Loving a Transman Isn't Easy

[Stacy]

Much of what she wrote holds true for me as well, especially about being thrown back into the closet.

When Michael & I first got together, I had only been out as a lesbian about two years and I was loving every rainbow sticker covered minute of it. He wanted to be stealth at the time, and so to the outside world we were like any other hetero couple. All the rainbow stickers came off my car, my rainbow jewelry got stuffed into a box in my drawer, and it made me sad. However, I was so crazy in love with him, that it seemed like a small price to pay.

Michael has since decided to be more out about being trans. He's begun doing panels and public speaking. His coming out has allowed me to come out of the closet with my sparkly queer flag flying. I am loving it! Invisibility sucks, and I love being able to proudly tell people that I am queer and I am married to a transsexual man.

As far as some of the writer's issues with the body changes, I dealt with some of those as well. I won't even try to pretend that I was 100% cool with Michael's top surgery. I had serious inner turmoil about it. Not only was I sad that the body I loved would be changing, but I was also worried about the surgery itself, and the final outcome. I was also sad every time I got pleasure from Michael's body the way it was because it caused him so much pain. It was a whole ball of conflicting emotions, but the bottom line was that he needed it, period, and therefore I tried to be as supportive as I could and share his joy & excitement about the surgery. All the conflicts I had about the surgery disappeared when he woke up after the surgery and was fine. From that moment on, it did not matter what was before. He was happy, alive, and that is really all that mattered to me in the end. I now love snuggling up to his masculine, furry chest. I realized in the end that my fears stemmed more from the unknown the from the actual change itself.

I have never felt judged for my feelings surrounding Michael's transition. He has always talked with me openly and honestly about them. He's always tried to understand and see things from my perspective. Choosing to stay with someone who is transitioning is hard. I feel there should never be any negative judgement of someone who chooses not to stay. It doesn't make them a bad person. A woman who loves women, no matter how masculine the women she dates are, doesn't necessarily mean she's going to want to be with a transsexual man, and in my opinion, that is 100% okay. If a woman does decide to stay then she's bound to have a whole roller coaster of emotions to deal with.

I love Michael for the person he is. He is brave, gentle, funny, loving, and all I ever wanted in a partner. Loving him has always been easy, even if finding exactly where I fit into the GLBTQQIA community wasn't.

[1QuirkyKiwi]

Originally Posted by Stacy

Choosing to stay with someone who is transitioning is hard. I feel there should never be any negative judgement of someone who chooses not to stay. It doesn't make them a bad person. A woman who loves women, no matter how masculine the women she dates are, doesn't necessarily mean she's going to want to be with a transsexual man, and in my opinion, that is 100% okay.

Thank you for that, Stacy!

I had a 7 year relationship with a Butch who then transitioned 5 ½ years into the relationship – I had the inner turmoil as I’ve always been gay and wondered if I as being ‘too judgmental’. I fell in love with the person and yes! I enjoyed hys body equally.

After surgery, hy started to change emotionally (a natural aspect I guess of the transition), and I was a little unsure of hys increased masculinity. I tried to be supportive, yet I didn’t feel comfortable – I felt bad for my feelings and tried to hide them as best I could. What was worse, was that I felt as though I was being prejudice towards hym for not being what I wanted. I did speak to a counsellor about it because I felt I had to do all that I could to make the relationship work.

For me, the understanding that I was not just attracted to Butch women, but, women who still had a certain femininity about them – I’m not just talking about their breasts, I mean in their presence of who they are.

I’m as gay as Christmas and proud of it! I have had a relationship with a man and I was almost a complete shambles in the relationship. My curiosity to ‘know’ what it was like to date a man got the better of me, lol!

I have since had a date with another Trans-man and still I didn’t feel completely comfortable. I have been judged harshly for my feelings on this, yet, I can’t help how I feel. I’m entitled to feel the way I do without criticism or judgment, but, sadly, that isn’t always going to be the case.

I would never criticise or judge another for their lifestyle or whom they are in love with, as I’m not living their life – what works for some doesn’t for others. All I hope for is that everyone finds their happiness regardless with who it is!

My apologies if this doesn’t make much sense, I was trying to type whilst crying my eyes out – Stacy’s understanding felt like a release – thank you! I wish you an Michael every health and happiness in life!

[The_Lady_Snow]

When one is in the get to know one another stage doesn't the whole hey I want to transition? Convo had? For "me" it would cause the sex is pretty important plus life changing decisions one should know ahead of time.

*still marinating thoughts*

[SelfMadeMan]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

When one is in the get to know one another stage doesn't the whole hey I want to transition? For "me" it would cause the sex is pretty important plus life changing decisions one should know ahead of time.

*still marinating thoughts*

Absolutely... if a person has ever had even a passing thought that they are trans, and have considered transition, then that needs to be communicated to anyone entering into a serious relationship with them. IMHO.

[Stacy]

Originally Posted by SelfMadeMan

Absolutely... if a person has ever had even a passing thought that they are trans, and have considered transition, then that needs to be communicated to anyone entering into a serious relationship with them. IMHO.

100% agree.

[SelfMadeMan]

I agree with Stacy 100% re: choosing not to stay with someone after transition - it doesn't make you a bad person, at all. I've seen this happen before, where the partner that chooses to leave, is somehow villainized for their decision. I should add, that I have seen transphobic behavior from someone leaving a relationship with a transperson, but that isn't usually the case, and simply choosing to leave isn't wrong.