[Medusa]

((Anya))

You have described something that rings so hard in my ears. My Mom did some very fucked up things around food that I think laid the groundwork for some of my "stuff" around eating.

I think when food is used as punishment or witheld as punishment, it sends a message to us that "we are not in control of what we eat" and some of us work for years to "prove" to ourselves that "yes, the fuck, we ARE in control" by overeating, binging, etc.

Here's one of my stories:

When I was 6, my Mom, 1-year-old brother and I all lived in this badass duplex in the inner city. It was Halloween and my Mom had one of those brassy-colored 3-tiered hanging baskets in the kitchen on the ceiling. I remember the bottom layer of it being full of those little baby candy bars that the "good" houses give out at Halloween.
Once I noticed it, I looked up at it and pointed and said "Mom, can I have one of those?"
Her reply is something I have never forgotten: "No, you are too fat to be eating candy. As a matter of fact, you shouldn't eat candy ever again or you'll blow up even fatter like a pig". And then she oinked.

No, I'm not kidding.

The adult me looks back on that moment and sometimes feels incredible sadness for that 6-year-old kid who wanted a fucking candy bar. But mostly I feel rage.
When my mother spoke those words to me, my 6-year-old self made a promise, if only in my head, that "when I get to be a big person, I'm going to eat all the candy I want!'

And for years I did.

I can recognize that turning point, that trigger point in my life where my "stuff" began to develop and up until I ran away at the age of 13, there were constant food struggles between my Mom and I.

She was always shaming and blaming for me eating too much or stealing food or wearing something that showed too much of my fat.

She often also sent mixed messages by doing things like buying diet soda for herself and forbidding me to drink any of them, instead giving me sugary kool-aid. Our dinners were also incredibly unhealthy, mostly consisting of fried foods, fast food, and random processed crap.

I hate admitting that those formative years had so much influence around how I relate to food today as a grown adult because I feel strong and in control and BALANCED! Except when I don't.
I have had to accept that I do have "stuff" around food that was handed to me at an early age and that, in order for me to be healthy, I have to relearn ALL of it.

Much love to all of us. <3