To smoke or not to smoke?

[Outlaw]

Originally Posted by Gemme

why start if you've stopped already?

I started and stopped hundreds of times, half-hearted attempts coupled with whole-hearted attempts, often cheating, having just one or two, going weeks in between and feeling GOOD about the effort AND feeling like I had really QUIT SMOKING. :/ This last time has been this exception, I quit, I was ready, I had a plan, I was brave, I had what it took and it was so much more than simply battling the addiction to nicotine or any symptoms of withdrawal. This has been the longest I have ever been smoke free in the last 22 years.

When I would try to quit, I would never get very cranky or agitated, I would get sad, cigarettes were my best friend, the only constant in my life, no matter what, I could rely on them.

Quitting meant losing my best friend. Losing your best friend isn't easy. Trying to figure out another way to comfort yourself while struggling through that loss isn't easy either.

Without cigarettes, I found myself vulnerable and struggling to put some kind of buffer, some kind "keep off" or "stay away" sign...between me and the world. Essentially, without cigarettes, I was little, little girls didn't smoke. In my mind, only big, strong, tough, grown ass people smoked...with cigarettes, I was the latter, without them, the former. Without cigarettes, I was afraid that the those feelings of being small would predominate my life and my ten year old self would suddenly show up at a board meeting.

Thankfully, that didn't happen...I mourned the loss of my best friend, I thanked my smokes for being around, but just explained to my menthol lover, that we were just in different places right now. Long story short, it wasn't her, it was me. I couldn't have her in my life anymore, she was making me sick and keeping me small. Would I keep a real live person in my life that kept me from growing or made me sick? Nope...so out went the 20 friends I kept close to my heart an in my pocket. I know that if I choose to pick back up, they will always be there, but I may not need them like I did before...I still have cravings, sometimes every day and..........they pass.

Smoking, the allure and the associations were both strangely attractive and comforting. I loved the pack, I loved the feel in my hands, I loved th sound of the plastic and of packing them, I loved the ritual of it all AND I loved the smell. It reminded me of my grandfather, riding in the car with him, the cabin and fishing.

I sat with my family at his bedside, for the last three days of his life, holding vigil as he died of mesothelioma, a small cell lung cancer. Through that process, we took care of him and we took care of each other by making sure that we took turns giving each other a break from his bedside to have a cigarette. He died in his own bed, surrounded by his wife of 50 years and the 7 children they raised. He was the best thing that ever happened to me. He was my hero and the first thing that I did after he died was go outside for a smoke and I continued to smoke for years.

I don't believe in scare tactics. WhyQuit.com can save their graphic photos. I drove and walked and sat and cleaned and kept cancer company until I watched and listened to it suffocate the truest love I had ever known. That didn't stop me, I stood up from his bedside, said my goodbyes and walked outside, I had a friend out there, she knew what I needed, she was always available and didn't need much in return. She never left me feeling alone or needy, unless we were apart, so I smoked and smoked and smoked and smoked and smoked, until one day, I didn't anymore, when I was ready and on my terms.

Just my story, from my me place, for whatever it's worth.

[Gayla]

Originally Posted by Outlaw

I don't believe in scare tactics. WhyQuit.com can save their graphic photos. I drove and walked and sat and cleaned and kept cancer company until I watched and listened to it suffocate the truest love I had ever known. That didn't stop me, I stood up from his bedside, said my goodbyes and walked outside, I had a friend out there, she knew what I needed, she was always available and didn't need much in return. She never left me feeling alone or needy, unless we were apart, so I smoked and smoked and smoked and smoked and smoked, until one day, I didn't anymore, when I was ready and on my terms.

For me, it was my mom, although smoking took both of my parents and my grandfather, it was my mom whom I took care of through the last 3 months of her struggle with lung cancer. I'd push her wheelchair into the chemo room, make sure she was settled and then go back downstairs and out front to smoke.

I've been smoking since I was 13. That's 31 years. Up until last January, the longest I had gone without one was a little more than 24 hours. I've had periods where I cut back, got down to a pack a week a few times but never actually quit. I've read the scare tactics. I've taken the guilt trips and listened to years of nagging. I've tried the patches and the gum and the medications. Nothing worked because I didn't really want to quit.

January 5, 2010, I had major surgery. It wasn't supposed to be as major as it turned out to be but my 1.5 hour procedure took more than 5 hours and during that time I managed to lose about a third of the blood in my body. When I came to in the PACU, I had six IV's, a damn Foley and was too weak to even lift my arm up to scratch my nose. I also lost my voice and couldn't speak above a whisper. But, my lungs were clear and I was breathing better than I had in years! They can't tell me for sure, but most of the complications were probably related to smoking.

Less than a month later, I was back to a pack a day.

I'm not ready to let go of my friend. I don't know who I am as a non-smoker and I'm not ready to find out yet. When the time is right, it will happen. Until then, I do not kid myself into thinking this is anything other than a choice. I do not justify it. I do not lie. I'm smoking because, today, I choose to, knowing, more than most, what the consequences really will be.

[Jet]

I quote smoking after 34 years. I was a hardened smoker and hated it. I hated being owned by it and I was certain I could never quit. But all it took was 3 weeks on patches. I was staying with my Aunt Louise and one night she called from work and asked if I wanted to go to the 5:00 Mass. So I showered and got ready and she came by to get me.

Once I got into church it hit me that I hadn't put on a patch after my shower. So I sat there for about 20 minutes with miserable cravings and my chest tightening. I made it through an hour of Mass and I asked if we could go home to get my patches.

She goes, "no, we're meeting everyone for dinner and we're late." Amazingly, once we got into dinner the addiction feelings left...for good. I never wore another patch after that night. I have no desire or need even during my most severe bouts with PTSD. In fact, quitting is one of my few accomplishments and one of the very few things I feel good about. I never tolerate anyone smoking cigs. I hate everything about it and I'll leave the table or move away through a crowd to get away from it. Thinks like that. I could be open to pipes but don't really see the need. I've been smoke-free for 4 years.

[DapperButch]

Outlaw and gayla, I really enjoyed reading both of your open and powerful posts.

Like Outlaw, for me, quitting smoking was a loss. A loss of a best friend. I too was sad and didn't have the agitation like symptoms others have when quitting.

gayla's post about not being ready to meet who she is as a non-smoker is spot on. For me, being a smoker was a part of my identity. So it wasn't only losing a friend, it was losing part of my identity somehow. Kind of strange.

Jet, you may not have had as hard of a time quitting as some others, as they have found there to be a nicotine "gene" just like one finds in alcoholics. You can still be addicted to nicotine and such without the gene, but it is harder to quit for one who has this gene.

Just to throw it out there for people who are considering quitting, Chantix is what worked for me. The patches and gum didn't do anything.

Some states will pay for Chantix if your insurance doesn't cover it.