Something horrible just happened

[anaisninja]

I don't even know where to put this post.

(And for the first time since I joined this forum, the chat room is not working tonight.)

The woman I thought liked me, went up to move her truck and never came back.

On our date.

I feel... like I've just been stabbed. Like there is something deeply, terribly wrong with me. Like I'm not worth loving. Or even fucking.

This has never happened to me. No one has ever treated me this way. Except for the woman in Illinois. So that is twice in 2 weeks now.

For a split second, when she went to go move her truck, I thought - if she doesn't come back I'm going to quit my job and leave the state. But I didn't believe it. I didn't believe a person could be so cruel. But then, she never came back.

Maybe this is a message from the Universe. I can't go to work tomorrow, even though it's my 3rd day on the job. That's it. I give up. I'm done.

[MsTinkerbelly]

I don't even know where to put this post.

(And for the first time since I joined this forum, the chat room is not working tonight.)

The woman I thought liked me, went up to move her truck and never came back.

On our date.

I feel... like I've just been stabbed. Like there is something deeply, terribly wrong with me. Like I'm not worth loving. Or even fucking.

This has never happened to me. No one has ever treated me this way. Except for the woman in Illinois. So that is twice in 2 weeks now.

For a split second, when she went to go move her truck, I thought - if she doesn't come back I'm going to quit my job and leave the state. But I didn't believe it. I didn't believe a person could be so cruel. But then, she never came back.

Maybe this is a message from the Universe. I can't go to work tomorrow, even though it's my 3rd day on the job. That's it. I give up. I'm done.

I feel your pain and your confusion...i wish i could hug you!

You see, i had the same thing happen...but i had been living with him for six months. I lived with him in Oregon, and we decided to move back to California for awhile and were staying with his Mom until we found a place. We went to dinner at my Dad's house, and he excused himself to get some tums out of his truck.

He never came back.

I ran up and down the street, and around the corner to the store (no cell phones then), and when he wasn't laying dead somewhere i called his Mom. I told her that the least he could do was bring my luggage to my Dad's and leave it in the driveway. He did, and i didn't see him again until he brought my car from Oregon...he wanted to "talk it out", and i told him to fuck off.

I already had trust and abandonment issues, and i gotta tell you i was at the point where i had relationship issues for a very long time...but my wife finally broke through.

Please remember that it is smethng lacking in their very soul, and it is not you.

God bless

[Martina]

She is a coward. I know it hurts, but it's not worth risking your new job for. Your life is more than whether a stranger wants you or not. Over a long life, you'll find that lots of them will, and lots of them won't.

Dating can be cruel. It's hard. You might want to take a break, but don't stop taking care of yourself.

The job, your health, your basic needs, your friends -- all that comes first. Fuck that woman. What a jerk.

[Mar]

Man, I feel for you that is an awful thing to do to somebody. You know I been through my share of rotten things being done to me trust me, so I can relate. Try not to let one persons rude behavior make you feel bad about yourself. Whatever it was probably isn't as bad as the conclusions you try to make of it will be. People tend to think what did I do, what's wrong with me? etc when something goes wrong...but a lot of the time it's not you, it's them. From the sounds of it she has issues, we at least know one of them is not being able to be a polite considerate adult that is direct enough to say im sorry xyz, but we can be friends. Regardless of what it was, it isn't worth feeling bad about. Her opinion not only shouldn't matter, but it does not make up who you are. I know you want to know why this happened but she will probably never tell, and someone like that isn't worth your time.

[~ocean]

seems like she did u a favor ~ if u knew she was this ignorant u prob never would have went out w/ her sooo u lucked out she left ~~ her loss ~~

[WildHorses]

I am sorry that happened to you anaisninja but you MUST go to work.

Taking care of you and what is best for you is what counts. I am NOT saying
it is easy. But in the end we are really the only ones who "look after" ourselves.

Many times when we give our hearts it gets handed back to us looking like
it was in a blender for a month.

YOU take care of you which includes (in my pea brain) going to work and doing what you need to do.

WH


I don't even know where to put this post.

(And for the first time since I joined this forum, the chat room is not working tonight.)

The woman I thought liked me, went up to move her truck and never came back.

On our date.

I feel... like I've just been stabbed. Like there is something deeply, terribly wrong with me. Like I'm not worth loving. Or even fucking.

This has never happened to me. No one has ever treated me this way. Except for the woman in Illinois. So that is twice in 2 weeks now.

For a split second, when she went to go move her truck, I thought - if she doesn't come back I'm going to quit my job and leave the state. But I didn't believe it. I didn't believe a person could be so cruel. But then, she never came back.

Maybe this is a message from the Universe. I can't go to work tomorrow, even though it's my 3rd day on the job. That's it. I give up. I'm done.

[Smiling]

Once upon a time when I was going through a particularly nasty breakup, a dear friend gave me a piece of advice. He told me, "Throw yourself into your work."

In retrospect, this was good advice for the following reasons -
First of all, it keeps you busy and your mind on something [else] productive. Secondly, it increases your self-esteem when you do something, do it well, and can take pride in it. And finally, maybe you have some ambition and might like to move up the ladder. Being good at what you do will always help in that regard.

I, of course, took his advice to the extreme and became focused on my job to the exclusion of everything else, lol. Please don't do that; just know that his advice really does work. :)

What has happened to you is a reflection of your date's character and says nothing at all about you - except maybe that you really got lucky and dodged a bullet. Whew!

Try to force yourself to go to work tomorrow. It won't do you any good to stay home and fixate on it.

(I realize this is easier said than done, of course, so take what you can from my advice and leave the rest; but please do try to realize that the problem isn't yours).

[Gráinne]

My flabber is gasted.

I'm sorry about what happened. It says nothing about your date-ability or lovability, but everything about how this person is not someone you want in your life. They are cruel and a coward.

I too think it's vital that you go to work. You are obviously capable to them, so they hired you. It will get your mind off of things. As I was advised long ago, take care of your business, even throw yourself into it.

Dating is not essential, and taking a break isn't forever. Your work, your life, and your goals are infinitely more important.

[imperfect_cupcake]

It happened to me. I had someone come to stay the weekend and the next morning after her sleeping over, I had a bath and she drove off while I was in the tub LOL.

Perspective. Its about her, not you. All that says is she's a rude and socially incapable twat. It says nothing about you.

I called my best mate immediately and laughed and said "guess what just happened!!! Someone did a runner while I was in the tub!!! Hahahahahahahahahaha"

Seriously, when you understand its not about you, but utterly and only about them, the cowardice and absurdity will have you seeing it very differently. People are hilariously rude bastards.

[Femmadian]

Wowww, what a dirtbag this person turned out to be.

This whole situation sucks and I know you can't help but wonder what you did wrong for the first little while because it's a major blow to your ego, for sure. That's natural, but I think ultimately it's misplaced blame.

Think of two things that you can learn from this experience:
1) what this means about them as a person and,
to drive it home and really help squash any remaining feelings you may still have for this person,
2) what this could have meant for your future together should it have gone on any longer.

For example:
What you learned about this person is that they:
- run away from their problems (literally and figuratively) - what do you think this might mean for their financial stability...?
- cannot handle conflict - what kind of partner do you think she might be when life is no longer smooth sailing? Would she even be a partner to you at all?
- cannot deal with confrontation - what happens when you need to have those serious adult relationship conversations with her? What happens when you run into those normal everyday situations (or people) which call for (firm, respectful) confrontation? Is she going to just flake out or leave you to deal with everything by yourself?
- dishonest - the possibilities with this one are endless...
- no tact whatsoever! She could have taken the kinder, gentler way out and excused herself with a believable excuse, like sudden illness, but instead she didn't even have the decency. Think of how this could manifest itself in your relationship down the road...

This exercise I find helps me when I'm in a similar situation and have to break the bonds of attachment. Rip off that sticky bandaid and see what's underneath.

I know it's clichéd, but you really did dodge a bullet with this one.

Also, one piece of advice that a great feminist friend told me once: a job/career will take far better care of you than any lover ever could.

If you're only a few days into your new job, you really cannot afford to take time off right now. You're still very much in the "trial period" in your employer's eyes right now and taking any time off right now is going to have a lasting negative effect on the initial impressions of you as an employee. They're not going to take you seriously as a person or an employee and this may affect your chances of future advancement if that's something you may be interested in down the road (or references for future employers at the very least). Don't give her that power over you. She's not worth it.

Are you going to be distracted at work for a while? Sure. Is your work quality going to be temporarily affected for a bit? Maybe... but not as much as it would be if you just didn't go.

Take some time for yourself on your days off. Meditate, do yoga, see a comedy film, go out and explore the city or town where you live as a tourist with camera in tow. Whatever. Just do something for you that you wouldn't normally do (or that you haven't had a chance to do lately) and remember the importance of self-care.

Eventually this is going to turn into one of those stories you look back on and regale your friends with over drinks or Ben and Jerry's. Until that time comes, you just take care of you. The rest will take care of itself.

[Teddybear]

First off let me say that if I step on any toes with my response I'm sorry.

Anaisninja I think she did a WONDERFUL thing. I know it hurts but she opened the door for the love you want and deserve.

Know that she realized that you ARE better then she deserves or will ever be able to have. I hope you realize that she has a self esteem issue about herself and NOT you.

Thank your lucky stars she left before taking your money, your heart or your LIFE !!

Grab your boot straps and dust yourself off knowing that the ONE that is right for you is looking for you just as you are looking for her. Know that love grows so prepare the soil for the seed.

Good luck

[*Anya*]

Oh Anais,

I, too, wish I could hug you right now. I am sending you a virtual hug.

We always think it is somehow our fault if something like you experienced happens. She could have had a family emergency, she could have developed an awful virus that caused her to have an urgent need to go to the bathroom or she could have realized that you two were not a match.

Regardless: she handled it about as badly as a human being could handle it. Instead of talking to you, face-to-face like someone with a backbone would do-she cowardly got in her truck and left.

It is difficult to not feel rejected because how she handled whatever the hell was her issue; was thrown in your lap. Our self-esteem feels pulverized.

This was her. All her. It may have had zero to do with you. That little nagging self-doubt about ourselves can grow into a mountain if we feel rejected or humiliated.

Try as best as you can to look at this as though you dodged a big bullet. Just imagine dating or living with someone that runs away, instead of communicates.

You are at the beginning of the dating world. Truly, one has to kiss a lot of frogs to find our (butch) princess or prince.

Dry your tears, realize that this is on her, change your dating strategy ( meet them somewhere for coffee or tea first, separate cars if either of you can tell it won't work-just tell them when you sense no chemistry and tell them it was nice to meet them).

Please do go to work.

It gives you something concrete to hold onto right now while you are realizing that you did nothing wrong-she did.

Take care of yourself.

You are worthy.

You will find love.

[princessbelle]

I know it is earth shattering today. But, in the big picture, it will be a slight memory. Please make the decision to not let anyone determine your self worth. Dig deep and become familiar with the person you are, dig so deep that you love yourself without relying on anything or anyone around you to dictate one single thing about the person you are.

Take a breath, you will be fine. Move on and don't dwell on their problems and don't make them yours.

I know it stings but smile and go on into work and love yourself. Loving yourself is honestly the only unconditional love there is. Good luck to you and a huge hug sent your way.

[starryeyes]

I have had this happen to me, so I know what you are going through... It isn't about you it's about her. Use this as an opportunity to make yourself a better person. Look at why you picked a partner with this potential, dig deep to see why you are attracted to people who have these tendencies. Has it happened before? In my case when I stepped back, I saw my pattern and I am working on me. I am so much happier and becoming much more healthier. Therapy is a good thing and can really help you recognize what's going on.

[MysticOceansFL]

Sorry that happened to you dear young lady, Just put that person in your past , continue with your job , it will seem hard at first but over time it will get better, an Just to let you know I'm sure it had nothing to do with you , it appears that person was afraid or who knows what for sure , cant go around judging people cause they are going through different situations but just focus on you! and everything else will fall into place!

Wishing you well stay calm! Look ahead cause the light is at the end of the tunnel!





I don't even know where to put this post.

(And for the first time since I joined this forum, the chat room is not working tonight.)

The woman I thought liked me, went up to move her truck and never came back.

On our date.

I feel... like I've just been stabbed. Like there is something deeply, terribly wrong with me. Like I'm not worth loving. Or even fucking.

This has never happened to me. No one has ever treated me this way. Except for the woman in Illinois. So that is twice in 2 weeks now.

For a split second, when she went to go move her truck, I thought - if she doesn't come back I'm going to quit my job and leave the state. But I didn't believe it. I didn't believe a person could be so cruel. But then, she never came back.

Maybe this is a message from the Universe. I can't go to work tomorrow, even though it's my 3rd day on the job. That's it. I give up. I'm done.

[Liam]

I'm sorry this happened to you, Anais. It really isn't about you; and work has been a wonderful place for me to be, while dealing/healing with/from feelings and emotions around loss, betrayal, and rejection. Don't give up!

[anaisninja]

Hi, someone stayed with me overnight so I wasn't alone. I'm safe, but I feel shitty. This is going to take some time to process. I appreciate your kind words.

[QueenofSmirks]

Anais, I can imagine how horrible this must have felt. I'm glad you got through the evening and feel a little more grounded today, although I understand that this might sting for awhile.

This is in no way a judgment, but I'm curious about something in your post... you said, "For a split second, when she went to go move her truck, I thought - if she doesn't come back I'm going to quit my job and leave the state."

What led you to think at *that* moment, when she got up, that she might not come back? Was the date not going well? I only ask because if you had any inclination that she might not come back, then subconsciously, or perhaps even consciously, you already knew this probably wasn't going to work out or that the connection you were hoping for wasn't there -- and I mean that in a positive way, to point out that, although it hurts, your instincts were spot on.

I know it can take some time to rebound from something like this - give yourself the time to do so, and then get back out there and give yourself another opportunity to find someone wonderful.

[Queenie]

I don't even know where to put this post.

(And for the first time since I joined this forum, the chat room is not working tonight.)

The woman I thought liked me, went up to move her truck and never came back.

On our date.

I feel... like I've just been stabbed. Like there is something deeply, terribly wrong with me. Like I'm not worth loving. Or even fucking.

This has never happened to me. No one has ever treated me this way. Except for the woman in Illinois. So that is twice in 2 weeks now.

For a split second, when she went to go move her truck, I thought - if she doesn't come back I'm going to quit my job and leave the state. But I didn't believe it. I didn't believe a person could be so cruel. But then, she never came back.

Maybe this is a message from the Universe. I can't go to work tomorrow, even though it's my 3rd day on the job. That's it. I give up. I'm done.


I'm so very sorry, sweetie. I know how you are feeling.

This happened to me years ago. I met someone online we started to talk, we realized we lived in the same city. So, we met up later that evening. Hy picked me up at my house and I just knew that it wasn't going to be a good date. He took me to a movie. I could feel from the way hy looked at me that hy found me to be ugly and tooo shy. So, me knowing this made the whole date even worse. I just wanted to leave, but I couldn't as hy drove. Right after the movie ended, hy got a phone call and told me hy had to leave as something had happen. Hy drove me home as fast as hy could. I got out of the car and that was it hy drove off. I never heard from hym again.
It was so gut-wrenching. I wanted to crawl into a little ball and die!!!!! It had to be the worst date I have ever had.
But time went on and I ended up going on a really lovely date with a sweet ftm. I will always remember when I opened the door and he smiled and told me, ''Oh good you are cute!''
So, it will get better it just might take time as most things do take time.
Hang in there, sweetie! xxxooo

[Ms. Tabitha]

Good Heavens, I'm sorry this happened to you but, don't take it personal, it seems they just saved you a lot of heartache and drama that could have been even worse in time.

Don't let something like this break your spirit and ruin your new job and destroy your self esteem, that is a knee jerk reaction.
There are people that enter your life and leave an impression, some good, some bad.
Try not to take it personal (easier said than done) and realize that some people just are not as they seem.
Hang in there :bunchflowers:

[anaisninja]

Anais, I can imagine how horrible this must have felt. I'm glad you got through the evening and feel a little more grounded today, although I understand that this might sting for awhile.

This is in no way a judgment, but I'm curious about something in your post... you said, "For a split second, when she went to go move her truck, I thought - if she doesn't come back I'm going to quit my job and leave the state."

What led you to think at *that* moment, when she got up, that she might not come back? Was the date not going well? I only ask because if you had any inclination that she might not come back, then subconsciously, or perhaps even consciously, you already knew this probably wasn't going to work out or that the connection you were hoping for wasn't there -- and I mean that in a positive way, to point out that, although it hurts, your instincts were spot on.

I know it can take some time to rebound from something like this - give yourself the time to do so, and then get back out there and give yourself another opportunity to find someone wonderful.



You're right. The date was not going well. But I couldn't tell why, and she wouldn't say. It was our 3rd date. The first one was a very nice dinner. On the second date, we became intimate and she seemed very passionate and enthusiastic. (I posted about it elsewhere.) When we were texting about date number three, she seemed very enthusiastic about it, up until the time she got here. I honestly have no clue what happened because she left without telling me.

[anaisninja]

I feel your pain and your confusion...i wish i could hug you!

You see, i had the same thing happen...but i had been living with him for six months. I lived with him in Oregon, and we decided to move back to California for awhile and were staying with his Mom until we found a place. We went to dinner at my Dad's house, and he excused himself to get some tums out of his truck.

He never came back.

I ran up and down the street, and around the corner to the store (no cell phones then), and when he wasn't laying dead somewhere i called his Mom. I told her that the least he could do was bring my luggage to my Dad's and leave it in the driveway. He did, and i didn't see him again until he brought my car from Oregon...he wanted to "talk it out", and i told him to fuck off.

I already had trust and abandonment issues, and i gotta tell you i was at the point where i had relationship issues for a very long time...but my wife finally broke through.

Please remember that it is smethng lacking in their very soul, and it is not you.

God bless

Miss Tinkerbelle - what happened to you was even more horrible than what happened to me. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. And now - as much as it pains me - I can say that I fully understand how you must've felt.

What is wrong with people? I don't understand what's happening. I am usually very prudent about who I let into my life, and have always thought I was a good judge of character. It's only been since I've been pursuing women and getting my heart involved that my judgment appears to have been screwy. I don't want to give up on this or get bitter. But the idea of putting myself out there, making myself vulnerable, and going through something like last night again just makes me feel sick to my stomach. I need some time to sort this out.

[*Anya*]

What is wrong with people? I don't understand what's happening. I am usually very prudent about who I let into my life, and have always thought I was a good judge of character. It's only been since I've been pursuing women and getting my heart involved that my judgment appears to have been screwy. I don't want to give up on this or get bitter. But the idea of putting myself out there, making myself vulnerable, and going through something like last night again just makes me feel sick to my stomach. I need some time to sort this out.

You do need time to sort it out and to process it.

Men or women-everyone is just human and we are all fucked up in our own way.

We all have had our heart broken at one time or another. In time, you take the good from the experience and leave the rest.

Maybe you thought that dating women would be different from men?

Again, we are just human beings doing our best to get through this world. Women are no more perfect or less likely to hurt another than are men.

I think that there are not a lot of people in this world that deliberately try to hurt another. Sometimes we just react first and think later.

It is just like riding a bike. When you have healed from this, get back on the dating bike.

There are tons of good people out there. You just met a couple of perhaps not-so-good ones.

I am sure these are just words to you now but in a month or two, you will look back on this and it will already be in your rear-view mirror.

[anaisninja]

I'm so very sorry, sweetie. I know how you are feeling.

This happened to me years ago. I met someone online we started to talk, we realized we lived in the same city. So, we met up later that evening. Hy picked me up at my house and I just knew that it wasn't going to be a good date. He took me to a movie. I could feel from the way hy looked at me that hy found me to be ugly and tooo shy. So, me knowing this made the whole date even worse. I just wanted to leave, but I couldn't as hy drove. Right after the movie ended, hy got a phone call and told me hy had to leave as something had happen. Hy drove me home as fast as hy could. I got out of the car and that was it hy drove off. I never heard from hym again.
It was so gut-wrenching. I wanted to crawl into a little ball and die!!!!! It had to be the worst date I have ever had.
But time went on and I ended up going on a really lovely date with a sweet ftm. I will always remember when I opened the door and he smiled and told me, ''Oh good you are cute!''
So, it will get better it just might take time as most things do take time.
Hang in there, sweetie! xxxooo

I'm sorry that happened to you Queenie. And yes, now I can relate to that feeling. I'm glad you found someone who sees all of your beauty. :)

[anaisninja]

I have had this happen to me, so I know what you are going through... It isn't about you it's about her. Use this as an opportunity to make yourself a better person. Look at why you picked a partner with this potential, dig deep to see why you are attracted to people who have these tendencies. Has it happened before? In my case when I stepped back, I saw my pattern and I am working on me. I am so much happier and becoming much more healthier. Therapy is a good thing and can really help you recognize what's going on.

Thanks. I am seeing a therapist. I have been for at least 6 months.

This did happen before. Less than 2 weeks ago, with a different person. Not exactly in the same way. But it was still hurtful and both of these together in such close succession are making me wonder about a lot of things.

[TruTexan]

Thanks. I am seeing a therapist. I have been for at least 6 months.

This did happen before. Less than 2 weeks ago, with a different person. Not exactly in the same way. But it was still hurtful and both of these together in such close succession are making me wonder about a lot of things.

Anais, I would take a look at the choices you made in choosing to date them in the first place..........see if there were any red flags that you might have missed? Maybe, maybe not, but you certainly deserved better than how you were treated. That should tell you a lot about what kind of person they truly were in the first place and that you probably dodged a couple of bullets with those 2. Good luck in your therapy an I hope you are fully healed in no time flat.
therapy works if you work it.

[anaisninja]

Anais, I would take a look at the choices you made in choosing to date them in the first place..........see if there were any red flags that you might have missed? Maybe, maybe not, but you certainly deserved better than how you were treated. That should tell you a lot about what kind of person they truly were in the first place and that you probably dodged a couple of bullets with those 2. Good luck in your therapy an I hope you are fully healed in no time flat.
therapy works if you work it.

They seemed like total opposites. And I chose #2 because she seemed so unlike #1. I am truly stumped by this. Maybe it was me. I'm the common denominator. Maybe I was trying too hard, with both of them.

[lyric]

They seemed like total opposites. And I chose #2 because she seemed so unlike #1. I am truly stumped by this. Maybe it was me. I'm the common denominator. Maybe I was trying too hard, with both of them.

You know, there also might be such a thing as overanalyzing the entire situation. It's definitely possible that you ended up with two duds and there is nothing about YOU as the "common denominator" that factored into your experiences at all. In a package of peanut M&Ms, there are always a few mutant M&Ms in the package. It's possible, isn't it, that you just ended up with two emotional mutants in a row?

What happened to you truly sucks. The person was rude, inconsiderate, and cruel in their actions, and I can't add anything more to what others have said here in that I, too, believe this was about them and their lack of courage and manners rather than being about you or some deficit you may have. You deserved better, and I am crossing my fingers for better luck next time for you. *sending hugs your way

[imperfect_cupcake]

You're right. The date was not going well. But I couldn't tell why, and she wouldn't say. It was our 3rd date. The first one was a very nice dinner. On the second date, we became intimate and she seemed very passionate and enthusiastic. (I posted about it elsewhere.) When we were texting about date number three, she seemed very enthusiastic about it, up until the time she got here. I honestly have no clue what happened because she left without telling me.

When my date left, after we had spent the day with me giving her a tour of oxford, then a lovely dinner then a few hours of sex, then me making her breckfast, I went into the tub before taking her on a walk around the colleges... to find her gone when I got out *RME*

she *did* write me, a few days later, to tell me why she left. In a nut shell she considered me a shameless and possibly diseased whore, that she had tons of money she would have spoiled me with, had I not been such a depraved and unfeeling slut, listed her net worth, then told me she would be happy to be my friend, with god's love. And listed a few ways I coould improve myself.

I was gobsmacked at the letter but laughed and howled and preceeded to pass it around to all my mates for a good chuckle. I waited two days before I ripped her a new arse hole telling her that I'd rather have the care of my slutty depraved whore friends. And to take her vile, judgemental, guilt ridden and lonely god and shove it up her arse. I then blocked every avenue she could get a hold of me through.

i still have both the letter and my response. I contemplate putting it on my blog for entertainment value. I'm tempted. It's funny as fuck.

seriously, people are apaulling in their mentalist muppetry. Beyond bad form. You know she is a twat. What else do you need to know from a twat save they are a twat?

It will make a good dating hell story later, after the ego burn has passed. But sincerely, she's a twat. There is no other reason.

[QueenofSmirks]

You're right. The date was not going well. But I couldn't tell why, and she wouldn't say. It was our 3rd date. The first one was a very nice dinner. On the second date, we became intimate and she seemed very passionate and enthusiastic. (I posted about it elsewhere.) When we were texting about date number three, she seemed very enthusiastic about it, up until the time she got here. I honestly have no clue what happened because she left without telling me.

Ugh, I can sympathize somewhat. Several years ago, I was spending every waking moment on the phone with someone who lived in the next town, and she was very enthusiastic about meeting. Then literally, out of the blue, the day we were going to meet, she said she changed her mind and she thought things were moving too fast. Ok, I get it. I was disappointed but understood. But then she just sort of disappeared. No explanation, no return phone calls. To this day, I still have no idea what happened, or what ever became of her. It hurt at the time, but in hindsight, I'm glad I didn't get any further with the relationship.

In any case... hang in there... it'll get better!

[Girl_On_Fire]

I am so sorry this happened to you. I understand your pain.

A little over 10 years ago, I was in a committed relationship and we had moved in together. We were having problems and we lived in a tiny apartment where we couldn't really get away from each other. She thought it would be a good idea if she spent the weekend at a hotel so we could have some space.

While I was at work, she packed a bag and took a bus out of the state to be with someone she'd been talking to online. The hotel story was just a cover for an elaborate escape she'd apparently had planned for a while.

I didn't find out until 3 days later after I'd filed a missing person's report. While I'm certainly older and wiser now and can see, in hindsight, there were plenty of glaringly-obvious signs, at the time I didn't know any better. I was very innocent and naive and never saw it coming.

I'm not putting either of those character traits on you. I just understand how something like that can be damaging and cause feelings of abandonment and self-doubt. Try not to blame yourself. This woman obviously has issues. She could have talked to you. She could have politely canceled the date if she no longer felt the connection. There was no need to rush out in the middle of a date like that.

Someone who can't even talk to you and try to tell you what's going on or what they perceive is wrong isn't someone you can sustain a healthy relationship with.

You deserve better and better is what's out there waiting for you.

*hugs*

[anaisninja]

I am so sorry this happened to you. I understand your pain.

A little over 10 years ago, I was in a committed relationship and we had moved in together. We were having problems and we lived in a tiny apartment where we couldn't really get away from each other. She thought it would be a good idea if she spent the weekend at a hotel so we could have some space.

While I was at work, she packed a bag and took a bus out of the state to be with someone she'd been talking to online. The hotel story was just a cover for an elaborate escape she'd apparently had planned for a while.

I didn't find out until 3 days later after I'd filed a missing person's report. While I'm certainly older and wiser now and can see, in hindsight, there were plenty of glaringly-obvious signs, at the time I didn't know any better. I was very innocent and naive and never saw it coming.

I'm not putting either of those character traits on you. I just understand how something like that can be damaging and cause feelings of abandonment and self-doubt. Try not to blame yourself. This woman obviously has issues. She could have talked to you. She could have politely canceled the date if she no longer felt the connection. There was no need to rush out in the middle of a date like that.

Someone who can't even talk to you and try to tell you what's going on or what they perceive is wrong isn't someone you can sustain a healthy relationship with.

You deserve better and better is what's out there waiting for you.

*hugs*

Girl on Fire - I'm so sorry that happened to you. The more of you say you've been through something similar, the more aghast I am at people's bad behavior. I was talking about what happened with some of my social work friends tonight. One woman's theory is that we've (the social workers) all been spoiled by being around people like ourselves - kind, caring, touchy-feely, warm - social work types. (I realize this is a generalization. But... we work in the helping profession. We are helpers by nature.) So our perception of what constitutes normal behavior has been skewed.

[imperfect_cupcake]

people that are so afraid of conflict/conflict avoidant that they do this are hell on earth to try to have a grown up discussion with. I do have close friends who are incredibly conflict avoidant but even none of them would stoop to that, so my guess is that she's a *real* charmer to the poor sod that lands her.

You'll learn to screen for more things the longer you are in the pool.

I listen to my instincts now, after 30 years of dating people, 18 of them lezzo. I don't make up excuses for other people's behaviours anymore. but that is something you have to learn, especially if you are of the care-taking sort. I did. I'm very glad I'm a hard-ass now. saves me a huge amount of emotional turmoil and grief and drama and games. :) You'll figure it out. Eventually, after you've picked yourself apart and glued yourself back together enough times and blamed yourself enough, you understand Your Shit and Their Shit and the types of crazy that don't mix with your own. And you call it, much, much faster and without the self flagellation.

:)

ETA: I'm personally a shit date, so I know what I feel comfy with and what I don't. What I couldn't do is not what others would refuse. I don't go for the traditional date stuff, I'd prefer to hang out and act like pirates, drink beer and be rediculous together. Most girls want someone to treat them like a princess for an evening... you'll figure out what trips your switch and what sets your flags going.

[Ginger]

Anaisninja,

Dating is brutal and fun and everything in between. You have to develop a thick skin and yet not lose touch with your softness.

But you know all this, I think.

That person sounds really socially immature.

Her response to the date was such a silly overreaction. So what, you meet someone, and realize you're not into it. Haven't most of us been on both sides of that story? I know I have.

Her response was to make drama out of something that two grownups could have easily handled.

I'm willing to bet if you were in her shoes you would have handled it really differently—in a way that reflects your moral depth and maturity.

She might not have those tools. Her toolbox might be somewhat empty.

She's not whole enough for you.

That's my theory.

I hope you feel better soon.

Ginger

[ProfPacker]

Anaisninja,

I agree with what everyone says. I just wanted to say that I am sorry that this happened to you. As many of have said prior to me, the lack of integrity and honesty coupled with this woman's inability to understand that actions hurt others is unacceptable.

Please do not beat yourself up about this. You did nothing wrong, sometimes we misjudge others and as many said, sometimes we are not honest with ourselves when signs are right in our face.

Heal from this and go on with your life. I agree that forsaking work would be a self destructive act. The goal here is to learn self care.

[Words]

I'm sorry this happened to you.

I DO think you're possibly trying a little too hard and that you could be coming off as being needy. My concern though after having read some of your previous posts - and I won't go into details here because I'm not clear as to the rules regarding quoting material from other threads - is that in your (perfectly understandable) quest to get your new life as a lesbian off the ground, you're putting yourself not only at emotional risk, but also at physical risk. I know that personally, if we were to go on a date and you were to tell me a couple of things that I've read in your previous posts, one thing in particular, I'd definitely be thinking, wow, that was a little reckless and that it would leave doubts in my mind as to whether or not we were further date material (I'll pm you and let you know what I'm referring to.)

Anyway, the best advice that I can give you as someone who came out pretty late herself (40) is, what will be, will be. Yes, you have to do your part in terms of making it happen... but you also have to have faith.

Good luck!

[anaisninja]

I'm sorry this happened to you.

I DO think you're possibly trying a little too hard and that you could be coming off as being needy. My concern though after having read some of your previous posts - and I won't go into details here because I'm not clear as to the rules regarding quoting material from other threads - is that in your (perfectly understandable) quest to get your new life as a lesbian off the ground, you're putting yourself not only at emotional risk, but also at physical risk. I know that personally, if we were to go on a date and you were to tell me a couple of things that I've read in your previous posts, one thing in particular, I'd definitely be thinking, wow, that was a little reckless and that it would leave doubts in my mind as to whether or not we were further date material (I'll pm you and let you know what I'm referring to.)

Anyway, the best advice that I can give you as someone who came out pretty late herself (40) is, what will be, will be. Yes, you have to do your part in terms of making it happen... but you also have to have faith.

Good luck!

Hi Words, I will respond openly to your post because I have nothing to be ashamed of.

The flogging to which you refer in your PM took place at Seattle's Center for Sex-Positive Culture (cspc), during a monthly Women in Kink (WinK) event. All participants in these events are required to complete a new member orientation, which includes all aspects of informed consent. I, and the other two women who were flogged by the practitioner that evening, had complete control over the activities in which we chose to participate. In addition, a volunteer monitored the room to ensure that we were all safe and sound.

While I agree that, insofar as dating is concerned, I may have been trying too hard to please the woman in question, whether or not I choose to participate consensually in BDSM seems irrelevant.

ETA...

Also, I'm not in the habit of blurting out personal details about my love life in my day-to-day life. My real-world friends know me as a low key, friendly, nurturing, no-drama, easy-going person. I joined this site *specifically* so that I could be completely open in a safe space about the confusing life transition I find myself undergoing. I intend to continue doing so, whether or not others approve.

[Words]

Hi Words, I will respond openly to your post because I have nothing to be ashamed of.

The flogging to which you refer in your PM took place at Seattle's Center for Sex-Positive Culture (cspc), during a monthly Women in Kink (WinK) event. All participants in these events are required to complete a new member orientation, which includes all aspects of informed consent. I, and the other two women who were flogged by the practitioner that evening, had complete control over the activities in which we chose to participate. In addition, a volunteer monitored the room to ensure that we were all safe and sound.

While I agree that, insofar as dating is concerned, I may have been trying too hard to please the woman in question, whether or not I choose to participate consensually in BDSM seems irrelevant.

ETA...

Also, I'm not in the habit of blurting out personal details about my love life in my day-to-day life. My real-world friends know me as a low key, friendly, nurturing, no-drama, easy-going person. I joined this site *specifically* so that I could be completely open in a safe space about the confusing life transition I find myself undergoing. I intend to continue doing so, whether or not others approve.

I don't know why you're being so defensive. I was merely pointing out, having read several of your other posts, all of which point to the fact that you have only recently come out, that it's wise to be cautious when interacting with people you don't know, even women. (I'm a submissive masochist myself, so believe me, I would be the last person to judge for you engaging in BDSM. On the contrary, more power to you.)

Anyway, my bad for caring.

Words

[imperfect_cupcake]

Also, I'm not in the habit of blurting out personal details about my love life in my day-to-day life. My real-world friends know me as a low key, friendly, nurturing, no-drama, easy-going person. I joined this site *specifically* so that I could be completely open in a safe space about the confusing life transition I find myself undergoing. I intend to continue doing so, whether or not others approve.

Hey, I just wanted to point out something that important. This IS NOT a safe space. Your ideas, beliefs and understandings will be challenged. People can be upsetting and challenging and occasionally offensive. I know I'm offensive. I'm pretty ok with that. I don't have any intention to offend, but there are too many cultural differences around for me to care take to peoples differing ideas about what constitutes offense. Plus I just spent 10 years in London where offense is just considered something shruggable or you engage with the person to come to an understanding. Or you tell them to fack off. Lol

But this is not a safe space. This is public internet. This is readable by the public. And anyone may respond.

Also, just as a word to the wise, I've been out in kink for 18 years (longer if you count the straight kink) I'm a sub (with history of being a domme and being a pro-domme) I personally would not trust any volunteer to keep me safe and sound. My safety is my responsibility, full stop. That means understanding my environment, understanding my agreements and understanding the risks I am taking. And there are *always* risks! even if there is a dungeon mistress scouting the joint.

However, I personally did not learn that till things Went Horribly Wrong because I wanted, very badly, to trust people and to put my responsibility into other peoples hands.

I know you probably won't understand it just yet, but at some point you will. I think this is This is what words was talking about. That's all.

[anaisninja]

Hey, I just wanted to point out something that important. This IS NOT a safe space. Your ideas, beliefs and understandings will be challenged. People can be upsetting and challenging and occasionally offensive. I know I'm offensive. I'm pretty ok with that. I don't have any intention to offend, but there are too many cultural differences around for me to care take to peoples differing ideas about what constitutes offense. Plus I just spent 10 years in London where offense is just considered something shruggable or you engage with the person to come to an understanding. Or you tell them to fack off. Lol

But this is not a safe space. This is public internet. This is readable by the public. And anyone may respond.

Also, just as a word to the wise, I've been out in kink for 18 years (longer if you count the straight kink) I'm a sub (with history of being a domme and being a pro-domme) I personally would not trust any volunteer to keep me safe and sound. My safety is my responsibility, full stop. That means understanding my environment, understanding my agreements and understanding the risks I am taking. And there are *always* risks! even if there is a dungeon mistress scouting the joint.

However, I personally did not learn that till things Went Horribly Wrong because I wanted, very badly, to trust people and to put my responsibility into other peoples hands.

I know you probably won't understand it just yet, but at some point you will. I think this is This is what words was talking about. That's all.

I get that this is the internet. I get that there are people who will express their opinions on what I post, including opinions that read as condescending, judgmental, and shaming. People are free to do that on a public forum.

I am also free to set limits and to stand up for myself. The insinuation that, because I participate in the local sex positive culture, it somehow impairs my judgment when it comes to dating, is in my opinion, part of the problem with the patriarchy and not part of the solution.

As I said before, those involved with the CSPC emphasize individual agency, boundaries, self determination, after care and informed consent. The CSPC has and enforces a strict no-means-no policy. I don't know how else to say it. Here is a link to their site: http://thecspc.org/about-us. It has been around for 15 years. I doubt it would still exist if they allowed scenes to get out of hand and people to get injured mentally or physically.

I would ask that folks make an effort to learn more about the CSPC before passing judgment on it and its members.

[Words]

The insinuation that, because I participate in the local sex positive culture, it somehow impairs my judgment when it comes to dating, is in my opinion, part of the problem with the patriarchy and not part of the solution.

Okay, since it's forbidden to post quotes from private messages or other threads, then I'm not really in a position to prove that what you're trying to do here is absolute bullshit. I am however going to make sure that one of the mods reads my message to you AND your response. Just saying.

Words

[nycfem]

MODERATION

From this point forward, please no more references to private messages or posts from other threads, and any 1:1 personal conflict should not be played out on the thread. Please also review and reflect on the "Intolerance" section of the TOS before posting.

[imperfect_cupcake]

You aren't getting what I'm saying. I know about the cspc. I know of many different BDSM community learning and play spaces for women and gender queer. I volunteered for some.
I'm going to stop because I don't thing you are going to get what my intension or information is. One day you will.

[DapperButch]

Also, I'm not in the habit of blurting out personal details about my love life in my day-to-day life. My real-world friends know me as a low key, friendly, nurturing, no-drama, easy-going person. I joined this site *specifically* so that I could be completely open in a safe space about the confusing life transition I find myself undergoing. I intend to continue doing so, whether or not others approve.

I get the idea of wanting to write things here that you may not share with others IRL.

There isn't anything I have written on BFP/other sites that I wouldn't share with a friend or two, but I don't want to lose control over who does know about my personal life, if I can help it. I have managed this by not posting my picture -EVER- in the 18 or so years I have been on forums such as these.

My suggestion to you is that you remove your pictures so that you can remain as anonymous as possible.

The last couple of years I have toyed with the idea of putting up my picture, since I have gotten to know people better and I want them to "see" who I am, so to speak. I feel almost guilty for not having it up, while others share freely their happy smiles (or the moody, dark look the masculine folks try to pull off...ha!)

Anyway, if you are serious about remaining separate from your "real life", then I would suggest taking them down. If someone sees your picture and then has your screen name, they can read all your posts.