PTSD and Trauma recovery

[candy_coated_bitch]

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic

Thank you! CCB! My therapist thinks I might want to change churches. I'm not really religious and I go to Unity, which is a woo church which focuses on all humanity being ONE and connected, which I believe. Its been so helpful to me since Yvette died. She took me there before she died, so its a connection to her in a way. I think I will try this Sunday and see what happens. If this does not work, there is a Unitarian church close to me, or maybe I just need to go back to Adult Children of Alcoholics? Who knows.

Super creepy to be in dungeon with anyone who has been abusive to you. I would also question motives. Maybe he will behave and not interact, though I think the damage is done just saying he will be there. UGH.

Best to you tonight! Will keep you in my thoughts.

I am exhausted this week from worrying. Are you?

I hope we all have a peaceful Friday! xoxoxoxoxxo

Good luck with church!!! I was wondering if you might think about changing. I think do whatever you need to do. Obviously. But let me know what you decide and how it goes and all that. I kinda hope you get to stay at your current church because it seems to mean a lot to you, but please don't do it at the expense of your sanity.

Yes, seeing one's abuser in a dungeon is REALLY a scary thought I can tell you from experience. I thought about not going. I'm going to go though to not him win. I don't think I'm going to do my scene as planned though. He's totally destroyed my tough, Domme energy. Which makes me feel like shit. I'm eating myself up.

I am so exhausted from this week I went back to bed and slept till one today lol.

I will keep you in my thoughts this weekend as well.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by candy_coated_bitch

Good luck with church!!! I was wondering if you might think about changing. I think do whatever you need to do. Obviously. But let me know what you decide and how it goes and all that. I kinda hope you get to stay at your current church because it seems to mean a lot to you, but please don't do it at the expense of your sanity.

Yes, seeing one's abuser in a dungeon is REALLY a scary thought I can tell you from experience. I thought about not going. I'm going to go though to not him win. I don't think I'm going to do my scene as planned though. He's totally destroyed my tough, Domme energy. Which makes me feel like shit. I'm eating myself up.

I am so exhausted from this week I went back to bed and slept till one today lol.

I will keep you in my thoughts this weekend as well.

Hey CCB! Stopping by to see how it went last night. Thought about you all evening. I totally understand about eating ones self up and how exhausting it is.

I am planning on church tomorrow. A friend who has not been in a while is going to sit with me, she is nervous too. So I will be excited to see her! The church does mean a lot to me, but if I am hysterically crying when I leave, I will need to rethink.

I hope you are well and get some rest today. xoxoxoxxo

[candy_coated_bitch]

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic

Hey CCB! Stopping by to see how it went last night. Thought about you all evening. I totally understand about eating ones self up and how exhausting it is.

I am planning on church tomorrow. A friend who has not been in a while is going to sit with me, she is nervous too. So I will be excited to see her! The church does mean a lot to me, but if I am hysterically crying when I leave, I will need to rethink.

I hope you are well and get some rest today. xoxoxoxxo

I did go to the dungeon last night. It turned out great! The way the dungeon is set up there's two separate lounges with the main play space between them. I stayed in the middle lounge and he was smart enough to stay in the back. If I needed food or drink I had a submissive fetch it for me because the kitchen is back there too.

I didn't do my scene as originally planned but I had fun just cuddling and hanging out with my new play partner, and we had a group playing kinky Jenga at one point. I just ignored him and did my own thing and it worked out. I got into a "fuck him" mindset and I felt protected by my friends.

I'm glad you have a friend to sit with you in church. I hope it goes ok!!! Yes, if you come out of church crying hysterically it is definitely not worth it. You have to feel safe even if it, sadly, means removing yourself from that church. I will be thinking of you too and sending you good energies for tomorrow!

[dark_crystal]

My eating disorder has been active the last couple of weeks. I had a couple of doctor appointments and i did not follow the protocol of turning my back to the scale while getting weighed.

(i know there is an ED thread but my ED is how my PTSD likes to manifest)

The number was far higher than i could handle. Since then i have been tempted daily to download the calorie counting app to my phone and "get the situation under control."

Also i didn't have a secretary for almost 2 months, so i was having to do my own catering orders, and the process of polling everyone for their box lunch preferences was too much, bc i hate talking about food with people. When it came time to proof the final order i came very close to just not doing it and approving it w/o looking. I forced myself to check it finally and there was an error on my boss's order.

ALSO we had a "benefits fair" at work when wellness-type vendors can come and set up booths. I could not read the sign on a table and approached too close and the vendor started trying to sell me weight-loss coaching and low-calorie snack bars, even though the dress i was wearing was showing all the bones in my decolletage. I left the building.

Anyway, yesterday morning i could not stand it and finally weighed myself and the number was my very favorite number.

Now Mr. Jenny is worried about THAT, and immediately cooked pancakes for breakfast-- and although I feel better, i still want to download the calorie counter app.

Also i am not looking forward to therapy on Thursday, as my therapist has already recommended a month in outpatient treatment-- and refusing that along with my continued refusal to take SSRIs is making me seem difficult.

Its the ED that won't let me take SSRIs. Even if they didn't cause weight gain, they cause constipation and that is super-triggering. I convinced the Dr. to just let me have Ativans instead, for rescue when situations get bad, but i won't take those either bc of the constipation. I've had the same bottle of 30 pills since April.

[candy_coated_bitch]

(((((dark_crystal/)))) What you're going through sounds really difficult. Lots of triggery things around. I can understand why things would be aggravated right now. I don't have a lot of ED experience so I don't have a lot of advice, just a sympathetic ear.

Would the outpatient program be ED specific? I've done outpatient mental health programs and have found them helpful, fwiw.

I'm sorry your therapy feels like a stressor rather than helpful.

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by candy_coated_bitch

(((((dark_crystal/)))) What you're going through sounds really difficult. Lots of triggery things around. I can understand why things would be aggravated right now. I don't have a lot of ED experience so I don't have a lot of advice, just a sympathetic ear.

Would the outpatient program be ED specific? I've done outpatient mental health programs and have found them helpful, fwiw.

I'm sorry your therapy feels like a stressor rather than helpful.

Thanks, CCB <3

The program she recommended was not for ED, she said i would be doing intense work on boundaries?

I just...i went to inpatient when i was 17 and it was hugely disruptive and not terribly beneficial. Times have changed since 1987, and outpatient would not have quite that same level of disruption, but it would have some.

Also there is the other whole project of me trying to change jobs. That is also a strong recommendation bc I get re-traumatized every month just by attending Board Meeting.

I do have a month's worth of sick days that i could spend on outpatient, but if i don't use them i will get them back in cash if i leave. That extra cash is what is going to make it possible for me to survive the massive pay cut that is looking pretty inevitable.

[candy_coated_bitch]

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

Thanks, CCB <3

The program she recommended was not for ED, she said i would be doing intense work on boundaries?

I just...i went to inpatient when i was 17 and it was hugely disruptive and not terribly beneficial. Times have changed since 1987, and outpatient would not have quite that same level of disruption, but it would have some.

Also there is the other whole project of me trying to change jobs. That is also a strong recommendation bc I get re-traumatized every month just by attending Board Meeting.

I do have a month's worth of sick days that i could spend on outpatient, but if i don't use them i will get them back in cash if i leave. That extra cash is what is going to make it possible for me to survive the massive pay cut that is looking pretty inevitable.

The program your therapist recommended was probably similar to outpatient stints I've done. I've had some wonderful experiences and while I went in grumpy and skeptical, I learned a lot of good coping skills. Including boundary setting.

I do understand your reluctance to go though. It DOES disrupt your whole life for a while and is s huge commitment. Also can be hit or miss with how you vibe with the program. The money is also a for real concern.

Just make whatever decisions are right for you. I'm sorry you get re-traumatized by going into the monthly board meetings. Not a good job environment. I wish you all the success in finding something new that doesn't trigger you!!

*hugs if welcomed*

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

My eating disorder has been active the last couple of weeks. I had a couple of doctor appointments and i did not follow the protocol of turning my back to the scale while getting weighed.

(i know there is an ED thread but my ED is how my PTSD likes to manifest)

The number was far higher than i could handle. Since then i have been tempted daily to download the calorie counting app to my phone and "get the situation under control."

Also i didn't have a secretary for almost 2 months, so i was having to do my own catering orders, and the process of polling everyone for their box lunch preferences was too much, bc i hate talking about food with people. When it came time to proof the final order i came very close to just not doing it and approving it w/o looking. I forced myself to check it finally and there was an error on my boss's order.

ALSO we had a "benefits fair" at work when wellness-type vendors can come and set up booths. I could not read the sign on a table and approached too close and the vendor started trying to sell me weight-loss coaching and low-calorie snack bars, even though the dress i was wearing was showing all the bones in my decolletage. I left the building.

Anyway, yesterday morning i could not stand it and finally weighed myself and the number was my very favorite number.

Now Mr. Jenny is worried about THAT, and immediately cooked pancakes for breakfast-- and although I feel better, i still want to download the calorie counter app.

Also i am not looking forward to therapy on Thursday, as my therapist has already recommended a month in outpatient treatment-- and refusing that along with my continued refusal to take SSRIs is making me seem difficult.

Its the ED that won't let me take SSRIs. Even if they didn't cause weight gain, they cause constipation and that is super-triggering. I convinced the Dr. to just let me have Ativans instead, for rescue when situations get bad, but i won't take those either bc of the constipation. I've had the same bottle of 30 pills since April.

I am so sorry you are going through this. While my eating problems lie on the opposite end of the spectrum, I can relate. It is especially difficult when one's PTSD is continuously triggered at work.

I have tried at different times to do inpatient and outpatient, but for whatever reason, no matter how crazed I felt, including psychotic breaks, I did not give that appearance to the people in charge of who gets help. And insurance....

Sending light and love your way, I hope things calm for you.

Sending love and light your way!!

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by candy_coated_bitch

I did go to the dungeon last night. It turned out great! The way the dungeon is set up there's two separate lounges with the main play space between them. I stayed in the middle lounge and he was smart enough to stay in the back. If I needed food or drink I had a submissive fetch it for me because the kitchen is back there too.

I didn't do my scene as originally planned but I had fun just cuddling and hanging out with my new play partner, and we had a group playing kinky Jenga at one point. I just ignored him and did my own thing and it worked out. I got into a "fuck him" mindset and I felt protected by my friends.

I'm glad you have a friend to sit with you in church. I hope it goes ok!!! Yes, if you come out of church crying hysterically it is definitely not worth it. You have to feel safe even if it, sadly, means removing yourself from that church. I will be thinking of you too and sending you good energies for tomorrow!

I could not bring myself to go....But, good news. I think he has been asked to leave the church and has gone. I sure hope so!

So glad you are OK and Dungeon went well!

[candy_coated_bitch]

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic

I could not bring myself to go....But, good news. I think he has been asked to leave the church and has gone. I sure hope so!

So glad you are OK and Dungeon went well!

I will be sooooo glad if that guy leaves the church!!!! He needs to after what he did. Keep us posted. Sorry you didn't make it this week but it's totally understandable.

I am at my therapist's about to do some EMDR on a REALLY traumatic memory and I'm nervous. I feel strong today but it's still gonna be hard and draining. I will let you all k ow how it goes.

[candy_coated_bitch]

I did my EMDR yesterday. I'm feeling exhausted and a little unsteady, which is normal. My therapist said I might be up and down for a couple days before I notice some positive effects of the EMDR. I've only done it once before this and I found that to be the case.

I'm trying to ground and use visualizations if my safe place to get through. It's helping. I'm going to do some painting as well. That session was fucking INTENSE. I didn't sleep well last night and I'm still tired. But. I get to see my baby niece today and I'm staying overnight so I will get lots of soothing girl time.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by candy_coated_bitch

I did my EMDR yesterday. I'm feeling exhausted and a little unsteady, which is normal. My therapist said I might be up and down for a couple days before I notice some positive effects of the EMDR. I've only done it once before this and I found that to be the case.

I'm trying to ground and use visualizations if my safe place to get through. It's helping. I'm going to do some painting as well. That session was fucking INTENSE. I didn't sleep well last night and I'm still tired. But. I get to see my baby niece today and I'm staying overnight so I will get lots of soothing girl time.

I have found EMDR very helpful, but yes, it does take everything out of me. I have to schedule it at the end of the day. Over time though, when I look back at the traumas I have had EMDR around, I can really tell that my memories are more smoothed out and blurred at the edges. Brain spotting is also very helpful. Have you had that? Its more for if you don't know what exactly is activating your PTSD. EMDR seems more event specific. I have found them both really useful.

I am glad that you went and I hope this gives you the relief you need. I am so thankful for these therapies that can help us function in the world.

Therapist has something new to try next time I go. I used to have this anger inside I could call on when I needed it. and its just gone now. Then dud groped me, I froze and my throat closed up. What the Hell? I used to be tough as nails and now I freaking freeze. Where is that girl? Where is Helga the Prison Guard? (my former nickname at work by my employees) I don't know where she is. We are going to try to find her.

From what I have been told, groper man is not longer at church and they are supposed to have a meeting after church this Sunday to discuss changes in personnel. So I plan to go and see what happens. I have good support I can sit with. I really hope I can get back to it being a safe place for me.

OK, and on the subject of safe places...it just seems daunting and impossible to remove PTSD trigger occurrences. As well as I try to be.

Anyways, love to all of you!