Healthy Weight Loss

[Medusa]

((Anya))

You have described something that rings so hard in my ears. My Mom did some very fucked up things around food that I think laid the groundwork for some of my "stuff" around eating.

I think when food is used as punishment or witheld as punishment, it sends a message to us that "we are not in control of what we eat" and some of us work for years to "prove" to ourselves that "yes, the fuck, we ARE in control" by overeating, binging, etc.

Here's one of my stories:

When I was 6, my Mom, 1-year-old brother and I all lived in this badass duplex in the inner city. It was Halloween and my Mom had one of those brassy-colored 3-tiered hanging baskets in the kitchen on the ceiling. I remember the bottom layer of it being full of those little baby candy bars that the "good" houses give out at Halloween.
Once I noticed it, I looked up at it and pointed and said "Mom, can I have one of those?"
Her reply is something I have never forgotten: "No, you are too fat to be eating candy. As a matter of fact, you shouldn't eat candy ever again or you'll blow up even fatter like a pig". And then she oinked.

No, I'm not kidding.

The adult me looks back on that moment and sometimes feels incredible sadness for that 6-year-old kid who wanted a fucking candy bar. But mostly I feel rage.
When my mother spoke those words to me, my 6-year-old self made a promise, if only in my head, that "when I get to be a big person, I'm going to eat all the candy I want!'

And for years I did.

I can recognize that turning point, that trigger point in my life where my "stuff" began to develop and up until I ran away at the age of 13, there were constant food struggles between my Mom and I.

She was always shaming and blaming for me eating too much or stealing food or wearing something that showed too much of my fat.

She often also sent mixed messages by doing things like buying diet soda for herself and forbidding me to drink any of them, instead giving me sugary kool-aid. Our dinners were also incredibly unhealthy, mostly consisting of fried foods, fast food, and random processed crap.

I hate admitting that those formative years had so much influence around how I relate to food today as a grown adult because I feel strong and in control and BALANCED! Except when I don't.
I have had to accept that I do have "stuff" around food that was handed to me at an early age and that, in order for me to be healthy, I have to relearn ALL of it.

Much love to all of us. <3

[Julie]

I have a hard time posting in here - I have discussed my weight issues with my friends and they say for me, it is an attention-getter.

Today I am an obese fat girl in a size 12. When I look at myself naked in the mirror, which I do every morning to remind myself, that I am fat. I see myself as a grotesquely obese woman. I have been much heavier than I am now - Sometimes I feel like I have to PROVE myself. Before I met Dreamer, I warned her that I was really fat. That I had body issues. To know and understand this NOW, before she saw me naked.

My father was the president of a fairly large couture house. I grew up with models in and out of our house. My Mother was a runway and a fitting model. I was a fat kid with a big belly and rotund cheeks. When I was 18 years old, I weighed 90+ lbs. I had starved myself to the point of being put in the hospital. I was taking my mothers Lasix and eating triple the amount of X-Lax a normal person would eat on a daily basis. Including forcing myself to vomit after every meal. I did this for years. I clearly suffered and still do from Anorexia.

When I was in the hospital, my organs were shutting down. I remember my dad saying to me. "Julie, why would you do this to yourself?" And I can remember clearly stating "I wanted to be beautiful for you."

He always used to say to me, "It is better to be rich than poor" and "It is better to be thin than fat." "If you have to choose between the two, be thin." "Nobody wants a fat girl!" I was sent to fat kid camps - put on weight watchers all by time I was 10 years old.

After I became healthy, he would have his factory make clothes for me and change the labeling of the size. So, if I was a size 8 - he would change it to a size 6. He thought he was saving me.

So, I am dieting right now (trying to be healthy about it) and not doing any of the old patterns I did. Though, I must say - For me, to not enter into anorexia and bulimia is difficult. It was not that long ago, I was still treating my body this way.

I want it to be okay to post in here - to say... YAY ME! I lost 2lbs. YAY ME! I am finally into that size 10, I want to be. I want it to be okay to say, I have 20lbs to lose and not be shunned.

Ya know?!? I don't want to be discriminated against, because my weight loss might not seem so great than another persons. I am tired apologizing for it.

I do read this space everyday and I am so proud of ALL of YOU!

Julie

[sweetfemme247]

I have a hard time with weight loss period.... when I was a kid i was the skinny little girl then when woman hood came I got hips and got heavy... I have struggled with my weight for years..

[Daywalker]

{{{{{{{{{{{Everyone}}}}}}}}}}}

[Nina]

one eating change which has been of value to me is to stop, what I call, "pre-eating"...you know, the 'tasting' and little nibbles here and there during the cooking and serving process...the last little bit on the serving spoon, all the times and ways we eat before even sitting down to a meal...it's hard for me, at times, since I am really bad at eating on time and often by the time I Do eat I am so starving I can't eat by the time food is ready...the 'pre-eating' is a temptation then though I have gotten better at resisting it...

before Gayla and I met I kept telling her I was a Big woman...she seemed nonplussed...I remember the day we were on the phone, I was driving to Rainbow and was sitting in the parking lot...for some reason the whole size thing took over and I pushed the conversation....I decided to just say Numbers...I told her my height and weight...and there was SILENCE...I remember saying/yelling 'say something, say something'...she said " we have really different ideas of what Big is"...the conversation continued from there...she said that I had mentioned, a number of times, that I was not small and seems like each time I did, she assumed I was bigger and bigger...it was a real eye opener to me...how we assume we have shared definitions of size...it made me realize that if I don't find find ways to to be realistic about size, about MY size, then any ways I change it I lose all the positive benefits...

I move in the world, these days, close to 100 pounds less than I did at one time...I hope by the end of the year to free myself of 15ish pounds...I have said this before, it remains true for me, I get nervous being smaller...I feel more visible and it does not feel safe...I liked it better when I was looked through, or not even noticed...I had more control that way...if I Wanted to be visible, I could choose to be, I can be personable when I want, but I could count on not being seen, for the most part...now it is not so easy to be invisible...people touch me a lot...they smile and want to talk, it can feel off putting for me...I am working on it...in the end I am happy to be lighter...lighter in the physical and lighter emotionally...it's all a process, I am thankful daily to be part of it...

(it has resulted in my son patting me on the head and saying things like "oh you're such a cute little mother")...he is a brave soul ;>)

thanks again for sharing your processes and journeys...thanks again for the kindness shared with strangers, with friends and thank-you for all the ways you are being kind to yourself...

[Thinker]

Originally Posted by Julie

I want it to be okay to post in here - to say... YAY ME! I lost 2lbs. YAY ME! I am finally into that size 10, I want to be. I want it to be okay to say, I have 20lbs to lose and not be shunned.

Ya know?!? I don't want to be discriminated against, because my weight loss might not seem so great than another persons. I am tired apologizing for it.

I do read this space everyday and I am so proud of ALL of YOU!

Julie

I worried about that at first, Julie, as my goal was to lose 24 pounds. In posting on FB, I have heard time and time again......."Whaaaaaaat??? I can't even imagine that you have any weight to lose!"

But I did.......and I still do.......and when I hit my goal weight (now 4.6 pounds away), I think I am going to shoot for another ten because now it feels do-able. The way I figure, this is a very personal journey for each and every one of us; we all have our own goals, and we all have our own reasons. And *that* is good enough.

What I have experienced *here*......in *this* thread......is ONLY support. No one *here* has questioned me. Not once have I felt dismissed. Everyone here gets that this is important to me, and that's all they needed to know.

So welcome to the thread and don't spend another second thinking that anyone here will think your journey is not as important as theirs.

[PinkieLee]

First of all, I just want to say THANK YOU to everyone that has shared such intimate, honest stories from their life. Catching glimpses into your soul and connecting with your words and seeing my own life in yours... it's humbling, and I'm very grateful to be able to share this space with you.

[sweetfemme247]

I love you pinkie, You are such a sweet, funny and amazing woman, when I read your post's it makes me want to know you better..

[PinkieLee]

Originally Posted by sweetfemme247

I love you pinkie, You are such a sweet, funny and amazing woman, when I read your post's it makes me want to know you better..

What a sweet compliment my friend... thank you!

I think that this journey that we are all on, is helping build the bridge of friendship for many of us... you included honey I look forward to getting to know you better, too.

[Medusa]

Nina hit on something that I often get very pissy about.

I think that as a fat person I have a certain level of invisibility. I know it's hard to imagine that a woman who is hovering around 300lbs could have any visibility issues but I'll relay something that happens often.

Most recently, this happened in a sporting goods store. I was walking beside Jack and a group of teenagers ran right into me as if I wasn't even standing there. Sure, we can chalk that up to kids who had their head up their ass but it happens a LOT.

I'll be in Wal-Mart or the grocery store and people will often bump into me or come so close that I have to squeeze into something to keep from being hit. There have been many times when someone has let the door close in my face, or stood directly in my way as if they didn't see me.

I have gotten really pissed off about this and have caught myself looking incredulously at Jack and exclaming loud enough for the offending party to hear: "DAMN! AM I FUCKING INVISIBLE OR WHAT? DO PEOPLE NOT SEE ME STANDING HERE? HOW COULD SOMEONE JUST SLAM THEIR BUGGY INTO ME AS IF I DON'T EXIST?"

The truth is that, to some, I don't. I have long held that fat is just about the last bastion of acceptable discrimination in this world.
The last hold out for insensitivity.

When I walk in the store and people act as if they don't see me, sometimes I think it's because they really dont! Because maybe the fat lady who, in their minds, is a sexually-unviable sandwich-gobbling ogre isn't a real human being.

I dunno, maybe it's just me but was wondering if anyone else had this experience?

[sweetfemme247]

Originally Posted by Medusa

Nina hit on something that I often get very pissy about.

I think that as a fat person I have a certain level of invisibility. I know it's hard to imagine that a woman who is hovering around 300lbs could have any visibility issues but I'll relay something that happens often.

Most recently, this happened in a sporting goods store. I was walking beside Jack and a group of teenagers ran right into me as if I wasn't even standing there. Sure, we can chalk that up to kids who had their head up their ass but it happens a LOT.

I'll be in Wal-Mart or the grocery store and people will often bump into me or come so close that I have to squeeze into something to keep from being hit. There have been many times when someone has let the door close in my face, or stood directly in my way as if they didn't see me.

I have gotten really pissed off about this and have caught myself looking incredulously at Jack and exclaming loud enough for the offending party to hear: "DAMN! AM I FUCKING INVISIBLE OR WHAT? DO PEOPLE NOT SEE ME STANDING HERE? HOW COULD SOMEONE JUST SLAM THEIR BUGGY INTO ME AS IF I DON'T EXIST?"

The truth is that, to some, I don't. I have long held that fat is just about the last bastion of acceptable discrimination in this world.
The last hold out for insensitivity.

When I walk in the store and people act as if they don't see me, sometimes I think it's because they really dont! Because maybe the fat lady who, in their minds, is a sexually-unviable sandwich-gobbling ogre isn't a real human being.

I dunno, maybe it's just me but was wondering if anyone else had this experience?

I think your beautiful just my opinion, but that happens to me as well, I am only 200 pounds but they still bump into me.... I am losing 5 pounds a week though.

[PinkieLee]

For me, I've spent most of my adult life overindulging. I felt like living meant doing everything on a grand scale... working hard, playing harder, living loud and loving BIG!

Some of my favorite times are being surrounded by friends at a dining room table. Sharing stories, free flowing wine, rich foods and laughter that can be heard down the streets. That is my happy place... always has been. I will throw a dinner party to celebrate ANY occassion... big or small, because I love how I feel surrounded by that energy. As much as I would like to say it nourished my body, it nourished my soul more.

I come from a family of addicts. My father is an alcoholic, my brother a meth addict, and my mother a shopoholic. I've spent my entire life trying to fix them or trying to make them happy. My safe place was always in the kitchen... making them their favorite foods, so I would have importance in their life. "Daddy, have you eaten today, let me make you some lunch", "Tim, come out of your room I made you a chocolate pie", "Mom, I made grandma's macaroni & tomato receipe... come eat with me."

Most of the time, I sat alone at the kitchen table eating the food I cooked for them. Self medicating my lonesomeness with food I made with love. I mean, I can't let all this food go to waste. Cooking for them, to nourish their bodies, was my way of showing I loved them... even if they didn't eat.

[Kelt]

My goodness you all are sure busy in here today! I caught up this morning and 4 hours later a whole 2 new pages have appeared.

Backtracking just a little I wanted to relate a story about something that happened to me last week in reference to WLS.

I have lived in my current home for the last 4 years and have gotten to know the neighbors, some better than others, but the folks next door have been really intrigued by my weight loss and have asked questions and really been great about saying positive things to me. Then there’s the folks across the street, we are always polite but we have not developed a personal relationship, they are nice enough, I just don’t know them well. It seems the woman across the way thought that I moved out and someone else moved in and mentioned it to the folks I do know; they set her straight, lol. So, a couple of days ago I was out front scrubbing the beach sand out of my shoes just like I do everyday and the husband came over to move his car and made a point of coming over to say how I looked so great these days that they hardly recognized me. I though that was nice, he didn’t have to say anything, so I thanked him. Then came the punch line; he asked “So, how did you do it? You got a lap band, right?”

I did actually refrain from kicking in his teeth and politely explained that eating right and exercising could achieve the same results and that it was diligence and hard work that did it, not some surgery.

Somehow I don’t see us becoming buddies anytime soon.