PTSD and Trauma recovery

[FireSignFemme]

I have a difficult time and am very careful about sharing anything about the abuse I've been through with anyone outside of therapy because of the way some of the things I've shared in the past have boomeranged back around to hurt me. For example I once had someone I'd confided in about some of the abuse I experienced as a child later in anger say to me – I wish he (my abuser) had gotten you in the ass! Another time someone I was living with flew into a rage and asked why was I telling them about things that had occurred in my past did I want to provoke them, make them angry, was I trying to get her to kill my abuser? No? Then why was I telling her this shit! She went off about how she was sick and tired of being with women who'd been abused because she felt like she was constantly being punished, made to suffer for someone else's sins. Then she stomped off angry to go who knows where, to do who knows what, only to return late that evening without saying anything. She never explained her behavior and certainly never apologized for her outburst. I felt completely abandoned when she left me to just sort through it, work it out on my own. It also felt like a major mind f**k because she was the one who told me I could tell her anything about my past and she wouldn't shame me, judge me, hold it against me, use it to hurt me like that male partner of mine had. Yet she did.

[Kätzchen]

Originally Posted by FireSignFemme

I have a difficult time and am very careful about sharing anything about the abuse I've been through with anyone outside of therapy because of the way some of the things I've shared in the past have boomeranged back around to hurt me. For example I once had someone I'd confided in about some of the abuse I experienced as a child later in anger say to me – I wish he (my abuser) had gotten you in the ass! Another time someone I was living with flew into a rage and asked why was I telling them about things that had occurred in my past did I want to provoke them, make them angry, was I trying to get her to kill my abuser? No? Then why was I telling her this shit! She went off about how she was sick and tired of being with women who'd been abused because she felt like she was constantly being punished, made to suffer for someone else's sins. Then she stomped off angry to go who knows where, to do who knows what, only to return late that evening without saying anything. She never explained her behavior and certainly never apologized for her outburst. I felt completely abandoned when she left me to just sort through it, work it out on my own. It also felt like a major mind f**k because she was the one who told me I could tell her anything about my past and she wouldn't shame me, judge me, hold it against me, use it to hurt me like that male partner of mine had. Yet she did.

My first butch lesbian partner did the exact same thing, the mind-f*ck thing you describe, where they persuade you to believe that you can tell them anything and they won't use it in controlling ways by shaming you or blame you when you're the victim, etc. I've actually seen that type of control pattern among the abusers who've had access to my life. So, now a days, when I hear someone say something like that, it's like a giant red flag about the person who makes that claim because in my own opinion, based on past experiences, to me? When someone says that? It's like they want you to believe they'd never do that, then they do exactly what they say they won't do, which to me, is like gas-lighting or as you aptly describe it -- the 'mind-f*ck'. They want you to think and believe that they own some modicum or shred of compassion. But, it's never been my experience that any abuser or perpetrator has any ounce of conviction about what they do or say (a form of narcissism, maybe?); like it's their favorite line to parrot, hoping you won't see them for who they really are or catch on to how manipulative they are or their level of secretivity, yanno?

Because to me, that's how abusers are: They are masters of control. It's like a perverse sickness, if you ask me. You mention that your abuser was male; but abusers/perpetrators in my past were both male and/or female.


It hurts, suffering through something like this, what you went through.

I read your other post, where you said you got booted from therapy. Hopefully you will find a competent therapist you can see on a regular basis, outside the quarterly visits you have with your psychiatrist. My insurance at work does not pay a cent toward mental health services at all, so the burden of paying for services to see a therapist is on me. Luckily, my primary physician referred to me a teaching clinic, which is licensed by the Board of Psychology and Practical Medicine Boards. I make a small payment every week, and I'm grateful I can afford the small payment I incur weekly. I also have to pay for parking because they don't have free parking.

I am keeping my fingers crossed for you as move forward in your recovery.

--K.

[FireSignFemme]

Thanks. I've experienced abuse at the hands of both men and women too. None of it felt good but I found the abuse handed down by women especially painful, more so than what I experienced with men, even when the abuse wasn't as intense. As much work as I've done in therapy over the years I still don't understand, fully get why that is.

[FireSignFemme]

My son and I went out and over breakfast had a good talk. He has the same concerns I do about the apartment J and I looked at but even so thinks I should move if I'm approved. As he pointed out every place has it's pros and cons but we're not talking amenities, interior design, just being picky. We're talking basic safety.

I don't know I don't feel scared being here. I mean I left home for good three days after turning fifteen and compared to the places I stayed back then, oh this is a cake walk, complete and total joy, gun fire and all. However no this is not a place I want any grandchild of mine to ever be exposed to.

I once had a therapist tell me I should ask myself - Is this something I would want for my children, anyone else I love and care about? And if the answer is no then I shouldn't find it acceptable for me either. I should be just as protective of myself as I am of others.

Fact is often times I worry more about the well being, health and safety of strangers than I worry about the well being, health and safety of me. Most of my life I've just felt young and strong and invincible. It's only now in my mid 50's I'm starting to think Hmm... maybe not so much.

And even more depressing it's only going to keep getting worse. Well unless I have much better luck than Ponce de Leon did in finding that fountain of youth. Instead I'm finding out the worst thing about getting older isn't as I thought growing uglier, it's going to be not being able to run faster.

[Apocalipstic]

So, a few weeks ago something happened which triggered my fight or flight, and PTSD symptoms have or are appearing.

Although I know its not my fault, I feel like it is. Like if I had been hyper-vigilant in the first place, I would not be feeling like this now...which, I know, makes zero sense.

I've been to therapy and am going again Wednesday. I burn Palo Santo and Sage and stretch and chill as much as possible. I'm even praying.

Today at work, I actually told a client she was lying to me (she was) and became angry so quickly, I had to walk away. I have worked here 6 years and never actually said that to anyone. I am horrified at myself...though, not in any trouble at work.

I am hyper sensitive and alert and since I am an empath on top of having PTSD, I am have even been feeling people's thoughts even more personally. Yay.....not.

I just am so frustrated. I will think my PTSD is under control, then something happens to trigger me. Do y'all experience this?

Wanted to vent a little, see how everyone is and ask if this seems normal?

Love and light to you!!!

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic

So, a few weeks ago something happened which triggered my fight or flight, and PTSD symptoms have or are appearing.

Although I know its not my fault, I feel like it is. Like if I had been hyper-vigilant in the first place, I would not be feeling like this now...which, I know, makes zero sense.

I've been to therapy and am going again Wednesday. I burn Palo Santo and Sage and stretch and chill as much as possible. I'm even praying.

Today at work, I actually told a client she was lying to me (she was) and became angry so quickly, I had to walk away. I have worked here 6 years and never actually said that to anyone. I am horrified at myself...though, not in any trouble at work.

I am hyper sensitive and alert and since I am an empath on top of having PTSD, I am have even been feeling people's thoughts even more personally. Yay.....not.

I just am so frustrated. I will think my PTSD is under control, then something happens to trigger me. Do y'all experience this?

Wanted to vent a little, see how everyone is and ask if this seems normal?

Love and light to you!!!

Hi Doll,

Recently my therapist made a *chronic PTSD* diagnosis on me. It really shocked me because I am apparently uneducated about it. I just always called it old tapes or bad memories surfacing uninvited.

I don’t think we experience the same thing, but I can tell you my anxiety comes out of no where, for no apparent reason. I re-live a feeling that I really don’t want to re-live, but it happens.

Big hugs ((( Apoc ))))

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

Hi Doll,

Recently my therapist made a *chronic PTSD* diagnosis on me. It really shocked me because I am apparently uneducated about it. I just always called it old tapes or bad memories surfacing uninvited.

I don’t think we experience the same thing, but I can tell you my anxiety comes out of no where, for no apparent reason. I re-live a feeling that I really don’t want to re-live, but it happens.

Big hugs ((( Apoc ))))

Over and over! I was first diagnosed at 23 and its been with me since (and was before). Things have happened to add to it as well.

I'm sorry that you have PTSD, but glad that you know. Its somehow comforting to know whats wrong.

This most recent episode stemmed from being groped and dismissed by someone in power at my church. It pushed so many buttons for me. I stood up. I told. I wrote and letter to read to him with church leadership and then he did not show up.

Now, he has lost his position, but is still around. I am not really OK. My nerves are just so shot and I am creeped out. I want to punch him in the throat, or run away.

Thank you for the sweet post and the support and for being my friend! xoxo