What fart did you fart today?

[nycfem]

Just another fart thread for giggles because as Pamela Anderson said in her old column in Jane Magazine, "Farts are never not funny."

THE ORANGE OOMPA LOOMPA FART

Today I farted while on an elliptical (like a treadmill) at the gym today. It was a sour silent fart that lingered, as in my prayer, "Please disappear," but no... still there, perhaps even reaching a potential no one could ever imagine it would achieve at it's humble beginnings.

Unfortunately I was on a piece of equipment right next to only one other person. It was very clear who "dealt it." She handled my toxic gas with true civility and class by simply moving to an elliptical a few machines down from me, no 'tude in the least. When I've been in the reverse situation, I have not been as generous, instead angrily inhaling the stench while giving dirty eyes to the farter, who, of course, pretends that they don't notice they are being hated on.

I tried to diagnose my fart as I continued on my cardio machine all alone, as in, what created such a monstrous expulsion? I did have an orange and some almonds before working out, or was it the power bar, or some combination thereof. I had to go with the orange.

So, what fart did you fart today?

[batennisboy]

Just another fart thread for giggles because as Pamela Anderson said in her old column in Jane Magazine, "Farts are never not funny."

THE ORANGE OOMPA LOOMPA FART

Today I farted while on an elliptical (like a treadmill) at the gym today. It was a sour silent fart that lingered, as in my prayer, "Please disappear," but no... still there, perhaps even reaching a potential no one could ever imagine it would achieve at it's humble beginnings.

Unfortunately I was on a piece of equipment right next to only one other person. It was very clear who "dealt it." She handled my toxic gas with true civility and class by simply moving to an elliptical a few machines down from me, no 'tude in the least. When I've been in the reverse situation, I have not been as generous, instead angrily inhaling the stench while giving dirty eyes to the farter, who, of course, pretends that they don't notice they are being hated on.

I tried to diagnose my fart as I continued on my cardio machine all alone, as in, what created such a monstrous expulsion? I did have an orange and some almonds before working out, or was it the power bar, or some combination thereof. I had to go with the orange.

So, what fart did you fart today?


OMFG!!!!! You have made my evening!!!! You are an inspiration!!!

[mountainbikedyke]

~subscribing~ because farts are funny!

[Soon]

~subscribing~ because farts are funny!

LMAO! How'd I know you'd be in this thread PRONTO?!

[Medusa]

I did a "scare the dog" and a "punctuation" fart today.

The "scare the dog" is exactly as it sounds. Gracie was sleeping on the bed as I was cleaning the bedroom and I let one rip. It was a loud retort, kinda like a gunshot, and it woke Gracie up and she immediately growled and stood up, looking for robber who was surely breaking in/wind.

The "punctuation" fart is the one where you make a long, vibrating fart but there is an "exclamation point" at the end. Like one last extra fart to top it all off!

PPFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF POP!

[batennisboy]

OMG...I *love* this thread!!!!!

[mountainbikedyke]

I like the "question mark" fart!!! ;)

[Medusa]

I truly do wish T-Rex would come in here and talk about the time I chased her through the lobby of the only 5-star hotel in Arkansas at 3am while letting the World's Loudest Fart :)

[DapperButch]

I just farted in the car on the way home from the play TF and I just attended. I had to, the gas had been building up! It was a high pitched squeal of a fart.

It didn't even have a smell for some reason...:blink:

[Liam]

Subscribing in solidarity, pretty quiet day for farts, here.

[Corkey]

Is the silent but deadly sort....

In public I try very hard to leave public space, because I could kill a horse.:blush:

[StillettoDoll]

This is a smelly thread lol:rofl:
http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcS-nT0Zhm2KM9gSNuSeSKsg5XwsTwHvIdSZD7ZtRmELOa54kTUqow :www.teresasfamilycleaning.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/Smelly-face-57138784.jpg
http://www.fart-sounds.net/Fart_sounds.jpg

[deathbypoem]

Had to get in on this one!

the other morning while waiting on the front porch for the bus to pick up my son I let one rip. It was sort of like multiple shots with a pause in between each one. He said "MOM that was NOT a straight fart!!" I said, um what is a straight fart? He said you know the ones where there is a line of gas that doesn't stop!

I nearly lost it. In fact not two secs later I had a straight fart. Think that made his day lmao

[o'queery]

I am quite fond of the

"Crop Duster"


Passing gas in a stealth manor, usually while walking through a crowd or a group, so that someone else gets blamed for the stench, or at the very least people besides the assailant must suffer it.

:sunglass:

[mountainbikedyke]

I like the "fart and dart" myself! :passinggas:

[Words]

*I* don't fart.

I just hold it in and let it out as drama.;)

[Bard]

our dog Gracie is the master of the silent and VERY deadly farts in our house and I swear she knows it .. desd will be GRACIE-LOO and then it will just linger .... like a fog
the goose she likes to try and fart .. on me ... no idea where she gets that from....

[puddin']

i burped at work yestaday (one o' those short, barky burps) and it was mistaken by a co-worker fo' a fart! :| how does that even happen?!! lol

[batennisboy]

Was walking down the hallway yesterday and thy fart felt it necessary to be released. It was a "walk the walk" fart - bits being released with each step and thus butt movement. It was further punctuated with a statement "period" short and sweet definitive fart.

[Liam]

Just a couple of putt putts today, while puttering about the house. It would seem that I have become a shadow of the Olympian Farter, I once was. *Sigh*

[nycfem]

One from yesterday, one from today:

Yesterday: THE FREUDIAN FART

I ran into someone I knew and didn't want to really do the "Hi, how are you, what have you been up to" thing with him but did anyway. So we were having our upbeat convo, and I asked about how his on-again, off-again girlfriend was doing. He said, "She's doing an internship in Oakland, California for a year. It's a fellowship on renewable energy. She's become really interested in fresh air." I don't know if it was the unconscious power of suggestion or what but the moment the words "fresh air" were spoken I let a "silent but deadly" rip. "Anyway nice seeing you!" he called over his shoulder as he trotted off at a brisk pace.

Today: THE "WAKE THE DEAD" FART

After a fine meal of collard greens, injera (Ethiopian bread), shiro (Ethiopian chick pea stew), and Red Velvet ice cream (Ben & Jerry's), I felt a loud fart coming on. Sometimes one could stifle it but a sense of "Seize the Day! You only live once!" takes over, and instead it's given red carpet treatment. In this case that meant, lifting a cheek off the chair and pushing with gusto. I was sitting at my computer desk and BB was sitting at the dining room table eating take-out Italian, so I thought maybe just maybe, somehow, I could get away with BB not having heard it. But instead, instantly, a sleeping cat woke and stared at me, and BB nearly dropped hys fork. I said, "I think I woke the cat." BB said, "Are you kidding, Honey? You woke the dead."

[Julie]

I FARTED for the Preacher today!
And the Preacker cackled.

[Medusa]

I can verify said fart :|

[Dreamer]

Omg I am already imagining the wedding and New Orleans farts... Look out guests.

[RockOn]

Silent Stealth plan goes awry

I did a long one cheek sneak (so I had planned) in my cubi today. The first part went swell, a genuine stealth, under the radar fart - made me proud but the last portion went into a long sort of high pitched zinger and the pitch continued to rise as it played out. I could not stop it in the middle when it became noisey ... I was trying so hard not to laugh but unable to help myself at that point ... each stifled giggle produced little bullet farts at the end. Hot little fart it was, I had lots of jalapeno peppers on the veggie sub I had for breakfast earlier. Pretty rough, had to abandon my cubicle.

[Sweet Bliss]

Silent Stealth plan goes awry

I did a long one cheek sneak (so I had planned) in my cubi today. The first part went swell, a genuine stealth, under the radar fart - made me proud but the last portion went into a long sort of high pitched zinger and the pitch continued to rise as it played out. I could not stop it in the middle when it became noisey ... I was trying so hard not to laugh but unable to help myself at that point ... each stifled giggle produced little bullet farts at the end. Hot little fart it was, I had lots of jalapeno peppers on the veggie sub I had for breakfast earlier. Pretty rough, had to abandon my cubicle.

:| <……… Brock :pointing:

me...> :rofl: ......

Coworkers ... >:seeingstars: :thud: :ambulance: :hospital-snoopy: :overreaction:

[Gemme]

The average person farts 16 times a day.

:readfineprint:

[RockOn]

Your image portrayal is hilarious! Thank you!
I think the only co-worker who heard it was a guy I don't like - so I could care less. I was just praying my supervisor would not walk in when things got out of control, his entry would have caused me to laugh even harder at myself ... and this surely would have generated lots more rump end melodies. I'm a freaking rock-star fartster! LOL! I think nycfem is too, word has it she can wake the dead. :)

Hey Gemme, interesting statistics!

[Sweet Bliss]

http://mistupid.com/facts/page070.htm
:passinggas:

[RockOn]

Sweet Bliss was so kind to give us the link ... I copied and pasted the following information (see below ) from this site.

***************************
Stupid Facts - Fart Facts

Farts are created mostly by E. coli.

On the average a fart is composed of about 59% nitrogen, 21% hydrogen, 9% carbon dioxide, 7% methane, and 4% oxygen. Less than 1% is what makes them stink.

The temperature of a fart at time of creation is 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit.

Farts have been clocked at a speed of 10 feet per second.

A person produces about half a liter of farts a day.

Although they won't admit it, women fart as much as men.

Termites are the largest producers of farts.

Farts are flammable.

The word "fart" comes from the Old English "feortan" (meaning "to break wind").

Excess gas in the intestinal is medically termed "flatulence."

*****************************************
If you could get a tiny, very sensitive tape recorder and stick it inside your walls near wood, it would be unnecessary to pay a termite control company because on the tape recorder you'd hear all the little partying termites farting while they munched your wood.

I wonder how that clock speed at 10' per second was achieved. And yes, I can tell you for an absolute fact, farts are flammable. :(

[Sweet Bliss]

My senses tell me there is more to Brockie's story..... and why pray tell, did my Kindle call him Brockie????? Ummmm.... has someone been using it?!?!? :canoworms: :|


And for the record, eating gluten, if you are allergic to it, will create an abundance of foul flatulence.

Eliminate gluten folks. :rofl:

[RockOn]

* laughing *
That is all you will get out of me about that story!

[Sweet Bliss]

:thinking:


Was a flicking BIC involved???? Inquiring minds want the whole story....:hamactor:

[RockOn]

LOL! SWEET BLISS, YOU GOTTA QUIT!
*laughing even harder now*

[Sweet Bliss]

LOL! SWEET BLISS, YOU GOTTA QUIT!
*laughing even harder now*

:rrose: Well, had to give it my best shot :)

Should I have bribed you with a frosted mug of beer? :beerbros:

[RockOn]

Sweet Bliss

Good try but too bad the bribe would have been futile. Been in recovery since late 80s. Beer makes me want to chase cars ... caught up with a '68 Firebird one time ... knawed off the left rear tire - couldn't tell you what all that was about ... and chased after women too - I knew what that was about ;) ... it became problematic. I do not miss the chaos.

More serious note ... really love being sober and would not change it for anything in the world. :)

[Sweet Bliss]

Sweet Bliss

Good try but too bad the bribe would have been futile. Been in recovery since late 80s. Beer makes me want to chase cars ... caught up with a '68 Firebird one time ... knawed off the left rear tire - couldn't tell you what all that was about ... and chased after women too - I knew what that was about ;) ... it became problematic. I do not miss the chaos.

More serious note ... really love being sober and would not change it for anything in the world. :)

ditto :bunchflowers:

damn....shooda said Root Beer!!! :byebye:

[RockOn]

ditto???????
You mean alcohol makes you want to chase cars too?
Wow, too cool! You are the only person who has ever admitted that to me.

Pssst ... come closer ... want to whisper something in your ear ... I think there are others who experience the odd behavior of alcohol-induced car chasing but they are unable to talk about it.

*wink*

[solamite]

Juz pullz meez finga & u willz noe wat kind of fart I didz todae.

[GraffitiBoi]

http://scontent-a-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/t1/1912406_215376221998248_1044935213_n.jpg

[Sweet Bliss]

ditto???????
You mean alcohol makes you want to chase cars too?
Wow, too cool! You are the only person who has ever admitted that to me.

Pssst ... come closer ... want to whisper something in your ear ... I think there are others who experience the odd behavior of alcohol-induced car chasing but they are unable to talk about it.

*wink*

Wellllll, ummmm, aaahhhhh, .... yes. And since I feel compelled to spill my guts in the middle of the night, I don't even need the alcohol to induce my inappropriate behavior regarding car chasing. :seeingstars:

In fact, I have been caught on security tape dancing to Muszak at Walgreens and other public access establishments sans dance floors. :blueheels:

Thanks to Corporate nixing the audio feature of security cameras, you can't hear me singing along.

[RockOn]

I KNEW IT!!!! YOU little car-chaser, YOU! LOL!

Been so much fun, the back and forth teasing with you. :)

Now...
I am ready to hear more REAL stories on the topic.
Come on people and tell us about it, don't be shy! ;)
*chuckles to self*

*smiles and waves to Sweet Bliss on my way out*

[Sweet Bliss]

okay, this is a true story .....

Just two nights ago I struggled to awake from a deep sleep, barely aware that I could not get oxygen in my lungs.....

As I used every bit of my strength to push up to a sitting position, I realized there was something blocking my path to fresh air....

As another wave of putrid air assailed my nose and lungs I looked down with my last conscious moment .....

Sophie's hairy ass and tail was right next to where my nose had been all night ....

She rips another SBD .......

[sis]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc1/t1/1796541_664531846941630_482152465_n.jpg

And, why no, I'm NOT actually admitting this every happened to me! lolol After all, if a tree falls in the forest and no one is there, did it really make the noise???

Deb

[willow]

Some of you may find these helpful.

https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRWEmeqRnm9GHMtsG8_QhbQi-_Cnsbt_0OdKfDhRmnzyTTsF-Xi

Or these.

http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41HDymT%2BkIL._AA160_.jpg

My personal favourite. :|

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSIH6eoCnbtnrk3w0Cnwz6Wi7TD5ErZy tC0c7SriEIYWM3mt6AR

[Electrocell]

My cats like to cuddle with me ,sometimes one sleeps on my chest and let's out one those that gags you. So I get even with them every once in awhile and let out one of those " What crawled up inside you and died farts" lol that's when they move away.

[willow]

http://althras.files.wordpress.com/2007/06/lolcats4.jpg

[candy_coated_bitch]

Some of you may find these helpful.

https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRWEmeqRnm9GHMtsG8_QhbQi-_Cnsbt_0OdKfDhRmnzyTTsF-Xi

Or these.

http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41HDymT%2BkIL._AA160_.jpg

My personal favourite. :|

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSIH6eoCnbtnrk3w0Cnwz6Wi7TD5ErZy tC0c7SriEIYWM3mt6AR

I love the picture of the woman on the box for the "Farting Undies". Her look of surprise and horror is epic.

I read some of the descriptions of the farts to my partner the other day and I feel he took it as a bonding experience thus allowing him to be more open about farting in front of me.

Today: the "You can't even stand yourself and have no one else to blame fart." Exactly as it sounds.

[Medusa]

I did a "revenge" fart today on a coworker.

A coworker (who I love and who I have an ongoing "I got you last" revenge game with) rolled into my cube today and farted.

Engage hysterics from everyone who heard it.

Being the silent revenge-getter that I am and being that she sits directly behind me, I silently farted that one fart that can clear a room because you ate steamed broccoli and kidney beans for lunch and then proceeded to turn on my very powerful wind-tunnel fan and blow it into her cube. :)

I guess we could call that the "tornado of revenge". :)

[genghisfawn]

My guy and I were talking about jealous people and the "peeing on someone's leg" routine.

She said, "I don't need you to pee on me to advertise that I'm yours. You douse me with your sour farts all night long - that's good enough!"

[nycfem]

THE FART THAT CHASES ITS OWN TAIL

Today I felt a fart that was going to be more than a small scent-free puff, so I jumped off the gym mat and ran to an area of the gym where there was no people. I tried to maintain a thoughtful look on my face as I silently discharged the foul gas. Then I had to get away from the fart quick before anyone came into that vicinity in order to save myself embarrassment. However, as usual, as I went running back to the gym mat, I seemed to bring just the tiniest bit of the fart smell back with me. How can that be? Farts never cease to amaze in how sly they can be!

[sis]

I work with first graders .... they can be very smelly after lunch. However, today, we were talking about things we can smell. The activity was to draw a picture of something you can smell and then print 'good' or 'bad'. I have a zero tolerance policy for potty talk in the classroom as it takes so darn long to get ALL OF US settled down once the conversation is started. Thus, a student approached me with a drawing, and I will say an excellent drawing, of one of her smelly male classmates; a classmate that is quite proud of what he can produce after lunch in my classroom. Behind the butt of the student in the drawing was a 'cloud'. I was asked 'Miss Deb, is this okay?' Starting to stifle a giggle I asked 'how would you feel if this was a picture of you?' Well, there was some hemming and hawing and finally she said 'not good' followed by 'but, Miss Deb, see I think its okay because he is happy in the picture'. As Art Linkletter would say ..... kids say the darndest things.

Deb

[homoe]

BUMP....


https://oliviaacole.files.wordpress.com/2015/01/screen-shot-2015-01-27-at-11-05-06-am.png