I had to post this conversation between my neighbor and I. It was a long time ago, but we still laugh about it today.

Neighbor: Lisa, you have to smell this new stuff I got.
Me: What is it?
Neighbor: Febreze.
Me: *takes bottle turns the knob, squeezes handle, turns knob, squeezes handle*. Ree, how do you get it to spray.
Neighbor: Turn the knob at the end.
Me: I did.
Neighbor: What does it say on the knob?
Me: It says "Off, No, Off, No"
Neighbor: Bust out laughing hysterically - Lisa, it "Off, ON, OFF, ON" not no.
Me: Busted out laughing from blonde moment. I was reading it upside down.

"That is the ugliest sneeze ever. The sound of it, the look of it, the repetitive nature of it. Every bit of it is ugly."

shit heard while driving.... :)
 

Teddy (to man in the middle of the street) are you gonna cross or what?!?
HORN BEEPS....waving of hand out the window.....swearing ensues
Me: Honey, that's a cop directing traffic.
Teddy: no its not....oh yes it is.....

:fastdraq:

ok it isnt something I see often i thought it was some1 trying to cross the street, I DIDNT wave my hand out the window across it yes out it NO

NOW i know y he was looking at me funny when i blew the horn at him

Hearing Check may be required....whaaa...????
 

8yo Mancub found jumping on the bed.

Me: Well it's clear to me we have to go to the doctor next week.
Boy: (between jumps) why....Mom...my...I....feel...fine....
Me: because I say "get dressed and brush your teeth" but you hear "this would be an excellent time to jump on the bed in my underpants and drive my mother insane!!!"
Boy: (laughs-still jumping) o...Kay...Mom...my...I'll....go ....with....you...(he starts to giggle)....if.....you're....good.....you'll....get .....a......sticker!!
Me: Dude. You did not just play me like that....(laughing)
Boy: oh yes I did!!! (laughing)
Me: I'll give you $500 if you brush your teeth and put on some clothes.
Boy: REALLY?!?!
Me: No, not really. But I will feed you breakfast. And stop jumping on that bed or Ill duct tape you to the chair.
Boy: oh yeah, I hated that....worst 5 minutes ever...

shit heard in the car...
 

sitting at a stoplight after lunch today...

dixie:aww look honey a poodle

me: :looking around:

dixie: oh nevermind its just an old ladys head

me: :|

dixe and me : :cracked:

laughed so hard I fell off my chair... no really I did. :blink:

That's not saying much, you routinely walk into door frames, trip on perfectly flat, dry floors....and fall off chairs. Have you poked yourself in the eye with your glasses yet today?

And can I get extra non-sequitur on the side please?
 

In the car this morning with the 8yo Mancub, the following conversation took place.

(quietly driving to camp...)
Mancub: Mommy, you should stay away from the Zombie Pig Man if you can, they only want one thing.

Me:Whhaaaa...??? ---who is Zombie Pig Man??

Mancub: Well he's really not the worst thing you just gotta be careful.

Me:Well, that seems wise. Which is worse? The zombie part or the pig part?

Mancub:Well, he's not really a man. He's just a Zombie Pig....."AN UNDEAD PIG?"...(said in that tone of voice that questions both my experience with pigs as well as zombies)...and also, you get 10 hearts in the beginning, to stay alive...

Me: Much like in life I think...the more hearts you have, the better...

Mancub:Moooommmyyyyyy.....!! (whiny voice because I've just derailed him)

Me:I love metaphors in the morning. It smells like intellect.

Mancub:*sigh* Please turn on the radio.

regarding the upcoming jelly making project
 

after I've returned to the house, sitting here posting about things I'm thankful for...
my phone beeps a text
I read: "I'll KILL YA!" ...
Me: :blink: :blink: :confused: :confused: "What the hell did I do now?"

no answer

Me: "I turned the stove off!"

no answer

Me: "WHAT??!!"

phone beeps (typos adding to comedy): "Whn did u put a bottle of water full of lemon juice in my fridge... and do you know what it feels like coming oit of yoir nose"

Me: OMFG!!!
Me: I didn't put it in the fridge!! You must have picked it up from counter!

2 minutes later, beep: I turned up the bottle and took a big gulp it shocked me so bad it spewed out my nose OMG!

me: OMFG!!! ROFLMAO!!! LMAO!!!! (while recalling he had done the same thing recently at a restaurant with a friend)

me: Where's the video?

them: It was cd and in fridge and LEMONY, LOL ... tbe first thing I thought was damn that was cruel... im killin her!

Me: CLEANS out your sinuses

them: LORD what is a comical night

Me: Can't kill me when I already ran out door!! .... you don't need to snort salt water now!!

them: LOL

Me: Are you okay?...... if you are, I am still laughing!!

them: yeah im ok it was just a shock

Me: Thought I ran over your dog the way you yelled!

..... later on, after texting about dog medicine...

Me: you sure aspirin will help him? It won't hurt him like it does a little kid?

Them: real asporin

Me: (chuckling at them using their new phone, and the voice commands that can't understand a southern accent) Ok, I'll see if they sell ASPORIN...

them: "sticks tongue out at u"

Me: bet it still tastes like lemon!!

them: LOL yeah it kinda does!

Me: :p

a text convo...
 

" no more zombie licking! " :chasingzombie:

Stuff said around the house
 

Do you eat peanut butter on everything. Um no theres ketcup,salt,pepper ,sugar and salsa (lol)

Shit heard around this beach.
 

Things heard around this bed...
 

"....you just made my god damn fuckin' eyebrow hurt...."

While riding in the new truck yesterday....