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I haven't read this entire thread as I remember all too clearly the huge arguments that came up in the 80's when discussing this topic.
I ran across this video just a minute ago and thought it appropriate for a thread about Lesbian sex. I apologize if it has already been posted. It's called Hearts Cracked Open, a film about Lesbian Tantra. Not everyone's cup of tea, but relevant none the less. http://video.google.com/videoplay?do...9732300321633# |
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I have a very dear friend who is a gay man and he has sex more than most people I know. But, he is having sex with more than one, or even two, partners at any given time. I am not sure if this is indicative or not-I only have the one friend. ;) However, if it does (even partially) reflect with any accuracy, then surely this would explain WHY the male/male couple is reported to have sex with greater frequency than the female/female couple. Personally, I have an extremely high sex drive & try to date women who match that. I have dated a woman in the past who had almost zero (like less than once a month) sex drive and if her abusiveness has ended things, the sex issue may have. However, she would not see to my sexual needs and got angry if I wanted to tend to my them myself. I like to think thought, that if my relationship was good in every way except sex, I would be ok. Thanks for starting this thread, it has given me insight and information about a subject of which I was previously unfamiliar. |
death bed
Can't say I ever experienced lesbian bed death. Never heard of it until this thread actually.
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Although hetero skewed, this new book has some interesting things to think about just in terms of sex and couple-
Marriage Confidential: The Post-Romantic Age of Workhorse Wives, Royal Children, Undersexed Spouses, and Rebel Couples Who Are Rewriting the Rules- Pamala Haag. Also, with the new census stats out about "marriage" declining to under 50% in the US- it has some significance. No, I don't buy all of her hypotheses. |
Can't say I've experienced it either, but that's because I haven't been in a long term relationship with a woman. With my former husband-yeah, that part died pretty much from go (gee, I wonder why??). Somehow we managed to have our beautiful children. It was the same with any other relationship with a man.
I'm here to tell you that given a healthy relationship out of bed, and my depression under control, I'm rarin' to go! I think I too would have to date someone with an extremely healthy libido, or else we just wouldn't be compatible in that way. I spent eight years in a sexless marriage, and I'm not wasting any more time, so to speak. No one's mentioned menopause and its changes and effects on the sex drive, but thus far I haven't noticed much, personally. That's another reason it's so important to take care of ourselves and our bodies as we get into midlife. The day I stop having sex, or feeling sensual with myself, is the day I call it a life. |
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The whole heterosexual-couple-losing-interest-in-sex is a well known problem, in fact around half of all couples going to see sex counsellor are doing so as one party has lost interest in sex. There are also numerous books out there aimed at heterosexual couples as to how to 'reclaim the spark' and deal with the problem. A few years ago I went to a lecture where a counsellor who specialised in sexual issues claimed that no one yet had found a sure-fire way to treat heterosexual bed death. It's not only women who are to blame, however when men lose their sex drive it's generally considered to be a medical problem. |
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Yes, menopause has an effect on libido. And there are many ways to treat this. It isn't the end of the world. in fact, it can be the start of a whole new sexual adventure. To me, quality out ranks quantity- and always has. Something that I feel is lacking in this conversation is the role of sensuality (glad you used the term). To be honest, even in the heat and zealousness of my early life over flowing hormone levels, sex without sensuality led to simply not caring for sex with a partner- which is very different than losing my libido. Sexual compatibility is paramount (is for me, anyway). Disability issues can play a role here, too. Medications as well and some illnesses. Again, there are ways to deal with these things and reach a whole new level of satisfaction as well as desire. Something else that I know we don't like to talk about is the fact that for some, physical changes in a partner can and do impact our sexual desire for them along with the obvious emotional/psychological changes that can occur in a partner. Often, our own guilt about feeling turned-off with some of these changes adds to the stress and tension around our sexual dilemmas. A lover slacking off with personal care and hygiene can put stops on sexual desire. This is just a very complicated area (and highly sensitive)- and I don't think there are quick fixes or simple defining constructs. The Goddesses only know that demands and stresses of daily life and busy lives has an impact on this, too. This is why setting aside "date nights" or mini-vacations, etc. are important for couples in LTRs. I am a person that has always enjoyed and desired sex (especially with sensuality involved) at high levels- even post menopausal (although I have felt some change), yet, if the emotional interaction off, I am not going there. This has always been so. It is about the relational fields between myself and a lover. Some people do not operate this way- and this isn't divided along gender lines. Something I found almost amusing while practicing as a therapist (I did quite a bit of couples work) was that there is a big disparity with how many individuals believe they have a high or very active libido when most fit right into the “norm.” A lot of ego involvement going on and misperception. Most people have no idea of what research bears out concerning libido and that can be hurtful for themselves and their partners. Just enjoy…. And if something goes amiss, do something about it- together! Hell, just sharing that something is off with your partner and talking about what to do about it, jump starts a lot!! |
For me I think after the newness wears off, the way they act and react to daily events has a big impact on how turned on I am. Inconsiderate, or too negative, over-reacting whiny, those are turn offs. It is hard to want intimacy watching someone behaving poorly.
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I've been through this a bit, but honestly I try hard to stay out of relationships where she doesn't want sex. I've gotta rediculously extreme sex drive, it's high and wild and always very easily woken. I'm the active volcano, I don't get along well with the dormant one, it just doesn't mesh. Sex is as much a part of a happy relationship as comunication and intimacy, affection and respect, etc etc. I need to be with someone who's sexual desire is as strong as mine, or I can get pretty irritating. lol, so that said now, my bed is pretty much never dead. If we're not sexin we're lovin in another way, I'm an extremely touchy person with a need for affection, I love to cuttle up and kiss and touch and rub and kitzle till we're both fast asleep in each other's arms. That's how I am, that's how I've always been. My vision is as sucky as it could be, so I'm used to touching everything rather than just looking at it. That's why every inch of my skin is 10 times more sensitive to touch, and my sex drive is through the roof.
Lesbian bed death happens a lot though because honestly, it's science. Most (not all) women are naturally sexually passive, meaning that the male initiates sexual activity. It's the animal instinct in us that we must ignore. Take that and add the PMS/overreacting that comes naturally to us gals and you've got death in the bed. Don't kill the messenger, I ain't makin this junk up. I don't like it, but it happens to all of us. Sometimes even I feel like I can't go get some because I'm feeling "weird" that night. It's a girl thing, we don't have the hormones that men have in order to make us just ready all the time. That's a total generalization, and not all women are that way, but this whole forum is general. I don't know all of your sexlives and individual drives, but again, to kill the messenger wouldn't be nice, It would make me oh so sad. Heheh |
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They are wired that way, in a sense, it's all in the science of the body. I read a little about the "gay sheep" comunity and did some research, and the reason that lesbian sheep are nearly nonexistant (or invisible) is because their natural sexual instinct and duty is to stand still when they're ready to mate. There's not many female sheep who would willingly mount another sheep, it happens but it's extremely rare. If you wanna look at it from that point of view, femail animals (including humans) are "wired" to be gotten, not to go get. That's how women were brought up for all of history before, and only recently have we started raising our girls as free as our boys.
Now I'm gonna get away from our natural chemicle reactions and hormones and such because we're humans and unlike sheep, we have minds that work. We "mount" each other all the time, we have healthy and active sexlives, and we're happy and visible. But on some level, our animal instincts as females (in other words: passive sexual mates) kick in. It's all science, I hate science and I'm a rebel in how I don't let that get in the way of my sex drive, that's what a lot of lesbians do. |
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maybe they prefer oral Thinking about these two sow's I used to work with who were madly in love and humped each other quite often. They were forced to breed but would refuse to feed their babies unless they were together staring lovingly into each other's eyes. oh wait this isnt an animal thread? |
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I'm going to walk away from this before I start ranting, and leave the reasoning to someone with more patience. |
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I still don't understand how women are wired to be "gotten?" |
Um Ive never had this issue ;) Just sayin :)
But that being said. I havent been with someone for a long period. Of time. However, I do have a high sex drive and cannot be with someone who doesnt. I believe all needs of a relationship should be met so if I was with someone and that wasnt there anymore. Im sorry to say I dont know that I could stay in that relationship... For me, it would be a friendship then... Just my two cents and MY thoughts.... |
let us not forget horse's and their come hither , impossible to ignore *wink* thing they do
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I resisted the sheep jokes
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I can't even count all the ways this is non-scientific, not evidence-based, sexist, etc. Absolutely ridiculous! In what universe are women naturally passive? Really? At first I thought you were joking until I realized you weren't!
Comparing us to animals? Sheep?! Lesbian bed-death, I won't comment other than my own prior experience of 19 years with same woman, 18 living together because I have seen no studies on it done with a large, random-sample of lesbians, using a validated instrument for the study. It seems like a lot of generalizations to me. Did we have a hell of a lot more sex at age 29-30 than we did almost 20 years later, of course; for many of the reasons At Last Home stated in her comments. But did our bed die? Hardly! We always need to be careful of generalizations and a self-fullfilling prophecy! |
Lolol, it's so fun making people just cringe. Chill out, I know what I do and you can believe whatcha want to, I'm just explaining what I meant, don't shoot the messenger. I didn't make it up. Oooh, it doesn't "self-fulfill" me, I'm perfectly happily sexual sexual sexual. :P
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I'd take a pass on the cow pie, though.
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There's definitely some kind of horse parts up in here.* Sheep dip, anyone? http://spencerfield.files.wordpress....tage-13web.jpg *My apologies to actual horses. |
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Cute Widdle Wesbian, Welcome to the site! I don't know if your intent in this thread is to, indeed, "make people cringe" but I've had a couple of complaints from folks who think you are a troll looking to stir up trouble on this site. I really hope that isn't the case and that your humor just isn't translating well. Either way, please review the Terms of Service for this site so that you will have a clear idea of how we would like the membership to interact with one another: http://www.butchfemmeplanet.com/inde...20of%20Service Thanks, Admin |
Hmmm, as a biologist and scientist, when some "facts" are stated, I'm always curious about the source, the methodology behind the statements and who made the research and in what year... just saying, that if someone has blanket statements and claims it to be science, give me the source... Thanks, end of my rent (and no, I'm not PMSing), any scientist, male or female, would wonder the same thing!
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I had bed death in a relationship once. It was with my boyfriend (xy male) at the time. We were both young and the best of friends. There was nothing "wrong" with our relationship to each other (no trust issues broken, we loved each other tons etc) but I think that our extremely high level of intimacy without the frission of sexual adventure made it just melt into a friendship only thing. The last year we were together, we had sex about four times, I think. It was pretty clunky the last two times. If you don't use it, you lose it - and what I didn't know back then was: you have to put aside times to just have a go anyway. and do it while doing something new and what both turns you on.
I like diiiiirty sex. And it wasn't dirty any more so I lost my desire for it. Not for him, really, just for the calm, intimate sex that is nice as a topping but I just can't get into as a main course. I also didn't know that then. I do know better now. stressors still happen and I have highly intimate relationships (which can put stress on your love life). But I know now to say, "I want my hands tied if you are going to do that" or "how bout here on the couch instead of in bed" - having sex in bed every single time in exactly the same way because we are both super tired most of the time and want to have sex but have 20 minutes to do so cause we need sleep... is a killer for me. I'd rather not have sex for an extra week then have it on a weekend afternoon we've put aside (regardless of if I'm in the mood or not - I can be stirred into the mood if it's different, novel, dirty or nasty in some way) because repetitiveness will get me to "neh, I think I'm too tired. lets sleep" And from what I hear from my other friends, that's a common complaint that does lead to het/homo bed death. |
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I have never experienced lesbian bed death.
During the first 7-years of my long-term relationship, we had sex virtually every night. After I found out that she cheated on me, it did decrease for a while but did not die until the 19th year when I just could not deal with her final betrayal. Until that last year though, there was just something between us that was so electric that all she had to do was touch me and I wanted her. No matter what. I would have a very hard time accepting the death of a great sex life. It would be a real loss. |
My last round of Chemo seriously effected my sex drive. It wasn't that I lost interest.....I tried to explain to my wife it must be how men feel with E.D. You want to.....you just can't.
I did lose interest in even trying when it became obvious she was getting her needs met elsewhere. She moved out in August after 10 years together. I have a "tentitive" date for NYE.........but will I be expected to do the NYE kiss?? I know this may sound odd, but I've been faithful to the ex since our first kiss in 2001. Even now....casual sex just doesn't interest me at all anymore. Maybe I'm just being gun shy. Suggestions.....comments.... |
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Like you and some others here, I cannot say that I have experienced a diminished sex drive over the course of my lifetime. Even with exiting a perio-menopause state: which, technically, if how I understand menopause, it's the state of being that follows the perio-menopause state. What I was going to say is that for me, even now, my sex drive feels like it always has - I have strong libido, even after going through a very tough, albeit short, perio-menopause state. I think my time was shorter than most maybe because my active menses state began when I was very young (right after I turned 9 years old) with my active menses years extending to when I turned 50. It's just been lately, since summer, that I have been free of my active menses state. Even when I entered into an perio-menopause trajectory, which was the worst ever time of my life (a menses cycle that lasted longer than 8 weeks, then disappeared for several months), my sex drive raged more. Sometimes, when it comes to diminished sex drives, I have to wonder whether there are other elements that come into play (health issues, for example) or even unresolved relationship/communication issues, because I have to agree with you and others (take Jo's post, for example), that for me too, I think my sex drive would falter if there were unresolved issues or communication barriers impeding upon a person's sex drive... I do believe my sex drive is spark driven. For the most part, I'm terribly grateful that I feel sparkly (sparky) and that my sex drive seems to be in tact; especially since my own experience with having made it past the perio-menopausal state. |
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i second dis emotion... |
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Since when does almighty sex trump everything else in a couples life? Of course sex is a good thing, but if that i the string holding it together that is a sad thing. If that is all i mean to you, you are not for me. |
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This term "lesbian bed death" is one that has been around for forever, it's unfortunate that negativity prevails over all. I can only speak to my experiences, and I have been in relationships where the sex was plentiful and waned and regained momentum. The reason mostly is not because you lack the physical desire but that we are emotional beings and therefore when our emotions come into play all aspects of our life are affected.
I am in agreement that sex is not the be all and end all in a relationship but it is important and to me can be the glue...if I am physically separate from someone for any length of time I feel disconnected. Of course, if my partner has some ailment that presents a challenge that is a whole different ballgame and I would stay by her side. The "death" in my opinion is much like "making love" it starts long before you reach the bedroom, and therefore each moment and each day should be one that nurtures the soul of each of you so that your "bed" can flourish. |
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Lesbian Death Bed......
I know it’s always been associated with lesbians but really isn’t “death bed" prevalent with all relationships whether heterosexual or homosexual? What nincompoop had to assoicate it just with lesbians?
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sex is over rated. now affection, lesbians know affection better than anybody LOL.
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stating what is obvious to me.......
I have been the cause of lesbian bed death and I have received the same result by another.
When I have caused it, on more than one occasion it was directly in relation to my emotions over a period of time while in the relationship. After attempts to work through couples issues that normally come up......I start drifting into the I am losing my desire for you space. That is to say the longer these issues take to address, or get ignored, or attempted to get through only to fall back, the less I want to be intimate with her. I can only do part of what is needed in the relationship at this point, there has to be effort on the other side. SO when that effort is non existent, or seriously lacking over a period of time, that speaks to my emotions and rather than be conditional, my libido kicks in at some point and slowly ebbs away. I won't fake it or pretend either way. It is not easy to go through, and what was wanted was the emotional substance that was lacking. I am a patient woman, but if I feel used and issues are not addressed, the ebbing starts. Sex is not the most important thing in my idea of a relationship, but it sure is pretty important. Let me add that intimacy most of the time for me does not always involve sex. And said intimacy will and can help carry the non-existence presence of sex, again tho, there are two people who need to participate in this...... |
Even if you haven't heard of "IT," you most likely have experienced it. Lesbian Bed Death is a phrase coined by Pepper Schwartz and Phillip Blumstein in 1983 from a study they conducted on diminished sexual activity in long-term relationships.
Basically, it’s the term used to describe the death knell of the monogamous sex life of a couple. Their study included monogamous lesbian, gay and heterosexual couples. http://www.shewired.com/lifestyle/na...eath?page=full All long-term couples have a decrease in sexual activity. Lesbian bed death is a myth that will not die. "You Can Tell Just By Looking": And 20 Other Myths about LGBT Life and People By Michael Bronski, Ann Pellegrini, Michael Amico A totally irritating myth specifically about lesbians. You don't hear a catchy phrase called"heterosexual bed death" do you? :bedfuck: |
No, with heterosexuals, it's just called "bed death." there is no sexuality qualifier on it. My het friends bitch about it. The women, usually.
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call it what you will.......
Call it by any name or label that you choose (people in general and no one specific). It is not a bed death sentence, but a term used to give or lead to information/discussion. This can apply to relationships over all and not exclusive to lesbians. I would not begin a statement saying I have lived/done this lesbian bed death in relationships with my boyfriend for example....LOL I have never even had a boyfriend. What I apply it to is me...being a lesbian. So yea, the following stands true, and the terminology for me is fine. The interpretation over the course of 20 years or so has been askew no doubt from the original usage. Something is told over and over again and we all know what happens, how that info changes and even the intent of the info or how it is used. There have been many times that I have felt trounced upon by words for being a lesbian, this set of words does not phase me negatively. This post is the first time I have heard the term, and it is not something I would adopt into my language usage. Just because I would rather more fully describe what it means to lose desire than use the "slang" .
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