[Angeltoes]

Where to begin...I struggled with an eating disorder for so many years and that in itself I don't consider a fault, but...the root cause of the illness remains. There is the passive-aggressiveness. I used starving myself as a weapon against my mother, but kept the anger to myself. I still can barely tolerate confrontation and would rather subtlety show people how I feel than communicate. Another flaw (which is related to the first) is lack of trust. I'm strangely torn between an almost giddy, overwhelming love for humanity in general and not really trusting any individuals except my kids. I'm very cynical which I partially attribute to growing up poor in the middle of Manhattan and experiencing a lifetime of betrayals and disappointments that I held on to for way too long. I never felt safe...what it takes to feel safe I still don't know, but I was always fighting this looming feeling of danger. I still struggle with that even though Boise, ID is far from scary. I'm quite paranoid about being hurt or used or tricked. Lack of trust led me to believe that life is a hustle. In other words, I have been somewhat of a user in the past. I've been very fake. I've pretended to love and like when I knew I didn't. I've blended in and allied myself with people I secretly despised all to gain the thing I thought I could not provide myself with...security. This went on until the day I couldn't stand it anymore and wondered what kind of person am I to do this? After I berated myself for awhile I realized that I made misguided decisions because I thought I was fighting for my life and I was trying to escape a past which was very painful and traumatic. I was wrong.... however many good things came from my mistakes. Then I thought it's never too late to change. So long as you have a breath in your body anyone can change at least in their heart and spirit. You can't redeem yourself with everyone, but you can forgive yourself. So slowly I'm easing my grip and learning to live in the present rather than the past. That's the only way to rid myself of the most debilitating flaws I have.