[Julie]

I have a hard time posting in here - I have discussed my weight issues with my friends and they say for me, it is an attention-getter.

Today I am an obese fat girl in a size 12. When I look at myself naked in the mirror, which I do every morning to remind myself, that I am fat. I see myself as a grotesquely obese woman. I have been much heavier than I am now - Sometimes I feel like I have to PROVE myself. Before I met Dreamer, I warned her that I was really fat. That I had body issues. To know and understand this NOW, before she saw me naked.

My father was the president of a fairly large couture house. I grew up with models in and out of our house. My Mother was a runway and a fitting model. I was a fat kid with a big belly and rotund cheeks. When I was 18 years old, I weighed 90+ lbs. I had starved myself to the point of being put in the hospital. I was taking my mothers Lasix and eating triple the amount of X-Lax a normal person would eat on a daily basis. Including forcing myself to vomit after every meal. I did this for years. I clearly suffered and still do from Anorexia.

When I was in the hospital, my organs were shutting down. I remember my dad saying to me. "Julie, why would you do this to yourself?" And I can remember clearly stating "I wanted to be beautiful for you."

He always used to say to me, "It is better to be rich than poor" and "It is better to be thin than fat." "If you have to choose between the two, be thin." "Nobody wants a fat girl!" I was sent to fat kid camps - put on weight watchers all by time I was 10 years old.

After I became healthy, he would have his factory make clothes for me and change the labeling of the size. So, if I was a size 8 - he would change it to a size 6. He thought he was saving me.

So, I am dieting right now (trying to be healthy about it) and not doing any of the old patterns I did. Though, I must say - For me, to not enter into anorexia and bulimia is difficult. It was not that long ago, I was still treating my body this way.

I want it to be okay to post in here - to say... YAY ME! I lost 2lbs. YAY ME! I am finally into that size 10, I want to be. I want it to be okay to say, I have 20lbs to lose and not be shunned.

Ya know?!? I don't want to be discriminated against, because my weight loss might not seem so great than another persons. I am tired apologizing for it.

I do read this space everyday and I am so proud of ALL of YOU!

Julie