Quote:
Originally Posted by FireSignFemme
I have a difficult time and am very careful about sharing anything about the abuse I've been through with anyone outside of therapy because of the way some of the things I've shared in the past have boomeranged back around to hurt me. For example I once had someone I'd confided in about some of the abuse I experienced as a child later in anger say to me – I wish he (my abuser) had gotten you in the ass! Another time someone I was living with flew into a rage and asked why was I telling them about things that had occurred in my past did I want to provoke them, make them angry, was I trying to get her to kill my abuser? No? Then why was I telling her this shit! She went off about how she was sick and tired of being with women who'd been abused because she felt like she was constantly being punished, made to suffer for someone else's sins. Then she stomped off angry to go who knows where, to do who knows what, only to return late that evening without saying anything. She never explained her behavior and certainly never apologized for her outburst. I felt completely abandoned when she left me to just sort through it, work it out on my own. It also felt like a major mind f**k because she was the one who told me I could tell her anything about my past and she wouldn't shame me, judge me, hold it against me, use it to hurt me like that male partner of mine had. Yet she did.
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My first butch lesbian partner did the exact same thing, the mind-f*ck thing you describe, where they persuade you to believe that you can tell them anything and they won't use it in controlling ways by shaming you or blame you when you're the victim, etc. I've actually seen that type of control pattern among the abusers who've had access to my life. So, now a days, when I hear someone say something like that, it's like a giant red flag about the person who makes that claim because in my own opinion, based on past experiences, to me? When someone says that? It's like they want you to believe they'd never do that, then they do exactly what they say they won't do, which to me, is like gas-lighting or as you aptly describe it -- the 'mind-f*ck'. They want you to think and believe that they own some modicum or shred of compassion. But, it's never been my experience that any abuser or perpetrator has any ounce of conviction about what they do or say (a form of narcissism, maybe?); like it's their favorite line to parrot, hoping you won't see them for who they really are or catch on to how manipulative they are or their level of secretivity, yanno?
Because to me, that's how abusers are: They are masters of control. It's like a perverse sickness, if you ask me. You mention that your abuser was male; but abusers/perpetrators in my past were both male and/or female.
It hurts, suffering through something like this, what you went through.
I read your other post, where you said you got booted from therapy. Hopefully you will find a competent therapist you can see on a regular basis, outside the quarterly visits you have with your psychiatrist. My insurance at work does not pay a cent toward mental health services at all, so the burden of paying for services to see a therapist is on me. Luckily, my primary physician referred to me a teaching clinic, which is licensed by the Board of Psychology and Practical Medicine Boards. I make a small payment every week, and I'm grateful I can afford the small payment I incur weekly. I also have to pay for parking because they don't have free parking.
I am keeping my fingers crossed for you as move forward in your recovery.
--K.
