Quote:
Originally Posted by Gemme
why start if you've stopped already?
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I started and stopped hundreds of times, half-hearted attempts coupled with whole-hearted attempts, often cheating, having just one or two, going weeks in between and feeling GOOD about the effort AND feeling like I had really QUIT SMOKING. :/ This last time has been this exception, I quit, I was ready, I had a plan, I was brave, I had what it took and it was so much more than simply battling the addiction to nicotine or any symptoms of withdrawal. This has been the longest I have ever been smoke free in the last 22 years.
When I would try to quit, I would never get very cranky or agitated, I would get sad, cigarettes were my best friend, the only constant in my life, no matter what, I could rely on them.
Quitting meant losing my best friend. Losing your best friend isn't easy. Trying to figure out another way to comfort yourself while struggling through that loss isn't easy either.
Without cigarettes, I found myself vulnerable and struggling to put some kind of buffer, some kind "keep off" or "stay away" sign...between me and the world. Essentially, without cigarettes, I was little, little girls didn't smoke. In my mind, only big, strong, tough, grown ass people smoked...with cigarettes, I was the latter, without them, the former. Without cigarettes, I was afraid that the those feelings of being small would predominate my life and my ten year old self would suddenly show up at a board meeting.
Thankfully, that didn't happen...I mourned the loss of my best friend, I thanked my smokes for being around, but just explained to my menthol lover, that we were just in different places right now. Long story short, it wasn't her, it was me. I couldn't have her in my life anymore, she was making me sick and keeping me small. Would I keep a real live person in my life that kept me from growing or made me sick? Nope...so out went the 20 friends I kept close to my heart an in my pocket. I know that if I choose to pick back up, they will always be there, but I may not need them like I did before...I still have cravings, sometimes every day and..........they pass.
Smoking, the allure and the associations were both strangely attractive and comforting. I loved the pack, I loved the feel in my hands, I loved th sound of the plastic and of packing them, I loved the ritual of it all AND I loved the smell. It reminded me of my grandfather, riding in the car with him, the cabin and fishing.
I sat with my family at his bedside, for the last three days of his life, holding vigil as he died of mesothelioma, a small cell lung cancer. Through that process, we took care of him and we took care of each other by making sure that we took turns giving each other a break from his bedside to have a cigarette. He died in his own bed, surrounded by his wife of 50 years and the 7 children they raised. He was the best thing that ever happened to me. He was my hero and the first thing that I did after he died was go outside for a smoke and I continued to smoke for years.
I don't believe in scare tactics. WhyQuit.com can save their graphic photos. I drove and walked and sat and cleaned and kept cancer company until I watched and listened to it suffocate the truest love I had ever known. That didn't stop me, I stood up from his bedside, said my goodbyes and walked outside, I had a friend out there, she knew what I needed, she was always available and didn't need much in return. She never left me feeling alone or needy, unless we were apart, so I smoked and smoked and smoked and smoked and smoked, until one day, I didn't anymore, when I was ready and on my terms.
Just my story, from my me place, for whatever it's worth.