[Nat]

all my words come back to me in shades of mediocrity

it's more than easy at this time of night, alone with one's thoughts and memories, to take out the critical carving knives and slice up one's past actions and words, recent past to ancient past.

unforgiveness is the kind of thing that keeps slicing.

there once lived a person whom I could forgive no matter what. i met him back before I understood the pitfalls of adult love. on the days when I believe in reincarnation, I imagine I was his mother in a past life. Josh, the first person outside my family whom I loved, and I did love him dearly. I still love him dearly. When I'm old, if I make it to "old," I will still love him dearly. He still visits in dreams. He died this last May in a car wreck. Today is his 33rd birthday.

All week I have been so troubled about him. Just really feeling the loss. Every September I think of him. my one greatest failing and the biggest tragedy in my life was that I did not somehow divert him from his trajectory, that as a teen I didn't have the will, the power, the right words or actions to prevent or stop the violence in his life. I have already said most of what I need to say regarding him - here and elsewhere. Happy birthday to Josh, to the 14-15 year old Josh who has never grown up in my heart. In some other reality he could have lived an entirely different life. He could still be breathing. But that's not the way it happened, and it's hard sometimes to accept the unnegotiable reality of death.

He was the only person I was infinitely capable of forgiving. I never gave that to anybody else, least of all myself. and I made the mistake, repeatedly, of holding other lovers and friends accountable for the pain I have carried all my life. And for that, I have mountains of regrets and sad memories. On this imagined shore, I'm tossing bottles far out into the waves. Bottles of contrition, bottles of regret, bottles of forgiveness, bottles of kinder goodbyes, bottles of thanks. To all the people who ever hurt me. To all the people I ever hurt. Especially to the ones who have been on both the giving and receiving ends of hurt when it comes to me.