's, and has a number of children. She was chem. dependent, and went thru therapy at a psychiatric hospital, and still is seeing a psychiatrist three times a week. Her husband, children, family & friends support her. It really has been a blessing for her. This cannot be done alone.

I hope everyone is doing ok with the snow. Stay warm & dry! :anothersnowman:
Andrew
:cigar:

[Apocalipstic]

When I am extremely stressed I pull my eyelashes out, and sometimes I hit myself in the head.

Yeay.

[Strappie]

I was good friends with a girl in high school who was a cutter... I wish there was something I could have done to help her. I felt helpless, she wouldn't talk about it much if hardly at all. I even went to the school counselor to ask for advise in how to understand it and maybe some how help her. I didn't know anything about it, I was so amazed that someone could do such a thing. I mean I came from a very small town. It was 27 yrs ago and I graduated with 38 people so it was a very small community that was very should I say closed minded or was it just because people just went along with other people. I see her now and I know she is thankful for me being there for her, I still wonder how she is doing with it all? I wonder if she is thinking if I will ever ask her about it? Is it something I should be asking about?

I pray for all that suffer from this!!

[Ms. Meander]

"On my once smooth skin lies a map of pain and fear..." - so goes the opening line of an angsty poem I wrote many years ago.

I used to cut and have since healed the internal wounds that caused me to injure myself on the outside. I will always be a work in progress but I am proud of myself today and like who I see in the mirror. It IS possible to heal, grow, and change. The keys for me have always been to retain at least some small measure of hope, and to be willing to keep picking myself up again and again, however many times necessary. There ARE amazing rewards and it is worth the blood, sweat, and tears.

There is an organization called 'To Write Love On Her Arms' that inspired a pic I posted in the gallery. See photo info. for a link to the site.

[PearlsNLace]

As a young kid I use to pull out large chunks of my hair out. In retrospect, I understand I was seriously needing some kind of release, I was literally pulling my hair out from serious stress.

Its never been an issue as an adult.

[Jeep]

Since I'm in my tired-half-drunk-can't-fall-asleep mode I figured I'd spill it.. Been cutting for a little over 9 years, and recently discovered the burning aspect of SI.
I've been single for 4 1/2 years since the last person I dated was apalled when she saw me in a tank top. Both of my arms and most of my chest are covered in solid scar tissue and I have some nasty ones on both thighs.
Sometimes I get so angry and/or hurt I just cant keep it inside anymore and I have to let it out somehow.
Since my friends are all the type of people who believe you can make your liife all sunshine and rainbows just by thinking about it, I can't turn to them. I once called my closest friend to try to talk to her and she just laughed.
I hate being around people because all the places I go, I'm the only one who's single. And sincce I'm not very good at making friends I tend to hang around the ones I do have. Besides, having 3 jobs is not conducive to an active social life.
I cannot say no to people. I already had 2 jobs and I agreed to a 3rd because I felt like I owed it to my neighbor. He has been very kind and gone out of his way for me in the past, so I agreed to drive his wife to the Dr. every day. My other jobs the hours are flexible but I am not accomplishing as much as I was because I can't be there as long as I was before I had to take her.

I'm terribly sorry. I've started rambling.. I think I'm gonna go look at the stars for a while and quit buggin ya'll.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Jeep, :waterski:

First, thanks for sharing your story with us. :artist: This place is safe.

Second, you are very brave to do that. God bless you. :harley:

Lastly, no worries about venting. It is a means of support here. Not a soul is going to belittle you. What you speak of so many are struggling with. We are here to support you as best we can. I know I will be praying for you. :praying:

Namaste dear brother,
Andrew

:LGBTQFlag:

[Liquefaction]

Jeep... I understand the need to keep to yourself. I just lost a very dear friendship because of my cutting.

Just know that there are people out here that understand.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Unfortunately, there are wolves among the sheep and lambs. My hat is off to each and every one of you. You are brave and have courage that goes beyond what most pleople, including myself here as well, can even imagine. You are good souls. :gimmehug:

Love,
Andrew

:coffee: :pipe: :scarytv:

[Leigh]

I've cut since i was about fourteen. Always when the anger and pain and frustration inside me got too much to cope with and i had to lash out somehow and it was easier to cut myself than hurt someone else. Last year i scared myself tho when a cut went way too deep and i ended up with stitches then a daily dressing change for weeks. My greatest help for the last few years has been having a partner who doesn't judge doesn't moan at me but is always there with dressings cream and love. And to be honest i went to the doctor in september to discuss the possibility of me having G.I.D. SInce then, now its all out in the open and hopefully something is going to happen, although I've been low and been angry I've managed to control the need to cut. If only I'd done something about this twenty years ago i could have saved myself a lot of scars

Your certainly not alone alex, and I am very glad that you posted here with us :thumbsup:

When I am extremely stressed I pull my eyelashes out, and sometimes I hit myself in the head.

Yeay.

I've done the pulling out of My eyelashes many times too, so I know exactly how that can be hun but your not alone *hugs*

"On my once smooth skin lies a map of pain and fear..." - so goes the opening line of an angsty poem I wrote many years ago.

I used to cut and have since healed the internal wounds that caused me to injure myself on the outside. I will always be a work in progress but I am proud of myself today and like who I see in the mirror. It IS possible to heal, grow, and change. The keys for me have always been to retain at least some small measure of hope, and to be willing to keep picking myself up again and again, however many times necessary. There ARE amazing rewards and it is worth the blood, sweat, and tears.

There is an organization called 'To Write Love On Her Arms' that inspired a pic I posted in the gallery. See photo info. for a link to the site.

Thank you for posting this for us Ms. Meander. It takes alot of courage, strength and determination to stop cutting especially when it seems like there is no hope. Your post is inspiring and gives the rest of us hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel :rose:

Since I'm in my tired-half-drunk-can't-fall-asleep mode I figured I'd spill it.. Been cutting for a little over 9 years, and recently discovered the burning aspect of SI.
I've been single for 4 1/2 years since the last person I dated was apalled when she saw me in a tank top. Both of my arms and most of my chest are covered in solid scar tissue and I have some nasty ones on both thighs.
Sometimes I get so angry and/or hurt I just cant keep it inside anymore and I have to let it out somehow.
Since my friends are all the type of people who believe you can make your liife all sunshine and rainbows just by thinking about it, I can't turn to them. I once called my closest friend to try to talk to her and she just laughed.
I hate being around people because all the places I go, I'm the only one who's single. And sincce I'm not very good at making friends I tend to hang around the ones I do have. Besides, having 3 jobs is not conducive to an active social life.
I cannot say no to people. I already had 2 jobs and I agreed to a 3rd because I felt like I owed it to my neighbor. He has been very kind and gone out of his way for me in the past, so I agreed to drive his wife to the Dr. every day. My other jobs the hours are flexible but I am not accomplishing as much as I was because I can't be there as long as I was before I had to take her.

I'm terribly sorry. I've started rambling.. I think I'm gonna go look at the stars for a while and quit buggin ya'll.

You could never bug us Jeep; this thread is meant for everyone who self-injures, and plus rambling (or ranting) is good for us ........... come back anytime :)

Jeep... I understand the need to keep to yourself. I just lost a very dear friendship because of my cutting.

Just know that there are people out here that understand.

It sucks that you lost your friend Lique, but that just means that another friend is around the corner waiting for you :rose:

[Liquefaction]

Thanks Braedon! Even though I miss the friendship I know my "Truth" is just too much for some and that's OK. I love them just the same....from a distance!

[Leigh]

You have new friends here Lique, and we understand what your going through

[Andrew, Jr.]

I am going to see my friend at my nieces shower next week (as long as it doesn't snow). It will be interesting to see how far along she has come with her disease. I have to say I am a bit nervous. I am not sure of what to say, but will try to make an effort.

[Apocalipstic]

How crazy is it that until the past few months, I had no idea that pulling my eyelashes out or hitting myself in the head was bad.

When I was a kid, I used to shock myself on purpose and I do get that electric shock can be bad, but it actually never occurred to me that pulling out my eyelashes meant something....that slamming the phone into my head over and over might hurt me. Or that rocking and hitting my head on the wall over and over might mean I had something going on.

I never told any of my therapists or psychiatrists until I started Brain Spotting Therapy maybe 3 months ago, now it seems more clear.

Best to all of you!

I wish for each of you friends who stand by you no matter what! I have to say that I am very very lucky in that regard. No, I have not told them all, but those who do know seem supportive and those who don't are aware that I have meltdowns and disappear from time to time. Those who do not understand, I don't hang with any more.

[Dragonfly]

I want to open up and share my experiences here. I know its hard enough to finally publically post myself in solidarity. I just want to stop being afraid of being shunned again.

The worst thing about being "caught" my freshman year was how everyone in school found out why I was hospitalized by a unimformed big mouthed teacher. My "suicide attempt" it was called was misunderstood back in 1990. I was a cutter. I self injured in a multitude of ways, including starvation (anorexia) It was difficult to treat me when they couldn't understand why I was telling them I wasn't attempting to die. Not that I wasn't inheriently suicidal too... It wasn't the treatment that I was most harmed by, they were helpful and got me started towards handling my ptsd and the basic groundwork. It was my peers, my community, the people who had once secretly shared similar feelings/experiences that seemed to avoid me publically in a group shunning. Them also in fear of "standing in solidarity" and being shunned themselves. I wasn't the only one who had pain and traumas and standing alone when my private pain was made public was even more painful.

Just wanted to say I am standing with you guys and facing my fears.

[Andrew, Jr.]

I saw my friend. She has been in rehab. for drug addiction. It is really ashame. It is like she goes from one extreme to another. Her arms were covered. And she wore a turtleneck top. I really was uptight, and wasn't sure of what to do or say. She was really good at talking, but it was just small talk. Her husband was a nice guy, but somewhat of a geek. He didn't seem to be much on the ball. I think she married him to just be married.

[Dragonfly]

16 years blown to hell... I let myself down and I feel like I let everyone else down... especially my daughter though she doesn't even know it. I told myself to try and distract myself til it passes.... and what I really did was try to escape dealing with it... shoving it all up on a shelf in my closet... causing it to all come crashing down on me. When I started zoning out and practically obsessing about how badly I wanted to find relief.... or focus... or to just feel something but numbness... I should have done more than stick a post in this thread thinking I was somehow going to be able to trudge through this time like I have done for 16 years. But there is just so much going on at once. It's a mistake to expect too much from myself... and I think having a supportive friend or councelor would have been better than trying to always handle these feelings secretly all alone. As if I am ashamed. Made me realize that the embarrassment can actually separate someone in need from finding or hanging onto the help that is available. It is priceless to find support online but I am now reminded that it is only useful as a supplement to real world support, councelors with a treatment plan etc... Don't be like me and try to trick yourself into procrastinating seeking real world professional support. I thought "how much worse could it get" and then I got an answer of reality slapping me in the face. And I wasn't prepared for it so I stumbled.

Be back to post some links...

[WheelieStrong]

i hope it's ok to post this here.

i am a self harmer, i hit, bite, pick and cut myself, the main part of my body that suffers with the cutting is my right arm.

i count myself lucky that my reason for cutting is mainly that i find bleeding very calming, even comforting so i don't really have the need to cause major damage and disposable razors don't seem capable or a lot anyway..

Due to this i have the most faint and well hidden scars of anyone i've met, which weirdly in some ways i find upsetting, anyway on to my main point..

The sun is shinning a lot lately and especially since chest surgery and the fact that you can only see my scars when looking for them i refuse to wear extra layers if i really don't have to..
The problem is my arm is browning, ok only a little, but my scars aren't, so my scars are getting more and more visible, what can i do now?

i guess i feel the need to hide them because even i in the past have been guilty of seeing someone with obviously self induced scars and thought that having them visible is way of getting attention, i know this makes me a bad person, but i don't want others to see me and look at me the same way.
i never hurt myself for attention, it's just a way to deal

[WheelieStrong]

Thank you Andrew for making this thread. I used to be a cutter and i would cut my inner thigh because i figured no one would see it there. I would cut to be able to feel again. Lucky enough I have been taking meds for my bipolar type 1 which was causing my cutting in my opinion and I have cut in almost a year. Its not easy beacuse I still get the urge every now and then but its easier to not want to do it. So I wonder sometimes do you ever really get over it and is it like being an achololic once your one, you are always one? I know for some people its not easy to talk about their pain or their feelings of whats going on. I used to be one of those people that kept it all to myself and I am just starting to open up and be able to talk about how I feel to those that will listen. I am really glad this thread is here because maybe when someone gets that feeling of saddness or numbness in my case we can come here to those that understand and be able to tell them and maybe get some support to not cut or hurt ourselves

hi, i just wanted to say, i am more likely to cut when i am on meds, they weirdly seem to make me numb and bleeding and feeling pain mke me feel more human so i understand this i guess

[WheelieStrong]

Is anyone a trichster or was a person who had trichotillomania?

my mum used to do this and often caused herself bald patches and that was just pulling one hair out t time, but i didn't know there was actully a name for it

[Dragonfly]

i hope it's ok to post this here.

i am a self harmer, i hit, bite, pick and cut myself, the main part of my body that suffers with the cutting is my right arm.

i count myself lucky that my reason for cutting is mainly that i find bleeding very calming, even comforting so i don't really have the need to cause major damage and disposable razors don't seem capable or a lot anyway..

Due to this i have the most faint and well hidden scars of anyone i've met, which weirdly in some ways i find upsetting, anyway on to my main point..

The sun is shinning a lot lately and especially since chest surgery and the fact that you can only see my scars when looking for them i refuse to wear extra layers if i really don't have to..
The problem is my arm is browning, ok only a little, but my scars aren't, so my scars are getting more and more visible, what can i do now?

i guess i feel the need to hide them because even i in the past have been guilty of seeing someone with obviously self induced scars and thought that having them visible is way of getting attention, i know this makes me a bad person, but i don't want others to see me and look at me the same way.
i never hurt myself for attention, it's just a way to deal


I just want to say that maybe you misunderstood a lack of shame for a need for attention when it came to those showing visible scars. It may have taken that stranger you saw a very long time and a lot of work to be able to NOT be overly self conscious and hide them. You may someday reach that point where you are ok and able to be open in a way that attention for something negative can bring positive by sharing facts andd info with whomever notices and asks about said scars. I know amazing young girls who speak to an entire auditorium about cutting... but personally I still can't be comfortable with scars that were over 20 years old. I still hid them because I feel like you do about someone noticing or speaking to me randomly about such personal issues. There's no bad or good here.... only growth love and acceptance.

Just some ideas for ya... because long sleeves can't always be an option for hot seasons/climates.... bracelets are not the most fashionable way but when added next to say a watch and/or a leather band... maybe even something like breast cancer awareness bracelets and pride bands so you are doing good while you are ALSO "minimizing the chances of someone noticing and giving you unwanted attention". Back in the day when hippy like jewelry was cool, leather making tools (with designs and letters) were really good for making 1 to 3 inch bands that resembled cuffs. You could make a "punk statement" back then like anarchy symbols or bands' designs... but these days there are many phrases and words that can do a lot of good. Don't know if you could brainstorm something from that and be your "style" to wear.

Also if you use a high sunblock on the whole area, to reduce the tanning around the scars, and then at night use a stretch mark cream you should be able to re-hide the white lines into your skin tone if they are very thin and shallow as you described.

[Nat]

I do that eyelash thing too - never thought anything of it though. I also skin pick and scratch til I bleed sometimes, though I've never talked about it or even thought about it as self-injury.

I have loved 4 cutters (not all romantically). The first time I saw still-red cuts under a sleeve that had crept up too high, it upset me very much and very immediately. But cutting makes sense to me logically even if it's not what I do. It seems in a way like a coping mechanism that must be effective enough to keep a person on this planet. Two of the cutters I've known were handling a lot of personal pain, and the other two had high anxiety. I can't claim to understand it, though like I said, it does make sense to me in my own head.

My other self-harm compulsions have been through the more common (perhaps) routes of overeating, comfort-deprivation, spending money I can't afford to spend, forcing myself into sex I didn't want or that harmed me, staying in or going back to emotionally abusive situations, smoking, drinking, occasionally drugging (not lately), other self-sabotaging behaviors. I went through a bout of intentional purging for maybe 3 months once. It became easily compulsive, just like eating or sex (or hitting refresh on an internet browser), and I found it weirdly satisfying. Looking for privacy, the ritual of it, perfecting my technique, creating a routine, eating with the knowledge that it wouldn't be staying down, keeping this secret, knowing that when somebody told me I looked thinner and told me I was doing a "good job" as though my body were their business, I had this secret evil knowledge that my body was only conforming to their standards because I was *not* taking care of myself - all those things were weirdly satisfying to the point of being kinda fetishy. I was able to stop that though. I didn't discover that stuff until my mid-twenties, and although I would easily get into the pattern again, it just wasn't my main deal.

I take different routes but they all bring some kind of relief. If I manage to cut off one route, another takes its place.

I've been looking lately at trying to really actually heal whatever it is on the inside of me that seems to be the motivating factor. I don't know if I can heal entirely, but I am trying. I am establishing a sense of safety and trust with myself slowly. Part of that is being in a relationship with a person who loves me, whom I love, who also is always safe and supportive for me. Just feeling safe with one person is huge - it helps me feel safer with myself. Then there is my spiritual practice/path. It seems to be making the biggest difference in my life in terms of just making that black hole in me a little less of a big deal, a little less real, a little less of a motivating factor in my life. I don't think it's a thing I can banish entirely, but its grip seems to be loosening and its presence fading as more fulfilling and meaningful things have begun to take up more space in my inner world. I don't know if the skin-picking, scratching or eyelash-pulling will ever fade out, whether I will ever have a healthy relationship with food or whatever, but I am trying to focus on healing the inside stuff more than controlling those compulsions right now. If I start focusing too much on the symptoms, then I don't think I'll be in the right place to heal. The deal for me with the symptoms is - I'm avoiding illegality or behaviors that would seriously destroy the functionality of my life or my relationship, and I'm good with that. If I pick my scalp until it bleeds, who cares? It's such a minor concern for me compared with the other things I could do with these feelings.

[Andrew, Jr.]

You are all of mine. :praying:

Thank you for sharing your stories here. I hope you are finding this to be a safe space that is open for you to share, bond, love, and support one another.

Namaste,
Andrew

[Jeep]

So, in a real relationship for the first time in five years. All this time I have tought "If I can just find someone I will be able to stop." Not so much.
I love her, have known her for 6 years and trust her completely. There is nothing about me she doesn't know.
She doesn't get angry when I SI unless I try to hide it, which is hard for me not to do since I've been hiding it for 10 years, but I'm getting better. Would be nice if I could quit, but I think I would miss it. A lot.

[swagger]

When I am extremely stressed I pull my eyelashes out, and sometimes I hit myself in the head.

Yeay.

I hit.. It took me by surprise. I'd cut before, that started when I was 16 and the last time was in 2007 I think. My now ex called me a liar and I carved that word into my arm with a razor blade. The hitting, slapping, punching happened violently and unexpectedly when I was under extreme stress and extremely distressed. Talk about beating oneself up...... (Hell yeah I'm in therapy).

[Apocalipstic]

I hit.. It took me by surprise. I'd cut before, that started when I was 16 and the last time was in 2007 I think. My now ex called me a liar and I carved that word into my arm with a razor blade. The hitting, slapping, punching happened violently and unexpectedly when I was under extreme stress and extremely distressed. Talk about beating oneself up...... (Hell yeah I'm in therapy).

I am in therapy too and it seems to be helping. My psychiatrist said to hit myself in the shoulder, not the head if I must hit myself...which makes sense.

Ive been so stressed lately my hair is actually falling out, instead of me pulling it. Creepy. Maybe becasue I pull it so tight ina bun my head hurts.

I have been doing better about hitting myself, onlyonce recently, but I think about it and my eyelashes are grown back.

[swagger]

I am in therapy too and it seems to be helping. My psychiatrist said to hit myself in the shoulder, not the head if I must hit myself...which makes sense.

Ive been so stressed lately my hair is actually falling out, instead of me pulling it. Creepy. Maybe becasue I pull it so tight ina bun my head hurts.

I have been doing better about hitting myself, onlyonce recently, but I think about it and my eyelashes are grown back.

my shrink [and by shrink i mean psychologist, in south africa, psychiatry is expensive and most of our qualified ones leave the country] said try to open your hands, think of comforting yourself, holding your head instead. i don't have time to think though, it's always out of the bloody blue. *pow* one time, i punched my throat repeatedly. not cool, so not cool. there might be a break of a few months between bouts [lool, bouts like boxing..] or it could be all too frequent.

well done for stopping the eyelashes thing, that's really great.

[girl_dee]

my shrink [and by shrink i mean psychologist, in south africa, psychiatry is expensive and most of our qualified ones leave the country] said try to open your hands, think of comforting yourself, holding your head instead. i don't have time to think though, it's always out of the bloody blue. *pow* one time, i punched my throat repeatedly. not cool, so not cool. there might be a break of a few months between bouts [lool, bouts like boxing..] or it could be all too frequent.

well done for stopping the eyelashes thing, that's really great.

yup i get this.. spur of the moment knee-jerk reaction to an intense emotion.. bang its done, all better.

[swagger]

Thanks for saying that, I'm far more used to peoples' eyes widening in horror...

[girl_dee]

Thanks for saying that, I'm far more used to peoples' eyes widening in horror...


lol yup.. it's not something people are used to hearing and especially from people like me who look pretty normal... we all have our stuff to deal with.

[swagger]

lol yup.. it's not something people are used to hearing and especially from people like me who look pretty normal... we all have our stuff to deal with.

Normal how? A guy I know told me hit and that he thought it more "manly" than cutting. More of a male response. For me it is fast enraged violence without planning. When I cut, it was always because I *wanted* to cut. I have never, ever wanted to punch myself hard in the head and throat.

[girl_dee]

Normal = a girl who looks like she has got it together and pretty happy with herself..

Not someone who in a fit of self hate or an emotional snap will yank her hair out and take a hammer to her arm. I am WAY better now but there was a day.. a sad dark time when it was bad.. I don't remember a time when I didn't use a punch or cut to make me feel better. I can be sitting in a restaraunt with friends, suddenly a feeling comes over me, off to the bathroom I go.. punch, pinch, yank, hit... all better.. no one would ever guess.

Being an endorphin junkie I tend to do other things to bring that feeling but in a more controlled setting.. its the spur of the moment fits that are the hard ones.

[Tcountry]

Thanks! I have read the whole thread & found interesting the different actions & reasons...
I have been an emotional cutter (when things get all jumbled & u can't think or feel anything anymore & ur just numb to the world) cutting makes me focus on one emotion/pain...I have recently made a playlist of songs I know make me cry...thinking next time I can play those songs & that will bring the sad/tears & I won't want to cut.
Hopefully finding a different way to cure the numbness...
I think the hardest thing to hear is someone I am in a relationship with say she doesn't want me to cut "because of me"...like if we have a fight or something...the smartass response would be, well then don't continue to yell at me...lol ...cause if you stopped yelling & observed u would see the breaking point...

Advise for anyone in a relationship with a salf harmer...talk to them about what their triggers/reasons are...& listen, really listen to words & body language...& be willing to stand by them when it does happen...cause it is really hard to stop & they don't need yet another person telling them how wrong or unhealthy it is...

Thanks, T.

[DomnNC]

Hi Ya'll,

First off let me say how brave each and every one of you are for sharing your stories. I used to have a friend who was very much into self-harm, self-injury. I found a website where they actually have a chat room where you can talk to people who are indeed going thru the same thing ya'll do. Most often the chat room is manned with a counselor as well. I thought maybe some of you might find some solace, peace and strength discussing your lives with people who are living with the same issue(s) you are. Here's the link for the chat room portal.

http://www.buschat.info/dokuwiki/

Here's a few more websites that have a lot of good information as well.

http://selfharm.org/

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/self_injury.htm

http://www.selfinjury.com/

Good luck to you all and again thank you for the vast courage you have shown by posting your story!

[proximitywithoutintimacy]

I didn't even know this thread existed... :seconddoh:

There are those who think that, I don't understand addiction because I've never had one. The truth is, cutting... can be just as addicting as any drug - especially when one is trying to quit, and the craving can be extremely intense.

I did a number on myself on my 22nd birthday, and I made a promise to myself I never would again... it was almost two years before I gave in again. But, now it's been three months (I think) and I'm going to make another commitment to myself, because quitting for ME is the most important thing.

Thank you for allowing me to share; everyone here is so warm, I feel confident I will not be judged - but rather, accepted.

:praying:

[girl_dee]

Thank you for the info here. I am learning that no matter what, the *urge* never goes away. Dealing with it is what is different.

[proximitywithoutintimacy]

I have replaced it with crying... which, I actually got accused of trying to make people feel guilty. :wtf:

I would rather cry to get it out, than crawl back into the sick comfort of a blade on my skin.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Replace it with music, running, screaming, exercising something that will get you out of that habit space, talk about it!

To Write Love on Her Arms

MISSION STATEMENT:
To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery.
VISION:

The vision is that we actually believe these things…
You were created to love and be loved. You were meant to live life in relationship with other people, to know and be known. You need to know that your story is important and that you're part of a bigger story. You need to know that your life matters.
We live in a difficult world, a broken world. My friend Byron is very smart - he says that life is hard for most people most of the time. We believe that everyone can relate to pain, that all of us live with questions, and all of us get stuck in moments. You need to know that you're not alone in the places you feel stuck.
We all wake to the human condition. We wake to mystery and beauty but also to tragedy and loss. Millions of people live with problems of pain. Millions of homes are filled with questions – moments and seasons and cycles that come as thieves and aim to stay. We know that pain is very real. It is our privilege to suggest that hope is real, and that help is real.
You need to know that rescue is possible, that freedom is possible, that God is still in the business of redemption. We're seeing it happen. We're seeing lives change as people get the help they need. People sitting across from a counselor for the first time. People stepping into treatment. In desperate moments, people calling a suicide hotline. We know that the first step to recovery is the hardest to take. We want to say here that it's worth it, that your life is worth fighting for, that it's possible to change.
Beyond treatment, we believe that community is essential, that people need other people, that we were never meant to do life alone.
The vision is that community and hope and help would replace secrets and silence.
The vision is people putting down guns and blades and bottles.
The vision is that we can reduce the suicide rate in America and around the world.
The vision is that we would learn what it means to love our friends, and that we would love ourselves enough to get the help we need.
The vision is better endings. The vision is the restoration of broken families and broken relationships. The vision is people finding life, finding freedom, finding love. The vision is graduation, a Super Bowl, a wedding, a child, a sunrise. The vision is people becoming incredible parents, people breaking cycles, making change.
The vision is the possibility that your best days are ahead.
The vision is the possibility that we're more loved than we'll ever know.
The vision is hope, and hope is real.

You are not alone, and this is not the end of your story.


http://www.twloha.com/vision/


http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2259/2262875377_6186e3e5c3.jpg

[proximitywithoutintimacy]

Mhm, I'm very familiar with TWLOHA ;)

[Tcountry]

What do you do when nothing else
seems to work? (fyi...not there now, just want ideas for future)

Hi...my name is T and I am a cutter......
I have done it since I was 18...
(i posted months ago as to why)
but I have the question above....could use answers.

The hardest thing for me is recognizing the causes at the moment & realizing I have to make the choices to Not do it.
I carry a knife everyday. some ppl would say that is like putting a bottle of a recovered alcoholic's fav in front of them & telling them not to drink...but I have Never cut with that knife...
Weird....
I think this has become a ramble so back to the topic.

how Do YOU stop yourself? what do u do when nothing seems to work?

[Gráinne]

I used to self-injure, and quit several years ago when I was alarmed at accidentally going too far. What helped (and still helps) me is noticing when I'm getting too upset and emotional, and removing myself early enough before the urge to hurt myself.

Have you ever heard of HALT? It stands for "Don't let yourself get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired". All of those can bring you down and make you vulnerable to making poor choices.

[proximitywithoutintimacy]

What do you do when nothing else
seems to work? (fyi...not there now, just want ideas for future)

Hi...my name is T and I am a cutter......
I have done it since I was 18...
(i posted months ago as to why)
but I have the question above....could use answers.

The hardest thing for me is recognizing the causes at the moment & realizing I have to make the choices to Not do it.
I carry a knife everyday. some ppl would say that is like putting a bottle of a recovered alcoholic's fav in front of them & telling them not to drink...but I have Never cut with that knife...
Weird....
I think this has become a ramble so back to the topic.

how Do YOU stop yourself? what do u do when nothing seems to work?



Currently, I distract the hell out of myself. Drink some water. Play a game on my phone. Mess with my hair. Just, I DO something to make myself busy. Cleaning helps. Writing too.

[yotlyolqualli]

In the culture I grew up in, and the faith I was raised in, adultery, divorce... those things never happened.

When my Daddy, cheated on Mother, and got my 17 year old best friend pregnant, all hell broke loose. I was 13 at the time. The scandal was nerve wracking. The shame, the unmitigated shame was intense. We felt pointed at and whispered about... sometimes justifiably.

Not only shame, but listening to Mother cry out that she wanted to die, begged God to allow her to die, tore at my very being. I hated my Daddy, yet loved my Daddy, I was angry at Mother for not fighting, yet angry at Daddy for not giving her reason enough to fight.

So, not only was I supressing any thought of being gay, not only was I dealing with the after affects of being molested three different times by three different people, I was now dealing with anger, shame, guilt and fear.

Shortly after my father left, he had started drinking and he and his new girlfriend were at a bar drunk. I was at his house for the weekend, their baby was with Mother. Complicated, I know, but please bear with me. I got a call from Daddy's g/f, "your Dad wrecked the truck, he's still in there, not moving."

I called Mother, she called an ambulance. Myself, and three friends went back the dirt road where we had been told they had wrecked. The area was known as "Harpers woods" and someone with lifetime knowledge of the woods, could still get lost for days, if not careful.

We came across the wrecked truck, but Daddy wasn't in it. I panicked, I began screaming for him, at the top of my lungs, I was racing through the woods edge, looking for anything, any sign of him, at all. I found nothing.

By this time, Mother and Grandma, with Daddys brother, were there, along with the fire and rescue squad. It wasn't until a fireman took my arm and approached Mother and said "if she does not stop, we will have to sedate her and take her to the hospital". It was only then that I realized that I had blood dripping from the inside of both arms.. I had literally dug them open with my fingernails.

That was the first time I self injured. It was not the last.

For me, it wasn't anxiety, it wasn't even necessarily fear, like the first time, that kept me doing it. It was a pain, a hurt so devasatingly overwhelming inside of me.. that the only way to distract myself from that emotional pain, was to induce physical pain.

I used a cross pendant I had gotten for Easter, the second time I did it.

I used a pencil eraser the third time. By the time I graduated to a blade, I thought I had hit rock bottom.

I sought counseling, through religious and secular means. The frequency dropped dramatically. I was "normal". When I finally admitted to myself that I was gay, I ran from the truth. I ran right into the arms of a woman who was, quite frankly, evil. I allowed her to do things to me, not because I loved her, or had any notion of that, but because, it was my guilt free way of self injuring. I wasn't doing it. She was. Canes, whips, floggers, flails... nothing to extreme... until I stopped consenting.

Then came biting till the skin broke, whipping until I pissed blood... but she introduced something that I have never even thought of. She took to burning me with cigarettes. I escaped her. I met another woman who, while the relationship did not last, taught me how to love myself.

Then, I met a woman who was nice, cute, outgoing and genuinely interested in me... or so I thought. I've come to realize that she was someone who simply did not have the capacity to care for anyone but herself.

One day, after she had hurt me so badly emotionally, I found myself hiding in my woods, cutting again.

Three months later, I was hiding on our back porch, lighting a cigarette and burning myself. Why? Again, not anxiety, not fear, just a pain so intense inside, that I had to get my mind off of it, or go insane.

I've not cut/burned/ or in any other way self injured in nearly a year now. I've not really felt the need. But I know, that deep inside of me is that dark part that reassures me.. "if it hurts too much, I have the cure".. and at times, that part is too alluring to resist.

The only way I can stop myself from wanting to do this, is to stop allowing myself to be hurt in ways that cause me to want that pain.



In a poem I wrote about what I was feeling... one line said.

I want to bleed so that my pain is no longer inside. I want to scream so that the keening of my soul can finally cease. I want to hurt, so that the hurting of my soul can be relieved.



Sadly enough, there is a huge part of me that still relates to that poem.