[starryeyes]

I cried today. Ugly cried....

I was, again, not invited to an outing with my sister, niece, nephew and mom. They are all hanging out at the Strawberry Festival in Vista, about 15 minutes from my house having a grand ol' time. And, again, I found out on Facebook

I called my mom, and she confirmed she was with my niece and nephew in the kid zone watching them play. I started getting upset and crying and asked why I wasn't invited? She said they both decided to go last minute, and just "forgot" to ask, but I should come now that I know about it.

hmm... really? Because I wasn't invited. I feel like the only reason they want me to come is because I was upset. It's a shitty feeling. I feel like ever since coming out, I have lost my family. Its sucks. I had an ugly cry... unfortunately, right when Justin was leaving for a memorial service, so I had to ugly cry alone.

My sister texts me, asking me not to be mad, they just planned it last minute... I text her back saying, "I am not mad, I am very, very sad. I feel always left out, excluded and I feel like I have lost my family" I get a text back from her saying "i feel like I have lost my sister... I haven't been around... i haven't been to my niece's soccer games.. and so on"

My sister lives an hour North of me. The soccer games start at 8am. I am not a morning person. Yes, this is not a good excuse, but it is the truth. And, Justin has NEVER been invited, only me. So it's a sucky situation.

What she doesn't realize is, and can't possibly understand, is the hurt one feels when their other-half is not acknowledged (which is the root of all this). My sister and family did not meet Justin until 2 years into our relationship. When I am invited (on the rare occasion) Justin is not. We were not invited to Thanksgiving or Easter. My family lives in Carlsbad, which is only 15 from me. This hurts.

I have some responsibility in it. I have a lot of issues and insecurities about coming out to my family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins). My father came out as Gay (well, was outted) when I was about 13. I had to listen to my family make horrible remarks about him and calling him Faggot. He and his partner were always the butt of the family jokes. My dad is no saint, and his partner is horrific so they deserved some of it, but not because they are gay... because they are jerks. There is a difference.

Anyways, because I hold these memories, I get insecure. I wish I could just "show up" for the family Thanksgiving with Justin without an invite and say "Here I am!! Like it our not, you can't shun us!!!" but I don't have that confidence, and I start sweating even thinking about it.

Now, I am out on Facebook. I post pictures of us. I have a "relationship status" so I know they know. This was my way of "coming out" without having to announce it in the middle of Christmas dinner. I did not know any other way to do it that I was comfortable with. Still, no one has said anything to me, asked me about it, or acknowledged it.

Anyways... I'm going in a million different directions with this post. I guess I just needed to get this off my chest. This is what happens when one had ADD and is upset at the same time.. lol.

My sister texted me and asked me if we could go out to lunch to talk. She is picking me up in an hour. I know its going to be an ugly cry talk, but at least I can get some stuff off my chest and maybe we can get on the same page. I miss her and my family. I just want them to accept me, Justin, our life and I want things to go back to normal, like when I was married to my husband Ryan. Ahhh.. those were easy times! I hope we get there.

And to think people actually think we "Choose" this life. I wish they could walk a day in my shoes.

Rant done.