Couples together 5 or 10 or 20+ yrs or better

[nycfem]

BB and I are going on 5 years this summer, and I've never felt happier with our relationship or in any relationship.

I stayed in a lot of unhealthy relationships for too long, and I think that the first thing to do is to not waste time in bad relationships. I know it sounds obvious but how many of us see ourselves or our friends using up precious days/months/years of lives in unhealthy relationships? If there is not room for the right one to come in, then the right one could pass you by. We can't do much about who we meet but what we can do is end it right away when it's apparent that we are not being treated with love and decency. I emphasize this because I think it was my problem for a long time.

Some of it, I think, is pure luck! At the beginning, the scary part of all relationships is that it feels so good because there's a lot of lust and not much knowledge of who the real person is. It's over time that we find out if we've found a true gem who is our missing puzzle piece or if we've become attached to something that's leading down a toxic spiral. Luckily in BB I learned that I was with someone who has a truly good heart. BB is mature, kind, caring, funny, stable, interesting, and committed to bettering the world.

BB values our relationship and has taught me that there is a fair way to argue, and that low blows are never okay. For those of us who have never had a healthy, truly joyous relationship, the first one can take a lot of getting used to! It was disorienting not to have the drama, and I feel like each year I relax more into the bliss of a happy relationship! It almost feels surreal to me to be settled into a relationship where I am more deeply in love and happy every year. It's not what I grew up with, and it actually took awhile to accept that I deserve this, as everyone does, and that it's real.

True commitment is another aspect of our relationship that works for us. We don't go back and forth about "forever" ever. It's only within that safe cocoon of "I'm never giving up on us" that we are able to take the risks in sharing our wants and needs, knowing the other will not laugh or run and that if we argue, it's part of the process as opposed to a possible path to an end. I grew into that mindset slower than BB, but once I was there, our relationship was able to go to new levels of depth because we both felt safe.

I've also noticed that ridding the relationship of others, whether family or friends, who for whatever reason do not support the relationship or contribute toxicity to it helps our relationship to thrive. When I am wondering whether someone belongs in our life, I imagine that individual in the audience at our wedding, and I ask myself, what would that person be thinking. Would they be truly happy for us and support us through times when we had conflicts? Do they respect one of us but not the other? It's the people who I know in my heart support each of us as individuals as well as our union that I want in our inner circle.

To me this long-term, happy relationship gets easier over time, not harder. A great relationship is not one that is a constant struggle. Yes, there is always work to keep a relationship thriving, but by far the majority of our time is spent enjoying each other and being at peace. We stay up too late on work nights laughing as we joke around and cuddle. We are both elated when we have a snow day off from work to spend the whole day together. I tear up when I think about how much each moment together means to me.

I think it's possible for all of us to find the love we dream about, the kind that grows over the years. Have faith, never settle, and when you find it,

[MsTinkerbelly]

What are the secrets to a long-term relationship...

My Kasey and I have been together for nearly 8 years; married in California during the 2008 Summer of love when it was legal.

We nearly lost each other during a very rough time...my mental illness (BPD) and outside influences nearly ended us for good. For better or for worse....that thought makes you work HARD on yourself and your relationship. Constant work on communication, and endless days of laughter and loving together, are a receipe for much happiness.

We live a very full life together, and the most important thing for us both is remembering we are the core unit of our family. If the core unit is not taken care of and nurtured, there is no possibility of growing and changing together. I have great examples of long loving marriages in my live...and frankly some really bad ones as well. In all of the failed relatinships there is a consistant theme of broken communication and the lack of nurturing of the "Us".

[redrose]

I don't know if my relationship would count. We've been together for 15yrs but she died last 2009, so we're no longer together, does that count?

Secret for a long term relationship? I really don't know. Probably it would be respect, honesty, communication and the decision to love each other. And if you had disagreements or fights, never end the day not talking about it. Make each day as if it is the last day that you'll be together. My butch and I, knew that our relationship was not accepted by society so we were always thinkin that it would end somehow. We were so scared, that we kept holding on to each other each day. The lucky part is that no one did judged us or did say anything against us. Probably because we both respect each other that much. The world realized that I love my butch that much because she was the only relationship that I had. What ever was the secret of our long term relationship, I think my butch was the one responsible for that, because if it was me, I could find another and have a relationship again like that, but I don't think I can find another one like her.

I hope I did answer your question partially, because I really don't know what was her secret. I just felt that I was the most important person in her life and even now that she's gone, I know she never left me.

[Medusa]

Jack and I have been friends for 11 years and in a relationship for 6 of those 11 years.

Our particular secret is that we were friends first. That before the physical attraction was even given space we truly enjoyed each other's company. We make each other laugh on a daily basis and we also have autonomy which means I get to have my "me" space when I need it and she goes fishing.

We have argued with one another like any other couple does and had to work on arguing in the most humane way possible but both of us being committed to having the arguement without emotionally damaging the other person is the #1 thing that helps us along the rough spots.

Even after all this time we still laugh, dance with one another, have lots of sex, and go exploring together with the same energy and passion we had when we first met.

The secret is that when you figure out that loving someone isn't just about making yourself feel good, but really and truly being concerned and invested in the other person's emotional health and happiness, everything else just falls into place.

<3

[Daywalker]

We are going on 8 years now.


Yesterday we laughed very hard together.


At each other, of course...but still.



I'll be back tomorrow to expand,
gotta get ready for Robert Plant this evening.

[Toughy]

I had a 16 yr marriage and we broke up. It was great, but it was also time for us to part. I consider it a very successful relationship even though it ended. I learned a couple of things:

* Never go to sleep pissed off at each other.

* You must do at least one (mostly two) of 'the Ps' at all times. The Ps are: picking up after yourself, paying your part of the bills, and putting out (sex).

[betenoire]

There is no secret. There just isn't. Things work out until they don't work out any more. And it's okay for things to stop working out - it happens. Sometimes when a relationship ends it isn't because the relationship went bad - sometimes it's just because the relationship went...over.

People are agents of constant change - that doesn't stop happening after your mid 20s. Sometimes people change together, and sometimes they change in different directions. And that's okay, too.

But this much I do know: If you want a hope in hell of things making it passed the 2-3 year mark you -have- to have similar life priorities. City mouse can only stay with country mouse for so long. Simple-life mouse can only put up with materialistic mouse for so long. Wants to throw down and work shit out mouse can only deal with sweep it under the rug until it goes away mouse for so long.