Much of what she wrote holds true for me as well, especially about being thrown back into the closet.
When Michael & I first got together, I had only been out as a lesbian about two years and I was loving every rainbow sticker covered minute of it. He wanted to be stealth at the time, and so to the outside world we were like any other hetero couple. All the rainbow stickers came off my car, my rainbow jewelry got stuffed into a box in my drawer, and it made me sad. However, I was so crazy in love with him, that it seemed like a small price to pay.
Michael has since decided to be more out about being trans. He's begun doing panels and public speaking. His coming out has allowed me to come out of the closet with my sparkly queer flag flying. I am loving it! Invisibility sucks, and I love being able to proudly tell people that I am queer and I am married to a transsexual man.
As far as some of the writer's issues with the body changes, I dealt with some of those as well. I won't even try to pretend that I was 100% cool with Michael's top surgery. I had serious inner turmoil about it. Not only was I sad that the body I loved would be changing, but I was also worried about the surgery itself, and the final outcome. I was also sad every time I got pleasure from Michael's body the way it was because it caused him so much pain. It was a whole ball of conflicting emotions, but the bottom line was that he needed it, period, and therefore I tried to be as supportive as I could and share his joy & excitement about the surgery. All the conflicts I had about the surgery disappeared when he woke up after the surgery and was fine. From that moment on, it did not matter what was before. He was happy, alive, and that is really all that mattered to me in the end. I now love snuggling up to his masculine, furry chest. I realized in the end that my fears stemmed more from the unknown the from the actual change itself.
I have never felt judged for my feelings surrounding Michael's transition. He has always talked with me openly and honestly about them. He's always tried to understand and see things from my perspective. Choosing to stay with someone who is transitioning is hard. I feel there should never be any negative judgement of someone who chooses not to stay. It doesn't make them a bad person. A woman who loves women, no matter how masculine the women she dates are, doesn't necessarily mean she's going to want to be with a transsexual man, and in my opinion, that is 100% okay. If a woman does decide to stay then she's bound to have a whole roller coaster of emotions to deal with.
I love Michael for the person he is. He is brave, gentle, funny, loving, and all I ever wanted in a partner. Loving him has always been easy, even if finding exactly where I fit into the GLBTQQIA community wasn't.
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