My guess would be that the birth gender is used for insurance purpose, so they match and the actually gender you use is for them on how to address you. I sure wish more places made that simple effort. Even in Oregon they had to pit the gender on your birth certificate on all official paper work. Simply bcs of insurance at least that is how my doctor explained it. However my doctor did refer to me with make pronouns through out my chart and on all correspondence that I requested from her, I was lucky that way.

Ender, I can see where they would leave Female on you chart if you are not "legally" male, as Knightsblade says, for insurance purposes. They need to bill with the legal sex. But, does it need to be on the front of the chart? I don't see why that is necessary.

They ask for your preferred pronoun/gender somewhere else in the chart because:
a) they want you to feel comfortable
b) they want to pretend like they give want you to feel comfortable so that they "look good" (for political reasons, such as HRC's health index ratings).

Not so much that its in my file at all, so much as it being on the front of the chart with my name. They take your Health Card when you first go, so they have all the info on the Health Card as well, but to me if they're going to ask at all they can at least have the courtesy to include what you wrote on the initial form. There are some clinics that do that and there are no problems. For example, Hassle Free Clinic here doesn't even require your Ontario Health Card to see a doctor and will allow trans people to put the gender they identify as regardless of legal status. And even though they have sex-segregated (deals primarily with sexual health) hours they'll allow trans guys to go to the men's hours and vice versa for trans women.

I can understand having the sex you were assigned at birth somewhere inside the file with general info about you, but at the very least they could also include male/transgender on the front since they asked for that information specifically and would actually be important for the doctor/nurse who calls you in to see before they say "Mr./Mrs. xyz" (had this experience when I went for an ultra sound just recently. The doctor herself was fine because she'd actually looked inside the file, but the nurse just kind of walked out and called for Mrs. xyz because its on the front of the file.

Oh, I absolutely agree with you that your preferred name/gender be placed on the front of the chart so that the above crap does not happen.

Sorry you had to deal with that.

I do think that you should give the client the option to say how they define themselves, on that form. Why don't you just ask them, then , when going to the menu to set it down, leave it blank, and make a note elsewhere on the form, as to what your clients defines themselves as?

You might have to go to the appropriate authorities to get this change into the system, but I submit that it is worth it. For example, if someone is identifying as 'genderqueer', I really don't think that it is a good way to build trust between you two, by misidentifying them.

Thank you very much, though, for asking this question.

Ok I have a question or two. Bear with me if I word it wrong.
It has been some years now since I have had to deal with the medical profession in a state where sexuality nevermind being FtM is not protected from discrimination. Well that is what I am facing here in Georgia.

So my question is how would you approach a new doctor knowing this and needing to make sure you find one un a timely manner since I only have enough T to last me a couple of months. In Oregon my gp handled my T and all the follow up for being on it. Also will I have to get another therapist letter even though I have been on T for a year with both a letter and signed informed consent.

If I rambled to much and you're not sure what I am asking please just let me know. Thanks for reading my question.

There are a few ways you could go about finding a new doctor. There are some resources you could use online. FTM International might be a good place to start for you if you haven't already found a trans community near you that could help you out.

http://www.ftmi.org/3meetings.htm

In the above section they list groups that meet in Georgia, US so you could always attend a meeting and ask around there. I think FMI also have an online group that you can join and ask around for doctor recommendations in your area.

There are also active forums like http://www.susans.org/forums/index.php
and http://forum.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php that have active trans guy/FTM forums where you can ask around. A lot of the membership there are pretty US-based so you could find some good doctor recommendations there if you open up a thread and ask, or at the very least be given some resources for your state.

Ender gave you a lot of good information. You shouldn't need another letter if you are already on T. I would suspect whatever PCP you get will keep writing the scripts. You could contact one of the GA therapists at www.wpath.org and they should be able to refer you to an Endo n ear you that works with trans people. Another idea is to contact an LGBT organization in your area or PFLAG. I really dont think you will have a hard time with your PCP. When you get the list of PCPs for yout insurance, contact each one of them and ask i f that doc will keep your script going. Pick that person to be your new PCP

Try: http://www.drbecky.com/therapists.html . Once you find a nearby therapist, on that list, contact them and ask for a recommendation for a doctor that will likely be willing to care for you. Hopefully, this will help.

deb,

I have a couple of thoughts.

First of all, it is normal to have loss about losing a daughter. Yes, your child is still the same person, but if indeed your child is FTM, there is loss around what you expected for their life (the social things Gemme mentioned). In my work with adolescents and their parents, I find that this is where parents feel guilt. They feel guilty for feeling loss. Well, guess what? It IS a loss. Don't feel like you aren't accepting your child's gender identity just because you are grieving who you thought them to be. It is normal. Just like it is for the spouse of an adult who is changing their sex.


I think that the MOST IMPORTANT thing you can do for your child is to find a therapist that specializes in gender issues. As you know, often masculinity can get conflated with males (we need to look no further than our female butches and the frustration they face with this). It is important that your child separate out gender expression (masculinity) from gender/sex (male).

As a gender therapist, I always make sure with every client that they put this into perspective (adults as well as adolescents). My thought is that with having a FTM in the home, your child would have even more of a hard time seeing how a masculinity does not = male. Your child's example (in their young brain) is that a female changes gender if they are masculine.

Now, one of the positives of Ethan being in your child's life is that he can talk with your child about gender expression (masculinity) versus gender/sex (male) in a way that other paretns cannot, but I still think there are discussions that can be had with a therapist that one can't have with their parent. Additionally, there could be issues around your child having a desire to connect with Ethan more, to have a "sameness" that masculine individuals desire to have with the masculine parent, so that can be impacting your child's desire/thinking that they are male, also.

Please don't hear the above as me questioning your child's gender identity. Lord knows I would be the last person to do this, but I believe that due diligence is important with all trans individuals, but again, I believe that your child is in a special situation (one, on the whole, I think they are lucky to have - a FTM in their household).

Check out www.wpath.org and click on the provider tab to find a qualified gender therapist (and the list/link that Nadeest provided). I think that most states are represented. Contact that person. Even if they are too far away or don't take your child's insurance, ask them for the name of someone who is closer to you and might. Even if that person doesn't take your child's insurance, THEY might know someone who does. Even if you are told that so and so therapist only sees adults, call them anyway. Your child is 17, so they may make an exception (hell, that is how I started treating a 15 year old).

I would suggest doing this sooner, rather than later. If indeed your child does want to transition (with hormones and legal name change), it would start them off great if they could graduate from high school (I am assuming they are in high school), with the proper name/birth certificate (if your state allows birth certificate changes). It would make their entrance into adulthood as seamless as possible.

I also want to tell you that your child is very lucky to have a mom like you. They are fortunate that you are willing to accept whoever they feel themselves to be.

Hi Gemme,
Thank you so much for all your advice and your friendship.
I have to admit, the person is the same, yes.. however, the mother/daughter things we used to do together, such as dress shopping, trying different make up, etc.. u will not have anymore.
Yes, I am accepting my son and am excited about helping him with his new journey and getting to know him better..

In my son's journey to find himself, he went through many experiences as a girl and young lady, and enjoyed them.. such as going shopping with my daughter in law and i for her Homecoming dress, and getting all dolled up and stuff..
Now... my son does not wish for me to talk about those girlie things anymore around him cause it helps his dysphoria.
So, yes.. i do absolutely love and support our son. .
There is and will be a sense of loss of my daughter.
Will I bring it up and make my son feel guilty? He'll no.
I do truly appreciate you and your kind words and help and friendship.

Dapper,
I thank God for You and for sharing this with me.
Thank You for understanding.
I will be looking for a therapist for our son Monday.

I have mentioned to him many times before about being butch, etc.. and even a gender to him, and every time he has been adamant that neither is the case.
I questioned him about wanting to be more like Dad (our son calls Ethan Dad), and just as adamantly he assured me that is not the case.
For awhile he was wavering back and forth, but he said it was mainly be he was scared of what Ethan and me would say. Our son said," I have never felt comfortable as a girl in a boy/girl relationship, nor a girl/girl relationship, and i am tired of pretending to be."

For years, he would dress and be androgynous. . But still did not feel right.

Ethan has been talking with our son a lot more now that our son has made up his mind and heart on who he is.

So.. i guess the best thing to do is find a therapist for him, and possibly for me to help any way I can.

Oh and, please know, I understand and believe You about
You not questioning my son's gender..
I truly appreciate You and Your help.

deb,

No problem, I am glad it was helpful. I admit that I get very nervous and cautious about young FTMs going on Testosterone. Their voice can drop like a rock after the first couple of shots. You cannot foretell how quickly it will drop or how low it will drop. It doesn't matter if the person starts with a deep voice to begin with or how deep their male relative's voices are. There is no correlation. As you probably know, voice changes are not reversible.

I feel much less anxious about a trans girl going on estrogen and testosterone blockers, she can change her mind and the T will flow back into her body like a demon. People aren't aware of how powerful of a hormone testosterone is and although I support "informed consent" where therapy is NOT a requirement, I admit that with adolescents/very young adults, it makes me nervous. There IS such a thing as transsexual regret. It does happen and it is very hard for the female bodied people who now have a male voice return to a female life. It can be very hard and painful. Hell, top surgery is reversible.

Anyway...the reason I responded to your post (sorry for the ramble) is if you are comfortable, PM me your city and I can ask on the WPATH listserve for a therapist in your area. Sorry I didn't think of that sooner.

Hi deb,
Gemme and Dapper pretty much covered everyhing however I wantedd to add a couple of things from experience. One is because I am living in the same state as you now I know from experience that unless you are living in Atlanta findding a therapist with experience with this issue may be difficult. I know that as an adult I am having a difficult time finding a doctor never mind a therapist in my area and I wish I lived closer to Atlanta. So if Dapper can help in that area I would highly reccomend it. While your son is ahead of the game compared to most just because he has you and Ethan I believe that a therapist is crucial. If only so he can have someone to talk to that is not his parents. Especially in this very very conseravitive state. Hopefully you live close to Atlanta that does have a large LGBTQ community where he will have access to not only a therapist but possible some peer support groups so that he does not feel so alone.

As someone that lost my bio-family due to who I am I can understand your fear about your mom. However you are ahead of the game if she accepted the comming out as gay part that you expressed. Just as you will grieve the things you used to do with him and the things I am sure you dreamt of doing with him in the future your mother must also grieve the loss of her grand duaghter. All you can do is be there for both of them once your mom has been told. As for you having difficulty, if I read the first post right, with usuing the right pronoun and stuff I believe it will become natural with time and usuage. After all you did refer to him as her for 17 years so to switch to him may take time. If my bio-family can call me Alix after 47 years I am more than confident you will make the transtion with little effort.

One last thing I do suggest that you also see a therapist. You will also need to do some self care and maybe need somme help with the grieving process. While it is important that you ar there for your son it is also just as important that you take care of yourself and get any support you can find to help you through this. After all if you don't do self care and address how this affects you you may not be able to be ther for your son when he needs you.

He is lucky to have parents like you and Ethan that are willing to be there for him.

Between them, Gemme, Dappar, and Wolfsblade pretty much covered it, I'd say. I will say, though, that I do understand a bit how your son experiences dysphoria when you talk about certain issues. A couple of years ago, in one of my culinary classes, parts of our class had to be servers, on certain occasions, since that class was preparing meals for others.

We had to wear black pants, white, button-down shirts, and a tie, along with black shoes, when we were working as servers. The first time that I was a server, I hadn't been able to find female clothing, that fit the requirements, so I had to wear the male equivalent. I was very uncomfortable, and could barely function, that day, during class. Basically, I was barely able to take care of one table, where everyone else was taking care of three or four tables full of customers.

That was about the worst incident of dysphoria that I have had, in three or four years, I think.

Wow, I'm so sorry to hear this. It really makes me think.

I don't remember the last time I had to wear clothing that felt to me like it genuinely represented what would feel like "cross dressing" into the wrong gender. I wear non-gender-specific casual clothing a lot but haven't done actually female looking anything in probably 25 years at least.

It sounds completely disorienting.

It was, trust me. I was also, later on that day, coming home from class, treated as a male, by someone in an elevator. It did not feel good, at all.

I found a story and while I am glad that this couple has found a way to get married, I feel that this is a step back for those who truly are trans and who truly are trying to be the person they were meant to be. I don't believe that transgender is a "loophole" in the system and I feel that they have taken the hard fought progress a step backwards.

What really kicked me in the gut is when she says, "Jacki is so authentic." This scenario feels as far away from authentic as you can get.

So, transguys and transgals, what do you think?

Christine and Jacki

In 2006, "Oprah Show" viewers met Christine, a mother of two who made a surprising confession to her husband, Joe, after seven years of marriage: She was gay. But she wasn't the only one in the family with a secret. Joe was gay, too.

During that episode, the divorced couple shared their story, from when they each realized their true sexuality to how the truth came out. Two-and-a-half years later, Christine appeared on "Oprah" again, revealing that, even though she felt most comfortable in relationships with women, she had gone back to dating men. "I really can't label myself," Christine told Oprah back then.

It's now been eight years since audiences first met Christine. She tells "Oprah: Where Are They Now?" that life today has never been better. While she and Joe don't have much of a relationship beyond Facebook, Christine has a new spouse -- and an intense story about what it took to make their marriage happen.

Christine's wife, Jacki, first saw her on "The Oprah Show." "When the camera panned over to her, my initial response was, 'Oh, my God. That woman's beautiful,'" Jacki recalls. "I would have never thought she was a lesbian if I saw her walking the streets."

After running into each other several times, the two began dating. Christine says she fell in love with Jacki's authenticity and proposed to her three years ago. The women were looking forward to being married, but there was a big problem: During the time they were engaged, gay marriage was not legal in their state of California.

"Even though we were fighting a good fight, I wasn't feeling very optimistic about it," Christine admits.

That's when Jacki discovered a loophole.

"I started looking into transgender. In the eyes of the courts, if I were to have my gender changed to male, just like that, she gets my Social Security, she gets my pension," Jacki says.

So, Jacki elected to have a double mastectomy. In April 2013, she officially changed her sex to "male" on her birth certificate. She and Christine soon married and just celebrated their one-year wedding anniversary last month.

"I was so overwhelmed that somebody would do such a thing," Christine says of Jacki's selflessness. "It was the biggest act of love anyone's ever done for me."