Grieving

[Andrew, Jr.]

My sister, JoAnn, died this past year. It has taken my breath away. I know that others who have experienced death of a loved one also know this feeling. It is a feeling that will never heal.

I thought it would be a good idea to share our thoughts and feelings. It is a safe place.

Namaste,
Andrew

[Andrew, Jr.]

I just tossed and turned. I couldn't sleep. My mind was just focused on JoAnn for some reason. I was just thinking about her, and trying to remember how she sounded, her laugh, her smile, and the look of love in her eyes as she watched over her 2 boys.

[Jett]

I lost my mom last year and I still get that get that instant response to call her when I something comes up... it's hard and it takes a lot of time I think... but I'm getting to a point where good memories don't make me feel so sad if that makes sense...

Anyway, I just wanted to say I'm really sorry for your loss Andrew, and let you know you're not alone.

Metro

[Andrew, Jr.]

Metro,

Thanks. :)

Death is so very strange imho. My younger brother killed himself when I was just 15 yo. Now, that feels like eons ago. And my sister, that feels like yesterday. These losses just never heal. I know it is a new reality after someone dies because life goes on. But like you said, you reach for the phone to call and then the reality of their death just hits you once again.

But I go on. One foot in front of the other, thanking God for what I have, and not for what I want or need. It gives me peace of mind.

[Random]

We lost one of our babies today...

Mr. Diago Luigo, faithful patroller of the neighborhood, grand killer of anything that didn't move fast enough.. (If he didn't kill it, then he tried to have his way with it.. (Causing a rift between himself and his brother that was never mended.))had a massive heart attack today on the way to the vets...He was diagnosed with heart issues four months ago.. It was a terminal prognosis... The vet was suprised that he had lived four and a half years.. Apparently the life expectancy is around two years...

The last couple days he had been breathing hard.. He was still eating, still doing his... I want to go outside!!!!!!! dance.. but even when he was laying still, you could see how hard it was for him to breath..

I knew he was winding down.. You could see it in him... He has spent a lot of time the last week out on the patio in one of my captain chairs.. All day long sleeping in the sun... Thank you universe for this beautiful harvest fall.. It was perfect for him... He would start to go do his *patrol* and then just sit down and feel the air and the sun... Last night, we were sitting out on the patio and he was sitting on the grass smelling the air... Just being perfectly still with his nose up... Then he did a lil half jump and a lil pounce on some leaves and he cantered into the house...

Last night he came and got into bed with Michele.. It's not something that he has ever done.. He was the kind of cat that wanted to be at the foot of the bed, or under it... But last night, he got into bed with her and cuddled up for the longest time.. I didn't know it at the time, but she whispered to him that it was ok for him to go if he wanted to.. She told him that she loved him and he was a good boy...

This morning she told him that she loved him and said goodbye..

Both Michele and the vet wanted him to get into the clinic asap, so I left work early and took him in... The 10 min car ride was too much for him... He had a massive infarction about three min from the clinic.. They grabbed him and took him into the back, but he didn't respond and slipped away... I keep thinking.. I should have went and got Michele's car.. it smelled like her.. I should have cleaned out the cat carrier so it didn't smell like my cats...

But truth be told.. I know that it is better that it was over so fast.. His lungs were filling up.. That's why he couldn't breath... A quick death over a lingering one...

The vet was amazed at his condition.. The fact that he had lived so long with his heart walls as thick as they were.. That he was still active and eating..

Mr. Diego Luigo.. you were a pain in my ass.. Bossy, Demanding, leaving disembowel rabbits for your mother to clean up... Trying to prove that you didn't need no stinking balls to prove your cat hood.. (I saw you looking at my bag!!!) you had fishhooks because you wouldn't let anyone touch your killing claws... Your lil monkey tux face... you did look like a lil monkey.. You didn't know the meaning of the word.. NO.. Come here!@!!.. get down... Leave her alone!!! You would cross a busy street staring down cars as you sauntered across at your leisure... Giving your mother a heart attack... Neither rain, nor sleet, nor busy streets would keep you from your self appointed patrol...

You had the sweetest purr, and the way that you DEMANDED to be held and petted... You were the wild child that I couldn't help but love.. You had that same feeling of freedom about you that your mother carries..

You went out on your own terms... You didn't want to be in that carrier.. you didn't want to go to the vet.. you picked the time...

Big boy.. you will be missed so very much... But the way that I think about it.. You have your balls back, and an unlimited supply of rabbits to hunt...

Our sadness is a fair trade off...

[Andrew, Jr.]

Ms Cyn,

I am so very sorry for your loss. It is such a heartbreak. I hope it is helpful to think about Rainbow Bridge. A place where our furkids go to play in the sunshine, with plenty of food, water, treats, and without any pain.

Animals are just as much a part of our family as any human is. They entertain us, and add enjoyment to our lives. For me, being disabled, animals are my companions.

I wish you and your family peace in your hearts.

Namaste,
Andrew

[Mitmo01]

My Diego passed away on friday and will always be missed but he is not suffering anymore and i believe he is in a better place

love you forever my beloved tuxedo boy

[Diva]

Death is a wicked, cruel bitch.
Death is stingy, taking someone from us we love with all of our hearts, not caring one tiny bit for us, but for itself.
Death is immature, taking some before their time.

And so, like everything horrible.....we can either succumb ourselves, or thumb our noses at death. We can either become bitter or better because of the chaos which death brought our way. Death doesn't care if You understand or not. Death doesn't care about your personal journey, or how you're going to respond.

Death just does it.

Sometimes, we do not know if our own lives will go on. But they do.
Sometimes, we do not know if we will ever be capable of laughing again. But we will.
Sometimes, we don't know if we ever be able to speak the name of The One death took from us without sobbin. But we will.

I lost my precious daughter, Melody Claire, in 1996. She was 16. She was the passenger in a car driven by her best friend. She was going 90 in a 30, lost control of the car, it flipped and they slid into a telephone pole, killing them both instantly.

I don't think I need to go on about the insanity that became my journey for a brief period. It was hell. But her life gave me strength to move on. I was able to speak to her school ~ her classmates ~ on the morning of her funeral. I told them that they should not waste a moment in telling someone they love them. There was a message here. Melody had just told me how much she loved me that afternoon.

Her death was a lesson to me. She taught me that I could survive anything. 3 years after she died, I lost my Grandmother, my favorite Uncle and my Mom. I sang at their funerals. I don't think I could have done it had Melody's death not taught me how to be strong. In 2006, my Dad died. I sang at his funeral, too, as did my youngest daughter ~ Melody's younger sister, Erin.

We have learned to be strong together.

It's like giving someone power over You to make You feel inferior (Re: Eleanor Roosevelt). Death is the same way. You can give It permission to ruin Your life, or You can learn something from it and not wallow in self~pity.

It is the choice which belongs to us all.


~Diva

[Mitmo01]

Aye Diva so true and wise.....ty for your thoughts

[Tommi]

Grieving, what a good thread Andrew, thank you..Many of us don't ever talk about things.

Mr. Diago Luigo, Diego :blues: Sniff., Condolences for your loss of loved ones to all the family and friends here. and (((((DIVA)))))

Time makes it easier, but that stabbing teary eyed thing comes back on those memorial birth and death dates and UUGGHHHH the holidays. My Mom died Nov.2, 1990, and I still miss her. Thanksgiving dinner will never be the same with our her describing how to stuff a turkey :shocking:, and us dashing out for the after Turkey day sales that started at midnight.

November is sometimes a bad month for me. My brother committed sucide at 16 the day before Thanksgiving1998, and my dad died the next year, the day after Thanksgiving.I was estranged from my dad's side of the family, but miss what should have been.

My Mom loved Vegas. I had her ashes sprinked at sea off Balboa Island just south of me. Sherrie said to me one day, hey , let's go down to the shore and "scoop up some of Mom's ashes" and take her with us to Vegas. We did just that, and as we walked through her favorite casino, the 4 Queens with a water bottle 1/2 full of sand , i dribbled some hear and there, looking for her favorite slot machine, then in the alley-->where , never mind.

First time I could memorialize her in any way, and, and I thank my girl so much.

[JustLovelyJenn]

November is a month of remembrance for me.

I celebrated the memory of my baby sister this last week. Lost from my sight 13 years ago. I spent much time thinking of her, remembering her and loving her. While I may not see her by my side anymore, she is always visible in my thoughts. She brings me comfort now, after so many years. The tears of loss I shed now are so wonderfully tainted with love and remembrance. So many good things that she brought to my life and to the life of so many others. Never in this world have I found a more vivid example of selflessness and unconditional love. Taken so early from this world, at the tender age of 12 she managed to make an unmistakable difference in the lives of others. Her bright soul reached out to everyone around her; encouraging hope, happiness, friendship, and kindness. At her funeral, so many of her classmates were present, leaving flowers, stuffed animals, bracelets, and notes in her casket, that we had to push them to her feet to see her face. I dearly hope that I may be just a little like her in my interactions with others.

I also remember my uncle this month, killed by a drunk driver on a dark canyon road 5 years ago. This man, my mothers brother, taught me something that I will never forget. He taught me the joy of unconditional love. He married a woman whom he loved more than anything in this world, and not once in all the years of their marriage did that love ever waiver even a fraction. When she suffered from sever postpartum depression, he would come home on lunch breaks to make sure that the babies were cared for because he knew that she couldn't. When his children were grown, and disagreed with their mother, he set them straight, telling them that she would always be held first in his heart and they would respect her or they would not be welcome in her home. As a child he singled me out. Did things with me that my own father never did. Took me fishing... that was our special thing. One fishing trip my aunt came along. As we set quietly waiting for the tug on our poles, he leaned over and whispered in my ear "I always catch more when shes here. The fish come up to see how beautiful she is." It is my deepest wish that someday, someone will love me how he loved my aunt. If i were to find that, I would have found the greatest gift in all the world.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Mitmo01,

I am so very sorry for your loss. :gimmehug:

Tommi,

I remember talking with you about your Mom & Vegas. And we both are survivors of each of our brother's suicide's. When we thought we would never survive...we have, and did with grace, honor, and style. :gimmehug:

JustLovelyJenn,

Words are just escaping me now. Just know that I understand. Our loved ones are in our hearts, minds, and souls. :gimmehug:

Peace to all,
Andrew

[Andrew, Jr.]

Diva,

I have no idea of how you survived that devisitation. Thanks for your advice. Your daughter was beautiful.

Namaste,
Andrew

[Cowboi]

Everyday since 3/3/93 for my Mom, the Yellow Rose of Texas! I miss you....Love always "your Tomboy"

[Jet]

Andrew have you read Elizabeth Kubler Ross?
If not, her books on death grieving may helpful in your grieving process.

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As for myself, I welcome death as my sweet repose.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Ol'Jet,

No, I am not a reader. Thanks for the tip though.

I went to a support group called Grief Share, which I would recommend. Grief Share is a national organization. I had to stop going before my sister actually died. I started going 6 months prior to her death. It was too much for me to handle with everything going on...:bigcry:

[Tommi]

Love you guys N gals, :sparklyheart: Grieving with friends...even if typed touches ones heart.

For every day ,I am thankful..and for all of you

Tommi

[Jet]

My mom and I were best friends. In 2001, she was found dead in her apartment. I kept calling her thinking she went to Denver to visit my uncles. Finally, when she never answered, one of my uncles went in her apartment and found slumped over dead on the bathroom floor. The autopsy showed nothing as to the cause of death other than she had been dead a week.

I never cried, never said goodbye and never grieved. I was on auto pilot from severe trauma of my own, and I couldn't feel or manage normal feelings about death. It was as though it never happened. It was like the Bible says something like "I set my face like flint." I took care of her apartment and financial affairs with the help of my family, but almost robotically.

And I will tell you now, that long delayed and overdue grief is about to hit as I near the end of my recovery as a trauma survivor.

So, I'm right there with you....

[Andrew, Jr.]

Thanks for sharing your story here. Grief comes in waves. Some days are flat, some are rocky, and some are like the waves crashing onto the beach. It is a new norm.

Holidays...for us, we have to create new rituals and new routines to do because of my sister's children. Last year the boys came unglued when we pulled out her ornaments. And she was known for making certain cookies for them. Well, we still have no clue what to do with that one. For us, making a new routine has worked well.

But in reality, you never get over the loss of your loved one. I know I will never get over JoAnn. Never. I am glad to have shared her with a few of you online at CaringBridge. Her husband took it down now.

Life is so short. :bouquet:

[Miss_J]

Tomorrow it will be a month since my father passed. I keep thinking I have these emotions under control until all of a sudden it blind sides me, I was re-caulking my bathtub and talking to my boi about how we need to replace several tile on the wall and did hy know how to do that? I said oh its ok honey I will just call my dad... Insert full blow meltdown here while sitting in the bathtub.

I understand that talking really does help and crying is normal and even anger is not unusual, but I don't think I can deal with these complete meltdowns much more.


I too have a brother who commited suicide when I was a teen. It was over half my lifetime ago and it still at times feels so fresh and raw even though I have really processed and worked through those emotions. I miss him and can't help but wonder what kind of man he would be, what kind of relationship would we have and how much fun we would have had picking on the folks.
Everyone here who has shared their personal losses very sincerely have my condolences and :gimmehug: I understand.

[Jet]

I'm sorry about your father Miss J. I know what that feels like when loss is so new. You have my condolences as well.

[little man]

my mom passed on the 2nd. i've been staying with her, caring for her for the last two years. i feel kinda shellshocked. there's been enough stuff to keep me busy, with funeral arrangements, planning the wake, tying up the loose ends of a life completed.

in some ways, i feel kind of numb around it all. i don't cry much now. quite a bit the first day or so. all us kids were with her when she passed. i don't mind if i never watch another person die. it was fucking hard.

i keep wondering when the big emotional dump will come. anyone?

[Daryn]

I have dealt with death of friends, family, and loved ones more han a couple of times. It's just different each time.

I think losing my grandmother was the hardest because of my family of origin I was closest to her and for the last few years of her life I was responsible for her. I wanted her suffering to be over ... but there is still an emptiness in my life knowing I can never talk to her again.... on the other hand I do try to think back on all the small kindnesses and acts of thoughtfulness and love she showed me over the years..... and while there is sadness there is also joy.

[Thinker]

my mom passed on the 2nd. i've been staying with her, caring for her for the last two years. i feel kinda shellshocked. there's been enough stuff to keep me busy, with funeral arrangements, planning the wake, tying up the loose ends of a life completed.

in some ways, i feel kind of numb around it all. i don't cry much now. quite a bit the first day or so. all us kids were with her when she passed. i don't mind if i never watch another person die. it was fucking hard.

i keep wondering when the big emotional dump will come. anyone?

Hey again, little man...

I don't recall how long it was after my mother has passed........maybe a couple of months??? Not sure. But I can remember as if it just happened today...

I was driving. I had just gotten off the freeway and was rounding a curve on the access road. Out of the blue, my eyes welled up with tears and my chest felt as if it would explode. I had to pull over, and I just lost it.

That wasn't the last time it happened either.

When it hit me, it hit me hard.

I wish you peace.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Miss J,

I am so sorry for your loss of your father. I will be praying for you and your family.

Little Man,

I'm sorry for your loss of your mother. I am not sure of the big cry. For me it is personal, and when it happens it happens. I just go with how I feel. It can happen any time of the day or night. It will just hit you. And it hits hard.

I will be praying for you.


When my sister died, it was more of a build up to her death because I was there with her thru her treatments. I was there for her surgeries, and her treatments. And when she made her final arrangements, I was there. It was so very sad, but a part of life. It is just so...final. I had the gift of time to prepare myself for her death. It's different compared to when my younger brother suicided.

I have a niece getting married, and she was very close to my sister. She wants to put her picture on the alter during the ceremony. I can understand this. However, the bride's mother has a problem with it. She wants this wedding to be just that. A beautiful ceremony. No reminders of the pain of loss. I am not sure of what to say or do. And I want nothing but the best for them. Life is hard enough than to have an argument over a picture on the alter.

[little man]

thanks, everyone. i appreciate it. i suppose it'll happen in its own time, like most other things.

[little man]

last year, my sister-in-law's oldest girl died of an accidental tylenol overdose at the age of 19. since we buried her, my sis-in-law goes regularly to the cemetery to visit. my brother tells me it seems to make her feel better, more at peace.

i did not attend my mother's visitation, memorial or burial. i have stopped at the cemetery once in the last two weeks.

so, here's my question:

do any of you visit the grave of your lost loved ones on a regular basis? if so, what do you get from that? if not, why not?

[NotAnAverageGuy]

last year, my sister-in-law's oldest girl died of an accidental tylenol overdose at the age of 19. since we buried her, my sis-in-law goes regularly to the cemetery to visit. my brother tells me it seems to make her feel better, more at peace.

i did not attend my mother's visitation, memorial or burial. i have stopped at the cemetery once in the last two weeks.

so, here's my question:

do any of you visit the grave of your lost loved ones on a regular basis? if so, what do you get from that? if not, why not?

Little Man,

I had a niece who was stillborn on Christmas Day of last year, I still have not come to terms with it along with her mother, who is my best friend. I have visited her grave maybe once over a year, I do not get closure because I didn't get to formally say goodbye or even hold her, so I am still angry. My godmother passed away in June of 2008 and I was there for the funeral only, I still haven't come to terms with this either. I am not one who deals well with death, I may visit to talk to them and let them know I am sorry but the visiting mainly hashes up old feelings that I know I am not ready to cope with yet.

I saw the picture of your mom and you on the gallery, it broke my heart to know she had passed, the photo shows how much love y'all had for each other.

I do know in due time it does get easier and I pray you can find your answers from within in due time.

[little man]

Little Man,

I had a niece who was stillborn on Christmas Day of last year, I still have not come to terms with it along with her mother, who is my best friend. I have visited her grave maybe once over a year, I do not get closure because I didn't get to formally say goodbye or even hold her, so I am still angry. My godmother passed away in June of 2008 and I was there for the funeral only, I still haven't come to terms with this either. I am not one who deals well with death, I may visit to talk to them and let them know I am sorry but the visiting mainly hashes up old feelings that I know I am not ready to cope with yet.

I saw the picture of your mom and you on the gallery, it broke my heart to know she had passed, the photo shows how much love y'all had for each other.

I do know in due time it does get easier and I pray you can find your answers from within in due time.

i was with my mom when she passed. all of us kids were. we had opportunity to talk with her beforehand, to say whatever needed to be said. i was able to hug her one last time, kiss her head when she was gone. i did see her at the funeral home when we took up flowers and pictures and her artwork. nothing. she wasn't there. i felt the same when i stopped off at the cemetery, nothing...she wasn't there.

i feel her more acutely when i'm driving, when i come home from work and she's not sitting at the table waiting for me. the house doesn't feel quite right without her here, but i suppose i'll get used to that eventually.

my family has always been a funeral-going, cemetery-visiting bunch. i just don't feel any connection at the cemetery. because of the way i was raised, i feel a little bad about not going up there. i don't see the point in being there, if she's not there and i can't even feel her there. jeez, i'm babbling, i think.

i think i'm just trying to find my own way to grieve this and still maintain some sort of spiritual connection to her. i think it may well come in the form of taking care of her roses and keeping her garden beds up. when i apply myself to the things she loved, i definitely feel connected and a part of her.

just trying to sort through this and be ok with what works for me.

thanks for sharing. much appreciated.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Will,

I go the cemetary of relatives 4 to 5 times a year. It depends on how I am feeling. I go for maybe a few minutes at a time. I place flowers or a wreath out at Christmastime. In going I have learned who has visitors and who does not. In turn, I make sure to bring extra flowers or whatever, to decorate other gravestones. I think it is the one place that all souls return too when loved ones are there. When I go, I clean off the gravestones with water because they are some sort of a brass material. The marble ones I use Windex on.

In doing this, it brings me joy. Some ppl are not comfortable in going because they are afraid or did not have a decent relationship with the deceased, or some other reason. Everyone is different. Grief is different for everyone, and how they respond to their loss. I know when my sister, JoAnn, died, last year, I am still grieving. Her 2 boys & husband are still grieving. Her mother is fine. It is like nothing ever happened. It makes no sense to me. But that is me.

I think you need to come to terms with your mom's death with your own time-table. You know what to do, when it is time. I think everyone does. :sadangel:

I wish for you peace.

Love,
Andrew

[Jet]

My mom died of unknown causes in 2000. being an only child we were best friends. i have yet to grieve her death.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Jet,

I am so very sorry for your loss. I understand.

Love,
Andrew

[NotAnAverageGuy]

i was with my mom when she passed. all of us kids were. we had opportunity to talk with her beforehand, to say whatever needed to be said. i was able to hug her one last time, kiss her head when she was gone. i did see her at the funeral home when we took up flowers and pictures and her artwork. nothing. she wasn't there. i felt the same when i stopped off at the cemetery, nothing...she wasn't there.

i feel her more acutely when i'm driving, when i come home from work and she's not sitting at the table waiting for me. the house doesn't feel quite right without her here, but i suppose i'll get used to that eventually.

my family has always been a funeral-going, cemetery-visiting bunch. i just don't feel any connection at the cemetery. because of the way i was raised, i feel a little bad about not going up there. i don't see the point in being there, if she's not there and i can't even feel her there. jeez, i'm babbling, i think.

i think i'm just trying to find my own way to grieve this and still maintain some sort of spiritual connection to her. i think it may well come in the form of taking care of her roses and keeping her garden beds up. when i apply myself to the things she loved, i definitely feel connected and a part of her.

just trying to sort through this and be ok with what works for me.

thanks for sharing. much appreciated.

Possibly so, find your own way Wil.

And no problem in sharing, just know you are not alone.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Holidays are the worst when you are grieving. I know that last year it was a blurr. This year, we all are making a real concrete effort to make new traditions, and new rituals for JoAnn's 2 young boys. It is just a new reality for all of us. Sometimes you have to create a new reality because the loss is just so intense.

In my griefshare group, there was a young, single mother who lost her 12 yo daughter to some disease. I didn't know the entire story except that she was in the hospital for a very long time, and out of the blue she died unexpectedly. So, in order for the young, single mother to get thru the holidays, she and her parents go to Florida and spend Christmas laying out on the beach. No presents, no decorations, no Christmas tree is put up, just any sign of the holiday is ever even spoken about. For them as a family unit it just is how they can cope with the loss. The little girl just loved Christmas, and in turn, as a family they did everything possible to make Christmas special each year for her.
That is what I mean about changing reality.

I wish everyone peace. Holidays are hard. No comparison.

[violaine]

[QUOTE=Ol' Jet;6685][FONT=Franklin Gothic Medium][SIZE=3]Andrew have you read Elizabeth Kubler Ross? [COLOR=Red]

[COLOR="DarkOrchid"]awesome recommendation! dr. wallace sife, Ph.D., worked with her, and wrote "the loss of a pet".

[Andrew, Jr.]

Belle,

I am not a big reader of any sorts. Unless it's a magazine or easy reading forget it. I struggle with the comprehension, what the words mean, and so on. I am actually more "verbal" online than in real time. In real time I am very quiet and shy.

I used to belong to the organization called "Readings for the Blind". They would take in high school and college students, and volunteers of any age really for that matter, to read books on tapes, cd's, and dvd's. It is for those who are blind, or learning disabled as I am. It makes it easier to listen to books instead of reading it for myself. That is why I rarely go to the library. However, as times have changed, the cost of belonging to this organization has gone up quite a bit. It used to be free. But those days are long gone. :rant:

[Random]

Every time I go back to Missiouri,
I visit my grandmothers grave..

I sit a spell with her and tell her everything that's going on.. If it's a nice day I might lean back and get some sun for her..

For me.. it's the deliberate act of going there and remembering her.. Not that I need to be any place special to remember her.. (I can close my eyes and see her hands, smell that smell of plug tabacco and oil of oly.. I can still feel what if feels like to be rocked in her arms..)

But for me.. It a deliberate act of.. I am going to take this time and it is stricky for grandma.. She used to love to sit outside and talk..

Sounds like you are going to do the same with her roses..



last year, my sister-in-law's oldest girl died of an accidental tylenol overdose at the age of 19. since we buried her, my sis-in-law goes regularly to the cemetery to visit. my brother tells me it seems to make her feel better, more at peace.

i did not attend my mother's visitation, memorial or burial. i have stopped at the cemetery once in the last two weeks.

so, here's my question:

do any of you visit the grave of your lost loved ones on a regular basis? if so, what do you get from that? if not, why not?

[Inuus]

My Mother has been gone since I was 14 (1977). I used to visit her grave fairly regularly it was hearbreaking for me..was such a hard time. I have lived far away for quite some years but when I do go back to NH I do visit her grave
I had a bad spell there for awhile with deaths
I lost my father in 2001
One of my closest friend in 2002
My sister with Down Syndrome in 2003
My partner in 2006

I dont visit my Fathers grave, my sisters or my best friends because they are buried so far away. Im sure if I went back there I would go to see them. Im not sure exactly what it "does" for me. I mostly clean up the site make sure everything looks nice and neat.
My partner was cremated and I have her ashes in the house

I guess it depends on each person and if or how it comforts them


last year, my sister-in-law's oldest girl died of an accidental tylenol overdose at the age of 19. since we buried her, my sis-in-law goes regularly to the cemetery to visit. my brother tells me it seems to make her feel better, more at peace.

i did not attend my mother's visitation, memorial or burial. i have stopped at the cemetery once in the last two weeks.

so, here's my question:

do any of you visit the grave of your lost loved ones on a regular basis? if so, what do you get from that? if not, why not?

[little man]

My Mother has been gone since I was 14 (1977). I used to visit her grave fairly regularly it was hearbreaking for me..was such a hard time. I have lived far away for quite some years but when I do go back to NH I do visit her grave
I had a bad spell there for awhile with deaths
I lost my father in 2001
One of my closest friend in 2002
My sister with Down Syndrome in 2003
My partner in 2006

I dont visit my Fathers grave, my sisters or my best friends because they are buried so far away. Im sure if I went back there I would go to see them. Im not sure exactly what it "does" for me. I mostly clean up the site make sure everything looks nice and neat.
My partner was cremated and I have her ashes in the house

I guess it depends on each person and if or how it comforts them

i think this is the crux of my question. of course, i want the site to be well kept and tidy. i've set aside some cash to add a couple of planters to the grave site so i can plant mom's beloved roses for her. i just don't feel a sense of connection there and am wondering if other folks feel that or if it's something different that draws them there. i do realize there's no right or wrong way to go about this. being individual, we all find solace in differing things and peace wherever we may. i suspect i'm trying to think myself through this trying time and find a way that feels both respectful of my mother and tenable for me.

i'm very sorry to hear about your losses. so many in such a short time. that has to be very difficult. my heart goes out to you.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Will,

Where my Godfather is buried at, is pretty close to his son. His son was a policeman, and was killed in a car accident. Thank God above, he died instantly. He had no idea of what hit him, literally. And yes, he was on-duty at the time. So, his son is buried with other policemen and women and firefighters in this one section of the cemetary.

My Godparents used to go to the cemetary every month for hours at a time to be with their son. In doing so, they noticed another couple, late 50's, with lawn chairs sitting next to a grave that was close to their son's. Eventually they began talking. In talking they realized that their only son was also a policeman, and he too was killed while working. However, these folks cannot let him go and go to the cemetary every single day. And they sit there for hours at a time. They schedule their appointments around the time they are at the cemetary. The father retired early from Black and Decker. The mother was a housewife. They sold their home, and moved into an apartment that was cheaper. Life was just so different for them since their son died. They basically lived their lives thru their son. And of course he was their only child. So that is their connection to life.

When we buried my Godfather, we all noticed the elderly couple sitting in their lawn chairs by their son. Still shaken by the events that took place years earlier. Unable to let go. For some people, that is what grief is like.

I think when you plant the rose bushes and clean up your mother's gravestone, you will know what to do & feel that sense of connection.

My sister was not buried. She was creamated. Part of her ashes were spread at different locations according to her wishes. And the bulk of her remains are placed where only family members know of. Sometimes I think it is better that way. It is a guarantee of privacy. The one thing I know I personally don't like is when someone interrupts me when I am at my beloved Grandparents plots, or my Godfather's. It just throws me off. Plus all the rules and regs. that cemetaries now have due to vandalism.

I wish you peace in your journey with this.

Love,
Andrew

[Andrew, Jr.]

I know how hard holidays are for people who are grieving. I wanted to open up to talk about what every has planned for the holidays. Are you doing something different? Are you volunteering somewhere? Are you celebrating with another couple or family?

Namaste,
Andrew

[little man]

I know how hard holidays are for people who are grieving. I wanted to open up to talk about what every has planned for the holidays. Are you doing something different? Are you volunteering somewhere? Are you celebrating with another couple or family?

Namaste,
Andrew

i work midnights, so i'll be sleeping through much of xmas day. i'm working that night. i've not been much for the holidays over the last 20 yrs or so, so i'm not feeling very angsty about it. just another work day. at double time and a half. that, i like.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Will,

I did that as well. For many a years I worked thru Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day. It just was bad memories from my bio-father that kept me from celebrating. He had a way of destroying the holiday. And I think he did that intentionally. Now the holiday is different for me.

Everyone has a different take on holidays.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Hi Everyone,

I went to the cemetary for both my beloved Grandparents and Godfather. It was good. I kiss my hand, and place my hand on their gravestone. It is comforting for me to do this.

I think when we die, we are really just being reborn into another life. Like being reincarnated. However, when loved ones go to the cemetary, those who we loved come back there to the cemetary to "see" us. They can "see" us anytime, but the cemetary is more vocal because of their remains being there. It is just full of energy.

I also distribute flowers out to other gravestones that nobody seems to visit. I think it is a matter of respect. To honor those who are not given attention.

I hope everyone is doing ok, and life is being kind to you all.

Andrew

[little man]

the 16 year old daughter of friends passed in her sleep yesterday, after a very long battle with cancer. she left us quietly.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Wil,

I hate it when young ones die, esp. from cancer. It takes my breath away. At least she didn't suffer in the end. Maybe something good can come from this. I don't know what if anything at all.

I am saying my prayers for you, and your friends. God bless.

Love,
Andrew

[Andrew, Jr.]

I hope everyone is doing ok today.

I will share here that my late sister's son, the youngest one, is struggling. He is failing in school (remember he is in special ed.). I am not sure of what is going to happen. His therapist told her husband that he is not able to communicate his loss in words, and is locked in his grief inward.

Anyway, I hope everyone is doing well, and was able to come to a place of comfort and peace.

Andrew

[Petal Soft]

Hi Everyone,

I went to the cemetary for both my beloved Grandparents and Godfather. It was good. I kiss my hand, and place my hand on their gravestone. It is comforting for me to do this.

I think when we die, we are really just being reborn into another life. Like being reincarnated. However, when loved ones go to the cemetary, those who we loved come back there to the cemetary to "see" us. They can "see" us anytime, but the cemetary is more vocal because of their remains being there. It is just full of energy.

I also distribute flowers out to other gravestones that nobody seems to visit. I think it is a matter of respect. To honor those who are not given attention.

I hope everyone is doing ok, and life is being kind to you all.

Andrew

This really resonated with me

I always kiss my fingers and then touch my son`s name when I visit his grave.

I have more to write on this but now is not the time.

~~~petal~~~

[Andrew, Jr.]

Petal,

No rush. And by the way, I always kiss my fingers and place it on my beloved Grandparents' and Godfather's grave. It is something that I have always done.

Peace,
Andrew

[Stronghealer]

~I do not think I have ever experience such intense grief till my mom passed away in September of 2008...everything seems different...I feel stuck...My soul feels shaken.~Anyone interested in a grief support chat here on the site?~Grae

[Jet]

I've been there and I'm sorry for you.

[Blade]

Grieving comes in many forms, not just at the death of a loved one. I'm comfortable with death and normally deal with it and grieve and go on.

For me death is easy it is final. Certainly there are days that are harder than others and you miss the person so much, but still death is final. The only person I've ever grieved over and couldn't get over was my neighbor and dear friend. It was unexpected and really you couldn't even call it an accident either. To a point I blamed myself, but with the help of a dear precious lady, who is a medium, I put my blame to rest and accepted it as it is. I do miss and long to speak with some of my loved ones that have past. But I know a time will come when they will come get me also.

Granted I still have my parents so I haven't experienced that as yet. I'm sure that will work on me, but I have had people very close to me die, people I depended on in one way or another, and people who depended on me.

I grieve over my own lifes issues more so than people I love passing. I don't know to me it's just a mind set I think . The only thing we all have in common is we start dying the minute we are born and death is evident. Don't get me wrong I do grieve in death, but it seems God helps me move on past it. Certainly I have a weak moment occasionally.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Dear Grae,

I understand the pain you are in. There is a grief support group that I think you would find helpful called Grief Share. They are a national group, possibly international by now, and is Christain based. I feel by now it really depends on where the group is meeting because they also have other faith based support groups that meet under the same name, but not at Church setting.

I would be willing to chat with you if you like. I have buried a younger brother to suicide when I was a teen, my sister & Godfather to cancer. I also buried my adopted parents. Mother died from Alzh. Disease, and father died from a stroke. Last 2 years have been hell.

Namaste,
Andrew

[Andrew, Jr.]

BUMP de BUMP BUMP

[Andrew, Jr.]

I just wanted to say hello to everyone. I hope everyone is doing well this winter. You all are in my thoughts and prayers.

Love,
Andrew

[Miss Scarlett]

I lost my Mom 3 years ago next month to pancreatic cancer. She died at home with Dad by her side - I arrived about 10 minutes after she passed.

She'd been sick for almost a year and it took her doctors nearly that long to figure out what exactly was wrong - though they suspected the cancer. Her markers didn't come through until 6 weeks before she died. She did not have any pain. She was completely lucid until about an hour before she died. Even though we knew she was dying, her death was sudden and unexpected. The day she died I spoke to her on the phone that morning but about mid-afternoon (as the doctor explained it to us) the stress on her body from the cancer caused her heart to get all wierd. It started racing and despite the meds the Hospice nurse gave her, it would not slow down and finally just gave out.

I had already been on autopilot - making sure Dad had everything he needed to take care of Mom and making sure Mom had everything she needed. After she died I stayed on autopilot - had a funeral to plan & execute, a father to prop up and a family to hold together.

Time to grieve? You've got to be kidding! My employer at the time was a colleague of Mom's so you'd think she'd be a little flexible and understanding. Yeah, right! The woman called me during the visitation to ask me if I had paid a bill! As if that couldn't wait until I returned to work - or she could have just looked in the checkbook...grrrrr! This is the same employer who complained to me that I called my Mom too many times during the day and she said this to me after she knew Mom was dying.

Apart from my indentured servitude, I also had Pride and the other boards/committees I was serving on. Pride consumed everything to the point Shelia called herself a "Pride Widow."

Last February I resigned from everything except the Gay Men's Chorus Board and at the end of June I changed jobs. Dad remarried in August 2008. I was stunned to see what I had become and how exhausted I was. It took months after changing jobs to start feeling like myself again.

Now that all the things that consumed my life have gone away I am left with time to grieve. It's been coming in drips and drops but as March 12 draws near it gets heavier. I'm at the stage of "this time in 2007 Mom___." It's going to be a difficult month or two but I need to grieve.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Thank you for sharing your story with us here, Miss Scarlett. For me, I am still in the grieving process. It is a struggle. And for those who tell me to "just get over it", I can't. JoAnn was my sister. I cannot just let her go. The same holds true for my younger brother who committed suicide. It will be 30 years the first week of April. 30 years ago, and it is like yesterday. So, yes, I do get it.

Love,
Andrew

[casey35]

In December 07, My soul mate Dot became sick every week there was something broken or another sickness. January 08, the first week she could not see, hear, or walk. Took her to her doctor, he sent her to the hospital where they told us she had leuk. and she was in organ failure. I look at those three week that i had her in the hospital as special. We got to spend time together even thru she was not really there. I had to decide if we wanted her to live the last day or so hooked to machines or just tell her i loved her and have her taken off. I told the doctor to unhook her and stayed with her until she passed on. I still remember that with full visual. I dont think i will ever forget that moment.
I called my mom who we had not talked with off and on for five years to be with me at the funeral. She did and spent a few days with me. She headed back home to missouri to find my dad in the field dead from a front end loader accident. I regret so bad that i did not tell my dad that i love him and that i am so sorry that we could not get past the gay thing. I would give anything for a hour just to have my daddy.
In my grief i have became cold , unlaughing person. Even thro i have tammy and she a wonderful wife. She has to put up so much shit from me i dont really see why she put up with it. Even thru i know i do it i cant seem to stop my self. I have so much anger and hurt and yes i am so mad at god for taking what i held so close. I prayed so hard to keep them here with me .
I am sorry if that to deep or whatever . but it did make me cry which i have not done since 08 Dot january 25 Dad january 30

[Andrew, Jr.]

Thank you Casey35 for sharing your story. I hope this thread gives you some peace.

Some people just never get over the gay thing. It really is sad. Life is so short. I am still dealing with that at my age with my elderly parents. Even with what we have been thru.

I wish you peace.

Namaste,
Andrew
:candle: :gimmehug:

[Liquefaction]

Grieving comes in many forms, not just at the death of a loved one. I'm comfortable with death and normally deal with it and grieve and go on.

I was just going to ask about other types of grieving.

I have been grieving the loss of a very dear friendship. I have felt it coming for a long time so I have had time to accept the fact that it no longer exists but the loss is still painful. I do however take comfort in the fact that this person is still alive and well, just not in my life.

I have been very lucky in my life not to have lost very many loved ones to death other than grandparents who were all in their 90's. My only other loss to a death was 1 friend who died in a car accident almost 20 years ago and an ex's mother who treated me and my daughter better than my own.

I know for some, the loss of a friendship may not seem that bad but for me today, it really sucks!

For all of you dealing with grief, no matter what the cause, I will keep you in my thoughts and wish you peace within your heart!

[Andrew, Jr.]

Grief comes from all kinds of loss. It can be from the loss of a child, a spouse, a lover, a parent, a sibling, a cousin, to the end of a relationship, or even the death of a beloved pet. It also is when you are helping someone die from a terminal illness or old age. Grief just hits you like small waves crashing on a beach, and then sometimes the waves are huge and come out of no where, like a rogue wave. Then there are waves that a small, and you can walk thru them enjoying the coolness of the water. Then there are waves that take your breath away, drag you under the water, and you end up with sand in your crotch.

No matter who or what the situation is, you have to come to terms with the loss. You have to find a way to live, and enjoy your life again.

Let me give an example here. My sister's youngest son is 15 yo, and is developmentally delayed. He has no interest in driving a car. None. He cannot hold down a job. He will be living with his father for the remainder of his life. He has not grieved the loss of his mother yet. He is seeing a psychiatrist 3x a week. He just has not been able to express his loss. In fact, he has no clue as to what happened to her. Trying to explain to him that cancer killed his mother just has not been easy. In fact, we all have tried. We are leaving it up to the psychiatrist to do it now. It proves that some are able to handle death, and some just are not. No matter what the issue is at hand, death is a strange topic to grasp. Death is final. It doesn't scare me or the afterlife. In fact, I look forward to it. I think we are all just passing thru here.

I pray for those who have died, and those who are passing over. I think it is a welcome relief. The hard part is for those who remain behind imho.

[Liquefaction]

Death is final. It doesn't scare me or the afterlife. In fact, I look forward to it. I think we are all just passing thru here.

I pray for those who have died, and those who are passing over. I think it is a welcome relief. The hard part is for those who remain behind imho.



I am in no hurry to leave this life because I want to see how this all turns out but I too am looking forward to the next great adventure. What a ride that will be!

[Andrew, Jr.]

Yes, you are so right about that. My younger brother committed and completed suicide when he was just 15 yo. I can't believe this year will be his 30th year anniversary. He is finally at peace. :pipe:

Life is wayy to short. I always make sure to tell everyone that I love them all the time. It is just how I am now. Some people take offense to this, but they are the ones who skip thru life without any bumps or buises. Then there are those of us who have to literally pick ourselves up from our bootstraps and put one foot in front of the other.

Peace,
Andrew

[Andrew, Jr.]

I was suddenly surprised, and somewhat shocked by my niece who is getting married. She wants to put a picture of her late Aunt on the alter during the service. I thought it was a good idea. Well, her cousins will be at the wedding, and are ok with that. However, her uncle is not. He wants to bring a date to the wedding, and wants to move on to some normal-cy with life and living. He told everyone not to put anything in the program to recogn. his late wife, and does not want her picture on the alter. He got very upset when this subject was even talked about. I mean he was pissed. That took everyone by surprise.

What should I do? I was asked to be a mediator. I am not sure of what to do or say really. I recognize both sides.

Thanks.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Bumping the thread incase someone needs it.

I hope everyone is doing well, and life is being kind to each of you.

Andrew

:angel:

[Butterbean]

I just wrote a lengthy post concerning the death of each of my parents in March of 1983 and March of 2005.

The post flew away somehow and I'm leaving it up to fate that perhaps the post was just for me to write.

I appreciate this thread a tremendous amount.

I'll never stop hating the month of March.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Butterbean,

Someone told me the same exact thing yesterday. March seems to be hard on a lot of folks for some reason. I just don't have the words to say today. Know that I am here, and I am listening.

Peace,
Andrew

[Andrew, Jr.]

One of my nieces got married over the weekend. On the alter was a picture of my late sister, her aunt, Jo. The two of them were very close. This was just a way of acknowledging Jo. And in the program was a short paragraph about my late sister. It was tasteful, and on one hand very sad. On another hand very sentimental, and happy. It was an acknowledgement of Jo's life. Jo's two sons were very touched by this. And her husband (who brought a date, but we won't go there in this thread), cried when they all saw the alter, and read about Jo in the program.

Jo has not even been gone for over a little over a year now. It feels like forever and a day. And we all survived. Life does go on. It is just very strange. Strange in that we have a life without Jo, and it's ok.

[Laidbackgrly]

:rose:I lost my Mother in 94 some woman ran a stop sign hit her head on It was a complete shock I never got to know her as a adult As soon as I graduated high school I left home went off to school Life is so diffrent with out her I cant wait to see her again:violin:

[violaine]

[QUOTE=Andrew, Jr.;57121][SIZE="2"]Grief comes from all kinds of loss. It can be from the loss of a child, a spouse, a lover, a parent, a sibling, a cousin, to the end of a relationship, or even the death of a beloved pet. It also is when you are helping someone die from a terminal illness or old age. Grief just hits you like small waves crashing on a beach, and then sometimes the waves are huge and come out of no where, like a rogue wave.

or from the loss of a friend, and news arrives belatedly, sixteen days after the crash.

[Andrew, Jr.]

At my nieces wedding there was a picture of my sister on the alter. It was surrounded by red roses. It was really done tastefully. When her boys came in and saw it, they smiled ear to ear. They told me that it was like their Mom wasn't forgotten. Their father did not bring a date - thank God. It would have been a bit too much imho. We all want him to go back and date, but with what had transpired over the picture and the wedding, no. It was a bit too much for the kids to handle.

When you loose someone, it is a different reality. The relationship changes, obviously. You do go on living. However, you don't forget that person, and you don't loose sight of what they meant to you.

Peace,
Andrew

[angelswhisper]

Thank you for starting this thread...

I lost a friend at 36 2 months ago. She was an important part of my life and I miss her so badly.

I have lost several important people in my life and sometimes I wonder why but I know that it is through the painful experiences that the joyful moments are made more meaningful.

I also know that the experience I gain in this painful place can make me stronger and wiser so that I can help someone else.

Today may all those that are hurting, know that they are not alone.

Wishing you a day filled with peace and love.

[Andrew, Jr.]

I have a prayer I say...God please give ____ eternal rest. Let them feel Your perpetual light shine upon them like the stars in the night's sky. May they rest in peace. Amen.

[Andrew, Jr.]

I hope everyone is doing well this Easter & Passover Holiday.

Namaste,
Andrew

[Tommi]

I hope everyone is doing well this Easter & Passover Holiday.

Namaste,
Andrew


A season of reflection, and rebirth, a time to give thanks for all I have and all that is to come..

The dormant trees are giving birth to new branches and fresh tiny buds and leaves unfold before my eyes. Like me, a time to grow, and to replenish my soul and give thanks to being cancer free for almost 6 years.

"Don't screen to-days sunshine with yesterdays clouds"
Scottish line

[JediMaster]

I always thought I had this awesome handle on grief and death. Having grown up with a terminally ill parent and having her die when I was 11 gave me a unique perspective, I had always thought. That is...until my ex killed my dog. There's a part of me that won't forgive myself for ever trusting her (my ex). As all the woulda, coulda, shouldas toss themselves around in my head...I'm left in a limbo I never expected. For the longest time I got drunk to numb the pain. As that isn't the healthiest way to deal with loss...it did what it needed to until I was ready to look at it like I am now. As my life has moved on and I have had several months to numb over and ponder and remember and recover...I still am not ok with it. Xena was my best friend. I had moved all over the place with her and fought for her life in a city that banned her for looking like a pitbull. I had been through several gfs with her and still can't believe that she didn't survive this last one. For the longest time, it was Xena who kept me going when I would lose my hope. I still can't believe she's gone and so callously. I still cry when I think about it...as I am right now while writing this post. Xena, I miss you friend. I have no way to avenge your death...so please forgive me. I didn't mean for any harm to come to you. I know I promised to protect you and always be there and I just happened to go to work that day and well...I came home and you were gone. Life hasn't been the same without you. I moved into a house where I could have had you. All I can do is think about you being gone and shake my head. It wasn't fair. You died a senseless death and I can't help but feel responsible. Maybe one day I can forgive myself but it isn't today.

[Andrew, Jr.]

JediMaster,

There are evil people in this world of ours. All I can say is that I will pray that you find inner peace. No matter where it is, or how you find it, but that you find it.

Namaste,
Andrew

[Spirit Dancer]

Today my father took his last walk along the red road, he's now at peace;
In a better place so they say, but grief consumes those left behind,
even when we expect it, there's never a preparation for good bye.
Pain sears and tears blind, grief... there is no time limit for when it ends.
RIP Dad:police:

[WolfyOne]

Today my father took his last walk along the red road, he's now at peace;
In a better place so they say, but grief consumes those left behind,
even when we expect it, there's never a preparation for good bye.
Pain sears and tears blind, grief... there is no time limit for when it ends.
RIP Dad:police:


I've never been to this thread, but saw your post my friend. I've come to support you. When you need someone to lean on, I'm as close as a call. I feel your pain because I understand it. I'm just sorry that I'm not closer to you in your time of need.

Today this one is especially for you

Q7RPCFfudmU

[Tommi]

Today my father took his last walk along the red road, he's now at peace;
In a better place so they say, but grief consumes those left behind,
even when we expect it, there's never a preparation for good bye.
Pain sears and tears blind, grief... there is no time limit for when it ends.
RIP Dad:police:

.http://i330.photobucket.com/albums/l413/moongirl74_pics/Native%20American/red-road-to-sobriety.jpg
:farmtree: Sending shade and lemonade under a big tree. Hoping the sunshine kisses your cheek, the winds of time carry away the pain, and loved ones hold you close

[angelswhisper]

Today my father took his last walk along the red road, he's now at peace;
In a better place so they say, but grief consumes those left behind,
even when we expect it, there's never a preparation for good bye.
Pain sears and tears blind, grief... there is no time limit for when it ends.
RIP Dad:police:

My Dearest Spirit Dancer!
My heart aches for you. May you be wrapped in love, strength and comfort as you walk this most difficult path. Thinking of you and always here if you need anything...

Thinking of you!
Angel~

[Passionaria]

Today my father took his last walk along the red road, he's now at peace;
In a better place so they say, but grief consumes those left behind,
even when we expect it, there's never a preparation for good bye.
Pain sears and tears blind, grief... there is no time limit for when it ends.
RIP Dad:police:

My heart goes out to you and your family. I am so sorry for your loss. Wishing you all be surrounded with much love and support. This song is to honor of your DAD. :cat: Pashi

<object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/VTUcEjkwIN0&hl=en_US&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/VTUcEjkwIN0&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>

[Spirit Dancer]

I've never been to this thread, but saw your post my friend. I've come to support you. When you need someone to lean on, I'm as close as a call. I feel your pain because I understand it. I'm just sorry that I'm not closer to you in your time of need.

Today this one is especially for you

Q7RPCFfudmU
Thank you very much Wolfy, for friendship and an ear, it's appreciated always.:)

.http://i330.photobucket.com/albums/l413/moongirl74_pics/Native%20American/red-road-to-sobriety.jpg
:farmtree: Sending shade and lemonade under a big tree. Hoping the sunshine kisses your cheek, the winds of time carry away the pain, and loved ones hold you close

Tommi, As always thank you, yes in time....all things are suppose to be better. My friend thank you.:)

My Dearest Spirit Dancer!
My heart aches for you. May you be wrapped in love, strength and comfort as you walk this most difficult path. Thinking of you and always here if you need anything...

Thinking of you!
Angel~
Angel, Thank you for the kind words, they speak volumes.(f)


My heart goes out to you and your family. I am so sorry for your loss. Wishing you all be surrounded with much love and support. This song is to honor of your DAD. :cat: Pashi

<object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/VTUcEjkwIN0&hl=en_US&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/VTUcEjkwIN0&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>

Pashi~ what a beautiful video, my guess is there's a smile on his face. My friend you are so very special(f)

[Andrew, Jr.]

There is a camp for kids (ages 6 - 17) called Camp Erin. There are 36 camps in 23 states. Look it up online under the name.

Peace & Love to all,
Andrew

[Spirit Dancer]

For many reasons I sit and post this today, but the main one being there is no time limit on ones grief. Today is the day we lay my father to rest, it's been difficult this past week and the closer I got to leaving the harder it become to deal with the over whelming feelings I was facing. In the same time it would seem some thought me distant and off of the normal path.
Why can't it be that my head space isn't where others deem I need to be, why can I not just grief without judgement.
Not everyone grieves the same way, I shut down always have and proably always will, especially with those who do not know me. Life is not fair and no two are alike, just wishing there was more compassion and less judging when it comes to grieving.

Blessings,
Spirit

[diamondrose]

Much Support Spirit.

[Sybelle]

Today my father took his last walk along the red road, he's now at peace;
In a better place so they say, but grief consumes those left behind,
even when we expect it, there's never a preparation for good bye.
Pain sears and tears blind, grief... there is no time limit for when it ends.
RIP Dad:police:

So sorry for your loss. Hope today goes ok for you and yours. Many hugs!

[Andrew, Jr.]

Grief has no time limit. And there is not a thing anyone can say or do to take the pain away. Nothing. In fact, it is paralyzing at times. Some people take it with a grain of salt, and others it is like waves crashing on a beach.

I am still grief stricken over the loss of my sister, Jo. She was such a beautiful woman, inside and out. Her husband took down the Caringbridge Website. Thank God. If he didn't it would be me, and his sons going there on a daily basis.
For now we have the disk that was used for her viewing. I am hoping to be able to put that away one day...when I am ready to do so.

The one thing I cannot stand is when someone says something rude or stupid to me like "it was her time" or "get over it" or "move on - she's gone". UGH! I hate it when people say that. They have no clue.

Yes, I know Jo is in Heaven. Yes, I know Jo has recovered fully from her disease. Yes, this is my hope for her, but I miss her. My heart is crushed. That is just how it is. One day we will be reunited. It is my faith, and belief. I just ask people not to take that from me. It gives me hope.

Namaste,
Andrew

[Tommi]

For many reasons I sit and post this today, but the main one being there is no time limit on ones grief. Today is the day we lay my father to rest, .....

.....why can I not just grief without judgement?

..... just wishing there was more compassion and less judging when it comes to grieving.

Blessings,
Spirit

Sending a caravan of compassion...without judgement, for you yo take as needed, as often or not as you deem fit.

For my fathers funeral I had the casket spray sent from a florist with card reading.

"May we all now rest in peace._

His child.

Take tears as the cleansing purging of you own needs, and enrich the earth SpiritDancer.

Best regards,

Tommi :paw::paw:

[Sybelle]

Yesterday was bittersweet. A good day overall. Just - the little things you miss.

Dad would call me in the morning to sing "Happy Birthday". Started it after I left home and continued up until the year of his passing in 2008.

[Tommi]

We adopted Dusty, the gregarious male long hair black kitten 13 years ago on May 15.My Ex is flying home from work tonight, to be with him during his final days. Dusty wants to say goodbye soon. His jaw cancer has taken it's toll and it is time.

We will take him for his final ride this week, and grieve another loss. She will be inconsolable and I know it. We lost his younger brother in Dec. to bowel cancer. I worry about her, and her never ending grief.

I watched the movie "You Don't Know Jack" and realized how fortunate pets are.

[waxnrope]

I grieve, yet death has not yet come. I do not know if I can stand it when it does. The last of my blood, separated in childhood, found in youth, and to be lost once again.

[redrose]

my father died last June, 2009 (the best father we could ever have)
my butch died last August, 2009 (the meaning of my life,,, my first & my last)
- me and my butch were together for 15years -

,,, am still crying every night ,,, (f)

[JustBeingMe]

To all of you that are grieving and have already grieved, may you be blessed.
Me, I still haven't been able to grieve my dad's death in Jan. I just have too much crap going on in life to be able to do that right now. UGH

[Andrew, Jr.]

Justbeingme,

Grief has no time table. You will grieve when it is time.

Tommi,

I am lifting you up in prayer.

Redrose,

I am so very sorry for your losses. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Sybelle and Waxnrope,

I am so sorry. Thank you for participating in this thread. It is a great comfort to have you here.

I lost my younger brother to suicide over 32+ years ago. The anniversary of his death comes and goes. Life goes on. I find it strange some days. I know that there isn't a day that passes when I don't think of him. Suicide is just very different in and of itself.

I wish everyone here peace.

Andrew

[JediMaster]

For many reasons I sit and post this today, but the main one being there is no time limit on ones grief. Today is the day we lay my father to rest, it's been difficult this past week and the closer I got to leaving the harder it become to deal with the over whelming feelings I was facing. In the same time it would seem some thought me distant and off of the normal path.
Why can't it be that my head space isn't where others deem I need to be, why can I not just grief without judgement.
Not everyone grieves the same way, I shut down always have and proably always will, especially with those who do not know me. Life is not fair and no two are alike, just wishing there was more compassion and less judging when it comes to grieving.

Blessings,
Spirit
Spirit,

When my mother passed I was too young to have the appropriate words or response to know how to verbalize the loss of a parent. Just know in your heart that I can relate and I know what you are feeling and that all is ok to have and feel.

Namaste,

Jedi

[Andrew, Jr.]

Spirit Dancer,

I understand what you mean about the lack of compassion and judgement on those who are grieving. For me when my sister died, I got remarks like "get over it" or "it was her time to die". Now when my younger brother committed suicide, people just did not know what to say. I often heard things like "he wasn't happy here" or that "he is happy now". I just shake my head. The ups and downs of grief and then the emotional tugs is overwhelming. All I can say is that nobody is free from death. Everyone will experience it one day. Some sooner than others. When the shoe is on the other foot, then we will see what happens.

Just remember that grief has no time limit.

Love and peace,
Andrew

[Butterbean]

Mom & Dad, I love and miss you both so much...

http://i981.photobucket.com/albums/ae292/Butterbean_album/IMG00207.jpg








.

[Kat_Fl]

Dear "Mom" :rrose:

Today is 2 yrs. since you went on your journey. I miss you so much. I know you're watching over me. There is never a day that goes by that you're not on my mind. :rrose:

We didn't always agree on everything but some how those issues do not matter anymore. What's important to me is that you knew how much "I love you" and I knew I was loved as well. :rrose:

Your memory keeps me grounded so your job was well done ... "Thank you Mom" ... for believing in me when I didn't believe in myself and for loving me regardless of our differences. I know and believe in my Heart .. we will see each other again. Please have some homemade cookies baked when I get there... I love you !! :rrose: ~ Karen ~ :rrose::rrose::rrose::rrose::rrose:

:rose:

[MsTinkerbelly]

My Father passed away suddenly of a heart attack in 2000, and my beloved Grandfather 6 wks later. In November 2009 my Grandmother went to join them, and my Mother....my often imperfect, but always loving Mother passed this last Saturday the 22nd.

I have missed my Father and Grandfather every day since they left, but over time it became a warm glow I carried around with me everywhere I went. I honestly can't say if I will survive the latest loss....I know in my head I have to be here for my daughter and spouse, but the grief, the unending pain in my soul.....

[Scota_Parisi]

One week ago, today - The storms and terrors were too much for my boy. His hips had been bothering him and we were trying new meds. But all the overnight pacing and panic with those bad storms on Tuesday - he couldn't walk Wednesday morning.

From a six week old fluffball with blue eyes to a huge 90 pound horse/dog - he was something else. He was my friend, sidekick, grandpup, a sibling to my kids, snack loving, cookie thief, houdini dog, sammich grabbin', white hair sheddin' hound. We sang songs about him and quite often he sang with us.

The kids didn't live with me as they were growing up. And he loved their visits, evident by the way he would practically recline on Brandon or Dani any chance he could. You could tell he wanted to keep them - just by his facial expressions. "Mom, can we keep them? Pleeaase?"

Oh... and he was a back talker, especially at bedtime - fussing back at me with the kids laughing as I would shoo him downstairs. And being a houdini hound he quite often found his way back upstairs with them.

He would sit on the couch curled up with me after they went back to their Dad's in Wisconsin. Sadness shared.

Anybody that met him, couldn't help but like and/or love him. His size intimidated people, but it didn't take long to see beyond it.

Almost 13 years of memories, stories, lots of laughter and lots and lots of love.

His last few years were more quiet, tried to keep things comfortable for him. And being an elderly boy, he slept a lot.

More than a dog, way much more than a pet - he was a beautiful Being.

And Lord, how the house - is so empty.

-kSrV_CubiQ

[naturlover_52]

Scota and others....

I know what is to lose someone that means A LOT to U....

this last Nov 2 I lost my Momma...she was a great woman and very very special to me. She wasn't just my mom..and now I am slowly losing my Dad too. He has was diagnoised w/ alzheimer's about 2 yrs ago and he is slowly going down hill and it is very hard to watch a man who for 22 yrs taught Honors biology at the local high school. Now I have to repeat things to him over and over and over again. Like just now he couldn't remember what month we are in and this is a Great sadness to me. I live w/ him and help him. I know that this is a continuous down hill and MORE to come. IT is just very hard to see.

sooo thanks for letting me post

:watereyes::hanging:

[ruthie14]

Just talked with my former stepfather. My stepsister passed away today. We were never real close, but we have known each other since we were 4 years old. Had our first day of school together. Such a shame. Her children are in their late 20"s... too young. Can't help but cry.

[JustBeingMe]

It's been 9 months since my step father passed and I still have not had time to be able to grieve over his loss. He is a great person that I love very dearly and I miss him. Maybe after next week's crap is over and done with, I can finally take a deep breath, get on with my life, and grieve at this time.

Ruthie, I am sorry for your loss. I wish you healing and comfort.

[naturlover_52]

Ruthie....I understand that....what UR going thru....and I am truely sorry for UR loss. I am grieving all the time about MY mom....she was my biggest ally and the glue that held OUR family together. And yes.....it will take a while for the hurt to lessen....JUST take care and take the time to grieve

[Scota_Parisi]

What a day. Four months ago, today. :badmood:

I know, he was old. And I know he is at rest and at peace and all that blah blah blah. Damned if I'm not angry though. Want him back. Give anything to hear his big feet stomp through the house in the middle of the night.

And that I made that choice.. to end it for him. Hurts.

Remember my daughter saying that day that it felt like her brother had died. And I told her, "far as I'm concerned, he was your brother."

Some days it just.. hits me.

Sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks.

[cody]

[QUOTE=JustBeingMe;192689]It's been 9 months since my step father passed and I still have not had time to be able to grieve over his loss. He is a great person that I love very dearly and I miss him. Maybe after next week's crap is over and done with, I can finally take a deep breath, get on with my life, and grieve at this time.

Ruthie, I am sorry for your loss. I wish you healing and comfort.[/QUOTE

please allow yourself to gieve soon. its something that will eat at you until you do.. it did me, no mater how hard i tried to step past it. sorry for you loss as well as the others that have lost a close or loved one its never easy even when you know its coming

[Mtn]

I lost my oldest daughter, 2 days before her 32nd birthday, to ovarian cancer, about 4 months ago, and I am deep in the grief right now....Grief can take one's breath away like nothing else can I have learned....I DO NOT LIKE IT.....

[LipstickLola]

I've read through several of these posts and want you to know how incredibly touched I am right now with the level of sharing and the out pouring of your grief. While I realize that there truly are no words that can ever take away this type of pain, I want to say that love lives on, it's the bridge between us and our loved ones that we will see again one day.

Huge hugs to each one of you. How long you grieve, how you grieve is a highly personal thing, if writing helps you, please do so, there is always someone here to read!

((((())))

[socialjustice_fsu]

When the heart grieves over what is lost, the spirit rejoices over what is left.

[AtLast]

I am told that I have undergone more than "the norm" of grief of in losing significant loved ones starting fairly young. Have no idea if that is true as I know others that have had rapid-fire, multiple deaths in their lives.

What grief has become for me is a passage to strength and will that I don't believe I would have experienced at such levels in my life without these losses. And being able to say no to the endless trivia I often see keeping people back from exercising the control we really do have over our lives. When I begin to think about changing something in my life and begin with the thought "I can't because....."- I know I need to ask if that "because" is really all that insurmountable- it usually isn't, just not easy to rid myself of or deal with directly. I am simply going for what might be easier rather than what is best.

Grief must be allowed to run its course and is difficult, yet, has been a catalyst for taking better care of myself emotionally and not taking things for granted that I have been blessed with. Separating what does and does not matter.

[MsTinkerbelly]

I lost my Mother in May of this year. I used to call home and check in with her every day at 10am when I had to work. Now, 10am comes and I sit quietly remembering the loss.

I wish I could explain grief so that those that have never faced it would know the devastating SORROW you feel in your very soul....the ache that is never gone, only dulled with time. Flying home from Europe planning what pictures I was going to show her, and what to tell her about the wonderful places I had gone, and then, remembering.......breaking out in tears....sitting on a plane being held by my spouse.

Someone told me that they understood someone leaving him that could not take his grief and responsibilities....it takes someone strong and loving to be there day after day with someone so preoccupied....if they can leave so easily, what does that say about when things REALLY get tough?

Sorry, rambling a bit....

[Andrew, Jr.]

Everyone grieves at their own pace. There is no exact time for anything. I know that I am still working on the loss of my sister (skin cancer) and brother (suicide). Their birthdays and the anniversary of their deaths...some go by fast, and unnoticed, and others drag by so slowly.

Cleaning out their rooms, packing away certain items of theirs for later on, or giving things of theirs to a charity...devistating. It rips your heart and soul out.

I went to a grief support group called Grief Share. It is a world wide Christain organization. I highly recommend it. It helped me, and so many others. With the holidays coming up, depression and suicide seem to jump according to the statistics. I don't want anyone to suffer like I have. Suicide is no laughing matter. Some folks change up their rituals of having a huge meal, or watching parades on TV. For example, I go and feed the homeless and poor in Balto. City. There is a woman at Grief Share who goes to Florida on vacation. She is divorced, and her only child (a daughter) died from meningitis (sp??). The loss was so great that she had to change the holidays and rituals. She goes with her parents (she is an only child as well), and they travel to various parts of Florida. It is how they cope with the loss.

[ravfem]

At the age of 16, i got pregnant for the first time. At my 6 month check-up, they put the monitor on my tummy so we could all hear the heartbeat, as usual. Only, this time there was none detected. The nurse assured me this was common and he probably was just situated so that it wasn't easily detected. The next morning i went for an ultrasound. my mama was with me. They let me watch the screen, and as soon as they started the test i could see him, and i fell in love. i was crying with happiness. But everyone else was quiet. The dr kept moving the thing around, and began poking my tummy harder & harder.

Finally, he looked at my mama and said, "he's dead....he's not alive."

i was in shock. i started crying and i heard my mama tell the dr that she had lost her first baby too (i had had no idea before then).

They sent me to the dr's office to have seaweed sticks inserted to begin dilating my cervix. While there, a nurse talked to me about what i could expect and all the emotions i would go through. i don't really remember much of the talk.

my mama took me from there to the hair stylist's to get my hair cut (i had to be presentable for the hospital stay). The girl doing my hair was making small talk.... "do you know what you're having??". i just mumbled, "no" and was quiet.

The next morning, i was admitted and started on an IV to induce labor. 12 hours later, i delivered my baby boy, Michael, alone in the room by myself. (it hadn't been too long before that they'd checked my progress and i sent my husband to go get the nurse when i felt him actually crown).

As she did the cord cutting and wrapping him up in a blanket, i had my head turned and my eyes shut tight. i felt numb. She gently asked if i would like to see him or hold him. i shook my head no, imagining a monster.... She took him away and my family came in a few minutes later.

They put me in a private room at the end of the maternity ward. i heard babies crying, parents celebrating.... and i cried. my milk came in and they gave me a shot to dry it up.

3 days later (this tells you how long ago it happened....3 whole days i stayed in the hospital!) the dr came in to discharge me. At the end of the visit, i told him how much i regretted not holding Michael. He pulled out a small picture from the breast pocket of his shirt and handed it to me.... it was my baby, perfectly formed. He weighed 14 ounces.

When i got home, my husband tucked me in bed and brought a briefcase in to me. Inside were the hospital bracelets for Michael, along with his footprints, the card announcing his birth weight & name, and the hospital blanket. i added the picture, and after the graveside services held for him, the guest book.

i carried that briefcase with me through my many moves for over 2 decades. An ex had a friend who worked for a gravestone maker, and asked her to make a small granite marker for me, with his name & the date. i moved that each time too.

It was years before i finished my grieving process for him. But i finally did a few years ago. i got rid of the briefcase & marker. i realized no longer needed them, and that ridding myself of them had nothing to do with my remembering him.

i still occasionally think of him. Wonder what he'd be like today, at the age of 26. i have my living son Tony to compare him to, although logically i know that the 6 years between their births made a huge difference in their non-comparable upbringings.

Each year on his birth day, i send him kisses & hugs.

i no longer feel sad, because i know that Mama Nature knew what was best for him, and for me.

i learned, because of Michael, that no one in the world has the right to tell you how long your grieving should last, or that they know what you're going through because they've been there too. They may know some similarities.... but they are not me and therefor they do not know how i felt.

i also learned that i did indeed have to let go. That it was not healthy for me to hang on to him or to my life at that time. The guilt i felt for what i may have done to cause his death was only killing me slowly....there was no purpose for it. It happened as it was meant to happen....Mother Nature knows best.

[chefhmboyrd]

I lost my Da October 1st of this year. Mam gave me some of his things, hat, clothes etc..
I still reach in the closet and put my face into the shirt was wearing the day before. Smells like him, and I try not to cry, but sometimes I do. Even now just the thought that I will never see him, hear his voice, or hug him, just hits me and I feel myself falling apart.
He was all I ever hoped to be.

I miss you Da!

[Mtn]

[QUOTE=MsTinkerbelly;230550]I lost my Mother in May of this year. I used to call home and check in with her every day at 10am when I had to work. Now, 10am comes and I sit quietly remembering the loss.

QUOTE]

I can really relate to this, when my daughter was sick, even when I was at work, if noone else was answering the phone I would walk over and check the caller id and answer it no matter what if it was her number, I still do this,her yahoo email has recently started sending out spam, and it gets me everytime I all of a sudden open my mail and there is one from her addy. makes me shiver...

[Mr. Moon]

[QUOTE=MsTinkerbelly;230550]I lost my Mother in May of this year. I used to call home and check in with her every day at 10am when I had to work. Now, 10am comes and I sit quietly remembering the loss.

QUOTE]

I can really relate to this, when my daughter was sick, even when I was at work, if noone else was answering the phone I would walk over and check the caller id and answer it no matter what if it was her number, I still do this,her yahoo email has recently started sending out spam, and it gets me everytime I all of a sudden open my mail and there is one from her addy. makes me shiver...

I lost my brother last week. I'm just beginning this process. I get what you're saying about emails, because facebook keeps popping up with his icon. It takes my breath away. :(

Hang in there everyone.
-Mr. Moon

[JakeTulane]

I think the hardest part is that I feel like time does not ease the pain. I lost My Dad.. 3 years ago and it still feels like yesterday. I was going through My email folders and found the one that I made that carries his obituary and notes from friends, co-workers, etc and the pain just comes flooding back in.

I can remember thinking when I was younger that I wished I had no memory.. because I did not want to remember certain things that had happened in My life.

Now, I am forever thankful that I have one.

As Mr. Moon said.. hanging in there.. and talk to others about the loss if you can.. because that is the one thing that I find that truly does help.

[CherylNYC]

I lost my partner in an accident in 2003. I still miss her, and I still catch myself thinking about how much better everything was when she was here. I was so overwhelmed with grief for the first few years that it seemed like it would never get better. It did, but I was changed in many ways.

I lost my next girlfriend in Dec of '08. We had 8 1/2 days notice this time. I spent all of '09 crashing every vehicle I could get my hands on, some of them multiple times. I walked away from all of them. I spent all of this year getting moving violations, but I'm no longer crashing.

My friends are nervously waiting for me to find some other way to grieve. I stay very, very busy. I've been funneling my energy into a motorcycle advocacy organisation that I started in the spring of '08. All my time is now occupied doing useful work, which was my goal. I may be a bit too busy and stressed out, though. I recently developed shingles. Ach!

I'm approaching the second anniversary of my gf's passing, and this May will be my late partner's ninth anniversary. It still feels raw and fresh. I wish I could tell everyone how easy it becomes, but that would be a lie. It may not become easy, but eventually the grief becomes a part of your life, rather than your whole life.

Take care of yourselves this Holiday season.

[Sam]

as i sat here reading all 6 pages, i feel for each and everyone of you.

i lost my mom 17 years ago this month, my dad june 06. i havent lost
anyone that close to my heart until today.

we lost my sons grandmother to cancer. she has had it over the last 20 years,
she turned 77 on nov 3rd. she had gone down hill this year, but nothing like the last 30 days. its a mean disease.

i truly dont know how kelle will grieve, but it scares me to death.

Kelle's mom was a great woman, she was standing across from me when kelle gave birth to Avery. it is something that i will never forget. although kelle and havent been together, we share a son, and her family is like my own.

i know we will grieve differently, but i will keep grandmama alive in my son's eyes for the rest of my life.

RIP Annie Ruth Milliken

[Miss Scarlett]

I lost my Mother in May of this year. I used to call home and check in with her every day at 10am when I had to work. Now, 10am comes and I sit quietly remembering the loss.

I wish I could explain grief so that those that have never faced it would know the devastating SORROW you feel in your very soul....the ache that is never gone, only dulled with time. Flying home from Europe planning what pictures I was going to show her, and what to tell her about the wonderful places I had gone, and then, remembering.......breaking out in tears....sitting on a plane being held by my spouse.

Someone told me that they understood someone leaving him that could not take his grief and responsibilities....it takes someone strong and loving to be there day after day with someone so preoccupied....if they can leave so easily, what does that say about when things REALLY get tough?

Sorry, rambling a bit....

(((((MsTinkerbelly))))) I know exactly what you mean. I lost my Mom on March 12, 2007. I hate needing her and reaching for the phone only to remember she isn't there.

There are absolutely no words to describe losing your mother. Devastating grief is a good start but there is a cold, hollowness that never goes away. I'm not sure you get used to it - even though I have heard that from many people. You certainly never get over it.

When she was sick I used to call during the day to check on her - my employer (who KNEW my Mom had terminal cancer and was not expected to live more than a month) at the time actually chastised me for "spending entirely too much time on the phone with your mother during the day." The calls were made before work hours, on what was supposed to be my lunch break and right before I went out the door at night. If Dad was not there I would make a short call mid-morning or mid-afternoon to see how she was. Those calls lasted less than 2 minutes. The calls made on my own time averaged about 5 minutes if that.

My stepmother is a nice lady but she is not Mom. Dad isn't any help at all. He doesn't want to talk about anything painful. I have my journals and my art and twice a month I see a counselor.

[MsTinkerbelly]

as i sat here reading all 6 pages, i feel for each and everyone of you.

i lost my mom 17 years ago this month, my dad june 06. i havent lost
anyone that close to my heart until today.

we lost my sons grandmother to cancer. she has had it over the last 20 years,
she turned 77 on nov 3rd. she had gone down hill this year, but nothing like the last 30 days. its a mean disease.

i truly dont know how kelle will grieve, but it scares me to death.

Kelle's mom was a great woman, she was standing across from me when kelle gave birth to Avery. it is something that i will never forget. although kelle and havent been together, we share a son, and her family is like my own.

i know we will grieve differently, but i will keep grandmama alive in my son's eyes for the rest of my life.

RIP Annie Ruth Milliken

Many Blessings to you and yours during this horrible time.(f)

[MsTinkerbelly]

I lost my partner in an accident in 2003. I still miss her, and I still catch myself thinking about how much better everything was when she was here. I was so overwhelmed with grief for the first few years that it seemed like it would never get better. It did, but I was changed in many ways.

I lost my next girlfriend in Dec of '08. We had 8 1/2 days notice this time. I spent all of '09 crashing every vehicle I could get my hands on, some of them multiple times. I walked away from all of them. I spent all of this year getting moving violations, but I'm no longer crashing.

My friends are nervously waiting for me to find some other way to grieve. I stay very, very busy. I've been funneling my energy into a motorcycle advocacy organisation that I started in the spring of '08. All my time is now occupied doing useful work, which was my goal. I may be a bit too busy and stressed out, though. I recently developed shingles. Ach!

I'm approaching the second anniversary of my gf's passing, and this May will be my late partner's ninth anniversary. It still feels raw and fresh. I wish I could tell everyone how easy it becomes, but that would be a lie. It may not become easy, but eventually the grief becomes a part of your life, rather than your whole life.

Take care of yourselves this Holiday season.

I cannot imagine, nor do I ever hope to know the pain of this most personal of losses....your partner/mate.

Many Blessings for strength (f)

[DomnNC]

I lost my partner in an accident in 2003. I still miss her, and I still catch myself thinking about how much better everything was when she was here. I was so overwhelmed with grief for the first few years that it seemed like it would never get better. It did, but I was changed in many ways.

I lost my next girlfriend in Dec of '08. We had 8 1/2 days notice this time. I spent all of '09 crashing every vehicle I could get my hands on, some of them multiple times. I walked away from all of them. I spent all of this year getting moving violations, but I'm no longer crashing.

My friends are nervously waiting for me to find some other way to grieve. I stay very, very busy. I've been funneling my energy into a motorcycle advocacy organisation that I started in the spring of '08. All my time is now occupied doing useful work, which was my goal. I may be a bit too busy and stressed out, though. I recently developed shingles. Ach!

I'm approaching the second anniversary of my gf's passing, and this May will be my late partner's ninth anniversary. It still feels raw and fresh. I wish I could tell everyone how easy it becomes, but that would be a lie. It may not become easy, but eventually the grief becomes a part of your life, rather than your whole life.

Take care of yourselves this Holiday season.

I can totally relate to your losses. I lost my wife as well, it will be 3 years this November 26th, tho it seems like yesterday, God how I hate this flippin' month. I can vividly recall that night and all the events that transpired. I can almost feel my hands on her chest doing chest compressions and screaming at her not to leave me this way, begging her to come back. I can feel my lips against hers as I tried to breathe life back into her, all to no avail. I can remember standing in the door way pleading with her to come back as the medics worked on her, then them finally pulling me from the door way and walking me to the living room. I knew she was gone before I ever started CPR but I had to try. I begged God to take me instead, he wouldn't. My heart and soul were ripped out that night as well, I don't know that they will ever be back. Not only did I lose my wife, I lost my best friend and I lost my soul mate. I carried a lot of guilt for the first year of her passing, I had done CPR on quite a few people in my lifetime and they all made it, hell I even did CPR on a dog before and he made it, she didn't. I went over and over in my mind if I did something wrong during CPR, if I had just done something different. I was her Dominant, her Master and I had failed to protect her somehow, the guilt consumed me for the first year.
I take a little solace and peace in knowing that the last 3 words from her lips to me were "I love you" and the last 3 words she heard before she died from me, "I love you". We never went to sleep or left the other to go somewhere without telling each other that just because you never know what will happen.
We were watching a football game, she decided to go to sleep, laid down and reached for the trashcan and threw up a little. I asked her if she was alright, no response, I asked again, no response. Our dog jumped up and ran toward her head barking and I jumped out of bed and ran around to her side of the bed, lifted her back on the bed, checked for a pulse, none, she wasn't breathing. She had a pulmonary embolism which broke loose in her lung and hit her heart, she died instantly. The Dr's tell me she suffered no pain and there was nothing anyone could have done to save her, even them.
We were friends for 10 years before we got together, we were together for almost 17 years, that's 27 years total yet it was not enough.
People will say it gets better, that's b/s. I will never forget her or stop loving her. I visit her grave, as she is buried in my hometown and I've since moved back here, sit and talk to her. Yes, I apologize to her for not protecting her and keeping her safe.
We did have talks back when I had to have my first neck surgery and the risks were high that if something ever happened to one of us that the other would find happiness and someone to love them again. I know it would take someone special as they would have to accept her as being part of my life as well.

To all of those dealing with loss, don't let anyone push you or tell you that you should be "over" it by now or some other type of bull. Heal in your own time, there is no set time limit on grief. We all deal with it and handle it in many different ways. Remember, you can keep them alive always within your heart.

[Julie]

I still carry with me the loss and at times, responsibility of Rachel's death. Rachel and I were together when the boys were quite young and together for 7 years. Rachel had dual personality disorder, was bi-polar and manic depression. I did not know this when we were dating, nor did I know it until a few months after she moved in with us. My reaction was pretty strong and I was angry and felt deceived. I could not honestly say I would have entered a relationship knowing how deep her mental illness went, not with having kids.

For almost our entire 7 year relationship, I was held hostage by her threats of suicide - If I did not do something or upset her or left her. She would kill herself. I finally did leave and she came close to ending her life. I was given the responsibility of having her committed or bringing her home with me and the kids again. Rachel begged me not to hospitalize her, as (I learned later) she spent from the age of 17 to 27 in hospitals.

2 years after we split up and shortly after I was living with my partner (now ex). I received the phone call at 8am, while at work - that Rachel had hung herself the night before. Rachel and I spoke almost daily, up until the night before she died. She was in so many ways more like a child to me, than a partner. That was my role, to keep her safe and alive... I fell apart when she died. I am not sure how my partner dealt with it... But she did. My children and I were forbidden to go to her funeral. So much so, they kept the location hidden from us. My partner at the time helped me arrange a memorial service for my kids and for me. They could not say goodbye and neither could I, without this.

I know deep inside, that it was really not my fault she died. But still, I feel responsible. If I had not left her, maybe she would still be alive. Her family, still today (we live in a small town) still blame me. Years later, I will run into someone and I will get the looks or the comments. I stay away from the center of my small town, because I still on some level believe them, that it is my fault. Even though (intellectually) I know it was not. But I promised, I would always keep her safe and I did not.

It's amazing the head trips we can lay on ourselves. I have only been to the cemetery a few times... And it's like they have camera's there, because every time I have gone - her family shows up and makes me leave. Now, as I drive by - I honk the horn.

I still grieve her and miss her very much. This has in so many ways scared me from trusting myself with others. I feel sometimes like I am this person who only brings hurt into relationships, that I am dangerous to be around. Pretty messed up!

Sorry it's so long... It's good to write about it.

[cody]

http://i747.photobucket.com/albums/xx111/milesofthread/045.jpg

[cody]

opps did know the pic was going to be so big!!!

[Gabriella]

Last month October, my ex-husband passed away. We hadn't had an ugly marriage nor an ugly divorce, one day we were different people. We share a son.
We'd been divorced for 30 yrs. I'd moved away and he'd also moved and everyone went on with there lives. We didn't often and hadn't had any conversation in the past 10 yrs or more. When I got the call and was speaking with his sister, she thanked me for really loving her brother and she wondered why I'd never remarried but knew why her brother had never remarried, I'd been the one she said, oh he dated alot but never another wife. After hanging up I sat here and was overwhelmed with sadness, I cried, and cried, I realized that I'd really loved him, and I grieved the end of a marriage, I grieved the loss of my son's father, I grieved the loss of my love..It's only been a month and I find myself getting teary and sad..But you know what the hardest part is? Is just knowing that they're not on the planet anymore..

6 yrs. ago I lost a ex lover to cancer..we'd been ex's for about 3yrs. We'd never lived together, we didn't even live in the same state most of the time. I'd met her when I was in my twenty's not even really out yet..Ran into her one night in Kansas City, during the evening she made the comment that she was saving me for the last...And that was the start of an on an off affair that lasted 22 years..If we were single at the same time we were together always different states sometimes a couple years, couple months, a weekend...She ended up moving back home an illness in the family and thought perhaps we should try this properly, we rented an apartment together and never moved in..I'd live at mine, she at her's and we'd met at the apartment we called it the sneak joint, and we were together a couple..
we did that for a few years then things changed, she moved back to Chicago.
I knew she was sick but I didn't know the tummy trouble was cancer and not terrible ulcers as she lead me to believe. I'd visit, and knew something was wrong talk to her friends and they were pretty mum...I have insomnia and she never slept so we always talked in the middle of the night I always knew I could pick up that phone and she'd answer. One day I called and there wasn't an answer, and I knew she wasn't on the planet anymore..
That's what makes me so sad....

[MsTinkerbelly]

To say that I really enjoy reading what everyone has to say might seem a bit odd....but, I feel like I'm not alone.

Blessings to all-

Cindy (f)

[JakeTulane]

I just got off the phone with My friend Christie awhile ago. I had not spoken to her in a month or so. She is one of My friends, where we do not talk every day yet we know the other is there. So, I called her just to see how she was doing.

I knew right away by the tone of her voice something was wrong. Her Mom passed away just two days ago. Apparently she choked on something, and they were not able to get the ambulance to her house in time.. she was pronounced dead by the time they got her to the ER.

I cried on the phone with her. Again, all the memories came flooding back of the losses I have experienced. One particular.

Many years ago I lost an ex to suicide. Robyn. I can vividly remember the day I received the phone call at My work from her Dad. I was heading to a meeting and My director had answered the phone and said it was for Me. I was working for the DOD at the time and had just been handed a file of classified material that you must read right away, sign off on it, and pass it along or shred it if you are the last on the list for reading. I told My Director, please not now, can you take a message. He said, "It is a gentleman and he is crying."

The whole conversation with her Dad.. was Why? Did she show any signs to Me that she was unhappy? Anything at all that would have led Me to think she wanted to take her life? There was nothing. I had no clue. No forewarning. We were about to move into a home together. We had picked it out together. She had left her job as an airline stewardess and was working for a great law firm. She "seemed" to be so happy. We were so happy.

She left a note - telling her parents that she loved them, that she loved Me..and she wanted to be buried with a necklace I had purchased for her.

To this day I still wonder why. Was there something I did not see? Was there something I could have done to prevent it?

I have only talked about losing her to My family and a couple of others. I have held in the feeling of guilt for so long..

I am letting it go here..

Thank you for everyone that is sharing.

Especially InfiniteFemme.. because of your post.. I decided to write this all down.

[naturlover_52]

Take all the time you need to grieve Cody and I just love the pic that you put up....As many of you know that I lost my Mom a yr ago at the beginning of this month. IT is still really hard for me and this yr IT will be really weird due to the fact that all of us have pretty much Scattered w/ the wind. I do have my Brother and MY kid who is grown and her mom and MY dad to talk to but also Dad. But w/ Dad it is hard because he is dealing w/ His Alzheimer's. Also getting ready for this holiday I will finally having a tree Because my animals will not be w/ me. Had to Give them up too, because I am moving to a place that doesn't allow them and Also right now I am not able to care for them like I could. I am lucky that no kill shelters were found for ALL three of them and that the 2 kitties get to go to the same place. The cats won't be together very long because I can see the smaller of the 2 being adopted fairly quickly because she is such a lover. I am just grateful that they will be taken care of And I won't have to worry. Yes, this has been a yr of Hard knocks.
take care all and thanks for letting me rant.

[MsTinkerbelly]

This is a really tough time of year for a lot of people, whether they have lost someone or not. First of all, be good to yourselves...do what you need to get through it/enjoy it/survive it.

My Sister has handled the loss of my Mom by headed to the river with her boyfriend and kids for the holiday....I debated long and hard on what to do this year so not only could I survive it, I could even enjoy it.

So we are having Thanksgiving Dinner for our little family and a few friends, and then Friday we are heading to Palm Springs and a nice resort until Sunday. New traditions....but missing my Mom so much all I want to do is stand in one place and scream/cry/beg God for one more day with her.

(w)

[Andrew, Jr.]

Rosie's Aunt died yesterday. She was in her 60's, but had many health problems. This is really a blessing. Family is flying in from Calif. today. Tomorrow is the funeral. It should be today - following the traditional Jewish belief. Getting plane tickets is way to hard right now with the holiday.

Andrew

[Mr. Moon]

Oh Woodie! Please hug her for me! I am so so sorry!
Let me know if you need anything ok??

Sure is a bad time of year for all this.

Hang in there.
xo,
Moonie

[Andrew, Jr.]

When it rains, it pours. I just shake my head. It just never stops. We need a break for sure.

Thanks Mr. Moon!

[naturlover_52]

I am soo sorry to hear and I know how it is
I have no one for the holidays. And Gf is all the way in Conn

[lipstixgal]

I have no one either no parents , no sister or brother or family to speak of and even if I did have family they don't invite me because I'm Jewish and they are not so its just another day for me...No gf either..

[cody]

i kind of try to stay out of here.. this time of year can be so sad for many of us.. i just wonder how long it is until one can move forward in life.. how long until one can "be" with someone new for more then a nite or two. how long befor those old feelings stop interupting the new. am i suposed to try and stop them? or should i just continue to step back? its like shes still holding on to her place in my heart and isnt willing to share. i cant/dont want to "block her" but wish she would move forward with me always being a part of me..

[CherylNYC]

i kind of try to stay out of here.. this time of year can be so sad for many of us.. i just wonder how long it is until one can move forward in life.. how long until one can "be" with someone new for more then a nite or two. how long befor those old feelings stop interupting the new. am i suposed to try and stop them? or should i just continue to step back? its like shes still holding on to her place in my heart and isnt willing to share. i cant/dont want to "block her" but wish she would move forward with me always being a part of me..

I know exactly how you feel, Cody. I had a very rough time trying to move forward after I lost my partner in '03. It was so hard to talk to anyone about anything without referring back to Sharon. And then I would end up feeling odd and uncomfortable because I was always talking about someone who had passed. If I was interacting with someone who didn't know about my loss I would feel that I was just dragging everyone down into my world of woe by mentioning her death. I was just such a .... bummer!

It was so difficult for me that I ended up doing something that, in retrospect, was really bizarre. Sharon was killed in an accident so there was no warning. There was a traumatic quality to that loss and I ended up with some weird behaviours. I had trouble consistently using the past tense when speaking about Sharon after her accident. In fact, I had so much trouble that I stopped trying, and just spoke about her in the present tense as if she was still here. She kind of was, anyway. Sharon and I spoke often, and she was a strong presence in my life for years after she passed. There was no room at all for anyone new. In a lot of ways I was still carrying on my relationship with Sharon, who had never really fully left me.

It took years, but when I finally decided to make a strong effort to use the past tense whenever speaking about Sharon it created a big change in my outlook. That only happened because I was ready for it. No one else will be able to tell you how long it takes. There's no 'should'. It just takes as long as it takes.

Please take good care of yourself, especially during the holiday season.

[DomnNC]

Cheryl is right Bro, there's no set timetable. My wife passed away Thanksgiving weekend 3 years ago, I just haven't looked at it the same since then. Some days her presence is strong with me, some days not as strong but she's always there and always will be. I refuse to let her die in my heart as well and I don't think she ever will. However that doesn't mean there isn't room for someone new and when it's right it will just happen, that's all there is to it. Whoever that person is will have to accept my wife as well because I refuse to act/live as if I never had a life or love before them, she was part of who made me who I am today.

I had someone new in my life for about a year. I finally had to tell her it wasn't working out and it's not because of my departed wife, it was because she didn't want to work or contribute to the household and a host of other issues that crept up once I got to know her a bit better.

[MsTinkerbelly]

I managed to make it through the weekend in one piece, and actually had a better time of it than I thought I would. Oh there was a huge meltdown in the kitchen while holding the turkey, but my Kasey has the patience of a saint and the day continued on peacefully.

Memeories of past Holidays were there among the new ones, but we did something that made us all feel good to finish off the day; we packaged up individual Turkey dinners and went around the area giving food, blankets and cash to those less fortunate than ourselves. The girls felt good and had something to think about, and we were able to share the abundance of our lives. I think we have happened upon a brand new family tradition.:hangloose:

[Mr. Moon]

Well, the world is gearing up for Christmas.

I haven't thought much about it till today.

Bad day to say the least. I sat here tonight and watched a "tree" lighting in Baltimore on tv and just cried and cried.

This isn't going to be easy by no means.

My parents and I have started talking about doing something different for the holiday but somehow that feels just as awful and continuing our usual.

Somehow I have to gather some focus for gifts for folks....Time seems to be going so fast I suddenly feel rushed.

Anyway, thanks for this place that I can say all this and you all somehow understand.

I hope you all are doing well...
- Mr. Moon

[JAGG]

I lost my big brother in May. It was unexpected. He was diabetic but it had nothing to do with his death. He had an infection in his stomach they couldn't stop it from spreading.
His birthday was last week. He would have been 52. That was a hard day. But my heart really aches for my sister in law . My brother was her world ,her heart and soul, she truly loved him. She understood him, she knew how to get through to him. He was her rock. He died on there anniversary. Very sad. She is broken and lost . She struggles very hard everyday to press on without him. I wish I could make her pain disappear. She is my definition of a devoted and loving wife. She is so kind and so caring. But she has her mom and sister and neices and her sister's husband plus all my siblings to help her. We are all very close.
I know there was no other woman for my brother but her. I know in his life he felt truly loved because of her. I find comfort in that.
He was the best big brother. He taught me how to bat, and how to throw a baseball real fast. He taught me how to slide and how to steal a base. He taught me all the rules of football, and some good wrestling moves so I could make someone tap out. He was a boxer, and he used to let me spar with him at the Y when I was in high school. I loved going to the Y with him. We both love the Phillies and the Yankees and the Steelers.
He always bought the best christmas presents, and the best birthday gifts.
I miss talking about sports with him. He was the most intelligent of all my siblings, he could answer all the questions on jeapory, and don't ever play trivial pursuit with him.
I know he's with me sometimes I can feel him . Sure do miss him.

[MsTinkerbelly]

We have debated long and hard over what to do this holiday season....my Mom absolutely LOVED the Christmas Holiday. I really believe in my heart that she wants us to celebrate Christmas.

The same as always...no we are struggling to find something that feels comfortable.

Take care of yourselves. (f)

[MsTinkerbelly]

What a week!

My daughter had to go to CVS to pick up a couple of things, and as it was raining I took her over to the store. While I was there I thought I would pick up my Christmas cards to my Honey and my daughter; that was where Amy found me, standing in front of the greeting cards sobbing my heart out because I will never buy my Mom another card. Ever.

It is the unexpected things like that where I am reminded once again of how much I lost when she left us.

[Mr. Moon]

What a week!

My daughter had to go to CVS to pick up a couple of things, and as it was raining I took her over to the store. While I was there I thought I would pick up my Christmas cards to my Honey and my daughter; that was where Amy found me, standing in front of the greeting cards sobbing my heart out because I will never buy my Mom another card. Ever.

It is the unexpected things like that where I am reminded once again of how much I lost when she left us.

I understand this totally! I had a similar melt down about shopping because I wasn't shopping for my brother.


((((((((((You))))))))))))

My head knows this will get better....it just doesn't feel that way right now, does it?

Have a good holiday when you can!
-Mr. Moon

[MsTinkerbelly]

I understand this totally! I had a similar melt down about shopping because I wasn't shopping for my brother.


((((((((((You))))))))))))

My head knows this will get better....it just doesn't feel that way right now, does it?

Have a good holiday when you can!
-Mr. Moon


Thank you very much, you are very thoughtful for thinking of me during this most incredibly hard time for you and your family.

Many blessings to you and yours, with hope for a peaceful and healing New Year. (f)

[Mr. Moon]

Me again....

I just wanted to let this out before I explode...

Today has been a pretty damn awful day.

I can't get myself out of this ... whatever.

and, I figured some of you understand this.

But, I wrapped the gifts, got the food and will pack the car and the dog and go to my parents....

I hope tomorrow is better....but somehow...I really doubt that.

I wish you all a Happy Holiday. Love each other....

xo's,
-Mr. Moon

[MsTinkerbelly]

Me again....

I just wanted to let this out before I explode...

Today has been a pretty damn awful day.

I can't get myself out of this ... whatever.

and, I figured some of you understand this.

But, I wrapped the gifts, got the food and will pack the car and the dog and go to my parents....

I hope tomorrow is better....but somehow...I really doubt that.

I wish you all a Happy Holiday. Love each other....

xo's,
-Mr. Moon

I hope you are doing better, and that you made it through the Holiday okay. {{Mr. Moon}}

Blessings (f)

[Andrew, Jr.]

When my older sister died from cancer a little over 2 years ago, it hit me hard. There are alot of firsts that I remember...the first Christmas, JoAnn was gone and couldn't help decorate her home, the first birthday celebration of her youngest son - and she not present to help get bake his cake, and make a fantastic meal and invite oodles of people over to celebrate.

Death is forever. It changes everything about how I live life now. Her presence is felt. And she does live in her children, and how she raised them until she died. I can see her in them. The color of their hair, the smile, the simple hand gestures, and sometimes laughing I feel like it is her because of how similar it sounds.

So yes, I do understand. Remember we are just passing thru this life for the next.

I hope you all find some comfort and peace.

[iamkeri1]

Andrew, I can not believe it has been three years since your sister died. It was so hard for you. It's amazing to me that somehow we live through that kind of deep grief.

My beloved husband of 25 years died seven years ago this morning. I was up most of last night crying. This year has been much harder than the last few death anniversaries. I had never dated since his death until the last year or so. I dated two people casually, just for companionship. Then I met a very nice FTMan and was briefly engaged. For several months now I have been doing the long distance thing with a wonderful butch that is just such a big part of my heart.

I think the problem this year is that I AM dating. I feel like I am leaving my darling behind and it is tearing me up. I want to have a new love, I want to be happy again. But even after all these years I do not understand how the one I loved so much for so long is gone from my life. He was too young to die. He did not live to see our four childern grow up. And now we have a grand son that he will never see. He loved babies so much. We would immediately move toward any friend or family member in a room who had a baby and just be so fascinated and enthralled by it. Before you knew it he was walking around the room carrying the baby, chattering away to the baby and doing his best to make it laugh. Our grandson is missing alot not having him in his life.

The new love of my life is so wonderful. I called hym in the middle of the night and woke hym from a sound sleep (hy was actually even sick and had had a hard time going to sleep.) Hy woke right up and talked to me for hours until I felt better and thought I might be able to sleep. Hy called again this morning to make sure I was OK. Hy is so good about my life before we met. Hy wants to know all about my hubby and our life together. Hy is not jealous, but say hy loves hubby because he took such good care of me and made me happy.

I don't know what the future holds for us. We are both in our 60's and have homes of our own on opposite sides of the country. We are both willing to relocate, so that is a good thing. I want to be with hym. That is all I know so far. He makes me laugh and he has brought happiness back in to my life.

DomnNC says:
However that doesn't mean there isn't room for someone new and when it's right it will just happen, that's all there is to it. Whoever that person is will have to accept my wife as well because I refuse to act/live as if I never had a life or love before them, she was part of who made me who I am today.

I agree completely with this statement. There is much I love about my new love, but the fact that he is so wonderful about the first love of my heart has won him a permanent place in my heart, and hopefully a permanent place in my life as well.

Blessings to all of you who are moving through these holiday with the empty spaces in your lives. I wish you peace, and an eventual return to joy.

Smooches,
Keri

[Andrew, Jr.]

Hey Keri,

Yes, grief is very strange indeed. To me it is like waves of the ocean. Some are huge just crashing ashore, and then some are very small - so small that you can barely see them ripple. None the less, they are there.

After JoAnn died, my stepfather died from heart failure in May of that year. A year before, I buried my adopted mother (Altzheimer's Disease on New Year's Eve). It has been very hard because I was involved in each one's life and death. I had to help them die with grace, and inner peace. I hope and pray that I did give them that.

The one thing I did was go to Grief Share. It is a support group for people who are grieving. By far it was the very best thing I ever could have done for myself. I recommend it to anyone who is Christain because it is based on Christain beliefs & values. If someone is not Christain (ie: Pagan, Jewish, Hindhu, Islamic, and so on) where they can go or what support groups are open to them to help them heal.

Life is good. Just very hard & very unfair in my opinion. I will never understand how some people just have all the luck in the world, and every door is open to them. Others just struggle.

Peace to all,
Andrew

[CherylNYC]

Hey Keri,

Yes, grief is very strange indeed. To me it is like waves of the ocean. Some are huge just crashing ashore, and then some are very small - so small that you can barely see them ripple. None the less, they are there.

After JoAnn died, my stepfather died from heart failure in May of that year. A year before, I buried my adopted mother (Altzheimer's Disease on New Year's Eve). It has been very hard because I was involved in each one's life and death. I had to help them die with grace, and inner peace. I hope and pray that I did give them that.

The one thing I did was go to Grief Share. It is a support group for people who are grieving. By far it was the very best thing I ever could have done for myself. I recommend it to anyone who is Christain because it is based on Christain beliefs & values. If someone is not Christain (ie: Pagan, Jewish, Hindhu, Islamic, and so on) where they can go or what support groups are open to them to help them heal.

Life is good. Just very hard & very unfair in my opinion. I will never understand how some people just have all the luck in the world, and every door is open to them. Others just struggle.

Peace to all,
Andrew


You're right. Life is NOT fair. Did anyone ever promise that it would be? If I thought there was anything fair about this I would have lost my mind long, long ago. We either play the hand we're dealt or we cash out.

Andrew, your burden has been heavy, but you still sound strong to me. Like you, I've been struggling with consecutive losses. One thing I never let myself do is notice that others seem to struggle less with a far lighter load. I can't/don't/won't compare myself and my life to theirs. I'm only concerned with managing my own.

Like Andrew I found a bereavement support group that was a tremendous help for me. We have wonderful resources for the GLBTQ community here in NYC and I joined a gay bereavement support group through the Center. I hope that anyone who needs one can find a similar group in their community.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Cheryl,

Your post was wonderful. It makes perfect sense. I just struggle with the loss of those relationships I had. Let me give you an example of what I mean. Nothing was better than going to an Eagles Football game with my stepfather, drinking a beer, and talking about the cheerleaders. He called me HIS child, more importantly I felt like I belonged. I wasn't a misfit or wacko because of my tics, inability to read/comprehend something in front of me, or having that paniced feeling of being in a crowd. I had someone who understood, and was there to help me when I got that way. Nobody was there belittling me, laughing, pointing fingers, and so on. I was taken out of the situation. He paid for a club box so it would be easier for me to go with him. For years, we were there at every Eagles game. I treasure those memories, and the fact that he had the money to pay for that. It was a blessing.

I think grief is different for those of us who are handicapped. Everyone grieves their own way. But for those who are handicapped, it is much more intense. What is in our mind, and what we are able to verbalize is so hard to do. I know that is how it is for me.

Again, thank you for your post. (f)

[Mr. Moon]

Hey everyone. I like reading all the posts and finding things in each of them that strike a chord with me, something I can think about, something that helps me feel I'm not losing it or something (even if I know I'm not). LOL

I am still breathing. I have to say that I don't find many things "fun" at the moment. I wonder if I'll ever be happy again. Or maybe it's just "when" will I feel happiness again. I realize I'll feel better at some point.

So I've decided to get a grip and clean this house up, and get out of it more. That's hard because my dog is getting old and I work all day. I don't want her later years to be spent missing me. So I'm going to do what I can.

I'm just glad the "Holidays" are pretty much over. I went through the motions and walked through them. On the other side it's just mundane and difficult.

But I will wake tomorrow and put forth more effort to have my surroundings help me mood. That's my first step....

Love to all,
-Moon

[Andrew, Jr.]

I hope everyone here is doing well. My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

[MsTinkerbelly]

Hey everyone. I like reading all the posts and finding things in each of them that strike a chord with me, something I can think about, something that helps me feel I'm not losing it or something (even if I know I'm not). LOL

I am still breathing. I have to say that I don't find many things "fun" at the moment. I wonder if I'll ever be happy again. Or maybe it's just "when" will I feel happiness again. I realize I'll feel better at some point.

So I've decided to get a grip and clean this house up, and get out of it more. That's hard because my dog is getting old and I work all day. I don't want her later years to be spent missing me. So I'm going to do what I can.

I'm just glad the "Holidays" are pretty much over. I went through the motions and walked through them. On the other side it's just mundane and difficult.

But I will wake tomorrow and put forth more effort to have my surroundings help me mood. That's my first step....

Love to all,
-Moon

I bolded and highlighted just a snipet because it made me stop and think for a moment....I still have those huge crashing waves of grief that Andrew mentioned, but the MAJORITY of the time I am happy and moving on!

It sounds trite, and at the time you think "oh yeah, you don't understand MY grief", but when people say that time dulls the grief, they are so right.

Hang in there Mr. Moon, it really does get better. :bunchflowers:

[Mr. Moon]

Hey everyone.

Hope you all are feeling a bit better and muddling through.

So a friend of mine lost a close friend, one I knew also, and it reminded me of my first real loss, another friend of these two.. if you can follow that. Anyway, my first "loss" at 30 years old was a gay male friend of mine who was ..yes, like a brother to me. So now, that brought up all that and well...we all know where it went from there.

I cleaned out some picture drawers today and put them in storage bins.

I just feel oddly empty. Sad, drained. I found alot of cards, many from my brother. I miss him. I really do. I just wanted to say that.

Thanks for reading me....somehow knowing someone knows...helps.

-Moon

[Andrew, Jr.]

Moonster,

One never gets over death. The grief will stay with you for the remainder of your life. It changes, and it does get better.

I wish you tons and tons of love and peace.

[guihong]

Obviously, this is a much-read thread for me today.

Twenty years ago (!), I got pregnant for the first time. Even though it was far from an ideal situation, I was excited about becoming a mother. I read all the books, bought maternity clothes months ahead, etc.

At my 12 week ultrasound, I was watching the screen only to see no heartbeat. The baby was dead inside me. I had to be admitted for an operation. I just remember being on autopilot, completely stunned.

I remember going for a walk after I got home, some days later. It was November, and I prayed for my baby and that she (I'd felt strongly that it was a girl) would go to a good home, one better for her (I know that makes her sound like a pet). Seven months later, my best friend gave birth to a girl.

I always remember her on every anniversary, and cannot believe that if she'd lived, I'd have a daughter in college right now.

My mother passed on April 28, 1996-her 78th birthday. She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer six weeks earlier. Of course, it was close to Mother's Day. I still can't go into stores around that time.

I remember my mother going in and out of alertness, calling to her long-dead parents as if they were right there. It was that experience that convinced me that our loved ones "come back" for us when it's our time.

My oldest brother died suddenly of a heart attack in Sept. 2006. Then my former sister-in-law in Sept. 2007. Finally, my father in Sept. 2008. I began to hate the High Holidays and Yom Kippur. With my father, he was diagnosed with throat cancer two weeks before he passed. He was 92, so I think he was just ready to go.

And now my next-oldest brother, who was sick for a few years but it sounds like he passed easily. It wasn't even unexpected.

And I feel so damn guilty because I don't want to go to his service. He was a mean thing when he'd been drinking. Part of me just doesn't want to bother, but I would probably regret it. I don't know. I feel this bubbling anger, and I have no one who would understand. My family would be shocked if I said "I'm not going".

I'm probably not thinking clearly. I hope all of you who have had loss are at peace today.

[MsTinkerbelly]

And I feel so damn guilty because I don't want to go to his service. He was a mean thing when he'd been drinking. Part of me just doesn't want to bother, but I would probably regret it. I don't know. I feel this bubbling anger, and I have no one who would understand. My family would be shocked if I said "I'm not going".

I'm probably not thinking clearly. I hope all of you who have had loss are at peace today.

I snipped a bit of your post because I wanted to chime in with my 2 cents. I mean well, so please forgive me if I am over-stepping.

When my mean, rotten, nasty step-father passed away, my Mother did not have a service for him. She just cremated him, and left him in the box until my Uncle took the box one day and released his ashes at sea. None of us were there....

You know, when I look back he wasn't always mean/rotten/nasty...we had some wonderful times with him when we were younger...and I feel cheated that I didn't get to say goodbye to the person he once was, instead of who he became.

Blessings to you during this diffacult time.:rrose:

[iamkeri1]

Guihong,
We have all kinds of feelings about our families while we are alive, and we have all the same feelings about them after they die, only then we feel guilty about some of them. Deciding whether or not to go to the funeral will be hard. I hope you can fend a solution you are comfortable with. Maybe you could think of it the way Tinkerbelly mentioned and choose to go and mourn for the loss of the person you knew and loved from an earlier time in your lives. I send you light and strength.
Smooches,
Keri

[MsTinkerbelly]

Monday the 21st will be the 11th Anniversary of the day my Dad dropped dead from a heart attack. He had gone gambling; because like this coming Monday, THAT Monday was a holiday from his work. He was playing the slots and had a massive coronary...they say he was dead before he hit the floor. He was 59 years old......

As a favor to me, reach out this Monday (heck every day) and hug someone...tell them you care. :candle:

[Sparkle]

My father is dead.
And I feel nothing, or maybe I feel a whole lot of empty. I'm not sure.

He was a truly terrible father; he did some unconscionable things.
He wasn't a good person, either.
He was a stunted broken child in an over grown body.

And he died alone.

This kind of grief - is strange.
I've lost too many people whom I love greatly, who filled my life with love and happiness. He wasn't one of them.
This is different. weird. oppressive in its emptiness.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Dear Sparkle, :bunchflowers:

I am lifting you and your family up in prayer. I can understand how you feel. If you ever want to post more about your Dad, please feel free too.

You have my deepest sympathies,
Andrew

[DamselFly]

may all experiencing the death of a family member, esp. that of an parent, be comforted! the conflicting emotions, be they grief, anger, emptiness, whatever, can be overwhelming and confusing! esp. if that parent was abusive or impaired in some other manner, find a safe person with whom you can talk, vent, voice whatever you are feeling-whenever you feel up to doing so! when my father died, the reaction of my family was to throw ME away...literally! i was not told when he died, where he died, where he was buried. i was not invited to the funeral, nor given anything from his estate. all i had wanted was his beloved guitar. in addition to grieving the loss of a father, i was faced with the loss of my entire family. that was over 15 years ago. to this day, no-one has responded to any phone calls, email, snailmail, any attempts by me to do whatever I could to heal this breach. no-one even let me know WHY this happened. my brother has a family of his now who do not even know i exist. i have a niece and others who have lost, through no doing of their own, a person who would have been a wonderful aunt! i have been lucky enough to have found wise and compassionate people (therapists and friends) to help me sort and handle my feelings over this then and whenever they arise again unexpectedly to knock me off my emotional balance. use whatever means will give you comfort and health. be compassionate towards both those who hurt you AND, most importantly, towards yourself!
namaste, my friends,
DamselFly :praying:

[DamselFly]

i don't know if this is the thread where i should post this but could find no-other. i have received more devastating news regarding my sight, or lack thereof. when i went to see the glaucoma specialist Wed (at the best eye clinic in the state, part of the OU medical complex in OKC), he told me that since i was seen a month ago, i have lost another 5% of my optic nerve in my right eye. my vision is now severely restricted in both eyes-i have 10% of my optic nerve in my L eye and 5% in my R eye. he said at this point, surgery is not an option, all i can do is to retain what little vision i have left for as long as possible. blindness is inevitable. i am learning braille and attempting to decide where the best place would be for me to live as a vision-impaired person. i am also consulting w/ my dr about the advisabilty of getting a service dog now. anyone out there have similar vision problems? if so, please get in contact w/me!
namaste and gassho,
DamselFly:praying:

[MsTinkerbelly]

My father is dead.
And I feel nothing, or maybe I feel a whole lot of empty. I'm not sure.

He was a truly terrible father; he did some unconscionable things.
He wasn't a good person, either.
He was a stunted broken child in an over grown body.

And he died alone.

This kind of grief - is strange.
I've lost too many people whom I love greatly, who filled my life with love and happiness. He wasn't one of them.
This is different. weird. oppressive in its emptiness.

I loved my father so much, yet when he died I felt nothing....empty. It took a year almost and a stupid song on the radio triggered my grief.

Be good to yourself, and feel what you feel....none of it is wrong (f)

[LeftWriteFemme]

I don't have a lot to say other than, it's been a week and I'm still here and today that has to be enough.

[Andrew, Jr.]

It has been 31 years since my younger brother died by suicide. I have mixed emotions. Some years this date just flies by, and other years I have to take a step back and think on it.

I wish all who are here much peace and love.

Andrew

[MsTinkerbelly]

I don't have a lot to say other than, it's been a week and I'm still here and today that has to be enough.

Yes, sometimes just breathing is the very best any of us can do.

I am so very sorry for your loss (f)

[MsTinkerbelly]

I am having a really tough time today with my Mom's loss....She and my Dad promised Amy that they would be there to see her graduate, come to find out she is grieving so badly she doesn't care whether she graduates or not!

How could I be so blind to her suffering?

[CherylNYC]

I am having a really tough time today with my Mom's loss....She and my Dad promised Amy that they would be there to see her graduate, come to find out she is grieving so badly she doesn't care whether she graduates or not!

How could I be so blind to her suffering?

The following is a hard thing for a grown adult to access, and even harder for a young person:

Sometimes things happen that are utterly out of our control. We can make promises that we're prevented from keeping, and it's not anyone's fault.

Fairness has absolutely nothing to do with it. If life was fair there are all sorts of politicians who would be dead, and our loved ones would still be here with us. Those who seek fairness in mortality will never find it, nor will they find peace.


I hope you and your daughter find solace. Please don't blame yourself for your daughter's suffering. It's natural to want to shield her, but she has her own journey. We each have to grieve in our own way, and it can be consuming.

[choochoo-enginerd]

With gratitude I find a thread exists about such heartfelt and pervasive issues. As I scroll through the posts, inevitably I recognize a commmon thread. Whether 2 months, five years or more, those of us who have lost someone with whom we were deeply connected continue to grieve however vocal or silent. I have asked myself on some days if the open hearted grief would dissipate, and over time the frequency of overwelming sadness lessened, a couple years following. Thank you to those who have shared their feelings and stories, and some day soon I shall unfold mine. Appreciating the present and gifts life's path provides upon occasion is the heightened realization at which I have arrived.

[iamkeri1]

Today is my hubby's birthday. He would be 60 today if he was still alive. He died almost eight years ago. This year I am missing him very much. Like Andrew said (implied) some years are easier than others.
Keri

[Mr. Moon]

Keri I'm so sorry you're feeling the loss today.
But I know we feel it everyday, don't we?
And yes, some times are better than others...

My loss amazes me in how my "humaness" reacts....
if that makes any sense.

I just don't feel like myself anymore.

-Mr. Moon

[Dean Thoreau]

Andrew and Iamkerri, I so agree some years are just horrible.....and you feel the loss so much more.
In my case, today I could barely work....the "anniversary" of my daughter Lora's death is not until December 1st but I am already slipping....
walked around sniffling at work all day...maybe its the fact that its the 10 year mark i dont know....maybe its the fact that one of my grandkids..says words a lot like she use to BOP for stop.....lellow for yellow....
I just know that Lora should be turning 23 on Dec 24 and should be a nurse and driving a jeep liberty and meeting a lawyer (she had these plans) and getting married and adopting two children (she knew she could not give birth since she had AIDS, and did not want to give it to them)....and still 20 years since my son john died, 10 years since my daughter died and still no friggin cure for a disease that is killing adults and children..then i sink further think of son jack who was walking down a street....and in 2005 is killed.....
.so I cry, and cry some more
.....and miss her and my sons john & jackie and sink into a depression...
and some asshole says to me" ahh but they are in a better place, they are with the Lord....."
And I say..............
I guess i better stop before I offend someone...or something
Its hell outliving your children.....and people u love....

[iamkeri1]

Dean
When hubby died, I joined widownet.org, an online grieving group that helped me so much. One thing "older" member recommended was to "tell your story." For me it was like ripping my guts out, and I did it only once. But for many it gave comfort. If you would find it comforting to talk about it, please tell us the story of the loss of your children... or just tell us about your children. They sound wonderful. I for one would be honored to hear about them.
Smooches,
Keri

[MsTinkerbelly]

I came in here today because the grief is welling up again and I find it nearly impossible to contain...yet reading some of the other posts, I am reminded how very lucky I was to have had my loved ones as long as I did.

Dean, I am firm in my belief of God....but the first person who said my loved ones were better off with the Lord got a pretty good tongue lashing from me regarding insensitive comments. I realize they just don't know what to say and the first stupid thing pops out, but seriously, they are better off dead and with the Lord????

I am so very sorry for the loss of your children.:rrose:

[cody]

today is the 8th anniversary of my mom passing.. im missing her so much this year... love you mom

[iamkeri1]

I came in here today because the grief is welling up again and I find it nearly impossible to contain...yet reading some of the other posts, I am reminded how very lucky I was to have had my loved ones as long as I did.

Dean, I am firm in my belief of God....but the first person who said my loved ones were better off with the Lord got a pretty good tongue lashing from me regarding insensitive comments. I realize they just don't know what to say and the first stupid thing pops out, but seriously, they are better off dead and with the Lord????

I am so very sorry for the loss of your children.:rrose:
Miss T,
When my Mom died many years ago, the priest who gave her last rights said. "Your mother was a good woman. Her time in Purgatory should be short." I wanted to choke him, I wanted to slap him (really hard!) Somehow I managed to remain silent. I knew he was not educable on this subject, and I had more important things to do. But to this day his words ring in my ears. People do say stupid things.

I am sorry you had to hear these stupid comments, which I am sure were repeated to you more than once. Sending you (((hugs.)))
Smooches,
Keri

[iamkeri1]

today is the 8th anniversary of my mom passing.. im missing her so much this year... love you mom

Cody,
I am sorry I missed your post a few days ago. I hope the wave of sadness has receded a little. It is so hard to lose your Mom.
Sending you light and strength,
Keri

[MsTinkerbelly]

"One Sweet Day"


Sorry I never told you
All I wanted to say
And now it's too late to hold you
'Cause you've flown away
So far away

Never had I imagined
Living without your smile
Feeling and knowing you hear me
It keeps me alive
Alive

[Chorus:]
And I know you're shining down on me from heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day

Momma I never showed you
Assumed you'd always be there
I took your presence for granted
But I always cared
And I miss the love we shared

[Chorus]

Although the sun will never shine the same again
I'll always look to a brighter day
Lord I know when I lay me down to sleep
You will always listen as I pray

[Chorus]

Sorry I never told you
All I wanted to say

[IslandScout]

Andrew, I'm so sorry for your loss of your sister. I wish I could say it gets better with time but I don't think it does; I think we just learn to integrate the loss into our sense of self, and it becomes part of us, in way that expands who we are. Which in the end is a good thing. Take care of yourself. IslandScout