Healthy Weight Loss

[*Anya*]

For me, has always been emotional in nature, always. WLS would have never "cured" that!

I am not going to focus on my weight per se because the weight is not the issue (again, for me) it is the why I gained weight in the first place.

My parents were physically and emotionally abusive. We rarely had sweets in the house except when my parents had a bridge party and then I would help my mom set up the card tables and snacks, just so I could sneak some.

One tine I vividly recall, I found a Hersey bar in the back of our junk drawer. I thought I died and went to heaven. I hustled up to my room and ate it in short order. I was under 10 so I gave no thought as to why a candy bar, never allowed in our house, would magically appear in the junk drawer. Of course, it was my mom's own stash she hid from my rabidly fat-phobic "hold in that stomach" father. My mother beat the shit out of me with a wooden spoon for eating her candy bar.

By the time I was a teen, I was more terrified of being fat and upsetting my father than my need to comfort-eat. After I moved out of the house-the day I turned 18, I might add, I maintained my weight as us medical people would call WNL-until, as I have posted before, my relationship went into the toilet. I then gave free rein to my need to feel better with food until 2 1/2 years ago when I again seized control back.

That hunger inside me to eat for confort is like a snake inside my soul, coiled up and always ready to pounce. Every day is a struggle to keep that fucking snake asleep. When I am sad and in a bad place as I am now, I want to free that snake!

It is always a battle between my intellect totally "getting" that desire and my emotions that got twisted so long ago.

No, WLS would do nothing for me in terms of winning that battle once and for all.

That being said, I know it has been a life-saver for many and I know that just because something would not "work" for me, does not mean it may nit fir someone else-but the psychological reasons for eating must be dealt with.

Losing weight is hard- keeping it off is the hardest.

[nycfem]

More on my journey (Can anyone tell I'm on vacation from work - lotsa posts!):

I spent most of my childhood thin. I think this was helpful in a way because I developed the self-esteem of a thin person. I often think of myself as thin even though I'm "morbidly obese." It's weird but I think developing my sense of self when I was a thin person gave me confidence. I grew up fitting in in this regard!

When I was a teenager, I was still thin and yet, as we do in our culture, I found myself going on all kinds of crazy diets because I was still "too fat" (When I look at pictures of how I was actually thin, I'm stunned!). I became so nutritionally deprived that leaning on my hand would leave a bruise. At 5'4" I was 108, my lowest weight.

During college and the beginning of grad school (up until my mid-twenties), I was around 116. At times I was still eating too little as well as taking an anti-depressant, Imipramine, which I had started prior to the age of Prozac and the safer class of anti-depressants. I was having scary neurological and physical symptoms that I ignored. I would have mini seizures, sometimes start stumbling as if drunk, and pass out. Sometimes I would "come to" in a conversation and be saying something that made no sense. I went on with my life as if everything was normal.

I moved to New York in my twenties and started grad school. I was dealing with a lot of stress: mourning my maternal grandmother's death, recovering from my own mom having had a horrible bout of cancer, my father leaving my mother and doing all sorts of crazy things- and I was put (or allowed myself to be) in the middle, and a brutal sexual assault. I comforted myself with food. I had certain comfort foods, such as General Tao's vegetarian chicken (deep fried- NOT healthy veg), so often, that I remember the Chinese restaurant I'd go to giving me a Christmas gift! I knew that had to be a bad sign. I also remember teaching the roommate I shared my studio how putting an Entenmann's donut in the microwave for 20 seconds really made all the difference.

I didn't have many friends in NY and joined FLAB (Fat Lesbian Action Brigade) which I believe became NOLOSE. When I first joined, I was affectionately labeled a Chubby Chaser of sorts, a label I resented, knowing that I'd actually begun the journey to being fat and wanted support. And I did receive support. I remember telling an older nurse how I always wanted to eat Frosted Flakes, and she encouraged me to buy a big box of them, so I did. Within a year I was 170 pounds.

I was left with mixed feelings about my time with FLAB (now NOLOSE). I consider myself on the radical end of being fat positive (love the blog, http://www.bigfatblog.com). When I became fat, as a highly sensitive person to begin with, I was really hit with the amount of discriminatory treatment and insults I received, from being directed to a locker in the back of the gym to comments yelled out of speeding cars. In that sense, I felt protective towards my self, my fat self, and all other fat people. Being fat was new to me, and I hadn't built up the defenses or sense of normalcy around this new way of being treated that perhaps I might have if I was used to it from childhood.

Then I started my work as a social worker, working what felt like 24/7 mainly with abused children. Throwing a few fucked up relationships into the mix as well (prior to BB!), I went up to 243 pounds (my highest weight). That's when my mom had her heart attack, and I was shocked into wanting to lead a healthier lifestyle. This need was something that didn't involve thought. I sobbed to myself, thinking about how I had no idea how to lose weight. I did lots of Internet searches but felt lost and also had strong political feelings about not supporting the diet industry.

I decided to give up caffeine, including chocolate (which made Coke and candy no longer as interesting), exercise 4 hours per week, and to keep a detailed journal. Just by these few steps alone, I lost 50 pounds within a few years. And this remains my plan, adding to it- abstinence from movie theater popcorn (which sounds silly but was a big thing for me, as it was a favorite).

I'm sometimes tempted by fad diets and quick fixes but my goal in my heart remains not to diet, but to instead move day by day through making healthier choices. I actually think that is much harder than diets!

I am curious to hear other people's stories.

[Medusa]

((Anya))

You have described something that rings so hard in my ears. My Mom did some very fucked up things around food that I think laid the groundwork for some of my "stuff" around eating.

I think when food is used as punishment or witheld as punishment, it sends a message to us that "we are not in control of what we eat" and some of us work for years to "prove" to ourselves that "yes, the fuck, we ARE in control" by overeating, binging, etc.

Here's one of my stories:

When I was 6, my Mom, 1-year-old brother and I all lived in this badass duplex in the inner city. It was Halloween and my Mom had one of those brassy-colored 3-tiered hanging baskets in the kitchen on the ceiling. I remember the bottom layer of it being full of those little baby candy bars that the "good" houses give out at Halloween.
Once I noticed it, I looked up at it and pointed and said "Mom, can I have one of those?"
Her reply is something I have never forgotten: "No, you are too fat to be eating candy. As a matter of fact, you shouldn't eat candy ever again or you'll blow up even fatter like a pig". And then she oinked.

No, I'm not kidding.

The adult me looks back on that moment and sometimes feels incredible sadness for that 6-year-old kid who wanted a fucking candy bar. But mostly I feel rage.
When my mother spoke those words to me, my 6-year-old self made a promise, if only in my head, that "when I get to be a big person, I'm going to eat all the candy I want!'

And for years I did.

I can recognize that turning point, that trigger point in my life where my "stuff" began to develop and up until I ran away at the age of 13, there were constant food struggles between my Mom and I.

She was always shaming and blaming for me eating too much or stealing food or wearing something that showed too much of my fat.

She often also sent mixed messages by doing things like buying diet soda for herself and forbidding me to drink any of them, instead giving me sugary kool-aid. Our dinners were also incredibly unhealthy, mostly consisting of fried foods, fast food, and random processed crap.

I hate admitting that those formative years had so much influence around how I relate to food today as a grown adult because I feel strong and in control and BALANCED! Except when I don't.
I have had to accept that I do have "stuff" around food that was handed to me at an early age and that, in order for me to be healthy, I have to relearn ALL of it.

Much love to all of us. <3

[Julie]

I have a hard time posting in here - I have discussed my weight issues with my friends and they say for me, it is an attention-getter.

Today I am an obese fat girl in a size 12. When I look at myself naked in the mirror, which I do every morning to remind myself, that I am fat. I see myself as a grotesquely obese woman. I have been much heavier than I am now - Sometimes I feel like I have to PROVE myself. Before I met Dreamer, I warned her that I was really fat. That I had body issues. To know and understand this NOW, before she saw me naked.

My father was the president of a fairly large couture house. I grew up with models in and out of our house. My Mother was a runway and a fitting model. I was a fat kid with a big belly and rotund cheeks. When I was 18 years old, I weighed 90+ lbs. I had starved myself to the point of being put in the hospital. I was taking my mothers Lasix and eating triple the amount of X-Lax a normal person would eat on a daily basis. Including forcing myself to vomit after every meal. I did this for years. I clearly suffered and still do from Anorexia.

When I was in the hospital, my organs were shutting down. I remember my dad saying to me. "Julie, why would you do this to yourself?" And I can remember clearly stating "I wanted to be beautiful for you."

He always used to say to me, "It is better to be rich than poor" and "It is better to be thin than fat." "If you have to choose between the two, be thin." "Nobody wants a fat girl!" I was sent to fat kid camps - put on weight watchers all by time I was 10 years old.

After I became healthy, he would have his factory make clothes for me and change the labeling of the size. So, if I was a size 8 - he would change it to a size 6. He thought he was saving me.

So, I am dieting right now (trying to be healthy about it) and not doing any of the old patterns I did. Though, I must say - For me, to not enter into anorexia and bulimia is difficult. It was not that long ago, I was still treating my body this way.

I want it to be okay to post in here - to say... YAY ME! I lost 2lbs. YAY ME! I am finally into that size 10, I want to be. I want it to be okay to say, I have 20lbs to lose and not be shunned.

Ya know?!? I don't want to be discriminated against, because my weight loss might not seem so great than another persons. I am tired apologizing for it.

I do read this space everyday and I am so proud of ALL of YOU!

Julie

[sweetfemme247]

I have a hard time with weight loss period.... when I was a kid i was the skinny little girl then when woman hood came I got hips and got heavy... I have struggled with my weight for years..

[Thinker]

Originally Posted by Julie

I want it to be okay to post in here - to say... YAY ME! I lost 2lbs. YAY ME! I am finally into that size 10, I want to be. I want it to be okay to say, I have 20lbs to lose and not be shunned.

Ya know?!? I don't want to be discriminated against, because my weight loss might not seem so great than another persons. I am tired apologizing for it.

I do read this space everyday and I am so proud of ALL of YOU!

Julie

I worried about that at first, Julie, as my goal was to lose 24 pounds. In posting on FB, I have heard time and time again......."Whaaaaaaat??? I can't even imagine that you have any weight to lose!"

But I did.......and I still do.......and when I hit my goal weight (now 4.6 pounds away), I think I am going to shoot for another ten because now it feels do-able. The way I figure, this is a very personal journey for each and every one of us; we all have our own goals, and we all have our own reasons. And *that* is good enough.

What I have experienced *here*......in *this* thread......is ONLY support. No one *here* has questioned me. Not once have I felt dismissed. Everyone here gets that this is important to me, and that's all they needed to know.

So welcome to the thread and don't spend another second thinking that anyone here will think your journey is not as important as theirs.

[Daywalker]

{{{{{{{{{{{Everyone}}}}}}}}}}}

[Nina]

one eating change which has been of value to me is to stop, what I call, "pre-eating"...you know, the 'tasting' and little nibbles here and there during the cooking and serving process...the last little bit on the serving spoon, all the times and ways we eat before even sitting down to a meal...it's hard for me, at times, since I am really bad at eating on time and often by the time I Do eat I am so starving I can't eat by the time food is ready...the 'pre-eating' is a temptation then though I have gotten better at resisting it...

before Gayla and I met I kept telling her I was a Big woman...she seemed nonplussed...I remember the day we were on the phone, I was driving to Rainbow and was sitting in the parking lot...for some reason the whole size thing took over and I pushed the conversation....I decided to just say Numbers...I told her my height and weight...and there was SILENCE...I remember saying/yelling 'say something, say something'...she said " we have really different ideas of what Big is"...the conversation continued from there...she said that I had mentioned, a number of times, that I was not small and seems like each time I did, she assumed I was bigger and bigger...it was a real eye opener to me...how we assume we have shared definitions of size...it made me realize that if I don't find find ways to to be realistic about size, about MY size, then any ways I change it I lose all the positive benefits...

I move in the world, these days, close to 100 pounds less than I did at one time...I hope by the end of the year to free myself of 15ish pounds...I have said this before, it remains true for me, I get nervous being smaller...I feel more visible and it does not feel safe...I liked it better when I was looked through, or not even noticed...I had more control that way...if I Wanted to be visible, I could choose to be, I can be personable when I want, but I could count on not being seen, for the most part...now it is not so easy to be invisible...people touch me a lot...they smile and want to talk, it can feel off putting for me...I am working on it...in the end I am happy to be lighter...lighter in the physical and lighter emotionally...it's all a process, I am thankful daily to be part of it...

(it has resulted in my son patting me on the head and saying things like "oh you're such a cute little mother")...he is a brave soul ;>)

thanks again for sharing your processes and journeys...thanks again for the kindness shared with strangers, with friends and thank-you for all the ways you are being kind to yourself...

[PinkieLee]

First of all, I just want to say THANK YOU to everyone that has shared such intimate, honest stories from their life. Catching glimpses into your soul and connecting with your words and seeing my own life in yours... it's humbling, and I'm very grateful to be able to share this space with you.

[sweetfemme247]

I love you pinkie, You are such a sweet, funny and amazing woman, when I read your post's it makes me want to know you better..

[PinkieLee]

Originally Posted by sweetfemme247

I love you pinkie, You are such a sweet, funny and amazing woman, when I read your post's it makes me want to know you better..

What a sweet compliment my friend... thank you!

I think that this journey that we are all on, is helping build the bridge of friendship for many of us... you included honey I look forward to getting to know you better, too.

[Medusa]

Nina hit on something that I often get very pissy about.

I think that as a fat person I have a certain level of invisibility. I know it's hard to imagine that a woman who is hovering around 300lbs could have any visibility issues but I'll relay something that happens often.

Most recently, this happened in a sporting goods store. I was walking beside Jack and a group of teenagers ran right into me as if I wasn't even standing there. Sure, we can chalk that up to kids who had their head up their ass but it happens a LOT.

I'll be in Wal-Mart or the grocery store and people will often bump into me or come so close that I have to squeeze into something to keep from being hit. There have been many times when someone has let the door close in my face, or stood directly in my way as if they didn't see me.

I have gotten really pissed off about this and have caught myself looking incredulously at Jack and exclaming loud enough for the offending party to hear: "DAMN! AM I FUCKING INVISIBLE OR WHAT? DO PEOPLE NOT SEE ME STANDING HERE? HOW COULD SOMEONE JUST SLAM THEIR BUGGY INTO ME AS IF I DON'T EXIST?"

The truth is that, to some, I don't. I have long held that fat is just about the last bastion of acceptable discrimination in this world.
The last hold out for insensitivity.

When I walk in the store and people act as if they don't see me, sometimes I think it's because they really dont! Because maybe the fat lady who, in their minds, is a sexually-unviable sandwich-gobbling ogre isn't a real human being.

I dunno, maybe it's just me but was wondering if anyone else had this experience?

[sweetfemme247]

Originally Posted by Medusa

Nina hit on something that I often get very pissy about.

I think that as a fat person I have a certain level of invisibility. I know it's hard to imagine that a woman who is hovering around 300lbs could have any visibility issues but I'll relay something that happens often.

Most recently, this happened in a sporting goods store. I was walking beside Jack and a group of teenagers ran right into me as if I wasn't even standing there. Sure, we can chalk that up to kids who had their head up their ass but it happens a LOT.

I'll be in Wal-Mart or the grocery store and people will often bump into me or come so close that I have to squeeze into something to keep from being hit. There have been many times when someone has let the door close in my face, or stood directly in my way as if they didn't see me.

I have gotten really pissed off about this and have caught myself looking incredulously at Jack and exclaming loud enough for the offending party to hear: "DAMN! AM I FUCKING INVISIBLE OR WHAT? DO PEOPLE NOT SEE ME STANDING HERE? HOW COULD SOMEONE JUST SLAM THEIR BUGGY INTO ME AS IF I DON'T EXIST?"

The truth is that, to some, I don't. I have long held that fat is just about the last bastion of acceptable discrimination in this world.
The last hold out for insensitivity.

When I walk in the store and people act as if they don't see me, sometimes I think it's because they really dont! Because maybe the fat lady who, in their minds, is a sexually-unviable sandwich-gobbling ogre isn't a real human being.

I dunno, maybe it's just me but was wondering if anyone else had this experience?

I think your beautiful just my opinion, but that happens to me as well, I am only 200 pounds but they still bump into me.... I am losing 5 pounds a week though.

[PinkieLee]

For me, I've spent most of my adult life overindulging. I felt like living meant doing everything on a grand scale... working hard, playing harder, living loud and loving BIG!

Some of my favorite times are being surrounded by friends at a dining room table. Sharing stories, free flowing wine, rich foods and laughter that can be heard down the streets. That is my happy place... always has been. I will throw a dinner party to celebrate ANY occassion... big or small, because I love how I feel surrounded by that energy. As much as I would like to say it nourished my body, it nourished my soul more.

I come from a family of addicts. My father is an alcoholic, my brother a meth addict, and my mother a shopoholic. I've spent my entire life trying to fix them or trying to make them happy. My safe place was always in the kitchen... making them their favorite foods, so I would have importance in their life. "Daddy, have you eaten today, let me make you some lunch", "Tim, come out of your room I made you a chocolate pie", "Mom, I made grandma's macaroni & tomato receipe... come eat with me."

Most of the time, I sat alone at the kitchen table eating the food I cooked for them. Self medicating my lonesomeness with food I made with love. I mean, I can't let all this food go to waste. Cooking for them, to nourish their bodies, was my way of showing I loved them... even if they didn't eat.

[Kelt]

My goodness you all are sure busy in here today! I caught up this morning and 4 hours later a whole 2 new pages have appeared.

Backtracking just a little I wanted to relate a story about something that happened to me last week in reference to WLS.

I have lived in my current home for the last 4 years and have gotten to know the neighbors, some better than others, but the folks next door have been really intrigued by my weight loss and have asked questions and really been great about saying positive things to me. Then there’s the folks across the street, we are always polite but we have not developed a personal relationship, they are nice enough, I just don’t know them well. It seems the woman across the way thought that I moved out and someone else moved in and mentioned it to the folks I do know; they set her straight, lol. So, a couple of days ago I was out front scrubbing the beach sand out of my shoes just like I do everyday and the husband came over to move his car and made a point of coming over to say how I looked so great these days that they hardly recognized me. I though that was nice, he didn’t have to say anything, so I thanked him. Then came the punch line; he asked “So, how did you do it? You got a lap band, right?”

I did actually refrain from kicking in his teeth and politely explained that eating right and exercising could achieve the same results and that it was diligence and hard work that did it, not some surgery.

Somehow I don’t see us becoming buddies anytime soon.

[ruffryder]

Hello everybody! I skimmed all of this thread! WOW! Alot of great information, tips, support, and recipes. There are some great success stories here.

I will be starting on a very strict diet within the next week. . It consists of 20 - 40 days of
7 ounces or 200 grams of lean meat (chicken breast, crab, lobster, shrimp, white fish),
coffee, tea (hot or iced), water and stevia can be used in any amount,
grissini breadstics, melba toast ( 2 per day),
2 cups of vegetables
2 cups of fruit.

I'm looking forward to starting this and losing 20 lbs at first then I will look at 20 lbs more.

I am one to drink pepsi in large amounts, drink beer, eat fatty foods (my favs include pizza, mexican, chinese, chocolate, desserts!) I like to lift weights and get a good workout on my abs and play basketball. My challenge with this diet is gonna be a huge change in healthy foods, no soda, no carbs, no sugars, no more of my favs! haha. I will have to watch my workouts as I will be eating less calories to start the first month and cannot overdue it due to less energy.

I do look forward to the challenge however and getting back to healthy eating and healthy living. My goal is to lose 20 lbs to start, lose weight, fat, and inches and gain muscle. I will keep a daily journal on weight and food intake, my feelings, etc.. I am not working right now so I am surprised I have stopped drinking soda and started 6 bottles of water already everyday!

Today I am going to the store to purchase a food scale, weight scale, small grill machine, cup measurement, a small blender, and a small cooler.

Have a great healthy day everyone!

[JustJo]

I freakin' love this.

And, before I forget....Julie, Thinker...I love that you're in here doing this journey with us. For me, it's about eating healthier, living healthier...whether that's 5 lbs. or 500. Honestly, if someone came in here and said, hey I struggle with food issues in the other direction and I really want to eat healthier and gain some weight....I'd be thrilled to have them.

Anyway...for me, food has always been that emotional solace, that comfort, that pleasure that didn't exist in any other form in my home growing up.

My mother is naturally thin (and has had Crohn's disease her whole life...which has also kept her thin). My sister is naturally athletic, hyperactive, has Crohn's also...and has never seemed to care about food beyond it being fuel. Neither could understand me (the other side of the genetic tree)....naturally round and curvy and anything but athletic.

Growing up, I was neglected more than I was abused...although the abuse was there at the hands of my sister. Most of the time, from about age 8...I was home alone. At 11 I ran away from home, gone for 2 days and 2 nights...and came home to discover that my mother had not realized I was gone. I often felt that I would be noticed most if I died and rotted on the floor....mostly because of the smell.

I learned to cook by age 10, out of self-defense...and then used it as a way to win approval. They might not appreciate me...but I made a pretty damn incredible chocolate chip cookie from scratch (and still do). I had (and still have) a 1940s edition Betty Crocker cookbook that I use all the time. I cook the old way...from scratch...and self-taught.

If they weren't around....I'd eat it all myself.

If I was locked out for hours while my mother entertained her "friends"...I would check the payphone coin returns and find returnable bottles (or steal them...I knew how and where) to take back to the corner store....buying candy bars and stuffing myself until I felt sick.

Food was the single thing I could count on. Always. And it became tied up in everything I did. I used food to celebrate, to socialize, to comfort....every situation called for food.

When I was diagnosed with diabetes, it felt like a betrayal and I went into a pretty deep depression. It's still something I struggle with...the "it's not fair" feeling that others can eat what I cannot. The feeling that my longest and most enduring source of pleasure is also the thing that will make me go blind or lose my feet...or kill me.

I still love food. I love to go out to brunch....or to dinner...to slice into a perfect steak covered in sauteed mushrooms....a smokin' hot baked potato filled with real butter and sour cream....fresh bread still warm from the oven...really incredible dark chocolate. It's like sex...sometimes better....and always there and available.

It still depresses me that, to be healthy, to live long enough to see my son become a grown man....I cannot eat many of the things I most enjoy.

But that's the truth...and that's what I need to reconcile myself to...and find ways to live with that I can live with.

It's a journey.

[Leigh]

Originally Posted by JustJo

Food was the single thing I could count on. Always. And it became tied up in everything I did. I used food to celebrate, to socialize, to comfort....every situation called for food.

When I was diagnosed with diabetes, it felt like a betrayal and I went into a pretty deep depression. It's still something I struggle with...the "it's not fair" feeling that others can eat what I cannot. The feeling that my longest and most enduring source of pleasure is also the thing that will make me go blind or lose my feet...or kill me.

I wanted to begin by saying that I almost cried when I read some of the stories that I have over the last day and I can relate to every one of them in different ways. Julie, Medusa, Nina, Jenn and Anya ~ you are all very beautiful women and inspire Me all the time to know that I'm a good person and that I'm worth as much as anyone else in this world is no matter what My weight. Each and every one of you have stories that I can relate to, and I thank all of you for sharing your very inspiring stories .......... such strong and brave women we have here on the Planet, its fucking awesome :-)

Now just to move onto Jo's post above that I highlighted because this is something that I've dealt with all of My life. School was hell on wheels; I didn't graduate on time with everyone else because I could not deal with the bullies who taunted and teased Me about My weight so I would often skip school and hang out at the mall or in the fields with My friends. I turned to food during those times and ballooned like crazy, but alteast food could usually make Me feel better. Anytime I could think of I would turn to food especially to comfort Me after a break-up, a bad day, during a bout of depression or after My father belittled Me.

I was diagnosed with diabetes last year in october around the time I began T and even since then I have not slowed down on My sugar intake, sometimes it seems like I've deliberatey sabotaged My doctor's orders because I often don't feel worth it thus I just continue about My normal routine. I do alot of the "its not fair ........." thinking and it just makes Me feel worse, and then if I turn to food I just wanna crawl into a cave and hide. It sucks that the one thing that can comfort you can also injure you or kill you ~ I still don't get it but I guess its something to think about the next time we go to comfort ourselves with food. Is it worth killing ourselves for? Do we really need to eat this considering what being diabetic means? Not even close :-)

[little_ms_sunshyne]

WOW! I have missed quite a bit. I just want to echo everyone by saying that I appreciate everyone sharing your personal journey.

Our weight is a struggle that we can all relate to in one way or another. Although at times it seems like an endless struggle, I am glad that I dont have to face it alone.

Thank you again for sharing a piece of you with me.

Now lets kick some butt!!!

[Gentle Tiger]

I have no desire to go kick a can never mind go walking or do some sort of exercise. But I should so I will. If I can do it. You all can do it.

Later