[Canela]

My little friend Ashley...(I hadn't seen for awhile since my brother and her sister don't see each other anymore...several years actually...)

My dad texted me out of the blue tonight to let me know that she OD'd and passed away yesterday. It hit me like a ton of bricks.

How? She was only 14...my daughter told me she hung out with the goth/emo kids and that she was a cutter...OMG, didn't anyone see? Didn't anyone try to help her, reach her?

They moved. Her sister and my brother have two little girls together...my nieces...but the family was bitter about the break up...so we don't ever see them. They preferred we just didn't.

Now Ashley is gone. And I am so pissed that she was just a little girl and that family is so screwed up that they didn't try anything and everything to reach her. I mean wth?

My kids mean everything to me. Everything. My daughters are 24 and 17. Ask anyone that knows me, I am a mother first, a woman second. My kids MUST come first because I chose to have them. They're here, it is my responsibility to raise them, nurture them, guide them, support them (to a degree), figure out what the heck is wrong with them when they won't tell me...I can't just sit idly by and think it'll work itself out...the world isn't like it used to be when I was a kid...this world now is scary as heck...and the only thing I can offer my kids IMO (let me add that in case someone wants to jump on me for something I've said here) IMO is to watch them...help them, talk to them, love them even when I think they're unlovable sometimes and they drive me to the brink...cuz if I don't--someone else will...and that devil never sleeps.

I am so mad right now. Mad at myself for not knowing, but I know I can't help EVERYBODY...much as I'd like to, especially the youth...mad at her parents for not reaching her...mad at my family for not reaching out to her...mad at the world for making it possible for this precious kiddo to think that there was no hope for her that she had no alternative but to die. Mad at myself for not knowing that she needed help.

Next project--youth center specializing in youth counseling/peer counseling. Faith based, you bet. I'll be damned if we are losing one more kid out here to depression and suicide, not to mention drugs. I've had enough. Not on my watch.

UGH!