PTSD and Trauma recovery

[Canela]

My little friend Ashley...(I hadn't seen for awhile since my brother and her sister don't see each other anymore...several years actually...)

My dad texted me out of the blue tonight to let me know that she OD'd and passed away yesterday. It hit me like a ton of bricks.

How? She was only 14...my daughter told me she hung out with the goth/emo kids and that she was a cutter...OMG, didn't anyone see? Didn't anyone try to help her, reach her?

They moved. Her sister and my brother have two little girls together...my nieces...but the family was bitter about the break up...so we don't ever see them. They preferred we just didn't.

Now Ashley is gone. And I am so pissed that she was just a little girl and that family is so screwed up that they didn't try anything and everything to reach her. I mean wth?

My kids mean everything to me. Everything. My daughters are 24 and 17. Ask anyone that knows me, I am a mother first, a woman second. My kids MUST come first because I chose to have them. They're here, it is my responsibility to raise them, nurture them, guide them, support them (to a degree), figure out what the heck is wrong with them when they won't tell me...I can't just sit idly by and think it'll work itself out...the world isn't like it used to be when I was a kid...this world now is scary as heck...and the only thing I can offer my kids IMO (let me add that in case someone wants to jump on me for something I've said here) IMO is to watch them...help them, talk to them, love them even when I think they're unlovable sometimes and they drive me to the brink...cuz if I don't--someone else will...and that devil never sleeps.

I am so mad right now. Mad at myself for not knowing, but I know I can't help EVERYBODY...much as I'd like to, especially the youth...mad at her parents for not reaching her...mad at my family for not reaching out to her...mad at the world for making it possible for this precious kiddo to think that there was no hope for her that she had no alternative but to die. Mad at myself for not knowing that she needed help.

Next project--youth center specializing in youth counseling/peer counseling. Faith based, you bet. I'll be damned if we are losing one more kid out here to depression and suicide, not to mention drugs. I've had enough. Not on my watch.

UGH!

[tuffboi29]

I have an assignment and I have been dragging my feet all damn day.My therapist says that posting in here has helped me a lot.That maybe I should use it as a tool to help me overcome my obstacles.Part of my recovery revolves around my son. A large chunk involves me coping with losing him.

The flashbacks are bad today, but I'll give it a try.


Today was my son's due date.

My Libra baby.

He never had the chance to take his first breath.

His tiny life snuffed out in violence.

I've learned to forgive those involved in my son's death.

I don't think I've ever forgiven myself.

[Jet]

Originally Posted by tuffboi29

I have an assignment and I have been dragging my feet all damn day.My therapist says that posting in here has helped me a lot.That maybe I should use it as a tool to help me overcome my obstacles.Part of my recovery revolves around my son. A large chunk involves me coping with losing him.

The flashbacks are bad today, but I'll give it a try.


Today was my son's due date.

My Libra baby.

He never had the chance to take his first breath.

His tiny life snuffed out in violence.

I've learned to forgive those involved in my son's death.

I don't think I've ever forgiven myself.

it will get better.

[friskyfemme]

Originally Posted by tuffboi29

I have an assignment and I have been dragging my feet all damn day.My therapist says that posting in here has helped me a lot.That maybe I should use it as a tool to help me overcome my obstacles.Part of my recovery revolves around my son. A large chunk involves me coping with losing him.

The flashbacks are bad today, but I'll give it a try.


Today was my son's due date.

My Libra baby.

He never had the chance to take his first breath.

His tiny life snuffed out in violence.

I've learned to forgive those involved in my son's death.

I don't think I've ever forgiven myself.

Wrapping you in loving energy. I think most of us find it hard to forgive ourselves. gving However, forgiving and forgetting are two different things. You don't have to forget what you've suffered and are suffering now, forgiving is only about releasing the emotional energy surrounding the tragedy. Blessings to you.

[Jet]

I want to thank everyone who recognizes my posts with your thanks. I think its important to share anything that may help each of us—even if its relaying the fact that you even have PTSD. I've mentioned before that PTSD for me is Post Traumatic Shock Disorder. That's not official; I was diagnosed with stress disorder but it does come from a severe shock to my system.

The nature and degree of my condition was severe and so to overcome this is an ever greater challenge. It involves memories, excessive fear, and reliving much of the ordeal daily for me. A lot has left my system and each day I'm on a more even keel. One of the things that I did for myself is everything I could to lead a normal existence daily even being as consumed with shock and neuro-physiological damage.

There were hundreds of days that I lived hour to hour—even minute to minute totally comnsumed in shock. Once I commited to face my ordeal, I began to "normalize" my daily life. Healthy eating, sleep, taking care of small things until they became larger things. Keeping my home clean, my things washed—eventually exercising, and I picked up old hobbies, or things I had always enjoyed before things happened. And there were many times that these were a struggle to do.

The most important thing I did was to stay out of isolation. People have been very good to me, talking many hours and keeping me company on the phone many a night. I will never forget them for the endless hours they kept with me without complaint. You really find out who your friends are.

I made my environment comfortable and as "safe feeling" as possible. I can't stress how important it is to do everything to "normalize" your surroundings
and nurture yourself.

For me, meds didn't work. They help with anxiety but I could never "medicate it away" as my doctor tried to do. I lost out and my life spiraled out of control—even losing jobs—because I was so medicated.

Relieving my PTSD is about letting out pent up fear and shock and garbage that I have internalized for so many years. I'm going give myself a lot of credit here because I could have easily turned to alcohol and drugs—even suicide.

So...
stay strong and connected, normalize and be really good to yourselves. I hope everyone is doing okay.

[Miss Scarlett]

Originally Posted by tuffboi29

I have an assignment and I have been dragging my feet all damn day.My therapist says that posting in here has helped me a lot.That maybe I should use it as a tool to help me overcome my obstacles.Part of my recovery revolves around my son. A large chunk involves me coping with losing him.

The flashbacks are bad today, but I'll give it a try.


Today was my son's due date.

My Libra baby.

He never had the chance to take his first breath.

His tiny life snuffed out in violence.

I've learned to forgive those involved in my son's death.

I don't think I've ever forgiven myself.

(((((tuffboi29))))) I understand because I have been there too. Losing my children to violence in each pregnancy; the last time left me near death and unable to get pregnant ever again.

Not sure how long it has been for you - for me it has been about 30 years. Like you I have forgiven the person responsible (their father) but never myself. My counselor is helping me through this. I'm no longer afraid of the flashbacks and now face them head on. I will win.

Jet is right, it does get better. It takes time and you are so worth it.

[Jet]

Originally Posted by Miss Scarlett

(((((tuffboi29))))) I understand because I have been there too. Losing my children to violence in each pregnancy; the last time left me near death and unable to get pregnant ever again.

Not sure how long it has been for you - for me it has been about 30 years. Like you I have forgiven the person responsible (their father) but never myself. My counselor is helping me through this. I'm no longer afraid of the flashbacks and now face them head on. I will win.

Jet is right, it does get better. It takes time and you are so worth it.

((((((((((((Miss Scarlett))))))))))))

How dare any fucking scum bag hurt you!
Me thinks you're not at all guilty. We're here for you and tuffboi.

[Apocalipstic]

So much loss and pain, yet we prevail.

I read this week about the soldiers arriving back from Iraq and Afghanistan with PTSD and how many of them just can't assimilate back into their lives and end up on the street. Made me think of how lucky we all are to be alive and have homes and lives.

Jet, what you said about making things as normal as possible is so helpful. Thank you!

My heart goes out to all of us!

It does get better!

[Jet]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

So much loss and pain, yet we prevail.

I read this week about the soldiers arriving back from Iraq and Afghanistan with PTSD and how many of them just can't assimilate back into their lives and end up on the street. Made me think of how lucky we all are to be alive and have homes and lives.

Jet, what you said about making things as normal as possible is so helpful. Thank you!

My heart goes out to all of us!

It does get better!

Your welcome. I dont know about anyone else, but comfort and "normalizing" daily life is imperative when you feel like climbing the walls or out of your skin from being traumatized. I'm a big proponent of self-nurturing because no one else will do it for us.

[Miss Scarlett]

Originally Posted by Jet

Your welcome. I dont know about anyone else, but comfort and "normalizing" daily life is imperative when you feel like climbing the walls or out of your skin from being traumatized. I'm a big proponent of self-nurturing because no one else will do it for us.

I could not have said this better myself. My counselor constantly reminds me about self-nurturing. While hiding in the safety of taking care of everyone else my self-neglect only made things worse for me. I developed a false sense of security that led to, among other things, insomnia, night terrors and some terrible personal choices. The worst of these have not reared their respective ugly heads for a very long time and I credit the "normalizing" Jet speaks of for this. Learning to to recognize and pay attention to the triggers is very important too. I was surprised to learn that some of my triggers were very subtle.

[Jet]

This is a week of sleeplessness. I'm out of meds but they're on their way. The other thing about "normalizing" is keeping a schedule and maintaining sound sleep. I'm exhausted and old trauma things are recurring a bit. But part of it is not seeing clearly because of fatigue. Don't let this happen to you. I'm not mind racing but I am experiencing a phenomenon of short and long term memories—hundreds of them non stop throughout the day and night. I can tell you what belt I wore with what pants in high school; colors, things people said or did, objects, places, music, friends I haven't seen in years—everything is coming back in vivid detail. I've never experienced anything like this. Things are flying out of my subconscious. And it's as though I'm being restored after living shattered for so many years. There's nothing disturbing or frightening—its just exhausting to go through.

[Apocalipstic]

I have been sick and am on Steroids, which really make my mind race too. I keep wondering of I am out of control and my focus is off.

I totally get what you are saying about sleep Jet, if I don't get sleep I am a mess. Even travel to a way different time zone is difficult. It takes me days to get over it.

I kind of feel like a wuss being so easily thrown off my game. Ehhh.

We had a yard sale over the weekend, went through boxes and boxes of memories. Wonderful friends came and helped me though it, or I don't know if it would have happened.

I wish everyone a peaceful evening! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

[Jet]

Good dinner, exhausted tonight and I'm watching Chinatown which is a favorite movie of mine. I hope I can sleep. Everyone have a good night.