Setting the bar high?

[Kätzchen]

I wonder if people in the community would be interested in sharing views on whether Setting the Bar High is the proverbial magic bullet that serves to help you find an healthy romantic relationship.... especially one that endures over time.

I've always thought that standards I've set for myself would help govern the odds of finding the sweetest, kindest, most supportive love interest, which over time would lead to commitment and an healthy long term relationship.

But I'm torn about the idea of "setting the bar high."

In my mind, just because we seek to set the groundwork, in personal ways, to make sure we don't accept less than we deserve or end up in serial dating relationships, trying to find Ms Right or the best fit romantically, I'm interested in hearing from members in the community about whether 'setting the bar high' worked in your favor and worked toward the best interest of the other person you have been romantically involved with.

My personal thoughts about "setting the bar high" revolve around the fact that just because we do that, it doesn't always guarantee that you'll end up with the right person.

I'd like to think that looking out for ourselves and hoping to end up with the best possible romantic partner is a good thing to do, but I've only had one dating relationship in my life that seemed like it fit the "keep the bar high" type of personal standard....yet over time, we both chose to end our relationship based on circumstances out of our own control. It was a wonderful relationship, but it didn't last.

Anyway, I hope people might be interested in talking about this type of thing. Some things I often ask myself, concerning setting the bar high is....

1) What purpose is served?

And...

2) Does it guarantee a better chance of an lasting relationship?

I would like to see this subject explored in reasonable ways.
If you've been wondering too, I'm interested in hearing your take on whether "setting the bar high" proved of any usefulness to you, at all.

:rrose: :rrose: :rrose:

[Gráinne]

I think the first criteria in a prospective partner has to be character, empathy, and integrity. It's impossible to set the bar too high with regards to those things. Same with values-you have to have enough to pull in the same direction, although it's possible to "create" commonality if you have a strong foundation. A lack in any one of those, and the relationship is doomed, no matter how much you have in common.

That gets into the issue of compatibility-do you have enough common interests and outlook to get along? I dobelieve absolutely that you can raise the bar too high in that area-"I'll only date someone if they like blues/jazz/Brubeck/rom-coms, etc. "I'll only date someone who is athletic", "They must play guitar"-you get the idea. The more areas of compatibility you have, obviously the more you'll have to talk about and do together. But it all goes to nothing if your bars are too low in values, ethics and integrity.

Of course, nothing guarantees that you'll meet someone, or that other circumstances won't ruin the chance for a good relationship. But it is a guarantee that if your bar is too low that anyone can meet it, you are setting yourself up for frustrating and unsatisfying relationships.

[Gemme]

Anyway, I hope people might be interested in talking about this type of thing. Some things I often ask myself, concerning setting the bar high is....

1) What purpose is served?

And...

2) Does it guarantee a better chance of an lasting relationship?

I would like to see this subject explored in reasonable ways.
If you've been wondering too, I'm interested in hearing your take on whether "setting the bar high" proved of any usefulness to you, at all.

:rrose: :rrose: :rrose:

Here's the problem with 'setting the bar high'....it can be used as a defense mechanism and an excuse. If someone is honest with their self, it's not problematic. There's absolutely nothing wrong with requiring a partner to treat you well and to behave in an adult fashion. People will treat you how you allow or require them to. However, I've seen a lot of people use the process less as a tool and more as a reason to not give someone a chance. For example: I don't want anyone that's shorter than 5'10" and they must have blue eyes and work in finance. That's unreasonable, because the person that might treat me best could be 5'4" with brown eyes. People use the theory for less than a behavioral model and more like a physical standards test from grade school.

I agree with Grainne. Some standards are great but don't get carried away and ridiculous with it.

To answer your questions directly, it serves a purpose of weeding out people that won't make you happy and satisfied. Does it guarantee a better chance of a lasting relationship? No. Nothing and no one can guarantee a 'lasting relationship' but it will go far in helping you find someone that will make the time you have with them joyful.

[~ocean]

Setting the "Bar" high apply's to all aspects of life. Friends, business assoc. etc...... BUT in my own PERSONAL opinion it's the bar you set on and for yourself..Other's are who they are ,and what we want is our perogative :seems I will always ( dance to that word ) lol I tend to set my bar too high , it is just who I am , I will lose interest if I didn't . I could never just settle.

[kittygrrl]

I don't think we set out setting the bar high..but when life and love throw us a few curve balls in relationships..we eventually start making the list of what we do not want..and sometimes the list gets very very long :) I think you need decide on the bare basics according to you and you should limit it to ten things or less..preferably five! Keep it simple :hangloose:

[Tuff Stuff]

I always thought that if you are going to be honest with anyone,be honest with yourself first.Nothing wrong with setting the bar high if you think you're worth it.. and you all are.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I wonder if people in the community would be interested in sharing views on whether Setting the Bar High is the proverbial magic bullet that serves to help you find an healthy romantic relationship.... especially one that endures over time.

But I'm torn about the idea of "setting the bar high."



1) What purpose is served?

And...

2) Does it guarantee a better chance of an lasting relationship?

I would like to see this subject explored in reasonable ways.
If you've been wondering too, I'm interested in hearing your take on whether "setting the bar high" proved of any usefulness to you, at all.

:rrose: :rrose: :rrose:

Well, I think things get confused with the term "bar" -
I have some cast iron boundaries from have many relationships with folks - because I used to be a very open and experimental sort of gal. I went with "chemistry" and really that was pretty much the only thing that mattered in terms of dating (to me dating is not serious, it means getting to know people, no promises, no obligations - then after a period of time you can make decisions later).

So my boundaries come from experience in getting to know myself in relationships, being married (and divorced), and spending a good solid 3 years on my own with no dating, no sex to get to know just me (something I had never done, since the age of 14, the longest I went without sex was one year and that didn't mean I didn't date).


My boundaries that I know will work best for me, that will make me the very happiest, give me independence and companionship unfortunately set a descriptive "high bar." These are non negotiables for me to function as a mentally healthy person. Because these do not fall within "lesbian normative" (living together, quickstart romance, monogamy from the get go, couple of dogs together, share finances, etc) the "bar" is set very high indeed.

"the bar" = someone who has the same wants and desires and values around relationship companionship, who also wants someone somewhat kinky (I'm more *filthy* than far end BDSM), femme, and has a similar sense of humour, and politics that won't piss me the fuck off. I'm open t;o butch, androg with masc flavours, gender queer masc, femme daddy-esque types. So I'm not playing a strictly limited field.

Even though that sounds not very high, trust me, that's miles high. Too high for pretty much anyone I'm spoken to in the last 5 years, save one person.

So for me, if "the bar" it too high, and I suspect is it in queer/lesboland in the age range of 38-58, I'm Spinster and I don't mind at all. I'm happy and content on my own, it would be nice to have sex and companionship, but I'm not exactly suffering and I've had more peace in the last 3 years than I've ever had in a r'ship. So, lol... yeah, bar stays where it is.

[Katniss]

This is an interesting topic. As others have stated I don't believe in a long list of "secondary" qualities i.e. hair color, profession, wealth, lover of all things anime, etc. I am also attracted to both butch and femme women so there is that as well. Lists are funny things. I laugh because my BFF swore for *years* she would never date a woman with kids. She married her love two years ago and is a happy step-mom to three kids. I do believe in basic core qualities and for some time have kept a list of exactly what I was looking for and would accept in a relationship. Consequently I didn't date for close to four years. I had no problem with this as my life was still full and happy. I did make sure during that time that I set the bar high for myself as well. Fair is fair after all. Last week I came across the below article and although it was written with friendship in mind it can apply equally well to a romantic partner. It accurately sums up how I feel today about any relationship/friendship I engage in over time.

*********************************

The quality of friendship

“The rule of friendship,” the Buddha said, “means there should be mutual sympathy between them, each supplying what the other lacks and trying to benefit the other…” The words ring true. Friendship is not as much a matter of happenstance as we are inclined to think.

Perhaps one of life’s most precious lessons is that we must learn to choose our friends as well as to find them. The corollary of this insight, of course, is that we must learn not to allow ourselves simply to fall into alliances and acquaintances that come and go like starlight on the water, exciting for a while but easily forgotten. We must learn, in other words, not to make life a playground of faceless, nameless people—all of whom are useful for a while but who never really touch the soul or stretch the mind or prod the conscience.

On the contrary, the realization that friendship is one of the great spiritual resources of the human existence drives us beyond the superficial to the meaningful. It leads us to create relationships that count for something, rather than to simply wander from one casual social affair to another.

It may, in fact, be the friends we make who most accurately measure the depth of our own souls. For that we are each responsible.

To grow, then, requires that we provide for ourselves the kinds of relationships that demand more of us than continual immersion in the mundane. It requires us to surround ourselves with people who speak to the best part of us from the best part of themselves. It means that we must actively seek out as friends those who have something worth saying. And then we must learn to listen well to them so that they can hone our own best intuitions, challenge our least profound assumptions, point out directions that take us to another level of thought and care and determination. At times when life is most unclear, most confusing, we need … this quality of friendship. But only an awareness of our own limitations can possibly prepare us for it.

by Sr.Joan Chittister OSB

[Kätzchen]

I just got back from a long morning concerning an evaluation for physical therapy, and I can't unwind enough to take a rest or nap this afternoon, but I want to pause and reflect for several moments on comments posted by members of our community.

First, thank you for taking time to thoughtfully reply to the subject I feel that deserves attention. The subject of .... Setting The Bar High..

I really like what Grainne said in her post, that "the first criteria in an prospective partner has to.be character, empathy and integrity" (Gainne). I totally agree! Those characteristics are of primal importance to me, when it comes to 'setting the bar high'.

I appreciate Gemme's take too, because as Gemme points out, 'setting the bar high' can devolve into setting precedent for anyone to utilize x, y or z standards as a way to justify an personal desire which might not be all that reasonable. I really liked how you explained your viewpoint Gemme!

I absolutely LOVED your response Ocean because not only is it our perogative to exercise our choices but it is also an imperative to making choices that we know we can or cannot accept. That's been my experience now, for about the past few years. I'm always reviewing aspects about myself and making sure that I've set the bar high, not only for myself, but as it concerns romantic endeavors.

I really appreciate your response Imperfect_cupcake! I so hear you about taking time out for you, finding out your own specific needs, desires and wants. For several years, before I dipped my toes into the dating pool again, I too took considerable time exploring previous decisions I've made in other relationships, as well as just enjoying life on my own, without being involved with anyone else. I totally hear you when you say you've had more peace in the past three years, on your own, and that the proverbial 'bar ' will stay where it is. :)

A couple of other members posted too, but I don't know that the topic of honesty is part of the subject of "setting the bar high", but it COULD BE if one isn't being honest with themselves. I'm very honest with myself at all times.

To be sure the topic stays on topic, I'd like to remind people that when you post, please remember that the topic I offered for discussion is not necessarily about me. It's an subject of discussion about what "Setting the bar high" means to you, and if it worked in your favor or not.

One of the things I wonder about "setting the bar high" is unintended consequences. I think Gemme did a fine job illustrating this particular consequence, as well as Grainne.

Grainne, in particular. Toward the end of Grainne's post, she said that if the "bar is set too low, anyone can meet it."

Can I get an amen??? True story. If anyone can meet your expectations or standards in current life, does it mean you've met the right person? Alternatively, if the "bar is set high" does it mean the person you feel attraction for, is the right person?

Remember, please, this is an general topic of discussion that I feel deserves attention. Not because I do or do not have the proverbial bar set high or low, but in general.

I'm curious about the topic of Setting the bar high because life is not static. Life is full of ever changing dynamics... for example: health, short or long term illness, employment or sudden changes in employment, loss of employment after years on the job, sex --- ranging from low to high to non-existent need for sex, or other things can happen like natural disaster and dealing with the fallout, or any number of other things can happen....outside the context of setting the bar high. Which, in my mind, just because we've set the bar high in our lives, does it always mean that we'll act in our own best interest or will our own perception of standard we think is sufficient, will it still be sufficient in times of change?

Thanks to all who've taken the time to reflect on this topic.
I appreciate your response! :rrose:

And Katniss, thanks for your post too! Timely! :)

[Kätzchen]

This is an interesting topic. As others have stated I don't believe in a long list of "secondary" qualities i.e. hair color, profession, wealth, lover of all things anime, etc. I am also attracted to both butch and femme women so there is that as well. Lists are funny things. I laugh because my BFF swore for *years* she would never date a woman with kids. She married her love two years ago and is a happy step-mom to three kids. I do believe in basic core qualities and for some time have kept a list of exactly what I was looking for and would accept in a relationship. Consequently I didn't date for close to four years. I had no problem with this as my life was still full and happy. I did make sure during that time that I set the bar high for myself as well. Fair is fair after all. Last week I came across the below article and although it was written with friendship in mind it can apply equally well to a romantic partner. It accurately sums up how I feel today about any relationship/friendship I engage in over time.

*********************************

The quality of friendship

“The rule of friendship,” the Buddha said, “means there should be mutual sympathy between them, each supplying what the other lacks and trying to benefit the other…” The words ring true. Friendship is not as much a matter of happenstance as we are inclined to think.

Perhaps one of life’s most precious lessons is that we must learn to choose our friends as well as to find them. The corollary of this insight, of course, is that we must learn not to allow ourselves simply to fall into alliances and acquaintances that come and go like starlight on the water, exciting for a while but easily forgotten. We must learn, in other words, not to make life a playground of faceless, nameless people—all of whom are useful for a while but who never really touch the soul or stretch the mind or prod the conscience.

On the contrary, the realization that friendship is one of the great spiritual resources of the human existence drives us beyond the superficial to the meaningful. It leads us to create relationships that count for something, rather than to simply wander from one casual social affair to another.

It may, in fact, be the friends we make who most accurately measure the depth of our own souls. For that we are each responsible.

To grow, then, requires that we provide for ourselves the kinds of relationships that demand more of us than continual immersion in the mundane. It requires us to surround ourselves with people who speak to the best part of us from the best part of themselves. It means that we must actively seek out as friends those who have something worth saying. And then we must learn to listen well to them so that they can hone our own best intuitions, challenge our least profound assumptions, point out directions that take us to another level of thought and care and determination. At times when life is most unclear, most confusing, we need … this quality of friendship. But only an awareness of our own limitations can possibly prepare us for it.

by Sr.Joan Chittister OSB

I love this ,,,, thanks so much for your post!!

[BullDog]

For me it is a combination of knowing what those core things are that I need to have in common or to be compatible with in a partner, along with staying open to realizing that you can end up being pleasantly surprised by someone who has characteristics, interests, etc. that you never thought you would be compatible with or enjoy in a person.

As I have gotten older, some "practical" things have become more important to me than they used to. I need things to be fairly quiet and stable, and I'm not so ready to just leap up to move across the country on a big risk for love. It doesn't mean I won't do it, but I am more cautious than I used to be and more aware of my own limitations - like being hypersensitive to noise. I can't just live anywhere or with anyone. So I think my bar has been raised - more in what I can risk or do maybe than what I necessarily expect from someone else. I think this is still on topic.

I think knowing yourself and your own limitations and what you need is key to being able to have a healthy and lasting relationship, but certainly is no guarantee.

So I guess my short answer is I believe in having my core things but also to being open to being pleasantly surprised. My bar might not be the highest, but I think it is higher than it used to be.

[Kätzchen]

For me it is a combination of knowing what those core things are that I need to have in common or to be compatible with in a partner, along with staying open to realizing that you can end up being pleasantly surprised by someone who has characteristics, interests, etc. that you never thought you would be compatible with or enjoy in a person.

As I have gotten older, some "practical" things have become more important to me than they used to. I need things to be fairly quiet and stable, and I'm not so ready to just leap up to move across the country on a big risk for love. It doesn't mean I won't do it, but I am more cautious than I used to be and more aware of my own limitations - like being hypersensitive to noise. I can't just live anywhere or with anyone. So I think my bar has been raised - more in what I can risk or do maybe than what I necessarily expect from someone else. I think this is still on topic.

I think knowing yourself and your own limitations and what you need is key to being able to have a healthy and lasting relationship, but certainly is no guarantee.

So I guess my short answer is I believe in having my core things but also to being open to being pleasantly surprised. My bar might not be the highest, but I think it is higher than it used to be.

You've grown so much over the past decade (and a half), Bulldog. I surely appreciate your own self reflection in coming to understand yourself in terms of your own limitations as contrasted by what makes your life feel right for you.

thanks for your timely post! :rrose:

[*Anya*]

The past is never dead. It's not even past.”

― William Faulkner, Requiem for a Nun

I was not going to post in this thread as it is open to the public and I do have a tendency to be a little too open at times. It works for me in the listening to each other thread but perhaps not a public one.

I will say that I have no idea how to set the bar high or, even, how to set it too low.

The premise of the thread is "...does setting the bar high help one to have a healthy, lasting, romantic relationship" (if I read it correctly).

I have not ever had one, so how could I know?

I think that my picker is broken and, in spite of long-term therapy and a great deal of insight gained: I still do not pick someone that is good for me.

Next month it will be a year that I gathered my courage to walk out of an emotionally abusive relationship that was one month shy of 4 years. I still have tapes in my head of all of the things that she would tell me that she did not like about me or my person.

It had taken years to finally turn off the tapes from my parents but then I picked someone just as good at it as they were.

My 19 year relationship was not like that but it was negative in a different way.

No need to rehash that.

I used to blame both of my exes after the relationships were over for a multitudes of issues that caused us to fail as couples; but I don't do that anymore.

I picked them. My deficits drew me to them. That is not their fault. They were who and what they are.

What is my bar? I have no idea. I truly fear that I would not know or be attracted to a healthy relationship if I fell over it.

Here I go being brutally honest again.

[Kätzchen]

The past is never dead. It's not even past.”

― William Faulkner, Requiem for a Nun

I was not going to post in this thread as it is open to the public and I do have a tendency to be a little too open at times. It works for me in the listening to each other thread but perhaps not a public one.

I will say that I have no idea how to set the bar high or, even, how to set it too low.

The premise of the thread is "...does setting the bar high help one to have a healthy, lasting, romantic relationship" (if I read it correctly).

I have not ever had one, so how could I know?

I think that my picker is broken and, in spite of long-term therapy and a great deal of insight gained: I still do not pick someone that is good for me.

Next month it will be a year that I gathered my courage to walk out of an emotionally abusive relationship that was one month shy of 4 years. I still have tapes in my head of all of the things that she would tell me that she did not like about me or my person.

It had taken years to finally turn off the tapes from my parents but then I picked someone just as good at it as they were.

My 19 year relationship was not like that but it was negative in a different way.

No need to rehash that.

I used to blame both of my exes after the relationships were over for a multitudes of issues that caused us to fail as couples; but I don't do that anymore.

I picked them. My deficits drew me to them. That is not their fault. They were who and what they are.

What is my bar? I have no idea. I truly fear that I would not know or be attracted to a healthy relationship if I fell over it.

Here I go being brutally honest again.

Anya??? Your response is nearly mine, word for word.

And I am terribly honest with myself at all times, sometimes it's brutal. But in our own moment of clarity, especially so when we speak from our own experience, I think it's important to realize that in our own way, we're beautiful. You're an amazing friend and I value your presence in our community and the friendship we share.

I think you're a marvelous person, just the way you are....
thanks for sharing, Anya!!! :bouquet:

-- K--

[Femmewench]

To be sure the topic stays on topic, I'd like to remind people that when you post, please remember that the topic I offered for discussion is not necessarily about me. It's an subject of discussion about what "Setting the bar high" means to you, and if it worked in your favor or not.

One of the things I wonder about "setting the bar high" is unintended consequences. I think Gemme did a fine job illustrating this particular consequence, as well as Grainne.

I hadn't thought about this in years, probably more than a decade. I had a list of qualities I was looking for in a future partner that I created 16 or more years ago. Fourteen years ago I met someone who checked almost all of those boxes. Earlier this year, we divorced at my request.

I believe you meet people for a reason, season or lifetime. I though she was for a lifetime. I scared her to death talking about "when we grow old together" after only knowing her a couple of weeks. The knowledge that we would grow old together made it easier to sign the consent form for putting her on a ventilator and dialysis years later; I knew she wasn't going to die. (She wound up rallying and not requiring either.)

As it turned out, I met her and it was for a reason, not a lifetime. There was no foreseeing that when we met and I fell in love. Circumstances beyond her control radically changed her shortly into our relationship. At 14 years, she had healed enough for me to find myself again.

I don't know if I'll do another list. I know what I'm looking for. I also know that things can change in an instant.

[Apocalipstic]

I probably stated this when I said it would take some time to date again and that my recently deceased girlfriend set the bar high.

She died a month ago and I am brokenhearted.

For me, treating me with respect, supporting and encouraging me and always being on my side...set the bar high.

I do not apologize for feeling this way.

[Kätzchen]

I probably stated this when I said it would take some time to date again and that my recently deceased girlfriend set the bar high.

She died a month ago and I am brokenhearted.

For me, treating me with respect, supporting and encouraging me and always being on my side...set the bar high.

I do not apologize for feeling this way.

I'd say that those expectations and setting that type of standard is the bedrock of any loving relationship. If it's okay with you, my sister femme friend, I'll sit by you quietly and mourn with you, the loss of your beloved.
(((((( big big hug ))))))) :rrose: :rrose: :rrose:

[imperfect_cupcake]

The past is never dead. It's not even past.”

― William Faulkner, Requiem for a Nun

I was not going to post in this thread as it is open to the public and I do have a tendency to be a little too open at times. It works for me in the listening to each other thread but perhaps not a public one.

I will say that I have no idea how to set the bar high or, even, how to set it too low.

The premise of the thread is "...does setting the bar high help one to have a healthy, lasting, romantic relationship" (if I read it correctly).

I have not ever had one, so how could I know?

I think that my picker is broken and, in spite of long-term therapy and a great deal of insight gained: I still do not pick someone that is good for me.

Next month it will be a year that I gathered my courage to walk out of an emotionally abusive relationship that was one month shy of 4 years. I still have tapes in my head of all of the things that she would tell me that she did not like about me or my person.

It had taken years to finally turn off the tapes from my parents but then I picked someone just as good at it as they were.

My 19 year relationship was not like that but it was negative in a different way.

No need to rehash that.

I used to blame both of my exes after the relationships were over for a multitudes of issues that caused us to fail as couples; but I don't do that anymore.

I picked them. My deficits drew me to them. That is not their fault. They were who and what they are.

What is my bar? I have no idea. I truly fear that I would not know or be attracted to a healthy relationship if I fell over it.

Here I go being brutally honest again.

<3 I hear you. I was terrified my picker was busted. I did not trust my judgement at all after my last "it's complicated" r'ship ran off with a friendly acquaintance and married them. My exwife had a drink issue and run off with someone else. The long term before her was a serious pot addict. The long term before her had a gambling problem and even though we had an open r'ship, she had two other *girlfriends* I wasn't aware of, not shags, the entire 2 years I was seeing her. I won't go back further than that, it gets embarrassing.

All of my dates subsequent to my last r'ship did not understand how much pressure I was under in a 3000 hour 2.5 year program (a bachelor's degree here is usually about 1500 hours over 4 years).

So school forced me to put dating on hold. I tried finding casual sex partners (not one night stands, but someone who wanted a 2 times a month shag) but that was *impossible* at my age in lesboland here. Maybe I could get one night stands if I was dishonest about it, but I'm not that person, and I'm not into one night stands, really. Casual sex, sure. One night stands, no.

So, no choice but to not pick anyone at all. And spend 3 years just on school, building a practice, career, and finding secure housing. Getting a cat. re-settling back into vancouver after 11 years abroad. Three years went by *very* fast. Thought a LOT about my picker.

My picker was based on chemistry. Love, chemistry, and hard work solves all.

No, it doesn't.

And that I thought good things made up for bad things. Well they have this red flag/shitty habit, but they do this nice thing so they cancel each other out.

No, it doesn't.

I think that's where "the bar" comes in (aka in my case, I call the bar a mixture of boundaries and basic understanding of necessities I personally need in companionship).

I had to find this book... I think it was about "establishing trust" after being betrayed in relationships. And it talked about lists. making lists. it was brilliant. It helped me make all these lists. And those lists were the start of me being able to make boundaries instead of trusting my picker, which is most definitely broken. I have *amazing* chemistry with really inappropriate people that I have smeary dysfunctional relationships with. Like off the charts chemistry. Pretty sure that's because of my own history.

So, no, can't trust my picker either. So I have to make boundaries and have a basic understanding of what I need for myself independently for my own mental health, so I know I can keep that in having a relationship. And that means having someone respect my independence and my self knowledge from the get go. And I found it so difficult to be accepted, that it basically cut out all the people who would be insecure, impatient, and controlling right away.

no need for a picker lol.

But I'm still out of the dating pool till this post grad stuff is over with in Feb. Even then, I highly doubt there's anyone who'll date me. Not because I'm shit lol I'm ok, I'm not bad. I just don't want a "normal" relationship.

Be where you are. I think not trusting your picker is perfectly valid.

[MsTinkerbelly]

In my 20's the bar was set...well fuck the bar, if you breathed you got a date.

No job?
No car?
No future plans?

Come to me baby!

I had a lot of relationships where I was taken advantage of for money, cars, a place to stay...well I let them, so were they really bad?

So, I decided that I had a minimum of who I would date:

Real job
Car or got around without my help
Money to treat me out every so often
Future goals (real attainable goals)
Someone who could communicate their problems
Someone who fought "clean"
Someone who wanted to work at having it all, and they wanted it with me.

When I say someone who fights "clean", I mean no name calling, no bringing up old garbage, and absolutely no physical violence of any form.

I got married at 30 to a wonderful man who had every one of those qualities, but I "came out" and there you go. Not once in the 16 years we have been divorced did he say anything negative to me, or to my child about me.

My Kasey meets all of those criteria, and more.

The only time I broke those rules was someone I met on another site ( person not on this site) who had no car, had no job, basically had no home, and wanted to move in with me and my child. I dated for a bit, but quickly gave them the boot.

Sorry if this is a bit disjointed, pain meds make me loopy.

[Medusa]

God, I have so much to say about this but I don't even know where to start.

I'll apologize in advance because this will probably be a jumbled mess and I'm also trying to be careful and respectful of my own history.

So, setting the bar high.
I used to believe when I was much younger that setting the bar high meant you demanded a certain level of respect and that it would look the same in every relationship. I guess it IS true for me on some level because I do want the basic respect of treating me nicely, honesty, and hearing me out on my opinions if we disagree but fuck, that comes in friendships too so it feels like a baseline for basic human interaction.

I'll say this, as I've gotten older and been through some shit I now think of "setting the bar high" as maintaining a set of boundaries that are just completely non-negotiable at this stage in my life.

Is it necessary to set the bar high i.e. maintain boundaries? HELL YES.
Otherwise, who am I at my core? A person who is just a fucking doormat who won't speak up when someone shits all over me? A person who just accepts whatever bad behavior that my love interest wants to throw my way? A person who feels responsible for allowing other people to work out their damage at my expense? Nope. Nuh uh. Not this girl.

I have learned better boundaries and what a higher bar looks like in every relationship I've been in and thankfully, nine times out of ten I've also learned how to ask for what I WANT versus knowing what I DON'T WANT.

Knowing what I don't want has gotten easier with time and relationships. I don't want to be partnered to a person who lives in constant negativity. I don't want to be with an addict. I don't want to be with someone who is mean-hearted or ignorant. I don't want to be with someone who is emotionally dishonest. Those were things that I didn't know were "Hell No's" for me when I was younger. My bar was set pretty low at "Do they like me?" and "Do I enjoy being around them?"...and that's all self-worth shit at play. Me thinking I didn't get to want better for myself.

But now at the age of 41, I'm all "this is what I want". I WANT a person with a wide-open heart even if it carries the scars of relationships past. I WANT a person who is committed to living a healthy, non-addicted lifestyle. I WANT a person who knows my value and who doesn't want to change me but who also will expect me to be my best. I WANT a person who will pull their weight. I WANT a person who is as horrified by abusive, manipulative behavior as I am. I WANT a person who not only understands my quirks but who embraces them (because I'm the girl wearing a unicorn horn or a tiara while I clean the house because it makes me feel more magical and makes for easier work!)
And I KNOW I deserve all of that because I am a hell of a catch, a hell of a good-ass woman, and a fine, healthy, sexy, smoldering Femme with a brain you could die in and a mouth you could bathe in. (this is me knowing my value, and it's not without a hard-fought battle)

And thankfully I've learned my lessons and done my work and have been rewarded with magical, healthy, abiding, substantial, sturdy, soul-shattering love.

So, is it worth it to make boundaries and set your bar high? HELL YES.

[girl_dee]

I
My personal thoughts about "setting the bar high" revolve around the fact that just because we do that, it doesn't always guarantee that you'll end up with the right person.



i agree with this. it does not guarantee a thing. i just know what i like and don't like in a person, there are no guarantees no matter how high you set the bar

[Kätzchen]

It's an early morning for me today, but once again I want to pause and reflect and express thanks to members who've dropped by to read other contributions by members in our community.

Thank you Medusa, girl_dee, Ms Tinkerbelly, and imperfect cupcake for your willingness to expand on and discuss what ...Setting the bar high means to each of you. :bunchflowers:

Here's why I think this topic of discussion and observation is important: Each one of us is at a different stage in our lives. Some of us are young, some if us are in our 30's and 40s, then there's those of us who are in our late 50s (me) and we've got people in our community with considerable life experience who are in the 60s or 70s..... I think it's critical for us to note that life is not static. Life's dynamics includes your physical age, your own experiences in life, and how the experiences shape our world views and inform us on our level or capacity to learn skills which help us to adapt readily, by either adopting an new way to exist in our daily lives or gives us skills to reject or accept any number of things, which shape our lives.

I want to remind readers again, to give this topic your careful attention. I thought to myself the other day, what can we as a community of participants do, to not only share about our own views, but give to ourselves and others around us, in positive productive ways? Which, it led me to think about members in our community who might just be having a moment of personal growth or maybe there's a member who just can't quite "connect the dots." I personally think that sharing our views in communal ways helps each of us to become more articulate in what we want for ourselves and others whom we interact with.

A place where we can learn and grow; by reading and observing how we each have grown by sharing our learning experiences. ...especially as it concerns the topic of Setting the bar high.

I look forward to member participation and reading each persons account on what you thing "setting the bar high" means to you and if doing so, has it improved your chances finding an lasting relationship or not.

I really appreciate girl_dee for posting this morning the number one idea I've had all along about setting the bar high and whether you found your self in a lasting relationship or not: I agree whole heartedly that just because you 'set the bar high' , it does not mean or guarantee you'll find your self in a lasting relationship.

I want to also say that I think Medusa's observation about an system of rewards is exceptional! I'd say that's worth looking at in this bigger scope of "setting the bar high"..... thanks for that gem, Medusa. Good thinking point, indeed. :)

[imperfect_cupcake]

If you mean "changing the bar" yeah, there are things I've changed in the last five years that I thought were really important and found out were actually just icing things.

1) Dress sense. I do find large urban metropolis metrosexual masculine (dandy wear) to be insanely hot. Just do. Sharp urban dress sense can turn my head on the street, it's pretty much one of the only things that can. I used to think that meant a partner needed at least a bit of that.
No, it doesn't, not at all.
As long as they have some fucking clue about how to iron shirt/jeans (even a high quality tshirt) and wearing good clothes (I mean, things that aren't worn out) and *clean,* and know not to wear a fucking baseball hat, hiking boots, or a polar fleece jacket on a date - then I'm good. Just show me you've taken 20 minutes to try? (environment appropriate of course). Because people showing up looking like they popped on something "this doesn't smell yet" isn't hot. My bar is still higher than that. Yes it's happened. A lot. Vancouver, innit.

2) They need to ID as a butch, and have been IDing for at least 5 years.
I remember why I made that rule, and I think at the time it was OK. I was dating purely from the dash site, and thus only from the US, and it was 1999-2003. I think I got very fed up with people discovering they were butches, that a femme desired them, then running off and shagging every femme that moved in their direction.

Being "My First Femme" was pissing me off at that point.

However, when I moved to the UK the whole ID thing isn't the same puddle as it is in the US. So, I had to change it and drop that bar again. Yes, I put my shingle out again as My First Femme, quite a bit, and yes, that did smart, but I started getting teased by friends that "well babs, everyone has a purpose in life... you sure are educating a lot of newbie butchies lolz" :s
I'd just joke back I took my Butch Conversion Kit with me wherever I went.
It doesn't bother much anymore. I don't really care if people shag other folks, I've never cared too much about that. It's the running off and having new primary relationships that has pissed me off.
But that bar has changed - I no longer care too much about other girlfriends anymore either. As long as I don't get Drama By Proxy (DO NOT pull me into any other relationship drama, I'm not interested, EVER, and it will end ours really *fast*). So I think I'm ok with being My First Femme, still. Hypothetically. I'm not out there presently.

So yeah, bars like that shift. Some are icing (like dress sense) and some are really important questions - Do I take up with newbs? What about open r'ships? What kind?

[Kätzchen]

If you mean "changing the bar" yeah, there are things I've changed in the last five years that I thought were really important and found out were actually just icing things.

1) Dress sense. I do find large urban metropolis metrosexual masculine (dandy wear) to be insanely hot. Just do. Sharp urban dress sense can turn my head on the street, it's pretty much one of the only things that can. I used to think that meant a partner needed at least a bit of that.
No, it doesn't, not at all.
As long as they have some fucking clue about how to iron shirt/jeans (even a high quality tshirt) and wearing good clothes (I mean, things that aren't worn out) and *clean,* and know not to wear a fucking baseball hat, hiking boots, or a polar fleece jacket on a date - then I'm good. Just show me you've taken 20 minutes to try? (environment appropriate of course). Because people showing up looking like they popped on something "this doesn't smell yet" isn't hot. My bar is still higher than that. Yes it's happened. A lot. Vancouver, innit.

2) They need to ID as a butch, and have been IDing for at least 5 years.
I remember why I made that rule, and I think at the time it was OK. I was dating purely from the dash site, and thus only from the US, and it was 1999-2003. I think I got very fed up with people discovering they were butches, that a femme desired them, then running off and shagging every femme that moved in their direction.

Being "My First Femme" was pissing me off at that point.

However, when I moved to the UK the whole ID thing isn't the same puddle as it is in the US. So, I had to change it and drop that bar again. Yes, I put my shingle out again as My First Femme, quite a bit, and yes, that did smart, but I started getting teased by friends that "well babs, everyone has a purpose in life... you sure are educating a lot of newbie butchies lolz" :s
I'd just joke back I took my Butch Conversion Kit with me wherever I went.
It doesn't bother much anymore. I don't really care if people shag other folks, I've never cared too much about that. It's the running off and having new primary relationships that has pissed me off.
But that bar has changed - I no longer care too much about other girlfriends anymore either. As long as I don't get Drama By Proxy (DO NOT pull me into any other relationship drama, I'm not interested, EVER, and it will end ours really *fast*). So I think I'm ok with being My First Femme, still. Hypothetically. I'm not out there presently.

So yeah, bars like that shift. Some are icing (like dress sense) and some are really important questions - Do I take up with newbs? What about open r'ships? What kind?

If that's been your experience in your romantic life, Cupcake, then I don't blame you one iota for removing yourself from the dating and/or relationship pool, because what you've described makes my head hurt!

I can't say that I hear you because your experience is nowhere close to any experiences I've had in life.

But I would like to say, consider this: IF we are given an syllabus of course expectations and standards for a college course, THEN it is plausible to believe that if you have to bring your A-game to the college course to pass the course, then that's what ya gotta do, right?

The example I just gave is the closest example I can think of that lands in the same ballpark as...Setting the bar high.

In other words, if we know we got to bring our A-game to pass the course, then bring it or stay home.

Those other things that play a role in having your A-game to be A-game proper?? You know, things you mentioned above, like knowing who you are (are you butch, femme, trans, bi, queen et al?), being self sufficient of your own accord, having your life in order, not thriving on drama or causing trauma? These things are important to the A-game scenario and contribute to "setting the bar high."

My questions (two of them) to consider were as follows: 1)What purpose does it serve (ie, setting the bar high) and, 2) Does setting the bar high guarantee you will have a better chance at finding a lasting relationship?

I'm no therapist and I certainly don't have any definitive answers, but I do wonder at times about this thing called "setting the bar high."

I sometimes wonder if that's what the majority of people in healthy functioning relationships, relationships which have not devolved into throat punching or divorce or other things that are commonly known as deal breakers, tell themselves when they're in a relationship that is working to the satisfaction of both people in the romantic relationship.

Out of all the few experiences I've had, only one of relationship felt really good to me...did I bring my A-game? Not concsiously, but I imagine I was at the top of my game. They liked me a lot, we got along great. We vacationed together and we're very close with each other romantically. But I never once thought of myself as "setting the bar high." See what I mean?

I don't have any expectations for how this subject of discussion will go or flow, but I do know that in order for some sense of order, I'd like for people who respond to think of the two questions I've proposed. Think only of those two things and what it means to you.

Take what you need as food for thought. If nothing works for you, then pass it along to anyone you know who might be wondering too.

Relationships are not uncomplicated. Relationships, romantic or platonic, are as unique as each individual. Romantic love can be a pain in the ass. Love can also be a blessing. And sometimes, love is not enough.

:bouquet:

Thanks for your post imperfect_cupcake, I think you asked some great questions and I appreciate your taking the time to share! :rrose:

[imperfect_cupcake]

yeah, I did respond to those questions but I think you just brought up a different and really good point - expectations and lasting relationships.

I think I have changed my "game" altogether. I am not presently in the game because I have other shit to finish with, not because I don't wanna have a toe in.

When I get finished with that stuff, yeah, I'll be open to accepting offers. But my expectations and my entire game has changed. I no longer expect an escalator relationship. That means, I no longer expect me and A will meet, talk, date, start seeing each other, fall in love, make a promise to each other, move in, raise a dog and go on vacations together.

Or hower people have gradual progressive expectations of intimate relationships. I sincerely don't expect mine will last my lifetime. I don't believe that is the statistical average. I think it's extremely rare. So, I don't think it's healthy for me to expect that. I think it sets me up to expect promises that can't be properly kept although sincerely made, and for others to fail on their delivery. It sets up a feeling of failure in my relationships. I think it's unfair and hurtful, those expectations, for me and the other person. So, that's not the game I play anymore, nor is it a bar I am trying to jump over.

That does not mean I don't expect someone's respect, care, loyalty, honesty, and to work at building trust, companionship, and true friendship. I totally expect that. But no, I don't expect the romance and sex to last my lifetime. If it does, that would be awesome.

That also means my A-game - as you put it - with myself has changed completely. What my *self* expectations are are quite different. because I do not expect someone to be there for the rest of my life.

That means I have to be there for me. And it makes accepting other people's ability to only stay three years, five years, or seven years, or nine years a lot easier. Because I have *my* housing sorted out, *my* career sorted, *my* RRSP plans, *my* insurance premiums being paid, *my* friends I love, *my* local community, *my* education plans. So whether someone loves me romantically or not, that is all still there. Nothing falls apart if we decide it's changing to a friendship, or they move to Denmark, or they decide they want to suddenly get monogamously married to my co-worker (seriously, at this point in my life, that wouldn't even surprise me).

So, I have changed my own bar for me. My expectations on what I do, for me.

My first and most important lasting relationship will always be with me. I have to start acting like that's true by taking care of *me* first, by making sure *my* needs are met before I even think of trying to enter into dating again. I don't want to be dating because I'm trying to find security, or affirmation, or stave off loneliness.

So I suppose that's setting my own bar, for me, quite high. and in doing that, I hope to keep certain expectations of certain things from others, low. I still expect honesty, care, companionship. I just don't expect a specific length of time... because how long is a piece of string?

I know that's also not a popular take. I know things that are ok with me are usually deal breakers with others - shag who you want, I don't expect forever, we won't be living together, and I sure as fuck ain't doing your laundry.

But if I like you, it will be utterly sincere, there won't be games, I'm blunt as hell so you'll never have to guess, I'm generous, I'll make you laugh, I'm loyal, and I'll never pressure you. Your decisions will always be yours. I will always respect your privacy. And if you need to talk to me, I will put the friendship between us first, before the romance, always. That's the kind of girl I know I am because those are things I don't have difficulty with and are core to my values.

So I guess, yes. getting to really, really know myself, on my own, has been sorely needed to understand what I need to do for me, so I can bring things that are important to me (deep friendship, independence, self-responsibility, loyalty), rather than what I think most of the population wants (monogamy, promises of long term, interdependence, romance, fidelity, linked security).

Thanks for helping me articulate that.

[imperfect_cupcake]

so to answer your second question 2)

No. but the quality of relationship I'm hoping will be much better.

[MsTinkerbelly]

Answer to question #1. If I start out with a high bar, users and most losers (in my opinion) are not even an issue.

#2. There are no guarantees in this life...but at least I have given myself a chance to find someone that has qualities similar to mine.

[Deborah*]

Yes, I believe in setting the bar high.

I'm consistently working on myself to make sure I achieve my dreams, and I know what's really important is if I want to have a partner, this person will need to be a good fit for me, meaning the same type life goals, lifestyle etc. as myself.

One of my mentors said the five people closest to me color (influence) me the most, and therefore be cautious with choosing friends. How much more so the importance of who I should want for a partner. I know what I'm looking for and I won't settle for less.

Deborah

[Amulette]

Setting the bar high:
To establish an expected, required, or desired standard of quality.

To me that sounds like knowing what I want in a relationship. I think that self exploration of what that "bar" is, is necessary, because I would need to know myself intimately to know what I want and need from others.

So setting the bar high would mean to me: being true to myself and the vision I hold for my life. True love would never take me away from that. It would nourish and embellish that, for both of us. On an intellectual even emotional level I say yes, that makes perfect sense.

If only love was that rational. Love is messy. A friend always said to me "we can't control who our hearts choose to love." I have found that to be true. No matter how much someone fits my intellectual vision, if my heart is not 100% in, it's not worth it. If there's not chemistry, it's not worth it. So for me it's the dance of the two. The older I get the more discerning I get. I know myself better.

There is one more thing that I see play out for all the people I know. Where our hearts are damaged we attract people who force us to find healing. It often happens through pain. We attract the same situations in different flavors over and over again. It's like the movie "Groundhog Day". So I have come to believe that the only way to find that juicy satisfying love is the heal my own heart. Do the work. Make your beautiful heart whole again, then see what love brings you. You can't intellectualize that change.

[Kätzchen]

Nearly two years ago, I penned the opening post concerning the social construction of what seems to be a generational type message, most all of us have heard at one time or another in life: The notion of "Setting the bar high." After re-reading posts from two years ago, it dawned on me that I never really answered the two questions I posed. Yet, I did interact conversationally with members who've posted in this thread.

So, once again, here are the two original questions I asked members to think about, concerning the subject of discussion:


1) What purpose is served?

And...

2) Does it guarantee a better chance of an lasting relationship?




First Question: I do not think 'setting the bar high' is something I consciously do when it comes to any sort of romantic endeavor. I mentioned in one prior post that when I dated someone I became close with as a friend, I never once gave this type of social constructed idea any place in my mind because I basically don't believe in 'setting the bar high'. I have always taken care to present myself as who I am and that is important to me because I live with myself every day and because I have a conscience, I try to live my life by sets of ideas that are basically core competencies I think are incredibly valuable -- to myself and to others in my life. Core competencies of being kind, thoughtful, respectful and observant and maintaining my own boundaries, even if I have to re-map boundaries to help me feel better or to prioritize for my own safety.

I actually think that the social notion shares ties with another social conception concerning hierarchal achievement we often see in the workplace or that is taught via religious notions, if that makes sense at all. For example, another member suggested that reward systems might be part of the idea of 'setting the bar high', but even if so, then doesn't that itself illustrate the idea that 'setting the bar high' is of hierarchal design?

I'm not fond of hierarchal systems because while organizing and prioritizing for better conditions or results (or what ever one might suggest) seems like a good thing to do, I often wonder if too much of any one thing might keep us from seeing how placing too much emphasis on 'setting the high bar' might keep us from noticing what we need to see and acknowledge, so we can be sure we are seeing ourselves and others in the least biased process possible (this is very important to me).

I say that because of experiences I have had over the years, when it comes to getting to know someone better. I said it before, right here in my own thread, that when I last dated someone very special, neither of us even thought about or even measured ourselves against the social construct of 'setting the bar high.' We weren't even friends, in the beginning. But we were a friend to each other, which led to us creating a lasting friendship, even when we both saw that neither of us could go on in what became a dating relationship, after spending about a year, getting to know each other. Ever once in a while, we see each other at a distance, socially, because we both have mutual friends between the two of us and so while we don't see each other romantically at all, we do value the deep friendship we have still today, even if it never worked out for us at all. He's a pretty cool guy and he thinks the world of me, but it just wasn't in the cards for us, back in that point of time, four or five years ago (2014-2015, gosh time flies).

Second Question: I don't think 'setting the bar high' has any inkling to do with a successful, fulfilling relationship. I really don't. The reason I feel this way, and think this way about it, is because I am responsible for my own life and my own happiness. I like to make responsible choices that will make my life better. And for the past few years, I've not wanted to date or even be in a romantic relationship. And I chalk that up to being mature, placing my own care of self first; and having just turned 60, I don't feel the need anymore to up-end my life with the ever changing dynamics of sharing ones life with another person. I'm quite happy on my own. And it had nothing at all to do with … 'setting the bar high.'


If you made it this far with reading my post, then thanks! I hope what I have shared from my own perspective might help others better understand who I am, as an active member of this online community, in some small way.

:bunchflowers:

[Amulette]

If you made it this far with reading my post, then thanks! I hope what I have shared from my own perspective might help others better understand who I am, as an active member of this online community, in some small way.

:bunchflowers:

Yes Kätzchen it was nice to hear your take on the subject, thanks. I would be interested in hearing how you define the the phrase "setting the bar high". You mentioned social and work structures. Are you talking about social status? Kind of like marrying up in status?

LOL I took the convo to be high expectations of how we expect to be treated and loved, that bar. :)

[Kätzchen]

It sounds like to me like you most likely haven't read the entire thread, from start to finish. I hope you will take the time to read the forum thread in its entirety. Most likely, you will find the answers you're looking for.

Good night and take good care,
--K.

[tantalizingfemme]

1)What purpose does it serve (ie, setting the bar high)

Thinking back over my different relationships, I thought I had set the bar high, but my idea of a high bar today is entirely different then what it was 30 years ago. I have grown, learned and evolved my own sense of self which has set my own personal bar higher and higher. Considering that my initial set bar was based on how I was brought up and the dynamics and beliefs I learned about myself from my family of origin, my bar was set really low. I only knew how to be treated from my family of origin (which I thought was normal) and because there was dysfunction and toxicity my high bar was set at "if you showed me any interest, that was good enough for me". Looking back through my relationships I now realize there was no bar set because I believed I didn't deserve that, that I should be happy anyone wanted to be in a relationship with me. Things are very different now. I now view setting the bar high as a way of honoring and respecting me and how I will and will not be treated (boundaries). Setting the bar high, for me, is a healthy way to ensure that I know what is and isn't important to me when it comes to being in a relationship, and not just knowing, but practicing it. Also, I see this as something that is ever evolving and changing, not stagnant. It is an integral practice that takes what we have experienced and removing what didn't work, and adding what was missing, over and over.

2) Does setting the bar high guarantee you will have a better chance at finding a lasting relationship?

I do think that setting a bar high guarantees bettering my chances at a lasting relationship. I know what I do and don't want and if I were to start dating again it will help me weed out those who do and do not fit the bill. I refuse to settle for anything less than what I want. Been there done that and I deserve what will make me happy. Now is my bar set in stone, nope. Are there some hard stops? Yes. But there are some things that float in the gray area. I have yet to figure out where the highest setting is (if there really is one) but the more experiences I have, the more I learn about me in a relationship, the more changes will be made and the more I will solidify some ideals already there. And with all of this, I expect whomever I may end up being in a relationship will have also set their bar high and I am a fit for them, and they are not just settling, just as I refuse to settle.

[kittygrrl]

1)What purpose does it serve (ie, setting the bar high)

Thinking back over my different relationships, I thought I had set the bar high, but my idea of a high bar today is entirely different then what it was 30 years ago. I have grown, learned and evolved my own sense of self which has set my own personal bar higher and higher. Considering that my initial set bar was based on how I was brought up and the dynamics and beliefs I learned about myself from my family of origin, my bar was set really low. I only knew how to be treated from my family of origin (which I thought was normal) and because there was dysfunction and toxicity my high bar was set at "if you showed me any interest, that was good enough for me". Looking back through my relationships I now realize there was no bar set because I believed I didn't deserve that, that I should be happy anyone wanted to be in a relationship with me. Things are very different now. I now view setting the bar high as a way of honoring and respecting me and how I will and will not be treated (boundaries). Setting the bar high, for me, is a healthy way to ensure that I know what is and isn't important to me when it comes to being in a relationship, and not just knowing, but practicing it. Also, I see this as something that is ever evolving and changing, not stagnant. It is an integral practice that takes what we have experienced and removing what didn't work, and adding what was missing, over and over.

2) Does setting the bar high guarantee you will have a better chance at finding a lasting relationship?

I do think that setting a bar high guarantees bettering my chances at a lasting relationship. I know what I do and don't want and if I were to start dating again it will help me weed out those who do and do not fit the bill. I refuse to settle for anything less than what I want. Been there done that and I deserve what will make me happy. Now is my bar set in stone, nope. Are there some hard stops? Yes. But there are some things that float in the gray area. I have yet to figure out where the highest setting is (if there really is one) but the more experiences I have, the more I learn about me in a relationship, the more changes will be made and the more I will solidify some ideals already there. And with all of this, I expect whomever I may end up being in a relationship will have also set their bar high and I am a fit for them, and they are not just settling, just as I refuse to settle.

Wise words tantalizing...