BB and I are going on 5 years this summer, and I've never felt happier with our relationship or in any relationship.
I stayed in a lot of unhealthy relationships for too long, and I think that the first thing to do is to not waste time in bad relationships. I know it sounds obvious but how many of us see ourselves or our friends using up precious days/months/years of lives in unhealthy relationships? If there is not room for the right one to come in, then the right one could pass you by. We can't do much about who we meet but what we can do is end it right away when it's apparent that we are not being treated with love and decency. I emphasize this because I think it was my problem for a long time.
Some of it, I think, is pure luck! At the beginning, the scary part of all relationships is that it feels so good because there's a lot of lust and not much knowledge of who the real person is. It's over time that we find out if we've found a true gem who is our missing puzzle piece or if we've become attached to something that's leading down a toxic spiral. Luckily in BB I learned that I was with someone who has a truly good heart. BB is mature, kind, caring, funny, stable, interesting, and committed to bettering the world.
BB values our relationship and has taught me that there is a fair way to argue, and that low blows are never okay. For those of us who have never had a healthy, truly joyous relationship, the first one can take a lot of getting used to! It was disorienting not to have the drama, and I feel like each year I relax more into the bliss of a happy relationship! It almost feels surreal to me to be settled into a relationship where I am more deeply in love and happy every year. It's not what I grew up with, and it actually took awhile to accept that I deserve this, as everyone does, and that it's real.
True commitment is another aspect of our relationship that works for us. We don't go back and forth about "forever" ever. It's only within that safe cocoon of "I'm never giving up on us" that we are able to take the risks in sharing our wants and needs, knowing the other will not laugh or run and that if we argue, it's part of the process as opposed to a possible path to an end. I grew into that mindset slower than BB, but once I was there, our relationship was able to go to new levels of depth because we both felt safe.
I've also noticed that ridding the relationship of others, whether family or friends, who for whatever reason do not support the relationship or contribute toxicity to it helps our relationship to thrive. When I am wondering whether someone belongs in our life, I imagine that individual in the audience at our wedding, and I ask myself, what would that person be thinking. Would they be truly happy for us and support us through times when we had conflicts? Do they respect one of us but not the other? It's the people who I know in my heart support each of us as individuals as well as our union that I want in our inner circle.
To me this long-term, happy relationship gets easier over time, not harder. A great relationship is not one that is a constant struggle. Yes, there is always work to keep a relationship thriving, but by far the majority of our time is spent enjoying each other and being at peace. We stay up too late on work nights laughing as we joke around and cuddle. We are both elated when we have a snow day off from work to spend the whole day together. I tear up when I think about how much each moment together means to me.
I think it's possible for all of us to find the love we dream about, the kind that grows over the years. Have faith, never settle, and when you find it,
