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Originally Posted by apocalipstic
I get what you are saying about the support group. I went to one for PTSD back in the 80's and I remember sitting there wondering how some of the people let things get that bad...that sometimes you do have to pick up and walk into the fire and deal with your every day life, no matter what your fears are. I made some of the other members angry becasue I looked put together and had a job, no matter what was inside my head.
I do wonder if I talked to someone who gave her child away that I am not related to could make me understand how giving away a person seemed like the best plan. Cynthia tells me how things are in a small town, that I don't understand the pressure, that people lose business if their kid has an illegitimate child, that the child is marked for life and fo forth and all that makes me think is how much people SUCK.
I think I do undetstand in a way, growing up in the nest of the Southern Baptist with my parents as missionaries, always on stage....how much pressure there could be. But what makes the difference between a young mother who keeps her kid and one who gives her kid away?
What makes the difference between someone who goes ahead and uses birth control and one who doesn't. Yes, I get that it's easy for me to say that since I sleep with women.
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Jen -
I totally hear what you are saying in regard to the objectivity of an uninvolved third party with a similar experience. If my birth mother was more open, I would have us all meet for lunch or something; alas, in the 16 years I have known her, we have had ONE conversation about her giving me up. One.
Most of my information has come from my sister. Apparently, it was a decision that was made FOR her as she was 17.
In my resolution process, I always remembered a couple of things that I think are relevant even to your situation.
1970 was a different time (the year I was born). Choices for women in regard to their bodies and decisions were very limited. Even more so in the 60's when you were born. Educational opportunities were very limited. Most women who attended college were majoring in BM degrees - Before Marriage. Abortion wasn't legal until 1973 so access to the backalley abortions was not just expensive, it required a great amount of strength in overcoming the fears.
Birth control options were even more limited. The modern birth control pill wasn't introduced until 1960 and even then, most physicians wouldn't prescribe it unless the woman's husband agreed. If a husband said no, she had no choice. My motherinlaw's physician wanted to perform a hysterectomy for her after my brotherinlaw was born in the late 60's for her health. Jess's father would not give his "permission" and she was left with no choice but to have her health compromised.
Women weren't nearly as empowered as we are today. We have endless opportunities for us, even if its still that we work harder for less money and hope we dont land in a place with a glass ceiling. We have proven that we are independent, intelligent, singularly sensational entities without being in the "protective mantle of males." We have choices.
My maternal grandfather was a deacon in a southern baptist church. He was also a prominent businessman in Memphis. The shame of his daughter being pregnant out of wedlock was just not acceptable. She was sent to live with my great-aunt in Florida. Aunt Mary could not have children and begged and pleaded with B to give me to her. B was so very distraught she called her father every day to please let her come home. He finally relented and brought her back to Memphis and placed her in the Baptist Unwed Mothers Home.
What she endured there must have been unimaginable. To this day, she will drive 30 mins out of the way to even avoid driving down the same street as the Home. She has never spoken of her experience there; but she doesn't have to - its apparent enough to me.
Being forced to give me up certainly qualifies her in my mind as a PTSD candidate. It was so traumatic for her, she literally could not remember my birthdate - she knew it was one of three days.
She hasn't ever really dealt with her own issues surrounding my adoption. She probably never will. My only wish is that she has peace about it and knows that I hold no ill will towards her.
Most of you know that I have a 16 yr old son. When I found myself an "unwed mother" at 22 (that in itself is another thread on "issues" unto itself! LOL) I was faced with my choices... I could abort... I could give the baby up for adoption or I could keep him and make it work. I had options - options I feel that a lot of birth mothers never have. I made the decision I could best live with and never looked back.
Today, Bratboy's favorite game is to see just how quickly he can annoy the hell out of me with, "Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom.Mom.Mom.Mom," all the while tapping me on the arm... I think he times it.
Would he have been better off with a two parent home of lovely heterosexual parents who didn't have to work 60hr weeks when he was an infant just to keep him in diapers and formula? Maybe. I would like to think that I have given him as good, if not a better life than that imaginary couple could have. I dunno... but I do know that I wouldn't nearly be the person I am today.
I like to think that my birth mother made the decision she could best live with - given that she really didnt have a decision in it, I like to give her that power in my head... and to think that if she had been of my generation, she would have had the empowerment to believe she could have made a life for me.
Just my take on what it might have been like to try and be in their shoes.
Christie