this is a new id for me... would you mind explaining what it means to you? i could guess... but no guarantees i'd be right! ;)
thanks in advance!

i can definitely identify with that! i am invisible in the queer community as well as the hetero community.

i think all this depends on where you are and who you are interacting with. i hope that the queer community is are evolved enough that you find acceptance more often than not. i know we have both here, althugh i like to think we are moving in a trans-positive direction. and no i don't think it makes you a jerk...we can't help who we're attracted to.. but (being a queer femme) maybe i'm biased! :p

Thank You, I'll let you know how it turned out. Hopefully pain free :)

this is interesting to me... i have had the exact opposite experience. often when i am out in public here with very masculine butch women/females, (who btw prefer feminine pronouns), people go out of their way to call them sir. one of the women has very large breasts (i dunno how anyone could miss them)! in these cases do you think it's intentional use of the wrong pronoun? or do you think that they're trying to be sensitive and just aren't able to see the difference? blind? ig'nant? thoughts?

I believe there is an honest-to-goodness mix of people who do those things.

I believe there are some who feel your ID must be that of the masculine....maybe even male.....and they are wanting to "have your back" and let you know they see you and they get it.

I believe there are some who are being a-holes and trying to cut at you.

And I believe there are some who are real "surface-y" with that stuff. His/her mind registered "male" so they went with "sir" and now they're on to the next thing.

There's no way of knowing for sure what one individual means by it at any given time, IMO.

Welp. Went for my 2 week visit. The nipple grafts seemed to have worked and being hairy did not help. Dr. V removed my tape from across my scars and pulled all the hair as well :blink: That said, he said I should be able to toss the ace bandage in a week (at most but possibly before then). I'll have the "skin coloured" tape on my scars for 3-4 months but could be "shirtless by next week!

He also said I could start running in about 3 weeks (I assume weight lifting would be a couple of weeks after that). Either way...

Before my husband transitioned, we had the same experience as Gemme in Central Florida and SW Ontario. Mostly the term *ladies*...not a fan of that word in general but especially hated it when we were out together for obvious reasons.

And it seems most of the time that people in areas like yours are doing it as a "favor"........to say, "Hey, I see you and I'm hip to all this." Would you agree? Or do you think they're being shitty for the most part?

Here in California and especially in the Bay Area, people do make an effort to say ladies and ma'am and such, and I do think it's because they are trying to acknowledge me in a positive way. However, it is annoying. I can see how it is hard for not only straight people, but I have seen this with some queer folks too, to get the pronouns right. I look like a butch, not a man at this point. There are many butches who don't want to be called sir. So I can see how it can be confusing for some female-bodied masculine folks to say, "hey I'm not a sir", and people like me saying, "um, it's sir not lady". I try to be aware that a lot of people have the best of intentions when getting it wrong about my gender identity.

hmmm... i'm in south bay... and we have a lot of butches here, or we used to anyway (our genderqueer and trans pops seem to be growing/becoming more visible and b/f pops shrinking/becoming less visible). the butches i referred to earlier, aren't binding and they get "sir" when we go out. it's like the gen pop see the short hair and masculine dress and look no further. i like the idea of just leaving the pronouns out entirely. especially since sometimes it is hard to tell and isn't always appropriate to ask.

When I officially "came out" my first "girlfriend", I use quotation marks because as it turns out he was actually trans, I had absolutely no idea about his gender dysphoria and was generally clueless.

It is a real shame because I know now, in my complete ignorance I probably made his experience much worse, which I feel much grief about still. I have gone out of my way to educate myself through online sources, blogs, youtube (which I have already mentioned in another thread has a wonderful trans community) academic discourse...basically any source I could get my hands on...But I am still very conscious of the fact that it is not a "one size fits all" case.

He was the first and only trans guy that I have been with and it didn't work so well...

Where I am, there is a small trans community, and I know that I have felt myself attracted to a few trans guys, and to be frank I would hate to miss out on an opportunity to have a special relationship with someone that happens to be trans...

But the thing is, I am just so damn scared of putting my foot in it, because though I have tried hard to become more educated, I am not trans myself.

which leads me to my squeamish question...

How do you recommend opening up this sort of communication?

As in, this is somewhat new to me, and I am not sure that I will totally understand your experience, but I appreciate who you are and I don't want to hurt or patronise you?

I hear complaints from the trans community about cisgendered people just being a pain in the ass, I really don't want to be one those people :(

Actually any advice would be appreciated.

Thank you in advance.

I think its important to establish a friendly interest in someone, before asking questions related to being a transperson, unless you are attending some kind of panel and the audience has been invited to ask questions. While I prefer the direct, to the point questions, when fielding such questions from someone I don't know, I wonder if they consider me a freak or if they have a fetish—and I'm not inclined to be very vulnerable. Have you read The Testosterone Files, by Max Wolf Valerio, Both Sides Now, by Dhillon Khosla, or Just Add Hormones, by Matt Kailey? Perhaps a question relating to one of these books, would be a good way to open a conversation with someone.

This forum is also a good venue to ask questions and gather info from other people's posts.

As a transguy, I am always grateful when someone asks me my preferred pronoun. I am not at all adverse to someone asking me questions about my experience as a trans person. But I think Liam is correct: don't start asking questions as the first thing you talk about with him. However, if your questions are respectful, then it shouldn't be an issue. Saying "this is somewhat new to me, and I am not sure that I will totally understand your experience, but I appreciate who you are and I don't want to hurt or patronise you" is actually perfect. That is being respectful. I hope this helps.

I think the most important thing is pretty much the sentiment you've expressed here: that you're willing to hear what trans people have to say. In many respects I think it's like any relationship or friendship with anyone else. You want to hear the person out, respect their identity without necessarily centering your interaction around that particular identity (broadcasting them to the world as the token trans/gay/butch/femme etc. friend) get to know what they're comfortable with, and generally show respect towards them. Just the way some people claim that they're trans or queer "allies" and yet they spend more time telling trans or queer people how to feel than actually listening to what trans or queer people have to say. Or making trans or queer people feel silly or guilty for not being comfortable with certain pronouns, anatomical words, slurs, jokes, "opinions" about their identity, references and so on.

As far as communication, some transfolks just aren't comfortable with talking about trans issues with people they don't know well, or even at all. Some just want to transition and forget about ever being trans, others want to remain as visibly trans as possible, and that might affect how comfortable they are with talking about their experience with transition or gender identity/expression. As far as asking about pronouns and such, I don't think most transfolks would take offense if you asked about a preferred pronoun. I think many transfolks just appreciate when people make an effort to use the correct pronouns/names, to refer to their bodies in a way that doesn't trigger dysphoria. Also just wanted to add that reading is great, but each trans person is different, so you can't always assume something is true for all transguys because one transguy happens to feel that way. I guess just remaining open and respectful.

transgendered accomplice... :)
 

It's time for me to ask the stupid question of the week....I am transgendered so I dont know what is "normal" anymore BUT...do butches who are NOT trangendered identify with the word "woman"? .... confused in NJ....lol

Some do and some don't.....depends on each individual.

:)

I have not read the thread, but I have a question...and its likely a stupid one.

How much does being on testosterone change someone as a person. For example can the testosterone make someones reactions way more aggressive than they were before? I am unclear as to how to interact with the Transmen in my life. What is OK and not OK to tell them that used to maybe be ok....?? Like if I am venting and don't need help, just someone to listen...etc.

This may be more of a Soffa question, is there a Soffa thread?

I don't think anything should become not ok when we are communicating with our chosen family and friends. T anything is not some pass to be or act like an assclown...

At least that's how I handle the guys, trans, men in my life..

I am not on T.

However, from my understanding if a person was mild mannered before T, there is not reason to expect that they are going to become these raging people.

It is like a second puberty, but with testosterone this time (just like teenage boys). IF the guy on T feels some increased aggressiveness, he just learns to control it like any other guy. I have heard guys say that if they were a "hot head" before T that it was a bit harder to manage after they got on T. But they learn to. Like Snow said, no free passes!

You interact with them like any other person in your life. It is not like they are aliens, Apoc! :lol2:

Oh goodness, I how I am nto sounding like I think anyone is an alien!!! :eatinghersheybar:

What I am wondering is how to deal with someone changing from where I could vent to them about anything and have for 20 years to now them acting on what I am venting about rather than just listening.

There is a point where this changes and the person really is different. Not worse, not bad...just a different person.

Is this Testosterone related?

I would be honest and say, hey!! I need you to listen and just listen... If they listened before why not now? No amount of T should give anyone the right to go around posturing or imposing themselves on your behalf...:)

Thank you! I wanted to make sure saying that was ok and reasonable with the testosterone.

Testosterone ass clown pass does not exist!!!

Transitioning does not equate the I'm Tarzan you Jane shenanigans!

I don't know if I will be able to articulate this well, but I'll give it a shot.

Testosterone *does* change quite a few things about how a person "is". However, it's not as simple as......T was introduced into the system and BINGO---a change has occurred.

I think it is the fact that the individual on T is now perceived and received differently by society at large. The changes in how things go for him on a daily basis cause him to change the way he interacts with others.

An example from my "book" is me when I'm one-on-one with my chiropractor's assistant (female, currently pregnant). When we talk about how she is feeling and her hormones and blahblahblah, I am very measured in my responses because there are times I start to say things that would surely raise an eyebrow.........things I just should not know so well.

I'm still not sure I'm explaining my thoughts on this very clearly.

So being seen as male may have more to do with acting more aggressively than the actual testosterone.

I can definitely tell a difference in interacting with all of my friends who are on testosterone I knew before and now. Especially after the "puberty" phaze.

Priorities are different.

I have been on T for a year now and it has not changed my personality at all. I was not an ass before T so why should I be an ass after T.

Maybe your friends are using the excuse of being on T just to be an ass without taking resposiblilty.

T rage is over exagerated and only used as an excuse for bad behavior.

Rufus

I was on T for a year, and 5 months of that was the full dose. My personality did not change. There were stress factors that went along with being on T, but they weren't from the T itself. They were related to things that came up because I was on T. Make sense?

However, that did not make me a cranky guy, just more anxious. I don't think T fundamentally changes your personality. If he had aggressive tendencies before, those might be more noticeable as he lives in a world that expects that more from him.

Yeah......if we're talking about being aggressive....which I wasn't really focusing on. I was more talking about a general way of "being" really. For some, yeah, that could be about being more aggressive.......not necessarily rage either because I see them as two very different things.

As with my previous post, these are just my opinions. :)

Agree with Rufus, the whole T rage thing is individual at best, if not an all out myth. I've noticed that a lot of guys will use testosterone as an excuse to say and do things that they wouldn't do/say before as far as social acceptability. I think with some guys there's a lot of machismo that goes on that actually has little to do with the testosterone itself, and more to do with insecurity about masculinity, trying to relive an adolescence they never had or just trying to live up to new social expectations on what men are "supposed" to do/say.

I also think its highly individual as well. Remember that a lot of guys may have been much more insecure before testosterone, and as such were never very assertive because they weren't comfortable in their own skin. Once they feel comfortable in their own skin, they may come out of their shell, so to speak. The more assertive person may actually be who they really were, but were never confident enough to be because of their bodies.

All in all, I really think it depends on the individual, not on what testosterone does or doesn't do.

Great answers with so much insight! Thank you all! :)

update on the t-kingdom binders.

After 3 months of not receiving the binders and no response to my emails they finally contacted me via email. They said the binders were returned to them. They asked me for more money to resend the binders. I was a little upset cause it wasn't my fault. It wasn't successfully delivered to my house. For all I know they didn't even mail it. Any, I gave them more money to send it again. Three days later they tell me I didn't give them enough money. They ask me to give them more money for shipping fees and they would reimburse me for what I paid a few days earlier. I told them to forget about it and refund all my money. They refunded the $20 shipping fees but not the money I paid for the binders. When I ask them about that they said it was past the deadline for a refund. Really? I sent them several emails and they didn't respond for months. They have the binders. This business is a serious joke. They probably don't don't even have the funds to refund my money. Really horrible business practices.

Kannon sorry to hear about this mess, I hope this matter gets settled soon. You know a report to the BBB might be a good thing for others out there to know that their business and money practices are bad.

Talking about T: I don't seem to be as effected by or influenced by my emotions.

Given the fact that T-Kingdom is based in Taiwan, I don't know that reporting them to the local Better Business Bureau would be very effective. Spreading the word to those who might want to do business with T-Kingdom, will probably have a greater impact on their business.

Definitely hit up the different sites so people know. I had issues with T Kingdom just getting information so I decided not to buy. Glad I didn't send for them.
Sorry you had bad experience though.

Woman to TransMan
 

Pardon me if this has been asked before, and please understand that I mean no ill will by it, but this is something that I have been curious about for a while now. I'm going to need a little space to work it out, so bear with me, if you don't mind. :)

Typically speaking, I like woman-identified butches, meaning that she embraces those sex characteristics/biological characteristics that make her female, and while her gender presentation may be masculine, she uses feminine pronouns to refer to herself and doesn't want to be a man.

I have noticed that there are a lot of butches here -- some of whom are transitioning, some of whom are not -- who use masculine pronouns and names to identify themselves. They don't consider themselves female or women, their gender presentation and identity is male. They think of themselves as men.

My question is this: where does the butch end and the transman begin?

In my head, butch has a very specific connotation, and for me, butch = woman/female. I am not saying whether this is wrong or right, just it is how I think. I am willing to have my thought process challenged and broadened, however, because after all, butch or transman, I'm a sucker for a pretty smile and a swagger. :eyebat: