Living Apart, Together (LAT) A Support Thread

[imperfect_cupcake]

This thread is for those in or interested in living apart, together only

"Living apart, together
0ver two million Canadians, many 45/50 plus, are saying no to cohabitation and marriage"

(there will be a much higher figure on the new long form census now that it's recognized as a valid romantic partnership commitment)


"For many couples, moving in together is the key step that transitions them from a dating relationship to a long-term committed partnership. However, a small but growing minority of long-term couples in countries like the Britain, Sweden, and Canada are forgoing cohabitation entirely, preferring to keep their separate homes. This phenomenon is referred to as "living apart together," or LAT."

This getting reported in quite ages articles these days, happily. As people over a certain age with adult kids or near adult kids comsider the hard work of re-establishing yourself after divorce, and wanting to keep your independance while committing to another.

I'm really glad this is being recognized as a valid, loving and committed partnership. And many of my friends are in long term LATs.

For those who *would* find it ideal, what would be the dream set up?

I have two in mind myself...

[Triffid]

I seem to have trouble getting past the term, 'booty call 'when discussing this. I know some elder people who were better living apart and still being married and committed to each other after being in the same house raising kids etc for years. To them it was more about keeping vows and not pulling out an axe like Jack in The Shining. The one benefit I can see to not moving in together is keeping that infant relationship feeling of always wanting to be together going longer. That lusting thing. But in my humble opinion, a relationship like that isn't capable of moving forward past a certain point. In the other case of having lived together first then deciding to Lat, to me that just cries we want the sex, but we don't like your living habits. Hence the term booty call. Which leads eventually to the friend zone if one or both parties decide they don't want the intimacy anymore. I guess maybe it depends on whether you are in the canoe with both feet or half in seeing if the other person will capsize you.

[Gemme]

"Living apart, together
0ver two million Canadians, many 45/50 plus, are saying no to cohabitation and marriage"

(there will be a much higher figure on the new long form census now that it's recognized as a valid romantic partnership commitment)


"For many couples, moving in together is the key step that transitions them from a dating relationship to a long-term committed partnership. However, a small but growing minority of long-term couples in countries like the Britain, Sweden, and Canada are forgoing cohabitation entirely, preferring to keep their separate homes. This phenomenon is referred to as "living apart together," or LAT."

This getting reported in quite ages articles these days, happily. As people over a certain age with adult kids or near adult kids comsider the hard work of re-establishing yourself after divorce, and wanting to keep your independance while committing to another.

I'm really glad this is being recognized as a valid, loving and committed partnership. And many of my friends are in long term LATs.

For those who *would* find it ideal, what would be the dream set up?

I have two in mind myself...

My dad and stepmom did this for around 30 years before she passed. It was ideal for both of them. They each had their own space so there were no arguments about who was too neat or messy and they lived close to one another so she would cook for him and he'd fix her broken stuff. She didn't want any pets and my dad had a Chow, who are very possessive of one owner, so that worked out well too. They were very stereotypical except for the separate households.

I don't spend much time thinking about the 'ideal' set up but I do like this arrangement. At first, they lived a few blocks from one another and then they moved to an area where they could each have their own abode two doors down from one another. I think that might work best for me; within walking distance but not up my ass.

[cinnamongrrl]

I thought I was atypical in liking this living situation. Don't get me wrong, I don't like sleeping alone all the time. But having your own space has its merits...

I'm with the Canadians!

[Orema]

Thanks for starting this thread, ICC. :)

I've decided living apart is the only way for me.

As I've written elsewhere on the planet, my dream scenario is for us to live on different sides of the park, lake, mountain, or city. I'm at my place for a few days, we're at hys place for a few days, then we're off on our own for a few days. Hy can keep some of hys things at my place to make things easier. This arrangement would be in a monogamous and exclusive relationship. We just wouldn't live together.

I've had one real-time relationship where this has worked well. A butch I was seeing lived down the street. We broke up for other reasons. I have also met people online who were not interested in meeting if living together wasn't an option at some point. I'm cool with that. I like people who know what will and will not work for them.

And for me, it has nothing to do with absence making the heart grow fonder. It's just what I need to feel good about myself.

I know this way of living isn't for everyone, but it works for me.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I seem to have trouble getting past the term, 'booty call 'when discussing this. I know some elder people who were better living apart and still being married and committed to each other after being in the same house raising kids etc for years. To them it was more about keeping vows and not pulling out an axe like Jack in The Shining. The one benefit I can see to not moving in together is keeping that infant relationship feeling of always wanting to be together going longer. That lusting thing. But in my humble opinion, a relationship like that isn't capable of moving forward past a certain point. In the other case of having lived together first then deciding to Lat, to me that just cries we want the sex, but we don't like your living habits. Hence the term booty call. Which leads eventually to the friend zone if one or both parties decide they don't want the intimacy anymore. I guess maybe it depends on whether you are in the canoe with both feet or half in seeing if the other person will capsize you.

Sorry you are having trouble... If you are someone INTO the dynamic, what would be your ideal set up?

If you aren't there are actually oodles of places to say that it's not a real committed relationship or there's something lacking. Maybe you can go have that particular conversation there?

[job]

Personally, I like the idea. I have a lot of ocd tendencies and I like my stuff a certain way. Plus, let's face it, no matter how much you love someone, sometimes you need some time apart. When I was with my last girlfriend, I would leave for a week at a time just to get some destress time. Of course, she wasn't happy about it. I had suggested that we stop living together and she'd absolutely refused. I think if we had not lived together, we would have been much happier. We still would have split up, but I think it would have lasted longer and not had so much drama at the end.
Perfect scenario for me: A long term mostly monogamous relationship with someone who I would consider to be my best friend, living a few miles or so apart. (Mostly monogamous for me means monogamous with some negotiable freaky shit on the side. But, that's another subject.)

[imperfect_cupcake]

Well, I've always enjoyed long term relationships in my 20s in the same neighbourhood as myself. I never had to live with anyone because they were within walking distance. I could see them every day if I wanted and often did. But never spent every night with them. I always had my own room in a shared house with friends to return to.

It was only when I moved to dyke reslationships that the expectation to live together no matter what came into play.

My flatmate now is married, has been for 8 years. Her wife lives within 20 min walking distance. They spend 5 out of seven nights together. Neither have a car.

Ideally, I'd like to live in the same apartment building, but different floor.
They have their place the way they like, set to it as they see fit. I do the same for mine. I'm not their house wife, they aren't responsible for fixing stuff in my flat or cooking for me.

But we are close enough to pop over for meals, sleep overs, coffee, and keeping seperate space isn't a pain of tracking back and forth. I'm not on the same floor so I don't have to worry I don't have me space where I can't go to the corner store withut her making a mental note of it or can ask me who my friend was at my door at 10pm last night. I like having my girl mates over for cocktails. I don't like people keeping tabs on me when I do or not. I like my me time to be mine and not for the scrutiny of partners. Way too many controlling partners in my past.

I also wouldn't mind if they had a house in the country, maybe up to 90 minutes away. That's way we both have a vacation home from our lives best lived. I have long weekends in the woods, she has long weekends of world cuisine, busy sidewalk cafes, burlesque, alternative markets, queer events, alternative cinema, museums and lectures. A city break of big urban fayre.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I personally don't think it has anything to do with monogamy or not. I'm personally happy with monogamy (I was married monogamously), monogamish (negotiated exceptions - this has been the majority of my long term relationships), being in a polyfidelity triad (all sexually active with each other and no one else. Been in two of these and I enjoyed them), or being in a polyamorous relationship where I am the primary partner (bit tough for me but I think with the right person I could negotiate it).

What is important to me is my space. My feeling of having a place where I don't have to look after someone, I don't have to oblige anyone, my rules are what govern my space, no one watches my every move from brushing my teeth to what I eat for dinner, and I can ask anyone to leave. Or have a friend or family member over at any time. I don't have to ask if I can put a painting up.

Autonomy. It's so incredibly important to me. I cherish it. My space is a reflexion of this.

[MsTinkerbelly]

I love living with my wife, but should I ever be single I would never live with anyone again.

I love my alone time...love having everything in it's place...love eating whatever the heck I choose for my meals. I know that after so many years living with an adult partner I might be lonely at times, but oh how lovely to have silence when I want silence.

Living in the same town would be fine, but I would prefer next time for it to be 3-5 hours distance so time together would need to be planned.

I bet you're surprised! :byebye:

[Nattih]

I would like to live in the same house but maintain different rooms. I think being able to have alone time regularly is healthy for me, but I don't want two different houses for financial and familial reasons. I'd rather us not maintain two different rents or mortgages in the same city. And the familial reason is that I might want kids in the future, so that necessitates living in the same home.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Of course. If you are running a farm together or you both love raising and caring for rescue dogs or you want to raise kids (though my parents did it separately and most of my friends do as well) and cohabitation is wanted.

many people have their own room in a larger house. Their own den or craft room.

I can afford my own place. I'll share with flat mates till I can. All I want is a little apartment of my own. The mortgage for that is very reasonable where I live. I'll even be happy wth a studio apt if it's set up exactly as I like. My friends with kids who keep seperate homes have small two bedroom apartments, some with bunk beds.

If you want a four bedroom house, then no, two places isn't feasible.

But this is Living *Apart* in a committed relationship. Most of us who want LAT, have no desire to live in a big family home, nor any reason to. Or they are 65 and paid it off.

LAT sees being seperate as a non-negotiable. I'd rather pay an extra 300 a month for my own studio and be independant in a place I want to live than have a bigger house in a cheaper area and have to share my space.

These are not unreasonable for someone who *wants* and *desires* a LAT relationship.
And that's what I'm asking - for those who *want* an LAT - what kind of scenario would your ideal be.

[Nattih]

OK. I see maintaing separate living quarters within the same familial home as living apart but together, plus personally relevant to what I want as a 20-something looking to marry and have kids within a "spaced" relationship (as I call it.)

But I can see how that is different than what you are mentioning :)

[imperfect_cupcake]

Like in the opening post, *most* (tho not all) people who desire LAT are 40+ and are not starting families. Most have been married once or have had at least one very long term committed live in relationship already. Many whom have kids, those kids are adults now or are at least past the point of baby sitter, and not looking for another parent for their kid.

Most people I know in their 20s and early 30s want to live with a partner. Most LATs that I personally know of are 40+, or they are 30+, don't want kids, and after trying to live with people romantically they find it doesn't work for them.

Living apart, together. Not living together with seperate personal space rooms. You still have most of the same issues LATs don't wish to deal with anymore.

So, back on topic...

If you do have an LAT, what things have you modified to help others take your relationship seriously? Public ceremony? Rings?

Or are you past giving a toss about what others may think although it's semi regularly annoying to explain.

What things about LAT that you are really happy and relieved abut that you think makes this kind of relationship more successful than previous ones with shared living?

[betruetoyoursoul]

....My preference is living together based on the past...I loved the every day sharing , cuddling, being flirty and silly in the kitchen together ...though we had natural private times in the house as well...There is room enough when we could just be doing our own thing yet in the same dwelling....I have done both....Whatever works for people*S is the important thing....

[imperfect_cupcake]

OK. I see maintaing separate living quarters within the same familial home as living apart but together, plus personally relevant to what I want as a 20-something looking to marry and have kids within a "spaced" relationship (as I call it.)

But I can see how that is different than what you are mentioning :)

I may have misunderstood- you said room. But now you say living quarters...

If you lived in a seperate suite with your own kitchen and bathroom and entrance in a multi dwelling home, then yes, I would consider that LAT - you'd have you r own bills and your own address and your own taxes.

I miss took having your own rooms as in "I have my own bedroom" or some other personal space room. Please excuse if you meant seperate living quarters (seperate suite).

[imperfect_cupcake]

....My preference is living together based on the past...I loved the every day sharing , cuddling, being flirty and silly in the kitchen together ...though we had natural private times in the house as well...There is room enough when we could just be doing our own thing yet in the same dwelling....I have done both....Whatever works for people*S is the important thing....


Thanks.

If you are interested in HAVING or HAVE an LAT, please join in.

If y u aren't, this thread will be swamped with the majority of non-LAT telling me their opinions on LAT and how it could never work for them. I didn't ask for people's opinions on LAT, I'm asking, very clearly for those interested to please chime in.

I'm just trying to find some like minded folk around LATs. thank you very much for understanding.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Here is a new film, a documentary, being made by a friend of a friend.
It's called "Apartners" which I believe is also a new term for it. She says on her film site that 25% of all couples in North America have their own room (common) and that 10% of all couples in North America prefer to live apart (that's the old gayer stats no? Maybe more will come out!)

Anyway, here's a link to her film website

http://apartnersthemovie.com/HOME.html

[betruetoyoursoul]

.... My humble apologies...

Thanks.

If you are interested in HAVING or HAVE an LAT, please join in.

If y u aren't, this thread will be swamped with the majority of non-LAT telling me their opinions on LAT and how it could never work for them. I didn't ask for people's opinions on LAT, I'm asking, very clearly for those interested to please chime in.

I'm just trying to find some like minded folk around LATs. thank you very much for understanding.

[MysticOceansFL]

I prefer living with my partner but while your dating rather it be the same town or Ldr's living apart is fine but at some point both people will want to take it to the next level at some point and living together just seems natural too me.

[C0LLETTE]

I wonder how many "apartners" have children, particularly young ones.

Living apart is sometimes a choice for those with children because they realise how difficult or disruptive introducing an "outsider" (with or without their own children ) can be...so they choose to wait.

Also, I have found that partners without children of their own often have difficulty finding their place in such a "family" . My own experience is that successful "step parenting" is a very particular and somewhat rare skill and can be far more difficult than parenting. and the introduction of the new partner often leads to the parent finding themselves in the middle of an unhappy series of conflicts which they sometimes resolve by splitting up or simply living apartnered till the children are no longer dependants.

Without generalising too too much:

When you're Young there can be many choices: if not this one, maybe the next one...you don't have that much stuff to move anyway.

In the Middle there can be many complexities and you better hope you've figured out who you are and, equally, who that other person is...particularly if you have responsibilities beyond yourself; or one day you lost your mind and opened a joint bank account, and, more importantly, you lost the allen key for your Ikea furniture.

In the Older Years, you are far better off partnering up even if it isn't made in Heaven cause there's nothing worse than lying on the kitchen floor just out of reach of your Panic Bracelet with your hungry Chihuahua starting to chew your leg off.

Personally, I'd pick a live-in partner with a sense of humour over the kids any day.

Mommy's joking, Honey xoxoxoxoxoxo

[easygoingfemme]

My last relationship was like this. We were together for three years. Living in different towns, each of us with our kids at home. We shared a house most weekends, and went our own way during the week. In many ways, it worked for us- like each of us liking/needing to have our own space for our own personalities, too many kids to merge and no desire to uproot them either, and in other ways it was hard. We didn't live close enough to each other to be able to meet up mid-week or something if one of us was in need- having a hard time. That kind of thing.

[girlin2une]

I have always made my kids priority while considering dating, because they are just that... my priority.
That being said, I am open to what the universe has for me... if that means a long distance relationship, then so be it. I am pretty flexible. I am femme (;)) I would want to co-habitate (when/if the time came). It would be more consistent for any child involved, thus giving everyone involved more stability.
My children will always be part of the package and my potential partner will have to accept it. Hopefully a potential partner will want to incorporate parenting into the mix... because its not always easy being a single parent.

this has been a bit of a ramble... my thoughts were all over the place.

[Gráinne]

I definitely fit 40+, kids almost grown stage and will only consider a LAT. For one thing, I travel a lot, prefer to travel alone, and so from my partner's perspective, it would be like a LAT even if we did live together.

I love having my home reflect who I am, and don't want to "blend".

If I want cornflakes for dinner in my PJ's over the sink, so be it. Got a sudden urge to rearrange my room at 3AM, I could do so. Spend the day writing? I could do so without feeling I was neglecting someone.

One advantage to getting older is that you just don't give a damn what anyone else thinks about your relationship, so I (if I were in one) wouldn't care what it looks like, booty call or not. What someone else thinks of me is none of my business.

As for the scenario of injuring myself far from a phone, there are little necklaces with a panic button on them that alerts 911.

As a side note, what interests me on a sociological level is how quickly lesbian or gay couples move in together vs. heterosexual couples. I know there are a lot of variables, but while I personally don't know of many unmarried yet committed heterosexual couples who live together, it seems to be a "goal" for many in same-sex relationships.

[nycfem]

Hi folks, this is a support thread for LATs and those that are interested, not a place for people to post that they don't want LAT. We will be changing the title of the thread so that it is more clear.

Jennifer, Mod

[imperfect_cupcake]

Thanks :)

I should have been clearer.

So, what things have you done in previous LATs or one you are in now, or things you will take forward into the next one to help it run smoothly? There are oodles of tips on how to live together, lots on ldrs, but not quite much out there for LATs.

I guess the main point for me has been how much stuff of you partner's/spouse do you want at your space and vice versa? And how many days together to spend in a row?

[Orema]

Like Gráinne, I really like my home and don't want to blend with someone else. It takes me a long time to fully decorate a home. I've been here for years and still have a bare wall or two because I haven't found or created what I want. Whatever the case, I'd rather have a bare wall than to have something there that isn't what I really want. That's a small quirk, but I dont' want to compromise my small quirks if I don't have to. And I don't have to when I live on my own.

Like ICC, I don't want to be "responsible" for another in a living situation; I might walk your dog or empty your dishwasher, but it's nothing I'm required or expected to do. But more than that, I like living by myself. I like having a space that I don't have to compromise with anyone.

Apart from now, the last time I lived on my own was in the early 1980s for three years. It was great. I openly dated many people. Sometimes I stayed at their place and sometimes we'd stay at mine. Eventually I started seeing one of those people exclusively and we got married and moved in together.

I'd consider getting married again, maybe, but I won't live with anyone again.

I used to live on 5 acres. I wouldn't mind LAT on 4 or 5 acres. But I would want us to have separate entrances to the grounds so we didn't have to see each other when we aren't together. I want the feeling of separation when we're apart.

[imperfect_cupcake]

As for partner's/spouse's things... I generally have no issue and feel just fine with giving them a night table, one drawer in the dresser, a section of the bedroom closet, and a shelf in the medicine cabinet and keeping some of their favourite snack foods on hand in the cupboard - if they need that much space.

I personally prefer to keep very little of my stuff at theirs. A drawer for relaxed about the house clothes, pjs, travel make up, a change of shoes. And a place in the bathroom for travel toiletry bag to be hung when there (otherwise zipped and in drawer). I like their place to feel like a little holiday place for me with them, rather than another home I have to look after.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I used to live on 5 acres. I wouldn't mind LAT on 4 or 5 acres. But I would want us to have separate entrances to the grounds so we didn't have to see each other when we aren't together. I want the feeling of separation when we're apart.

I've thought about that. I'd love to have a community of tiny houses with about 8-12 people in their own single dwelling abodes. I'd happily partner with someone in that community. But I'd need it to be urban. Hard to find land for that in an urban landscape.

[Violette]

Thank you for this thread. I love the idea of living apart, together. The only time I consented to living with someone is when I got married. I enjoyed it, while the relationship was enjoyable. Honestly, I didn't think I would. We brought a child into our family and it was heartbreaking for all when we went our separate ways. However...

I am back to loving living alone (on the nights I don't have my child). I love it when my child is home (ok, I know that's a given for most people, but for some it's not). We have a family space. I am realizing that I am only willing to share that occasionally with someone else. It's really difficult blending families together. I find it difficult to get what I need when there is only togetherness. I need alone time (and I don't mean just a couple of hours), time alone with my kid, time alone with my partner, some family (kid/partner) time, and some friend time. Then only way that makes sense to me is if me (? I) (too tired to figure proper grammar right now, but it didn't sound right) and my potential partner lived separately.

I have always loved being alone. I need time to myself to rejuvenate and feel like a human again. I love being with people and then I need to be alone. I have yet to be with a partner that truly understands that. Some have understood it on an intellectual level, but on other levels felt hurt that I didn't want to spend all my free time with them.

One of the few things my former partner shared with me as to why she was breaking up with me is that I had told her that I loved the idea of having two houses on the same street. She didn't want that, which is totally fair. She should be with someone who wants to spend every night with her. Ironically, she frequently distanced herself in our relationship. But, that's for another thread... Interestingly, I was willing to forgo what I thought was ideal for me to be with someone I loved so deeply, but now I am all about discovering what truly works for me right now. We all have the right to change our minds, but after what I went through (the struggle of living apart or living together), I come back to wanting to live on my own, with my daughter, and partner with someone who lives elsewhere.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I thnk that's an interesting point though Violette. I don't really want to spend time around people who aren't there. I have better things to do and it's better company on my own. I think people who like to live with others find ways of distancing themselves while sharing the same space. Well, you'd have to or it would drive you mad. I can't do that. It's just not within my skill set. I can do that with roommates, but not romantic partners. If I can disconnect from you in the same house, I don't have feelings for you.
Other people don't really work that way. They can emotionally turn off and on in that sense and I can't. I *need* physical space in order to live and breathe.
I've had a partner that was emotionally quite distant for quite a while and frankly I needed physical space from being around someone who was so emotionally distant. And some time to myself. I was killing myself doing all the house work, all the errands, cooking etc and I needed *space* (me time, separately, in another room, with door closed, no interruptions) when I came in the front door to decompress from fighting with the world before taking on the tasks of the house. So I said I wanted to have my room be the spare room, move my stuff in there but still sleep together in the master bedroom.
Nope. She w I'll take the spare room, then she w under come and sleep in the masterbedroom. Which annoyed me slightly. I wanted the absolute me space but I agreed. She then got quite upset a few weeks later about the physical space, but the emotional distance space is was drove me batty. She was also a very intense person.

I'm an extrovert. I tend to partner with very hermit like and thus very intense introverts who kinda of use me for 30% or more of their emotional needs because they don't like people in general. I can't really take that kind of intensity and yet emotional distance at the same time anymore in terms of living space.

I need my physical territory. I think most people know how to disengage in a way I don't know how. And frankly isn't in me. Although lots of people say they are open to anything in that "rethinking" thread, it's been my expereince that not living together isn't one of those things they will be open about, and it will fall to me to come up with a compramise on my needs... Again.

[Glenn]

Wow... sorry to hear about your lats difficulties and all that. But I do understand. I have the same problems with my ten cats about understanding lats. They are totally against it. I just can't seem to take that final step. I hope you have a lot of fun times, and things to do together, when you all Are finially together, though.:blink:

[QueenofSmirks]

...

If I want cornflakes for dinner in my PJ's over the sink, so be it. Got a sudden urge to rearrange my room at 3AM, I could do so. Spend the day writing? I could do so without feeling I was neglecting someone.

....

I've used similar examples when explaining why I prefer to live alone, but mine include: if I want to drink a pot of coffee at 2am, I can, and I don't have to explain it or defend it to anyone. If I want to eat toast for dinner, I don't have to worry about, or be involved in whatever the other person is going to eat. If I want to turn on the air conditioner when it's 60 degrees outside, I can. Essentially, I want my living space to be my own, and I don't want to have to justify simple actions (like drinking an entire pot of coffee) to anyone, or compromise on having the curtains open or closed, or having a pet or not, or eating breakfast or not, etc. etc. etc. etc..

I enjoy my own company, and I'm extremely self-sufficient, so I'm sure that factors into it. Most people don't get it. Most of us are socialized to find a partner, get married, live together, have kids, etc. I've not big on following social norms, so I'm sure that factors into it as well.

[Chad]

I actually think this plan would work well for me. I love my alone time. I have been in long relationships that were very successful living apart for years but when we moved in together things seem to fall apart.

I am giving this idea two thumbs up.
:thumbsup:

[Gemme]

...*snip* I hope you have a lot of fun times, and things to do together, when you all Are finially together, though.:blink:

This defeats the purpose of a LAT. The destination is not to move in together. A LAT is an anti-cohabitation relationship. There is never a 'finally together' point. The partners live separately in their own spaces but they do love together. It's like dating forever, to put it very simply.

[imperfect_cupcake]

It's the non-domestic form of commitment. I would very happily get married and commit myself fully to one person for the rest of my life in the deepest of respect, love, loyalty and partnership. But I don't want to share my private me time with them. Everyone wants time to themselves. People who wants LATs just need more of it. More control over their home environment and personal space. I'm t doesn't mean they love anyone any less. We love just and deeply, intensely, and desire connection just as much. But we also desire our personal freedoms around our personal space and environment probably a bit more than most.
I literally get mentally ill if I don't have my freedoms and space. All of my colour goes. The world becomes a big box of grey crayons. If you can love a flower for growing on its own bush without needing it to be cut and put in a vase inside your house, where it will wither and die, then you are capable of understanding why some people need LATs.

[Kätzchen]

I definitely like having my own home, my own place. I don't ever foresee giving up my own residence. It's my quiet place where I can retreat from life and take care of me, in ways that add toward feeling good. Especially so, for me, because even though my children are young adults, I want to keep my family life separate from my romantic life. I just feel better when I've got my own place. I'm definitely the type of person who likes living alone, yet apart when dating or in an relationship (together) .

[girl_dee]

I definitely like having my own home, my own place. I don't ever foresee giving up my own residence. It's my quiet place where I can retreat from life and take care of me, in ways that add toward feeling good. Especially so, for me, because even though my children are young adults, I want to keep my family life separate from my romantic life. I just feel better when I've got my own place. I'm definitely the type of person who likes living alone, yet apart when dating or in an relationship (together) .

i totally relate and do this too! i LOVE my family but i don't want them in my personal relationships. And they can get their own friends!

[Teddybear]

In my last relationship we had talked about this and agreed that it could work for us. We laid the ground rules that we both AGREE upon.

It worked for awhile then of course life happened and things changed. I was willing to keep my end of the agreement however she was unable to handle the changes and I totally understand that.

When life throws us a curve sometimes it can be too overwhelming to ask someone to accept that the time you were giving them is now going to be limited. Not that it is what either of you want however you cant stop giving someone undivided attention. It isnt fair.

No matter how i feel about her she deserves more then i can give her now or in the near future. I pray that someone comes along and gives her everything she deserves and then some.

I think this will work best for me in the future if and when I am able to give any time to someone. First my circumstances must change

[homoe]

This thread is for those in or interested in living apart, together only

"Living apart, together
0ver two million Canadians, many 45/50 plus, are saying no to cohabitation and marriage"

(there will be a much higher figure on the new long form census now that it's recognized as a valid romantic partnership commitment)


"For many couples, moving in together is the key step that transitions them from a dating relationship to a long-term committed partnership. However, a small but growing minority of long-term couples in countries like the Britain, Sweden, and Canada are forgoing cohabitation entirely, preferring to keep their separate homes. This phenomenon is referred to as "living apart together," or LAT."

This getting reported in quite ages articles these days, happily. As people over a certain age with adult kids or near adult kids comsider the hard work of re-establishing yourself after divorce, and wanting to keep your independance while committing to another.

I'm really glad this is being recognized as a valid, loving and committed partnership. And many of my friends are in long term LATs.

For those who *would* find it ideal, what would be the dream set up?

I have two in mind myself...

I am rather fussy and more than likely SHOULD live alone, but my whole goal is to find someone to do stuff with, go to movies, travel, etc etc so I don't think this would work well for me.

[girl_dee]

i will admit that my cohabitation attempts, even in a room mate situation have never worked out and i cannot blame the other person, i am not easy to live with. Things were fine until the move in, i am sure it not working out was inevitable, but living together was always a mistake.

i love having my own place, so when i give in and give it up, i am resentful. i can admit this now.

That is NOT to say that i don't want my butch to be in my space as we date or have a relationship, its quite the opposite.

i would love to be able to see my love on the weekends or at least be within a few hours drive so we can enjoy time together.

Its VERY hard in our dating pool to find that person that is also near.

[easygoingfemme]

I was just thinking about this discussion at work yesterday. I manage a women's housing program and my largest unit rents furnished rooms to women in a dorm style living situation at a very low cost. I have three women who are married or partnered but live in the building for "their" space and then they visit their partners on the weekends or when they want to. I think it's brilliant. They all came from living together and knew it wasn't working. They couldn't afford their own full apartment or house, so this came to be a logical and safe solution for them to have a happier life and healthier relationship.

[Kätzchen]

I definitely like having my own home, my own place. I don't ever foresee giving up my own residence. It's my quiet place where I can retreat from life and take care of me, in ways that add toward feeling good. Especially so, for me, because even though my children are young adults, I want to keep my family life separate from my romantic life. I just feel better when I've got my own place. I'm definitely the type of person who likes living alone, yet apart when dating or in an relationship (together) .

i totally relate and do this too! i LOVE my family but i don't want them in my personal relationships. And they can get their own friends!


I'm really glad you bumped this thread, dee, because last spring is when I made my original post (April?).

And I still think that it's a good idea to keep ones romantic life private and separate from family life and even in our circle of fronds or in general. And I also think it's feasible to maintain one's independence in relationship to others.

But....homoe's post showed me a few things about myself that I couldn't see last spring. I too am very particular and probably do well on my own, but I don't think that living on my own, separate from the one I want to share life with, is a going to be a situation that will work for me. So, my thinking was a bit flawed, last spring. I am glad that homoe stated her ideas like she did or I would have never seen the flaw in my thinking.

I don't think living apart/together will be what I want at all. I definitely want to create a life together with the one I want to spend my life and time with..... :rrose:

[homoe]

I had friends back in Milwaukee and they had an extremely creative way of living together apart I must admit!

One owned a HUGE Victorian Style home. When they refurbished it, they used many of the nooks and crannies of the home to incorporate a separate living space, complete with kitchen and bathroom, for the other.


They have been together well over 25 years so it works for them :hangloose:

[Kätzchen]

I had friends back in Milwaukee and they had an extremely creative way of living together apart I must admit!

One owned a HUGE Victorian Style home. When they refurbished it, they used many of the nooks and crannies of the home to incorporate a separate living space, complete with kitchen and bathroom, for the other.


They have been together well over 25 years so it works for them :hangloose:

I had dear friends, an lesbian couple, who created a living arrangement similar to that of living in a very large turn-of-the-century Victorian home, put on the coast. They each had their own bedrooms on different floors, their own bathroom spaces, and of course, various rooms of their own through out the house (the TV room, the craft and sewing room, a shared reading room) and on the main floor of the house was the kitchen and a huge livingroom, shared by both of them.

I miss them...they've both passed on, several years ago, and withing months of each other. They were inseparable, yet separate and individual as an couple who were together for over 45 years.

[Lyte]

What an interesting topic! I'd never heard of LAT. I think I dig the idea! Off to read some more... :koolaid:

[girl_dee]

I was just thinking about this discussion at work yesterday. I manage a women's housing program and my largest unit rents furnished rooms to women in a dorm style living situation at a very low cost. I have three women who are married or partnered but live in the building for "their" space and then they visit their partners on the weekends or when they want to. I think it's brilliant. They all came from living together and knew it wasn't working. They couldn't afford their own full apartment or house, so this came to be a logical and safe solution for them to have a happier life and healthier relationship.


this IS brilliant!

[girl_dee]

I had dear friends, an lesbian couple, who created a living arrangement similar to that of living in a very large turn-of-the-century Victorian home, put on the coast. They each had their own bedrooms on different floors, their own bathroom spaces, and of course, various rooms of their own through out the house (the TV room, the craft and sewing room, a shared reading room) and on the main floor of the house was the kitchen and a huge livingroom, shared by both of them.

I miss them...they've both passed on, several years ago, and withing months of each other. They were inseparable, yet separate and individual as an couple who were together for over 45 years.

this reminds me of a poly household and i absolutely love the idea.

[girl_dee]

where i lived once, there was a middle aged couple that lived down the lane that lived down the street. They would walk daily walks together, hand in hand every evening. Then she would go to her house, and him to his. They lived about a block apart.

i will admit that although i like my dee time, i would want my love cuddling me at night if they were that close! :blush:

[Femmewench]

I don't need to live separate or probably even have my own room. What I do need is "alone time." I've lived alone far longer than with a partner. Sometimes I want to just know I'm alone in my home for a period of time. I'm too practical to justify spending money for a separate alone space off premises.

On those rare occasions when I'd call in sick for a mental health day it made me crazy that my retired spouse was home. I stopped doing it fairly soon after she retired. The effect was totally different with someone home with me.

[AmazonDC]

I think it is important to have ALONE TIME away from your spouse.. weather it's a day spent fishing or doing crafts or just relaxing at home there needs and should be time alone to reflect on yourself and just have you time..

[candy_coated_bitch]

My partner and I live in the same apartment, but have separate bedrooms. I think this helps us tremendously as a couple. We both have our own space that is just ours. It's easy to have alone time. We also sleep apart. I need my own bed, for a lot of reasons, and it just works.

My room is my sanctuary and we end up spending more together time in her room because she's more generous with her space and less of an introvert than I.

So we're a version of living apart together, but we do it under the same roof. I've always liked the idea though of having separate houses and apartments or homes close together.

[Chad]

Sign me up, I need my space.

[homoe]

Sign me up, I need my space.



Chad, do you have enough acres there to build the little woman her very own La Casa if necessary?

[Chad]

Chad, do you have enough acres there to build the little woman her very own La Casa if necessary?

Yes, absolutely.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I would love to go traveling together, going to films together, hanging out and binge watching sci-fi, grocery shop for a fancy night of cooking together, read on the couch together.

but at SOME POINT they go HOME.
Why?

because I like my shit on the floor, my dishes not done, none of their furniture there, and not doing their goddamned laundry.

stay for 2 nights of we get on well enough. Then go home for a couple nights.

This does not prevent me from going out with folks, cuddling with people, going on vacations with people, cooking with people, grocery shopping with people, window shopping with people, buying flowers for the kitchen with people, going to Ikea with people, having baths with people...

It does mean "my house, my rules" though :) which is what this is all about. And they get their rules at their house.

I went out with friends after work at 10pm tonight, to a 24 hour veg restaurant on the other side of town. I *didn't* call home to tell anyone that I was doing this. I didn't have to have a "discussion" - like the rest of my colleagues do when they call their partners to say they are going for a beer with me after work and won't be coming straight home. I didn't have to make that "er... um... I dunno if I can..." face when my friends asked me.

because I have my own place and live on my own. I get to make decisions about "being allowed" to do things I want to do after work without someone being welded to my hip.

I can love someone, want to spend time with them, want to spend the entire rest of my life with them even - and yet not want to have them watching me brush my teeth, know when I eat potato chips for dinner, chase the cat around with a squirt gun, call my friend in Brazil when I've had two beers and we laugh till she shows me her sunrise on Skype, spend all monday with mum at the hospital then decide I'm going to have dinner with dad and my step mum.

And I don't have to negotiate any of that. And I can *still* love someone and want to cuddle them on the couch, make cookies with them, and go on beach holidays with them, and go to the museum with them.

amazing. how could that possibly be true?

[WheatToast]

Thanks.

If you are interested in HAVING or HAVE an LAT, please join in.

If y u aren't, this thread will be swamped with the majority of non-LAT telling me their opinions on LAT and how it could never work for them. I didn't ask for people's opinions on LAT, I'm asking, very clearly for those interested to please chime in.

I'm just trying to find some like minded folk around LATs. thank you very much for understanding.

I'm totally ready for a new LTR, and though I've had a few really nice ones over the years, I've never felt compelled to live with anyone since the early 90's.
I'm so busy with projects, work, friends and community stuff, I think having someone live with me at my house would make me feel neglectful, like I'd have to give up something I enjoy so I could spend time just hanging out with her, then wind up feeling conflicted.
To me, being in a monogamous LTR while living in different homes would be like dating, and that would be exciting. When we'd choose to be together, it would be fun to give each other our undivided attention, and when we'd ask what's new, we'd actually have new stuff to talk about.
At her place, I would never throw my shoes in 'the wrong place' or shave my legs in the living room so I could watch TV. At my place, she would be less likely to go into my studio and use my delicate pens that are only for certain media, then leave the caps off once she finished writing a to do list on some scratchy, pen demolishing paper (Horrors!).
It's not selfish to want alone time, IMHO. In a LTR, I'm sure I'd want to be with her often, especially overnight, but there is something to be said for, "letting the winds of heaven dance between us" at regular intervals.
Great topic!

[WheatToast]

I would love to go traveling together, going to films together, hanging out and binge watching sci-fi, grocery shop for a fancy night of cooking together, read on the couch together.

but at SOME POINT they go HOME.
Why?

because I like my shit on the floor, my dishes not done, none of their furniture there, and not doing their goddamned laundry.

stay for 2 nights of we get on well enough. Then go home for a couple nights.

This does not prevent me from going out with folks, cuddling with people, going on vacations with people, cooking with people, grocery shopping with people, window shopping with people, buying flowers for the kitchen with people, going to Ikea with people, having baths with people...

It does mean "my house, my rules" though :) which is what this is all about. And they get their rules at their house.

I went out with friends after work at 10pm tonight, to a 24 hour veg restaurant on the other side of town. I *didn't* call home to tell anyone that I was doing this. I didn't have to have a "discussion" - like the rest of my colleagues do when they call their partners to say they are going for a beer with me after work and won't be coming straight home. I didn't have to make that "er... um... I dunno if I can..." face when my friends asked me.

because I have my own place and live on my own. I get to make decisions about "being allowed" to do things I want to do after work without someone being welded to my hip.

I can love someone, want to spend time with them, want to spend the entire rest of my life with them even - and yet not want to have them watching me brush my teeth, know when I eat potato chips for dinner, chase the cat around with a squirt gun, call my friend in Brazil when I've had two beers and we laugh till she shows me her sunrise on Skype, spend all monday with mum at the hospital then decide I'm going to have dinner with dad and my step mum.

And I don't have to negotiate any of that. And I can *still* love someone and want to cuddle them on the couch, make cookies with them, and go on beach holidays with them, and go to the museum with them.

amazing. how could that possibly be true?

Trust me, I've been looking for flies in the ointment but so far the concept sounds ideal for the way I like to live.
I am self employed and I often have trump-induced insomnia, so I've taken to working all night and crashing at sunrise, then sleeping till afternoon.
If I need to buy something at 3 a.m, I hop in the car and go get it.
If there is love combined with trust in a LTR and it leads to mutually agreed upon monogamy, there's no need to keep tabs on or check in with each other 24/7--you let each other be their best, most creative selves and let them know you adore them and want them madly, whether in person or apart.
I don't need another half to complete me--as some would agree, I'm already (an) a-whole. :blink:

[socialjustice_fsu]

if I read about LAT on here or in the AARP journal (yes, I am a card carrying member. I am simply more experienced - not old), however, this makes so much sense to me. I like quiet time. I like coming home to only my cats. If I want to stay up all night binge watching The Handmaids Tale and Madam Secretary back to back and then wail through Steel Magnolias, so be it. Although I keep a fairly orderly home - if I want to clutter it up, I will and answer to no one. I am not jaded on living together but I do think it can impact one's creativity and ability to maintain their individualism. I like the idea of looking forward to seeing her. I think I would be more vigilant to not ever take her for granted. Plus, I like to travel.
Count me in.

[FireSignFemme]

I'm not sure. My last live together relationship ended in the middle of 2005. I never planned to live alone this long, it just sort of worked out that way. Now I wonder if I could ever live with someone again. I mean it's been over a decade. I know I'd like to but wonder if I've become too set in my ways.

[Gemme]

I'm not sure. My last live together relationship ended in the middle of 2005. I never planned to live alone this long, it just sort of worked out that way. Now I wonder if I could ever live with someone again. I mean it's been over a decade. I know I'd like to but wonder if I've become too set in my ways.

That's the point of LAT, exactly! You can maintain your living environment the way you want and still spend quality time with a partner. Someone mentioned earlier that it's like permanently dating and I agree with that. There's an excitement about seeing and spending time with someone who is not underfoot all the time. Given where you are in life, and myself as well, I think this could work for you if the situation presented itself.

[Kätzchen]

My partner and I are LAT : we are together but we live apart. We live close to each other, we even work close to each other (we are four stop lights apart at work, less than five minutes between our homes). We enjoy our time apart as well as our time together. We don’t feel like this living arrangement will change for us because we’re so introverted and really like our time alone as much as we like our time together. Sometimes he comes to spend time with me and sometimes I go spend a few days with him. I love it that I can go do yard work with him at his place and I definitely like how we both like how we choose the same type of stuff for our homes (we each have the same type of bed and living space types of furniture, etc).

We feel it’s a healthy mix of togetherness with plenty of space to be on our own when we crave and need our own space.